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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2003.01.29  14.38 change the subject personal thoughts should remain as such I should have never started using LJ as a platform to express my innermost feelings, I didn't realize the effect these random thoughts might have on the people I care about. Hence, from this day forward, LJ will only be used as an artisitc forum. The only thoughts and ideas expressed shall be public ones.

	2003.01.23  18.00 humbling experience I'm sitting in an internet cafe in Florence, surrounded by a mix of students, locals, and an air of insecurity. I just realized that I found this place just strolling around Florence and now I don't know how to get back to my apartment. It's been raining throughout the day. My first impression of Florence: not as beautiful of Venice but not as surreal, the men are presumptuous and the women are kind, the people are generally helpful but seem to be always in a hurry, lots of Fiats and Vespas on the street. I bought a wool scarf today for $5 Euro (about $6 u.s. dollars) Very few people speak English here. My roommates arrive next week. Right now, my biggest concern is finding a sports bar where I can watch the Superbowl this weekend. I never thought I'd be saying that, but thanks to Robert, I've acquired an appreciation for the sport. OK, I'm off for now, I'm almost on part 3 of The Fountainhead! The Alchemist is next! Mood: determined Music: Pearl Jam - Black

	2003.01.17  17.37 my best friend I had lunch today with my "best friend." That title sounds juvenile for some reason. Diana Lizarraga Martinez was my best friend in High School. We had lunch today at Las Cuatro Milpas. I had never been there before. It was really great seeing her again. Spending time with her always brings me back down to earth, I think. I get so caught up in my world, sometimes it's nice to be reminded, just by someone else's presence, who you are. Diana does that for me. She's a genuinely good person, not in an exaggerated, altruistic way, but good in the sense that, well, she's balanced. She leads a stable, happy life. She's been married for 9 years now, I think. I hold a special place in my heart for Diana. Anyway, she was happy for me. She made me feel really good about my decision to go to Italy. Interestingly, being around Diana today, dissolved any worries or nervousness I was feeling about going on this trip. Thank you Diana, for being you, for being true. Mood: happy Music: Everlong - Foo Fighters

	2003.01.12  19.23 it's getting good!!!! The first part of The Fountainhead really dragged on. Towards the end, however, things really started moving along quite nicely. I can hardly put the book down now. Reading this book has made me realize how limited my vocabulary is. I've already looked up the definitions of over 10 words and I'm barely half-way through the book. I shouldn't have to look up any! I was under the impression that the two roommates occupying the second room in the apartment in Florence were a guy and a girl. I was wrong. I received an e-mail from one of them, Daryl, just a few days ago. It turns out that Daryl is a 22 year old girl from Chicago! I'm glad to hear that it will be all girls sharing the apartment. Wow, only 9 days remain until I leave for Italy. I'm ecstatic! Well, enough for now. Take a look at my website if you haven't recently and let me know what you think! I'm always looking for criticism, beit constructive or not. All criticism is constructive in some way.

	2002.12.19  18.15 realization I've always been at "the top" of "my world" and knew I belonged there... hence... my narcissism (not to be confused with egotism, mind you, but maybe egoism.) The scary thing is, "my world", well, it's quite small. Will I make it to the top of the "real world" or at least my perception of it? This will be a rude awakening for me when I go back to school - next month. My answer is YES!

