MadKane.com Hires An Ombudsman For years I've been flooded with emails challenging the accuracy of MadKane.com. At first I did what most publications do -- I ignored them. But as time went by, I realized that something had to be done. So in keeping with recent trends and in the interest of sound journalism, I've appointed an ombudsman who'd like to be known only as "Bud." Here is Bud's first report...
AWOL Jobs "Our jobs are disappearing
To nations far and wide.
While Dubya has no plan at all
To stem this risky tide..."
Ralph & Rove "It looks like Ralph Nader is poised to announce another run. I guess he found this email persuasive:
From: Karl_Rove@Whitehouse.gov
To: Ralph_Nader@Spoiler.org
Subject: What will it take? ..."
Mass Distraction "A Massachusetts Liberal
They call him with a hiss.
For wingnuts could there ever be
A better Kerry diss..."
Dubya's Poetic Injustice "A humble foreign policy,
Bush promised way back when.
Then wages war preemptively.
For bloodshed Dubya yens..."
2nd Annual Dubya Quote Quiz Can you tell the difference between a satirical Dubya quote and the real enchilada? Take the second annual Dubya Quote Quiz and see.
Dean's Electable (to be sung to "Unforgettable'")
"Dean's electable. Dean worries Karl.
So electable, Rove's nails are gnarled.
It's the fear of Rove that Bush he'll beat,
That he'll send George Dub a huge defeat..."
Almanacs of Evil "If you dare to use an almanac,
The Feds are on your case.
You may swear you're not a maniac,
But charges you could face..."
Bushtown Races "The Bush White House is being praised for not gloating over Saddam Hussein's capture. But is Bush really exercising such uncharacteristic self-restraint? Not according to my sources, who claim he's singing a different tune in the privacy of the Oval Office..."
Oh, What A Mis'rable Failure (to be sung to "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" from "Oklahoma")
"There's a right wingnut based in the White House.
End that right wingnut's stay in the White House.
His lies are piled high as an elephant's eye,
And it looks like they're climbin' clear up to the sky..."
Dubya's Travels, Brit Travails "George Bush so wants to greet the Queen
And pose for photo ops.
He'd also love some signs unseen,
Their bearers nabbed by cops..."
St. Reagan's Song (to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady")
"He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
You'll be sorry if you dare to say, he ain't.
A fine bloke who's kind and cunning,
Beat the Russians, great with money.
He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint..."
Dubya's Don't Blame Me Song (to be sung to "Good King Wenceslas")
"I didn't do it. Not my fault!
Maybe 'twas some sailor.
Banners ain't my thing at all.
I was with my tailor..."
The Spinning Song (to be sung to "Spinning Wheel" by David Clayton Thomas -- Blood, Sweat & Tears)
"Down is up. Up is down.
Spinners wield lies that confound.
Claimin' that our troubles really prove: We win!
Spreadin' Bush baloney, Dubya smirks as he spins..."
Ode to the Barbed Bushes "George Dubya's mom goes on TV
To plug her book and whine.
She brags about her Forty-three.
Says Dems shouldn't Dub malign..."
General Boykin's Ballad "We're at war against Satan?
A startling idea!
That explains all the hatin'
And mongering fear..."
Press Filter Follies (Dubya's Anti-Media Poem)
"An evil filter is the press.
They lie and say Iraq's a mess.
Though things are going great down there,
You'll never hear it on the air..."
The Traitorgate Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow)
"The scandal started with a Niger lie
About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate..."
French Fall Guy Song (to be sung to "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair," from South Pacific)
"Bush wants to wash the French right out of his hair.
Old Europe France does things he simply can't bear.
If only France was out of George Bush's hair.
He'd always get his way..."
The Traitor Tune (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
"If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House, you're a fool..."
The Blackout Song (to be sung to "Just The Way You Are," by Billy Joel)
"Don't go blaming
George Bush for blackouts.
Electric grids are such a bore..."
Power Pols "How the politicians glower
When they're blamed for losing power.
