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Saturday, March 15th, 2003
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9:22 am - Change of address reminder
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| Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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1:42 pm - Spring Cleaning
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1) Check your "Friends-Of" lists. This journal is going bye bye- my appreciation for the name of it has really waned, and I thought I'd switch it to something more appropriate. ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040417161807im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) l00p (loop, irritatingly enough, was taken by a lurker account- one comment, zero posts, zero friends, total. ~grumbles~)
2) Email address change: Loop at hotmail dot com, parsed into email speak, is the new place to reach me. I'll check the old one, but after well over five years of accumulating spam and many, many iterations of the "what's a shmooo?" conversation, I decided to switch over email addresses as well.
I'll post this a couple more times in coming weeks, forgive the multiposts.
current mood: constructive
current music: Paradise Lost - Soul Courageous
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
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10:17 pm - Stolen from 'bug :-)
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| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
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7:41 pm - Cowardice, Hypocrisy, and Bullshit
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triptogn
What would you call someone who is extremely vocal in his attitudes regarding drama in his life, and even goes so far as to cut someone out of his life supposedly "to escape the drama," then turns around and sets himself up as a hub for it when it comes around?
Fucking hypocrite.
What would you call someone who claims that he can "weather the storm of disapproval from anyone," then as soon as someone levels any disapproval at him, instead of addressing it, he blocks the source out?
Coward.
Or, perhaps, someone who swaggeringly claims that he could write circles around anyone, even those whose writing ability he respects, then preempts any opportunity to respond to that assertion by blocking his journal?
Bullshit.
It's sad to think that I once respected you. Feel free to reply to this any way you see fit- I'll not take steps to censor you, not that you merit the consideration.
current mood:  disappointed
current music: Pantera - Fucking Hostile
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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2:00 pm
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| Monday, February 24th, 2003
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6:04 pm
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ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? Some stupid SUV driving sack of shit who decided that the bike lane was a viable choice for driving over a block with her turn signal on, nearly causing an accident.
2. What is your weapon of choice? Depends on the context
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Does she deserve it? Do I have any other choice?
4. How about of the same sex? Does he deserve it? Do I have any other choice?
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? J
6. What is your pet peeve? Stupid fucking people
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? Depends on what the person did.
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Forms (martial arts).
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 7pm (after being up for 2 straight days)
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: Coupla people
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? Dunno
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? No
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? ~laughs~ At a gym? Years.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? One.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? N/A
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? White meat
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? The word is "embalmed."
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Does Stacker II count? ;-)
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? Yep. Want to drop a few.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Spicy!
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? No.
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Dozens?
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family? Likewise, dozens?
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Duh.
4. Have you "done it"? My, aren't we juvenile. Yes.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Neck, hips
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Yes.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? No on STD, and the other test wasn't on me.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? One.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Frys, bookstores
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Pay off bills, move, and keep the rest.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? I've lived that choice, and no.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? More than two.
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? ~shrug~ Survive?
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? I'll get back to you on that.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Make a difference- socially, environmentally, philosophically, something.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Depends on the context.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Yep.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Yes.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? This fucking survey.
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? My friend Mark's job- lawyer for the NRDC and professor of environmental topics at IRPS at UCSD.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? ACK!
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? No.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Not really, but it felt like it.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Duh.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Motivation.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? No.
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Lust followed by anger.
Seven Heavenly Virtues
FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? Independent.
2. What religion were you raised as? United Methodist
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Human.
4. Do you believe in magic? Yes.
5. What was the last promise you broke? Don't recall. Probably forgetting to call someone back.
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? Yes. Every meal with my parents, every time they bring me to church...
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? Fuck no.
HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? No.
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? See "what I want to do."
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? Yes, historically I've done so. I'm working on that.
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? Yes.
6. Do you gamble? If so, what game or activity? Not really.
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? Yes.
***OUT OF TIME HERE, WILL COME BACK AND FINISH LATER***
CHARITY
1. What causes do you support? In terms of giving of my time and money? Very few to be honest.
2. What causes have you given money or time to? I try to donate money to feed malnourished children when I can... usually around once a month.
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? Yes, I have.
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel-inherent worldwide charity group? No, I don't think I have the energy or devotion to do that.
