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Saturday, February 9th, 2002
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10:35 am - well,
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I just got my English essay back, who knew you could get points deducted for using a vast vocabulary...
current mood:  surprised
current music: none
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(speak out)
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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11:34 am - I should really be doing homework right about now
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bored, utterly, completely, engrossed, and emancipated in boredom. I doubt I used that word correctly, actually i'm almost positive I didn't, but meh. I have to do spanish homework. Spanish homework stresses me out. So, therefore, I wait to do spanish homework. Then, I get more stressed out because I waited to do it, instead of doing it in the first place. A viscous cycle, I must say. I'll probably break it, when I see fit too. Actually, once I finish this i'll do it. ok settled.
Drugs.. drugs as in prozac... after reading allie's entry about dealing with prozac, I feel increasingly unsure of this drug. I think it may very well help people.. but.. but.. doctors prescribe it to so many people. I can't see how it can be right for everyone. However, everyone's eyesight can be "corrected" by glasses, people just need different strengths in order to accomplish this. and I guess the same could be said for prozac, some people need it, and then the dose is just adjusted for those people. but then there is a big part of me that feels that maybe feelings shouldn't be "corrected" that they are what they are because that is how one should feel, its a feeling, and feelings are never bad (remember that gem from kindergarten)... BUT being depressed all the time isn't necessarily a good way to live. it's all very confusing for me. I just have been lucky not to have ever felt the need to be put on medication, but for those who need it, who am I to comment on their medicine. I just personally feel that i'd rather experience highs and lows than live my whole life in a happy median, never experiencing anything completely. However, I don't think it even matters if people do take medication... it's just a thought. and no, this isn't for any in particular, but it's just how I think at this moment. if you have anything you would like to tell me that I probably am overlooking feel free to comment, i'd actually appreciate it.
this took a random turn of topics... it's really annoying how I never have a sure opinion on anything (well.. most things)... eh, onto spanish homework.
~Laura
Oh, and Frank, yes you Frank, I need to ask you a question
current mood: my spine hurts
current music: Blink 182- it makes no difference to me.. (it's on the girls laptop behind me)
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(4 thoughts | speak out)
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| Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
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6:30 pm - yes, this is for a few in particular-
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people disappoint me, greatly.
current mood:  sick
current music: Mason Jennings- Butterfly
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(2 thoughts | speak out)
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4:08 pm - ...it's not my responsibility
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ok, so maybe there were another few things that have happened in the time I was gone. I think i'm going to type it for the sake of keeping a record and what not...
my Post-Graduate friend was kicked out of school a few weeks ago. he deserved it, mind you, but it still sucks. he was a cool kid and the campus seems much more empty due to his absence. He had too many M.O.'s (missed obligations, i.e. skipped classes) and after several warnings he finally got the boot and was sent packing straight back to the U.K. ehh, he had a tough rap... and i'm scared about his future.. I mean there's nothing I can do and ultimately it was his choice to leave by not attending class.. I mean you can't blame the administration, even though they could have handled it a bit different. it is going to be tremendously hard for him to get into college now, and it's just sad. this is his future we're talking about not just a meaningless consequence. Also, because he was/is a PG, that means he already graduated high school and was only doing the PG year to be able to get into a better college, but this was a year of his life wasted... =o\
but there was also another girl who left due to pressure from the school.. she was weird but I feel bad for her none the less, honestly, she was crazy, and it's probably better she left, but still... it's hard to accept. She had a thing going on with the PG before he got kicked out, and apparently she had been scar-d due to their relationship, she felt she had been used, but the way in which she dealt with her feelings was atrocious. she basically stalked the poor kid. writing him crazy emails, and even following him around, taking pictures. truly weird. ehh. she's gone now.. no worries.
oh, and i'm really not as angry as I seem in my entries. lol, I don't know why I convey irritation, and come off seeming that way. odd.
~Laura
current mood:  indifferent
current music: Ben Harper - Please Bleed
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(speak out)
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2:18 am - yes, it's long, but I haven't written in a while.. so read it...