Make excuses by the hour,
Faces grim and oh so dour..."
Spying Days Are Here Again (To be sung to "Happy Days Are Here Again")
"Spying days are here again.
You aren't safe from evil men.
One might even be a real close friend.
Spying days are here again..."
The Fair & Balanced Song Parody (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Fair and balanced,
Fair and balanced.
Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
Fox calls critics liars.
O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire..."
Yellow Bush of Texas (To be sung to "Yellow Rose of Texas")
"There's a yellow Bush in Texas, that's where he loves to be.
Where Dub can dodge the media, evading scrutiny.
He cries so when he leaves there, it nearly breaks his heart..."
Fabulosa Condoleezza (To be sung to "Mona Lisa")
"Condoleezza, Condoleezza, Dub adores you.
You're so fine at saying falsehoods with a smile.
Is it cause you're female, Condi, that they've blamed you
For your fabulosa fakery and guile..."
Dear John Ashcroft @WeKnowWhoYouAre.gov Secreted out of the White House by "Deep Dubya" -- a frightening questionnaire from the "write President Bush email system" we almost got.
Bush Says The Words (To be sung to "I Write The Songs")
"I say the words that other people write.
Don't give a damn if they are wrong or right.
As long as folks think war is justified.
I say the words, I say the words..."
Bush Misleads (To be sung to "Let It Be")
"We must drive ourselves in times of trouble.
Mustn't tarry, must be free.
We shall work to oust him. Bush misleads..."
Democrats' Anthem: Election 2004 (To be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind")
"How many wars must a President start
Without any reason at all?
How much ill will must a President cause
Until he at last takes the fall?
How many wars must a President launch
Because he is greedy for oil?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans..."
Christie Whitman Went To Town (To be sung to "Yankee Doodle")
"Christie Whitman went to town
To do George Dubya's bidding.
For power acted like a clown,
Enviro head unfitting.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected..."
Ari, Ari (To be sung to "Monday, Monday")
"Ari, Ari, Please don't leave me.
Ari, Ari, You were all I hoped you would be.
Oh, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, please guarantee
Through reelection you will still be here with me..."
Bye Bye Mitch (To be sung to "Bye Bye Love")
"Bye bye Mitch,
Mitch D's quit, he says,
He helped make a mess,
I sure ain't gonna cry..."
"Traitor" Chicks Serenade (To be sung to "Lollipop")
"Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
So when they try to sing and play and dance,
Man, they haven't got a chance..."
All I Want Is A New Regime (To be sung to "Wouldn't It Be Loverly" from "My Fair Lady")
"All I want is a new regime,
In the White House a brand new team,
From ear to ear I'd beam,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly..."
The Rummy Poem Slate Missed "Don Rumsfeld wants some muting
Of news that he's disputing
And photos he's refuting,
Cause we've won every fray..."
Antiwar Humor Page. To make it easier to find my antiwar song parodies and comic strips, I've created this antiwar humor page. It also has an annotated list of links to many fine sites featuring antiwar humor.
Don't Cry For Dick's Halliburton (To be sung to the chorus of "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina")
"Don't cry for Dick's Halliburton.
The truth is he never left you.
All through his Veep days,
His mad existence,
He kept his promise.
He went the distance..."
Disinfo Ode "Are we being misled
By reporters embed
Spewing info spoon-fed?
Is the truth being shred..."
Bush Don't Need No Demonstrations (To be sung to "Another Brick in the Wall," by Pink Floyd)
"Bush don't need no demonstrations.
He don't need no 'pinion polls.
No dark forecasts of gloom and war doom.
Peaceniks! Leave George Bush alone..."
More Dubya Comic Strips My latest Dubya Comic Strips are Dubya Doles Out Democracy, Chicken-Hawk President, and Export Nation.
Old George Dubya's Talkin' (To be sung to "Everybody's Talkin'")
"Old George Dubya's talkin' at me.
I don't buy a word he's sayin'.
