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March 31, 2004
Testimony
The White House also agreed that Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney would answer questions - together, in private - before the entire commission.

Associated Press
Bush, Cheney to testify together in private
March 30, 2004


Scene: The Roosevelt Room in the west wing of the White House. Time: The near future. Members of the 9/11 Commission sit on one side of a large walnut conference table, President Bush and Vice President Cheney on the other. Next to them is White House Counsel Albert Gonzales. An elderly secretary sits at one end of the table, pad of paper in her lap, dozing in her chair. Two beefy secret service agents guard the door.

Chairman Kean: (looks to his fellow commissioners to make sure they're ready, then taps his gavel lightly on the table) I hereby call this special executive session of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States to order. In keeping with your request Mr. President, today's session will not be recorded, and we will have only one note taker ... (she snores audibly) from the White House secretarial pool. Are these arrangements satisfactory?

Bush: (glances at Cheney, who barely nods his head) Yeah, this'll do, I guess. I mean, it's not like we've got anything to hide. (he catches Timothy Roemer trying to suppress a smile) Whaddya you laughin' at, Tiny Tim? You wanna piece of me? Mano a mano?

Kean: Mr. President, please! We don't have much time!

Cheney: (smiling) Fifty seven minutes and forty three seconds, Mr. Chairman.

Kean: But Mr. Vice President, Mr. Gonzales assured us you and the president would not set an arbitrary time limit on your testimony today!

Cheney: (still smiling) Fifty seven minutes and eighteen seconds, Mr. Chairman. (winks at Gonzales)

Kean: (flustered) Then I suppose we should proceed. Mr. President? Excuse me, Mr. President? May we begin?

Bush: (still glaring at Roemer) Fine by me. But just remember what I said: We got nothin' to hide, and Dick here can vouch for it. Why, he knows I woulda stopped those planes if the CIA had just told us where the damned ragheads were gonna strike ... (Cheney bursts out in a loud fit of coughing. We hear the sound of a foot being stomped under the table. Bush winces and stops talking.)

Kean: (rushes to fill an awkward silence) Then I believe Mr. Ben-Veniste is scheduled to go first. If someone would just, uh, alert our note taker there... (Jamie Gorelick leans over and nudges the secretary, who wakes up with a start)

Note Taker: Eh? Is it time for coffee?

Gorelick: (sotto voice) The testimony is starting.

Note Taker: (querulous) What? Farting? Who's farting? Don't tell me Mr. Card had the bean soup for lunch again today!

Gorelick: I said, the testimony is starting.

Note Taker: (stares at Gorelick for a moment, then starts to fiddle with a hearing aid in her ear) Just a minute dearie, I think I need to replace the battery in this thing ...

Cheney: (grinning) Fifty three minutes, seventeen seconds, Mr. Chairman.

Kean: Commissioner Ben-Veniste, you may begin.

Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, what did you know and when did you know it?

Bush: Say what?

Ben-Veniste: (chuckles) Sorry, Mr. President. I couldn't resist that one. (clears throat, grows more serious) Mr. President, you were inaugurated as president on January 20th, 2001, were you not?

Bush: (evasive) You mean as president of the U.S. of A.?

Ben-Veniste: Yes sir, that's right.

Bush: Well, I, that is, um ... I think ... (Cheney loudly stamps his foot under the table, twice)

Bush: (carefully pronouncing each word) Yes, Commissioner, that statement is correct.

Ben-Veniste: And as president, you bear the ultimate responsibility for your administration's performance, do you not?

Bush: Responsibility? I'm not sure I like the sound of that ... (Cheney loudly stamps his foot, once.)

Ben-Veniste: (annoyed) Is something wrong, Mr. Vice President?

Cheney: It's just my foot, Commissioner. I'm afraid it's gone to sleep. (stamps it again, once.)

Bush: (slowly and precisely) No Commissioner, I must disagree with you about that.

Ben-Veniste: About what?

Bush: What?

Ben-Veniste: You must disagree about what?

Bush: (flustered) Whatever you just said, that's what.

