If you're inclined to send an email to the future you, say a decade or two or (if you're very young or very optimistic) five into the future, FutureMe is the place.
Right now I'm glued to the radio listening to The O’ Franken Factor on Air America Radio on its New York WLIB - 1190 AM outlet, and I am absolutely loving it. Congratulations to the heroicfair and balanced Al Franken, his outstanding co-host Katherine Lanpher, and the entire Air America Radio team on their long awaited, outstanding launch.
UPDATE: I'm now listening to Rhandi Rhodes, whose show comes on right after The O'Franken Factor. She's brilliant -- entertaining, ascerbic, and well informed. What else could you ask for?
UPDATE 2:Rhandi Rhodes is on fire. She did a phone interview with Ralph Nader which consisted mostly of her berating him for screwing up Election 2000 and trying to do the same thing to Election 2004. Nader didn't know what hit him and, after lots of back and forth yelling, he hung up on her. It was just great!
As you can see from Big Bush Lies' front and back covers, it features twenty original essays by academics, activists, legal experts, financial leaders, and journalists. The essays document Bush lies and inconsistencies about Iraq and WMD's, foreign policy, the environment, energy, health and science, religion, education, women and minority policies, national security, 9/11, campaign lies, and other topics.
I have a soft spot for blogging related humor, as anyone who's read/sung Bloggers' Rhapsody or Weblog Wonderland would know. So you can imagine how much I enjoyed the witty Steve Bates' delightful poem about blog addiction: Blog Doggerel. It's guaranteed to make you laugh, if not send you into therapy.
Hey, Donald Trump, I'll make you a deal. You can have your damn "You're Fired" trademark, but only if you hand deliver a personalized "You're Fired" T-shirt to Bush.
For years I've been flooded with emails challenging the accuracy of MadKane.com. At first I did what most publications do -- I ignored them. But as time went by, I realized that something had to be done. So in keeping with recent trends and in the interest of sound journalism, I've appointed an ombudsman who'd like to be known only as "Bud." Here is Bud's first report:
The poem entitled Dubya's Poetic Injustice states that during George W. Bush's Election 2000 campaign, Bush promised to be a "compassionate conservative" and to have a "humble foreign policy." After this poem was published, we learned that Bush was "crossing his fingers" whenever he made those promises, so "they didn't really count." We regret this error.
According to a State of Disunion crossword puzzle clue, President Bush believes that raising twins is even harder than waging war. While Bush did in fact make that statement, he has since changed his mind and now acknowledges that waging war is "an itsy-bitsy bit harder than raising twins." We are sorry for failing to keep up to date on this issue.
In Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song the lyricist itemizes several things as not being George W. Bush's fault, including the jobless rate, 9/11, the mission accomplished banner, and the lack of WMD's. We have since learned that many more things weren't the President's fault and we regret our lack of comprehensiveness.
It has come to our attention that the author of Dubya's Dayly Diary may possibly be an impostor. Further reports will be forthcoming as our investigation develops.
According to an email from Karl Rove to Ralph Nader urging Nader to run for President (published in a column called Ralph & Rove), Mr. Rove referred to President Bush as "Texas Souffle." As far as we can determine, Rove has never called Bush "Texas Souffle," although he says it sounds "delicious." Additionally, Mr. Rove claims that he did not actually send this email. Rove admits, however, that on hearing the Ralph Nader run announcement, he did several celebratory sommersaults.
A song entitled Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure repeatedly refers to President George W. Bush as a "mis'rable failure." As it turns out, George W. Bush is a fabulous success. We apologize for this error and have terminated the songwriter.
A Jan 31, 2004 interview with Vice President Cheney quotes Cheney as claiming (1) to have created more jobs than any prior administration and (2) to have never heard of Justice Antonin Scalia. The Vice President asserts that he was "just kidding around with the interviewer" when he made both statements and that "the interview never took place." After a lengthy interrogation, our interviewer finally admitted that the interview "was only a dream." We would make her apologize, but she's currently in therapy.
The Spinning Song asserts that the Bush administration uses spinmeisters. However, Bush spinmeisters advise us that the Bush administration never uses spinmeisters. We are really, really, really, really sorry.
Please send all questions, comments and complaints to our ombudsman by email to MadKane@MadKane.com with "Dear Bud" in the subject line.
And please stay tuned for Bud's next report.
Here's some cool news -- I've sold reprint rights to one of my essays to appear in -- of all places -- a college textbook. And no, it has nothing to do with Bush.