	2002.12.19  11.53 look right through me ...and I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had, I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, when people run in circles it's a very very... mad world... great cover It's freezing in here, my dog is chewing up the beads on the "bead curtains," or whatever they are, that Robert has hanging in the doorways. I have a Doctor's appt. at 1:00 and another at 2:00, then I'm off to Loehmann's. Saturday Veronica and Arturo are going to host a White Elephant party. It's a "potluck buffet" so I'm going to take the soup and the salad. I haven't had a bite to eat all day, I'm starving. Had a strange dream last night. Wouldn't it be horrible, though? If you never had a dream? If you just couldn't dream? I watched City of Lost Children for the first time a few days ago. I'm so glad I remember my dreams, and that they are SO REAL. I used to jot them down when I was a kid. Last night my dream was about my first day in Italy. I'm arriving a week before school starts and I just received an e-mail with the name of my roommate. She's from Japan. It's a double apartment (whatever that means) I'm assuming it's some type of duplex? who knows, the other two roommates that will be in what would constitute the "double" part of the apartment are a guy and girl, but I don't know from where, only their names. Anyway, my dream was all about that first day... it was such a trip. ok, I'd go on to describe it, but it's just not the same when it's someone else's dream, because it makes so much sense to them and it's so funny, but to you... it's absolutely boring and makes no sense whatsoever. I'm still in part 1 of the Fountainhead, I've gotten some great quotes from it though. ok... I have to get ready to go.. out... into the mad world sidenote:(i prefer (a) Wild World by Cat Stevens over (a) Mad World, as Tears For Fears interprets it.) Mood: hungry Music: Mad World - Gary Jules (TFF cover)

	2002.12.13  14.58 restaurant review ... and bitch ok part I: Restaurant Review The Green Tomato, located in Kensington at 4090 Adams Avenue; 619-283-7546. The grand opening was last Saturday, I could not make it. Robert and I had dinner there on Monday. Putting my vested interest aside, The Green Tomato puts all of its purported counterparts to shame! I was definitely given the royal treatment. The food was so exquisite. I had the herb-crusted lamb chops. Albert prepares them in an ancho chile and shallot sauce. Robert had the Tilapia, and we ended our courses with Royce & Albert's infamous crème brûlée. The boys absolutely refused to let me pay a dime. They truly are wonderful people. We were there for 2 hours and a half! The time simply flew. The man they call "Mayor of Kensington" was there. The place was full, on a Monday night, just 2 days after opening, with no signs, no advertisements... in fact, their first ad "came out" (no pun intended) this week in Buzz magazine. Please check it out. Tell Tony, Albert, or Royce that I sent you and I guarantee a time well spent. part II: bitch-- OK... Robert is intent on setting a world record on how many songs he can download from KaZaa and save onto our hard drive. He's taken up a hefty portion already. KaZaa is ALWAYS on and it slows down Dreamweaver & Photoshop immensely. In addition, we no longer have an anti-virus program so God only knows what pests have infected my poor little PC. So, what to do. Deal with it. second bitch-- Anxiety Attacks I had one today. They make me cry. I think I'll leave it at that. I'm going to take Xico to the golf course for a brisk walk before it gets too dark. It's 3:15 already. I'll leave soon. I received an e-mail from the culinary school in Italy on Wednesday, I read it on Thursday... they are requesting $2,400 in their hot little hands by the 15th if I want to secure my room and board in Florence next month. The 15th? This e-mail was THE FIRST AND ONLY request for this payment thus far. The 15th is Sunday. I called them to complain today and they gave me some trite excuse of "oh, we installed new software and are delayed in relaying information a bit, please excuse us and pardon any inconvenience this has caused you..." Whatever. So I sent the money out this morning, now I'm short of funds for the next two months. I really need to unwind, I think I'll go on that walk now. Mood: determined Music: R.E.M. - Man On The Moon

	2002.11.21  13.00 narcissism I never considered myself as narcissistic. A trusted confidant applied that characteristic to me today. This has given me a new outlook. Mood: hot Music: the strokes

	2002.11.13  23.11 can't shake this cough... 11:11 pm I just took Xico out to pee I changed into my pj's, now getting ready for bed Robert? well, hmm, let's see, oh yeah, he's at a show again, I already forgot the name of the band. At least this time he stayed in town. I made dinner Sunday night at my mom and dad's house. I made a 5-course italian dinner and it was absolutely exquisite! Annelle and Rocio came over to join the family for dinner. That was nice. Everyone was asking me where Robert was. I made an appointment with Dr. Feder for next week. I haven't seen him in over a year. He was my "counselor/therapist" when I was going through my seperation and my work at Pac Bell was suffering. It's so ironic, that company paid for me to go to counseling and that was exactly what I needed to finally quit that job. By the way, not that it has anything to do with my leaving, but, since then, the stock has dropped from 46 to 21 and the union employees are totally in control of the entire organization. hee hee hee I don't know where my money is going, but i just spent a bundle in the past two weeks. At least I'm debt-free. I bought bunny slippers at Urban Outfitters last week. Robert and I were having dinner at Greystone and he kept looking out the window. Finally, when I asked him if he was waiting for someone, he turned to me and said: "No, why? because I'm looking outside the window? I was just wondering what time Urban Outfitters closes." I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and buy a pair of seven jeans. They just look so damn good on, I have to get a pair. I'm tired. 11:23 pm I'm going to bed