Ben-Veniste: (sighs, consults his papers) Mr. President, we've heard testimony from Director Tenet, and others, that you were briefed on August 6, 2001 about the threat of terrorist hijackings -- either in the United States or abroad -- and that your senior counter-terrorism advisor urged you to take the federal government to "battle stations." Do you recall these conversations?

(Cheney drums his fingers on the table, loudly. Then again, very slowly)

Bush: (grins at Cheney) Could you repeat your question, Commissioner? A little more slowly?

Ben-Veniste: (exasperated) Mr. President, on August 6, 2001, were you or where you not warned that Al Qaeda terrorists might be planning a major hijacking?

Bush: (slouches back casually in his chair) Welllll, lessee now. August 6th, you say? Hmmmm...you know Commissioner, that was a mighty long time ago. (he glances at Cheney, who nods sympathetically)

Bush: I'm going to have to think real hard about that one, Ben.

Ben-Veniste: My name's Richard.

Bush: Whatever. August 6th ... August 6th ... You know, I think I was on vacation that month, back in Crawford. Ain't that right, Dick? (Cheney nods) You ever been down to that part of Texas, Ben? Awful pretty country ... (Cheney looks at his watch, smiles)

Ben-Veniste: (wearily) Let's move on, Mr. President, maybe we can return to that question later. (Cheney makes a scoffing noise in the back of his throat.)

Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, have you ever had any business dealings with any members of the Bin Laden family?

Bush: (gives Ben-Veniste a shifty look) Have I ever had any what?

Ben-Veniste: Business dealings. Have any members of the Bin Laden family ever invested in any of the companies you've been associated with, or served as directors with you on any corporate boards ...?

Gonzales: (interrupts) Mr. Ben-Veniste, the administration wants to cooperate with the commission's work, but we have clearly stipulated as a condition for this session that questions about the president's relationship with the Bin Laden family are entirely out of bounds.

Ben-Veniste: (frowns) You have? I've seen no record of it.

Gonzales: That's because there isn't any. (snorts) We just made it up. (Cheney gives Gonzales a high five)

Kean: (interjects) Works for me! Now if you have no further questions, Commissioner Ben-Veniste, we'll move on to Commissioner Thompson. (Ben-Veniste starts to protest, but thinks better of it after noticing that one of the secret service agents is cracking his knuckles and glaring at him.)

Kean: Big Jim?

Thompson: (puts down the porno novel he's been reading) Thank you Mr. Chairman. I yield the balance of my time to Mr. Cheney. (picks up porno novel.)

Gorelick: Objection, Mr. Chairman!

Kean: (bangs gavel) Overruled. Mr. Cheney?

Cheney: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Since our time here is growing short... (Gorelick tries to interrupt, but Kean gavels her down.)

Cheney: As I was saying (smiles at Gorelick), since our time is now short, I'd like to take this opportunity to put something on the record -- something that's been bothering me really ever since 9/11. To the families of those who died on that terrible day, I want to say how sorry I am that so many of our career federal bureaucrats failed to protect you and your loved ones. Dick Clarke failed you. George Tenet failed you. But most of all, Dick Clarke and George Tenet failed you. They tried -- maybe not as hard as they should have, but nobody's perfect. Still, they failed. I just hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive them someday. (wipes an imaginary tear from his eye, then glances at his watch)

Bush: (cuts in) And now Mr. Chairman, in the few minutes remaining, I'd like to offer a prayer for each and every soul who went to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on that tragic day. Please bow your heads while Al here reads the names of our honored dead. Ready when you are, Al. (Bush bows his head)

(As Gonzales pulls a thick list from his briefcase, the Democratic commissioners fume, throwing down their pens and angrily gathering up their papers. The Republican commissioners, meanwhile, stare blissfully into their folded hands.)

Gonzales: (reading from list) Adams, Edgar P. ... Afford, Janice ... Agee, Betty L. ... Agee, Simon F. ...