The piece, originally called "Gender At Work," dates back quite a few years to my lawyering days and its subject is subtle sexism. It's been published in several publications including Pop Politics, where it appeared under the name ''My Most Attractive Adversary.'' And that's where the editor of The Contemporary Reader discovered it.
Okay, it's a Super Tuesday knockout -- I get it already. Edwards' campaign has ended with a whimper, and I'm drowning my sorrows in a new crossword puzzle: Political Dish.
From: Karl_Rove@Whitehouse.gov
To: Ralph_Nader@Spoiler.org
Subject: What will it take?
Hey Ralphie. How ya doing? Long time no talk.
I didn't think we'd need you in '04, but things aren't going as well as I expected.
So, are you in? As always, we'll make it worth your while. Advise ASAP.
PS Let me know what it'll take to get you on board. Everything's on the table.
PPS Don't forget to destroy on receipt.
PPPS I'm just brainstorming, but maybe EPA Director? Secy of Commerce? Whatever rings your chimes.
I refuse to comment on "you know what" or link to "you know who." I also refuse to comment on "you know what" or link to "you know who" program-related activities. However, if you simply must know what "you know who" is up to, skip the "you know who" website and visit this one instead. You'll thank me in the morning.
February 11, 2004 (Liberal Laughs & Desert Island Music)
Here's a fun pair of posts for anyone who enjoys music: Matt Langdon over at Rashomon polled numerous bloggers, writers, and online pals for their top 10 desert island/ burning house CD choices. Part 1 is posted here and Part 2 is posted here. (You'll find my own eclectic choices at the top of Part 2.) It's fun to match up bloggers with their musical tastes. Plus, chances are, you'll discover some great music and rediscover music you've long forgotten.
It's time for another batch of humor that's made me laugh lately. Enjoy!
I'm a bit late in celebrating the Beatles' Ed Sullivan appearance anniversary. On a personal note, thanks to the Beatles for making these four song parodies possible:
Bush Misleads (To be sung to "Let It Be")
"We must drive ourselves in times of trouble.
Mustn't tarry, must be free.
We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads..."
I Read The News Each Day, Oh Boy (To be sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life")
"I read the news each day, oh boy
About a President who got poor grades.
Of course the news is mostly sad
Though one thing made me laugh
The chewing gum photograph..."
Hey Hughes (To be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")
"Hey Hughes, don't leave DC.
Take a sad Bush and make me better.
Remember I need you cause you're so smart,
Then you can start to make me better..."
Secret To Hide (To be sung to "Ticket To Ride")
"The nation's gonna be had.
I think it's today, yeah.
That Bush he's driving me mad
With Henry the K..."
I've accumulated quite a large and wonderful group of things that have made me laugh lately. And I figure Super Bowl Sunday's a great time for some Liberal Laughs counterprogramming:
January 21, 2004 (Bush State of the Union Crossword Puzzle)
In honor of George W. Bush's 2004 State of the Union Address, I'm pleased to present my first interactive crossword puzzle, the State of Disunion Crossword Puzzle.
Tomorrow's a big day. No, I'm not talking about the State of the Union address. I'm referring to the 3rd anniversary of
Dubya's Dayly Diary. Yes, I launched it on the very black day that George Dubya Bush took office: January 20, 2001. I thought I'd celebrate -- okay celebrate's not exactly the right word -- with a poem. I hope you'll enjoy Dubya's Poetic Injustice.
Dubya's Poetic Injustice
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A humble foreign policy,
Bush promised way back when.
Then wages war preemptively.
For bloodshed Dubya yens.
Compassionate conservative,
Bush said that's what he'd be.
Then saves all his compassion for
Big biz and industry.
Dub pushes No Child Left Behind
To help improve our schools.
Then traps them in a money bind,
Cash drained and strapped by rules.
Bush said he'd cut our Fed tax bill,
So we could keep our cash.
Then slashes taxes for the rich,
So they can grow their stash.
Bush praises Martin Luther King,
The king of civil rights.
Then elevates Charles Pickering,
Who'd give our rights last rites.
Environmental care he takes
Throughout his Crawford land.
While giving bz polluting pals
Enviro reg-free-hand.
A crackdown on big business thieves
Bush promised on Wall Street.
Then undermines the SEC,
Leaves cronies free to cheat.
Bush says jobs are a major goal
For our economy.
Alas, they're in a deep black hole
With our democracy.
