[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
eiaboca's LiveJournal:
| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004 | |
| 7:07 am | ( another quiz ) |
| 2:26 am | ( purity ) It comes on all of a sudden, the fear. Something moderately unusual happens, as in this case some drugged students wandering through the basement of the union, doing some weird dance that only people on coke and alcohol can really understand (I'm just guessing here, but I overheard some of the stuff they were saying, and this consequently is a very educated guess.), and then they started advancing toward me. And it is the apparent hair trigger for me, who's had too much caffiene and time alone in the past few days to really take in the scene and react. The kids, two male and one female, sort of half surround me and one of them falls on the table I am using. He sort of mumbles an apology and they wander off, chastizing one another, and my paranoia sails. It doesn't help that five minutes later a large group of drunken fuckheads clatter past me and yell nearly in my face that I "SHOULD BE OUT HAVING FUN DAMNIT, NOT STUDYING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT," almost getting their spittle on my backpack. I know that I have been these people variously in the not so distant past. So it's like I'm looking in a mirror. A fun house mirror. Not that I'm likely to change, but that isn't the focus of this story anyway. I wonder what leads up to my overwhelming fears sometimes, and stuff like this is it. Nothing much more, just a conglomeration of events designed to make me fucking crazy. I read novels where the characters don't even notice the way most people interact with others, and I'm jealous. It'd be a blessing if I had a passion for knowledge or some arcane technical know-how that I focused all my time on, or barring that, I just relied on internal information in order to develop thoughts and feelings, but I never can. |
| Thursday, February 19th, 2004 | |
| 8:21 pm | The place where I work smells so...officy. I kind of like it. Oddly enough though, it also kind of smells like Wal-Mart did when I worked there, and even a little like the Burger King I worked at in high school. Maybe I just invent a work smell in my head and go with it. But this place is definetly the best. Have I ever mentioned my lifelong love affair with stationary? Paper, pencils, highlighters, copiers...I love that shit. I could philosophize and say it was because of the beckoning possibilities of creation inherent in these tools, but really I just see fun. Today I was making these new member packets, which have a bunch of brochures, rules, and magazines in them, and it did make me think of creation. I more than thoroughly enjoy making reports, papers, stuff like that, as long as it's something I've done. I guess I'm a nerd. |
| 12:32 am | My counselor always tells me not to trust the "I feel" thoughts inside my head, as in "I feel like my life is always going to suck a big hairy nutsack, or that I will always be useless, or everyone will always end up hating me." He tries to explain that I can't prove it logically. But I can, and when he gets me on semantics I want to scream. Such as, today I told him that I feel as if I have no skills. Actually, I said "I think" because I was aware of his distaste of feeling. But he caught me, and knew it was a feel thought. He asked me if I could use a computer. Okay, that's just lame. I can't program anything special, I don't flourish in online communities or games, and I can't even make anything look pretty. Onto everything else. I just can't do much of any worth, I barely function as a human being. I enjoy my negativity, to a degree, cause otherwise wouldn't I have been working harder to undo it? I just don't know. Pain is fucking truth. My glass isn't half empty, it's half full and full of poison. Kind of like my brain. I've been relatively happy lately, but I know how it's going to end. With me in the gutter. If I pretended to become objective would I really see things in a different way? I try to believe so, but I just can't convince myself. Nostalgia works if you've had positive times in your life. When everyone around me wishes for days gone by, I think of the times that I was ostracized, criticized, and vilified as quickly as I do the dinners on the balcony at BARH. And for that matter, the dinners make me think of what I heard two new years' ago, that the kitchen staff thought I was a whore and actively made fun of me for the better part of three years. And then it makes me think of the events of that new years, a wonderful time of bloody violence and excruciating lonliness. Lest you pity me, know that I probably hate you. Current Mood:  ecstatic |
| 12:30 am | Why can men have a negative outlook on life and not be faulted for it, but when women do they're avoided like the fucking plague? |
| Wednesday, February 18th, 2004 | |
| 1:19 am | I don't understand people. I try not to be petty, but there really is no reason for certain things that people do. I guess I'll try to explain more later. |
