Thursday, March 21st, 2002
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3:36 pm - Dream Interpretation.....
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I have an assignment in my Psychology class to read the following letter to Freud containing the Dream of Mary Fields. The Professor would like us to write what our response would be if a close friend related this dream to us and asked what we made of it. I thought it was interesting so I thought I'd give you guys a chance to say what you think about it.
November 11th, 1927
Professor Sigmund Freud,
Bertggasse 19,
Vienna, Austria
Dear Professor Freud:
I am writing you because I have a great many of your books and admire you immensely and also because I hope you can help me. In the event that you find yourself too busy to do so I hope that you can tell me who I can go to that will be able to overcome the difficulty.
My desired information is concerning dreams, or rather a dream. First I should like to know the meaning of the dream and secondly whether it will have any direct meaning or reference on my future. I must sound as if I wanted you to be a fortune teller or the like but this is not so because I realize that a man of your fame certainly would be anything but. You see among your books I have read your views on dreams and I thought you might be able to help me. Now to go on with the dream and the series of events connected with it. I mention the events previously connected with the dream because if I remember your text on Dream Psychology rightly, you spoke many times of previous occurrences often times having a great deal of influence on dreams. Now for the basis of this letter.
But a short tow months ago, I met a young man who since has held a great fascination for me. Not being of age as yet of course my parents tyrannize over me in many respects and one of them happens to be the choosing of my friends. Possible you may think me an ungrateful child but still it is only a few short months until I reach the age of independence. Perhaps also I ought to mention the fact that I am the only child of our family. In the case of this young gentlemen there have been some very hard words spoken. The reason for this is that the young man in question is an Italian and of course is Catholic. My parents are thorough bred Americans and also are of the Protestant Religion and although they are not snobbish they feel that in going around with an Italian I am going around with some one who is not my equal. Of course the religious part of it comes in pretty strong as neither father of mother have a very strong love for the Catholic Religion. As for my self it does not bother me at all for I feel that because a person happened to be born into a family of the Catholic or Jewish Religion is nothing against them. In fact if I want to marry either a Jewish or Catholic fellow you may rest assured that I shall do so. But how well I shall accept that religion is another question.
The fascination which this young man has for me has twice transported us into a forbidden paradise, it is also a fool's paradise, leaving us forgetful of every day morals and conventions. Before I met the young man in question he had been going steady with a girl of his own station in life and was going steadily enough with her so that she was wearing his ring, but since he had practically given her up entirely and devoted his time for me. Those are the circumstances leading up to the dram. Now for the dream.
I saw myself sitting in a place that was unfamiliar to me still I seemed to be very much at home. It seemed to be a place poorly furnished so it could not have been home for our place is very beautifully furnished. My uncle, rather my mother's brother, and my father were sitting on the front porch talking and as it was a very hot day I was seated inside by an open window fanning my self, and while I was dreaming as I sat there the door bell rang. Upon answering the ring I found the brother of my Italian friend, he was dreaded very peculiarly wearing the modern civilian clothes of the average American but with a large gaudy colored Mexican Sombrero on his head. We passed the time of day and for several minutes conversed politely on daily news topics of interest, the both of us standing up he on the porch and (me) in the house. He did not disclose the object of his visit until he was ready to depart when he handed me a letter saying that it was from his brother. As a partying remark he told me that he was coming into the city to see me next week and that probably there would be four of five other fellows along with him. To which I replied that I would be glad to see them. Upon the he left. In the meantime my father and uncle seemed to have disappeared when they went I have no recollection of but when I answered the door bell they were not upon the porch. The young man who called upon me lives in a small town not far from my summer home and that is why he told me he was coming into see me.
Well I opened the letter and I can still see the expression of horror, dismay, and despair which was shown on my face. The letter told me that this young Italian boy had been married on the after noon of October 17th to a Miss Mildred Dow. I cannot account for the girl's name because it is not the name of the girl to whom he was formerly engaged or even her initials. The name I cannot account for as I have never known any one by the whole name given above or event the last name.
Well in my despair I happened to look down on a small table standing near me and saw a large brass paper knife with a sharp edge. Grabbing the thing up I struck myself a hard blow around the region of the heart ( I must sound quite dramatic, but I assure that I was and am far from feeling that way). I remember first was the somewhat like the eternal thrill and it passed into something more powerful, lasting and serious, which cannot possibly be explained. I distinctly remember dropping to the floor without the slightest cry or shudder. I say myself laying on the floor on my right side with my legs drawn up and my left hand outstretched and my right hand still clutching the paper knife. At this time I awoke and I was somewhat startled to find myself lying in the same position in bed as I was when I last say myself lying on the floor presumably dead. Upon awakening I found the tears coursing down my face and it took me some little time before I could control myself. The next day I found myself thrown into the worst case of blues or dejection or whatever you want to call it and it was an impossibility to pull myself out of it. This comes back to me after I have been thinking about the dream and trying to find a solution of it myself.
