Do not, if you are presented with a noisome stain which offends your eye in the bottom corner of the shower stall of the house you are trying to sell, and which therefore you desire to remove before the morning brings strangers to muck about in your closets and hmmph and tsk at your habits, attempt to do so with a combination of Super Strong Mildew Fresh With Stain-removing Chlorine Bleach, and subsequently (due mainly to impatience) Softscrub with Clorox and Some Weird Squirty Smelly Stuff in a Bottle Which Seems To Be Dutch Cleaner, Which You Brought Back From The Netherlands When You Moved in And Started Husbandry On That Particular Mildew Strain Seven Years Ago, and which Might Be Window or Perhaps Oven Cleaner, But Dammit You Have Packed Or Perhaps Sold the Dutch-English Dictionary.

Perhaps the last one is the key element to avoid. Well, actually, no… the key element to avoid is chlorine gas.

Well, yesterday I spoke with one of the builders of the house we’re negotiating for. Amazing how quickly our carefully-crafted hypotheses about the world and interpersonal dynamics can be shattered and remade.

With regards to the Buyers’ Agents and Sellers’ Agent, the Sellers and even us, I suspect now I that I have misjudged many aspects of the situation. None of the facts of the matter have changed, of course — simply how we interpret them in light of new information.

This is what they call cognitive dissonance. How disconcerting it can be.

Subtle but rather leading comments by the Buyers’ Agents to the effect that, “You know, dealing with a builder is very different from dealing with an individual owner-seller,” just slipped right through our filters. Unlike a normal seller, they’re not moving off to a new job and a brighter future; they can wait to sell it to anybody they want. Thus, they start from a strong position in the negotiations, or at least they always assume and act as if they do.

I begin to think we should have listened to the Buyers’ Agents.

No surprise that they respond to somebody trying to negotiate terms with impatience and disdain.

Subtle but rather leading hints that the people crafting the increasingly confrontational addenda to the contract were the Builders (and not the Sellers’ Agent) just slipped right through our filters. The Sellers’ Agent, I am told, has been the one who has been smoothing over the ruffled feathers of the Sellers.

I begin to think we should have listened to the Sellers’ Agent.

Our folks (the Buyers’ Agents) have to deal with intransigence and inexperience. Their folks (the Sellers’ Agent) have to deal with intransigence and ruthless business sense. Consider, for example, this fragment of a telephone conversation:

Bill: Well, Jim, we had a chance to go out there with Glenn Miller. Nice man.

Jim: I think I had a chance to work with him on a project years ago.

Bill: Well, we had a look at the things that were bothering us, and for the most part he said there really wasn’t much to worry about.

Jim: That’s what we’ve been saying all along. All you need to do is look into our reputation.

Bill: Yes, it’s a great reputation. The only thing that seems to be a major issue is the water bubbling up around the well. Glenn—

Jim: Yeah, the Health Department have already been out to see it, and we’re going to put a drainage tile around it to drain the excess water off into a ditch. That’ll clear it up fine. But there’s never been any problems with that well. I remember when we were working on the site, we had a pipe sticking up from it, and I’d go over to it to have a drink. Pleased as punch to hit a flowing well like that.

Bill: Yes, well… [Glenn Miller, when first informed that the well was a flowing well, was heard to sonorously utter “Hoe-lee shit,” and upon seeing the well itself he shook his head woefully. To avoid serious health risks, the well will have to be re-grouted. That will cost $2k or so, because it’s a flowing well — in this case that seems to mean that if you stuck a pipe into the top of the well and let it fill with water, the static head would be 4 feet high above the ground. Imagine trying to pour concrete in a fountain. Tricky. But Bill hadn’t read the official report at the point the conversation took place, so…] I’m not sure that Glenn’s report will recommend that, so I’d like to ask that you hold off on the drainage tile thing. We’re not professional well people, so I just want to make sure it gets done right.

Jim: Look, there’s never been a thing wrong with that well. The people who dug it are some of the best.

Bill: Yes, I’m sure they are. We’ll have Glenn’s report on Monday and have a look at what it says, OK?

Jim: Hey, by the way, have you got your house listed for sale, yet?

There was a good deal more. What we’re dealing with, here, is exactly what the Buyers’ Agents and Sellers’ Agent have been trying to protect us from all along: An unswerving force (the Toziers) meeting an immovable object (the Sellers).

I wonder how long they will be able to stave off the crash?