	2002.10.30  18.34 wounded my hands are all jacked up!!! I don't know what the hell happened to me today but... my hands are all scratched up and they sting! I was up and out and about all day today. I did laundry and took care of some financial obligations. I had lunch with my sister and vanessa, at P.F. Chang's, and I wanted to check out La Torta today, guess it will have to wait until tomorrow. So I get to the house and I know that Robert is going to be hungry when he gets home so I check to see what I have. The freezer is piled high with all sorts of meat, I just have nothing to cook it with. So I'm boiling chicken to make some tinga poblana later. Wednesday's really suck for me because I have no vegetables in the house. Farmer's Market is on Thursday, and thanks to Alton Brown, I refuse to buy my veggies at the grocery store anymore, only at farmer's markets. So I have 1 onion left and a few zuccinis. The onion will have to be used for the tinga, and well, I guess I can make calabazitas con queso sans the onion. I have some squash blossoms I can use also I guess.I'm so tired. I don't even work and I'm salways busy, every damn day. I just got off the phone with Royce. He's tending bar at the SRO until the restaurant opens. I can't wait until it opens. He's working on Sunday night so I might stop by. I haven't been there for years. I really feel like having a drink. I wish Robert would come home and say: "Michelle, you want to go have a drink?" Yeah right, he's so anti-that. Today I met the manager of Aqua Al 2, some Italian restaurant downtown. He told me that he studied at Apicius inFlorence also. That's where I'm going to study in January. So I asked him about it and he said it wasn't that great, that I should go to Cordon Bleu. Yeah, maybe if I had an extra $30k I would. Whatever. So I said: "But you studied there and you're obviously doing well." He says, "yeah, I guess, but I wish I would have studied at Cordon Bleu." Oh well. He invited me to the restaurant downtown so I can talk to him more about it.

	2002.10.28  22.21 oh duppy My Chai Tea is now cold. Xico is finally winding down from his pathetic pacing-back-and-forth in a desperate attempt to capture my attention. I've been looking up old friends' sites for the past hour, breaking every 10 minutes to flip through channels, just waiting for Seinfeld re-runs to start again at 11:00 (used to be at 10:30) Robert is at the Peaches show in L.A. with his brother and some friends. He goes to shows all the time (sans the girlfriend, a.k.a. me)and I always give him a hard time for not inviting me (hee hee hee), anyway, last week he tells me: "Peaches is coming, my brother is going." (long pause) "Remember... Peaches??? The Teaches of Peaches??? *he sings*" (longer pause) I say: "yeah, Robert, I remember" (I recall the cover of the Peaches record I saw thrown on the couch at his brother's house. The cover was very pink, some chicks legs or something, wearing a hot pink vinyl micro-mini and hot pink cyndi-lauper-esque fish-nets) ..I continue: "You know, for once, I'm not going to bug you about this one, I actually don't want to go with you to this concert, I just don't dig it." (long pause, and after thinking out a good response to my unexpected disinterest) His reply: "oh... Micheeeeeeeelllllllee!!!!... really? you don't want to go?" Stop. OK, so today, inbetween our trips to Neiman-Marcus and Petsmart, Robert says: "I don't know if I want to go anymore, que hueva (trans: I'm too lazy to even think about going), and I have to be at my brother's by 4:00." Me: "4:00??? why so early? what time are you coming home?" He: "Well, the show starts at 7:00 or 8:00, it's an early show, so my brother wants to leave at 4:00 since it's in L.A." Stop. OK, this was the first I heard about the show being in L.A., the next half hour was a debate on how he did tell me, i just never listen, etc... etc... this was followed by about an hour of silence, then we get home, I make a late lunch, we eat, he gives me a big hug and kiss on the forehead. "I'll see you soon," he says, "what are you going to do?" Me: "Oh, I dunno, I guess read the Dreamweaver and Flash books you got me, then I'll take Xico to McDonalds for an apple pie later." So now it's 10:18, I'm only writing this because I'm waiting for Seinfeld to begin. Tomorrow is "date day"... (note 'day' vs. 'night') Every Tueday is "date-day." We catch a matinee and have either lunch or dinner, never drinks...lest I become an alcoholic. Thursday is turf-club night, I'm going w/Annelle. should be fun... we always have fun. OK, I better at least OPEN the books that Robert gave me... good-night, for now. Mood: restless Music: none- court tv in the background