| Wednesday, February 11th, 2004 | |
| 10:58 pm | At least today was better at work. Aside from the boring-ness, at least the people are easy to talk to and laid back. In other news, I think people on this campus are getting dumber by the minute. I just heard a girl complaining because "there [were] too many words in this textbook." I seriously need a liscence to kill. I mean it. Current Music: the lovely fountain in the library. I love this place. |
| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004 | |
| 6:53 pm | I've been to work for two days now. The job is the most boring thing I have ever done in my life. I already feel stupid cause I sit there alphabetizing forms all day, grumbling and growling to myself that I'm smarter than this, I deserve a job where I actually get to do some thinking. And part of it is of course fear that I'll never get to do that. But I've paid 120,000 plus for this stupid edjumicaschun, now where is my god damn reward? So this one girl, her job seems to be all purpose clerical work, asks me today what my major is. I tell her. She says, "It's funny, because me and JoAnne were both sociology majors too." And I want to simultaneously strangle her and curl up into a hole and die. I never thought I had real ambition until today. I literally would poke out my eyeballs with rusty nails, staple my eyelids shut with the nails still in there, pierce my eardrums with red hot iron fragments, cover my naked body in honey, lay in the desert and wait for the fire ants to come, while chewing off my own appendages, than to live like this, in a stiflingly dull environment where the banal is praised as "comfortable and friendly" working conditions. I'm getting something that is mildly equatable with a sociology degree, and this will not be me. Bring on the grad school applications baby, cause I'm coming as fast as I can possibly run. All this reminds me of the perennial discourse we have in the class I am taking this semester, Inequality in America. I thought that this would be the loser of the two formal courses I'm taking, but as usual, the complete opposite of what I predict has come true. We have lively discussions where people aren't judged (mostly) for their opinions, and they're wildly variant from one to another. And if I can really take what some of the men in the class say seriously, then I'm newly heartened as to the "average" male mentality. Maybe it's just people I personally know that color my negative beliefs (do I hang out with chauvinists? I dunno.) But these other guys are so liberal that it makes my head spin. And I don't mean liberal in the political sense, but on the idea of the topic in question, that of inequality. It's really refreshing to see these people that I would have judged as meatheads (shame on me for the instant labeling) can actually put a cognitive process together. If that sounds harsh, well, maybe I really have been spending my time with the wrong people. There are so many fascinating ideas that the text and discussion have brought up. And a lot of them piss me off. Some of the articles (a lot of them, actually, at least in the past few sessions) are written from a feminist perspective (each one of many in the feminist plurality that abounds), and man, I just didn't realize how much I'm discriminated against :-P. I know I'm being glib, but some of these author's works specifically articulate things that I've been struggling with for years, but I never knew how to explain myself. And then when I talk to people about it, they accuse me of not having any ideas of my own, of merely letting books tell me what to think. Or something to that effect. I'm excited about being a feminist again, and I don't think I should get denigrated just cause a book I read inspiried me to be that way. If anything, it should be the opposite, I love it when books inspire me. They're some of the only things I can get lost in; the things that I can pay total and complete attention to. I fall into other worlds and modes of thought, my imagination on both an academic and creative level are cut loose, and I sincerely believe when I'm reading regularly I'm at my best in a number of different senses. I'm a better writer, thinker, happier in general, and productive (especially in writing, my favorite way to produce). But the thing that originally sparked a parallel between this class and my experience today is the section in class that we did about women and men in the workplace. Women are more and more entering the workforce and staying there, but without really giving the gory details here right now, they still get the crappier jobs (like fucking filing), and get paid less. Everyone where I work is female. Except the executive director. And while I'm sure these two girls with sociology degrees are at least fairly intelligent (but not as smart as me, of course [and while it makes me arrogant, I'm really not kidding]), and I know at least one of them enjoys their jobs (she infuses in her life the main practice of the company, skiing), I reiterate that (voice of doom and consequence): this will NEVER happen to me. Me = Future Most Influential Thinker Of My Era. Count on it ;-). |
