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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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12:02 am - Water seeping through my veins
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I should have more important things to say, or at the very least, more things to say than what I have. I've gone two weeks without posting a damned thing, and it's mostly because I've been, one again, lethargic.
To recap, not a whole lot has gone on in all of that time. Let's see.
I worked nine days straight so I could get my birthday off because Justin (Idaho) was supposed to come over the weekend of my birthday. Complications arose and he was unable to. Sadness.
I dyed my hair.
I turned twenty without much fanfare or event and some tasty cake. Saturday, I went down to Portland and hung out with Melanie, saw Kill Bill vol 2, did some drinking (orange liquer, couldn't be beat) and came back up on Sunday for the ballet. We were late, traffic, the stupid train being late, ended up missing Serenade. Saw all of Carmina Burana, though, or I would've, if I wasn't so damned tired and didn't doze off in the middle. Stupid dark theatres. The ballet was awesome, almost started crying to the opening strains of "O Fortuna". I'd definitely go to the ballet again.
Twenty feels weird. I'm older, I'm not a teenager anymore but I can't drink. I need to sum up how I feel about this more.
current mood:  confused
current music: Balligomingo - Beneath the Surface - 03 - Falling
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18 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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6:15 pm - And we wonder what we're doing in a place like this
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Let's see what an exciting week it's been.
Spent the beginning of last week over Allen's dorm while he had his wisdom teeh pulled, got to meet his mother. She's a good deal nicer than mine is, that's for certain, at least from the impression I get. That's something that I've started to take into account, the way your parents present themselves when in the presence of their children's friends. But maybe that's just because my mother had so many faces and all of the problems that I encountered when one of my friends refused to believe me that my mother was doing or saying the things she had been. Talk about an eye opener, that was something depression at the time but I think I've just learned to shrug that sort of thing off. Anyhow, back to the week in review. Ended up seeing Fight Club for the first time while I was over, one of those movies that my sister told me that I -had- to see. So I saw it.
Work's been fine. Getting used to the whole full time grind again and back into the swing of things, as it were. Still loathing the fact I have to be up at ass early just to get there, but hey, it's money and it's good. Getting into the habit of drinking coffee in the morning, at least for the caffeine boost, still loading it up with cream and sugar, and sometimes following in one of the people I work with's footsteps and adding a little bit of fudge. Olivia also adds vanilla icecream to the mix or something like that, but that's just a little too far for me. Slightly annoyed with the fact that what cash I had in my wallet this last past Sunday was stolen out of my purse from the breakroom. Now, I understand it's my fault for having left it in there, but that still means that there's someone at work whose doing that sort of thing. Nothing else was taken out of it, and nothing else was of any value in there, certainly not the book I had or even my debit card, which not only requires the PIN but the fact it's got my picture on it. I'm irritated about that, but hey, it's one more learning experience, I suppose.
Sadness to say that I won't be able to go to ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040428021908im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) yllis's wedding. I could still go, I suppose, but when I think about it more, with only two paychecks under my belt and the ticket already at $400 right now, it's just probably -better- for me that I don't. Woe. But there's not much else I can do about it. I owe my sister money and when I get that paid off, the better I'll feel about it all, I have to say. I'll have to send not only my regrets of not being able to attend, but the promise of shopping sprees to Tanchan for whenever we -do- get to meet.
This last weekend had been something of an interesting affair. Went over to Allen's and watched some Fruits Basket after work, the next day, I came home from work and made spaghetti and meatballs. It was the first time I had tried to make meatballs and combining a recipe from my stepmother and the one in the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook, they turned out rather tastily. I was rather pleased with the entire thing and had to tell -everyone- that I was a master chef just to bloat my ego s'more. While I was cooking, I had my mom call (gasp) and caught up on stuff with her, actually. It makes her feel less alienated, I suppose, not really sure, but I was in a phone-talking sort of mood and there's always someone that will -always- talk no matter what. That's my mother!
I was filled in on the gossip revolving around my younger sister, much to my... perverse sense of glee on some subjects. Specifically that she's moved onto someone else to shower with affection, or something like that. This is coming from my mother so I don't really know how much of it is the truth. Mandy's not really talking to me much after the whole Marcus debacle and my intense displeasure that one of -my- friends should be persuing my sister. The whole mix of family and friends does not work well with me and I refuse to be burned by it again. I had to remember to keep my mouth shut about the information regarding Mandy's... lack of judgement a few weeks ago at a party that resulted in quite the stupid move on her part. I'm still not sure who reads this journal, actually, and with no intention to lock the entry, I'll be enigmatic about the details. Suffice to say, I just had to remember to not inform my mother of it, if only because if I wasn't supposed to have known to begin with, than I doubt my mother was. Gotta love those people that can't keep secrets to save their life.
Yesterday, I went with Allen to Seattle to pick up his roommate, Devon, from Union Station. On the radio, I heard that the Pacific Northwest Ballet was going to be performing "Carmina Burana" in a few weeks, over the weekend of both my birthday and my sister's. Remembering that Cory likes that particular piece of music, I got the idea to go and see it, despite the fact that neither of us have -ever- been to the ballet before. The closest thing we have been to the ballet is like... dance recitals when we were kids in New Hampshire, and somehow, I think that's not really an accurate comparison. I sprang the idea on her last night, and she thinks it'll be fun, so when I get paid next week, I'll purchase tickets for us ($62 a person for the seats I want) and inquire on the dress code. Even if we end up bored to tears with the dancing, hopefully, the fact that we're both classically musically trained will allow us to just enjoy the ballet itself.
Today's project is sugar cookies. Why? Because I like sugar cookies. The dough's chilling in the fridge at the moment and won't be ready for another two hours.
I particularly love it when telemarketers call asking for "Mrs Owens" looking for my sister. And then they ask for "Cory" as though they weren't the same person. Anyone who makes both of those mistakes can't possibly be really looking for my sister to begin with. Morons.
current mood:  weird
current music: Hoobastank - The Reason
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14 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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9:33 pm - You're a damned kind, can't you see?
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Happy Murphy's Birthday! Well, at least it -is- his fourteenth birthday and he's spent the majority of the time I've been home trying to bath, or talking to the music that I've been playing. Bad news, he pulled some of the new feathers he had gotten in on his chest, but there's still some there, so it looks like he may have stopped with that. For now.
I have to correct on the last entry, though, that sailorpluto was absolutely right. The Princess Bride wasn't an abridged version. Damn, it kinda makes me wonder what I -had- been reading before... or if I'm taking someone else's story for my own or something. Maybe I never read the book before? That's likelier than anything else, actually, but meh. Oh well. I did have to do some searching to ascertain to me. The whole notion drives me up a wall, especially as that I was duped so bad. Mwah. It's fun, though. And kudos to William Goldman for playing such a fantastic joke on the literary community. That was fantastic.
