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"Love You to Death," by Type O Negative |
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The other day, I was in the bathroom, drying off after taking a shower, while my roommates were watching Return of the King, in the living room. It was during the scene, climbing Mt. Doom. Sam had said to Frodo, "I cannot carry it for you. But I can carry you."
I could not help myself. I turned the shower back on, collapsed next to the toilet and broke down sobbing in the bathroom.
I've been crying every night since she decided to "take a break." I've been up late at night because I do not want to sleep anymore. My eyes are red most of the time, and the skin around them is dry and worn out. There are cracks underneath my eyes and on my eyelids. Today, someone asked what was wrong with my eyes. She was a three year old Chinese girl with the brightest eyes and the widest smile. I told her that nothing was wrong, I was just tired from a long day at work. She said, "But you've been crying..."
I crouched down to look at her, and said, "I guess I cannot fool you. I'm just very sad because I miss somebody very important to me."
"Well, I want to see the cameras." (Very bold little girl)
"Which ones?"
"All of them. I love pictures. Will you take my picture?"
At this point, her mom and dad, both Chinese, came over and said to her, "Leave him alone, he's working.."
"But he needs a friend, and I want to be his friend. Can he take my picture?"
I said that it was no trouble as she obviously loves cameras. Her parents replied, "Yes she does. It's really funny. Sure, it's okay. It keeps her busy, anyway."
So, here I go, walking all over the store, grabbing a camera, some paper, and setting up a printer with a little anime-like girl following behind me chattering away. It was simple to take her photo. She was easier to photograph than anyone I'd tried in a long time with the brightest smile and a voice like a bell. As the photo was printing, I talkedwith her parents about a few different cameras, and she kept hopin up and down to see the printer working. I asked her parents if it was okay to pick her up and show her the photo as it came out of the printer. They said it was okay, so I took her to the printer, and sat her on my shoulder to see. A couple employees passed by and looked at me in that funny "What the hell?.." manner. She caught one of them and said "He's my new friend." I shrugged and smiled a little back.
Then she asked "Can I work here? I love this place."
I said, "Sure, if we're still open in fifteen years."
"That's a LONG time!.."
What an absolutely beautiful, totally hopeful and completely fearless little angel she was. As they left the store, I felt a little sadness. What would happen to this little girl over time? How would she turn out, because of her future experiences in life?
I saw Amanda's eyes in her gaze. Wide-eyed at the wonder of the world.
In almost every female character in LOTR I see aspects of her. Arwen's (sp?) patient, sad resolve; The elf-queen's wise, hopeful loving gaze; King what's his name's niece (i am drawing a blank on both names, stupid me) fierce strength, and then there's Sam. Sam. Loyal, hopeful, eternally optimistic, and embodying the simplest most powerful sense of Love imaginable. No complications. No questions. Just simple, unconditional Love. I see her sense of hope and wonder at the world around her and her resolve to stand her ground against all the darkness around her.
Early on in our relationship, part of my fears about things were that she would eventually "outgrow" me. That she would be giving up too much to be with me, of her dreams, her hopes, her life. Someday, I would be too much of a burden to her and she would decide that she had enough. Yet she insisted that it was all okay, because she was choosing to do so and we loved each other and that loving each other was all that mattered. "All you need is love," after all. There was nothing that anyone had to accomplish in life but to live life.
I'd commented off and on in her LJ, even though everyone around me as said to stop doing so, because it will only push her further away. And often I write about things that I wonder will only serve to push her away further. And I do so, because these things need to be said. I hear over and over that I have to fix myself before I can be good for her. Or for anyone else. That to have people love me, I have to love myself. I hear that I should not define my life by the relationships in my life around me. That there is more to life than relatioships, and being in love.
Bullshit.
I comment because it should not be wrong to comment or contact someone you love. I should not have to feel like what I am doing is wrong and I am making a bigger mistake, just in reaching out to her. I am not broken. I am tired of feeling like I obviously must be, since I am so hurt by someone else's choices in response to my actions.
And there is nothing more important than relationships in life. Nothing matters without Love in your life. Making a splash in the world, impacting the lives of thousands of people, it is all insignificant without Love. "The greatest lesson you will learn is just to love and be loved in return."
I made mistakes with her. I admit it. I was stupid, and selfish, and self-centered and uncompromising, too frequently, but I never stopped trying to get better. I never thought that things would be completely irreconcilable because that is what people in love work around. I believed whole-heartedly that I could finally be loved, flaws and all, worms and all all my ugliness and all my decay because we loved each other so much and so powerfully that I could show all sides of me to her.
And somewhere inside, I still believe that we love so deeply, and what is there is so powerful and so Right and True, we can still overcome even this given time. We found each other. We are soulmates. We belong together. In my heart of hearts, I believe that, and feel that.
Without that, what's the hope left? If living life is not meant to find the one you truly love and belong with and finding Love and through Love finding your path to God, what's the point? What's the point of being shown the sum-Truth of your whole life encapsulated in the bright eyes and angellic smile of your soulmate only to have it taken away from you because you've made mistakes?
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