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Kelrick's Journal of Infamy

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May. 4th, 2004 @ 09:46 am
Me - in a nutshell. I blame [info]legalmoose Now I'm gunna be thinking about being me all day.
**edit and add:
Just got an e-mail from [info]the_fae. She signed it "As Ever" For some reason that reminded me of Vincent. He's an ex. (I originally typed "my ex" but you know I once read a statement about how the expression "my ex" implies an ownership of someone - and it bugged me. I'm trying to train myself out of that because once you are an ex - you have no further claim to a person. Hello tangent train can I get off here? Thanks.)

So anyway he used to sign his letters to me "Yours" or "As Ever Yours". I remember the first time he did that my heart swelled with pleasure, and I'm smiling remembering it now. It's funny I remember for a long time I couldn't think of him without remembering the craptastic way he treated me. Now I seem to have let all of that go and I smile at his memory. I like that change.
Whim of the moment:: amused
Current Music: If I had a Million Dollars-Bare Naked Ladies

Just random stuffMay. 4th, 2004 @ 09:35 am
What Amtgardlings do for fun

I do love the [info]shendo.

Had a wonderful night last night. A little Heros of Might and Magic 3 action.

A random call from [info]darkwolfe5 wanting to grab dinner. At first the idea of cajun crawfish = YAY! But the place was outrageously expensive. So instead heading out for really nice italian food. Nick's Pasta Place - really cute. The nicest part of the place was the patio - it was wonderful. A cement patio with 2 rows of tables running parallel to each other leading up to a fountain with running water and a lion head mounted on the background wall. The sound of the water was a little to loud for the atmosphere but it wasn't unpleasant. The most wonderful aspect though was the seclusion of the patio. The outside edges were surrounded by trees and a growth of grapevines. You felt surrounded by nature, and almost as if you stepped back in time a bit. I felt vaguely as if we are at an outdoor winery in Tuscany.

After dinner we went and picked up [info]deadrat and watched a movie - 9 Dead Gay Guys.. It was surprisingly amusing. It's very low budget art film, Irish Accents, predictable archetype characters, and some cute schtick. Truly enjoyed it though. It didn't hurt that the two main characters were hot. Hot Hot Hot. Though not as hot as My-husband-to-be, but hot.

Then bed.

It was a really nice evening and I'm glad I got the time to relax and wind down from a long weekend.
Whim of the moment:: amused
Current Music: Change your Mind-Sister Hazel

Well that was wrong.May. 3rd, 2004 @ 04:38 pm
AIMBuddy: "I already have lip herpes (from my mom)"


I'm certain that the context of that comment is innocent but I don't care. It's wrong. But it amuses me greatly.

I prefer it to whiny/self-pitying talk about I-could-give-a-shit at this point.
Whim of the moment:: amused
Current Music: Ti Kwan Leep/Boot To The Head-The Frantics-Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary Collection: The Greatest Novelty Records of All Time (Disc 2)

Not so innocent thoughtMay. 3rd, 2004 @ 02:52 pm
Today is a day to chase a boy around with a can of whipped cream and a smile.

or:

"Shut up and expose your belly to me in complete submission. In this pack I am the sex alpha!" thanks to Something Positive
Whim of the moment:: horny
Current Music: Under Your Spell-The Cast Of Buffy The Vampire Slayer-Once More, With Feeling

May. 3rd, 2004 @ 09:52 am
I have a 2 hour meeting to go to and like a great big baby - I DON'T WANNA GO!

Pouty should be an icon.
Whim of the moment:: grumpy
Current Music: Enter Sandman-Metallica
Other entries
» Skip = 100
Good Gods but I'm tired. Last night was a lack of sleep kind of night. Not from anything internal though - it was all external. We have new next door neighbors with a bedroom that adjoins to my own. Last night they had a screaming, door slamming fight that went from about 10:30 until about midnight. It was almost bad enough that I called the police, but not quite. I'm going to discuss with my neighbors and find out how they feel before taking any further action. I don't mind a squabble or two but not when I have to get up at 6 am. (Not that I get up at 6 am at this time because I'm a lazy shit.)