Let's see what else. It's been two weeks or so since last I posted, and I'm rather slacking when it comes to that. Let's just say that I've gotten a new found respect for not only the restaurant business, but the fast food industry. At least so far as the people who work in these places, on a local level. If I ever get put on drive through, I will probably repent my sins for hanging out with Erik and ordering food in the most obnoxious voices that we could think of. Such as the infamous, "chickadee newgets and frenchidy fries" order. Yeah, that was great fun, even better was the Penny Game. The Penny Game, naturally, intailing trying to throw pennies from the back seat of his car into the Jimmy Fund box or whatever it was that hung below the drive through window. Oh yeah, doing this from either the car behind, or from the passenger's side of the vehical. Or both. (The plethora of pennies came from the back of his car, which Erik was deligently trying to fill with pennies for some reason. He said he was going to eventually plate the outside of the car with them, but got hard up for cash and ended up bringing them all to a bank. He had something like $10 back there in just pennies.)
For some reason, at this particular moment, Tim's watching -something- on Britney Spears, and in all honesty, it's somewhat frightening. I hate having to hear these things sometimes. Can't wait to sink my teeth into my own PC where I can hide away and not listen to anyone else's television or movies. Huzzah!
Back on the work thing, I've been getting rather good hours. First week was 28 hours, last week was 37, this week's was 29 and next week is 38. So, I really can't complain as far as that sorta thing goes, right? It's money. And money is good. I just need to keep reiterating that to myself.
So now, the long term plan is to get into college by this fall, community college at first, of course, and then transferring out to something else. Quite possibly, eventually back up to Seattle (hoorah for Seattle), because we all know how much I'm in love with that city. Not sure what I'm going to do after that, but fall semester is definitely the plan. I'll have to get that all taken care of after my birthday, call up Uncle Bill and get the cash released from my trust fund so I can pay for it. Huzzah. It'll just be odd going back to school after two years off, I suppose. And granted, that two years ago, I wasn't really that studious to begin with. Fuck, I mean, I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth -and- summer school, on top of that. So who knows. Definitely a different scenario when you're sitting there, two years out of high school, working at Mc Donald's and living with your sister at the age of twenty. It's rather humbling.
Cory had a nasty cold last week, which ended up forcing her to stay home from work the entire time. I seem to have gotten it, but she assured me it wouldn't get as bad as hers. She's got allergies and from it? I think, a susceptiability to sinus infections, especially when she's off her antihystemines. Coupled with that, she got an ear infection and a case of bronchitis. Ick. I do not want to follow down that path in the least. Especially not with my predicted probability of colds moving into my lungs if they aren't taken care of. Which is why I've been popping the decongestants and vitamin C like candy. Of course, that's my usual regiment. So right now, I've just got the stuffed up head and a slight nasal drip which is causing my somewhat sore throat. Some losanges that I had bought in Seattle last year, and I'm good to go. Drinking lots of fluids, too.
Tim's changed the channel from the Britney Spears thing, to Enterprise and now to something on the History Channel, TLC or the Discovery Channel that's on the capture of Saddam Hussein. Bizzare. I don't suppose that my television habits are any better, though, not when I've been known to flip between I Love the 80s, the Headbanger's Ball and That 70s Show on whim.
On a completely different, random note... I've decided to participate in Tazlure's moderator seminar for the next couple of weeks. Actually, I was invited to do so, by someone, not sure which mod it was, and I decided to do it. It's been rather interesting so far, though, this is only week two. The latest 'assignment' that has to be done is about creating a plot and threadline, and we have two weeks to do it. There's something a bit daunting in that seeing as that they gave us so much time to complete it. I'm not sure how I feel about that, as a whole, but it's certainly going to give me a good deal to think about, when I'm not focusing on something else. I guess I just have to keep thinking about this as a whole... like, essay of sorts, creative writing project. Just not sure how I'll be able to do that. It's been nice playing in Tazlure, to some degree, because it's definitely giving me something to and there's a good deal of room in which to expand and create more. I like that aspect especially. I suppose that I owe thanks to ryandm for that, as it were, seeing as that he was the one who pointed the forums out to me last summer. I did finally join, about six months later as the world stopped turning.
Oh, on yet another random note... My Dahlia CD has some fucking nasty scratch on it that I don't even know how it got there. And that pisses me off to no fucking end. I love that CD. Speaking of CDs, though, Zeromancer's latest album, "ZZYZX" absolutely rocks. I intend on getting a real copy of it soon, now that it's been released in the US.
Ah well, no more tips on how to live the rockin' life. Drinking root beer from a martini glass. That's my next project.
current mood:  sick
current music: Queen - The Show Must Go On
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7 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2004
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3:55 am - Can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?
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You would think that having grown up with a movie like "The Princess Bride" I would've read the original book a loooong time ago. I have vague memories of trying, to tell the truth, when I was in elementary or middle school... And then I guess I got completely stumped at some point and never finished it. Having finally read the abridged version of the book by William Goldman (the same man who wrote the screenplay for the movie), I understand -why- I never read the original as a child. Because, there's apparently, roughly two hundred pages, give or take some, removed from the abridged copy. My most favourite mention of this hacking down of literature happens to be where he (Goldman) describes that he removed 56 pages of packing. Sure, apparently the book was originally meant to be this sort of satire of the lives of royality and the like, and this whole lengthy description of packing was making fun of all the clothing and accounterments that women have when they travel. I bet it was amusing, but rather tedious to read through if you want the actual -story-. Or, if you're anything like me and wanted to actually read the book one of your favourite childhood movies was based upon. In which case, just read the abridgement. Having never read the original, I suppose that's rather jaded of me to say, but if Goldman had the gist of it, then you don't need to know about the hundred pages that removed describing all the training Buttercup underwent through the three years after she was engaged to Humperdinck.
With that little review of the book finished, I can plow on through to the next topic.
I have hours in which to be working this coming week. Hoorah. Now, still not thrilled with the job (nor the hours, 6am?! christ, must stop being up -this- late before Monday morning), but the fact it -is- a job is all that matters. And that it will bring me cash. And that cash will bring me things to entertain me. And that with cash, I can work towards things like a license (fucking scary, I still don't want to learn to drive, but if ryandm has anything to say about it, I shall have to) and then maybe eventually a car. And then, if the plan goes well, I'll contact my Uncle Bill and make the nessecary arrangements to obtain money from my trust fund and head back to school. Doing what? Who knows, but general studies just to get me back into things. Two years after I graduated, ah well, better late than never, I suppose.
