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Aziraphale singing |
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The post before this is probably one of the longest I have ever written. That is why I made it a link, this way no one has to read it unless they really want to. There were a few days in there that I want to put out in the open....
Wednesday the 12th- What a fucking day. I had lunch with Linda from the photo lab, Joe and Kelly. We went to this Chinese place called Full Ho. They have great food. Kelly was acting weird and I knew something was up. My intuition kicked in and I realized that things were about to change between us. I knew for a while that she had a difficult situation in her life, but I was giving her the benefit of the doubt when she told me she was okay. After lunch Kelly put me through hell. Emotions were running high and I missed my math class because we were talking. Basically she had a "what if" in her life. The what if came with a lot of history behind it and she didn't want to hurt me because of it. If she would have continued taking things slow with me she was afraid that she would never get over this what if. Of course I was upset and did not understand that at the time. Kelly had to go talk to her friend's sister about a painting job, and I had to go to the end of my class to get the work. After talking to my professor, I went to Karen's since I hadn't seen her in weeks. We spent a few hours talking about everything but what I was going through because I didn't have the energy to talk about it. When I left Karen's I stopped by Rich's for a hug. Emily was there and they were watching "From Hell" the jack the ripper movie. I sat with them for a little while and then Kelly called me and asked to come over. I said okay and left to meet her there. She tried to convince me that she didn't need to worry about the what if because she really wanted to try being with me. I sat there, unresponsive while she went on and on about how the what if could destroy her and she wanted this now. I never said okay to any of it. I just told her that it was hard to trust her and actions speak louder than words. She agreed with me and said she would show me how much she cared. She was all upset so I hugged her and we went to sleep. We were both drained and needed some rest.
Thursday the 13th- Kelly called out of work and stayed at the apartment. Rich was on his way over and Kelly was trying to tell me how I make her feel. I know she really cares about me, but I still didn't feel okay. Rich arrived and we started doing math. That's when the actions spoke much louder than any of her words.... she made a phone call and it changed everything. This girl, her friend, the what if that has this huge history with her said she didn't want to talk to her anymore. How fucked is that. Kelly tried to leave and tell me that she was just sad. I didn't buy it. We started talking and Rich left. I told her this only further reduced my trust in her and that she never should have came back the night before. I understand that her best friend has this hold on her, and Kelly can't get over it if the best friend doesn't let go. And this friend doesn't want to let go, so the only way out is to let it run it's course. The whole time the situation reminded me of things I went through with Christina. I remembered the situation but I didn't recall the feelings it caused until days later. When I finally remembered the emotions I went though I didn't want to be with Kelly anymore, I realized that this was something that takes a long time to get over. And unless she goes with it, she will never be okay.
Monday the 17th- Work.... my back went out on my way into work. It came out of nowhere, I got out of my car and it hurt. It was Christopher's graduation from 8th grade. He doesn't go to school, they send out a teacher to read to him. But they are graduating him. I felt so horrible all day because I couldn't even life Christopher's legs let alone his whole body. Momma helped me until Lauie showed up and then she helped me. I decided to order Kelly flowers while I was at work. I knew she needed some cheering up and I had a feeling she was a flower giver, not a getter. I sent her Stargazer Lilies (because we talked about the band with the same name one night). They also put some purple and blue flowers in the bouquet. The graduation was boring. Every speech was corny, even Momma and Annmarie (Christopher's teacher) thought so. I sat with Kat and we talked. Cliff and Steve came over to sit with us. When Chris was being brought up to get his diploma we all yelled "Yeah Monger!" (his nickname) and Steve yelled "Sexy man" to make him laugh. When we got him my back was really sore. Chris was tired so I put him to bed at 10 and went home.