I'm at Skip 100 and caught up with my last reading of LJ. I can honestly say that some of the community posts are just plain stupid. It could just be me being cranky right now from sore body and sleep deprivation.

Thinking is proving difficult this morning. I don't know that I can't think but I have a strong impression that I don't want to. I have a slight headache, and a sunburn that covers my entire head - I'm glad I didn't take my shirt off to play volleyball yesterday. Speaking of volleyball that turned into a surprising and awkward situation. I introduced a friend to volleyball several months back and he started dating a guy who plays. Several months later they break up (maybe 1 or 1.5 months ago and he no longer goes out. (No loss as he was a terrible player. Yeah catty I know.) At any rate Sunday on guy who still plays asked me out. Well he asked for my number to hang out and then not 20 minutes later invited me over to watch a movie at his place. At first I was all cool new buddy but then I realized that... no he was thinking date. He's not my type in the slightest.

Paganboy from THursday gave me hickies. Now I"m stuck with these marks until they fade. I got made fun of at volleyball, at the bar Saturday night, at coffee on Friday night, by [info]solice when she came in Friday and I think someone/somewhere else. I'm cranky about that. Serves me right for messing around with someone when I really just want something else.

Friday I ran around and bought cigars for my boss. He's a cigar smoker when he's out on his 2.5 hour walks (which he's dropping down to 1.5 hour walks as of today.) It's always annoying as he comes back REAKING of the smoke. I have to keep air-freshner in my office because it is a pervasive and lingering smell. I had [info]k45 bring me to my office where I left a card signed by everyone in the office (or my forging of their signatures) and 5 cigars. When I came in this morning he was really pleased by them. Apparently he was familiar with all 5 that I bought and was even saying that he likes them all just surprised because he knows they are all expensive. He also liked the cigar cutter I bought him. So w00t for me getting him something he likes.

This'll either be a post intensive day or week as I have a lot to think out after this weekend.

Got an e-mail from m first love ever. It as about his most wonderful trip that recently occurred and random catching up goodness. He's incredibly verbose - which I adore because he uses words that are uncommon in typical usage. The nice thing about that is that you can almost taste them on your tongue - because the words have a uniqueness that is pleasant. At any rate the letter was wonderful and sweet and not the least because of this quote: "You, the big #1 life-love just called to say hi this morning".

What was also nice was the synchronisity of action. The first thing he did when he got off the plane and meet up with his friend was go to twin peaks and hike to a high point and look around. That's the same thing that [info]redarius and I did the first time we met. It was almost like sharing the moment with him and ReDarius for me.

I'm starting to feel better. Maybe I don't hate the world today after all. At least I had breakfast.
» Not a big baseball fan
I'm really not. I enjoy it as much as the next sport but I'm not a huge fan of watching sports. Unless I get to see them live. Then they take on an almost mystical quality. They become "an EVENT". It's like a concert only... more wholesome and special and... I don't know different.

So I have 2 tickets to see the Astros Vs. The Reds on Sunday here in he Houston. Only... I can't find anyone to use the second ticket with me - and these are primo tickets. Section 99 Row A Seats 4 & 5 in a suite. I got them through work and I REALLY want to use them. Well I'm going to use 1 of them but I'm going to feel bad if I can't use them both. I'm not large enough to take up 2 seats.

Where are my sports lovin homos? It's Sunday at 1. [info]darkwolfe5 is busy at work. I've asked GregariouslyPrecise but I feel awkward about that since they are a couple and I only have 1 spare ticket. If it comes down to it I'll give them the tickets and go play volleyball rather than waste them but it's not what I WANT to do.

Wy do they have bitchy as an emotion but not butch? Fuckers.
» Squirrelly wrath
That's right squirrelly wrath is coming your way!

Well that's my day for you. Sitting in the office plugging away at work stuff. I got called into an office meeting for my department and they provided lunch. Had the most difficult time with the table push away. EXCELLENT sandwiches, strawberries and grapes and snickerdoodles!!!! OMN! So awesome.

I've got grades to turn in today and my professors are scattered and unable to be reached. It's frustrating in the extreme. I'm just doing the best I can - there are days when baby-sitting adults is tiring.

I see [info]solice very very very soon and I'm thrilled - though I desperately need to clean my room.

