| sounds serious, but not |
[08 May 2004|01:04pm] |
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mood |
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Lusty |
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music |
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PS: Horses |
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![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040513102420im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) epilady used the phrase, lay down in front of a truck to in a post this morning & it sparked me thinking about willingly laying down in front of a truck in order to _____
I'm curious, what would folks fill in the blank with (I'm asking myself too)
:::edit:::
I guess I said it unclearly - more willing to lay down in front of a truck in order to meet some goal, protect something, improve something...it's one of those phrases that makes no literal sense - more 'that's how much effort I'd put out/pain I'd emdure for ___________
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| Qi is Key |
[06 May 2004|09:33pm] |
chi2 also ch'i or Qi or qi ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ch)
n.
The vital force believed in Taoism and other Chinese thought to be inherent in all things. The unimpeded circulation of chi and a balance of its negative and positive forms in the body are held to be essential to good health in traditional Chinese medicine.
Chinese (Mandarin) qì, air, spirit, energy of life.]
IMHO 'joy' is qi. (no explanation needed, I assume)
I'm sick of war crap, not just this specific, but the whole deal...I'm sick of it
Bin Laden Said to Offer Gold for Killings
http://news.yahoo.com/?tmpl=story&u;=/ap/20040507/ap_on_re_mi_ea/bin_laden_reward_offer&cid;=540&ncid;=716
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| Spikey-haired Me |
[29 Apr 2004|12:54am] |
My hair is long enough to start curling on top and it looks as if I could have straight hair & be using a bit of gell...But..."I have no time for fantasies or lies & neither should you. Enjoy or die." - Sid Vicious
I love Hardcore Zen and the author's site Sit Down and Shut Up http://www2.gol.com/users/doubtboy/ This site is great too, on how to do zazen http://www.do-not-zzz.com/
Stick with it as the fly does stop buzzing.
In Hardcore Zen Brad, the punk from Ohio, writes about how artists & athletes have a good sense of the balance of the Universe, primarily because they have experienced the centering effects of repetitive focus. But rarely can they keep this balance in other parts of their lives. I definetly used to perform simply because I felt so clean after rehersal...I really tried to get the BBC to focus on this...but it's all about disability & sexuality, right? Yep.
So, life is no longer theoretical to me so...but I'm ironically I'm striving for that way of being where I am on stage in the role of me and everything is perfect...ironically I have to quit striving and be receptive to get "there"
I asked Brad some questions about not letting other people's mythologies and behavior steal my joy. Here is part of his answer:
Ultimately all of us are responsible for the way we respond to the things that come our way. We tend to believe our responses to various outside stimuli are uncontrollable. But it's really only our initial gut level response that's beyond control.
Say something annoying happens. In the first second afterwards you feel annoyed. But after that initial feeling occurs you have a choice where to go from there. Can you put that feeling aside? It can be very hard to do so. When you give up that response, you might feel you are losing yourself. And you are. But if you can lose yourself, your outlook will always improve. I'm not saying I can always do this myself. But I've done it enough that I know it's always the best way to respond. You do this in zazen as well. You keep putting aside your responses to the practice, your perceived need to move around, your perceived need to think about something, etc.
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| Musical Theater |
[18 Apr 2004|05:25pm] |
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I'm bursting with excitement in anticipation of the next stranger to ask me what my disability is - so I can answer "Musical Theater!" and burst out in song.
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| Law & Order in the elevator |
[14 Apr 2004|03:12am] |
I hope the sexy woman in black on the elevator today is NOT my dramatic neighbor who squaks every weekend. She seemed like a lovely person, but had a lot of pent up energy & was pleasantly aggresive but I suspect I wouldn't want to get in her way.
Her voice was that deep raspy sound of Angie Harmon and I hope to find out more about her soon. (god, don't let her be straight, please don't let her be straight)
Unrelated to this (at least directly) is the answer to my question that I took an internet break to ask - see below - which a friend provide for me (sometimes others have to do my thinking for me & thank god they do). It's been a real bear to understand how I've become no longer human but Disabled in my self image. Even harder to break through to see a way to un-do that.