The Dallas Morning News named George Dubya Bush Texan of the Year, noting with just a bit of understatement that Bush is "not a man of rhetorical gifts" and asserting, absurdly, that he has the "courage of the wildcatter." Libel class action on behalf of wildcatters, anyone?
2003 Media Follies provides a handy summary of last year's most overhyped, underreported and misreported stories. And it comes as no surprise that Bush has benefited from just about all of them.
Richard B. Woodward of the Boston Globe asks the burning question: "Americans rank journalists down there with used car salesmen and lawyers. So why do we keep making movies about them?"
If you're in the mood for some media and publishing humor, I've collected all of my media related song parodies, satirical poems, and humorous essays on one media humor page.
It's time for my Second Annual Dubya Quote Quiz. (You'll find my First Annual Dubya Quote Quiz here.) As I said last year, Dubya's use of the English language is so ... uh ... creative, that it's often hard to tell a made-up quote from the real enchilada. So once again, as a public service, I offer a Dubya Quote Quiz, this one based exclusively on quotes from 2003.
Each question consists of four quotes -- three of which George Dubya really said last year and one of which is a fictitious quote straight out of my satirical Dubya's Dayly Diary. So have a good time testing your Bush quote knowledge. You'll find a link to the answers at the end. No cheating now!
1 (a) "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
(b) "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
(c) "Next time the liberal press'll think twice before pesterin me fer a press conference. Cause I sprung one on em Wednesday, and I was fabulous! Those reporters were on the hunt, but they sure as hell didn't have me on the run!"
(d) "There's what they call 'actionable intelligence,' to which our military has responded on a quick basis is improving."
2 (a) "I think war is a dangerous place."
(b) "Laura's freakin cause it leaked out that she had someone buy a kiddy's book fer some TV appearance & then returned the used book fer credit. I don't see what the problem is -- she's just settin a good frugal example fer the American people."
(c) "We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted."
(d) "When you hear about war all the time on your TV screens, the speculation of war and the discussion of war, it's not conducive to a confident tomorrow."
3 (a) "The media likes to dwell on death. It gets them viewers, gets them read. They live to publish lies and leaks. They're just a bunch of sniv'ling sneaks."
(b) "I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person."
(c) "As you notice, when there's a hole in the ground and a person is able to crawl into it in a country the size of California, it means we're on a scavenger hunt for terror, and find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data. And we're on it."
(d) "We said loud and clear [to corporate wrongdoers], if you cheat the shareholder and your employees, you will be held responsible for those decisions. The world is now more peaceful because we acted.
4 (a) "All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."
(b) "It's money that -- that will recognize that power is best when it's disbursed to the people we're trying to help."
(c) "We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into Iraq."
(d) "I really like honorin our Vets, especially the dead ones. Just so long as nobody makes me hug their relatives!"
And speaking of entertaining, the entertaining bilingual (German & English) TMM Fun and Games site has honored me with its 2003 Humor Site of the Year Award. It's so nice to know my humor is appreciated so far away in Frankfurt, Germany! So if you're into games, head on over. And if not, you're still likely to enjoy TMM's Dubya page.
Arianna Huffington has had it up to here with the "Dean is unelectable" crapola. She says, "Personally, I could never trust a man who does not occasionally get hot under the collar." Huffington also observes: "Dean is electable precisely because he's making a decisive break with the spinelessness and pussyfooting that have become the hallmark of the Democratic Party."
At long last, I've set up an RSS Feed for my Notables Weblog. This is a greater accomplishment than it sounds like, because I hand-code my blog. A big thanks goes to the witty and thoughtful
Steve Bates, who rescued me when I screwed the RSS feed code up, and whose own blog feed is here.
Yesterday a dignified sounding man, who identified himself as Merrill Strassberg (sp?), left what I can only assume was a prank message on my answering machine. To summarize, he complimented me on my work, invited me to join "Poets In Support of President Bush," and urged me to call back, although he neglected to leave a phone number. Now anyone with a 3 digit IQ who's read my political poetry or my other political humor, would surely know that I'd no sooner join "Poets In Support of Bush" than I'd join, say, "Zombies For Cheney."
So, either the call was a goof, or his group should be renamed "Illiterate Poets In Support of Bush." (Hmmm, maybe Merrill's the guy who ghostwrote that lousy poem Laura misattributed to Dubya.)
The question remains: Where the hell did he get my phone number? Oh yeah -- I almost forgot -- we're living in the Age of Ashcroft.