| Thursday, February 5th, 2004 | |
| 9:01 pm | I've had three interviews in the past week, and of course the only one I did well in was the one job that I don't really want that much. The one that I really did want, with a book publishing firm, I really screwed up and forgot to call in my references after the interview. I guess money is money, but it isn't enough, much like everything else that I do in life. I've been told numerous times that I'm a negative person, and sometimes I agree; it's hard to stop looking at life and the world the way you have for ten or fifteen years. I often say that I am trying to get better, trying to learn how to be more objective, and carry that thinking into the way I interact with other people, the way I feel. Recently someone else told me that I am extremely pitiable, in the sense that I inspire others to pity me, since "something wrong is always going on in [my] life." That kind of makes me sick. And there's no way I'm going to extract a good entry out of my brain right now, so I think I'm also going to stop trying. Don't fucking pity me. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: and angry |
| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004 | |
| 12:31 am | I need to not drink coffee for a while more, and then drink a bunch of it, just like I did tonight...I'm speeding more than one does on speed, and it doesn't seem to be including the usual bad side effects, i.e. headache and heart racing. Awesome, except that I should be in bed and sleeping, early day tomorrow. I have a ton of stuff I want to write about, not limited to two books I read over the weekend, one titled Odd Girl Speaks Out, by Rachel Simmons, another Jennifer Government by Max Barry. Then some more readings that I want to talk about, these ones for class, from the Understanding Inequality reader, which have really sparked my inner excitement about social science again, can't wait to think more, read more, and write more about it. When I was reading in the union I really wanted to come here and write all about these things, plus a conversation I had with my friend Dan this past weekend on tons of topics (social determinism, feminism, relationships, just to remind myself later, hope I still remember the details), but now I am hitting the wall. I shouldn't have spent the last forty five minutes reading other people's journals and chatting on im. Damn. I think about the quotes I've read and heard, about needing to write to get all the thoughts out while you're still around (knock on wood), how it's like a fire, and I wish I wrote a lot more. A lot more. I have that mini recorder now, I should start recording myself. But I really wouldn't be able to use it here, as I'm in a public space. I really need to fix my darn computer. Hopefully I'll write all this stuff down tomorrow, as I need to come here and write for the SP anyway. Current Mood:  tired |
| Wednesday, January 28th, 2004 | |
| 8:35 pm | It shouldn't be this hard to secure a half-together kind of life. I can't seem to get a job, or even unpack. I can't keep my emotions regarding money, family, and relationships on an even keel. I just hurt my father's feelings for something that he keeps suggesting, which granted it's a bit over the top, but it's no reason to keep blowing my cool over. He always wants me to leave school and come home. It doesn't matter what the problem is, he's mentioned it over and over. Sure, I have problems, but who doesn't. For once I am finally committed to getting that damn stupid piece of paper, for whatever it is worth. I think to make him happy I'd have to live there for the rest of my life, so he could take care of me. How well would that really work out? This time it was brought on because of money troubles. I owe my new roomate about two hundred and fifty dollars, and the rent is nearing due for the next month. I have about ten cents in my pocket. I've been looking for a job, sending in resumes, talking to the local temp agency, and even (shudder) considering retail. Today I got three responses, and the short happy moment that I got from this was instantly tempered with the meanness I showed to my dad, as well as the honest idea that hey, I just might not get any of the three of these jobs. Especially since I haven't even unpacked yet, and I have been living in this new apartment for a month. That has something to do with the uncomfortability of a stranger as a roommate (been staying over at aryn's place mostly), and also most of my clothes being dirty, have no reason to unpack them if I need to take them up to the laundromat soon. But the lack of money tends to halt that too. Urgh. I need to win the lottery. But I am, for once, going to class, and doing the readings on time. Now if I could only get started on the real writing for my senior project. I'm having a tough time narrowing my focus from the grand scope of