This dream occurred during the early morning of the 18th of October. I hope that you will not think me bold for telling you the things I have and also for writing you and asking the favor that I have. If I have annoyed you with my troubles please dear Professor Freud forgive me I really did not intend to. Please believe when I say that. And also please won't you help me for there seems to have been nothing on my mind but this confounded dream and as I am a stenographer it does not pay to have my mind occupied with anything other then business during business hours. I feel perhaps that just writing to you and waiting a reply will relieve the sense of something formidable hanging over me which was caused by the dream.
Awaiting you reply, I am thanking you now for whatever help you can be to me, and begging you to pardon me for bothering you with my troubles.
Sincerely yours,
Mary Fields
current mood: None
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10:22 am - What a Dreary Day
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Well, in trying to help someone feel better.... I've only succeeded in making both of feel like shit. Maybe I should rethink going into psychology.
I used to be able to help people feel better.... that was what I did. But I've lost that gift.
Plus, I've finally realized that as much as it hurts, and as much as I don't want to... I have to let go of something that once meant a great deal to me. I don't want to... but it's the right thing to do. The only way to move on is to let go.... at least for right now. Maybe one day I'll get it back.
I've been walking around feeling like complete shit all week. And I've just realized I don't want to feel bad any more. I'm making a command decision. I will do what I have to... I will use my will-power.... I will feel good... and when I don't I will write.
I'm going to make myself write for at least 20 minutes in my paper journal everyday. I'm going to post at least one online journal entry every (non school) day. I'm going to make myself study for at least 1 hour on school days... and 2 hours on non school days. I will limit myself to 2 hours on the computer every day. I will walk for 1 hour every day.
This is just to start with... before I know it I'll doing more good and less bad.
Yeah! I feel better... :) .... I wish I could make someone else feel better.... but I'm letting go.... so I won't think about that anymore.
current mood: crushed then better....
current music: Lean On Me....
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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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5:37 pm - Why.....
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I hurt right now.... I know I just have to let go for good. He's right... once the trust is lost you can't get it back.
current mood:  disappointed
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Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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3:53 pm - Oh, What A Long Day!
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This day has just dragged so long. I'm just so ready to go home.
I'm going to the St. Patrick's Day Parade at my aunt's house on Sunday. Most of my family will be there. We picked up some cute little pins for everyone to wear. And, even though they can't go, I'm sure we will catch a load of stuff for the kids.
I took my Trig. test today and it sucked. But I think I did pretty well. I hate my teacher.... he's a real jerk.
My Art History teacher had to go and get sick and he cancelled class on Tuesday and we had a Sub today and he STILL hasn't finished our tests.... I mean I know he's sick.... but I really want to know how I did. He's a nice guy though so I do hope he gets to feeling better soon.
You know.... sometimes, even when you're righting, you say things that you never think people will take too seriously and it surprises you when they do. I don't know, I guess I'm just not that serious minded and I just go with the flow. Few things bother me greatly and fewer things get me worked up enough to have an emotional opinion on.
But I guess that's the cool thing.... people are so different... but at the same time so much the same.
I heard on the News yesterday that the Jury didn't go for the Insanity Plea on the Yates Mother and convicted her. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. I just think it's horrible. In my psychology class (a couple of months ago) we watched a tape that showed a postpartum mother who drowned her infant daughter in a lake and went home. She didn't even have any recollection of it. It was heartbreaking to watch. I mean the guilt you would always feel for having killed your own child. I know it's terrible. But I'm just not read up enough on the Yates case to make an intelligent opinion on if she is or isn't responsible. I just can't imagine losing all my children like that in day. It would tear me apart and I'm sure there would be nothing left of me to contribute to the world at all.
I'm really just trying to waste away the hour I have before I can leave school. I just don't have anything I need to do right now. If I could sleep in public I'd go to the lobby (sleep) area of the library and take a nap. Oh well.
I ran into my Aunt Vikki today. She had a test today too. I hope she did well. She's such an awesome person. I miss seeing her.
Well, I guess I'm going to go find something else to do because I can't think of anything else to say right now.
LATER...... GOOD NIGHT ALL!
current mood:  anxious
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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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8:59 am - Good Morning
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Nothing renders you more helpless than the memories you feel when hearing an old familiar song.
Yes... my weekend was spent (in part) by downloading songs.
If I've made any obviously blatant typing/grammar mistakes... forgive me.... I foolishly stayed up all night reading. And I'm having the hardest fucking time typing... well actually thinking in general is giving me trouble this morning. I think it's the groggy weather is making the sleep deprivation worse.