And there is absolutely nothing better than fresh pesto that's still warm. So tasty. Had that for dinner, it was tasty in my tummy and I was happy for it.
Job. First paycheck. Must switch back my clock before Monday night. Just went through something of a panic because I thought it was Saturday night because Cory was home today. S'all good, dek0n set me straight.
Alright, so to make more sense, I'm still thinking it's Friday. Why? Because I haven't gone to sleep yet, therefore, it's still Friday. After I wake up, it will be Saturday. This only changes in the rare case I stay up all bloody day. I don't have any intention of doing that again. My thirty-eight hour awake time was more than enough. This does not mean I did not love the aborted-Evanescence concert hang out, to all of you who were involved in that. In fact, I want to see you all again. Someday. Soonish.
That reminds me. Back up plans are always in effect. If I don't have the money to attend yllis's wedding, Sakura Con I shall attend. I'll know and have all of these plans by April. And it's pretty much the hotel costs that will really screw me over. Argh. Stupid money. Even if it's converted over to Canuckbucks... *Stabbity stabs things.*
PS - Drinking grape Koolaid from a beer mug is great. It's almost as good as milk from a wineglass. Just like drinking milk from a wineglass, drinking Koolaid from a beer mug is satisfying. Why you might ask was I drinking my grape flavoured Koolaid from a mug of that stature? Pretty much becase all of the other glasses were in the dishwasher. That does not take away from the mystique, however. I heartily recommend this to anyone who wants a bit of careless decadence.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Theatre of Tragedy - A Distance There Is
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13 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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2:56 am - When I close my eyes
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As before, not a whole lot really going on. I had orientation for work last Wednesday and now I'm just waiting for my uniform to get in before I can actually start working. Kinda amusing that is, but not much can be done about it. So I wait! And we gleefully plot over what to do with a steady income. Hooray.
Today was fascinating, for the most part, really. I hung out with allenchan the majority of the day, got picked up around 1:30 or 2 this afternoon, got back in sometime after midnight. Spend the majority of the time watching AMVs and "Equilibrium" (which was a kickass movie) in his dorm room. And harassing people we knew online. That was all in grand fun, I wish I had thought to save the conversation we were having with Mel, if only because of the whole debacle of strawberry syrup, whip cream and Mel's corpse... Sounds bad. It was. And somewhat entertaining if only because Mel kept typing things like ")&@!$)(&!@#()*!!" and all.
I don't really have all that much to report. Boring life that I lead. Must change that. Soon. Before I murder and maim. Will have to get back to Seattle soon.
Would like to mention that I still lub you, lohakilo and I hope everything goes well at your family get together this week. And that I hope your dad's not a complete fucking moron. And that you and I should escape to some tropical island and make Sonsitopia a real fucking country. It would be mostly a matriarch, given the nature of the Sonsies and all of that, but that really cannot be helped as it were. Oh well, it would still be entertaining.
Oh, and I found out that one of my Changeling: the Dreaming sourcebooks, "Land of Eight Million Dreams" that I snagged while I was still living in Calimafornia, was sighted online and going for no less than $90. According to someone on the new VH on Sorcery. That makes me glee in quiet anticipation, not that I'm interested in selling my copy. And beyond that? The local comic/gaming store has a bunch of books (old and out of print copies, at that) that I must obtain. Thanks, Allen. Money = teh devil.
current mood:  amused
current music: Blink 182 feat. Robert Smith - All of This
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11 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004
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1:32 am - The palest nights are yours
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I know I should update this thing but I've been rather lazy about it. I want to write, but I don't... It's like there's something to say, but I feel ever so apathetic about saying it. Still, there's nothing wrong with forcing an update and editing out the things that I don't feel like talking about for a later entry.
The most exciting things that happened recently have to be that FFXI billed -me- for Peter's fucking account, even though I had had my Visa card removed from the account in December. Apparently they canceled the account or something, but never removed the number from it. Cory doesn't believe that it was an accident, as it were. Me? I don't know what the hell I think about it, it's been rectified and I'm waiting for the bank to send me a new check card since I had them block and cancel the old one. I have the PIN for the new one (hooray) and I'm waiting on the card now... Tuesday or Wednesday, I imagine.
The other exciting thing would be that after three months of looking, I finally landed a job. It's not something that I'm pleased about, or rather, it's not -somewhere- that I'm pleased to call employment on... however, it's a job (even if it's at McDonalds; god, that gives me the creeps and makes me want to crawl under the face of the planet to get away from -that- particular truth). And just because I have a job there, does not mean that I can't look for a job -elsewhere-. Money is money and god knows that I can't live on my sister's charity forever, so this is good insofar that it's a job. Self esteem to be working at McDonald's is likely to plummet to all new lows, but it's a job. It will give me money, it will let me pay rent, it will let me go to Canada for Tan-chan's wedding (fuck yeah you will see me there) and it will let me buy stuff that I want to buy. Why do I feel greasy already?
So, with the removal of all that ickiness, I'm pleased about getting a job. Just as a means to get money. Amazon will be getting a massive order for CDs sooner or later.
Valentine's Day I spent at Wendy's because Cory wanted the house alone with Tim. It was cool, I suppose, I resent being shipped off like I'm nothing more than a nuisance, though. I guess it's just one thing that I have to cope with, but I really don't like the whole invisible feeling that I've been getting. Or the "wish you weren't here" feeling. Seems as though there's really no place that I can be that I'm not putting someone or something out. God... I just had to erase something that was rather accusatory to someone who probably would flame me for saying it. Oh well, that will go into a locked entry they can't read at some later date.
Such is life. Hooray.
Note: 2:42am: Also, something fell in my closet and broke a bottle of nail polish. So now my room smells of nail polish. I do not relish the idea of sleeping in there tonight.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Bella Morte - The Rain Within Her Hands
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10 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Monday, February 2nd, 2004
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4:31 pm
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Subject to deletion and editing later.
Overhauling my journal, got the userpics uploaded for the time being. Will work on colours and layout tonight. I almost thought about using that smudgey pic of me as a default icon like I do on the ZMR boards, but thought better of it. For whatever reason. As I said, will do the rest of the journal-hauling tonight, later.
current music: Within Temptation - Mother Earth - 08 - Dark Wings
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3 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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1:46 am - But it's the man upstairs who pulls the strings
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Following such a... emotion heavy post the last time around, it's time to go back with a lighthearted sort of thing. Like looking over the places I've been in the US (all the rage on the journals at the moment, I have to jump on the bandwagon, saw it first on lalenalefay's journal.)
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
That's excluding Colorado, Michigan and Texas, where I've had layovers whilst on my cross country journeying.
And since I took new pics today, I'll post em here, too.