I've often wondered why I don't value my friends, family and people who love and have put their hearts into my happiness and literally my existence. I burn bridges and chase people out of my life out of pure pettiness & I often wonder why am I so non-accepting of emotional 'realities' that conflict with my own. Part of it is ambition & single-mindedness, which is good (and nessecary for my injuries/accessability), part of it is, as the phrase goes, "you treat people like you've been treated". (no, I don't jump into people's showers uninvited)
But I do tend to de-humanize people (in my mind, although treat them with surface respect). The way to deactivate my secret self-image of a symbol of a person is to see people as people. This was a great insight for me & I feel like 'doing' again. (Things seem so easy when I'm sitting & thinking, but the leg pain & fear of future operations & people hassle has been making me not do & I have been needing a new mental tool to stay motivated)
Once again it is compassion that has returned my spontenaity & unhibititedness. BUT not the idea of compassion. Realizing compassion (to myself & others) must be in the way I listen & how I treat people on a deeper level. I think this will keep me in 3-d mode rather than drifting to labels.
"Evil" is a X-tian Bush idea and I needed it explained in less theoretical terms.
"Evil is undiciplined or perverted self interest. Any one who is a self can become undiciplined and perverted. This is why so many spiritual paths, cheifly Buddhism, sees so much evil in the idea of self and tries to make an end run around it.
Understanding evil in this way allows one to become more compassionate, generous and opened with the world by illustrating one’s own potential for evil and making one walk more softly in this knowledge. This is not its greatest virtue in a situation such as yours however. What is much more important is that if you realize that people who perpetrate evil aren’t like supernatural
forces, this realization takes a great deal of power out of their image. Perversity is natural and can, to an extent, be understood and controlled."
I've cracked open my 365 Tao and am beginning to re-start on my journey of self-cultivation (which means leg lifts among other things). Because I don't like the bitter drag queen I've become & still strive to be dignified, outreageous & brilliant with my home, my body and the world as my alter.
(the Angie Harmon gal can be my alter too. Yum!)
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| Cool dude. |
[13 Apr 2004|10:09am] |
The Beeb producer just updated me. So I guess since it was finally broadcast last Dec. it can now be put in conf. & such. I'll let people know if I know of any entries/showings but they really don't tell me these things...and don't often tell the Producer as she's moved on to other projects.
"The BBC entered Desirability* into Superfest XX1V ** and guess what 'Julia's
Body' won best won Best of Festival so congratulations....
Two of the other films won awards as well."
*The series title (4 30 min docos)
**Superfest is THE disability activist film contest to win if one is a do-it-yourself-heart-of-the-revolution crip.
I still find my semi-fame, annoyingly ironic, but I'm off today & might get a chance to pick out a birthday present - I'm thinking hightops & caargo shorts (mine were the original homemade RIT dye purple Nike)
I'd like some computer.video stuff but Mom has agreed the clothes will be her present (although she might insist on picking them out)...gosh, now I want books too but I often only read half anyway
time to eat & dress so traditional people will want to give me $...but no skirts <:
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| Permits needed? |
[13 Apr 2004|09:35am] |
this idea just occured to me (& I might forget it by tonight).
Suggestions for a fun celebration/protest are need- a general queer/postqueer thing
I'd like any ideas for a place (specific or obviously non-specific, where a fun protest/celebration, would be useful)
I'm not this kind of organizer at all so any suggestions on time, length, what to do about parking, etc would be appreciated.
It might be fun to go to a play, etc - then start making out en masse during or after....don't even know if a kiss in is a good idea.
I am 'SamesexMarriage' on Friendster, which has about 1000 friends (4 subsites)...most don't know me in RL....but I post interesting updates/actions on the bulliten board & they are a lively bunch who Love to show the Love...
most of them in MA or CA but some local folks...posted this message on the bulliten board.
"this would happen in Seattle (if at all).
I'd like ideas about a fun celebration/protest - a kiss- in maybe.
My birthday is Saturday (April 17) and I haven't really thought about a party or what I want to do. I'm a very low-key person & don't drink (don't mind people who do - bars & beer just aren't my thing).
BUT (this is just my during coffee thoughts & of no certainty) that a bit of useful trouble causing might be in order.
Don't have any ideas on where, when (it could be during the day)...I like the idea because I believe marriage should be a celebration of life, love and people who were once strangers show the world their pride and their promise to treat each other well.
Just thoughts...
xxo samesex"
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| "friends only" |
[09 Apr 2004|10:30am] |
Don't worry about this if we are alredy friends (I might clip a few communities). My LJ has been "friends only" for months. This message is just because I never got around to typing this message....but here it is...
Hi, this journal is going friends only. If you want to read it & are a fairly pleasant person, just send me a "hello".
