LiveJournal for ViKKi (bUg BiTE*). View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002

(1 slash |get the knife)

Subject: how do I do this? Time: 2:52 pm. Mood: full. Music: Radiohead.

i just woke up. i cant figure out how to make this journal update program work for dead journal as well... i am bored. im probably going to be sitting here all doing nothing and watching tv. my sister isnt home though, which is good becase that means u can spend all day on the computer. andrew ended up coming here last night out of nowhere. thank god Dad was sleeping!

(get the knife)

Subject: yeah that would be great. Time: 5:54 pm. Mood: groggy. Music: Lacrimosa.

well I just discovered that amanda has scarlet fever. fucking great. ashley told me. this sucks soo much. now we know why shes been absent from school for so long. the worst part about it, is that shes had it for a while and she does not know how long. me and ashley both drank out of her water bottle, and we both feel sick too. we think we might have it now. but i dont know, because there are other symptoms that come along with scarlet fever. ashley is going to the doctors to get checked out, and i think i will too. so yeah anyway, i cant wait till steve leaves tonight. i feel like a shit fuck saying that i dont like when he is home, but i dont. he ruins everything. but how can i say that about my best friends fiance? im such a cunt to think this. i mean, she knows i dont like the fact that he doesnt even want her to go out on the weekends, but he takes up everything. i feel bad saying this, but its true. i think i want to make another live journal. or a dead journal. i dont know. if i ever have the time. its a project, everything is a fucking project. pino and emily both asked me if me and dan are married yet, i laughed. im bored. america online can suck a penis. i think im going to watch a movie. ninja scroll. where is marissa? she said that steve will be leaving before 9:00, so that is good. more time i can spend with my best friend. i miss ashley too. her mom is a cunt, she doesnt let her hang out with me anymore...because you know, im such a "bad person" and everything..

(get the knife)

Subject: time for Plan B Time: 12:49 am. Mood: determined. Music: cannibal corpse - FUCKED WITH A KNIFE!.

just got off the phone with dan. i cant sleep. i like dan. he is good. and he does everyhting else good too. its weird because him and i are finally moving to different levels. time did need to wait everyhting out. it was just fate i think. and i know i dont sound stupid saying that because he knows it too. him and i are soulmates, we have both agreed on this a while ago. i didnt think id ever get to this point. all others can go FUCK THEMSELVES because you are all shit. its funny because i hear of all these girls who are actually trying to move into my territory, something that is rightfully mine. we claimed eachother, therefore everyone else sucks. its funny because people think i wont find out about certain things. about things being said. things being read. i laugh. i just hope that i am entertaining all of you =)

(get the knife)

Subject: i can see you Time: 10:22 pm. Mood: amused.

Emily got a DeadJournal!

(get the knife)

Subject: took another gay test Time: 12:52 pm.

Take the Online BULLSHIT fucktard tests: How good are you in bed test by dr jo0lie FiTS x 138 [12:28 PM]: go to school FiNdMYgLoRy22 [12:28 PM]: i did FiTS x 138 [12:28 PM]: amazing

(get the knife)

Subject: fuck all you stupid ignorant people Time: 9:31 pm. Mood: angry. Music: strawberry gashes - jack off jill.

if i hear one more thing about people reading this live journal that are not supposed to, i am deleting it. sorry, but you will no longer have such a thrill as reading the life of vikki, when you go online anymore. im sick and tired of this shit. i know its a public journal and shit, but theres no need to bring my personal life into your social life. do i go and read your shit? no. i probably dont even know you, and if i did, i probably would not like you. i know i dont talk to you, have never talked to you, and will never talk to you. and if you are going to be nosy about a persons life, someone you dont even know, then please keep it to your fucking self atleast. god damn motherfuckers. you all really suck.

(get the knife)

Subject: im in school Time: 12:50 pm. Mood: accomplished. Music: gay people talking.

hey people. i am in school. i just looked up info of president hoover. we are in the library on new computers. good stuff. ill write more later when i get home. i hope i get to see dan today! i hate history class. i go to art soon.