Can't bear the echoes of his lies..."
Dubya Comic Strips I've created some more Dubya Comic Strips. So far I've posted State of Disunion, Dubya Makes the Grade, Warrior Bush, Phrase-Maker Bush, Sacred Bush, Dubya Does College, Blind Trust, and State of the Union.
Bush and Tony (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Go together like a cart and pony.
This I tell you brother
You can't have one without the other.
Bush and Tony, Bush and Tony
Always waging war & being phony..."
Prez From Old New England (To be sung to "Girl From Ipanema")
"Tall and tan and brash and ornery,
The Prez from old New England goes talking,
And when he rants, yes, the Dems he bashes go -- Bah..."
Class Warfare Song (To be sung to "Moon River")
"Class warfare,
Poverty will swell
If Karl and Dubya get
Their way..."
Dubya Quote Quiz Can you tell the difference between a satirical Dubya quote and the real enchilada? Take the first annual Dubya Quote Quiz and see.
Fristy The Surgeon (To be sung to "Frosty The Snowman" by Nelson & Rollins)
"Fristy the surgeon
Was elected on the phone.
With a White House boost got the Leader post.
Will he throw Trent Lott a bone..."
Trent Lott's Lot "Said good ol' boy Trent,
You misconstrued
Just what I meant.
'Twas but a toast to a friend,
Cause he still is not yet dead..."
Bush Loves Things Just The Way They Are (To be sung to "Just The Way You Are" by Billy Joel)
"Don't go blaming
George Bush for Wall Street,
Cause fuzzy math is such a bore..."
Secret To Hide (To be sung to "Ticket To Ride" by Lennon/McCartney)
"The nation's gonna be had.
I think it's today, yeah.
That Bush he's driving me mad
With Henry the K..."
The Rantings Of Trent Lott (To be sung to "The Sidewalks Of New York" by Lawlor & Blake)
"Sounding off in DC
From his Senate stoop,
In his right-wing meetings,
Lott leads a scary group..."
When Liberals Rule (To be sung to "Blue Bayou" by Roy Orbison and Joe Melson)
"I feel so bad, I got a worried mind,
I`m so anxious all the time,
Since the Dems were left far behind
And George Bush rules..."
Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
"Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
Say goodbye to privacy.
Say goodbye to freedom..."
Tommy's Tune (To be sung to "Alfie" by Hal David & Burt Bacharach)
"What's it all about, Tommy?
Why did Dems get such paltry few wins..."
Handling Harvey "CHENEY: Good morning, Mr. President. We need to discuss the Pitt problem. If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Harvey to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: But I like Harvey. More important -- our pals like Harvey. What's the matter with yur eye?
CHENEY: There's nothing wrong with my eye! If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Pitt to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: I just told ya -- I'm not dumpin Harvey! Ya really should get that eye looked at..."
Bush Don't Want No Arms Inspections (To be sung to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones)
"I don't want no arms inspections,
I don't want no arms inspections.
But I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie..."
Irresolution Blues (To be sung to "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" by Ahlert/Young)
"I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution.
And make believe it's right to do.
The GOP is tough to beat.
I'm scared to go down in defeat.
And so I kissed George Bush's bottom.
Please don't think I'm rotten..."
401(k) Ode (Owed) (To be sung to "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye" by Kahn, Erdman & Russo)
"Four-Oh-One-Kay, good-bye!
Keeps on dropping, oh my!
Republicans who tell me,
I shouldn't be blue, no words can tell how mad it makes me.
Four-Oh-One-Kay, oh when
Will you rise up again..."
Suin' For The Win (To be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan)
"How many ways can I run unopposed
And still claim that I'm being fair?
How many ways can I get every vote
And land me a Senator's chair?
How many claims can I bring to the courts
Before the election's declared?
The answer my friends is in my lawyers' hands,
The answer is in my lawyers' hands..."
Don't Think Twice, Let's Just Fight (To be sung to "Don't Think Twice" by Bob Dylan)
"Well it ain’t no use to curse and pine and sigh, babe.