I'm very hyper from the cookies.

I've also gotten exposed to a new webcomic that I like. It's Furry stuff so I won't bother talking about it much here because that's sort of a personal liking of mine and I don't like being teased about it.

I'm all bouncy and cute today - love me.
» Sexeh
Had a Great lunch yesterday. It was at the Baker Street Pub and Grill. Grilled chicken (that wasn't great but barely tolerable), excellent mashed potatoes - new potatoes and idaho mixed - yummy, and a salad. The part that was great was sitting on the covered patio and reading and having an older gentleman sitting about 3 tables behind me doing the same thing. There is something companionable about being out and reading in a space like that - even though we didn't interact, or even make eye contact and appreciation for books fills me with a happiness. So we sat and read and ate and it was good. I watched a raven eat Equal out of a packet he stole off a table. He must be watching his weight so that he doesn't have issues flying.

I always think it's odd when one of my professors tells me I do thing they wouldn't. Like walk from Rice to the village to eat. "that's FAR!" It's really not that far, it's a 20 minute casual walk. It's beautiful out and it's not terrible in the slightest. Though it's getting hot enough I need to wear an undershirt so I'm not all sweaty and nasty.

One of my favorite part time lecturers came in yesterday. She is so sweet - she adores me and isn't afraid to tell me or my boss. She walked into my boss's office and said: "Drake is wonderful and I want you to know it. He does so much for me that I can't imagine working here without him and you should give him a million dollar raise." My boss agreed with everything except the raise. She surprised me with a $25 gift cert to a place called Eatzi's. I've never been but she raved about it. That was terribly sweet of her.

Went to work out and the gym defeated me. I just COULDN"T force myself to lift at all. I did maybe 1 full set of exercises and then when I started the second all motivation fled and I was so apathetic I just left. I'm a bit disgusted with myself over that. I'm going to have to find a way to push past this.

Went home and busted out my new Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus which is every bit as enjoyable as the review states. I had trouble terring myself away to watch Kill Bill 2 with [info]ogun

Kill Bill 2 was okay. It fucked with my head a bit but I didn't think it was as awesome as the first one. I think I'm more than content to just wait and see it on DVD with the first one in the future.

Home was time to call mom and catch up. It was good and short - clocking in at just under an hour conversation.

Then to sleep with me. I think I'm going to try the gym again today and see if I can do better. For now - HUNGER.

Oh forgot I had the BESTEST chicken sandwich EVER for dinner last night. Grilled chicken, avocado, swiss and a poppy seed bun. For some reason it was just WONDERFUL. Thanks to Princess Burger.
» I'm just sick
I have a craving for the evil Vanilla Kreme Donuts from Dunkin Donuts and decided to cure that by looking up the caloric information on it.

270 per donut. I used to eat 6 a day every Thursday. Plus drink a 44 oz Dr. Pepper.

So 270 X 6 = 1620 donut calories

1620 + 4708 soda calories = 6328 empty calories a Thursday. And I wondered at being the size of a house. Because I ATE after that.

I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it. I may have cured my ridiculous obsession with love... I mean Vanilla Kreme Filled Donuts.


That is where my head is today. I had a chicken breast on 2 slices of wonderbread for breakfast. I keep thinking - I'm going to starve myself to make up for eating those doughnuts 6 years ago. Or maybe just retroactively purge. Or go all Seven and cut some extra weight off in a biblical self flagellation kind of way. A world of yuck.

There is still that twisted sick-o part of me that want a doughnut though. I think after I ate it I'd cry though. Then I'd get ill. Then I'd hurl. Then I'd depression eat 5 more. Lather rinse repeat. I'm a big girl and I'll cry if I want to.

or something like that.

At least I can laugh at my own twisted foibles.
» A night and day and night again
Last night was completely uninteresting. So I didn't write about it.

Today was more of the same. Though I got a lot of work accomplished.

Tonight was good. I was to go see Kill Bill 2 with [info]ogun but it was prevented by the great geek god ComputerStore sucking his soul demanding his worship.