Bush: (bellowing over Gonzales) Oh Heavenly Father, we beseech you to accept the Christians on this sacred list into your loving care, and we beg you also to show mercy to the nonbelievers, that they may someday be released from the gates of hell, and find their way to Jesus ...

(Bush's prayer gradually fades into an echo, leaving only the sound of Gonzales reading the names of the dead)

Gonzales: Butcher, Gerald R ... Bzyninski, Maude ... Carmine, Joseph .... (his voice gradually dies away)

(Fade to black)

Posted by billmon at March 31, 2004 02:03 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Jesus, Billmon. You want to give the Bush Folks ideas?

Posted by: Christopher Allbritton at March 31, 2004 02:14 AM

Fantastically done. Best lines:

"Dick Clarke failed you. George Tenet failed you. But most of all, Dick Clarke and George Tenet failed you."

Posted by: Rowan at March 31, 2004 02:15 AM

It's a good thing you mentioned this takes place in the near future. I find I can no longer distinguish black comedy from official White House transcripts.

Posted by: Olds88 at March 31, 2004 02:17 AM

Sweet Baby Jesus, Billmon!

I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Its all so true. Will be so true. Just a lot less funny. SNL should buy this one off of you.

You just keep getting better while the government gets worse.

BTW, did anyone hear the skit some group did on NPR a year or two ago on the Cheney Energy Task Force? That was hoot as well.

Posted by: Stoy at March 31, 2004 02:23 AM

Better get that SAG membership up and running soon... grin.

It's not politics, but it sure is fun!

--HB

Posted by: hubbabubba at March 31, 2004 03:07 AM

Well done,Billmon! Very clever.:-)

Posted by: Malcolm at March 31, 2004 03:09 AM

hey Billmon,

you forgot something ... Ashcroft singing in the background

(careful could cause browser to freeze....or maybe I'm just a heathen)

I'm sure we'll be hearing strange things in the future....

Posted by: sukabi at March 31, 2004 03:18 AM

Utterly brilliant. Best. Satire. Ever. :-) It somehow evokes faint memories of a Python sketch, but I can't remember which one. High praise.

Posted by: Lupin at March 31, 2004 03:24 AM

It is said, Big Jim's taste in porno might be surprising to some in the Party of God Fearing Straight People. Then again, Jim was actually a helluva Govenor and no one gives a damn.

Posted by: ArchPundit at March 31, 2004 03:37 AM

It somehow evokes faint memories of a Python sketch, but I can't remember which one.

The Parrot Sketch

Has a lovely plumage, doesn't it sir

The plumage doesn't enter in to it, ITS DEAD

No it isn't,

Yes, it is

Posted by: free patriot at March 31, 2004 04:32 AM

Made me misty. I always forget about how powerful playwriting can be.

Posted by: crasspastor at March 31, 2004 05:18 AM

Bush: I'm going to have to think real hard about that one, Ben.

Ben-Veniste: My name's Richard.

You missed your calling, sir. That was brilliant.

Posted by: The Tooth at March 31, 2004 05:41 AM

ROFLMAOBSG

(the "BSG" addendum signifying "But Simultaneously Gagging".)

Holy Hell, Billmon. ...Words fail.

Posted by: tripsarecopsem at March 31, 2004 05:42 AM

Did Dick C have his hand behind George W during the latter's testimony? Were Dick C's lips moving when George W was testifying? Keep in mind that Dick C is no dummy.

Posted by: Shag from Brookline at March 31, 2004 06:53 AM


Billmon is amazing. Certainly a book can emerge from these inspired scribblings.

Posted by: Idaho Draw at March 31, 2004 07:15 AM

Way to go Billmon. What don't you do well?

Posted by: gsabino at March 31, 2004 07:27 AM

So the WhiteWash House admits Bush is an idiot that requires lying supervision. Will the media even MENTION this? Look! Dean's scream! Gore in earth tones!

Posted by: MattB at March 31, 2004 07:50 AM

Billmon, you forgot the postscript:

Kean (to the assembled poodles of the press outside the WH): The President and Vice President were most helpful in clearing up any inconsistencies the commission encountered in previous witnesses' testimony. We are grateful to have had the opportunity to confirm, for the historical record, their principled leadership during those terrible days of national crisis in 2001.

