Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Josh Smash!'s LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 4th, 2004
9:52 am	Sometimes everything is so beautiful I can hardly breathe. I wish I could find the words. Sometimes I can. Maybe There aren't words that would do some of the people in my life justice. I occasionally forget that I'm a lucky kid. My best friend in the world will be here in a few hours. Maybe tonight will be a good night. Not that last night was bad. I just couldn't find the words. "Gravity doesn't grant me the privilege of failure my bough never breaks I don't stumble into anything so I climb and I carve my initials in the bark with that feather I found but its all so contrived. My genes didn't bless me with the foresight of a sage but I know how this will end, in apologies and ink on the page." Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: That one really good Against Me! accoustic EP (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
12:25 pm	let the flood swell, and carry this tired body away. All I ever asked, was for a clean break. Last night, blurry eyed and talking fast with Molly, voice full of despair I keep saying that we're all broken, fucked up, hurt people. That's why we gravitate to each other, and I'm sick of hearing about who heard what, about who or what they may or may not have done, years ago. My bones are too tired and sore to give a fuck. My heart aches for one honest emotion. It fucking breaks me that we're all so broken by the tragedies in our lives that we create more of them by not being able to care about each other. I came to the realization the other night that I love everyone I know. There isn't a single person we're friends with that I wouldn't fucking die for. Maybe I'm more concerned with the fact that the Savannah Police have been given shoot to kill orders for the G-8 protesters. That the same orders will most likely be given for both the DNC and the RNC. Maybe I'm worried that someone I care deeply for dying by a police officer's bullet. Maybe I think about how privileged it is to even think that about it that is, since there are families that daily worry about their loved ones dying by a police officer's bullet, or club, and I have the option of worrying about it. Maybe I'm more concerned with the fact that half a world away or even in our own wretched cities someone's mother, father, Son, or Daughter is probably dying for no fucking reason at all, and nobody (most of all including me) is doing shit to stop it. Maybe I'm slightly more concerned with that then who said what when they had too much to drink. All of us are fucked up. Nobody, I don't care who they are is completely deprogrammed from domination culture. I've done some fucking awful things in my life. So have all of us. We'll probably do them again. We're all products of the cold world we were born into. I suppose it's no wonder we turn on each other, or into what we hate the most. We're raised on their television, their culture, we went to their schools, we drink their alcohol and use it to justify our irresponsible actions. We swallow all the shit they feed us, and then go crawling back for more. We are them, we are domination culture, no matter how hard we'd like to pretend we aren't. We can't run from the swarm when we live in the hive. Hope is the only thing this world has to offer any of us. Some days I feel like the only thing we have is each other. The world is horrifying and I'm tired of contributing to it. This is the sound of my weight bearing heart fucking breaking. I'd rather choke on a live bullet tonight than on anyone's (including my own) sour words. "but the more I turn my face from the crowd the more I feel my backs' increasingly compelled for the sake of escape, to turn a knife on itself, a knife of relief, from all the petty insight and finally I'll sleep, I'll sleep through the night" "so we all live this life alone, without the teeth marks but I predict, I'll have to sink my fangs in someone else's heart to heal my own." Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Circle Takes The Square - as the roots undo LP (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
8:21 am	I'm getting sicker and sicker of updating this thing. I have little to say or feel anyway. I want Ali and Sarah to visit so I have less of a reason to be here. One of my favorite people in the world was telling me last night that they has felt numb to everything lately. It made me want to cry an ocean of tears to flow through these filthy streets stained with so many years of smothered hopes and desired denined. I don't want them to be like me. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Monday, May 24th, 2004
4:24 pm	just so we all know.... Sleep deprivation = most fun ever. I love the way things 4 a.m. before everyone leaves their houses to go out in the world. Maybe I should just only go out at night. Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 20th, 2004