Wednesday the 19th- The cable guy came and then I went to the Clay college with Rich. Kelly was there, it was very awkward at first. Neither of us knew how to act. I hated it. We joined in a few group conversations and she kept looking at me so I confronted her before I left. I ended up being late for class because I talked to her too long. I was trying to sort through my feelings and it wasn't easy. I ran to class in the rain and called her on my break to ask her to meet me after class. She did. We went to Friendly's for dinner and then just drove. I was headed toward her town so we just went to her house. She showed me all around her town, telling me about people and places, showing me her favorite roads, it was nice. We didn't go into her house, or even get out of the car. I felt like she was letting me into her life. I've become a part of her life, and she's become a part of mine. I was feeling kind of sad and we started talking about how I don't feel like I will ever really be loved. She says that she wishes she could make me believe I will. She said many sweet things to me. When we got back to the apartment she came in. What started out as a simple conversation turned into an all night event. We were up until 4am, but I finally started to put all the pieces in place in my mind. It was late and I didn't want her to drive home since she was exhausted. After 15 minutes of assuring her everything was all right and she should just stay and be safe, we went to sleep. She told me it was hard to lay next to me and not cuddle. That my body is still familiar to her. I have always been affectionate with her, so we cuddled and tried to sleep. Cherie came home around 5:30am. She turned the living room light on and it woke us up. Actually, I think the fact that Kelly's entire body tensed up woke me up. Kelly asked her why she was a bitch and tried to get up, but I had my arms around her and squeezed her tightly. She wanted to get up and tell Cherie that she is a bitch, I didn't think she should. Later that morning Kelly wanted to wake Cherie up on her way out. I dragged her out of the apartment and the door slammed behind us, which made her happy. I went to class to do my speech and Kelly went to work.
Thursday the 20th- I had an epiphany, I can't be alone. I dread it, like the plague. The longest period of time I have been single since I was 17 is 3 months. I jump from relationship to relationship, sometimes blindly. I need to take this time to be alone and enjoy it. If I was with Kelly right now it would be really bad. I have a lot of things to get out of my system before I have a serious relationship. Bottom line- This is neither the time nor the place for the two of us to try anything. However, we agreed that the door will always be open…. I made my persuasive speech on Puppy Mills in class, I shocked some people, and it was fun. After my math class I went to see "The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood" with Rich, Amy and Mike. I loved it, it was very funny. I want to see it again. At this one part Rich and I started laughing and couldn't stop for a few minutes. It's a good thing we weren't sitting together, we never would have stopped. I was next to Amy, who didn't really like the movie. After the movies we went to the Phily diner.
Sunday the 23rd- Allentown Pride! Kelly came with me. I got up early that morning before Kelly arrived and went to get my hair cut. She did a good job and I bought this amazing product called Hair Glue, I love it. My hair didn't move all day, the glue is incredible. Anyway, the ride there was nice, we talked the whole time. When we got there we asked around for Connie, since she is a chairperson. We finally found her and said hello to her and Jolene. I was nervous that I might see Christina, I thought she might get really mad. But I didn't see her all day. I saw one of her ex's though. Kelly and I went to the House of Chen for lunch. It was nice, as usual. I started getting a little weird, but I was fine when we left the place. I got lost on the way back because I missed a turn. Mary called (she lives there) and she didn't even know where I was. She invited me to a piano bar and I said I'd call her later. I found my way back to the pride fest and Jolene was gone. We sat in the shade and watched the performers. Kelly asked if she could lay back against me, I teased her for a few minutes, and then let her. We're close, and affectionate, it's cool that we can be like that. After a while I decided to try to stick a blade of grass up her nose. She of course protested. I tried her ears too, she couldn't cover them all at once. It was funny, we were both laughing. After that we left. We said bye to Connie and she gave us some water, she is so nice. I was kind of disappointed that Jolene left, since she was the reason I went, she invited me. Connie invited me too, but I hang out with Jolene more. I was insanely hyper on the ride home. I called some people and left messages. Kelly was beat so she laid back and rested. That didn't last long though, because I was too hyper. We talked and I goofed around. When we got back she came in for a little while. I walked her to her truck, we talked a little, she kissed me on the cheek, we hugged a bunch of times and she left. I called Emily and invited her to the Piano bar. Rich and Mike stopped by so that Rich could look at my math. He helped me and then Emily and I left to meet Mary and her friends. The piano bar was fun. I was only going to have one drink. When I finished it Mary bought me another, I felt bad. Then there was a crack in the glass that I noticed when I finished it. I told the bartender and he gave me a free one. Needless to say I was a wee bit tipsy. Especially since the Chinese food was all I had eaten that day. Mary's friend Craig liked the bartender and we spent most of the night trying to make him say hello to the guy. Emily told the bartender that Craig liked him and he said he didn't have a boyfriend. Craig finally did talk to him, if he didn't we would have been mad because the bartender would have thought we were messing with him. Mary's friend Laura sang a lot, she was great. Some old guy told her she sang too loud, so she went up there and showed him how good she really is. He ended up buying her 2 drinks, haha. Before we left Mary sang, it was nice, she's talented. We all hugged goodnight and Emily drove me home.
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lonely
tired
frustrated
mellow
okay
disappointed
ecstatic
nostalgic
calm
bouncy
depressed
awake
happy
accomplished
sore
sick
touched