Posted by: SG at March 31, 2004 07:56 AM

Cheney and Bush testifying together. Now that was a lobbed softball. Good thing, too, because it just waited there, over the plate, until your server troubles disappeared.

And then you hit it out of the park!

Posted by: emptywheel at March 31, 2004 08:02 AM

What are the ethical standards regarding commission members' wearing wires? Surely somebody could sneak a recorder in and simply claim later to have an excellent memory?

Alas. While simulteneously gagging.

Posted by: Jackmormon at March 31, 2004 08:02 AM

It is hard to disagree with former CIA analyst Bill Christison that the 9/11 commission is now little more than an "entertainment event for news junkies".

He offers a sobering assessment of the "9/11 Commission" The Import of the 9/11 Commission
The Hearings Concentrate on Side Issues, But Provide Dangerous Harbringers for the Future
over at CounterPunch, sobering especially for those who believe that putting a Democrat in charge of our "War on Terror", as currently conceived, will make much of a difference.

Posted by: tgs at March 31, 2004 08:44 AM

What is with this Howdy Doody shit? I want to see Cheney take a sip of water while Bush is talking. How humilitating this must be for out boy president. Will they have two chairs or is Jr going to sit on Cheney's lap?

Posted by: SW at March 31, 2004 09:01 AM

The 9/11 Commission is a sideshow that distracts us from the real issues - which was probably the point. I feel like I'm eating peanuts and watching a juggler ride a unicycle while the circus tent burns.

Bill Christison, a former CIA analyst, had a good article at Counterpunch yesterday (3/30):

href="http://www.counterpunch.org/">linked text

Christison calls the commission "at best one more Roman circus distracting us from what should be our main goal: PERSUADING WASHINGTON TO SCRAP ITS FOREIGN AND MILITARY POLICIES THAT FOSTER U.S. GLOBAL DOMINATION AND AN AGGRESSIVE ISRAELI-U.S. PARTNERSHIP IN DOMINATING THE MIDDLE EAST."

US policy is now openly aimed at global domination. Christison adds that "These policy steps (toward global domination) also fitted nicely with the needs of the principal financial backers of both major U.S. political parties for more aggressive U.S. policies that would encourage a continuation and expansion of their own profits.

He goes on to anaylze where our foreign policy is headed based on radically increased military and CIA funding levels:

If you accept as valid the views that terrorism against the U.S. and its allies is entirely the fault of those whom the U.S. labels enemies, and that military actions initiated by the U.S. are entirely defensive and therefore valid, then you will see nothing wrong with the massive expansion of the CIA and other U.S. intelligence agencies (or for that matter the expansion of our overt military services). But if you are skeptical of these views, then you should also understand that most people of the world will regard this surging growth of U.S. intelligence activities as immoral and as representing a truly absurd and crazy excess in the American political system that should be opposed by every thoughtful person.

Most Americans do not realize the extremely negative effect that a global expansion of CIA activities, particularly covert actions, has on other peoples. It seems almost impossible for the U.S. to avoid bragging about strengthening its intelligence capabilities while at the same time coyly claiming that it cannot reveal the details for reasons of security. It is just one more form of arrogance that the U.S. displays, and it simply intensifies global hatred of the U.S. The covertness of what the CIA does makes the blowback worse. The use of covert action by the U.S. should be reduced, not expanded. Any instances of it that are uncovered become a cause of more terrorism. The U.S. literally encourages this. Governments around the world can easily obtain and study every unclassified briefing that Tenet gives, and newspapers, TV, and radio in other nations revel in spreading and embellishing stories about what the CIA says it is doing.

In short, our own govt is pursuing policies for the private gain of a few that put the lives of every ordinary American at risk. And our govt's response? Divert more of our tax revenue, collected more and more from the middle class, to the military and the agency most responsible for pursuing those policies at the expense of the domestic programs we really want so that we can continue to pursue them more vigorously and effectively. God help us, because we don't seem able to help ourselves.

