Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Savannah *hug*'s LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
8:37 pm	songs of innocence play a sour tune. and i cant handle being neglected. and i cant handle being ignored. but its ok. i cry because i'm lazy, its too much work not to. peopledontknowhowtheyhurtme softball game today. lost 19-15. i sat the bench. i honestly thought i'd play this year. mom walked in the house. had to wipe tears off face. cant let her see me. she'll bitch at me. i dreamt i went back there. dreamt i went back to my home. relived it all. jeffy took me back there in my dream. but i really want someone to drive me there. *woke up* thought about how i miss innocence. ((iwasneverinnocent)). remembered watching the fireworks. the ice cream cones. the gasoline smell and the chug-a-lug-chug of the boat. relived the smells, the breeze and the grass. i want to go back. avoid my father at all costs. but i want to be there. thought about leaving my dad a note that i was there and telling him i was there. telling him what he's done. he's such a self-absorbed basturd. he'd be too drunk to read it. someone take me there. mle called. scott bought $80 worth of candy. i smell english muffins. wants food. chills. wears red polyester pants. doesntwant to be pushed around. cant speak, never could. too much homework, too little knowledge. susan came home. homophobes dont piss me off..they make me cry. when people yell at me i dont yell back, i cry. hates it when people talk about food. about the calories and amount and such. if you're on a diet, go on a diet i dont wann hear it. and if you're trying to starve yourself then dont talk about not eating, get some help. and why do people think not eating will make them thin? just get off your ass and move, and eat right. i wish people would just accept themselves. irritation. i want to be alone. foralongtime. wants own universe. made up people. fun shelves and hiding places in a treefort. doesnt like it when people deny thier inner child. why do people deny watching nickelodeon? why isnt it accepted to be..well..me? english teacher told me i smoked pot. ((forth time)) i dont. fails. fails. i'llbesorrysomeday. is it possible to fit in and be yourself. niaveness pisses me off. lame. lame. carr yelled at me for not wearing white socks. told her i dont wear white socks. refuses to wear white socks. ihatecarr. 205minutes of her tomorrow. ihatewhenpeoplespelltomorrowincorrectly. jeffy cant spell. laura said we like people similar to our fathers. jeffy is my dad 36 years ago. 'cept jeffys more whineyer. i dont blame the kid. if i had that many issues i'd whine too. we stole signs from vix. and i shoved candy in my bra. and he liked me then, and he was fun then too. that subject consumes my life. needs to stop. michael imed me. he told me not to cry. he told me not to cry! i do love that boi ((yes susans michaek)) meghan imed me to ask me if i was ok.. we havent talked in forever. i wont cry for michael, he made me smile. smells like english muffins. remembers when she was funny. when she giggled and smiled and never shut up. i'm too lazy not to cry. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: this is where the sidewalk ends- lyndsay diaries (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 21st, 2002
10:43 pm	catching up wow, i've fixed some things.. at least bandaided some for the moment. i talked to chris today, i know the only reason he imed me was to get a message through to banker.. but i appologized to him for everything... it's almost all good now!! he can make me *smile* jeffy imed me.. we talked, he asked to sit with me in lunch because he's coming back to school.. he said he was sorry.. and we talked about back in the day.. *sigh*... we might be on the verge of a healthy friendship! thats right! ((prolly not, but it's getting better)). banker and i are all peas and carrots now.. i think.. he seems ok with the whole *just be friends* thing.. it was just uncomfortable.. i caught up with k8lyn this week, we went to the wings game and it was just like old times. OBBFC...heh heh. K8 and i chilled this week which made me happy to the max... ((i miss the spendingeverysecondwithk8nesssomuch)) we set my room on fire today.. eeee heheee yep.. ahahaa we boiled rice.. and made it green... and i had to all the fans on.. and the windows open..and the smoke was EVERYWHERE. ee heee hee... and then then then!!! we went exploring you see... it's fun. you can tell we want to be little.. so we ended up walking to burger king..and there was some white trash to the max in the parking lot.. omg .. this beefy, smoking, mullet-headed, 8-child bearing, sports-bra-for-a-shirt, wrangler