[ |
mood |
| |
irritated |
] |
All right. I have to state that I am beginning to get a tad peeved. People who know me know that I am not much of a talker. I listen, observe, and then if on rare occasion that I have the desire to speak, I do so. In other words... it comes down to this.
If I have something to say then I will say it. I have no desire to babble on with mindless dribble (or quite possibly lies) just because people wish I would speak more. Chances are.. if I were to speak what was on my mind more often, people wouldn't like to hear it anyway. In the end it would make them uncomfortable as well depending on said subject.
Take for instance, a most recent event. I got to visit my son last Friday. (Due to my week in that hell-hole I didn't really get around to posting about it.) Peter joined me and met my son as well as his adoptive family and also did the majority of the talking... which was fine with me. However, in an effort to make me talk more (I am assuming), the mother asked me what religion I follow. Now keep in mind that this family that I had given my child to is of Christian beliefs. How do you think that they would react if I had answered that in truth I was studying the vodoun religion and I was considerably drawn to a certain loa? Not well as I am sure you could imagine. The result would undoubtedly be me unable to see my child for more then an hour a day twice a year because their over-active imaginations, combined with little to no knowledge on the subject, would have them envisioning me scantily clad conducting rituals by candlelight whilst drinking the blood of a freshly killed black rooster..
So instead I said that I was of no certain religion and they in turn asked me what I was brought up as.. in which case I could honestly reply "Christian". That seemed to suffice and they and my new husband went on to talk about other things.
I don't talk much. Not for fear of being reprimanded in some way or another, but because people today are quite often too close-minded to actually listen to a person. They draw their own conclusions based on biased beliefs.
Peter's parents wish I would be more out-spoken. I have nothing of any importance to say. Nothing that they can relate to in any fashion... Their family is close-knit. Mine is not. They can have open conversations with each other about nearly any given topic. I wasn't brought up that way. In my family.. almost anything even slightly out of the ordinary is taboo. Be it anything to do with sex to religious beliefs, to have a truly open conversation about either of those subjects was unheard of. Their determination to make me realize everything that was bad has in turn pushed me to do my own studies and make my own decisions. (Because surprise, surprise, I do indeed have a mind of my own.) But reguardless of this, I have continuously found myself censoring my journal entries, either making the posts F.O. or not posting at all because I know they have access to reading it. They may even follow it closely... I don't know. Nor do I care.
But I digress.... I attempt to appease them (his parents) once in awhile with witty comments (usually to my poor husbands expense) and they chuckle/snicker, but its not good enough. I am not gifted in the art of conversation with people that I do not know very well. Especially in-laws. I have always been a quiet person. Anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that I am not one to ramble on... (Except in the case of this entry which will be ending momentarily)
I don't like to talk. I don't like to be studied. (which I know for a fact his mother does because I have caught her at it.) I don't like having my thoughts and/or feelings being dissected like some bug under a microscope. I don't like being forced into conversation. And chances are... the more a person pushes... the more I will withdraw, no matter how good the intentions are.
Why can't people just understand that and let me alone? Why must they insist on changing the person I am? J wanted to change me. He wanted me to wear lighter colors. Be out in the sun. Talk more. Be more outgoing. That and other things caused major rifts between us. Sometimes I think its a wonder we still speak to each other.
Ok... I am done with this rant for the moment.. I'm just a bit frustrated with the whole "I wish you would talk more" thing.
|