Mother, May I Sleep with Treacher?

This blog ain't goin' nowhere!

Which is true in every meaningful sense. But who needs fame or riches or even a living wage when I have you, dear reader?

So, it turns out liberal radio can be every bit as smug, heavy-handed, and coma-inducingly dull as conservative radio. Good to know!

Whew, I'm exhausted. And now, please enjoy this collection of cartoon archetypes dancing wildly to a misogynistic booty-jam.

I Quit

This has been a long time coming, I suppose. Those of you who've been reading me for a while (all 27 of you) might have noticed this site hasn't been updated very often lately. Two years is a lot longer than I ever expected to keep doing this. Although it hasn't been entirely unenjoyable, I can't think of one good reason to keep going.

There's a lot more I could say, but I hate long goodbyes. Take care, everybody.

The following post is my entry in this contest

The other day I got one of those new Reach flossers. It looks like a toothbrush, except instead of bristles on the end, there's a little two-pronged attachment with floss stretched across the prongs. You hold it like a toothbrush and move the floss up and down between your teeth and below your gumline. The handle is translucent yellow, with little rubberized ridges for a better grip. It comes with 8 floss attachments. The instructions say to replace the attachment every day, but I've been soaking the floss end in Listerine (the new citrus flavor) after each use, so I think it'll be okay to use each attachment for a few days to save a little money. It's a lot easier to use than regular dental floss. I'll be flossing my teeth a lot more often from now on.

A brief list of things that are making me feel a little less like shooting myself in the forehead

Yeah I'm drunk, so what?

Interesting how neither Salon nor Slate bothered to review the #1 movie in the country this week. Not enough subtext for you, you hippies? Not enough symbolism? I bet you'd have reviewed it if Bush said he liked it. BUSH LIED, PEOPLE WERE ZOMBIFIED

Seriously, what the hell? It's not like Stale and ZZZalon haven't reviewed the most soul-draining schlock that hit the Top 5 for like one day. I guess it's no fun to review a movie that doesn't give you enough opportunities to show how clever you are. It was hardly a masterpiece, but it was well-done enough that you couldn't shit all over it like whatever that latest Ashley Judd movie was called. It was just a good, creepy action flick. It's okay to have fun at the movies, you nerds! Well, fine, go ahead and focus on chopping off Lars von Trier's dick before the other reviewers can suck it, already.

I'm probably just jealous!

P.S. Armond White reviewed it, and of course it's a terrible movie because it was directed by somebody other than Steven Spielberg. Funny how White devotes his entire last paragraph to slamming a statement from Mekhi Phifer's character that doesn't even exist. It wasn't "I just want the opportunity to judge things," it was "I just want the opportunity to change things." Emily Littella lives.

P.P.S. Edelstein's hatchet job on Dogville really is awesome, though.

My favorite insult in recent memory

"Don't take that tone with me, young man, I'm old enough to be the pimp that got paid for the fuck that made you." -- Tony Millionaire, who is celebrating the first of next month a little early and would like you to visit Maakies.com

"Against boredom even the gods contend in vain"

Nietzsche. Looks like that's a common phrase being used by comment-spammers, among other cut-and-paste bits of text. Apparently the idea is to slip in something just vague enough not to raise suspicion, if somebody's not paying attention to their blog comments. Add it as a comment to a months-old blog post, link your screen name to some site for dong elongation or whatever stupid scam you're running, and presto! You're an asshole.

I'd really like to meet one of these spammers. And by "meet," I mean "tie to a chair." I'd really like to hear which notes they can hit.

Various unrelated items

Looks like something really went wrong over at Low Culture:

March 15, 2004

hello dearest readers,

ah, the ides of march. how suitably ironic!

we're currently in the midst of some nasty technical difficulties (hence the super-unstylish page you're reading now, sans commentary on sofia coppola or richard perle or, pray tell, jim treacher).

we'll be back mid-week, wednesday-ish (fingers crossed), with a new and improved "sour/snide" demeanor.

jean-paul tremblay / matt haber / guy cimbalo

Hey, if their blog isn't feeling well, maybe it needs a Low Throat Culture! Hee! No? Nothing? Anyway, I hope everything gets sorted out, because Low Culture has some good stuff. Plus, I want to see what they said about me.

If you missed the preview of the new Dawn of the Dead (AKA 28 Dawns Later) last night on USA Network, somebody put up a Bittorrent of it here. More than a preview, it's actually the first 11 minutes of the movie. Now... if a studio puts the beginning of an upcoming flick on basic cable to try to get people into the theater, is it wrong to download it for free? Because I don't have USA Network, but after downloading this and watching it, I'm definitely going to see the movie. (Thanks, lottery winnings!) They've made the sale. Is all downloading still bad, then?

If my stalker hadn't temporarily taken over my old blog, deleting all the archives in the process, I could link to a nice e-mail I got from DotD screenwriter James Gunn. A couple years back I blogged about his movie The Specials, which I really liked, and he said I could post his reply. But now it's gone forever. So be sure to salute my stalker. I'm saluting them right now.

To celebrate the season, here's an old clip-art comic I did a few St. Paddy's Days ago. Back when I was doing that crap, a few people called me a "cartoonist." It's like, if you don't draw your own stuff, how can people call you a cartoonist? (Sorry, Aaron. And Cathy. And Garry. And...)

Dr. David Thorpe hates your favorite band, and he shows his work.

I guess that's all I have for now. If you're Irish, try not to get too hammered tomorrow. If you're not Irish, try not to judge us too harshly.

The Week in Treacher

Well, I won $7 on the lottery.

Aaaaaaaand that was about it. Thanks for stopping by!