Never having met a geologist who was not a professor is not the only reason I want to meet Mr. Miller. When we chatted a while back about having him come over to the new not-quite-our-house to look at the spring(s), I asked him a bit about himself. One of the first jet pilots. Trained pilots for the Korean war. Played the trombone. Owned a well and drilling company until the 1960s, when the margins disappeared. Since then he’s been helping sand and gravel companies avoid stupid mistakes, remediate those that arise, and also helping residential home-builders like us ruin the serenity of the lakeshores and wetlands of our fine state by building on difficult damp spots — just the sort of thing we need on the case.

I like him already.

[Update: Also among Mr. Miller’s anecdotes heard while we were driving out to the house together, he was the first to note bacterial metabolism of hydrocarbon pollutants in groundwater in a Cape Canaveral consulting project many years back, and also the first use of LANDSAT foliage spectra to predict the soil characteristics (for obtaining construction sand for Interstate 10 between Houston and New Orleans, where useful sand was considered scant). Truly an interesting fellow.]

[not substantially changed from reality]

The Players:

• The Toziers, Bill and Barbara, who are seeking to purchase a particular house in the country, and who have a minor concern regarding some water they have found in the back yard
• The Sellers, Jack and Jim, who have built said house in the country, on spec, and whose reputation is extremely good, and who to all appearances seem fair businessmen
• The Supervisor, Joe, Jim’s brother and the man who knows everything that actually is going on at the site
• The Buyers’ Agents, who are a team of several different people who collectively represent the interests of the Toziers during negotiation of the contract by which the house in the country may be bought
• The Sellers’ Agent, an individual representing the interests of the Sellers during negotiation of the contract by which the house in the country may be sold

Toziers: Could we have somebody please look at these two big puddles in the back yard, right next to the well and the sill drain outlet? We just want to know if they’re ground water or springs or what. Not a big worry, but we really just want to know about it because we’re utterly ignorant about whether they represent an issue with the house.

The Buyers’ Agents: Sellers’ Agent, the Toziers want to know what you’re going to do about the water problems.

The Sellers’ Agent: Buyers’ Agents, there are no water problems! It is a wet year! No need to bother the Sellers with such trivia. I will therefore cross off this item from your list for our mutual convenience.

The Buyers’ Agents: Toziers, the Sellers’ Agents say, “What water?”

Toziers: Ummm.. the water, which is welling up from the ground. Around the well head and the sill drain. You really can’t miss it. We all actually stepped in it when we were there at the site last time. Maybe what we should do is include a contingency with our offer stating that we want a detailed site plan that shows the location of the house on the property, so we can show that to an engineer or something. Just a plan.

The Buyers’ Agents: Sellers’ Agent, the Toziers will be pleased to buy the house, given that they would like to walk with the builders in person and point out a punchlist of minor items needing to be repaired, and given a site plan.

The Sellers’ Agent: OK. They say fine.

The Buyers’ Agents: Toziers, they said fine! Congratulations. Start selling your house now!

Toziers Great. Now, let’s deal with that water thing. Can we have the site plan now?

The Buyers’ Agents: Yes, here, the Sellers’ Agent faxed us this one-page sketch that shows a blob where a house with a different floorplan was proposed to be sited some years ago, and approximate boundaries of the property. Will that do?

Toziers: Well… no. And we’re not actually sure why you would think that it could. We specifically stated to you folks that we were requesting a site plan showing enough detail, including the house’s siting and the topography around the house, that we could show the plan to an expert and have them sign off on the water. The point of the site plan was that we wouldn’t have to mention the flowing groundwater as an explicit contingency, according to your advice. Hang on… when you said “site plan” in the offer, did you make it very clear that what we needed would have a specified level of detail? Oh, dear… you didn’t, did you? [they sigh] OK. Tell them that this is unsatisfactory and that we need a plan in sufficient detail to settle our water concerns, or if not that we need to do something else about it. The water is probably nothing, but we are ignorant and therefore want somebody to sign off on it for us.

The Buyers’ Agents: Sellers’ Agent, the Toziers are concerned about the water around the well head. Is there a problem with the well?

The Sellers’ Agent: The well passed inspection months ago. We have the document here, and if we get past these ridiculous trivialities, we will provide a copy for you. Why are you pestering us? When will you be buying the house?

The Buyers’ Agents: Toziers, the Sellers’ Agent says that there is no water around the well. But we were there with you last time, and we saw it too. What an obstructionist the Sellers’ Agent is, eh? But, that said, is it that important?