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? I prefer to give them food. But I have.
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? Yes.
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? I think answering this question might be me ducking back into pride... I've helped a friend when they needed me, how about that?
FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? Losing friends, people who care about me...
2. What did you do today that was really brave? I came to work.
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? I don't know.
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? I wouldn't know until confronted with the situation.
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? Courage.
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? If so, when? If not, how do you avoid it? Of course, I've been on stage.
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? I try to be neither. When people need me to lead, I do. When people need me to follow, I do my best to subdue the leadership tendencies.
JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? Were you chosen? Yes and yes.
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? I'd find a way out of it. I've got actual important work to do here.
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? No, I don't. It's a barbaric holdover and has little to no effect on crime.
4. Which should be guaranteed legal: Yes.
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? Ummm... no.
6. What was your favorite media circus trial? Eh, I haven't really cared all that much about them.
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? Yes I have.
TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? My mouth, I talk too often when I should be listening.
2. Do you collect anything? No.
3. Are you addicted to anything? Probably, but I don't know.
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? I bought a car. That's an installment plan.
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Debit card.
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: Foolish spending.
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? Always.
PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know? I know a fair number of 'wise' people...
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? Yes.
3. Do you take advice when it's given? Usually not... I'm somewhat headstrong.
4. What area are you wisest in? I don't know, actually.
5. Do you drive defensively? I drive offensively. But not as offensively as most other people in California.
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? Would you ever? No I haven't, but if my partner and I decided not to get married but wanted to have children... then sure.
7. What did you learn today? Not a lot.
8. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? Probably Prudence.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, February 21st, 2003
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12:09 pm - I really need to read the rest of these...
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Destruction, the sixth of The Endless, you are a
rebel. You abandoned your realm, refusing to be
held responsible for all the disasters in the
world. You roam forever, trying to escape what
you are. Always on the run, and never facing
the truth, you live in denial. It's not your
responsibility, it's not your fault, and it's
not your problem, even when it is.
Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Stolen from darklyght
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 20th, 2003
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8:52 am - Burial
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In the US, it is apparently required for a person to be pumped full of preservatives and put in a box before they are allowed to return to the soil. That, to me, is an unacceptable option. Likewise unacceptable is the idea of cremation, mostly because it's a poor choice from an environmentalist perspective. Frustrating, non?
So does anyone have any suggestions on how, when my time comes, I can legally be interred and be allowed to return to the soil? Other than deciding to take a geriatric jaunt into the interior of British Columbia or some other remote spot and not come out?
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(15 comments | comment on this)
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8:48 am - a response...
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To paraphrase The West Wing:
"Give me the next 10 words. And the next 10 after that."
So, we go in and invade Iraq. We kill Saddam and destroy his entire regime.
And then what?
Are we going to rebuild the infrastructure we vaporized? Are we going to set up a new, more moderate government in place of the one we deemed too dangerous to leave alone? Great, and in 2 years, when the state is viewed as the next Israel, is constantly attacked as a puppet regime and serves as just another thorn in the side of the already enraged Arab world, then what?
Or are we going to do what the Soviets did in Afghanistan, just reduce the country to rubble and then leave our mess behind? Great, so, in 2 years, instead of having a stable, hated government, we have at best a popular government run by a people whose hatred for the Western world and the US in particular has been cemented so recently. More likely, we end up with another dictator in the region given the fact that there was never a popular uprising for a different form of government.
Neither outcome seems worth the cost in lives, ours and theirs, which it would entail.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 17th, 2003
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1:26 am
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1:03 am - Laughing my fucking ass off...
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12:47 am - Melancholy of Present and Anticipated Times
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I've been putting in my resume at a variety of places today, from the Audubon Society to the PIRG system nationwide, looking for a job in an activist capacity doing either writing or teaching... But the part that this post revolves around is that nationwide bit.
For the first time in over a year, I truly feel ready to leave this place. I have goals, I have things I want to do with my life, and I finally feel ready again to follow that path, even though it means leaving all of this behind when the time comes. With that renewed resolution comes a profound melancholy, though, both for the future and for the present.