I haven't had a chance to take it yet, but VoteByIssue.org has created a quiz that "allows you to discover how much you know about the candidates running in the upcoming 2004 Democratic Primary." I think it will prove to be as interesting a tool as SelectSmart's 2004 American Presidential Candidate Selector.
In Election 2000 the "Al Gore's a liar" myth (and the U.S. Supreme Court) propelled George W. Bush into the Presidency. Well, we have a new myth for Election 2004 -- the "HowardDean is unelectable" myth. And if Karl Rove has his way, that myth may garner Dubya a second term.
I think it's time for Liberals, Democrats, and the media to sing a new tune, and so does Bob Fertik (co-founder of the terrific Democrats.com), who suggested that I write this song. Thanks Bob! So let's all sing "Dean's Electable" to "Unforgettable," by Irving Gordon, using this midi link.
Dean's Electable (to be sung to "Unforgettable'")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dean's electable. Dean worries Karl.
So electable, Rove's nails are gnarled.
It's the fear of Rove that Bush he'll beat,
That he'll send George Dub a huge defeat.
Never before has someone been more
Dubya beatable, in every way.
Dean was right on war, to Karl's dismay.
Stop your quar'ling. It's incredible
That someone that's so electable,
Isn't seen as Dubya's credible foe.
(Long Instrumental Break)
(Time enough to grab a snack or write a check to your favorite candidate)
Dean's electable, in every way.
And forever more, Dean's here to stay.
Stop your quar'ling. Dean's electable.
Brainy, gutsy, so delectable.
Dean can surely be elected by you.
Happy Blogiversary to Steve Bates, the King Of Political Doggerel. Steve credits me with being his blogmother, which is giving me far more credit than I deserve. But I'll proudly take it anyway. I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone who mixes serious commentary with humor better than Steve does. So what are you waiting for? Check out his After All, What's 2004?
And speaking of funny political poetry, Doublethink's Even Roses Are Red Is A Lie (a poem about the poem that Dubya either did or didn't write to Laura) made me laugh out loud. And so did Silt's Independence Day. (Via Steve Bates)
December 25, 2003 (About.com's 2003 Political Dot-Comedy Award Nominees Announced)
I'm very pleased to report that I'm a nominee in two categories in this year's About.com Political Dot-Comedy Awards competition. My political humor as a whole is nominated in the Best Parodies (Overall Achievement) category and my Dubya's Dayly Diary is a nominee in the Best Bush Humor category. So if you have time, I'd really appreciate your voting for me in one or both categories here. Thanks!
And even if you're not in a voting mood, I'll bet you enjoy visiting the terrific nominees in categories including Best Web Cartoons, Best Satirical News, Most Entertaining Left-Wing News & Commentary, Most Entertaining Right-Wing News & Commentary, Best Print Comic Strip, and Best Late-Night TV Comedy. You may even find some new (to you) humor sites to help you survive 2004.
Uh-oh! It looks like Bush's marriage is on the rocks. No, I don't mean Bush and Laura -- I'm talking about Bush and Blair. And from the sound of this news story, I may have to give my Bush & Tony song a rewrite.
Thanks to Rhino's Blog for this priceless Quote of the Day: "The White House has always attracted the mentally ill." -- Secret Service Agent Vincent Charles (explaining heightened security around the White House)
December 15, 2003 (Compare & Contrast: Two Nights On The Town With Hubby Mark)
Night 1 Event: Celebrity-packed screening of The Fog Of War plus cocktail party at Manhattan's Asia Society, hosted by The Week Magazine. Night 2 Event: Mediocre restaurant meal in Port Chester, New York.
Night 1 Weather: Unseasonably warm December night.
Night 2 Weather: Unspeakably frigid December night.
Night 1 Highlights: Watched great documentary which George Bush could (but probably won't) learn a lot from. Heard interesting comments by film's chief editor. Mingled with attendees while sipping tasty Italian red.
Night 2 Highlights: Misplaced Mazda. Found out it was merely towed, not stolen.
Night 1 Lowlights: Missed out on prescreening hot toddies.
Night 2 Lowlights: Informed by cops that we'd (accidentally) parked illegally ... and that tow guy wouldn't release car for 36 hours -- no exceptions.
Night 1 Transportation: Short cab ride to Penn Station plus half hour Long Island Railroad ride.
Night 2 Transportation: 60 minute car ride ... if Mazda not held hostage. Otherwise, 6 to 8 hour multiple train/subway connection trip -- twice.