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I'm back...
how does this thing work again? I guess I'm just going to write considering I have nothing really better to do and I don't have homework due tomorrow, on account of the fact that I don't have school. so, lately I haven't really desired to write, probably because everyone has had this overwhelming feeling of hostility toward lj for some reason, like it's some how a simple programs fault that they cannot communicate with their supposed best friends. but whatever, I guess I haven't really written in here since my laptop was stolen.
yes, a computer worth over $2,000 completely gone.
that really crushed me.. but, sigh, enough of that, I'm somewhat over my hatred and mistrust of the world. nothing really new has been happening lately with me, i've actually been going to bed "normal" hours, and getting my life back on track. Peddie is really great, and while it's hard for anyone to like their school, I have to admit for a forced learning facility, its pretty nice. I like how the teachers are actually there for the students, and for the most part how the student body is there because the choose to be, not to mention how great the students are as a whole. the kids are truly the best bunch of people I have ever met. and the material we learn, I feel for the most part is important and imperative to become a "schooled" individual. my advisor Mrs. Gleeson, is great too. ahh ok enough of me being a nerd.
i've been thinking about what I am going to over the summer, I was presented with basically with three options; Australia, a cross country tour, or working. ha, I would have definitely went to Aussie, save for the fact my tour leaders from last year are doing this trip and let's just say, I would rather not go on another trip with their impeccable supervision... (after a month of touring with them I still didn't know their names). so I decided to go cross country... and I'm so glad am I going, (i'll get to that later), also, before and after my tour i'll work. So, yes, I cannot WAIT to go. I am going to get to see 2 friends whom I haven't seen in a LONG time ::wink wink:: and I am so thrilled it's unbelievable.
hmmm onto my boys... haha... hey I'm a 15 year-old girl.. what do you expect? the more and more I think about it, the more and more I want this one particular boy from Peddie.. hahah I don't even know him well yet, and that's why I think I want him. I don't know if I should really admit this, but, I tend to find that in my case, the more and more I know about a person the more I don't like him. that's not a good thing... I also have this complex.. it's horrible, if a guy is flawed I cannot stand him due to his flaw, but if he is seemingly perfect I cannot stand it because I lack so vastly in comparison. ehh I guess as I mature I will grow at of it and see that its a bad thing to judge a boyfriend in comparison to myself, but right now it's a bit difficult.
baby prom is soon... :-\ I have to figure out who I'm going with...
haha... the new blink video is funny..
lately I have been more and more disgusted with the world. it seems as if no one lives up to my expectations, however, I can blame no one but myself. I expect them to fill the voids in my life, my flaws have been eating away at me and I wish that I could fix them, when I see that other people don't fix theirs I just get mad at myself for letting mine go on. it's hard to explain, probably because it doesn't truly make any rational sense at all...
ever since tenth grade I feel as though I have been exposed to the evils of the world, and that a veil around me has been lifted. it has nothing to do with September 11th, (although 9/11 does just add to my rational of sorts). Just people in general, it seems I have seen the true mean in people come out, I have seen things I have never wanted to see, people doing things that I have only heard about in movies, and others just sitting by allowing this to happen, to act as though it is normal, and morals make no difference.. sigh.. I'm getting tired, I think I will continue this later...
...this probably constitutes a whole other entry, but I will end up writing a lot about it at a later date... I sometimes just look at life, as I'm sure most of you all do, and just wonder where it leads, what IS the deal with life?, how minuscule or how important we really are to the collective "world." when I see the round moon, and the sun shining, I feel so inferior, so mortal... such a human. ahh, yes, the eternal question, what is life? do we even constitute life, what other senses can we have besides the mere, yet vast five that we are "given." fights are meaningless, evil is meaningless, yet we can have no good without the contrast to evil.. it's so amazing in one hand yet so very trivial in another. even the mere fact that I am sitting at my computer at 2:08am trying so hopelessly to convey these silly emotions.. it's truly crazy.. I think I just have a hard time dealing with death and religion. it is confusing, and it kills me that I don't understand nor know what happens after my so called life...(excuse the cliche)
~Laura
hahah sorry for jumping around in the entry so much..
current mood:  apathetic
current music: mtv; a trojan comercial, it's really pathetic, gar.
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(speak out)
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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10:26 pm - ehh
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you have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh..
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(speak out)
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| Thursday, January 10th, 2002
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11:02 pm - hm..
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why are lessons so fucking hard to learn?
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(speak out)
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2002
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5:49 pm - color quizzes reveal a lot...