the intersectionalities between science, technology, and religion/spirituality. Most of the research that I have done is in the arena of society's need for a way to express both of these forms of "truth-seeking" without each one shitting all over the other. Some of it has to do with the idea of technology replacing religion as the main cultural form of story and myth making, and my advisor wants to see some of how mainstream religions have been used as tools of social control. See, right now I should really be attempting to write, or at least read, for this, but I've built up such a wall of fear inside of my head, that I can't even get myself to open up my bag. And to think I used to be really interested in this. I probably still am. We'll see. But I guess I'm going to save it for tomorrow, cause I have to call some prospective job places early tomorrow, and that means I should get home and shower, and then sleep. Even though I'm really not tired, and I slept a whopping fourteen hours last night. I like to do that when I'm really stressed out, cause sleep is the only place I don't have an insane burden of worry. **** But the lack of money, and the havoc that it wreaks, is not the only snafu. I am getting to believe that romantic relationships just aren't worth the emotional torture that they generate, at least for me. Maybe that's just because I and my life are all fucked up, and at some point in my future I'll be stable enough to lean on someone while not being totally dependent on them emotionally. Cause really, no one person, or even a conglomeration of several persons, will ever be able to meet your needs in the exact way that you want them to. And I think that's the problem I have with whoever I choose to be in a relationship with. When I actually sit and think about "that perfect person" for me, it inevitably ends up being a male version of me politically and empathetically, and then someone who has all their shit together, kind of like a role model for me. It's stupid, and I can see that. There's a line that everyone has to draw concerning what they will accept in a long term relationship, regarding both the day to day interaction with that person and acceptance of basic values and traits of that person, and I don't know where mine are. I have said numerous times that I need affirmation of attraction, affection, and love, and I don't really think I have ever gotten that. I think I need positivity, support, etc. and I know those are vauge words, but I guess I can't expect that until I learn to give it out as well. And who knows how to be truly positive anymore? I certainly don't. And here I end the repetitive banal ramblings, because the act of typing has done its job, and I feel much better. Current Mood:  okayCurrent Music: the thoughts in my head |
| Thursday, January 22nd, 2004 | |
| 3:57 pm | It surprises me that I've been able to stay away from this thing for so long, maybe it has to do with my computer not working as of the past month and a half. So this semester really is the last. It did not start out very swimmingly. I had meant to come up here a week early and set up my apartment, and soon after find a job. Neither was accomplished, and I ended up rotting out a few more brain cells. Then my grandfather died, and I couldn't do a damn thing about going home. I was pretty low. But I have been to -all- of my classes, and for me that's quite the step. It feels nice to have positive reinforcement, and at points in the day I wonder why I was always so afraid to show my face on campus. Can it really be that I was that afraid of my peers and professors? I think the change is less me getting over my apprehensions, and more the fact that I don't know anyone anymore, and they don't know me. I can go onto campus at any time and not have people saying hello, or not saying hello in a conspicuous way. And I'm older than ninety percent of the people on campus anyway, and we most certainly have been socialized to feel at the very least more confident around those younger, and even feel smarter than them (though I don't agree with this socialization process, obviously it's b.s.) Now I can enter a classroom with only a twinge of self-doubt and fear. I had a great time New Year's Eve. Aryn ended up driving out to Pittsburgh and we went downtown for their first night, which apparently many cities do. Down there I almost felt like I could be a kid again, except for the part where I always felt as if Aryn wasn't having a good time. Second time I haven't seen the ball drop since I was two or three, and I say good riddance. After knowing how incredibly boring and painful it is to stand there for six to eight hours, I wonder why anyone in the world does it anymore. Surely the word should have spread by now. Maybe I should have been more drunk, or not so adamant in being really close to the ball. So I made a noisemaker with Mr. Imagination, a stupid party hat, listened to bluegrass, folk, rock, and brass bands, and the fireworks capped it all off. Then he rearended someone, the night we were