anamnesis

01:47 pm March 12th, 2004




			anamnesis


	write more, think less.
	legless bird fly all day wingless lover just waits ♪♬: led zeppelin : the girl i love she got long black wavy hair

12 : xo


	coronary insanity.
	i was drinking up and looking through a glass, darkly weeping i just have to make it through this evening pulled the curtains i heard them speaking in tongues about a naive no-one who never tried who was barely more than a twinkle in his old mans eye but slightly more than a suicide who met a good listener with perfect words a closed lipped ventriloquist heart all-a-slur either you are still with me or you never were either you are still with me or you never were either you are still with me or ♪♬: love : five string serenade

26 : xo


	deciduous.
	staring down in disbelief on an empty world/wilting before my eyes it will pass in part/not last ♪♬: sun kil moon : floating

15 : xo


	one night on a clifftop a long time ago.
	most written last yr, some last night. all deeply personal. to be added to, in time... esc. i truly believe[d] we'd stay together always & burn- out anonymous & beautiful like two shooting stars swallowing up the sky undercover of daytime razzorr i'm torn between nursing a disappearing scar, almost gone. taking a clean sharp razor-blade, making a fresh incision right along the old one. superglue -mobile phone -e-mail -instant message -fax machine -livejournal -carrier pigeon -smoke signals the more ways we find to communicate the lonelier we become fornever after two years & several months what i remember of her face & legs could fill volumes, what i have forgotten, graveyards. Dec 8 1943 we all forget Jim Morrison's birthday - everywhere except Paris, who hasn't moved on and spent the day locked away, soaking in yesterday's bathwater. optimisto i was born into the world on a rainy tuesday morning in late october 1981 and i'll die alone, in a dark house in the summer of 2007. & her shoelaces [for inutilezas] i'd hire a plane and write "i love you" across the sky in the fluffiest red, but you're always looking at your shoelaces. stamps she sends me pieces / of herself / in an envelope / not fingers and hair / but pictures of oceans / found treasure & / her frilly underwear. tulips [for two lips] she dribbles a smile, as i watch her tiny feet bickering beneath the covers. sometimes i swear i know exactly what she's dreaming. writing in the sand alone on my small square of beach squinting, castaway recalling the curve of your eyelids each one blinking like the tide rushing, receding crash into me this endless rain was finally slowing and the sky was receiving the colour back into its pallid cheeks, then i heard her song... pause he licks her armpits before they kiss. on his lips tastes sweat, reminding her of labouring so long for a love like this. the hidden she asks, why write tiny poems and not epics? i tell her, for the same reason you're my fuckbuddy and not my girlfriend. mystery girl to the young redhead whose life overlapped mine for a few shared glances this morning, who smiled like tiny suns and was gone. cigarsucker i read about Saddam & his alleged weapons of mass-destruction. i long for simpler times, such as Clinton & his weapon of mass-seduction. 23nerds [for 23words] once i dreamt i was boatmusic with no words, an oyster with no_pearls, a heddcold with no pain, an orkid with no petals. dollface porcelain dolls hidden deepin disguise, only given away by the greyest angel dust eyes. for lies, pull the chord on her back. cling-on when i said goodbye she screamed "you barbed wire hearted liar" this is a normal reaction remember to never look back, my friend. girl [in the flesh] more beautiful than the marriage of sun and rain is the curvature of your neck and shoulders, your skin slips away into itself. worrywort she has this lumpy throbbing in her chest, behind her left breast. cancer runs in the family, as does hypochondria and blatant stupidity. folie á deux she neglects her piano. she plays her gameboys till they run out of batteries, till she herself is a blank screen. closure close er a glass stuck to a coaster. scallywag bra-less white t-shirt, she was like a ballerina twirling on high heels, her nipples smiling at me. condenser i held your hairback while you threw up six dozen failed relationships. she's going to puke on my hush puppies, i thought. ( alt. longer version ) ♪♬: explosions in the sky \| six days at the bottom of the ocean