12:12 am	I got a good feeling in a bad city tonight. Two cups of bitter, black diner coffee, my journal, and some donated copies, and this is shaping up to be a damn good night if I do say so myself. The night is young and it's time to do some damage. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Matterman's bittersweet voice singing to me. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
4:45 pm	ah breakdown how I missed you. We were walking by breakdown and I got talked into working a shift. I swear, sleep deprivation must be put in the water in this town. I've been home for two days and haven't slept right since. Whatever. I'm feeling slightly itchy to leave again, which is funny considering what I went through to get back here. Ali emailed me saying she'd be in town next week, so I'm wicked excited about that. Not much else is new in this life. Being back isn't really what I expected, I smile to myself at three in the morning. walking these empty streets alone, I remember that I can always believe in myself. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Public Enemy (Comment on this)
Monday, May 17th, 2004
10:56 am	it just goes to show.... Loneliness will follow you anywhere. Even home. Maybe even especially home. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 15th, 2004
1:32 pm	This is really funny. Still. A Parents Guide to the Youth's Music by Rigmor Mortensson I know that it can be difficult, sometimes impossible to keep up with the times as a parent. One day hip hop is in, another day it's hard rock etc. Music and playing it has always been part of being a human. Moses and the israelites often praised the lord in song (e.g. 2 Mos 15:20). Jesus had dealings with musicians (e.g. Matthew 9:23) and all aroung the country people humm the tunes of some good song. Music is not only a way of interacting, it is also a way of expressing one's feelings and opinions. Thus far music can seem ideal since it provides love and warmth. But not all music is good. Satan is very eager to score easy points and his music is not always so easy to recognise as the evil message is camouflaged. How would you react if you found out that your child is listening to satanic music? To weed out dangerous music you need knowledge. But, as it was allready said, it is very difficult to see which music is ill suited and even dangerous to your child. Here I will explain the concepts once and for all. Soul Soul originates from America, where black slaves passed the time by singing. Wery rapidly soul, the name of which is an ironisation of christianitys view of the soul, came to be about mocking the white employers and all of christianity. One developed a sort of inverted "speaking in tongues" that became the slaves' method of communicating without their employers understanding them, while at the same time this language was considered the one that Satan himself spoke. Trough this inverted language one could make contacts with the Devil and mock all that is good. It's not entirely unheard of for soul to contain so called subliminal messages. These messages are well hidden in the music and wery difficult to hear, but none the less implant themselves in the consciousness. These messages usually encourage suicide and burning of churches. Soul music is extremely dangerous and has since a decade become all the more common among younger people. Violence and drugs are commonplace in this music that regrettably seems to be here to stay. Hip Hop A monotonous musical style that rarely contains more than one or two repeatedly occurring melodies. The reason for the monotony is for the listener to sink into a trance-like state. The song can best be described as a speech, where the words are spoken in a rapid and rythmic succsession. Lyrics in hip hop are often very antisemitic and promote violence, drug use as well as encourages young girls to have abortions. The musical style that rooted itself in Sweden during the early eighties originates among the black in America and their suburban gangs. Suburban gangs that also have become more commonplace in Sweden are often small "clans" in which youth are converted into violent offenders trough satanic propaganda. So called Rap, the more aggressive subgenre of hip hop, is often very influenced by the racist and antisemitic sect Nation of Islam, that wants to destroy christianity trough violence and elevate Satan, in the shape of Allah, to be the only permitted god. Example of band: MC Hammer Techno An industrial musical style that has it's roots among the white youth gangs of Europe's larger cities. Techno is an extremely drug glorifying musical style and has during the nineties mostly been known for the so called rave parties, that are held at night time in often remote and secluded locations. During a rave the participating young often take large amounts of drugs to, as it is said, "open their senses to the fourth dimension and become one with Satan". To the blinking of strong lights and the accompaniement of unhealthily loud music the affected youngsters