Toziers: Look, can we just get together with them all and go there and see it? All we want to do is have somebody—an engineer or a geologist or somebody—look at it and tell us whether the water flowing up around the well head and the sill drain are a problem. It’s not complicated, is it? Water, problem, quick yes or no, and we’re done. What do The Sellers say about it?

The Buyers’ Agents: We don’t think the Sellers have heard about it, yet.

Toziers: OK, I guess we’ll just have to bring it up when we meet them face to face at the house to create the punch list of items to be repaired.

some days later, at the house…

Toziers: Hello, Jack and Jim. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

[The Toziers are unaware that “Jim” is in fact Joe. This is not made clear by any of the Sellers’ party.]

The Sellers: And a pleasure to meet you, Toziers. Why have we all been summoned here?

Toziers [seeing blank look on the face of The Sellers and The Sellers’ Agent] Well, there are some minor things we wanted to clear up — cracks in the grout and minor settling stuff that is to be expected over the first few months of a house’s life — and we thought it would be expeditious to talk directly. Here are a few minor concerns, mostly just cosmetic items.

The Sellers: Well, while recalcitrant to do anything that requires serious effort, we will be happy to polish and finish everything on your list. We would have to do that anyway, if the deal were to fall through and we were to list the house for sale again. Is there something else?

Toziers: Well, the site plan. Have you perhaps brought it along? This little squiggle isn’t sufficient, of course, because as we communicated in detail to our Buyers’ Agents and thereby to your Sellers’ Agent, we would need sufficient topographic detail and the house’s footprint and elevations so that we could show the plan to an engineer or other person skilled enough to sign off on the water flowing in the back yard.

The Sellers’ Agent: Well, frankly there is no such thing in the world. Such a plan would include an unreasonable degree of detail, and would surely be very costly — what we have provided in our fax is the site plan. Therefore, having acceded to the stated wording of the contingency while disregarding all that extraneous and non-binding verbal explanation of social context, we will not be providing any other plans. Was there anything else?

Toziers: Well, yes, the water itself, then.

The Sellers: Water? What water?

later, in the back yard by the well head

Bill: See, Jim, this puddle here? Is that something we need to worry about?

“Jim” [actually Joe]: Well, what happened is this: When we drilled the well there were no problems. Several months passed, and then of a sudden this water started to appear around the well head. I think it is a spring or other layer of groundwater, which was struck when the well was dug during the dry years we have recently experienced.

Bill: I see the wisdom in your hypothesis, and find it persuasive. Do you think there might be a problem?

“Jim” [actually Joe]: I doubt it very much, but of course if there is we will be happy to fix it. But the well has passed inspection, and you will note that we are standing some distance below the elevation of the house’s foundation. Surely we did not strike the same water flow when we dug the house.

Bill: I am relieved. It is a pleasure to speak with you directly on the matter.

“Jim” [actually Joe]: Was there something else?

Bill: Walk with me to the sill drain. Do you see the water welling up around it, much as it was over there on the other side of the house?

“Jim” [actually Joe]: Yes, this drainage tile was placed to bring water away from the foundation of the house, which is a standard prophylactic measure with all of our fine houses to avoid unforeseen future problems. We noted no water in the sill drain trenches when we built them, nor did any water flow here until recently. Like as not we struck the same layer of groundwater as we did at the well head when we dug this trench. But surely there is no problem, since we are many paces from the house.

Bill: Yes, I see this, but we seem to be standing, this time, higher than the elevation of the floor of the house, and the puddle surrounding the drain pipe covers the mouth. I hesitate to guess whether the layer of groundwater we see here is flowing out from the sill drain, or we have another spring here. If a spring, I am concerned that you might have struck the same layer when digging the basement, but did so during the dry years we have recently experienced. Also, you might note that while the well head is on the right side of the house, this drain is on the left side of the house, implying to my untrained mind that they may represent a larger body of water pressing against the house itself, which lies in the middle. I am sure this would be practically unthinkable, but as an ignorant city slicker, I would just like to discuss it long enough to argue the possibility away. Insofar as it is now a wet year, might we have somebody skilled in such matters look at this?

“Jim” [actually Joe]: I’m not sure who one would have look at it.

Bill: I would think perhaps a civil engineer or geologist would be appropriate. We will be happy to arrange to get them here, at our expense, simply to tell us not to worry. We like this place a great deal, and also you and Jack, whose reputation is excellent and who seem to be very high-quality builders, and friendly fellows as well. We would very much like to live here.

