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mood |
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music |
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um... a Veggie Tales song? |
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Well, yesterday, at about 1:30pm, i turned in my Classics BA, a 62 page work including 32 pages of critical edition and 30 pages comprising an introduction and analysis of the text. For those who do not know, my text was a 12th century encyclopaedic world chronicle. i studied both the entire work (over 200 pages) and a specific chapter (called the liber pauperum). My edition was only of the chapter, but that was long enough...
So, of course, i've been a wreck for at least a week. Some might say for longer than that. i would alternately work very hard, and then spend time picking apart what i had done. As of last Thursday, i had 17 pages of paper, and a very broken, unfinished edition. Except, at that point, i thought it was finished. i guess i just forgot about all the things i didn't do. i went to Neighborhood Group dinner, which was surprisingly enjoyable. i say "surprisingly," because i was afraid it would be scary-- we had two groups coming for dinner at the same time, so there were... what? 20-25 people in one house? Anyway, though, it felt... kind of like Christmas. In a good way. The right kind of fellowship, the right kind of family. We had very good butternut squash soup, and i think that was the last meal i had until last night's dinner.
Friday, there was an evil headache which made me skip work and class and special class (pssh, class, who cares anymore). i saw Robert at night, and that was good. i don't think i actually did much work though. i slept instead.
Saturday, i went to Ex Libris, helped Robert open the shop, and stayed there all day, working. My headache came back when i tried to take a nap on the couch, all curled up and feeling protected... When it came back, all the fear came back. i had a period of panic, but in me, that is manifested by shutting down. Luckily, i had someone to bring me up to the surface, and i love him, not only for that, for so many reasons. He has been loyal & caring for so many years, and for so little in return, for such a skitterish girl. It makes me blush.
Sunday, i worked in the morning, but hit a brick wall around 1:00. This was okay, because Robert was picking me up to return to the library, which we did. There was talking and the Office, and much in the way of rain (how do all of those books survive?, and the cushy library chairs... The dove-grey sky, sodden and heavy, the world clear and sharp, frozen before my eyes. i love days like that, but they are also dangerous, because it is tempting not to return from the grey. There is a comfort, a promise of whiteness, the great flash of eternity and Presence behind it all. i am best to be alone those days, to write it out, to be in the grey and emerge when i am ready. i am sorry when i inundate others with undesired grey...
Robert and i left for church, where Pastor Camera gave a wonderful sermon on Jonah 3. We then visited Robert's house to burn some music, and to prepare for the great marathon. i had a magical moment, being inside and outside of myself: dark feathers, soft black night, stilted moon. There would be more of this, as the air cools to winter and the sky breaks forth with fleeting crystals. i dream of warm places, dressed in shades of white, black, and grey, a winter-chrome dwelling place.
i worked Sunday night. Hard. i printed out scans of microfilm, typed some paper, and returned home to ... sleep for 1.5 hours. Then i got up (around 3:30am), and worked straight through the night into the morning. It was this night that i discovered the brash incompleteness of the edition. Instead of berating or panicking, i worked with a fathomless calm. i worked until 3:00pm, when i realized that everything wasn't going to be done that afternoon, as i had promised. i emailed everyone about it, got no obvious complaints, and laid down for two hours. No sleep, just vibrating cells and black spots in my vision. i got up and ate, like, three half-boxes of cherryheads, hoping to quell the faint feeling i was having. At this point i was so cold that i was wearing the following glamourous attire: Superman T-shirt, U of I sweatshirt, some pajama pants about 3 or 4 sizes too big for me, socks, peach-colored blanket over my shoulders, and a fuzzy black blanket.
Robert had brought me a "BA care package" including some really awesome tea, so i made that and thought about what i would do when it was over. i made some tea in a cup, then decided that wasn't enough, so i filled a bowl with water, heated it in the microwave, and stuck teabags in that. Fragrant... This reflection helped, as did the variety of music in my CD player. There is nothing like doing work to anime music, followed by depressing music, followed by irish rock, followed by Crash, Innocence Mission, Frou Frou, Haibane Renmei, dc Talk, Jars of Clay... You know you're working too much when "long" CD's pass in the blink of an eye. You hear the first track, and *boom* you're on the last one already.
i didn't get it done in time for Robert to pick me up and get to Kinko's before 11. So i took it with me to Kinko's, having printed out the edition already. After hearing it was $.20 a minute for the computer, i worked on my laptop until i needed the internet (should have brought the hiptop). Then i had "write errors" to my overused floppy. i think it was full. i was lucky-- i'd brought an extra. Stuck the paper on there. Then i paid out the nose for the computer. Robert arrived, back from his meeting, and helped me out by calling Kirk and having him look up some bibliographic information for me. i finished the sigla list and the bibliography. i printed it out, 29 pages times four, at .50 a page. Ouch. That is all i will say. i *felt* that credit card bill. Nice paper, though. But i forgot to have the computer collate it, so Robert had to do that...while i copied the edition four times.
i took it all to the counter, was told it would be an hour to have it bound. So i take two copies for the most immediate readers (my advisor & another professor), buy some binder clips, and put them in envelopes. The other two stay to be bound. Robert has class at 1:30, so we're cutting it close as it is. i drop the papers off, and run to the computer lab. Why? i have another paper due at 3:00, for a class i, uh, skipped last Friday. Just a little paper, though. i write it, and go to class from 3:00-4:30. Robert drives me to Kinko's to pick up the bound copies: coil binding is awesome! i want a job where i can patronize Kinko's all the time...
Robert and i run some errands, returning to his house with groceries. We cook dinner together, and i realize that i am, in fact, quite hungry. Then i am exhausted and my neck is cracking like no neck should ever crack. So we go to my place, where i sleep and Robert does his Hebrew. Now, here i am, not wanting to do anything.
Because i'm still tired, but i'm done, almost done. i finished the Job, and i think it is good. i am satisfied, even though the Job is not perfect. i attribute it to grace, naturally, as we all know my work ethic the past couple months has been awful, even though i have the best of intentions.
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awake
stressed
blah
scared