( More pics behind the curtain )
Hooray for me. Or something like that. Anyhow, there's really not much else to say about any of this.
Hung out with allenchan today. His CDs that he brought over to burn off part of my mp3 collection for his devilish uses ended up crashing the PC after trying to burn onto them. For some reason, anyway. It was fun until the burner tried to write to the discs and then, pouf, the thing crashed to hell and back and we had to reboot the machine altogether to make it stop acting stupid. Whilst we were out, I picked up some white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups. How bizarre but surprisingly tastey.
(Margo) So when are you getting that promised Livejournal?
(Melanie) I don't think it will happen. :D
(Melanie) My life is too booring,
(Margo) Mine is too and yet I can still spout pages.
(Melanie) You seem to have plenty of drama to write about, Margo. *g*
(Melanie) I'd be all like 'omg i tripped in class today... '
(Margo) For someone who doesn't get out of the house often, this is true.
(Margo) I wonder how this works.
(Melanie) So do I. :p
(Margo) No really, I don't get how I could be all drama-y without ever really getting out of the house much.
(Melanie) It's your gift?
(Margo) Dear god I hope not.
current mood:  bored
current music: Voltaire - The Man Upstairs (Heavy Drama remix)
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10 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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2:53 pm - With nothing to do you waste away
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My updates in this thing are sporadic at best. This is likely because there really isn't anything going on in my life that's even note worthy to make the cut here. Now, this doesn't really upset me as much as it might have in the past, it's just one of those things that happens that you don't really have any control over.
Despite nothing really going on in my life, it's still a chaotic, dramatic mess, as it's always been, it seems. Sure, the drama factor was down by quite a few points before and it spiked back up following the move back to Washington, and now it's leveled to something trivial. That's just how things are, once again, and while I have nothing to dramatize over, I can always resort to posting lyrics and annoying any and all who read this. Guess what? My journal, I can post whatever I damn well please and if you have a problem with that, you can suck me.
With that said, I have the insatiable urge to post more lyrics, though, which, I don't really know at the moment. I've taken up downloading stuff by L'Ame Immortelle and now, stuff by Tea Party. I don't even know how I found the second, it was in one of my download or receive folders from -someone- and who the culprit is, I've not a clue. It's good stuff, along the lines of rock or alternative, and recommended to any. Music's always been a very important part of my life, especially given that I used to play violin and that all of my family was pretty much musically inclined with the exception of perhaps, my father. I think I'm going to take up making playlists or so of songs I'm listening to on a month to month basis as a musical diary of sorts. And it will probably be posted here.
Moving on, however. I'm worried, to some degree, about my stability here. Since moving back up to Washington, I've still not been able to find a job, despite looking all over the place. This probably wouldn't be so hard if I had a car or something like that, though, I'm not particularly sure on that, given that in Washington you're required by law to have your car insured no matter what. So that's another bill that wouldn't be able to be taken care of without a job.. Ugh, what a mess.
Not the best idea to have moved up here, but I didn't really have a choice. Not when I hear that my father, my precious, darling father whom I had thought so well of, didn't want me to come and visit for Christmas in fear that I would never leave. I don't really get that, personally, especially if I had bought a round trip airline ticket, you know? Ah, well, fucking bastard didn't even have the balls to tell me that to my face, had to find out another way. I really love this family sometimes. Psychotic mother, disowned maternal cousins, an aunt whose in denial, alcoholic uncles, fiesty matriarchal grandmother, neurotic father, awesome stepmother, pretty spiffy sisters, god fearing paternal cousins... It rocks so much.
Back to the bit about the job finding though, it's getting to be difficult and I'm wondering just how much longer Cory will put up with this before she throws me out. It worries me, considerably, but I don't think the whole concept has really sunk in to me. I should be going out every bloody day and yet I can't really find the will to break through my lethargy to actually go and do it. This lack of money is keenly felt, the strain I'm putting on my sister and brother in law is probably going to come to a breaking point sooner or later if I don't get a job.
Bleh. This all just rotates over and over in my mind like some vicious cycle, forcing me to reconsider my value as a person. Not so much that I'm worthless, just that I'm not really contributing very much to the world or even to my family, or more immediately, to this household. At least in California, despite how much I hated living in that pressure of Peter's family and his apathy, I had a job, I had something to do and had some monetary gain in which to throw into the pot. Here? I'm not really doing all that much and it seems as though it's all slipping through my fingers.
Which brings me back to the idea of going back to school. I've had nearly two years off and you would think that that space would mature my mindframe a bit to the point where actually wanting to do well would be forefront. I don't know, who can really say how well that will work? Paying to be failed is a completely different thing than to go to school and spend the tax dollars of your parents.
But what would I do if I went back to school? I can't really think of anything that I would want to do, no matter how much I have. It comes with having no more ambition than to take over the world. World domination sounds keen, but how to get there? Shoot for the moon, fall among the stars, now to just light the cannon to do precisely like that. No incentive, no real, feasible ambition save to marry an old rich guy. Ugh.
Location probably isn't helping at all. On the job factor, I mean. One of the worst unemployment rates in the country and I'm trying to find something so pathetic as a fucking retail job and it's not working. Time to break down the standards, go the way of the Mandora and Dairy Queen or some shit like that. There's not really much hope for it, and it's going to be some sort of blow to my esteem to fall to that level. Can't go on like this forever, school is definitely looking so much more appetizing at least so that I am not stuck like this forever.
Melodramatic as I am, I admit, the option of termination has run through my pathetic little head. Not as something viable, true, but it's been there. No matter how strong people say I am about this or that, I'm not, I give up entirely too easy when it comes to life. Friends, no, love, no... but life, god, throw me a curve ball and I'm out for the count, down on my knees moaning about how hard everything is. I fuck up relationships on a frighteningly common basis and run through the thorns of their scorn to get back to them no matter how much it hurts or how much I bleed... But life?
It's not that I'm really depressed, that much I can say. It's just that I have very little desire to try to stick this all out. The old reasons for my old contemplation of ending my life had been because of that aching loneliness, the sorrow that I thought I felt. Fucking christ, I was thirteen when I was the most serious about it all. I'd just moved. I was an idiot, no kidding, what the hell do you know when you're thirteen? No one understands, no one cares, you could disappear off the face of the planet and no one would notice, and god, how could anyone possibly know how you feel? Selfish little creature that I was, I wonder how I really believed that back in the day.
Now? Now I know that there are people who care about me, if they don't understand me completely or in any degree, it's because I don't want them to or that I don't trust them. The notion to terminate this all is only that, a notion, an idea... simply because I do not have the real willpower to struggle through something so hard as life. Cull me from the gene pool before I breed so there's no apathetic line to follow me.