The future is obvious. Going after what I believe to be important, doing work which quickens my pulse and puts a light in my eyes... But doing it, at least for a time, alone. Reducing everyone I'm close to now to little more than a tinny voice on the telephone, a bunch of text in an IM or an email, or, if I'm particularly lucky, the individualized scrawl of a letter. The idea of loneliness that profound is enough to evoke a hell of a reaction in me, even now, before it's even a reality. I tend to go through "lives" with a fair degree of regularity, it's true... But the thought of leaving one is never fun.
As for the present... Well, it's a relatively recent development for me to realize and accept the fact that I don't have anything to hold onto here. Before people (some people in particular, hush) look askance at me for that, I'm speaking of the fact that there is no one individual who gives me a reason not to leave, or even to change my plans. There are certainly people I will miss, people with whom I wish things had worked out differently, but there is no one to hold onto. No one to keep me here, and no one to take with me, or even to accompany. It's been a while since I felt and recognized that lack of a connection, that free-floating feeling of being unattached.
I'm not a big fan of it, to be honest.
I suppose that was a little bit densely worded, but there are some things I'm just not inclined to come out and say. Such has always been the case in this journal, and such will always be the case in this journal. ~small smile~
In any case, I'll keep you posted with any updates about my career and (by extension) relocation plans as they occur.
For now, I'm relocating to bed, and my occupation will be diligently holding down the mattress to make sure it doesn't fly away. Goodnight.
* * *
Oh there is blessing in this gentle breeze,
A visitant that while it fans my cheek
Doth seem half-conscious of the joy it brings
From the green fields, and from yon azure sky.
Whate'er its mission, the soft breeze can come
To none more grateful than to me; escaped
From the vast city, where I long had pined
A discontented sojourner: now free,
Free as a bird to settle where I will.
What dwelling shall receive me? in what vale
Shall be my harbour? underneath what grove
Shall I take up my home? and what clear stream
Shall with its murmur lull me into rest?
The earth is all before me. With a heart
Joyous, nor scared at its own liberty,
I look about; and should the chosen guide
Be nothing better than a wandering cloud,
I cannot miss my way. I breathe again!
-from The Prelude, Book 1 by William Wordsworth
...a mindset for which to strive...
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Phil Collins - One More Night
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, February 14th, 2003
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12:54 am
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A friend wrote:
"An interesting article on the psychology of oppression (which I believe says a lot about why we SHOULD oust Saddam Hussein and other oppressive regimes)"
To counter:
The right way:
In 1776 the colonists of this country decided they'd had enough of
living under the heel of the British monarchy and fought their way free
of that regime. They fought a protracted, nasty battle against a better trained and equipped army and emerged victorious. To this day, the US has never submitted to the authority of another country, which is a considerable source of pride for many members thereof.
In 1789 a large group of thoroughly oppressed people decided they'd had
enough and did something about their plight. It was a long, bloody,
highly unpleasant road, but at the end of it, France emerged a
democracy, free of any further domestic dictators or abuse of power,
again, a source of pride for the country to this day.
The wrong way:
In 1934, the US backed Batista in his takeover of Cuba. In an election
poll 17 years later (1951), he is ranked at third, but maintains his power due to a coup d'etat, and is again recognized as legitimate by the US government, to the tune of receiving a million in military aid 7 bloody years later (1958). The following year, Batista flees the country and leaves it to the revolutionaries (notably Che Guevara and Castro). Castro is subsequently elected by popular vote. In 1961 we have the Bay of Pigs debacle in which CIA trained Cuban ex-patriots were sent to foment revolution against the popular government. In 1962 the US launches a plan to assassinate Castro ("operation mongoose, signed off on by JFK), which obviously failed as well. Such efforts have continued for the last 40 years, to a greater or lesser extent. Trade sanctions have not been lifted to this day, and diplomatic relations between the US and Cuba are still practically nonexistent. Despite that, the popular government still remains in power, and Castro is as popular as ever.