(get the knife)

Subject: being in love with someone wonderful makes you think... Time: 4:52 pm. Mood: indescribable. Music: "the kinslayer" (Hi Ash...BFF!).

all i can do it sit here dazed and blurry from thinking all day about the person i love. sometimes when you let yourself go, the parts left exposed are filled with deep feelings and emotions. i have opened myself up to many things recently. i used to shut everything out of my life, and not let anything effect me. i used to be cold and unloving. but after finding that one person, the one you are meant to be with, makes everything complete and whole. sometimes i still feel an empty void inside, but i guess that is because ther is still room for more. sometimes i sit down and cry because im in love. its hard to tell wether they are tears or joy or sadness, because the two are so closly related in my mind and heart. there is so much of me left undiscovered by this person i love with every last drop of feeling and tears i have. its so overwhelming to posess something so wonderful as the feeling of true love. its not something many really have. they think they have it, but the feeling of true love is shadowed and darkly seperated from that of obsession, lust, and infatuation. today i felt my heart beat and a burning in my eyes, and a tear fell down my cheek. it was oe of the most amazing things i have ever felt. that one single moment proved to me that this is all worth something. some times it is too much for me to handle, because theres so much beauty and meaning and fullness to this bond i share with someones soul. its one thing to have your soul, and everything you feel magically inside feel compassionate towards another. but its anther thing to know in your head, that while you are feeling this connection of invisable truth, that there is a chance the other soul can or is feeling it too. even if they do not posess love, that bond is strong enough to with stand anything, any challenge, and forcetrying to break it in two. when two lips meet for the first time, willing to share the well known powerful kiss, one mind races, and the other mind is still and calm, yet racing at the same time. one heart drops and rises with overwhelming happiness, and the other begings to let in an unknown force that is hard to control. one set of eyes close, as the tears being to form in the crease for such a wonderful few seconds, and the other's close in the heat analyzation of the moment. i can only beathe the air in deep and exhale built up emotion and nervousness. it's a sedated state that i wish i could be in forever, because in those few moments, everything is right in the world. then i lay down and hope that everything will be alright. it is amazing what love can do.

(get the knife)

Subject: THIS IS FUCKING FREAKED OUT Time: 1:25 am. Mood: scared. Music: you mom's moaning in my bed..

JagDinner [1:13 AM]: hey how are you doing? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:13 AM]: im fine FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:13 AM]: whose this JagDinner [1:13 AM]: ryan, we don't know each other. do you like death metal alot? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:14 AM]: of course JagDinner [1:15 AM]: how old r u? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:15 AM]: 17 JagDinner [1:16 AM]: what is ur name? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:16 AM]: vikki FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:16 AM]: why? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:16 AM]: how old are you? JagDinner [1:16 AM]: 22. just wondering JagDinner [1:17 AM]: may I ask you an extremely weird question? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:17 AM]: ...um sure JagDinner [1:18 AM]: have you ever thought about or would you ever consider having a guy or someone for dinner as food? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:19 AM]: how do u mean....do you mean like, eating humans? JagDinner [1:19 AM]: yes. like tryin cannibalism FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:20 AM]: id never do it, but its weird you ask that JagDinner [1:20 AM]: why wouldn't you ever do it? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:20 AM]: today my friend and i were at manbeef.com its a site where you can buy human meat to cook. and then i was reading all about that. FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:21 AM]: i just honestly cant tolerate the thought of chewing human meat. and i dont think it would taste very good. FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:21 AM]: i dont like meat that much anyway. i have a hard time eating a hamburger..i cant imagine eating a person. FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:21 AM]: why did you ask me? JagDinner [1:21 AM]: I sometimes kinda like to think about being a female's dinner. is that toooo weird to you? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:22 AM]: not too weird, just different JagDinner [1:22 AM]: if it was fixed to taste really well, would you might try it? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:23 AM]: are you trying to get at something? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:23 AM]: no im sorry. i would never consume a human JagDinner [1:23 AM]: ok sorry for bothering you FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:23 AM]: its quite alright... i just dont wanna be eating any arms in the near future FiNdMYgLoRy22 [1:24 AM]: manbeef.com go here if you wanna buy someones foot or something

(get the knife)

Subject: sportyshana [10:25 PM]: fine boogerhead!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time: 10:24 pm. Mood: blah. Music: thursday.