going to drive to Jersey. So we went directly to Albany. And I wrecked his car, spun out off an offramp. So he takes his car home to fix it, and gets hit by someone else. If there's a higher power, it's telling him that he shouldn't be driving. My first class during the two days in which I have two classes is inequality in america. The text we are given consists of forty articles that are watered down and/or excerpts from real sociological thinkers/academics. And the class seems more of the standard bullshit that STS classes are here at RPI. Only a few people even take the ideas halfway seriously, half of them read the works we are given, and the classroom itself is filled with people who spout opinions that are usually not even thought through by the speaker. Even on the rare occasion in which a person sits and thinks out their words to some logical conclusion, they do it from an uninformed perspective. It makes me want to jump up and down and scream at them, but I'm usually good at keeping that to myself. You don't have to be a social scientist to think about social issues, and the world around you. On the contrary, since we all live in the fucking world and must interact with other human beings, it'd probably be a good idea to do so. But most everyone is apathetic, and content to not examine anything, let alone the world around them or the people this world has made them become. That's right, that the world has made them become. People think they own their own heads, and they don't. The only chance they have to even partially do so is to examine the way they think and figure out why it has come to be that way. But people like to maintain the status quo. And I keep on typing because I feel like the point is so important, but I can't really articulate it properly. I found this site the other day, http://mama.indstate.edu/users/bones/Wh Oh well. Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: bass |
| Saturday, December 13th, 2003 | |
| 1:50 pm | Sometimes I wonder why a lot of people can't seem to accept the idea that sometimes the way they grew up, lived their lives, and were taught (by schools, the media, their peers, their family) may not be the most accurate in relation to the way the world really is. I guess no one can really have a completely accurate picture of "the way the world is" as one individual, but at least take into consideration other people's opinions, facts that might contradict your worldview, etc. I know I don't do it all of the time, but at least I try to. But aside from anything like that, the semester is almost over, which I am extremely grateful for. I did better than I have in the past few, I think I'm finally moving on with life. But it turns out that I have to be here for another semester, for one more class. So I'm going to work full time. And the Navy released me a few weeks ago; I have to pay them back. So here's the math: $18,000 to Sallie Mae $19,000 to my Grandfather $6000 to the Federal government --and, drumroll please-- $96,000 to the United States Navy Quite daunting. On the other hand, my future is now wide open. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it. I've come up with some options though. 1) Work for a few years, then go to graduate school. Supposedly this would be after I've figured out what field I am most interested in. At present, it may be linguistics, economics, history, sociology, anthropology, theology, or some combination thereof. Hey, I never said I really had it figured out ;-). a. Where would I work before going to school again? -a not for profit -human resources in a corporation -something in Information Technology, I still have those skills, which probably are more marketable -for the government in social services of some sort -as a lobbyist -anything that I could find ;-P...I have decent writing and analytical skills, and I can be a good communicator when I try really hard b. I think I might try and get into AmeriCorps, the Peace Corps, or this teaching thing in New York State in which they pay off your loans. I'm thinking that the first two might also relieve my Navy debt, since it's still service to the government. AmeriCorps would be the safer (in my head anyway) choice, not to mention that they have branches in NYC (helping the homeless and the poverty stricken). And I really, really, really want to live in NYC. But the Peace Corps, admittedly a leap for someone like me, who doesn't take many life-altering sort of risks (maybe one of my biggest faults, I haven't decided yet), is a seeming wonderful opportunity. I'd get to learn new languages, travel, hopefully relieve debt, and get to help people. 2) Go straight into grad school, and hope I figure out what I want relatively quickly. I'd have a mountain more of debt, but I do want to go to grad school eventually, and STS (social science) is not a field in which you can do much of anything that I want to do without advanced degrees. And I want to do research and write books. I think, anyway. Maybe I should look more into that :). While I'm in a list kinda mood, I might as well give my New Years' resolutions, since I just came up with some, even though I don't put much stock in them. 1. Quit smoking (probably on lots of people's lists; I hope I can do it.) 2. Learn to play guitar, damnit. 