So there might be that, the lack of willpower and hardcore desire to continue, yet, here I am. So maybe I'm just a contradiction. I haven't really done anything to end my life, I haven't even looked into the means to fulfill something like that and I keep trying to find a job. Perhaps I'm just far more confused than I ever thought.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Zeromancer - Eurotrash - 04 - Chrome Bitch
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10 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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2:06 pm - In ancient times if you were sick, they'd make you bleed
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Peter mailed me my stuff at long last. I have it. Sadness would be that, as expected, one of my contact cases wasn't closed all the way, so one of the lenses dried out. Ironically, it wasn't the case that I was worried about. Never fear, I still have one matching pair of contacts left and single lense of the other. And I'm reveling in the delicious status of my harddrive's reunion to me. The music craving to listen to this or that song is ebbed and I have to reacquaint myself with some of the things that were new before I moved. ("...When did I download Rasputina?" That happened frequently enough.) So now I'm eating my lunch of pesto, listening to my new found love of L'Ame Immortelle, which I have to guess I downloaded from the outset because ZMR had remixed something of theirs. L'Ame Immortelle is pretty good, if you can get around the annoying guy's vocals, focus just on the chick's and if you can forget their somewhat angst-goth tendencies and don't care that half their music is sung in German. What else could be expected, though, from a darkwave band?
The job hunt is still going on. I have to go out tomorrow and see what else I can do about locating employment. This is starting to worry me, to tell the truth, because I know it's straining on Cory and Tim and none of us had thought that it would be so hard to get a job. Should've expected it, though, given that Washington has one of the worst unemployment rates in the country. But I moved up here right before Christmas, but right after the seasonal hiring.
The notion of starting college has sprung up, however... Especially seeing as that when I talked to Uncle Bill at Christmas, he said that using the money from my trust fund would be no problem. Now it's just a matter of doing it, even though I'm not really sure what all I would like to do. Graphic design is always an option, but it's a hard field to get into, or so I've heard, so it almost seems like a waste of time to try. And then there's the idea about attending some sort of cooking program, which is just waaaaay out on the other side of the spectrum, but something I've always pondered about. It would be pretty rocking to be able to cook fantastically and professionally. There all just ideas, I'm going to have to request a course list from SPSCC and peruse it over to see if there's anything that really strikes my fancy.
I've taken up reading a couple of webcomics, most specifically Elf Only Inn, which is totally up my alley because of the basis behind the story: making fun of online roleplaying chat rooms. It's fantastic. I think I have ashwing to thank for showing it to me and thank her I shall.
Now that I have my harddrive back, I think I'm going to overhaul my livejournal some and redo the design and the like. Maybe I'll actually take advantage of my paid features, which I haven't ever, really, save for the servers and userpic capacity. Who knows, but it'll have to be at some time when I'm bored and I have nothing else to do. We'll see, though, I do at least need to change out the pics again.
current mood: contemplative
current music: L'Ame Immortelle - Tiefster Winter (Zeromancer Remix)
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12 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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11:37 pm
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There are 123 people on Livejournal that call me friend and have me added to their lists so that they might read my entries as I post. Now, I realize some of those accounts are inactive at this point, but still, I'm curious, for all those active people that are out there... Why am I on your friends' list?
Curiosity is forcing me to ask and given my poor self esteem (now and in the past), I'm wondering what's interesting enough about me that makes people want to read what I write. Some of you I know in person, some I've talked to online for a long time and others are just people that I've met via Livejournal. But I'm curious, nontheless.
Feel free to post back here.
12:07 am PS: Yeah, those two bold words were reversed earlier.
current mood:  curious
current music: Evanescence - Where Will You Go
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24 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Monday, January 12th, 2004
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2:03 pm - Redemption only comes with a pair of numbered wings
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You thought that life would be so wonderful
You thought that all could be so beautiful
You thought that everything would be so simple
You thought that everything would be so perfect
I'm in a better frame of mind from last night, just prior to going to bed. Once more, there was this chaotic sense of being that was reigning and I was just all over the place emotionally. Not particularly that uncommon, actually, when all things are said and done, just it hasn't been a while. And as usual, falling asleep cured all evils, at the very least, for another day.
The cause for all this anxiety was of something I felt I had to write to someone. I'd been putting it off after obtaining the email address (which, once again, Tanya, I love you and thank you -so- much for giving it to me. I wouldn't have asked if I had my harddrive because it's still in my Outlook address book, but the harddrive isn't here.). It was just one of these, "what the fuck do you say to someone you fucked over who ended up being right in the end"? (Not anyone's strong suit to admit to being a wrong, naive, little bitch and certainly not mine.) Not... that I've had that happen to often in my recollection, and I've certainly never mentioned it to them thereafter... Just, this once, it was the only thing that might have made any sense in this upside down Margo-world, at least to me. The story of my life, right there, things making sense to -me- and to no one else, but I suppose that's just how the world is.
So moving on, after I wrote this email (it didn't take very long -to- write, given I was trying to keep it as short as possible to avoid rambling and boredom of the reader), I was in something of an anxious, nervous, erratic state and my emotion scheme ran all over the place. (Give me a break, I kickbanned Marc in Purgatory because he called me easy after I called them all whores for misspelling 'easy'. Not exactly my finest moment.) Best to just fade into quiet obscurity and continue with the flow of words aimed at the fake husband, who, once again, took it all in remarkable stride. At least I don't try to pick fights with him, contrary to anyone else whom I might be talking to at that particular moment in time.
I felt mortal again last night. Not, that I feel immortal all the time, as it were, just, that I felt like death was so much nearer, and I was more aware that I won't live forever. It's a peculiar, reoccuring sensation, the ebb and flow of that knowledge about me... Normally, the whole mortality thought comes right before the eerie feeling and day dream of dying in a car crash or something, but this time, it was blissfully alone. I'm not going to die just yet, and certainly not by my own hand.
So prior to turning off the computer last night to go to bed, I listened to Dream Theatre's "Wait For Sleep" and then crawled off to my subterranean lair in which I sleep. (For the record, this house is all one floor, there is no basement.) I was going to pop in Evanescence and listen to "Hello" (it suited my mood) and instead just listened to the mixed Assemblage 23 CD I have and fell asleep somewhere in the middle of "Longevity" that I just -had- to stop and listen to rather than fastforwarding all the way to the end to hear "Lullaby" like I had wanted to. Such is life, really and there's no hope for it. So upon waking up, I did precisely that, listened to the song that I had wanted to go to sleep to.