jean wearing women was in one car and her accomplice in the next.. they were honking causing a hopefully drunken ruckus, yelling "honk if you're HORNY!" and then she got outta the car and mooned us!!!! as god as my witness.. k8 and i ran..and in fear of being force to mate with our siblings croutched behind cars in the hoselton lot.. (((heheheheheheeee))) it was wonderful. i perpetually miss k8. i really do. lorien called me today!!!!! that makes me really happy!!!!! she's doing better! that makes me happy to the max, its does! i misssssssss her. she got a lip ring.. so she says she cant kiss anyone.. ((i thought lip rings are for.. *pleasure* heheehe)) i talked to krist this week.. i called her wednesday and she called me tonight. she really does kick ass! *smile* too bad she was sick all week *sigh* but...we have fun talking about certain english teachers demise.. i slept over at louises and went to a show with her..like the old norm yo. we walked to the VOA and to record archive.. and chilled with my eye doctor at the show..hehe. and i went to a semi-jerabek sleepover ((me, mo, marieke)) an no one cried, johnny caught us dancing on the pool deck.. ehehehhh.. heather was a bitch, and we got hit on by men looking for prostitutes and chased by a mohawk dan reincarnate of a wolf/horse. haha i was driving bitch for ally and mle thursday.. they made mommmy and i nummy cupcakes. i misssss susan, but shes coming home sooon. *core* ((she sent me petty cards from europe)) i'm okay, i am. i can smile. and i'm not crying. its bed time, school tomorrow. wish me luck.. Current Mood: content Current Music: ROLL OUT! (Comment on this)
5:22 am	down with the letters, they're too cool for us. I'M BOYCOTTING CAPITAL LETTERS. fuck them. they think they're all cool. well i've had enough, this is the last straw. yea yea! fuck you capital letters, i'll get my emphasis some other way. likenotusiingspaces. and what the fuck is with capitalizing 'I' fuck that,we dont capitalize We, or You, or Her, or Boy, or Your Mom. this is crap. *MAYBE i SHOULD WRiTE LiKE THiS* just to piss the fuck outta teachers and the like. and this whole ~boycotting caps~ is going to fail me outta english yo. Current Mood: irate Current Music: week long embrace- juliana theory (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:12 am	remember when i was fun? remember when i'd run around and giggle. i was outgoing. i had friends. i was fun. Current Mood: missing Current Music: nine things everybody knows- q and not u (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:18 am	if i update will you love me? ((copies and pastes last 80 entries from opendiary so you will love me)) Current Mood: cold Current Music: Gravel- Ani Difranco (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
5:10 am	please come dive in puddles with me my neighbor is outside barbequing in his underwear i want to run around in spinklers and do cartwheels ((or least try)) i want to throw water balloons. ((smile)) *laugh* i want to swing on the swings and play croquet ((i cheat)) i want to summersault down a big hill and fly a kite. i perpetually want to be a child ((but that wasnt that fun)) so can i safely say i want to have responsiblities and carefreeness of an eight-year-old but have a license at the same time? i want too much meh *Oh can't I touch your cheeks somewhere under dirt filled rainy nights with my socks stuck in the mud? Please come dive in puddles with me.* why did std have to sellout? i'm in need of air, i do believe i will commence a pinic on my roof. ((i'm in also in need of seeing people i missed you all)) Current Mood: in need Current Music: hold- saves the day (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 13th, 2002
5:10 am	lah dah dah dah dah don don. i'm sleepy. i'm going to cleveland tomorrow. i'll be back tuesday night. i called marieke today. we might get to visit lorien. i'd like that. and i want to know what went wrong today.. i'm not supossed to worry but i am. i want to find pretty things. i want to see pretty things. and i need to sleep. i'll get to think this weekend.. more than likely not a wonderful thing but its something needed. i love yous and i'll miss you. call me tuesday (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:07 am	we are made to fight we are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again and turn every scar into a joke. i dont want anything to happen to you. so try and fix it. try and fix it for me. is it selfish for me to want the best for ((you)) and *you* and ::you:: and .you.? i love you. i want to fix it, but you have to realize its broken first. you have to help me order the parts to fix it. lets fix it. i may be bad at fixing puzzles. but if you sort the pieces out for me.. i'll put them together. even if i have to cut the corners to make them click.. i will.. Current Mood: worried Current Music: buildings and bridges- ani (Comment on this)
