No, I haven't really been sick. I've been skipping school.

( what else would i post? )

i just got home from tanning. i'm not quite sure why it's so relaxing. i think it's because i like closed in places, and i pretend i'm actually on the beach instead of in a little tanning bed. i just have to make sure i don't start looking trashy like some people do when they tan.

i'm glad prom is settled. i'll have a good time with asaf.

i'm also looking forward to seeing the play. i don't think anyone is going with me friday, though. sadness. maybe kyle will.

i've been feeling really good lately. i've been taking my paxil steadily for three weeks now. it makes me not eat, but i don't feel like killing myself anymore. i'm also doing pretty well in school (when mr. laroche isn't being a bastard). it's also finally being spring-like.

lalala. i'm obviously very bored.

so, my spring break trip has been cancelled. both of my parents separately promised evan and i they'd take us to florida if the other didn't. then two and a half weeks before spring break, they both cancel. i'm disappointed, but i'm not surprised.

( survey fun. )

so, it turns out zoloft is a stimulant and was making my anxiety and panic attacks worse, says dr. andreason. he put me on paxil now. we'll see how that goes. it has pretty bad side effects, and makes you groggy, so you have to take it at night. lovely. he also thinks i need to see a psychologist. that makes me feel even better.

i'm tired and sick, but that's okay. i had a good time last night. i didn't get home until about 4:00 this morning.

i've missed my zoloft a few days now, and i'm going through the lovely withdrawl. it doesn't help that i ended up in a bad mood last night, and only got five hours of sleep. i've been comatose all day. i think part of my sickness is that i'm dehydrated, so i've been trying to drink lots of water.

i had a good time, but i knew the combination of people last night was going to make it vaguely awkward, and i was right. i'm really weird about stuff like that though. i don't know. big groups always make me feel left out, and then i get jealous and depressed. it's not good or healthy, and i know that, but it happens. i find all of these faults in myself, but i don't feel like i really need to do anything about them, and then i just hate myself all the more.

casey, you should upload those pictures you took last night. i want to see them.

no one wants to fuck with me, and i don't bame them.

i'm falling apart.

i don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

i've been having crazy panic attacks. and not just normal panic attacks like i used to have. they're crying, hyperventilating, heart pounding, almost puking and passing out kind of panic attacks. and they're caused by absolutely nothing.

and i can't even get out of bed. i layed around all day today. i finally got up to take a shower, and went upstairs to get dressed, but ended up in bed in the dark for an hour before i realized that i was even laying there.

and my ocd is in overdrive.

i'm a complete mess and i'm not even sad. i'm actually fine. with everything.

i'm totally freaking my mom out with my panic attacks.

i think i'm finally just cracking.

i love sledding. if i were in shape and could make it up the hill more than five times, it would be even better.

my lungs hurt from the cold air, instead of from cigarettes. it feels really nice.

what sydney got for christmas:

-ddrmax2 (dance dance revolution)
-dance pad
-a green sweater
-jeans
-horrid clogs that need to be returned
-super mario 3 for gba
-a huge, soft polka dotted angora scarf
-a matching white angora hat
-pajama pants
-a purse
-giftcard for old navy (alan's dad)
-a yoga set (without the mat, argh.) (grandparents)

i got other small stuff, but they're not much to mention.

i think i got enough. i mean, my mom really has no money whatsoever, and i know that, so i'm satisfied with what i got. i was kind of disappointed this morning, but thinking about i realized that it's christmas, but it's just a day, and i got a bunch of stuff that i wouldn't get on a normal day, so i should be happy for that. and next year i get my ibook and ipod, so i'm looking forward to that.

we also got another cat. she's a beautiful white persian-kind-of cat. she's just a big ball of fluff. beane's not too thrilled, but he'll get over it soon enough. my mom's friend's sister got the cat, her son was allergic to it, and was going to take it to the pound, but my mom offered to take it. mom and alan named her labelle.

1.What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
drove to bloomington... i really haven't done anything new. going out on a real date, i guess.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i never make resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my great-grandpa.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
love, friends, happiness, a sense of well being...

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the day i got caught with my drugs.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i achieved nothing this year. this has been a very worthless year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
disappointing everyone all the time.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
that stupid accident with my toe, where i stepped on a sewing needle. part of it broke off, embedded itself in my flexor tendon, and had to be surgically removed.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my gameboy advanced sp.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
....