Posted by: lonesomeG at March 31, 2004 09:11 AM

I thought they were not supposed to be in the same place together, as a precaution against a terrorist attack. That's why they keep Cheney chained up in a cave unless Bush is off clearing brush. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe I read that Bush was "on vacation" 43% of the time between January and 9/11.

Great writing, Billmon. Has great promise as a screenplay. I wanna do the casting for it.

Posted by: CJW at March 31, 2004 09:15 AM

tgs:
You beat me to it, and got the link to work. BTW, the next to last paragragh in my post should be in italics as it was copied from Christison's article.

Posted by: lonesomeG at March 31, 2004 09:17 AM

Just one piece of appreciative, constructive criticism?
Ease up on the adverbials.
Don't flame me...

Posted by: at March 31, 2004 09:23 AM

Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, did not CIA Director Tenet brief you every day pre-9/11, and did not those briefings contain warnings about the gathering and serious Al Qaeda threat level? If so, how could you later state to Bob Woodward that you felt no sense of "urgency"?

Posted by: Bob H at March 31, 2004 09:33 AM

Your work, Mr. Bill, is elegant and brilliant as usual but this time I find it profoundly depressing. America had so much to offer the world but now, addicted to comfort and pleasure and with its leadership class obsessed with the pursuit of wealth, it gradually morphs into the military phase of a declining empire.

Terrorist attacks and preemptive wars will cycle together in a mad dance of mutual destruction. America once the land of the free and the home of the brave will be known as the place of pain and the region of the lie. Its poor and sick will be be sacrificed to the needs of the super rich and its young men and women will be offered up on the altar of imperial ambition. Its politicians have lost all honor and its malice toward other nations is seemingly unbounded.

I feel like I am living in the heart of a tragedy. Poor me, poor all of us, poor planet.

Posted by: Dongi at March 31, 2004 09:36 AM

That was utterly depressing. While I appreciate your brilliant skills at parody, it's just a little too close to the truth. The utter contempt they show the american public is just breath taking.

Seriously, where's the rapture when you need it?

I think I need to go take some vitamins and not read about this stuff for a few hours.

Posted by: four legs good at March 31, 2004 09:51 AM

The fix is in. Condi testifies publicly, but in a manner that gives her the last word with no subsequent witnesses to challenge what she says. So she's perjury-proof, and they can go around spouting off the talking points (as Karen Hughes did today) that this is what the administration wanted to do all along, "get the truth out." The boy king's testimony is chaperoned by the grand vizier, and with so many restrictions that nothing useful will come of it, but they will appear in photo ops afterward, publicly claiming that they have 'set the record straight.'

The Hutton Commission (oops, I mean Zelikow Commission) has the buckets of white paint ready to go.

We need to call in the big guns: the 9/11 families. But I'll give you 10-1 odds that somehow, miraculously, some reason will be found why they can't be allowed to attend Condi's session; instead the gallery will be packed with handpicked shills.

We had a good week, but the counter-attack has begun. Vigilance, everyone.

Posted by: the exile at March 31, 2004 10:08 AM

I think this is clearly a way to keep Cheney from spouting of Mylroian fantasies...

Posted by: praktike at March 31, 2004 10:13 AM

Too funny! Why wasn't Thompson sharing his porn with Lehman?

Posted by: Hoosiercat at March 31, 2004 10:29 AM

Ok the question i have heard NOONE ask is why does the President and VP HAVE to testify together ..
what is the official reasoning behind this according to the White House?
See to me the democrats (HELLO WHERE ARE YOU?) can make an issue out of this.
The White House is getting away with this.
In my logic the President offered 60 minutes in front of the commission and if Cheney and Bush are their together then in reality the commission is going to have less than 60 minutes to actually question the White House

Posted by: smartone at March 31, 2004 10:30 AM

We need to call in the big guns: the 9/11 families. But I'll give you 10-1 odds that somehow, miraculously, some reason will be found why they can't be allowed to attend Condi's session; instead the gallery will be packed with handpicked shills.