Instead I came home and fell asleep. For a couple of hours. I finished one of my 11 remaining books and passed out as I started the next one. I am sore in the chest and triceps from lifting weights for the first time in about 2 months which is good - I've missed it. When I woke up I decided to go for food and wound up walking a lot and reading. Then sitting down and reading. (After the dangerous communicator business of calling [info]dedagda, [info]atomslife (Russ), and [info]solice to name a few.)

I also called the asian boy I was dancing with and we agreed to meet for coffee. I also called the accountant from Saturday. He called me back and we chatted but he was exhausted from work and cut it short - he wants to do dinner Saturday-ish. As Solice will be here I don't think it'll happen but it can be postponed.

Met up with the Asian boy and we chatted for a good hour. He's a nice guy. We sat and chatted, then we walked around and chatted, then he drove me home and we chatted. More like I chatted - he isn't big on talking and told me he'd rather I talk. Me being a bit hyperactive after that nap had no difficulties chatting up a storm.

I'm home. I'm content. I want e-mail love as my box has been noticably empty the last several days.
» I felt... exceptional
a night at the bar )
» Hardrock Monday
I'm awake - as should be a given as I'm writing here. Still there are times it's worth stating the obvious.

So I'm awake. I have been for awhile. Like half of forever it feels. (I slept poorly in other words. Look I'm a translation service for myself!)

I'm in a surprisingly good mood and thinking about things. Looking around my space and starting to put effort into the thoughts of owning it.

I had the most wonderful night in a weekend of blah. Good "blah" but blah.

Friday I got home and was told I'd have the place 100% to myself for the weekend. A necessary relief. After everything I dealt with I needed some serious me time. I was then invited to go watch Connie and Carla with some homos. It was one of the most enjoyable movies I've been to in just about forever. Seriously I haven't laugh so consistently through a movie in a long long time. The story isn't that great but it's light, and enjoyable - if not very believable. Dave Duchovney's butt = full of the Yum as [info]revhhkitty would say.

Some of the guys went out after but I was feeling the homebody urge so I grabbed my book and stayed up far to late reading.

Saturday was wet and grey all day. It wasn't a bad day as I enjoy that weather but it set the mood. I walked over to [info]gavynaaron's place and we went out for coffee and chat. It was interesting. A serious conversation on how labels are affixed to people and how long do you hold people to their mistakes. Seriously contemplating the "once a cheater/liar/thief" always a "whatever" thought process. I do believe people can change - and in most cases I hope for it. At the same time I think once you've reached the age of majority and make the conscious decision to do "negative social trait" then you have to work harder to overcome that. Plus I'm never really surprised if I hear someone did whatever action again. I suppose I'd feel worse about holding people to those ideals except I hold myself to them as well. If I were more forgiving of myself than someone else I have to accept the title of hypocrite as well. I still beat myself up over stuff from pre-age of majority

The rest of the day was spent in lazy contemplation and tears. Not enough tears but there were a couple.

To recuperate I decided to accept the invitation to go dancing I received the night before.

Saturday night and dancing was a BLAST. OMN did I have grayt time. So grayt it has to be said with a Scotish brogue as if I were Mike Myers.

I danced for hours. Tamale bought me a couple of drinks and wouldn't let me give him money. I got hit on pretty consistently and even got a couple of phone numbers. I saw Puppy and he's coming over Thursday to hang out. Got hit on by this goofy guy from Lake Charles who claims to be a dj and is the ultimate white boy dancer. Ran into COAir who helped me with the buddy pass to visit family and Iw as able to pay him back the money for the ticket. All in all it was a great night.

I also ran into [info]atomslife's fried who I met for coffee a couple weeks ago. We were supposed to have lunch but he cancelled. Well he would have simply forgotten except I called to ask if we were still on around 3. He did call back immediately to cancel. I'm always weird about people when they are at work so when I first saw him I just waved. Eventually a friend wanted something to drink though and wound up going over to him and he commented that he was wondering if I'd actually come and say hello or not. We chatted a little and then back to the dance floor. He's very sweet.

The night was wonderful and going home and reading a bit more and relaxing felt good.

Sunday was another lazy day. I walked around and started buying a few books and a couple of DVDs. Nothing exciting just calm. I looked for a new PS2 game but nothing really caught my eye. I keep hoping to catch that... raccoon thief game whatever it's called but no luck so far.