The moral:
We've done this before. Installing a government in another country
leads to the sentiment that the government in power is simply a foreign
puppet regime, which is in many cases true. They usually don't last
long, and they usually end bloodily. In this case, if people are
inclined toward revolution in Iraq or Afghanistan, more power to them. But doing it for them is akin to cutting a butterfly loose from it's cocoon- it dooms them to long term weakness because they did not go through the crucible of their own revolution, they do not have the investment or the pride therein necessary to retain it through troubled times.
current mood:  cranky
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 10th, 2003
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3:06 pm
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apparently a onetime friend of mine (jailbait, to the three or four people reading this who might possibly know her as such) is now living in a meth den in cv with her similarly inclined boyfriend.
last time I talked to her, she had agreed to stop smoking pot on a daily basis and try to cut back on her drinking.
at that time she was 17. she's 18-19 now.
I didn't know her for very long, a few months at most, but at the time she awakened some of my very few paternal feelings. she was pretty, certainly, but far more than that, she was an inexperienced, angry kid doing a lot of stupid things. for one reason or another she took a liking to me, decided that I was someone she could confide in and trust.
I tried to make the most of that time, tried to just be someone who gave a damn without wanting anything from her in return, hell, without even accepting what she offered. we lost touch when we each left that job, and I left thinking I'd done some good, thinking that the time I'd spent talking with her had mattered. instead, the delightfully foul-mouthed little girl who cried in my arms is now 5'3 and 80lbs. her neighbor, one of the many dealers in her building, was shot and killed by the police in the last month.
I have no idea what to do. anyone who's known me much at all knows that my first inclination is to go down and make it all better. drag her out, torch the damned building, and call it good. but if the last few years have taught me anything it's that people will never, ever change because you want them to- they change only when they want to.
I can't make this better. I thought I'd mattered, thought I'd made a difference to her, and she's only fallen further.
fuck. I'm going to go be very, very small for a while.
current mood:  nauseated
current music: Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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8:54 am - Stolen from ladybug007
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| Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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11:54 am
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Two of the editorials from today's New York Times (online) are just utterly fantastic... I'd post links, but they never seem to work right that way. In any case, go check them out- if you don't have an account yet, sign up (it's free, and it takes about 3 minutes) then go check them out.
Excerpt from the first article, raising a quizzical eyebrow at our inactivity in Korea contrasted by our fervor to bomb Iraq back to the stone age:
Mr. Bush shouldn't reach for strained rationales. We're going to war against Saddam because we can. (If we go after Kim Jong Il, he could destroy Seoul.) We're going to war because conservatives will be happy only when they have a John Wayne ending to Desert Storm and make U.S. foreign policy less about realpolitik and more about muscularity and morality. We're going to war because we're a nation with a short attention span; we want to strike back at some enemy, and it is too hard to find Osama. (The Brits now say they and the U.S. knew Al Qaeda was working on a dirty bomb even before 9/11.)
current mood: fucking scared, honestly
current music: VNV Nation - Further
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 1st, 2003
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11:52 am
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I kind of feel like I am supposed to be more upset- I just woke up and read email after email on the SDGoth list along with many entries on my friends page, which is the first I knew of it...
But let's be honest. Exploration is by its very nature a dangerous job. You are taking it to the edge, beyond the scope of what the vast majority of people will ever experience, and diving straight into the unknown. You stare your fear of confronting the unknowable and uncontrollable in the eye and proceed on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, while it was unfortunate, they died "well." Most people today can envy them that. If there are more people with the courage and the drive to continue the work they were engaged in, it will continue- and I do believe that there are and it will.
For them individually, safe journey to whatever afterlife you feel destined toward.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 31st, 2003
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12:05 pm
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Fuck hotmail with a rusty spork.
Stolen from ladybug007
I AM NOT: quite "there"... yet.
I WAS: further away from "there" than I am now.
I WAS NEVER: quite sure where "there" was...
I WILL BE: content.
I WILL: get my life on track to where I want it to be.
I WILL NOT: return to who or where I have been.
I LIKE: food, reading, talking, listening.
I LOVE: To quote Shelby, "those few who are crazy enough to call themselves my friends." Beyond that, gaia and teaching.
I DISLIKE: Most people.
I HATE: Openly, but rarely.
I WANT: Harmony
I NEED: Only to respect myself and my decisions.
I DON'T WANT: To find regrets in hindsight.
I DONT NEED: Anything I do not provide myself.