Night 1 Revelation: That we must see every film Errol Morris has ever made.
Night 2 Revelation: That sufficiently motivated by exhaustion, weather, and transportation challenges, we could charm 2 cops into making 3 phone calls to badger stubborn tow guy into bending rules.
Bonus Revelation: Credit cards are fine for going to a bash. But if your car is towed, you'd better carry cash.
Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure (to be sung to "Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin'")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There's a right wingnut based in the White House.
End that right wingnut's stay in the White House.
His lies are piled high as an elephant's eye,
And it looks like they're climbin' clear up to the sky.
Oh what a mis'rable failure.
Dubya, great pal of Ken Lay.
Stop all his lies. Tell him, "Up yours!"
Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day
Let us battle to land in the White House.
Oust that cattle-less hat from the White House.
He makes me see red as he preens and implies
That he's chosen by God and a really nice guy.
Oh what a mis'rable failure.
Dubya has led us astray.
Stop all his lies and his oil whores.
Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day!
We'll go down if we don't dump George Dubya.
Take his crown. We must oust ol' George Dubya.
He's sleazily muzzling our right to speak free,
While he's emptied our till with his war spending spree.
Oh what a mis'rable failure.
Dubya, great pal of Ken Lay.
Stop all his lies. Tell him, "Up yours!"
Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day.
Dump Georgie Bush. Make my day.
I hope everyone had a great Turkey Day. Oops! Wrong turkey!
In honor of what's generally the biggest holiday shopping day of the year in the US, here's the intro to my Mad Gift Giving Guide. (Essential reading before trying to buy a gift for your spouse or sig other.)
Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale.
American snipers and special agents traveling with Bush were to be given diplomatic immunity in the event that they should kill any of the expected 100,000 protesters. An artillery weapon called the "mini gun," normally used in battlefield conditions, was to be flown in in case it was deemed necessary to mow down protesters en masse. Vast sections of the city were to be closed to all traffic, forcing the closure of untold hundreds of businesses. Americans were to be placed in charge of all security operations, ahead of the British Scotland Yard, the MI5, the Metropolitan police, and Blair's own security detail. And U.S. fighter jets and Blackhawk attack helicopters, armed with surface-to-ground missiles and high-powered machine guns, were to secure the skies over London.
So naturally I had to whip up a poem about Dubya'sUKtrip:
Dubya's Travels, Brit Travails By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Bush so wants to greet the Queen
And pose for photo ops.
He'd also love some signs unseen,
Their bearers nabbed by cops.
Says Queen to Blair, however did
You get me in this mess?
I cannot wait to Bush be rid.
He's here at your request.
So sorry, Tony Blair responds.
It seemed a jolly plan.
Who knew that I had formed a bond
With such a hideous man?
David Frum is seriously worried about George Bush's upcoming trip to the United Kingdom. And Natalie Davis thinksDubya's latest pronouncement about his UK trip deserves an Alanis Morrissette song. Presumably unaware of (or indifferent to) the irony in his statement, Bush claims to welcome the massive protests expected in London because "I don't expect everybody in the world to agree with the positions I've taken."
While we're waiting for Ms. Morrissette to come through for us, we could always sing my old standby,
Bush and Tony:
Bush & Tony (to be sung to "Love and Marriage")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Go together like a cart and pony.
This I tell you brother
You can't have one without the other.
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Always waging war and being phony.
Ask the local gentry
And they will say it's elementary.
Try, try, try to separate them
From their distortions.
Try, try, try, and you will only come
To this conclusion.
When I'm not writing political song parodies and working on Dubya's Dayly Diary, I often find myself roaming the web, in search of liberal laughs. Here are some recent finds:
Len the Philosophical Scrivener gives us this revelation from Rob Walker: "in real life, there is no brand of chewing gum or hair gel that will instantly transform you into a pulsing object of sexual desire." Damn!
As everyone who's been awake lately knows, CBS caved in to right-wing bullying over the Ronald Reagan miniseries. And so we have yet another victory in the battle of Gipper disciples to orchestrate history. And we also have a song parody, "St. Reagan's Song" to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady." It starts:
St. Reagan's Song (to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
You'll be sorry if you dare to say, he ain't.
A fine bloke who's kind and cunning,
Beat the Russians, great with money.
He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
Reagan's great, scream the wingnuts. Stop that flick!
Don't you dare disparage Reagan. They'll be ticked!
They'll go off and say we're haters,
Threaten boycotts, claim we're traitors.
He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