[info]the_fae came home and we talked colour scheme for painting the condo should I wind up not getting a job in Dallas and staying in Houston. I think I'm resigning myself to the fact that the jobs I've applied for simply aren't going to pay me enough to move at this time. Which means I'll just have to get my debt issues cleared up and start school here in Houston. It's a little disappointing but it means I'll be moving forward without moving away.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that part of my motivation in moving was fear of seeing Poet again since he moves back in June. Once I acknowledged that I felt better about the idea of moving. I'm still HOPING for this job but I'm not hell bent on taking it no matter what the pay scale is. a 5k or more pay cut is completely ridiculous to even consider.

Time to dive into work.
» A morning after no internet
As I pretty much expected (because I'm pretty aware of my emotional downslides) things started to truly sink in last night. Now that I'm not in "make it happen" or "take charge" mode my mind has the leisure to start reacting to things instead of directing the less pleasant things to just wait. [info]the_fae was kind enough to ask if I needed space, and I was honest enough to admit yeah I really wanted to be left alone last night.

I played Heros of Might and Magic III. I read some more of BelGarath the Sorcerer. I went to dinner and spent a lot of time ignoring everything around me in a very conscious fashion. I teared up a little. I came home and helped arrange for [info]ogun to pick up his car today. I got annoyed because my internet is out until Monday (or Roadrunner mysteriously fixes it.)

I had a good night of sleep though. Actually it was a terrible night of sleep but still good. Terrible in that I woke up constantly - as I normally do. Good in that I had zombie nightmares. That is good for a change though. I managed to control them a little. I started using the logic of the Freddy Kruegar movies and pulled people into the dreams with me. By the third or fourth run through of the same fucking nightmare I had a party of about 8 people to help me. I wasn't "winning" per se but I wasn't being eaten and I wasn't scared. I didn't have weapons but I had a stronghold-ish place, and a decent barricade, and fodder if I needed to sacrifice someone stupid. All in all I'd say the dreams weren't so terrible. That is a complete and total first as far as KelCat vs. the Zombies. I do remember wishing I had a sword though. Next time I'll try to conjure people AND arsenal along with secure steading to be comfortable in.
» The todayness of it all
Skip=225 to catch up with everyone.

I'm home. Gods it is nice to be home again. I need to think about what to remember from this trip.

To start my Babci. I love her. It was very difficult to be around her though. Not because of her just because she was so... different. She wasn't the Babci I remember. Well she is but she isn't. She's old. She's always been old in my head but now she was OLD. That kind of old where her face is set in lines and deep grooves. Her skin is loose and slides at the touch. She must be changed and moved because she is to weak to do it herself.

Babci was always a large woman. She had broad shoulders and a big tummy. Very much the Goddess figure. She had a laugh that was pleasant but never overboard, and when she was REALLY laughing about something it came out in small coughs of laughter. Now she has lost all the muscle to move the weight around but not a lot of the weight itself. Her voice only raises to complain about not understanding what's going on. Her mind latches onto something and can't complete the thought, nor can it let it go. She revisits an idea several times in disjointed fashions.

I was worried she wouldn't remember me, I knew she wouldn't recognize me. It was good that she remembered me for the entire visit - I didn't have to be reintroduced every time - I don't think I could have handled that as well. When we moved her she cried. She yelled because she wanted my fuck up of an uncle who is nothing but a thief to make the decisions. (Her's is the era of men make the decisions.) The nice ladies who helped move her lied to her, which upset me. I understand why but I didn't like her being lied to. She cried for about an hour of the 7 hour road trip. It was really difficult for mom since she's trying to do the right thing for Babci but is made to feel like shit for it.

The new place Babci is in is good. The people stopped in to see what she needed and wanted to be comfortable, she seems content, and lucid for the most part.

I almost cried a couple of times and saying goodbye was harder than I thought it'd be. She started to laugh because I couldn't stop kissing her cheek when I was leaving. This could be the last time I see her. Laying in a hospital bed, looking up at me as I walk out the door. I'm going to find a nice quiet, appropriate time to cry about her soon. A good comfortable space where I can be alone and just let my sorrow flow out of me and be good. Because I love her and it's hard to imagine my life without her being there. Because her life isn't as she planned it. Because despite everyone's (with 1 notable exception) best intentions she's not a happy person in her final years.