3. Work out at least 2.5 (you know, it's an average) times a week. I'd say more, but I'm afraid I couldn't meet the goal of any more than that. 4. Use my new 2004 planner religiously, thereby making me a) more organized, b) more punctual, and c) more responsible, in that I stop missing so many meetings, merely because of the fact that I forgot about them. 5. And the hardest one of all...start following through on what I start. This could apply to almost anything...classes, improving my mental health, being more conscientious of others' feelings and thoughts, and on and on and on.... There, nobody can say I never had goals. Current Mood: even keeled Current Music: someone's bass thumping upstairs, and snoring |
| 9:57 am | I've never done one of these, so I might as well try it. 01. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 02. Am I loveable? 03. How long have you known me? 04. When and where did we first meet? 05. What was your first impression? 06. Do you still think that way about me now? 07. What do you think my weakness is? 08. Do you think I'll ever get married? 09. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What reminds you of me? 12. What is my best quality? 13. How well do you think you know me? 14. When's the last time you saw me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Do you think that I could kill someone? 17. Who would play me in a movie? 18. If I were to be a colour, what one would I be? 19. Describe me in one word. 20. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 21. Do you think that I am stubborn? 22. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you? |
| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 | |
| 1:19 am | I've been really struggling with what to keep private and what not to. I've also been experiencing a bout of moderate insanity. and my recurring lack of motivation has hit my creative streak as well, so I haven't been writing much here or anywhere. Too bad for me. Maybe it'll change soon. As in, after the semester is over in a week. |
| Monday, October 6th, 2003 | |
| 4:29 pm | Well, I just want to post to test my new lj client. Don't really have much to say. Except that I'm 23 now. Happy birthday to me. Two days ago. |
| Friday, October 3rd, 2003 | |
| 10:54 pm | This past week has been tough. I got a fair amount accomplished, with school, going to the gym. But I did skip some appointments and classes. The problem that kept going around in my head was one I've probably talked about here already. The fact that when I get into a relationship I lose myself, my identity, just to tell you in another way, what it is that makes me me, the definition of Ericka. I become a globby mess that wants to always be with the other person. In my mind, I'd even take seeing that person for a little while almost every day. And that last one isn't that crazy. Actually I think it's pretty normal to want to see someone that you're with for a few minutes every day. See their smile, touch their hand, hear how their day is going or went. That digression isn't going to get me to my ephiphany though. I saw a show at Mother's today, a place that has decent to good acoustic music every weekend, and the price for students is always free. Anyway, for some reason, the duo that was playing tonight really struck a chord with me, and got me thinking all sorts of thoughts at once. A lot of their lyrics really got into my head too. The funny thing is is that they are RPI alums, turned folk/rock musicians. The first thing that struck me is that they got together here, when neither of them were really serious about making music their occupation. The guy did play guitar and was in a band, but she hadn't even picked up a bass yet. Is the person that you're with going to learn, grow and develop alongside you? It seems that whomever you choose to be a big part of your life for a decent chunk of time is going to strongly influence the person you end up becoming. Their personality is going to become part of yours, and influence whatever it is that becomes your destiny. How do you decide if the person that you choose to be in a relationship with is someone you really want to have that strong of an influence on you? My friend Dan (he has an lj, yander) came with me to the show, and we were discussing how emotions control a person, or how a person can (or if) control their emotions. He thinks that a lot of men don't feel very often, or very deeply. I could add that maybe that's just in young adulthood, because I know a lot of men, maybe it's just my wierd family, that seem to feel fully and deeply. So when they do have them, they treasure them, be they negative or positive. And that men wonder what it is that they should be feeling or thinking about a certain situation, so they second guess themselves in