I SHOULDN'T: Procrastinate, mix up my priorities.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE: My student loan come in soon.
I'D LIKE TO OWN: My own space. A place for me, a mate, my stuff, and a dog.
I LISTEN: More than I used to, less than I should.
I EAT: When I can, what is available.
I DRINK: Rarely, Glenlivet when I do.
I DRESS: However I feel like dressing. Currently jeans, a t shirt, a belt, and docs. And my ever present necklace & pendants.
I LAUGH: Whenever possible, often at myself.
I DRIVE: A truck, and don't you forget it. ;-)
I PLAY: Whenever I can.
I CRY: Less than I used to. Usually for lost possibility.
I YELL: Rarely. It's a bad thing when I yell, almost as bad as when I get really quiet. Trust me.
I DREAM: Not as much as I'd like, and usually about stupid stuff. Like the other day about mistakenly hopping a train to LA and not having the money to get home.
I FEEL: A bit stressed, but coping. Kind of bored
I MAKE: A difference. My presence known.
I SAY: What I think.
I WISH I COULD: Be established- enough stability to let me be spontaneous, enough security that I don't feel beholden.
I WISH I WAS: More motivated.
I WISH I WASN'T: Quite so destitute at the moment, or packing such a colorful academic history.
I WISH I KNEW: The right thing to do, but, as I don't, I just have to muddle through and make the best of it.
I AM HAPPY: More or less. I am, as they say, "adjusted."
I AM LONELY: More than I ought to be. I'm not particularly good at being alone, though I'm trying to learn.
I AM SAD: When I think of lost possibility, when I feel I'm losing something (rare) or someone (more common) important to me.
I AM MAD: Yep. We're all mad here. (When something negative happens to someone I care about, when confronted with injustice or willful stupidity.)
I AM DEPRESSED: Less than I have been in as long as I can remember. Stressed, certainly, but eh, fuqit.
I AM HORNY: If that's a piece of information relevant to your life, you'll know about it. Trust me.
I LOVE MYSELF: Sort of. Right now it's something of an armistice.
I HATE MYSELF: When I fail to live up to my own code.
I WANT TO ______RIGHT NOW: Go home and write a poem for class (I'm actually interested in the assignment- if it's any good, I'll post it, though it will be in Spanish). Other than that, stop worrying about money and relationships.
I WANT TO ______ TOMORROW: Relax, play with the dogs, do laundry, read, and, availability permitting, hang out with my sister and/or cloudmistress & Paaj.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: tappitytappitytappity
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 30th, 2003
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4:14 pm
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Heh. Money.
I have $35.11 to my name, between the psych survey I did earlier today (for $30) and the remnants of my bank account. This, plus whatever I can scrape out of my coin jar, needs to last me for roughly two weeks. So, probably about $50 for 2 weeks, including gas to get to and from school.
This, boys and girls, is what happens when one gets a new job and trusts that it will stick around for a while, thereby putting much of their remaining savings toward paying down debt.
(Read: I'm a dumbass.)
Hmmm. Houston? We's up a creek.
current mood: severely irked
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(19 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 24th, 2003
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10:45 pm
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In order of descending importance (to you all):
First, sorry I have been such a non-presence on LJ and online of late. "Real Life" has required my attention to a greater extent than that to which I am accustomed. If it makes you feel any better, I've been neglecting pretty much everyone of late- I didn't say it made ME feel better, but it's nothing personal, with anyone. Except you.
Second, tomorrow is the second (of 2) day of training for the new job. Whee. I'm employed and no longer so damnably destitute.
Third, fuck computers in all their incarnations. I was testing out parts today trying to build a system for a friend and the goddamned CPU fried my motherboard and who knows what else; I'm up and running using my laptop, but I'm claustrophobic as hell working on this thing already. Let's see here. I went from an Athlon 1600+, 512DDR, 80GB HDD, etc etc etc, to a P166, 64MB, 2GB HDD.
~grumbles~ Bah. Going to sleep now. Anyone who wants to give me a call (or have me call them- email me or reply before 7:30am PST tomrrow and let me know) between 3 and 5 tomorrow will be appreciated. Freaking long commute.
current mood: growly
current music: none 'cause all of my goddamned music is on the other puter
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