UMM...who the fuck is this person? they just randomly IMed me and started baby shit like this. ok whatever. so last night i slept at jennas house. so did laura and ariel. we hung out with luke and we went to red bank. we saw this really gay pop punk band called All Rights Reserved. they blew goats cock. they were all like 17 year old homosexuals with guitars and no knowledge of what they were doing. they were ripping off saves the day so badly. anyway, i got home today at like 1 and then did nothing. i finally got in the shower at like 6 and stuff. then laura came over for an hour because jenna wanted to go to her hew boyfriends house. hes the new homosexual of the week. gay shit man, i tell you. we wanted tony to hang out, but he had his usual speech of, "i was bored all day and it made me tired so im not going anywhere" oh well. laura left early because her mom wont come any later. so then i cleaned up the entire house after my sister and all of her fuckin friends becuase they are all lazy bastards. then i went to get the pizza for my dad and sister and the whole noise making crew she had over. now im home and i am bored. this was a complete waste of a saturday. fuck. Pseudofreedom [10:27 PM]: what tabs should i print? FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:28 PM]: misfits FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:28 PM]: dillinger FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:28 PM]: saves the day FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:28 PM]: danzig Pseudofreedom [10:29 PM]: bah no punk rock. dillingers too fucking hard. saves thew day sucks my asshole. danzig.... not yet. FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:31 PM]: ok FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:31 PM]: how about some cradle FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:31 PM]: or bodom Pseudofreedom [10:31 PM]: too fucking hard, never mind im goin with some deftones FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:32 PM]: the usual shit FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:32 PM]: pink maggot FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:32 PM]: lol Pseudofreedom [10:32 PM]: ha nah not this time i got be qiet and drive FiNdMYgLoRy22 [10:32 PM]: good shit

(get the knife)

Time: 7:46 pm. Mood: moody. Music: misfits.

Don’t taunt, don’t tease me. Truly I am not. Remove those glasses from your eyes and look upon the horror that I am. She shoves her hands close in front of his face.) Can younow see these work-worn hands, reminiscent of the slavery I sold myself into? Come close. (He takes a tentative stepforward) No closer yet, (She grabs him and yanks him forward so that they are nearly nose to nose.) and lookclosely at my face. Each line is a different sorrow thatdrove pure cynicism and hatred into my soul. Study thisbody that you so admire; there is not other like it in theworld. None so harshly used nor so readily given. Worse than all of these, view my soul. It is free to you and thestory it tells is as simple to read as a child’s book. Take note of the blackness of it. Not a spot of white isleft to mar its irreproachable wickedness. Now can you find it within yourself to call me beautiful? You never once did, and you never will. (He looks shocked.) No. You cannot even think those words of me. Lovely, sweet, beautiful, precious. They will never cross your lips in reference to me. It is no longer possible for you to even utter them as lie to be kind to the monster which only moments ago you professed the utmost love, yet unlove for. Now leave me. Before I decide to take you to hell with me. The heavens won't accept me because of an unknown reason. (She pushes him out the door, bars it heavily behind him, then falls to the floor and weeps.)

(get the knife)

Subject: if i really wanted to, i'd kill. Time: 7:16 pm. Mood: contemplative. Music: Morbid Angel (good fuckin stuff).

