|
| Headlines |
Gay Street Bridge reopens, nobody notices
Knoxville faced the tragic closure of the Gay Street Bridge in February of 2001. Since that time, an approximate $16 million dollars has been spent to rennovate the 107-year-old structure.
more >>
|
Downtown (But Slightly East of Center) Knoxville
Do you like to walk for blocks to find anything green? Do you think the sky should only be visible when you look straight up? Downtown Knoxville is just the place for you. With plenty of concrete, old buildings, and trendy people, you cannot get more politically correct than by moving here.
more >>
|
Simmons to retire to East Tennessee
Richard Simmons – noted exercise guru and perennial guest on The Late Show with David Letterman – has decided to call his day in the national spotlight to a close.
more >>
|
Ice Bears to get new theme song
In an effort to spawn better response by attendees to advertisers and to enhance concession sales for next season, the Ice Bears have adopted a new theme song.
more >>
|
Dust bunny exhibit to open at Knoxville Convention Center
After a year with almost no business, a large collection of dust bunnies has been discovered at the Knoxville Convention Center.
more >>
|
Joining the craze, Disc Exchange unveils low-carb items
Joining the Atkins diet craze, the Disc Exchange has announced that it will unveil a new series of low-carb selections.
more >>
|
KPD embraces trolley system
Drastic cutbacks to the city budget have forced the KPD to utilize the downtown trolley system. This move will not only present monthly savings but will provide a much-needed short-term cash infusion by allowing for an auction of many pre-owned police vehicles.
more >>
|
Potato and onion specialist decides to hone career
Chad Hitchcock, a potato and onion specialist from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, has announced that his dual specialties are causing undue stress and he must cut back to find his true focus.
more >>
|
David Keith endorses Democratic party, cannot name a candidate
David Keith has shaken up the Knoxville political landscape by endorsing "a Democrat" for President in 2005. The announcement was made at 2 AM at International House of Pancakes on Kingston Pike without a press conference.
more >>
|
Haslam Outlines Missions to Halls, Clinton
On the heels of President Bush announcing missions to both Mars and the moon, Mayor Haslam has boldly proclaimed his exploratory intentions to two mysterious local communities.
more >>
|
|
|
|
| Briefs |
Source leaks name of next UT president  §
In a Knoxpatch.com exclusive, a source close to the search for the new University of Tennessee president has revealed that a decision has already been made. "The public search is just a front," the anonymous source reported. "The board has unanimously voted in private, and the new president will be Kenneth Starr." When asked, Starr's representatives had no comment, but winked knowingly.
TDOT to widen interstate for future §
After realizing what a pain in the ass it is becoming to do any road projects in modern society, and also that hindsight is 20/20, TDOT announced plans to widen I-40 through downtown enough to allow for any future expansion. A spokesmodel said TDOT is taking this measure so they will not have to deal with all the red tape in the future. "By widening I-40 through downtown Knoxville to 20 lanes in each direction, we're ensuring room for future growth while resolving immediate needs at the same time," the spokesmodel, Ambyr Taconi stated. "Sure some businesses, including any businesses between I-40 and Summit Hill Drive, will be affected, but the increased 'no rain' zone under the bridge will more than make up for it," she added. Critics accuse TDOT of trying to pave over the state, but they claim they are just doing their job. Aaron Level, an SUV owner, is pleased with the proposed changes. "Kick ass," he exlaimed.
Six Flags Over Elkmont coming soon §
Theme Park company Six Flags, Inc. announced plans late last week to convert the controversial Elkmont area of the Greak Smoky Mountains into a new Six Flags theme park. Titled Six Flags Over Elkmont, the park will provide beautiful vistas of the area from the high points of several large roller coasters and free fall rides. Patrons will hear various dialogs on historic preservation piped through speakers while waiting in line for the rides. Nearby Wears Valley will be converted into a parking lot and trolleys will provide direct service from the lot through Metcalf Bottoms into the park. Environmentalists, capitalists, and preservationists all see this development as a triumph. The park should be open by Spring 2006.
StubHub.com granted sole distributorship for tickets into Heaven §
Just days after becoming a portion of America Online, StubHub.com has announced the details of a deal making them the sole distributors of tickets into Heaven. StubHub.com traditionally provides access to resell tickets for sold-out events as well as hard-to-find tickets to venues such as TV tapings, movie shoots, and film festivals. With the power of America Online, branching off into new premium services was a natural step. Sources indicate that StubHub.com has actually been in talks with the Vatican for nearly eight months, but had been unable to work out a deal until now. News of the service expansion caused America Online stock to rise nearly 1% within two hours.
NEWS FLASH - Buried bodies discovered in Knoxville National Cemetery §
Routine groundwork at the Knoxville National Cemetery has uncovered one of the largest mass graves ever discovered in East Tennessee.
91.9, WUOT Public Radio changes format §
In order to compete in the increasingly competitive and narrowly focused radio market, WUOT Public Radio is making a drastic change in format. Inside sources have told Knoxpatch reporters that as of May 1, 2004 the format will change to "All Hank, All The Time." Although the potential audience will be dramatically reduced, the loyalty of listeners (those that always want to hear Hank Williams, Jr.) will be an important factor in the decision. According to the 91.9 programming staff, listeners can expect to not only hear the top hits, but also the great Hank Williams, Jr. music that just didn't get much airplay.
TYS to offer new direct flights §
In response to recent lifts on travel bans by the US State Department, Knoxville's McGhee Tyson Airport (TYS) will begin offering direct flights to Tripoli and Havana. Airport spokesman Ronald Kadafy said the move is also a way to encourage travelers to utilize Knoxville airports instead of driving the 30 or so hours to Mexico City to catch a cheaper, direct flight. The first flights depart next week, and the return flights are already said to be booked. A State Department spokesman said that with the recent involvement of Oak Ridge in Libya's weapons programs, it seemed only natural to have direct flights to Libya from Knoxville. Flights will range in price from $300 to $1300, depending on season, day of week, or time of day. If you plan to take one of these flights, please arrive at least one week early to airport check-in.
New LASIK procedure improves hindsight §
Dr. Leslie Cunningham of the Campbell Cunningham Laser Center claims to have discovered a new way to perform LASIK surgeries that will dramatically increase hindsight. Clinical trials show that making corrective incisions on the cornea, and then inverting it, will improve hindsight by up to 80%. According to Dr. Cunningham, the results are very dramatic. "Some people leave here with hindsight that is so clear, they are completely miserable about most of their lives."
|
|