	2002.10.26  15.18 haven't done one of these in a while... What Office Space character are you? brought to you by Quizilla

	2002.10.26  14.41 leave the gun -take the cannolli... The BEST sandwich in San Diego: The Godfather You can get this sandwich at The Grove Grinder in Lemon Grove. I'm hooked. It's just SO HUGE... somehow, I manage to down it all. So I go there once a week. Have to get my fix. Speaking of fixes, good wine... I absolutely can not, will not do without a glass (or two) of good red wine, at least once a week. V. Sattui is one of my favorites... they even have a spectacular Johannesburg Riesling... but, unless you're in Napa, you can only order on line. I keep buying all these kitchen gadgets, I don't know why, I'll be leaving in a couple of months. I just love to cook, and the gadgets are necessary. I've been cooking so much, I'm even dreaming of food now. You'd think that with all this cooking I'm doing I'd have blown up into a balloon, au contraire mon amie, I'm LOSING weight! I don't understand it. But I'm not complaining. I want to be nice and slim before I go to Italy. I've been working on my website, I have some great ideas for an on-line cookbook too, that's to come in the near future, meanwhile, check out Xico's pix at www.thedeadbeatclub.org/xico/xicoindex.htm I also entered a contest. I created a Flash Tutorial that I entered at www.actionscript.org, I hope I win. If anyone is VERY FAMILIAR with PHP out there, please e-mail me, I want to take a class but I have some questions first, thanks! Mood: artistic Music: System of a down - Chop Suey

	2002.10.11  13.27 hash house "a-gain gain" took Abby to Hash House this morning, she had never been there when we were finished eating, and just talking over coffee, a little ugly bug fell from the ceiling next to Abby's plate. not good. food was delicious anyway. I LOVE not working I can't wait until I go to Italy... I'm super excited about it... it's truly a dream realized ho hum have to get my nails done I have a great idea for my website I need to get started on it... I just have so much e-bay stuff going on that I never have time to work on my site uggghhhhh......... cramps

	2002.10.07  07.38 unreciprocated not a single day goes by that I don't think of him at least once...

	2002.09.11  09.52 the cheese keeps moving Just before I left PacBell I read a book that gave me the push I needed to make that decision. Since then, remembering how I felt after I read that book has helped me to make the many life-changing decisions I've made in the past year. I finished my Flash MX class a few weeks ago. This is what I've done so far with what I've learned. Now I'm taking photoshop & dreamweaver MX. I'm learning SO MUCH! Lately, I've also been contemplating the idea of enrolling in a culinary institute. I haven't talked to Robert about it yet, I don't think he'll like the idea too much. In the meantime, my lawyer gave me good news this week, he said my ex agreed on the settlement I offered him. I'm SUPER thrilled about it! Finally, everything will be over and I can have my name back =) Another business venture I'm thinking of embarking: E-bay ... full time ! Since this is my last month working for Maribel & Peter, Next month I'll be free to do absolutely anything I want. So I'll be selling Vanessa's stuff on e-bay. She's going to give me a pretty penny for the things I sell. So, let's see how that goes. as Martha Stewart would say.... this cheese moving idea.... it's a "good thing." =) Mood: hopeful Music: telepop music - breathe