If you don't know by now.
And it ain’t no use to miss that other guy, babe.
And the ever rising Dow.
Cause my boosters crow and the weak Dems fawn.
Read any paper. You'll see I've won.
That's the reason I'm warrin' on.
Don't think twice, let's just fight..."
War's A Distraction (To be sung to "Anticipation" by Carly Simon)
"We can never know about the days to come.
But we think about them anyway.
And I wonder how we let Bush bring us down.
Why he always gets his damn mean and evil way.
War's a distraction. War's a distraction.
He's feeding us hate.
Iraq he's baiting..."
Weblog Wonderland (To be sung to "Winter Wonderland")
"Bloggers zing, are you list'nin'?
Some are vain, some are bristlin'.
The left and the right
Are happy tonight.
Surfin' in a weblog wonderland..."
Bush Clears His Brain (To be sung to "The Rain In Spain" from "My Fair Lady" by Lerner & Loewe)
"To clear his brain Bush runs across the plain.
That George he does it.
That George he does it.
He runs because he fears he'll go insane..."
Iraq, Iraq (To be sung to "New York, New York" from "On The Town")
"Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down.
Most hawks say yup, but some others just frown.
Hussein belongs in a hole in the ground.
Iraq, Iraq, I refuse to back down..."
On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
"They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
But I don't want to hurt my friends.
And tough laws give my pals the bends.
Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."
Preemption (To be sung to "Tradition" from "Fiddler On The Roof")
"Preemption, preemption! Preemption!
Preemption, preemption! Preemption!
Who, day and night, must run the greatest nation,
Heed the polls and Karl Rove, say his daily prayers?
And who has the right, as U. S. President,
To have the final word on war..."
I Read The News Each Day, Oh Boy (To be sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life" by Lennon/McCartney)
"I read the news each day, oh boy
About a President who got poor grades.
Of course the news is mostly sad
Though one thing made me laugh
The chewing gum photograph..."
Ode to Pootie-Poot (To be sung to the tune of "Lollipop" by the Chordettes)
"Pootie-Poot, Pootie-Poot, oh Pootie, Pootie, Pootie,
Pootie-Poot, Pootie-Poot, oh Pootie, Pootie, Pootie,
Pootie-Poot, Pootie-Poot, oh Pootie, Pootie, Pootie,
Pootie-Poot.
Call my Putin Pootie-Poot.
Tell you why.
His soul is sweeter than an apple pie.
But with his tough negotiation stance
Man, I haven't got a chance..."
Dubya's Dayly Diary My satirical Dubya's Dayly Diary has been named USATODAY.com's Fun Site of the Week and won an About.com Bushie Award for best Bush-inspired parody on the Net.
Bloggers' Rhapsody (To be sung to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by George & Ira Gershwin)
"You praise my weblog
And I'll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I'll link to your blog
Weblog, Your blog, Weblog, Your blog,
Let's call the whole thing off.
You laud my rampage On Bush's last outrage.
You say I'm so sage,
Go check out my web page..."
Spinmeister (To be sung to the tune of "Matchmaker" from "Fiddler on the Roof")
"Spinmeister, spinmeister, spin me some spin,
Write me a line, win me a win.
Spinmeister, spinmeister, search through your brain
And spin me some 9-1-1 spin..."
Ashcroft's Favorite Things (To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
"Rifles and roscoes and Winch'sters and cannons,
Rich NRA guys who own lots of weapons,
Generous men to whose pockets I cling,
These are a few of my favorite things..."
Hey Hughes (To be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")
"Hey Hughes, don't leave DC.
Take a sad Bush and make me better.
Remember I need you cause you're so smart,
Then you can start to make me better..."
Five Foot Ten (To be sung to the tune of "Five Foot Two")
"Five foot ten, great at spin,
But oh! she's tougher than most men.
Has anybody seen my gal?
Striking pose, scares my foes,
There's no end to what she knows.
Has anybody seen my gal..."
Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."
I'm Dubya The President (To be sung to the tune of "I'm Popeye The Sailor Man")
"I'm Dubya the President.
I've always said what I meant.
When I yell "Stop terror!"
I'm never in error.
I'm Dubya the President..."
Publishing Suffers Another Blow "In the wake of Oprah's announcement that she's terminating her popular book club, the publishing industry has sustained yet another crushing blow: Mad Kane, Dubya Channeler & host of MadKane.com, has announced that she will not launch a book club. 'I thought long and hard about this,' Mad Kane said, 'because public figures have a responsibility to encourage reading. Plus President Bush seems to think reading is good, and failing to support any Bush mission is, arguably, a terrorist act...'"
Dubya's Dream (To be sung to the tune of "Impossible Dream" from "Man From La Mancha")
"To scheme an insidious scheme,
Where every dissenter's my foe,
To act like I share people's sorrow,
To run three fast miles in a row..."
Nukes Glorious Nukes (To be sung to the tune of "Food Glorious Food" from "Oliver")
"Nukes, glorious nukes! I'm eager to build 'em.
When I'm in the mood, I might even launch 'em.
Peace? Don't make me laugh, boys. What's next? There's no question.
Rich patriots rule. Doves get indigestion..."
Bush And His Shadow (To be sung to the tune of "Me And My Shadow")
"Bush and his shadow, ruling the United States.
Bush and his shadow, not a word to Dems whose guts he hates.
And when it's time to act, he turns to Blair.
Bush won't share facts with Congress on a dare.
Just Bush and his shadow, all alone and feeling great..."
Old Dick Cheney (To be sung to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm")
"Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO.
And when they sued, Dick had a cow, he hates the GAO.
With a lawsuit here and a lawsuit there,
Here a suit, there a suit,
Everywhere a lawsuit.
Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO..."
Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
"Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."
Ode To Korean Sunshine (To be sung to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine")
"I praise the sunshine, I root for sunshine,
Tween South Korea and N. K. too.
They'll never know, Dick, how much I'm lying.
Please don't take my war ruse away..."
Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy "In the wake of the terrorist attacks on the United States, political humor has virtually disappeared, replaced by patriotic platitudes. Deprived of their customary targets, late night TV talk show hosts are at their wits' end, struggling to find a new humorous voice that entertains without offending. So it's not surprising that Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher have sought comic relief in group therapy. Here's the transcript of their first joint therapy session, leaked to me by someone I'll simply call Deep Doc..."
George Dubya Bush Channeler Seeks Therapy "Doctor's Notes: An unusually difficult first session. Patient was referred by Employer law firm, who has placed Patient on indefinite mental health leave. HR files furnished by Employer report erratic behavior dating back eight months, including: 1. Patient refused to address sundry judges as "Your Honor" on seven occasions, leading to..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
Election News Alert "Health care professionals throughout the United States are bracing for a severe outbreak of National Election Withdrawal Syndrome..."
Ms. LegalPerson Tries To Explain Election 2000 "Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday's Presidential election is over and that Gore ... no ... Bush ... no ... Gore ... no ... Bush ... no.... Hmmm, better begin again in the "do over" spirit that's overtaken the U.S. media. Here goes: Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday is history. Tuesday's election, however, may never end..."
Great Math Divide Every time I open a newspaper or surf the Web, there's another poll trying to predict who will be our next President. But are the pollsters asking the right questions? I'm convinced that when push comes to lever pull..."
A Kiss Before Speechifying "Actually, I was trying to send a message to Tipper." So said Vice President Al Gore, when asked if he was trying to send a message to the country with the Gores' nationally televised smooch on the final evening of the Democratic National Convention. For some reason I can't quite grasp, people are making a big deal about the not quite X-rated kiss Al gave Tipper right before he began his nomination acceptance speech...
You Really Want A House? Okay, Here's The Drill. "President Clinton recently picked up a cordless electric drill and joked that he'd be needing one now that he's about to become a homeowner..."