Friday, April 12th, 2002
5:04 am	what doesnt bend b r e a k s. too bad i'm the most flexible person in the world. alas, that is in literal terms. you know it, i can kiss my elbow. *try* just you try. ok so i lied, its physically impossible to kiss your elbow. physically impossible. so b r e a k me. rubber bands bend. and they break. and they hurt like a bitch when they do so. yea they do. i havent written anything of substance in ages.. ((yea all susan of you that read this)) yea yea "susan" the quantity, thats right. 4/08/02 ani...is beautiful. moi, k8, susan, and marieke were escorted by the wonderful betty. so yea we walked out of the hi i'm $34 for a glass of water restaurant and went to the fun place with lots of food. and the people inside of sheas were beautiful. beautiful i tell you, a sea of tranquilized beauty all in one concert hall. and you cried. and i cried. ((i cried because they wouldnt let you go, i cried because you should been there, i cried because you werent there to make it perfect, loriens glue i tell ya, glue. i cried because i made ((you)) cry, because i hurt you..repeatedly, because i wanted to be with my bestest friend one could have and it wasnt right, i should have sat next to her too, k8 and i are supossed to experience all things wonderful and not so wonderful together, i cried because i was at ANI and crying and i cried because i miss i ache for simplicity)) and we cried. and i felt bad. and i made you cry. and then i made all of you cry. and then people gave us hugs. *thank you* and we decided to smile, because after all.. the epitome of all things truly amazing had stepped out on the stage. she spoke she played she spoke while playing and every moment was pure ingenious.. beautiful. and then she played this one song and i cried. and i made you cry. and i thought of how i fucked up. and how i will fuck things up. so fuck it. i mean i'm sorry i make ((you)) cry. i'm so.. ((out of range)). and i had no more pretty make up on. she played it last. who'd think she would play it at all.. you should be ((sick of me)) i'm astounded by your patience ^all of yours^. it was wonderful. some people are amazing.. they include: ani and my friends. thats right. oh yea.. and richard henry lee and SIX...but well thats a different story. and lorien, we're taking you away we're following anis ever-impressing foot prints and we can be her lesbian groupies, and you being the best lesbian in the world and all.. you win. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: out of range- ani difranco (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 6th, 2002
5:03 am	in your eyes i see the darkness that torments you why you sit there in the dark like that? its creepy.-mom. *so you cant see me cry* ...if it were dark, i could never see you shine... because you light up my heart and i can feel you sparkle. Current Mood: hiding Current Music: into the dark- juliana theory (Comment on this)
5:02 am	change scares me im scared to say things for fear that what is needed to be said is insignificant then next day. i know what i mean. do you? (Comment on this)
5:00 am	incoherence thats right i randomly met sum41 at a baseball game this afternoon. opening day today. and we won. *eyes widen* went to susans last night. k8 and krist were there as well. i was content. troubled inside as always, yet truely content. sat on the green carpet. cut out pretty pictures of pretty girls to hang on my lesbian ceiling. imsocreepy. and i wanted to love you. i wanted to make things perfect. because DONT YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT PERFECT IS? because i do. i just dont know how to get there. i know how it should be. i know how it should be. and sometimes i feel like ((or just am)) living a terrible lie. breaking two hearts in one and just ripping mine in half. i am i am i am.. just THAT CANT BE YOUR FAVORITE WORD. he likes me too much? he likes me too mcuh? ahhh. its too confusing. all i know is that commitment is the last thing i want. because i cant handle liking people. and i dont know what love is anymore. if i dont feel perfect i your arms then its not love ((sav theory)) hypothesis: failed. only .him. did i. well that was crap. and i honestly feel awkward with bois. but maybe its just some girls.. kinda like you and you that are so wonderful. and there is NO cohesion in this entry. and thats ok cause in my own warped conclusion in my mind. and ani is on monday. stadium full of lesbians. and and. i want her to be there. and she needs to be. i miss you lorien. Current Mood: *sigh* Current Music: i miss you- incubus (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 4th, 2002