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| These are the ways I feed my hate |
[26 Mar 2004|02:47pm] |
Just got an e-mail from CF, the BBC Producer (I guess that's initial dropping). She's been "following" me since whenever I started grad school in Aus. (years suddenly don't make sense to me). She's a straight, very pretty woman with a devoted husband & a little girl. Her interest in sexuality & disability is that she has CP and people would assume her baby wasn't hers or be put off that it was Or that her hubbie married out of pity & was suffering & in need of a 'real girl' OR that there was domething wrong with her hubbie for not being able to get anyone but a ____.
She was the only person to encourage my swimming after the 2001op (besides Mom, who picked me up) and is the only friend to send me b-day/x-mas presents.
She asked me how I was & I had to tell her that I'd spent all my holidays alone so far but now that I could shower on a regular basis that I expected life to get much much better quickly as I had my fave pain control method back & smelling bad in public was not a big issue. Also, that the whole thing had humiliated me and I hadn't wanted to be around anyone who thought I was cool or inspirational while I hurt inside.
Anyway, I will answer her much, much later when I hfeel better, as it hurts that she put so much effort into my documentary & me & I've let it go to waste.
_______________
It was weird to be haunted by that RJ memory last night & it haunted me when I woke up. Basically, what happened was after this public kudos of my performing/producing/community activism, she (or a colleague) told me privatly afterwards that I was silly to think she had meant it, that it was said to show a spirit of diversity, and that I was unwelcome at a SOMA party that the audience had been invited to afterwards, adding that no one would want me at a cool party. (I had asked where the party she had mentioned was)...I probably didn't reply but had gone home and cried and of course believed every word. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, because who would believe me? But the truth is I can't recall going to any parties or anyone's house fn that 6 years in SF. (I did go to some in Berkeley & I had a few SF invitations I declined - just like here)
But what hit me in the gut last night was this feeling, why do I care about racism or homophobia or injustice? Why do I care about the rights and feelings of people who wouldn't allow me into their house either actively by telling me to go away or passively by not caring about a need for a handrail (or whatever). I don't. I can't let myself waste my time on them anymore.
When I was working out the schedule for the BBC shoot, no able-bodied dancers/performers would join the dance troupe, let alone drop by the rehersals to offer an eye & be on the BBC. I contacted some able-bodied performers of color I had admired the work of and asked if they'd be willing to be interviewed. It was so strange, the sense of entitlement, as if the documentary was really about them. After talking to them, the Director declined to interview them saying, "these people don't care about you, they just want to be on the BBC".
My anti-racist comment happened naturally. Two african-american performers with disabilities heard I was coming to town, dropped by the 1st rehersal and decided to stay. The two able-dancers that answered my ad on Dancebayarea where african- american but hadn't told me. LOL. The one white dancer that answered the ad, had been able-bodied, till a year prior. Thank *god* she dropped out!!! Or maybe I asked her to leave, I think I did... What a whiney, demanding, prejudiced bitch she was. Wanting me to pay her phone bill as the stage manager kept her chatting on the phone too long, wanting me NOT to use a dildo microphone on-stage as it would embarass her parents *IF* they found out, & generally trashing the a male dancer with dstonia. Mills college student, but still old enough to know better.
What's my long-winded point? I don't ever want to glamourize that time period.SW wants to introduce me to some artists. I already feel the hatred burning inside me. I'm embarassed to feel that way.
I guess when one talks about race & class & disability & Queer it's all bullshit. It's all looking good in public - to get one's metaphorical dick sucked. But when one can say "I love you and I don't want you to hurt anymore" to lots of different kinds of people from lots of different places, that's real, that's what being alive is about. Anything less is just cheap packaging.
I best get buzy and stop worrying about plastic people.
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| Fixed- Tell me about Oral Sex. |
[16 Mar 2004|09:47pm] |
Darn it! Made this 'friends only' by mistake! So many LJ friends talk about enjoying alcohol that this week I've decided to try a bit of red wine with my days. A glass a day is healthy right? Hee hee. It increases my blonde potential.
Post anonymously & if you post mames, use a ____ or something. Geez, sex is ok. But I crave oral sex. more & more oral sex or will wilt like flower. Anyone realate? I stopped back ___ because of AIDS fear & I guess I've been in hospital enough as I have nightmares about being in hospital w/ AIDS after eating love. But now I'm just hungry.
Ode to Oral: Let's hear it.
(+your best experience, just curious - anonymous only)
guys can answey hee hee
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| Send me your address if you want mail |
[15 Mar 2004|02:05am] |
Backwaen I swang dildos & danced with wheelchairs for love,peace & harmony, I got a Federal grant. Among things I bought were 'Thank you' notes with red roses on them. Just the thing to say, "Bravo!"