i do not know what to do. ok so tom's been calling me everyday. even from school. and dan doesnt want him and i talking. i mean, i completely understand that and i am going to respect him. it's not like im in love with plant. i love dan. and im pretty sure that by this point, he knows that i do, and that its not just some stupid words or phrase that i tell him to keep him by me. sometimes i wonder though, is it worth anyhting? i mean, time wise. will i ever get anywhere. dan says i won't. so i sit here with tears falling off my cheeks while asking mysel why i wait here for so many months when i know that there will never be a dya when i will be happy. should i give up? no i cant. i will never. this is something i have to go through with, even if i neevr get anywhere. not just for him, and to prove people wrong, but for myself. this is a big challenge for me, and its very hard to get through this challenge alone. theres a person we know that doesnt think this is a lost cause. i kow that dan and i should be together. its a fact. i know this all too well. and he knows it too. but i will never be what he wants. its like when you go to the store, and you go to buy a certain cd that youve wanted for a long time. so you go to the store, and you go to where the cd would be, but they only have the other album by that band, not the one you wanted. so you settle for less than what you really want. thats how it is. or not even. because in this case, you are just not even going to buy the other album, you're going to get the one you wanted somewhere else. did you get that? (ashley, its kind of like you, john, and kenny) i just dont know what to do anymore. and ive come to the conclusion that the only reason plant likes me, is becase of why dan said, im affiliated with him. if he just met me at a random place and started talking, i bet he would not have the same interests in me and he does now. what is wrong with me? theres something horrible aboput me that no one tells me. but i mean, why cant i see it? why cant i tell what it is? when i sum myself up, and i think of all the things about me that people will notice, i honestly, really dont find that many bad things about me. why am not good enough? i forget what test dan said him and i were going through, but i hope im passing it. because im practically cracking and rotting in every way possible while running this thing. but i do try. i try hard. harder than anything ive ever tried for in my life. i can think of everything non-materialistic in life that ive ever wanted. this is the most desired of everything. i do not ask for much. i don't ask anyone for anyhting. i dont ask God for anything more than I diserve. but i do diserve this. and if there really is a god, does he even listen to me? does he see the situatin in all perspectives? doe she see how much i hurt? does he see how hard i try? does he see how much i desire to be satisfactual? i will never measure up. but then why does everything seem to fit so perfectly together? i mean, if you were in my place, or dans place, well maybe not dans place, possibly. then you would see how those small edges that go nowhere, have their match. last night was probably the night that made me think the most out of this whole thing. but does that mean i am getting somewhere? or dos this ean that its going to be another 6 months? its hard for me to say anything because i know so little. i get such a small amount revealed to me, and i have to draw any conclusions i have from that minor bit of information. it is hard. anyone normal would have given up a long time ago...but i am not anyone. i am different. theres differences about me that not even dan see's. because he has not given himself the chance to see. he sees what i display on the outside and some of the inside. im weak around him and i say too much. but theres still that unknown and unexpected part of me deep inside. i just wish that the right person would see it. because in my eyes, no one else matters anymore.

(get the knife)

Subject: "So no more crying tonight. All there is are bad dreams and the yelling from the pain." Time: 5:23 pm. Mood: drained. Music: naglfar.

so yesterday was one very weird day. dans friend plant came to hang out. we went to this pizza place and i saw pino (penile) there. then we all went to the show and dan got all weird because i was with plant. he didnt like that. but its not like anything happened. no one undersyands, i fucking love dan with all my heart, he is my world. he doesnt understand. he will never understand, all i need is him. i need to see him more. i hate evrrything. then after we all went back to plants house and played gta3. this guy who was there, was fuckin killer at the game, i watched him play for like 2 hours. i think they called him bush. and these other guys, larry and tim, made me talk to this girl for them online. it was funny shit. it ws fun though. plant and i get along really well. hes a good kid. anyway, so i talked to wendy today, and she wanted em to call marissa for her because she needed to talk to her about "something" and i had to explain for an hour why steve wont let her tlak to anyone. tomorow is practice. ashley, are you coming? you can use the new mic i got. it will be killer. those shure-beta people really know their shit. ive been listening to graves on mp3 all day. ash remember that band that mike told you to listen to a while ago? thats graves. man that was a long time ago wasnt it? yeah. anyways, this chick rosie from bleeding grounds gave me a demo last night. its pretty decent. tim and pino said i was macking it with her but i definately was not. oh, and i got my court paper for the trial against gimp. i have court this friday at 11:30am. that means i get to miss school. good fuckin shit. but then i get to go up in front of like 23 people and tell them about how i was raped. fuckin great. i am going to be so embarassed. and i have the dr's tomorrow. man. laura do you know how to do html? i need to know. i need to make a site. its gay. until the world is over...

LiveJournal for ViKKi (bUg BiTE*). View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.