That hope evaporated for me when I saw one of the family members (father of a Cantor trader) on both hardball and the today show saying how great he thinks chimpy is and how awful that fella Clarke is.

Posted by: four legs good at March 31, 2004 10:30 AM

Let me add my applause to the rest.

As for Monty Python, yeah, the Dead Parrot sketch, but it's also vaguely reminiscent of the Argument Clinic, too.

Actually -- and I know it dates me -- this reminds me of nothing so much as Philip Roth's satire of the Nixon White House, Our Gang.

Regardless, great stuff, Billmon!

Posted by: prof fate at March 31, 2004 10:33 AM

I'm sure the defenders of Bush's sick WMD jokes will find this Billmon skit disrespectful of the pResident and his ventriloquist, which is just the way it should be.

Posted by: mike in pr at March 31, 2004 10:52 AM

What a send-up! Billmon, you've got a future in comedy (except this is too close to reality to be complete parody).

Four Legs Good, I saw the same program (Hardball) you did and I had the same reaction. Gawd, losing one's own children is still not enough to break Chimpy's spell on many people. I'm convinced that some alien force is slipping pods into our houses while we sleep and turning us into obedient, robotic copies of our former selves.

Posted by: Mushinronsha at March 31, 2004 10:57 AM

This just goes to prove that liberals have no sense of humor. Every real American knows that humor involves making fun of minorities.

Posted by: Rush Limbaugh at March 31, 2004 10:59 AM

This is reminiscent of the great play, MacBird, about lyndon johnson as macbeth... by barbara garson
http://www.brumm.com/MacBird/

Posted by: Doug Carmichael at March 31, 2004 11:14 AM

I only realized it was a skit when the bush character didn't lead off with "now that's a trick question..."

As for the mentions of Monty Python in this thread, perhaps if Billmon were to arm the front w/ the world's funniest joke & deadly joke, we might yet win!

Posted by: b at March 31, 2004 11:23 AM

Billmon,

Best job since this one! I bow deeply in your direction.

CJW expressed one of the first thoughts I had. When are these two ever seen together?

Posted by: OkieByAccident at March 31, 2004 11:50 AM

Very clever satire! We here in the Bay Area used to have a columnist, named Art Hoppe, who wrote for the San Francisco Chronicle, who died some years ago. We miss his satire a lot - especially during these ridiculous years of Bush.
This morning, you substituted for him brilliantly. Thanks.

Posted by: Dorothy M. Ligon at March 31, 2004 12:17 PM

A great parody except it is too close to reality. The Commission will never ask Bush II and VP Cheney. Are we in a Holy War in the Middle East? How do you plan to win the Holy War?

The link mentioned above to CounterPunch.org has an article by William S Lind The Battle That Wasn't about the Pakistani Army offensive in the tribal territories that has quietly fizzled out. I know I won’t be safer when the fundamentalist Islamic forces over throw Pakistan President Musharraf and have their fingers on nuclear weapons.

Posted by: Jim S at March 31, 2004 12:20 PM

Another Triumph![/Llewelyn Sinclair]

Posted by: flatulus at March 31, 2004 12:30 PM

Billmon, I enjoy z comedy but can we keep it to an economists
edge and not a SNL skit. You want me to pass on your website to others keep it sharp. 2am posts suggest you got some beers in yer and you gonna be a comedian.

Posted by: Jameson at March 31, 2004 01:05 PM

Tangental thought: Condi's on the cover of Time, with the caption, "FEELING THE HEAT".

There's a possible explination as to why Clarke hasn't hurt Bush as much as we thought; Condi's the one taking all the damage.

Posted by: kenlac at March 31, 2004 01:34 PM

Actually a slightly more accruate way of putting it would be to say that Condi's absorbing all the damage for Bush.

Posted by: kenlac at March 31, 2004 01:36 PM

Whoops! Gang, sorry, I meant to put my last two posts on the "Follow the Bouncing Polls" thread. Mea Culpa.