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4:34 pm - hahahah
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the spark.com--
Congrats! In your life, you'll have sex with
2 people!
And you'll first have sex at age 16,
in a hotel room.
The info on your 2 future sex partner(s):
0 of them will be female
2 of them will be male
And you will actually love 1 of them!
You have a 71% chance of dying during sex.
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(speak out)
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4:11 pm - 2002 (onomonapeia) hahaha
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thank G-d 2001 is over. that year... let's just say i would like to forget it ever existed...
current mood: indifferent
current music: Sublime - Bong Song
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(speak out)
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| Sunday, December 30th, 2001
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1:00 am - its really funny when you think about it
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i really miss him. i really miss him as my best friend, and i want him back, but he doesn't want to have me around. it was great the three of us- we were getting back on track, at least him and me... i was going to watch his band... it was going to be like "old times" uggh it's so fucked up. i don't even care anymore if he wanted me around he knows i'm available to have the friendship we once had.. but he doesn't... i don't blame him, i wouldn't want to have me around as a friend either. i just feel so helpless... i tried, now it's his turn... a turn that he will never take...
and I'm so so SO sick of people and their shit. there are a couple of people who are supposed to be my "best friends" yet they don't tell me jack shit about themselves and leave it to fester inside themselves. which i KNOW hurts them. i know that's how some people deal- but not the ones i'm thinking of, because they go right around and tell someone else... they will tell me some "fake" problems, or better yet problems that don't truly bother them, so as to satisfy me, but to also keep me at an arm's length- so as for me not to get to close. AND THAT'S FINE but then don't make me tell you my shit, if you're not going to be honest with me, or enstill the same trust in me as i enstill in you, don't pretend like you care and trust me... AND YES i understand that that is how some people cope with their problems, and i guess you can go so far as to say that that is what i do... but what i'm saying is don't label me as your "best friend" if you are not going to treat me as such.
grr... also no one, [save a really REALLY scarce few who actually care (one of which is mentioned above...)] ever asks me about me or my shit. no one cares... i have to come to realize that no one cares. between the few who i really want to know about and the few that dont fucking tell me.. i have these other retards that sit and bitch to me about their day... sit and bitch about their parents, their brothers, their sisters,..so i can be the fucking doctor i always am. let ME solve your dull and redundant problems, then tell me what a great friend i am and never ONCE ask me about how i am doing, or how my day was... go ahead. i'm used to it.
so go ahead and skip over this entry like it doesn't exist... don't comment on it, don't do anything... just smile, cause everything is just ok...
...i've had a bad day, and before i go on any further and type things that i don't truly mean... i'll stop right here.
current mood: grr i'm really really angry
current music: NOFX - All His Suits Are Torn
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(1 thought | speak out)
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| Friday, December 28th, 2001
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5:33 pm - meee and allie (my dream)
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i had the weirdest dream last night... i told allie bout it...so this is all excerpts from our conversation (just the highlights)... i don't have time to retype it.. gar. but this'll do... this is really strange....
( READ ABOUT MY DREAM!!! )
current mood:  good
current music: Jack Johnson - Flake
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(2 thoughts | speak out)
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12:49 am - allie is mad smart
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i was away from the computer... fyi... (read it, this is some good shit... not just random conversation) lol
Almaz17: another thing i dont know if ive told you about is
Almaz17: private and public selves
Almaz17: have i talked to you about that before?
Almaz17: well if i have you can stop me but i'll go on talking about it now while you're still away
Almaz17: i read this in a magazine once
Almaz17: everyone has a private self and a public self-- the way they present themselves to others and the way they muse about their life or just ARE in private or in their mind
Almaz17: the problem comes because no matter how well you know a person, you will never truly know someone else's private self
Almaz17: and in the case of most people you know, you won't know their private self at all
Almaz17: so what you do is, you compare YOUR private self to their PUBLIC self
Almaz17: think of the metaphor like putting together a portfolio of poetry or something
Almaz17: or no, making a collage
Almaz17: you'll cut out a lot of picture and have lots of scraps but when you're finished-- you'll throw away all the pictures you didn't use or save them for later
Almaz17: everyone sees the finished collage with the best pictures on it
Almaz17: that's how you are, that's how we ALL are
Almaz17: you put together a presentation of yourself that includes yoru best qualities
Almaz17: you save the rest to live inside you and you alone
Almaz17: but there in lies the problem
Almaz17: because sometimes we question whether or not we used the best pictures in the collage
Almaz17: and maybe the best pictures are yet to be taken, or yet to be discovered
Almaz17: does that make any sense at all?