4:57 am	painstricken insanity painstricken insanity i'm doing it again, i'm doing it again. they are blue. you told me i was beautiful when i cry. i ran over to the mirror. my cheeks are stained blue, my eyes are glossy and my face is squinty and red. ((you were wrong)). and i cant fix it. i dont know how. i just dont. andimneverthere. i sat in the corner of the art room. writing. i couldnt stop writing. incoherent letters, strategically penned in sparatic order. alone. scared/teary-eyed/shivering/worried but content with the situation. a break. she *bolded with fierce vegence grr* ruined it. get to work. what are you doing. if you dont think about your problems they'll go away. why are you here. get your things out. get up. go to your seat. can i help you? let me see. it was painful. i cried. i wheezed. i needed tissues. k8 brought me paper towel. i will never go to an art class without dankert. she would had let me sit there the whole fucking 4 minutes. anger. anger. you scratched your arm. too much. too much. i put my hand on it. where it was bleeding. painful. painful. i took my hand off your arm. attempted to pull your sleeve down. i looked. at my hand. blood. filled with painstricken insanity. i wanted to make it go away. and i didnt even wipe it off. i didnt wipe it off. they made me run. but it was ok. i ran. big strides. i ran from it. from it. i ran from it all. but it was in circles. seven times to be exact. i couldnt breathe. and i couldnt cry. they could see it. they could all see into me. i sat down. i was called over. to be interrogated. to be told to concentrate on school and softball and not my problems. and not my friends. with a weakened shy cracking voice i spoke "i try. i try. i try." i left the gym. stuck my head in the drinking fountain and burst into tears. tears. tears. wiped them away. away. jesse came over and sat next to me. compusively, perpetually i yanked and pulled on my hair, meddled with my fingers and stumbled over my words. you all asked me what was wrong and if i wanted to talk. i talked to her. just like last year. i dont know if you cared. i dont care if you do or not ((it would be wonderful if you did)) she told me she was always there, she wanted to know reasons, she dug deeper and made sure she knew what was going on. she didnt give me advice, she just listened and told me she was there. if you ever just need to get out or talk you know where i live, run right ove i'm here for you i wouldnt, but i wish i could. she gave me a hug. i cried. oh well. i dont feel so disant anymore. i have to go. i haveto go now. i love you. i want to fix it. but i cant. i cant. .bye. Current Mood: .helpless. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
4:54 am	i can always, always be wrong. iwanttogiveyouwhateveryouneed whatisityouneed isitwithinme i want to fix it. mike and katy broke up today. *gasps*. one year five months two days. rememberswhenshewouldhavecared. talked to elizabethandalea last night. beautiful. very. susan had to go early last night. *felt odd not waking up with phone stuck to head*. i worry. my child i want to fix it. iloveyou. i'm scared. i want to be ghandi. i want to sleep. *licks excess fudgcicle off face*. peopleirritateme. k8lyns on the phone. i'm a man in her square dancing square. that makes me win. i want a nap. now my children. sleep calls i. i love you. Current Mood: confused Current Music: d a s h b o a r d (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
4:47 am	I'm dumb, she's a lesbian .mylesbianday. 7:10 am : kinkos ((needed color copy of homophobia project)) : kristen comes over to help us. : mom "tell him what you need" : *gives mom vile glare* : "uhh...her" : *looks at fashionably dykish, cute, young woman that is waiting on us* : ((smiles)) : mom ((whispering and embarassed)) "well she's dressed like a boi, she's got a boi hair cut, kinda sounds like a boi... but then he had bOObs" : *chortles at the lesbianishness of it all* 7:55 am : first period engish with mr ((helen keller what?)) bitt. : *presents homophobia project* : question to present- why does this topic intrest you? : *chokes* : {{wants to spit out 'BECAUSE I LIKE GIRLS'}} : *contains self* 8:20 am : second period engish with mr bitt. : *cutting r a i n b o w ribbon like mad : susans turn to *present* : her topic homophobia : mr. bitt "well i would think that because of the excessive amounts of homosexuals in..." : *operation cap helen* 11:12 am : end of fifth period lunch : *hugging krist* : Jim ((our lunchladyman)) comes over and tells up to break it up ((jokingly)) : ..and i missed most of what he said.. : jim "ohhh that was a girl?" : haha in reference to me : ((just because i'm flat... my hair isnt that short)) : *assumes softball dyke position* 1:55 pm : eight period phys ed. : social dancing : cha-cha : *notices lack of partner* : ((looks at krist with our full intention of lesbonic cha-chas)) : iwastheguy : "men- left foot back, 1, 2, 3-right foot forward.." 2:28 pm : after school : *promenades k8 out of school* : *receives awkward looks, to the extreme* i win. .butistilllikebois. ~if everyone's a little queer can't she be a little straight?~ weezer eh? Current Mood: amused Current Music: pink triangle- weezer (Comment on this)