14 : xo


	you idiot kid.
	keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest where i like you the best ... i only saw you live once that late december. your voice broke with emotion so often. you had to stop midway through a song, unable to continue. i can't imagine how many times you must have sung them, how you put everything into them. you made a joke, faked a smile. hid your eyes. sung another song & on & on, til you couldn't anymore. i'm sorry for you. fond farewell, elliott. ♪♬: elliott smith : going nowhere

4 : xo


	resuscitate.
	in the air you breathe a wreath of slow clouds hang above dead autumn trees bejewelled eyes of sorrow fall between the torn pages you glued with no-one but me .. feeling like i'm living under sheets, shaking off the sleep. like a glass to a wall you only ever hear with one ear & i won't speak. often i'm riding the bus with my trousers riding my hips because i've forgotten my belt again. ♪♬: snowy white : bird of paradise

1 : xo


	high expectations, long fall.
	today i was walking home, a wreath of slow grey clouds hanging above dying autumn trees. my limbs felt heavy, i found it hard to breathe. a bejewelled drizzle of sorrow fell between the torn pages you glued with no-one but me. i layed down and went to sleep over & over. i dreamt about once when i was four, i was helping my Nan in her garden. i plucked a thick green leaf and rubbed it between my fingertips, as it broke apart i watched as the juices spilled out onto my tiny hands. “look at this stuff!” i cried, my fingers dripping with the moisture of the aloe vera plant and then Nanny, smiling, said “you’ve made the plant cry”. i remember the wave of guilt and remorse that passed through me at the sound of those words. i scurried inside, murmuring like a heart and numbed my insides with ice-cream.

16 : xo


	perfect 10.
	three stories, for my train ride: 1\| mark richard : the ice at the bottom of the world 2\| amy hempel : in the cemetary where al jolson is buried 3\| haruki murakami : sputnik sweetheart six songs, for a headache: 1\| portishead : roads 2\| elliott smith : angel in the snow 3\| don caballero : you drink a lot of coffee for a teenager 4\| grandaddy : underneath the weeping willow 5\| simon & garfunkel : the only living boy in new york 6\| smashing pumpkins : hope one girl, for a fuck: 1\| that girl who winked and said i should get my end away, and all my troubles would fade.

5 : xo


	the fallible fuck.
	silent and serene sit and spin in a room full of opinions i never said why i never said anything the bus ride home made my father cry wednesday playing on his mind i held him but all hope seemed to close up inside me like a flower that would never again open anything for the faintest trace of a pencil smile around the lips of my mother ♪♬: jeff buckley : lover, you should've come over

11 : xo


	lighten up to darken down.
	the ruins of the night behind me. a tide of insomnia washed up over me. impossible solitudes awaking deep within me. the muffled sounds, the shiver of the town skimming lies across the river. in this heat, i feel the kind of cold an only child knows. like you said, we're better off sitting in the dark and i'm holding onto the desultory fragments of a heart. ♪♬: arab strap : i still miss you

12 : xo


	abandoned, like an empty glass.
	heartache, hand-made back pockets for rainy days you and this fragile piece of me folded up, tucked away lovers make graves out of everything ♪♬: wipers : return of the rat

2 : xo


	nonce-case.
	read my palm, written on my palm in deep red ink. i want you to strip me of everything that gets in the way. no more words to pass between. no more promises to keep. wandering in and out of dislocated days, summer rain needling my face. ♪♬: the thrills : one horse town


	and how the rain comes down hard.. that's how i feel inside.
	i ordered the cure trilogy dvd today. memories of last years tour, sitting on the grass on that steamy summer day. wind-chimes and lipstick smiles and firework endings and nothing else matters when the sky is a brilliant splash of colours. p.s. take a look at my thecure community.