Almaz17: as you grow older you'll see how you can change the collage, that more and more photo opportunities arise and you will be left with one magnificent collage
Almaz17: but so far, you haven't taken enough pictures to put together a collage you can be proud of
Almaz17: BUT
Almaz17: everyone else has half as many pictures as you do
Almaz17: and since their perception is their reality
Almaz17: they're amazed at your collage
Almaz17: and that saddens you because in your head, you don't care too much for your collage or more so-- the pictures you didn't use
Almaz17: i think i'm going off on one of those tangents of stuff you won't understand
Almaz17: so i'm sorry:-(
S0CCCERgal: wow...
S0CCCERgal: back, btw
yes, this IS the type of stuff we talk about when we're online... i know we're just so damn cool...
ohh also she told me about this a while ago... but i forgot to post it...
hmmm but yeaaaah.... today was good- cleaned my room, went to my friends house in the evening till like nowish and had a lot of fun. we took some pretty crazy pics... hahah yeah.. time to do something else...
current mood:  happy
current music: Dashboard Confessional - Saints and Sailors
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(1 thought | speak out)
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| Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
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3:42 pm - i dislike smart people
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maybe this will help... haha i've been getting a lot of complaints about not being able to read my writing because of the glow (when i use the "fuchsia" color)... so now i decided to try pink. hmm i had no trouble reading it... but meh, pixels are pixels eh?
soo yeah... maybe at a later date i'll write about the wake and funeral, but i really can't now... all i want to say is Thank G-d for my cousins, i don't know what i would have done without them..
sooo let's see it's been a while, i've been on break for like 10 days or so now, so i guess this is the middle of break. it's been odd, and it feels really short, but i guess considering the circumstances that surrounded it, it makes sense.
wow, this Christmas is going to be totally different than what i am used too...
in other news, i met this boy, and it's REALLY REALLY random the way i met him, i was at my friends school dance, (and mind you, my "date" for the evening knows we are just friends, and that's all we will ever be, i've known him since like first grade and i couldn't imagine him as anything else) weeeelll yeah anyway, while i was there i met this other boy, and while i was at the dance he was just nice, that's basically it. but after the dance was over we started to talk, he got my sn and that night he imed me. we talked until like 2:30. then the day after we talked from 10-4:30... it was pretty crazy actually. well the week rolls by and i think i talked to him once, and it was just for like 10 minutes or so... but then last night, we start to talk again and then he calls me and we talk till 1:30... and i don't know. he seems really really nice, and i think there maybe some future there... :-) we made plans for the movies so i guess we're at the "getting to know one another better" stage.. he's just pretty cool. and our we are so similar its crazy.. yeah well annnyway we'll see what happens...
hmm now that i read over this entry it really makes no sense...haha,,, but i think i'll post it anyway...
~Laura
::editing note (added 3:47pm):: i changed the color back to fuchsia cause it just looks better that way- sorry for those of you who have trouble reading it...
current mood:  peaceful
current music: the Impossibles - Oxygen
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(1 thought | speak out)
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| Saturday, December 15th, 2001
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2:30 pm - memories
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... i remember all the Christmases where the whole family would gather around and open gifts... i remember when we were little how we would try to get him to quit smoking, and how he would pretend that he had stopped, i remember when i would go to kiss him, how the rough stubble would rub against my face... i remember the way his warm hand felt when it held mine...i remember all the times he would talk to us in italian when we misbehaved...i remember all the times he would tell us stories about Italy, and his family, i remember all the stories about his older brothers, and all the stories about the war... i remember how he said he always wanted to go back and visit Panerea, the island where he came from, right by Stromboli... i remember the smile he would get seeing his whole family together. i remember his slippers, out of all things the slippers are most vivid... i remember the way he would sit, and the way he would cough, and the way he would talk... it's still all fresh... i was supposed to have another Christmas with him this year... the same stories that never got old, the same smile, the same kiss with the rough stubble on my cheek... the same family- all together...