relationship situations. I don't think I want some nearly emotionless creature influencing me drastically. I can't let that happen. I don't want to be cold or callous. And this line of thought got me to realizing that I would rather be cold than be miserable all of the time, which I can say that I usually am. Bam, there it is. The solution to all of my questioning of this past week. I'm not really losing myself. But when I find someone with whom I can have a little respite from the drawn out depression, I want to be around them constantly, because, hey, who doesn't want to feel joy, happiness, or lightheartedness? I don't think you're going to find many people that don't. I'm like a two year old, gimme gimme gimme. Instant gratification in happiness, relaxation. I don't have to work at it, I don't have to worry. When I spend time with that person it's just naturally there. And I can't stress enough that that rarely happens to me. It's really draining to always be sad, but I'm pretty sure that someone who's never suffered with a constant extraordinarily negative outlook on life can understand how tiring it is. But even this realization helps me to figure out that it doesn't have to be like this. Now that I'm listening to the CD that I just bought of tonight's group I'm disappointed. It's very badly mixed. Grr. Still good though. Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: Friction Farm, galileo's horse |
| Thursday, September 25th, 2003 | |
| 2:02 pm | I think I know why people get married right out of college. Transitions are damn hard, and not many really want to do it on their own. I've said many a time that I don't want to stop shifting my identity as soon as I hit adulthood; that I want to be someone who always learns, grows, and changes. Maybe I even want to change the fucking world (for the better. [and if you don't go to this school, and wonder why I use that damn annoying phrase so much, see http://www.rpi.edu]). For all of my stupid rantings though, I'm just like everyone else. I want to be loved, and I don't want to be alone. I want to have a family, kids, dogs, stability. I'd say it's human nature but I don't really think it is. For the human beings with their basic needs covered, lonliness is the hardest emotion to handle, and they'll go to fantastic (dare I say nearly insane) lengths to make sure that they don't have to deal with it. Yep, that's why I'm so crazy. Current Mood: rainbow Current Music: Blues Traveler, Just Wait |
| Monday, September 22nd, 2003 | |
| 2:39 am | People talk about regret a lot. And though I've frequently mentioned that I do a lot of dumb things, I really don't regret much. There are three things on a large scale, but one of the fences was mended, so it's not as bad. All three are structured the same, and involved me being ridiculously insensitive toward someone who has been extraordinarily nice to me. Actually that doesn't describe it well. It wasn't that they were nice to me specifically, even though they were; more that they were honest to goodness wonderful people that didn't deserve the shit that I (inadvertantly) gave to them. One was sophomore year, when I went to the Rugby Formal with Chaun Napolitano. I'm not even really sure how this situation spiraled out of control. Part of it was me being insensitive, and part was misunderstanding. The second also happens to be the night of another formal, this time when I went with Dave Bloom. Such sweet men, and I hurt them. That's the one that isn't as pressing as the others. The final one was my suitemate sophomore year. I think I treated her like shit. And she seems (ed? I haven't seen her in years. except once, for five minutes at a party.) like a fascinating person. I think most of it stemmed from sophomore year being the worst time in my life, ever. Especially the first semester. And that sentence needs my fun disclaimer, which states that the previous is my explaination, not my excuse. Well, that was an excercise in futility, because I can't say I have anything to draw from these mistakes. The only thing I learn from them is that I can be a prick (yes, I think women can be these). *** I'm about -> <- this close to dropping everything, moving to NYC for good, and becoming a starving artist. There isn't much more sick I can get of trying to stuff myself into the box of going to school. I've been attempting to unsuccessfully for five years now. I know that theoretically I'd like a doctorate, because I don't know how to extricate 'lifetime learner' from 'formal education,' even though logically I know that only an eager mind is necessary for the former. And I still want to write books. Current Mood: indifferentCurrent Music: Tool, Undertow |
| Sunday, September 21st, 2003 | |
| 9:37 pm |  Higgs Boson -- You are crazy and wacky and nobody really understands you. Theoretically your humor gives the universe mass and existence, but the explanation as to how this all works is still in the works. What kind of subatomic particle are you? brought to you by Quizilla i'm quiz happy today |