	2002.08.21  10.21 lucid dream and dvd's had one last night... it had been a while. But well worth it. my puppy xico was in this dream too, he was force fed a "new" chemical substance in the form of a birth control pill that was designed to alter him to a metaphysical state of bliss that could transcend him to an imaginary paradise in the pacific islands. in my dream, I was force fed this drug as well... but the effects only half-worked. The culprits were slightly irritated by this. Who were the culprits... oh.... an old flame would be included... it's too weird the dreams must stop damn... ridding myself of him has become quite my conundrum on a totally different note.... I've decided to change the business I was going to open in Murrieta from a cafe, to a restaurant, to a restaurant/bar, to a record store (I just watched High Fidelity), to finally... thanks to the influences of Movie Trader and secondspin in P.B..... A second hand multi-media cafe... have no clue what this would look like? Wait until the grand opening... it will be ONE OF A KIND

	2002.08.09  10.06 unbelievable! The Society Line tape... SOLD for $103.51 that's amazing! who would pay $103.51 for a cassette tape?

	2002.08.05  14.34 anonadada! I cannot believe that someone would pay $58.87 for a CASSETTE TAPE! I listed this on Ebay for $3.00, now it's up to almost $60! WOW! some bidders have even e-mailed me with offers to pay me the same amount, even for a COPY of the tape! can you believe that? Wow! Mood: shocked Music: quinto sol

	2002.07.31  07.39 catch up Today is the 1st day of my Advanced Flash MX class. In 3 weeks I will be fully trained in Flash MX. I'm considering taking the Flash cartooning class this fall. cool. I went to Vegas this weekend, had a GREAT time. Stayed at Caeser's... as usual... everything was comp'd...isn't that nice? I won some money so I bought these super cute shoes at Gucci and some new sunglasses at Coach. I want to take photoshop, maybe I'll take that this fall as well. Why not, the classes are free, I should take advantage of it.

	2002.07.11  13.30 hi-speed this is my life: when I'm not working, I'm in class, when I'm not in class, I'm at my meetings, when I'm not at my meetings, I'm at the post office shipping out my e-bay items, when I'm not there, I'm moving, cooking, or cleaning. And in between all of that, I see my boyfriend EVERY SINGLE DAY! He likes that song: Bad Babysitter, if you haven't heard it, check it out... it's a trip =P Mood: energetic Music: Princess Superstar - Bad Babysitter

	2002.07.08  13.07 4th of july we went to mission bay on 4th of july. david, ariel, brandon, kirk... all my high school buddies had a little BBQ. Then robert and i went up to the irvine spectrum to watch Men In Black 2 on the giant screen. it was a good day. check out a couple of pictures here

	2002.06.27  10.49 to be something to someone Somehow The conversation mentioned your name And someone asked If I knew you Looking away I thought of the times I had held you -- Sharing your laughter Knowing your tears And then without explanation You were gone I looked back To where they were waiting for an answer And then said softly -- "Once... I thought I did" -javan (meet me halfway) Mood: pensive Music: shakira

	2002.06.25  15.10 andy warhol great movie: BASQUIAT I saw it last night. David Bowie plays Andy Warhol. All these great actors come out in this movie: Benicio del Toro, Gary Oldman, Claire Forlani... great acting. I liked David bowie's portrayal of Andy Warhol the best. You must see this film, if you haven't already.

	2002.06.21  18.41 addicted to e-bay ok I'm WAY addicted to e-bay now. It's out of control. I can't even keep track of all my on-line payment programs: billpoint, c2it, paypal.... ughhhhhhhhhhhhh... on a more positive note. I saved up enough money to buy my puppy: Xico So I'm excited. I have to pick him up in South Dakota in 5 more weeks. I'm happy about that =) I LOVE working part-time! n-e-wayz... I'll be posting more stuff on e-bay this weekend, so take a look when you have a chance: http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid;=peque4u&include;=0&since;=-1&sort;=3&rows;=25 Mood: bored Music: rainy dayz - ja rule