Later guys...
current mood: fucking sleeepppyy
current music: Say My Name - Destiny's Child
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Friday, March 8th, 2002
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11:26 am
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I swear.... it never fails.... the ONE day I want to sleep late..... and someone wakes me the fuck up. Today it was my dad. He had no reason to get me.... he just did. I don't understand. Urrgghh!!!!!
I'm going to review the stuff I took my tests on yesterday and study the stuff I know I missed. Then I think I'm going to figure out how to give my journal a new look. I have some extra time and I'm bored with the way my journal looks.
Ah.... well have a good day everyone..... it's really pretty out today.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Love is Blind - Eve
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Thursday, March 7th, 2002
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3:35 pm - Blah... I'm A Bubble Head Today.... Need sleep....
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I think it's a combination of lack of sleep and stress that made me sound like a bubble head in my last post. I don't know. But all my tests are over for today and I'm start to relax now. I think I did pretty well on my Art History test too. So I feel pretty good. But when I get my grades back and they're decent I'm going to kick myself and think about what I could've made if instead of saying all day that I would start studying in 30 minutes, I would have actually started studying. :) I go through weird phases like this sometimes... but I'm back in the mode at least. So next time will be better.
current mood:  relaxed
current music: I Want You To Want Me
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12:37 pm - La, la, la la la, la la la la.... I love the smurfs. :)
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Good day everyone.... I think I'm an expert on putting things off until the last minute. Crown me Queen now. I have/had 3 tests today. I stayed up until 4:00 in the morning not studying for them.... but planing to. :) At least I lucked out this time. I did enough studying for Trig. to do well on the test.... and remembered the lectures from Psyc. well enough to do well on that one too. Now I have 2 hours to learn (almost) all of the material covered so far in Art History this semester..... Its'our first test of the semester. Good luck to me. I think I'll crash when I get home tonight.... hhhmmmmm sounds good to me.
Have a terrific day everyone. :)
current mood:  awake
current music: Stuck in a Moment
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Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
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8:52 am
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Well, I had a great time in Baton Rouge this weekend. Once again... thanks for picking me up Augustus. :) You're such a sweetie. By the way myst... hmmmm... that stew was soooo good. You have to make it again sometime. ;P
That will be my last visit for a while though. I'm going to try and concentrate on things at home for a while now... so I can become a resident of B.R. again that much sooner. Plus... I'm just really sick on depending on other people for things I should be doing myself. I just usually end up feeling bad about myself afterwards... you know? And I'm trying to cut out all the things in my life that make me not like who I am.
I should start training for my new job (if they have any training sessions starting at these times *fingers crossed*) either the week before or the week of my spring break. That will be 2 weeks. Then I'll have transition for 2 weeks and if I pass... I'll graduate. :) But I'm going to start volunteering at the public library to get me into the swing of things until then. At least I'll be doing something to make myself feel useful until I get a real job.
The only thing that sucks is that I won't be able to babysit for my favorite little rugrats this summer like I usually do. I'll miss that. I've been doing it for going on 4 years now. But alas... such is growing up and taking on real responsibilities.
Have a good morning everyone. :)
current mood: oh so tired..... *yawn*
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Friday, March 1st, 2002
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12:36 pm - Plip, Plop....
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It's such a lazy rainy day..... which is really bad for me since I have a ton of homework to do today. :)
I just feel like crawling back into bed. *yawn*
Augustus is just the coolest person in the world. She going to meet me somewhere and drive me up to Baton Rouge to party this weekend. :) It's rare to meet someone as kind as she is.... Virtuoso is a pretty luck guy.
Of course all my teachers are piling tests on me at the same time again. Midterm in Psychology, Test in Trigonometry, & Test in Art History - All next Thursday. But hey.... if could handle last semester, I can handle this. :)
current mood:  groggy
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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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4:03 pm - 30 Minutes Until I Can Go Home.......
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I love the way little things can make you feel like you're on top of the world. I love my friends. They're so awesome. What more could I ask for in life. I'd rather be jobless, carless, and stuck in hell.... than to lose my friends. Plus things are looking up in all those departments.
Wanna hear something funny? My brother told me when he got his insurance money in from his wreck if he had enough left over he would help me get a car. But that the title would stay in his name and if I fell 2 months behind in paying him he'd take it back and sell it... which is why the title would stay in his name. :) hahahaha
I love my brother but...
(1) I would never give him a bone to hang over my head (well, I paid for your car...) &
(2) If I don't have a job right now how in the hell am I going to pay him monthly notes on a car?
current mood:  giddy
current music: Ordinary World
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8:41 am
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You know.... I've been feeling oddly good the last couple of days. I think it's nuts that a person can get to the point where feeling good is a weird thing. Something they don't quite know how to handle. But it's nice to be feeling like my old self.
My brother and I were going to go to Baton Rouge and hang out Saturday night.... I figured it would be the last time for a long time I would be able to go.... but alas.... we won't be able to make it. So everyone... have fun, relax, and enjoy the weekend. You have all been way to stressed lately.