I actually love sending postcards & little abstract notes. You can reply & then delete your comment and I'll get it but it won't show on LJ.
ps. I've lost a bit of weight on the South Beach. All in my left breast.
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| Not needing people |
[14 Mar 2004|11:01am] |
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Well, my heart was beating very loudly last night. (Just the angle my head was) So I started listening to it and asking questions. (& no, I'm not a hippie)...
It said don't need people. I said, "what????" Not angrily, just don't need. (hey, talkin' to my organs has gotten me through 21 major operations so when organs sing "black & orange stray cat sittin on a fence...", I listen)
"Don't need people". ...I'm self-reliant to the point of insanity & not really by first choice & I'm concerned about having to celebrate my birthday alone. I think my last birthday party with other people was a surprise party by Karen Schwabach 15 years ago. (Things haven't been lite-hearted).
So now that life is lite-hearted, what's up with these Seagull City queer girls inviting me places then disappearing when I accept? It's bizarre. I mean seriously, annoingly bizarre and it hapenned my first week here last September and I'm still falling for the ole "invitation trick". Why in the hell would anyone invite someone to a queer cabaret & offer a ride then disappear? Yeah, Yeah. But so many Seattle grrls have offered to show me around then disappeared when I said, cool.
Am I missing something? Is this a lesbian thing ...no means yes & yes means no? Are the social rules backwards here? Should I start inviting women over and give the the wrong address as a sign of friendship?
Life is too precious.
I remember the hell that was my life facing my 4th hip replacement in 2001, my "hip" almost had worn through my pelvis. Another operation meant recovering while my family called me a sexual freak...I think of the needle shoved in my swollen foot, the IV in my swollen hand, the unmentionable things & the young nurse aid calling after my stretcher, "you deserve a reward for surviving an accident like that". I just smiled, "this is my reward".
Am I going to put up with weak women? ROFL. I think that answer is obvious. Is Seagull City totally bland? Friendly but devoid of substance? I suspect so.
Is there anywhere in the world that I can go where strangers will welcome me? No. Is there anywhere in the world that I can expect my $ to buy the equivelent of an nondisabled persons? (eg. an expensive apt where I can take a shower/ not be lied to by managers) No.
I guess not needing people is being balanced, like in my SF rehersals. I'd like to go boating & in the Mountains & see some performances. & I'd like a g_friend fer gads sake. But this is the last time I even waste my writing time on weak people.
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| Stolen from Antiochbitch |
[13 Mar 2004|12:15am] |
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music |
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clock ticking |
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Post anything that you want (in comments), and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love -- whatever's on your mind. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.
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| Products the Constitution MUST Ban |
[02 Mar 2004|11:47am] |
The ban must not be on marriage alone. Everyday reminders of Sodomy & Sodomites must be removed from our grocery shelves. Here are a few icons of Evil:
KlonDYKE Bars
Rough Rid[h]er condoms
Latex products from SAFEway
StarBUCKS (is that "Star" a drag queen?)
Starkist Tuna (tuna is banned for women)
All LY-[with]SOL products
Lady Fresh Deoderant
All Arm and Hammer products (a fisting reference, obviously)
Men will be prohibited from eating Paul Newman's spheghetti sauce, Captain Crunch cereal
Women will be prohibited from eating "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter", all forms of fish, any breast meat
(Dr. Bronner & Dr. Scholl products are fine for both men and women but the label will include a warning that the Doctor is the opposite gender of the product user and the products are only to be used while fully clothed)
*feel free to add
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| War is getting to me |
[01 Mar 2004|04:21pm] |
30
Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men
doesn't try to force issues
or defeat enemies by force of arms.
For every force there is a counterforce.
Violence, even well intentioned,
always rebounds upon oneself.
Murderers are really getting to me today. But the above is the only thing keeping me from ripping someone's throat out. Hatred is so ugly. Life is so precious, fragile and fleeting.
Quick! Not a moment to lose! "I like the kids with the opened- up faces, I like the kids with ways of their own/ you can leave the hate alone tonight..." Now just imagine me lip syncing into a giant dildo...now I want to show the BBC tape to *everyone*...if someone makes a copy and sends the original back there could be a postal tree, but I'm too lazy to make a copy.
Yep.
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| Police States, Nursing Homes & Self-Mutilation |
[01 Mar 2004|09:11am] |
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yeah, it's cool. I'll be like a fuckin' tidal wave. That's how I got my limpin' ass all over the world. I'm probably stuck livin' in this country. But it's time to stop thinking and just let whatever take over.