dance uninhibitedly and intensively in often very contorted positions untill they faint from exhaustion. Drugs destroy the Temple of the Holy Ghost! It's naturally not difficult to draw paralells between this behaviour and the black sabbaths where whiches danced all night long for the glory of Satan. Examples of bands: Vanilla Ice, Prodigy and Aqua Black Metal A musical style that has been around since the late 1970:ties when the brittish group Venom came up with the monicer. Black metal is very intensive and shrieky. At a hellish speed Satan is praised both left and right with twisted guttural voices. Black metal musicians openly display the fact that they are satanists. Lyrics very often glorify satanism and vent their hatred against God and all good people. Human sacrifice and rape of defenseless girls is thoroughly described. Many black metal bands are composed of vegetarians that don't eat animals since they think animals are worth more than humans. Rightwing extremism and nazism is a recurring theme within black metal music. The extermination of jews during the second world war is denied and those that don't do it think of the holocaust as something good that must be worked for! One can easily recognise the adherents of this music by their long hair dyed black, their black clothes and facial make-up (so called Corne paint). Symbols such as pentagrams, so-called "peace signs" and inverted crosses are frequent on album covers and as jewelry. Within this genre, drugs and violence also occur frequently. Approximately 80% of all those involved with black metal are heavy drug-users and a sizable portion are also homo- or bisexuall. To praise Satan, they frequently burn churches, sacrifice humans and disturb graves. Much of their inspiration comes from the american satanist leader Anton LaVey and the artist Jon Bon Jovi who within this musical genre is seen as a sort of spiritual figurehead. Examples of bands: Anthrax, Danzig and Darkthrone Death Metal Shares to a large degree the same attributes and ideology as black metal. Musically they are nearly identical. Death metal is distinguished from black metal by being more political. Leftwing extremism and communism is frequent within death metal. Examples of bands: Entombed, Samael and Iron Maiden. Punk Punk is criticism against the world order created by God. Many punk bands promote anarchy. The thought behing anarchy as a political system is that it will plunge the world into chaos for Satan to take over. There is also a political side to punk that can be both right- or leftwing extremist. The music is characterised by shrieking vocals and bad guitar sounds. The music sounds the way it does partly to disguise lacking musical prowes, but also to describe the chaos that is sought after. Violence, racism and drugs are very frequently occurring within punk. It is frequent for punks to comb their hair into a so-called cock's crest. The cock's crest symbolises a sharp knife that is pointed towards heaven to wound God. Many punks wear leather jackets covered by sharp studs and satanic propaganda. A shirt with a cross with a line drawn over it and the text "Bad Religion" occurs frequently among young punks. The so-called "peace sign", or Nero's cross which is the correct name, is a cross where the arms have been bent downwards to symbolise the demise of christianity. This symbol accompanied by an A (symbolises the Antichrist and anarchy) is often represented on the cover of records and shirts. Examples of bands: Offspring and Exploited Industrial Industrial as a musical genre is a sort of hybryd between punk and techno. The songs are often long and monotonous. electronic sounds and insane screams characterizes the music. Often it is satanic and not seldom it glorifies extreme left-wing violent actions. Individualists are driven by a strong ideological idea that the bilble is false. Instead one spends much time reading Marx and Engels Communist Manifest that are industrial music main inspirational source. One feel betrayed by the adult world and God, and because of this see the world as an unpleasant place. With revolutionary thoughts one wants to (just as in punk music) create disorder and confusion in the world to secure the coming of Satan and the final destruction of the human kind. Examples of bands: Mortiis, Dead Can Dance and Hellspiders I'm escaping Pittsburgh tonight for sure. Current Mood: amused, but only mildly. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 14th, 2004
10:48 am	I kind of hate this. The way things don't work out at the most inopportune times. I can't feel anything except overwhelming despair. End me in Pittsburgh. P.S. Love is dead. You're next. Current Mood: crushed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
10:38 pm	someone give me a pair of brass knuckles. So the next time some scumpunk fuker makes a joke about sexually assaulting my mother I can break his teeth out of his face. Current Mood: hateful (Comment on this)
Monday, May 10th, 2004