4:45 am	cuteness drowned in ignorance mr dunn fired<> my mommy. my mommy was the coolest lunch aide in the world and i know you middle school children can vow to that. i wanted to cry for her when she told me today, i can tell she's upset .butshenevershowsemotion. i want mommy to be happy because she never really is. things are mayonaise flavored wart cream. ((sigh)) Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Monday, March 25th, 2002
4:42 am	sanity, it is overrated this shirts too small. these pants too short. my head is sore. my legs are crossed. i'm wearing 23 bracelets.. and thats ((consideribly)) less. mind spinning. ani is playing. ((pulse)) two weeks til ani. dream come true. room full of lesbians. my sweater is to the right of me. marieke's visitor pass is stuck on the front of it. i want to visit her. honestly. marieke said its unbearable there. i could take it, i honestly believe i could take it. i want to visit her. i want to pant my toe nails. there are three light blue star beads on the counter. i took them off the rainbow bracelet susan made for me. school is out. they're at rainbow alliance. i've missed the last 5 meetings or so. imsounreliable. english project due 17 hours. k8s and susans will be wonderful. susan makes wonderful things shessoskilled. i am not. softball practice one hour and thirty minutes. i can not go, nor would i. lots of people are on spring break. i am not. i took a shower. i used lots of conditioner. lots. my back aches. i promise i will work on my project now. i want juice. i want to be fun again. was i fake? i cant diferentiate, does it matter? .later. Current Mood: spacey Current Music: (((pulse)))- ani difranco (Comment on this)
4:39 am	::i'll be alright once my hands get warm:: you made me feel loved today. youre beautiful and i wish i glittered as much as you shimmer in my eyes. my hair. i think i may call banker. he didnt call me last night. my fingers are cold. one week until dashboard. i'm home. coach carr made me cry. mle laughed. i did too. i bit my lip to hide the tears. i dont think my actions succeeded. but alas i am home. reading about gay people. brainwashing myself into forgetting all ways of heterosexalism. its kinda creepy. clea duvall is secksi. i was going to walk down to wegmans and rent but i'm a cheerleader. ((to think kate and i were going to make straight is great tshirts)) there's no shoppers club card in this house and i'm a afraid/hesitant to walk places alone. i'm not clean. i need to wash and i need to work on my project. have i never not bullshitted a project? and i wanted to make this one good. *kicks self* my hair. heh. "coach carr, i'll take my hat of if you dont let me go home" i'd like to hide for the rest my life. but thats hard when you want to be noticed. .he. likes that one girl.. .he. announced it. .he. never announced me. i'm sick of his drug induced love. i'm done with his tranquilized affection. and i want to hold everyone. does that make me caring, or just a slut? .inevermeanttosuck. Current Mood: alone. (Comment on this)
4:37 am	::waiting here with hopes the phone will ring:: it's 11:48. lunch ended at 11:12. no one called. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: saints and sailors- dashboard confessional (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 24th, 2002
4:35 am	hold me tonight. i just wanted to be held. i wanted to be told it was ok. and i wanted to look in your mezmorizing eyes and not cry. and i wanted to be .notsodirty. and i wanted to apologize, even more i wanted not to have to apologize.. i want it to be ok. b u t i d o n t k n o w h o w . so i beg, i plead for this to pass, let things be ((normal)) again. i cant comprehend my mind. i dont know how to process thoughts and my actions. forgive me, even though there is no basis on which i should be forgiven. you dont deserve to be put through my hellishness. you deserve somuchbetter. and i surrender. Current Mood: guilty Current Music: hold me tonight- the anniversary (Comment on this)