Anyway, I guess I'll spend the weekend getting caught up in a couple of my classes... I'm going to be having some big tests coming up soon and I need to be prepared. It'll be much easier too since I'm feeling better.
current mood: still waking up...
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8:37 am - Thought For The Day
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What kind of friend dumps you just because you don't agree with something they have done? Not a real one I'm thinking. Of course that's just me.
current mood: okay
current music: Sweet Dreams - Eurythmics
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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1:33 pm - Thanks to the one who tells half truths.....
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It's amazing how one kind sentence from one kind soul can raise your spirits and make you feel so much better.
Thanks hon! ;p
current mood:  loved
current music: Last Unicorn Theme - America
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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1:52 pm - Pleasantly Surprised
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Well, I sadly had to leave Baton Rouge Monday morning. I wasn't looking forward to the drive home with my father since I was told he would be lecturing me on the fact that the only thing I got excited about was going to Baton Rouge to hang out with my sister's friends.
It turned out to be a surprisingly good talk though. He didn't say anything remotely close to that statement and was shockingly supportive. He basically said he'd noticed that I seemed to be depressed and that becoming more aggressive in controlling my life would make me feel a whole lot better. And get this..... he even said to do what I thought was best for me.... even if it was something he didn't agree with.... to please myself. I was rather blown away.
Don't get me wrong.... he did say some stuff that pissed me off. And even though he didn't say it to me, I am angry about his reference to my friends. But I'm just glad it didn't go the way I was expecting.... I know I couldn't have handled it and probably would've ended up bawling.
But even though I still feel shitty.... I feel sort of refreshed today.... of course this morning I could not wake myself up... I was so sluggish.... It's just nice to like who I am today... even if it only lasts for today.
:)
By the way.... Myst's place looks fantastic..... people who saw it before and after the move were amazed... it didn't even look like the same place. It feels kind of good to know I was a part of making it happen... of course it's majorly thanks to Ballerina, Brah, and Myst. Their visions and their work. I can't wait to go back for another visit.
current mood:  exanimate
current music: FRAGGLE ROCK!!!!!
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Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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3:05 pm
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You know... so many thoughts are running through my head right now... but I just can't bring myself to say any of them. I don't know... bad things, good things, sad things, whiney stupid things.... thing I want to say but at the same time don't want to say......
I'm just relieved that my last class of the day is over with. This day has ddddrrrraaaaagggggeeeeeeddddd oooonnnn ssssssoooooooo lllllllloooooooonnnnnnnggggggg. But it's almost over! aAl I have to do is wait for Curt to get out of his last class and we're off to Baton Rouge. Hopefully something has been worked out and I'll be painting tonight. We'll see.
current mood: awake
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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3:19 pm
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Well, I went to Baton Rouge this past weekend. I hung out with all my favorite people. But I felt like shit the whole weekend. I don't know... but I think it's because I've been sick. I felt so bad that I skipped all my classes and slept in the library the before I went up there Thursday night. I'm going back this weekend to help myst move.... hopefully.... if she is moving this weekend.
Ballerina is rescusing a dalmation puppy and we started work on clearing out a pen close by her house. We'll see how it works out.
current mood:  sick
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Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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8:46 am - TODAY IS GOING TO SUCK!
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Urgh! I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't feel like doing anything, but at the same time I WANT to do everything. I really wish I could find a job. I feel like the biggest sponge in the world. And on top of it I'm not even keeping up in school.
At least I have Mardi Gras break coming up and Becky's flying in, and I'm going to see my gang this weekend. All that combined should get me back on track.... but one thing it won't do is get me a job. A friend of my dad's did say he wanted me to get his books straight after Mardi Gras.... so I'll be earning my keep for a little while anyway.
It's pretty sad when It's only 8:50 in the morning and you already wish the day were over.
P.S. I HATE my mood icons.... I don't know why the had to get rid of the ones I liked.
current mood: disappointed
current music: Crutch - Matchbox 20
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Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
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8:03 am - No School For Me Today!
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Well, I'm at home right now instead of at school like I should be. We were supposed to ride with my friend Jamie but she spent the night in Hammond and didn't call to let us know.... which normally wouldn't be a problem except that there's something wrong with my brother's fuel pump so we couldn't drive today.
I have a couple of assignments to turn in today.... I guess I'll just type them up and email them to the professors.
My Best Bud, Becky, is coming down from Boston on Friday. I can't wait to see her. She should put me in a better mood than I've been in lately.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Match Box 20 - Last Beautiful Girl
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Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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4:08 pm
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Okay! I'm pissed now... I had to pick new mood icons because they don't have the one's I was using before. I really liked my mood icons and now I have stupid stars. Urgh.
current mood: pissed off
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