Now, I'm sitting here writing this, whistling and talking at Murphy who seems to rather enjoy the Kovenant's "S.E.T.I." album which is playing on the stereo. ("Stillborn Universe is playing right now, and this has to be one of the best songs off the whole album. Not that I'll complain about the rest of the album, the whole damned thing is rather good.) Murphy's taste in music is rather amusing, he seems to like speed metal and the Kovenant and ZMR for the most part and anything with a lot of noise.
A year and a half ago, one of my friends, Tad, told me that I should never do anything that might I regret, that life is too short to be filled with regret for the things you've done or haven't done. To this younger incarnation of self, this seemed like a damned good piece of advice and since, I've tried to live my life accordingly. I've done rather well, for the most part, and there's been very little that I've wished I could have done differently. Some time later, a year, I think, one of my other, newer friends, Jamie, told me that you can't live without regret. So both, in their way, are correct, but can't we keep the list of regrets a short one? We can certainly try, I suppose, and here's to another year of doing precisely that. Life's too damned short to be spent wondering on the if's that you never took.
On less lofty subjects, though, the snow here is mostly gone. It's melted in the normal temperatures of the area and there's very little of it left in our yard, thank god. I don't like the snow.
The job hunt is the same as it has been, looking and thus far, no luck and still, more looking and the acquisiton of the newspaper to speed this search up a bit. I think it's hightime I just inquire of a temp agency to see if I can't get into a temporary job, anything that might line my pocket with a bit of green.
I also need to obtain Petco's HR number to call and make sure they have the right address for my W2 when I file my taxes. Which reminds me, again, that I need to look up California's filing procedure to see if I need to file for the state. Any California residents mind debriefing me on that subject?
Now that I've rambled, I feel a bit more collected with myself, more... all there and ready to face whatever happens today.
current mood:  moody
current music: The Kovenant - S.E.T.I. - 09 - Keepers of the Garden
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2 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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2:17 am - And the sky turns to grey
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ashwing made ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040428021908im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) rate_my_life and it's been a lot of fun so far. I just submitted my journal up for commentary so let the flames fly. If anyone else is up for the amusement, go join, see if Pegalicious will add you as a rater and get to it. It's something to entertain us without lives.
I finally got my last paycheck from Lane Bryant and with it, I've bought some food, some panties (ooh, so sexy, no, no pics of those, sorry) and that's pretty much it. The rest will go to reacquisitioning my belongings from California. Ransom money, almost, it's somewhat amusing to think of it as such if I wasn't so fucking annoyed it's took this long (and counting) to get it back.
After much, much searching, I finally replaced the pictures that I was using for one of my characters. (I found out the model's name is Gemmy Craven, but this was after locating her pics.) And this made me happy as that I didn't even really have to go trolling through pr0n link after pr0n link.
The job front is still as it has been, nothing looking up too well.
The snow... Ah, well, seven inches of snow isn't a big deal for someone who grew up in New Hampshire, but it's a huge motherfucking deal to the north eastern US. Especially seeing as that we don't have any snow plows, or what we -do- have are inadequate for removing the amount of snow that we got. Surrey Drive is a fucking mess, it's all slush and water and I refuse to check the mail anymore after I got my feet soaked trying to do so earlier today. And now that it's all melting fast (and we're getting rain on top of it), there's flood warnings for areas that are lower in elevation. Joy. Possibilty of downtown Olympia flooding to some extent because it's at sea level.
Love love this area. So much.
I have the scariest email to write here soon, seeing as that I've gotten the email address from yllis. It's not that the content is scary, I just don't know how it'll be received. But here's for trying and making the most sincere apology one can.
I miss my mp3 collection. -_-
current mood: meh
current music: Within Temptation - Mother Earth - 02 - Ice Queen
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2 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Monday, January 5th, 2004
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3:15 am - I'll leave when I want to
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 (02:45:39 am) :Marc: It's cause I'm black, isnt it?
(02:45:40 am) :Marc: Isnt it!?
(02:45:49 am) :Margo: ...Don't start that with me. I'll have you beat.
(02:45:56 am) :Margo: I'm a black Asian Muslim Mormon lesbian!
Right. So there's a total of maybe... three people on my friends' list who will understand that last line and that's perfectly alright. It's hard being the smallest minority in the world when no one will defend your rights as a human being. (Now, the gif is just there because that's one of the funniest things I've seen in a while and it had me rather amused.)
There's been snow here like you wouldn't believe. Not... on par with New England esque snow, that's for certain, but a good deal more than the area's used to getting and it's somewhat upsetting. It's not going away, either! And that's what's worse about it all. It'll be around under Wednesday, or so they say, when the weather heats up enough to melt it all away. As soon as that happens, I'll be a good deal happier, at least as far as the weather thing is concerned.
Just prior to New Year's Eve, I hooked up my digicam and took pictures, as well as retrieve the ones that were on the camera for months when Peter left the serial port cable in storage. Somewhere. (The cable I have right now belongs to Mandy's camera and she's letting me borrow it.) And I promised eldavo them in my latest LJ post, so I'll just throw them all behind a cut and you can deal with it.
( New pics )
current mood:  awake
current music: Stratovarius - Dream With Me
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8 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Monday, December 29th, 2003
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2:57 am - And make believe we never needed anymore than this
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Christmas was neurotic, as to be expected. We got to Wenatchee around noon or so, made really good time on the passes, despite the conditions. Everyone was still asleep save kumori_no_ko, whom I called as soon as I got in to go out and hang with her and carravankid, who was sleeping when we called. Following the hanging out with them both, I went back home only to be drug off to Leavenworth for the whole Christmas Eve thing. It was bizarre. It wasn't really tradition to open presents up on Christmas Eve, but apparently for my mother's family, it was.
Like, my family traditions include going to bed around ten after having to listen to "The Night Before Christmas" (originally told by my father utnil the divorce, and then my mother took up the role until Tim married into the family). On Christmas morning, we're not allowed to get out of bed until 8am and then we get to open stockings. After that, we make and eat eggs benedict and then do the dishes. Only -then-, can we open presents. Yeah, my parents were torturous, sadistic bastards, especially when we found out that both my mom and my dad opened presents on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas morning. Yeah, they were bastards.
Anyhow, so we opened presents on Christmas Eve and that felt a little odd. Come Christmas day, though, we went out for breakfast instead of having it there at my mother's. (Alright, given the state of her house and kitchen and everything, you can't blame us.) After the rather late breakfast, we went back to Leavenworth to my grandmother's house to find out that my uncle Fred was no where to be seen because he was annoyed that my aunt Kathy, uncles Bill and Don and my gradmother went out for breakfast without thinking to invite him. C'mon, my aunt and uncles were staying at my grandmother's and it was just a spur of the moment thing, so they didn't think to call him. And he took it all so personally.