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(1 thought | speak out)
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1:24 pm - ...
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the thing is i'm not too worried about going to the funeral procession...is that the word? or maybe it's just funeral service... I've been to two in my life (my other grandpa when i was in second grade, and my family friend's grandma). And although they were both in temple, i doubt that it is going to be too different in a catholic church... i hope... i know the wake is going to be totally different than sitting shiva (sp?) because his body is going to be there... i just don't know. but i think i can handle all that. I am really scared about the burial, i have never been to a burial before... my parents have successfully protected me from that. The thought about the burial haunts me... seeing the coffin, that i know my papa benny is in, getting lowered into the ground and then throwing dirt on it... i cringe at the thought of it...it makes me sick. i don't know how i am going to handle that. I just never had pictured that that really happens... i kinda figured that their body stays in the church or temple, and then magically is in the ground, with a gravestone marking it. and although, i knew that was impossible, i never really wanted to think about it. Like, with my aunt, i couldn't even go to the service or the burial... because of my fucking trip. so i wasn't able to see the burial there. but i figure i'm going to be there at my grandpa's considering i am 15... uggh, i am so fucking selfish, i shouldn't be worried about this. i just, i can't believe this is real.
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(speak out)
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| Friday, December 14th, 2001
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10:45 pm - it's not fair
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it's not fair, life is so unfair. my grandfather just died... i just got the news now... WHY? WHY RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS? why right after my aunt? WHY right after September 11th. I hate this year. i hate it. i can't wait until its over. why did this have to happen? my dad doesn't deserve this pain. i didnt want to have to write about this, i wanted to be able to write about the awesome time i had at the high tech high dance...Why can't i cry? why am i not crying? i shouldn't have went to the dance tonight i knew he wasn't doing well, i should have stayed home. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE VISITED HIM IN THE HOSPITAL??? my parents keep on thinking it's better to protect me, why cant i be the judge of that. last time they didn't tell me about my aunt until after i was home from europe, after the funeral, after any hope of saying good bye. im wanted to say goodbye, and i wanted to say goodbye to my grandpa benny too. they wouldn't let me go, i needed to go. my brothers home now. this christmas is going to be horrible, we always went up to brooklyn, ate my grandma's food, watched tv with my grandpa- and was with the whole family. he can't be... it just can't be... why??? i can't take this, why am i not crying?
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(speak out)
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| Tuesday, December 11th, 2001
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7:45 pm - It's been a year now...
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wow...
a year?
wow.
Today marks my journal's one year anniversary...
This journal has changed, and yet remained constant at the same time in the time frame of this one year... the format's different, the font is different, the people are different. when I started this no one knew about livejournal... it was kind of nice, but now a lot of people have them, which should have no impact on my journal, but it does for some reason. I still write in it, some deep, most not- having lapses for a lot of dates and important events, but overall getting the gist of my teenage years.
I started this journal freshman year- this exact date. I was home sick, I remember, and worrying about the Freeman map that was due.A lot has changed in a year... I have changed more than when I started freshman year, I think I'm reverting back to my old ways, back to eighth grade... it's much better this way, I think. this year has been so amazing (in both the good and bad meaning of the word). Throughout this year there have been so many changes for me (in no particular order) I've changed schools, traveled outside of the country for almost a month; my dad's gotten better since last November, I've dealt with the death of my Great Aunt (which I still haven't written about), the first attack on U.S. civilian soil, my first experience with war first hand, my brother going away to college, looking for a new house, making all new friends, completing my first year of high school, my grandpa being in the hospital, doing something wrong and facing the consequences, losing friends, my perspective of life has changed, as well as my sleeping habits, taste in music and sooo much more.
all in all I think this journal has helped me, and I'm thankful (as corny as that sounds) for having it.
~Laura
current mood: content
current music: The Youth Ahead - It's Not Me
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(2 thoughts | speak out)
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| Sunday, December 9th, 2001
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2:19 am - lots of stuff
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it's late- so i'll write tomorrow- but basically, life is starting to get back into some sort of order (if such a thing as order does exist, it's getting there...) =o)
~Laura
current mood:  busy
current music: mxpx- hot and cold
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(speak out)
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| Saturday, December 8th, 2001
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7:08 pm - kitty?
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