1:30 pm	Meeting other straight edge crusty anarcho punk kids is like finding water in the desert. It's the best thing ever. Other not so posi things: finding dead homebums feeling all alone when love turns to hate the indifference I sometimes feel towards everything. Current Mood: blah (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 8th, 2004
11:41 am	Pittsburgh My feet hurt/smell really badly. I need a shower, the kids I'm traveling with make fun of me for being slightly less dirty than they are. Just because I bathe at least once every week or so as opposed to every month or so. Yesterday I finally got to be the trouble that the cops run out of small town their quiet little town. Awesome. I've been waiting my whole life for that. It didn't matter that we got run out of town in the pouring rain and were utterly exhausted It was seriously that funny. I'm going to find my self proclaimed "drug free positive youth" friend Josh. It will be nice to be around some edge kids for a bit. I'm kind of sick of listening to arguments over who gets the last cigarette and how much you wish you had a 40. Okay, sick of it is the wrong phrase, don't understand it is a better one. I miss people maybe more than I should, and it's driving me to an unhealthy level of craziness. Current Mood: exhausted (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
10:11 pm	I called just to hear your voice, and to know I'm not alone. And when I leave town tonight I'll look towards the western sky and blow a kiss. Hopefully the wind will carry it there to you. Current Mood: melancholy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:55 pm	we flap our wings but find ourselves chained to the ground once again. Who would have thought I could run so fast? I learned just how fast in west Philly today. Now if only I could just outrun myself. Or at least this crippling insecurity and self loathing part. I wasn't born with enough middle fingers. So fuck you. "and all of this means nothing, through there (right here)" Current Mood: in an obviously bad mood. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
1:29 pm	Are you there travel Goddess? It's me, Josh. Please get me the fuck out of this state. I wanna go home. Or even somewhere closer to home than this. Ugh. Current Mood: frustrated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 1st, 2004
2:36 pm	eat it York, eat it. I made it to Philly last night. Now I just need to find a way out of Pennsylvania, and everything will be right with the world, okay, nothing will ever be right with the world, because it's dead, but everything will be right with me. I miss all the nice old friends I spent time with though. They should just visit me for once. Current Mood: annoyed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 30th, 2004
6:33 pm	it was a fine day for a funeral, but I never wanted you to die. It's one of those days again. I feel all alone at the ass end of the world that I call my hometown. I'm heading home tonight. I don't know what else to say. "I can make it through this day if I see just one beautiful thing." Current Mood: lonely Current Music: The final Amebix recordings (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
10:43 pm	Black blood flows through these veins I've felt dead inside all day. Maybe it's because I'm here. I don't totally know why. Maybe it's the fact that I've been listening to at the gates all day today. Maybe it's the fact that the world is still being killed, and nobody (including me) is doing shit to stop it. Probably all of the above. I'm spinning down and I can't stop. I want to go home. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Tragedy - Vengeance LP (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
1:31 am	we hit concrete It's nights like this where I don't have even an ounce of remorse over who I am. Emily and I went to a bar (Hah! I drank some cranberry juice) to visit one of my former best friends. I haven't seen him in nearly five years. The last time we saw each other it didn't go over well on account of him being a racist bonhead. Since we've last talked he's done time in prison, changed his ways, gotten his racist tattoo's covered, and generally tried to become a good person. The three of us sat around and talked and caught up, and I kept marveling how funny the way works out for three small town kids. Anyway. It was nice to catch up and just talk and know that he's okay. It was a good night in York. I'm gonna go get some sleep. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Leadbelly (Comment on this)
Monday, April 26th, 2004
10:55 am	Here we are..... Nowhere. York, Pennsylvania. Home sweet home. I forgot that I'm here in the spring so it's going to be all gray and rainy out. I suppose it's alright though. It's Emily's so theres food to be had. That's always good. I hope to only be here for a few days. One of my deepest childhood fears is getting stuck in York. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Leadbelly - Midnight Special (2 Comments |Comment on this)