7 : xo


	the best place to hide a lie is between two truths.
	i was just watching the news and i thought of this cartoon... ♪♬: antarctica : full crescent crusade

1 : xo


	june too soon.
	rain-drenched sundays and hopeless mondays. this summer is a lickety dog. sunburnt and cold.

3 : xo


	sleeping in yesterday's clothes
	that faraway look is never lost to me and in me you see outside it rains and rains my heart swells like the walls, around you ♪♬: leaves : epitaph

1 : xo


	dancing toward sunlight.
	all violets push through concrete to breathe, only to be stepped on, in time.

1 : xo


	morning pours the ocean deep, into the hollow of my sleep.
	the lover who surgically cut you leavings anaesthetised with 'fuck you' irreplaceable irreconcilable devilboy, horn-glued somewhat i'm not dangerous friends make you feel again dangerous friends make you feel again dangerous friends make you feel again? ♪♬: red house painters : cruiser


	something salvaged from before..
	the purr purr pouts / and sucker punches / and suck him in / hop in / your cheeks are blistering / but the water's not hot / so sink to drown / with dying / forget-you-nots / and uncrackable whips / and self-involved toys / and poppable girls / and sleigh ride boys / and carsick blues / and sleepsick shakes / and heart-carved hate / crescent-shaped scars / and wintry suicides / ornamental stars / raw last goodbyes / forever reappearing / disappearing together / down drown down / in never / we'll fall / from their eyes / into a vast love song / be my final swan song / you wear see-through blue / i'll wear a sunshine smile / you'll meet me by the pier / we'll ebb and flow out / at the end of the rain / beguiling tide / i'll meet you by the pier... ♪♬: terje rypdal : mystery man


	relinquishing strings.
	wrap around and hold tight as the boy holds onto the strings of a kite, he's launched into a storm and the night. ♪♬: the swans : the golden boy that was swallowed by the sea

1 : xo


	frozen orchards of helplessness.
	in silent, in decision hold in, un buttoning everytime you undress i feel i feel i feel i feel your loneliness ♪♬: my bloody valentine : you made me realise / honey power


	onto the tracks.
	love; love is standing on the underground, waiting for that train home. people wince and brace themselves for that warm gust of air as the tube pulls into the platform, it's so easy to be swept away. ♪♬: shostakovich : the tsar and the poet

1 : xo


	x'll mark the place.
	toe-tag you and i are a crime-scene cordoned off from view only friends posing as experts see thru sifter the ruins glazed over eyes searching for whys & hows of what went wrong ♪♬: radiohead : where i end and you begin


	3.
	for the girl on the train heading nowhere [with the nicotine laced veins] non-smoking kiss heart-tangled liquorice ... for the lover made out of toothpicks i watch you sleep a chaos of hair your shadow sketched against the wall ... for carly shattered indecisive tiny glass feet dancing up, upon the seat ♪♬: phaser : life and illusion

2 : xo


	when i said / i..
	..never knew you / what i meant was / i regret knowing you / and there will be / many more wasted days / to regret my own / imperfect ways ♪♬: elliott smith : jealous guy (john lennon cover)


	anhedonic.
	nose to nose until eyes close, too slow, too late and deep blue dive and a numbness too numb to try. eyes that won't dry, wet painted smile and i can't stop feeling the tackiness, can't stop pegging my hope on a washing line, along with a pair of bum-ripped jeans and her lucky black underwear. i'm playing hang-man, hanging myself out every time.


	once only and once again.
	let's lose we've lost touch don't touch dig a hole deep enough bury my words bury your head bury the shovel you dug the hole with ♪♬: interpol : stella was a diver and she is always down


	first kiss.
	front cover. polish suicide doll [1920] instructions: -wind it up for a week -it gradually winds down -kills itself next month a felix the cat, tab of acid. i forget what the other tab was, sorry. ♪♬: slint : glenn

1 : xo




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			if i should never find you in this life, let me feel the lack, once glance from your eyes and my life will be yours.





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