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| Local Office of Civil Rights called |
[29 Feb 2004|09:28pm] |
Well, this is why I know if same sex marriage thing is in the hands of bureaucracy thee's no point getting upset about what will happen tomorrow, it's more a matter of settling in to wait.
Is this like a Seagull City social thing - to call people constantly to tell them a letter is on the way or that they will have time for you soon, then not send the letter or make plans? Does anyone have any idea how this can make one a nervous wreck? So this letter that I'm supposed to sign & return that has been "guarenteed" seemingly weekly since mid-December to arrive in my mailbox is now supposed to arrive in my mailbox. (tomorrow?).
y'know, in my little secret nasty selfish heart that I won't let anyone know about (except LJ), I've been resenting the whole civil rights thing. I mean what about my rights? Would the same people people who I'm wanting to protect the right of turn around and protect ADA issues? No, of course not because they aren't disabled so it doesn't effect them. Like they don't have a body so laws about bodies don't effect them?
Am I disabled? Of course not. What a bunch of shit we do with our minds as we put people in little boxes so they can't breath. Last night in my little secret nasty selfish unarticulate heart I was thinking how nondisabled queers are stupid and not much use beyond carrying things, if even that. I will let it go with that as I know that little bitter nasty selfish heart part really just needs comfort & adventure rather than to be listened to (too mucch).
I feel like breaking something when I think about these past couple months & how trapped I've been/felt. I outgrew putting holes in the wall over a decade ago...I think I best not think of spray paint or even go there...
Well, I tried to get a hold of Khaos & my brother so I can set a date. There is lots of stuff to be done & I have no caffine. or much food besides veggies.
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| Weird 'Butch in diner' dream |
[29 Feb 2004|06:55pm] |
Well, I just woke up a while ago. Had a dream about a diner- the ole local truck stop kind where men are men and women are women. Only they weren't LOL.
The people were over the top Southern & the big issue was making leek pie. (Do they make pie out of leeks? Is it good? Sounds disgusting actually). But it was just like all American apple pie.
The waitress didn't have enough leeks to make her pie with and was discussing this in depth with her friend. I was in my role of sweet, but barely able to articulate a sentence to a woman, super shy dufus role. And while they were talking I went to the corner store and bought some leeks & gave them to the waitress. Who was very pleased. I keep trying to remember the dialogue, cuz I know "leeks" is probably a brain play on words - can't understand it though.
There was a guy there, but he mostly sat at the counter & drank coffee. He was like a army captain or something, but there was no homophobia or anything, it was all super friendly and these were everyday normal activities.
Kind've funny, an over the top Southern accent is the only one I can do. I used it for a drag queen character (complete with ostrich-feather purple boa). Only time someone ever got offended enough to leave a show was a woman from Alanta who said I was stereotyping Southerners as stupid.
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| Consumer Strike, March 13th through March 27th |
[26 Feb 2004|07:51pm] |
Please pass this on to as many people as you can. We can make an impact!!!
Information about an interactive Web site will soon follow
I am merely a messenger. Please post any comments at the original post. Respond at original post Website info will be posted there and I'll post it in your community as well.
I (epilady's co-worker) propose that we all go on a consumer strike for 2 weeks. From March 13th through March 27th, don't buy anything you don't need--no luxury or leisure items (which are often taxed at higher rates).
A friend/coworker of epilady wrote this letter. Look for a website with more details soon, but for now, pass this on
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Hello all,
During this human rights crisis, all of us - whether gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered-and our supporters need to take action if we want the same rights as other Americans.
It goes against everything America claims to stand for to manipulate the
constitution with discriminatory amendments. Protecting the civil rights of every American-not just the majority of Americans-is a part of the Constitution's original design.
President Bush and all of his supporters now trying to ban gay marriage need to feel the direct impact of our community. Remember that our nation is strongly capitalist based and it's all about money at the end of the day.
Sooo...
I propose that we all go on a consumer strike for 2 weeks. From March 13th through March 27th, don't buy anything you don't need--no luxury or leisure items (which are often taxed at higher rates).
If we aren't good enough to get married, then the states don't need our money, either. Let them feel it where it hurts. This is something that we all can do.
Please distribute this message widely!
I also suggest that we pledge to donate the $$ we would have spent that week to an org like MoveOn, HRC, or Millionformarriage and pass the list of pledge names on to major papers so they get the point that our money, our votes, and our lives are not to be trifled with.
X-posted.
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