“Jim” [actually Joe]: [nods]

after another week…

The Toziers: Buyers’ Agents, we have added text to the contract to the effect that we will have a professional look at the water coming up from the ground in the back yard of the house. because of our relative ignorance of such things, our purchase of the house is contingent upon this being cleared up and explained by somebody who understands ground water and drainage and such. Is that clear?

The Buyers’ Agents: Yes. I just got off the phone with the Sellers’ Agent, who made it clear that the well has passed inspection, and therefore she can’t understand why you’re being such nitpicking fools about it.

The Toziers: Look, when Bill talked with Jim, it all seemed straightforward. All we need to do is have somebody like the Sanitarian or a geologist go out there and look at it and tell us it’s all right.

The Buyers’ Agents: Sellers’ Agent, the Toziers are still worried about the water. It’s no big deal, but they want to be certain it’s not a problem.

The Sellers’ Agent: Sorry? What water problem? Look, we already said we would re-do the grade in the yards.

The Buyers’ Agents: Sellers’ Agent, they mean the water around the well.

The Sellers’ Agent: The well has passed inspection, months ago. We have the documents here, and if we can just get past this ridiculous sticking point we will provide them happily. When will they be buying the house??

The Buyers’ Agents: Toziers, they still don’t think there’s a problem.

Toziers: But we stood there and talked with Jim about it.

The Buyers’ Agents: Well, Jim isn’t hearing in this conversation, is he. You talk to us, and we talk to The Sellers’ Agent, and typically we work it out for you. On your behalf. Tell us again what this water problem is? What was that about the sill drain you were saying? Is the basement wet?

Toziers: No, here, let me draw you a picture. [draws picture] See? There is water near the well and the sill drain. Jim said they might have struck a spring when they dug them. We just want to know what that means to the house in the long term.

The Buyers’ Agents: Oooh! I see. OK — Sellers’ Agent, the Toziers are asking again about the water near the well, and the sill drain too.

The Sellers’ Agent: The Sellers are addressing the water around the well. What the hell is this about the sill drain?! Haven’t you told your Buyers that they’re not allowed to add new contingencies to the list this late in the game? Nobody ever said anything to me about the sill drain. This is ridiculous and unreasonable. I am going to cross this whole thing off the page, and at this rate I will advise my clients to kill the deal because your Buyers are being so unreasonable. When are they going to buy the house???

The Buyers’ Agents: Toziers, it doesn’t look good. The Sellers’ Agent made it sound like she was about to cancel the whole thing over this. We don’t know what to tell you to do… but is this really that important?

Toziers: It didn’t start off that way, no.

To be continued…

…when he said I didn’t want to hear it.

It doesn’t seem to be a good sign, after paying somebody 50% more than they originally estimated it would cost to fix your house up, that it looks worse as a result.

Well, perhaps not “worse” as such. How about unfinished in a different way?

We bought a “fixer-upper” several years ago when we moved into this house. Now we’re selling it, and our open-ended schedule of fixing it up is coming to an abrupt close — the sort involving a bunch of nice guys pounding on it with hammers, and prodding it where it looks squishy, and shaking their heads and generally making it nicer than it has been the whole time we’ve lived here.

But I’m resigned to that. It’s the way these things go. It’s the extras I’m unhappy with right this sec.

The fellow up over my head at the moment can be heard to mutter (roughly) “Good Lord, what did these idiots do?” This is not in reference to us, rather but the people we bought from. Or maybe the people before them. Something about soffits and siding and conventional nails. It doesn’t look good.

See, all of the previous owners of this house were apparently “handy”, not in the sense of people who watch a lot of HGTV and therefore have some idea of how stuff is supposed to go and when to call a professional, but more along the lines of some guys with a hammer and some old wood layin’ around and way too much spare time on their hands.

One of the previous inhabitants of the house was a 16-year-old who with his brother framed and “finished ” (to use the term loosely) our guest room. It’s his handiwork that fellow with the hammer up over my head is swearing about. That same once-kid came by a few months back with his own children. He’s now a balding man about ten years older than me, armed with a smile and fond remembrance of his childhood home. Today I am reminded that while we were chatting he asked, “Hey, did anybody ever refinish that old addition we put up over the garage? You know, me and my brother built that whole thing. Heh, we didn’t know what we were doing. I can’t even believe it passed inspection. It’s been re-done, right?”

Today it has, yes. Much to my surprise.