Sometime after that, after there were a couple of battles for the phone (I called dmoira and talked to her for a while), my grandmother commented that Tim should move down on the couch because he wasn't going to talk to anyone anyway (which pissed off my mother and she confronted my grandmother about it. "That really hurt me and Cory and Tim, Mom." Yeah right, Cory and Tim thought it was hilarious.) and my mom left to go visit uncle Fred, or something, as far as we knew that's what she did. So, after some time, my aunt's boyfriend, Ray, and his two kids, Jeff and Erin showed up and they all went up stairs to open gifts because "they were embarassed to do it in front of everyone, but they weren't being antisocial". The fact that she explained that amused me.
Anyway, so the turkey came out of the oven around three thirty or something, which was around the time that my cousins were told to be over. We waited about two hours before they waltzed in and told us they'd already eaten. I think uncle Don wanted to maim them with his bare hands, and my grandmother was pretty pissed off, too. Out of the will, or so my mother says but she probably doesn't know anymore than anyone else. There was another divison in the family subvocally with that, and the like, of course, but the evening progressed without much more bloodshed, but with lots of alochol consumption and some cigerette smoking. ("Why do you think our family functions are served with alcohol?" -uncle Bill to Cory)
Oh right, so coming home from Leavenworth, I made my mom stop in the actual town itself so I could take pictures of all the lights for my psuedo-girlfriend, azul_demon as promised. After realizing that the flash was reflecting off the fog and causing all the pictures to be blurry, I got a good half dozen of them taken that turned out alright. After getting home, I called kumori_no_ko again and went to Shari's with her for coffee in which we were abandoned by the hostess and servers for god knows how long. Service was terrible, it was Christmas night, the waitress got a dollar tip for her efforts, just under 10%. Tipping is graituitous, not mandatory. See Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs for further details.
We left the next day and got back to Olympia relatively safely. And tonight! We got a call from my grandmother wondering if we'd heard from our mother, because apparently she couldn't get a hold of her. I guess there was some fight between my cousin who lives with my mom and my mom herself and then my aunt (who owns the house my mom, Mandy and cousin all live in) and threatrs were made to kicking people out and god knows what else. And then when Cory called my mom, she hung up on her because she was upset my grandmother called my sister. This is as far as I know, seeing as that... well... it was all second or third hand information and my grandmother didn't really know what was going on and she talked to my sister... Et cetera. But apparently my mom's going to "divorce" herself from the rest of the family and she's going to convince my sisters and I to do it as well. When she told my grandmother this, apparently all she could think about was "What about Pandora?", as in the border terrier that belongs to my mom. That's hilarious.
Christmas goodies were slim, some girlie perfume and body wash from my aunt, $50 from my dad and stepmom, $100 from my grandmother and $50 from my mother as well as some jewelry (all that cash is almost gone save $20, spent on paying back my sister for my storage unit and ID and then on a couple of CDs, Josh Groban - 'Closer' and Zeromancer - 'Eurotrash' which was found on a fluke at Hastings, who'd've thought? (Yes, I spent the money on more practical stuff, like face soap and toothpaste.)), Voltaire's album "The Devil's Bris" from my younger sister, a Barnes & Nobel gift card from my older sister and brother in law (to be put to the Time of Judgement books in January) and another B&N; gift card from Wendy. Satisfied and not expecting anything more given I couldn't return the favour. I got some chocolate from chikori again this year (waaaii~ *loves*) and cards from kawaiimiaka and empressith. Hooray, that all made me smile.
Anyhow. So moving on past the holiday drama, luemnus asked me to marry him today so he could move to the US and get a marriage visa. I agreed, because I'm mostly bored and forced him to agree not to touch me outside of kinky sex. It'll make for a pleasant distraction during the time it takes for him to get his citizenship. I don't know what to tell my family.
current mood: entertained
current music: The Cure - A Letter To Elise
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5 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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1:25 pm - Dream Theatre - Wait For Sleep
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Standing by the window
Eyes upon the moon
Hoping that the memory
Will leave her spirit soon
She shuts the door and lights
And lays her body on the bed
Where images and words are running deep
She has too much pride to pull the sheets above her head
So quietly she lays and wait for sleep
She stares at the ceiling
And tries not to think
And pictures the chain
She's been trying to link again
But the feeling is gone
And water can't cover her memory
And ashes can't answer her pain
God give me the power to take breath from a breeze
And call life from a cold metal frame
In with the ashes
Or up with the smoke from the fire
With wings up in heaven
Or here lying in bed
Palm of her hand to my head
Now and forever curled in my heart
And my heart of the world
current mood:  listless
current music: Dream Theatre - Wait For Sleep
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Whisper a secret?
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| Friday, December 19th, 2003
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1:40 am - Merry Christmas
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| Monday, December 15th, 2003
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11:54 pm - It used to be so easy
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I've been meaning to write this for a while now, seeing as that... well, I've felt as though I've had something I wanted to say, only I've been either in character at the time I wanted to write and didn't feel like stopping, or I was too tired to be writing. So either, or, it's just not happened.
Livejournal removed their invite codes, much to the happiness and charign of the rest of the people following those communities that announced it. This doesn't really effect me either way, at least now, I don't have to worry about trying to find invite codes for friends, or buying myself more paid time to get invite codes. I remember when the server didn't have the codes, apparently that was a couple of years ago (my how time flies) and some people are worried about the newbies spamming the site. Or overload on the servers again. When the site had gotten slow back then? I paid for my journal account to get switched over to the fast (and mostly unusued) servers, and the problem was well taken care of. After all, pay for something you enjoy.
The other night we went to the Cold Stone Creamery and got ice cream. That place is sinful, in and of the word, really, and ooooh so yummy. I had the cake batter ice cream with chocolate fudge and a peanut butter cup and it was so damned tasty. It probably all went to my ass, I'm sure, and I feel bad, I haven't gone to the Y since Thanksgiving. Not good, I was really good about going everytime that Cory did but since they had to take on a lot of Community something Boards (its acronym is 'CAB'), she goes into work at 12 and gets out after the Y closes. And since I don't have money, I can't go on the bus to get there, which would work since I have my own membership card now and I don't need to get in as a guest. Hoorah.
Timothy rented Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup for Gamecube... and it just -rocks-. He and I've both been playing it rather frequently, though, he's ahead of me right now as far as the cards go. I have 41 or something and he had 50-55, I forget how many. It kicks ass, even if Tim can beat the shit out of me in versus mode. Oh well, I suppose that's just how it goes sometimes, and I shan't be making any excuses for it.