I keep seeing her mouth. She is so used to not smiling that the wrinkles around her mouth have set in and dropped further down. Even when she laughs she looks unhappy.

It was difficult to see and I marvel at my mother's strength to deal with it as constantly as she does.
» HOME
I celebrated by = frunk margarita's darkwolfdfe5 oysw I can't revall nick name but food times and durnk.

Thank you Gods tequ9ila
» Day the second
Today has been exceptionally frustrating.

Mom and I have been packing adn trying to get eerything into the U-haul. It started with the fact that nothing wa packed up. Then you get to add in that mom hadn't made a reservation for the U-Haul and hunting one down. Got up early to sit around and do nothing for a couple of hours bcause of that. Aggravation.

At anyrate managed to get everything organized - because I'm me. Packed up most of the heavy stuff before my bro showed up and helped get most of the boxes loaded. Now I have about another hours worth of packing to do before bed. Then tomorrow the 7 or 8 hour road trip with mom and Babci. I'm praying we'll get in at a reasonable hour so I can see [info]punke and [info]bigbadracoon.

I'm not quite counting down the hours until I get to leave but I do look forward to actually being able to sleep - and in my own space/bed.
» Phoenix
Last night = uneventful.

Today [info]the_fae took me to the airport like a sweety and I got on my flight with minimal issues. The gentleman who was checking my baggage and metal detecting everything was very friendly and kind. My brother picked me up and I had that ackward moment I have where... do I shake hands with this near stranger or do I hug... what? So I go for the most masculine and friendly yet distant option of a handshake. He gives me a hug - which I admit, is nice.

We go to his car and it's comfortable comraderie. (Piss off if I didn't spell it right - I know the meaning.) I'd looked into the availablity of an escape and I found one - volleyball at a bar called Charlie's. (Is there one in every town?) My brother dropped me off at 1 like the web page said and I find it doesn'ta ctually start until 3. Fucking fags.

3 the guys start showing up and warming up and I get socially intimidated. They are GOOD. The ones who show up play A) a lot and B) used to play in college and are on leauges now. I'm no where near that good. I let them playa couple of games so I can watcha nd get a feel for things. Finally decide intimidation or not I'm fucking playing. I jump in and play 3 games. Theya ren't a friendly bunch except for 3 guys there. (One of which just wanted to see if he could fuck me.) The other two were genuinely nice once they realized I was just nervous screwing up.

After the first game, which I felt I cost my team about half the game, I started to improve to my normal level - or higher because I'm a competitive bastard. (I caught one of the main jerks - who had the unforgiveable temerity to be HOT - givnig hands signs to attack the weakest link - or ME.) I managed to not embarrass myself after that. I even got a couple of good spikes in. All in all it was a good time but ackward - I'd go again, just to improve and beat the jerk.

I'm back at my brothers place, updating - duh, and waiting for my mom to come back from her second or third visit to church. Then dinner better be on the horizon. I've been offered the opportunity tos tay with my brother but... I'll be staying with mom. Someone needs to keep this show on track. I'm going ot be seriously pissed if i have to take a greyhound to El Paso to catch my flight hom because things aren't getting done here.

I don't need to be saved - but I do need to employ all of my superpowers tog et this done.

[info]punke you still need tos end me your phone number so I can get a little sanity time with you on Tuesday night.
» If you ever wondered
This:  )
» I can't decide
GandJ has reached the point of... I can't even describe my feelings. I was informed by a mutual friend that he cheats on his partner, while bragging the entire time about being monogamous. I believe it A) because I am petty and want to, and B) he admitted that he cheated on his partner before I knew him - and once a cheater, always a cheater.

He's started being snide and childish towards me when I chat. Part of me wants to acknowledge him and tell him how pathetic i think he is. Another part of me wants to simply continue ignoring him because he's an attention hungry chid - and any attention would make him happy.

The very last thing I want to do is contribute in any way to his happiness.

Wow.. I feel better for venting that. Still love my LJ.
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