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
myself, a lot of people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Gasoline. Coffee Grounds.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My phone.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
"Hey Ya", Hadji's Love Mix/Pure Sex Volume 1, various other techno

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier? no.
Older and wiser? older.
Thinner or fatter? the same.
Richer or poorer? poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Learning. At school, and in my life.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying, freaking out, bitching.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my mom and Alan, my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle and cousins.

21. Did you fall in love in 2003?
no. i still have a couple weeks, though... lol. i'm sure i can manage to attach myself to some poor unsuspecting victim.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Degrassi.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

25. What was the best book you read?
Prozac Nation ((everyone laughs)).

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
...

27. What did you want and get?
i really get about everything i want. it's kind of pathetic.

28. What did you want and not get?
nothing, really.

39. What was your favorite film of this year?
Return of the King.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 17. I had my friends over.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being able to enjoy it.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
american eagle.

33. What kept you sane?
i'm not quite sure.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i don't know, probably ashton kutcher.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
"operation iraqi freedom".

36. Who did you miss?
megan.

37. Who was the best new person you met in 2003?
probably megan's friends, daniel and michael.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
...

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"please forgive me for my distance, the pain is evident in my existance."

i like these answering surveys. fill it out.

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
21. Do I look fashionable in ultra-violet?


i got those awful rubber bands today. i can barely talk and my jaw hurts because my teeth are always grinding. i'm also happy, because it's one of the last steps in the braces process, which means they will be off within a couple months. yay!

tonight's subject on dr. phil: sex bracelets.

it's nice to sit at home once in awhile. i'm glad no one called me to do anything tonight. except i'm actually being totally serious. hanging out with my friends wasn't really high on my list of things that i wanted to do this evening.

last night was fun. i wish we could do that more often. it was only okay after i left, though. dorothy and i are still on weird terms. we both have problems with each other, and we're kind of pretending we don't. i wish i could have stayed at dustin's, because it sounds like you guys had far more fun than i did.

i've just been sitting around all day making my christmas list. my mom still hasn't gone shopping yet. she hates christmas. but, whatever.

this is supposed to be a happy time of year, and it's just not. my mom tried to tell me today that i didn't have any problems to worry about, and that if i did, they were only about myself. it made me so angry. i have to worry about a hundred other people, it seems like. and sometimes problems with yourself are the worst.

i think it's bullshit that i can't trust anyone, and (almost) everyone has hidden intentions. everyone is fending for themself right now and it's causing more problems than it's solving.

and the bad part is that there's nothing that can be done to fix it. it's who people are. and it's all i can think about anymore.

this looks like fun. too bad casey is the only person who will fill it out. and maybe dustin.

I _______ Sydney.
Sydney is ____.
Sydney thinks a lot about _______.
When I think of _________, I think of Sydney.
I think Sydney should _____.
Sydney needs ______.
I want to ____________ Sydney.
Sydney has a lot of ______.
The worst thing about Sydney is ______.
The best thing about Sydney is ______.
Sydney can't seem to _____.
I love Sydney _____.
If I could describe Sydney in a word, it would be _______.
Someday Sydney will ________.
Sydney reminds me of _______.
Without Sydney _______.
Memories of Sydney are ________.
Sydney can be __________.
__________ is how I describe meeting Sydney.
I am ________ with Sydney.

i skipped school today to spare you all my whining. i'm feeling pretty awful about now.

it really isn't anything in particular... something just triggered a nervous breakdown at about midnight saturday and i broke down at megami's computer. i just sat there and cried. all i wanted was to talk to people to keep my mind occupied, and the internet signed off, and i didn't know megan's password. my phone was dead, so i was cut off. i finally curled up and cried myself to sleep on top of the heating vent on megan's living room floor.

i broke down again last night while i was talking to casey... i've been playing ffx-2 to keep myself out of it. i ended up playing until 3:00 this morning, which is also a reason why i didn't go to school. incidentally, i'll finish chapter 1 of the game in the next hour or so.

so tomorrow i'll go to school and be flooded with work, and i'll be overwhelmed... there is no getting away. i wish someone would just lock me up for awhile, because i'm tired of pretending to be able to be stable and function.

( Cut off here )

i shall see you guys tonight at the hotel. i'll call everyone and tell you where/what time and all of that. it'll probably be around 6-7:00... and end whenever we want to go back to mrs. adams's.