Posted by: kenlac at March 31, 2004 01:41 PM

I enjoy z comedy but can we keep it to an economists
edge and not a SNL skit. You want me to pass on your website to others keep it sharp.

I dunno, maybe you're just being ironic and I'm too dense to get it. But if you're serious, Jameson, let me just state for the record that I don't give a flying fuck whether you pass my website on to others.

Posted by: Billmon at March 31, 2004 01:47 PM

A doff of my chapeau, Billmon.

And if the economists can't take a joke, then fuck 'em!

Posted by: glenstonecottage at March 31, 2004 02:46 PM

Billmon, such language!!

And an excellent piece of satire. Thanks, because that is exactly how I imagine it going down, though maybe w/o all of those questions...

Posted by: rick at March 31, 2004 03:11 PM

Why does Billmon hate America??

Posted by: John Lotts Calculator at March 31, 2004 05:10 PM

IANAE, but... maybe there's room here for a sober discussion of the utility of a "Flying", as opposed to a "Non-Flying" ("grounded"?), fuck.

And what's the marginal utility to someone who already is a humorless fuck?

This is so counterintuitive, it *must* be Economics.

Posted by: tripsarecopsem at March 31, 2004 05:39 PM

This is great stuff. I burst out laughing several times.

Y'know, I just read a chapter of Larry Lessig's new book, as part of the distributed read-a-thon going on for that. We, the denizens of this bar, could do this as a skit. If we get enough people together to do the readings, I volunteer to edit the audio.

My own voice is pretty much standard California, so I'm not sure which role is best for me. But Ben's is certainly one of the juiciest, so dibs on that.

Posted by: Raph Levien at March 31, 2004 05:56 PM

I can only hope that the Dems on the panel are prepared for what is going to take place. Bush/Cheney's main defense will be their (correct) assertion that they were just a short time away from attacking the Taliban when 9/11 occured. While this may sound like a plus in their column, nothing could be further from the truth.

The war on the Taliban was initiated due to their unwillingness to accept an oil pipeline going through Afghanistan, triggering the "carpet of bombs" they'd been threatened with. If reference to this (coming from the Dems) isn't pounded on, I for one will become completely cynical about politics. One has to wonder, in the absence of 9/11, how was this war going to be justified? I can only hope that when Bush/Cheney react with theatrical outrage at the suggestion that they might've allowed the precipitation of 9/11, that the Dems will respond with real and unrelenting rage.

I expect to be disappointed.

Posted by: Thurber Hamm at March 31, 2004 09:04 PM

Masterpiece.

Posted by: James Fellers at March 31, 2004 11:18 PM

Don't waste your (considerable) gifts as a writer on imaginary conversations (or imaginary memos, etc.). We don't have time for them, and if you go on this way you'll end up like Maureen Dowd. "A Fan"

Posted by: Nancy Irving at March 31, 2004 11:37 PM

Thanks for the satire. Do it again soon.

Posted by: Jerry at April 1, 2004 12:52 AM

Perfection. Thank you, Billmon. And, setting aside the aerodynamics of the flying fuck, I have forwarded this to many people. It's my way of bringing a little sunshine into our dreary lives.

P.S. It's Friday afternoon -- have the Bushie's dropped their weekly load yet?

Posted by: Lisa at April 2, 2004 06:59 PM

Bush: I'm going to have to think real hard about that one, Ben.

Ben-Veniste: My name's Richard.

billmon, this is the cherry on top of your genius sundae.

Posted by: n69n at April 3, 2004 11:31 AM

Great piece. I enjoyed the humor at a time that seems very black.

I have a great frustration over all the lies and half truths put out by the Bush admin., GW, Dick c., Greenspan and many others. Not so much at these people but at our main stream press who don't challeng this bull shit.

We have maybe an anemic economic recovery and are another 100 billion in debt each month. None of the main stream media ever mentions the huge cost of GW trying to get reelected.

Where are our independant reporters.

thanks
riley

Posted by: Riley Thorp at April 3, 2004 03:08 PM
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