Christmas is almost two weeks away, and I really... am having troubles believing that. I've already mentioned that no one is getting anything for the holidays, no cards, no nothing, unless I chose to make a general, online greeting for everyone... But that might just be it. This annoys me, I love Christmas shopping (when I know what to get people) and this year I have absolutely no money in which to do it. So this means I owe like... everyone who I would normally shop for, presents as soon as I get a job. Which might not be until after the New Year. Here's to hoping it's not stressing my sister -too- much. That's something to worry about. :(
In other news, there's not really too much going on in my life beyond that. I'm still on the lookout for a job, which isn't really happening all that well. This sucks, because I had wanted to go the Twelfth Night with Ryan and I know he wanted me to come with, but... eh... money did not permit. Woe. But... I suppose I'll just have to visit another time.
I recently closed my RP room on Sorcery.net because of the lack of interaction going on there. I'm trying to think now what I want to restructure it as so I can reopen it. The point was, of course, that I had three other ops that wouldn't do anything, there were too many private or exclusive storylines going on or the cliques. So now I need to figure out how I want to restructure that to get around all of that and quite frankly, I'm lost as to how to do it. I'll think of something, eventually, I imagine.
Anyhow, not much else to say here anymore and I've lost my flair for writing. More to follow, assuredly.
current mood: despondant
current music: The Cure - The Last Day of Summer
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7 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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3:30 am - Diary of Dreams - She
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She has the silence deep in her breasts embraced
She wears a perfume of a truly vicious taste
She has the wisdom in her empathic eyes
She knows the truth to all unspoken lies
She says she'd sell her angel for a dream
She says that she is not who she might seem
She says that she has lost her self-esteem
She says that she will not give up her dream
She offers traitors her lap to feel like home
She masters violence as if she fears no one
She makes your anger turn into quiet tears
She makes you laugh about intimate fears
She hears the voices that tell me what to do
She look into our eyes, but only smiles at you
She knows the warmth she feels is not for long
She stopped to speak, that's why I end this song
She says she'd sell her angel for a dream
She says that she is not who she might seem
She says that she has lost her self-esteem
She says that she will not give up her dream
Love Diary of Dreams.
current mood: sleepy
current music: Diary of Dreams - She (Demonic Mix)
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Whisper a secret?
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| Thursday, December 4th, 2003
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3:05 pm - With a goddess and a dream
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It's lovely midafternoon here in Olympia, the sky is rather grey and there's probably rain somwhere, but that's rather typical in this area. Why did I never noticed how dismal it looks when I was in Seattle? That's probably because that I was rather happy when I was in Seattle and it was the fulfillment of that thirteen year old's dream to move there following high school. I did it. I need to get back.
2003 is drawing to a close, and it's probably a good time to look back and reflect on everything that has occured. Sure, that sounds like a good idea, but it's not particularly something that I want to do at the moment. There's a lot to go over and it seems to have gone by oh so fast, already, it's been three weeks since I first got back to Olympia. And it doesn't seem like it.
But in any event, pushing on past what seems to be a abyssmal start to a journal entry. I'm sitting right now listening to Delerium's album "Poem" to which Murphy's trying to sing and talk through in the background. Alright, so I did my fair share of noise when it came down to it, if only because... well... it seemed to be entertaining him. I just stopped because my lips were getting a little tired from the whistling form you have to make. There is still something of an ache in that my sister won't let me handle him and that I've effectively lost my parrot to her. I fought my dad for Murphy when I was eleven or twelve but to my sister, I have thus far said not a word to that effect. My fault, my loss, but as Skan pointed out, if the bird is happier...
I keep forgetting if today is Wednesday or Thursday, the date itself is etched clear in my head and I know exactly what it is, but the day of the week keeps flittering back and forth. This is probably the third or fourth time today that I've had to check a calendar to decipher which it is. How sad.
So moving onwards, I haven't really been up to all that much since the last time I posted with something of actual substance. I've been sitting around, filling out job applications, wrote a resume, posted it online at a couple of job sites, but nontheless have been trying to get a job. It's been a rather losing battle down here, and I feel awful about it, at least for my sister because thus far I'm contributing nothing to the household. But Christmas is coming and a lot of whatever I get as far as fundage goes, I'll give to my sister, as much as the idea annoys me. Still, you gotta do what you gotta do, and that's just one more thing that has to be done.
I lost my temper with Peter a couple of days ago, when he called and ended up yelling at him over the phone. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but then again, a good majority of those times that you think something is a good idea, it never really is. Ah... well, interestingly enough when I signed online a couple of hours later, I was going to apologize to him for it and he blocked me. To this day, I still think I'm blocked on AIM by him, though I can't really be sure without asking someone else if they can check if he's online, which, really isn't going to happen beyond that first day. Today's his birthday, and I'm debating sucking everything up and calling in the early evening, I've always called him on his birthday for as long as we've known each other, minus last year when we were living together. The prospect of James answering the phone just chills me and god only knows if he'd 1) tell me the truth if Peter was there or 2) pass the message along if he wasn't. I don't want to bet on either and perhaps an email will just have to suffice. I sincerely doubt that anyone else besides myself is keeping score if I follow through with "always" calling him on his birthday.
Contrary to popular belief, I -do- apologize, but when I feel as though there's something there to be apologizing for. I refuse to do it otherwise, and I believe that's how it should be, because if you're always tossing around empty apologies, no one will believe you when you're actually sincere. But that's just me and people have told me more than once that I'm a bitch with claws or something of that effect.
Touching down onto less philosphical writings or whatever it was, yesterday, I met mechpest after long last. (I decided to go to the mail at this point, and it -is- raining and now my feet are cold.) It was amusing, we met at the mall, he got there uber early and I was somewhat late and kept him waiting and then I realized that I wouldn't have been able to recognize him or anything like that. After some calling to my sister to get his phone number because I, like an idiot, forgot it, I called him and la da! In my horrible capabilities as hostess, I wasn't really sure what all that we could do and we ended up hanging at the mall for quite some time before we we stopped over at my house so we could look at something on the porch. Cory doesn't want anyone over in the house while she or Tim aren't around, so hence the porch, but Tim was home so we could get out of the chill of the night. I had a good time just sitting around and talking and the like and trying to prevent him from reading the manuals to games he hadn't beaten yet. >:> I got blisters from my clogs last night so that was something of an amusement. Ah well, I'll survive.
But beyond that, there's not been much else that's been going on. We had emptied my storage unit and got it all sorted out so it's no longer in my bedroom, the room in question is something of a mess and I'll have to get around to finishing cleaning it before I take on any more projects. Though, other projects are more amusing than cleaning my room... Bleh. Oh well. What has to be done, has to be done and the sooner it's out of the way, the sooner I can take on those other projects.
current mood:  calm
current music: Delerium - Poem - 10 - Amongst the Ruins
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9 whispered secrets : : Whisper a secret?
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