| 10.23.2001 |
[18 Apr 2002|11:25pm] |
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mood |
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NIN- StarFucker Inc. |
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I used to remember those songs talking about days when we wish we were kids again. 10.23.2001 we forgot the realities of childhood and wished simply to be a kid again, in that 24 hours time frame the world was never the same and still I wonder when the idea of normal will return to our lives. Never forgetting that day, could never forget that day and never forgetting the pain of the moment when the reality entered into our hearts. You were gone from this place, the tears felt different. There was no falling to the floor, laughing so hard that tears were the least of our problems. 10.30.2001 we fell to the floor in forced disbelief, we fell into a world we thought we would never have to enter. In those few moments our tears fell to the quiet earth, we sat in silence wondering why it happened or are we all simply dreaming? Everything just seem to fade to black. Its getting so close to 04.23.2002 it will be almost a half a year since that day, why that day? Another answer no one will get close to answering. When will the pain end? In the words of Kid Rock, only god knows why. When will we stop missing you? Never is still too short of a time to place on that question.
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[10 Apr 2002|11:08pm] |
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Its been about 6 months since Tom died and I hope that would the last time I would have to write a journal like that. As you probably noticed theres no subject here and once again I'm writing a journal that I wish I never had to write.Its been almost a half a year since I wrote in here about Tom being killed and now I'm back with another sad loss. Rachel Bliss, we weren't best friends, but we were good friends.Rachel was a friend of mine from church.She died yesterday sadly. She died from a brain anurism(I know I misspelled that) She was the kindest person anyone could know. She never had a bad thing to say about anyone and now she's gone.There could be millions of ways to end this, but this time around I don't know.
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| A Few More Drops..... |
[08 Apr 2002|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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Staind- Waste |
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My reflection falls into the fallen glass, a few simple drop flow to the cold wood floor. My reflection is cold with the taste of vodka staining my breath. My body lays on the floor with no form and no personal idea of moving. A few more drops to get me to my feet, A few more drops to get me moving. Quietly the midnight sky burns my eyes with the reality of the morning sun the will be creeping into the quiet sky. A few more drops just to get me to see straight, A few more drops to get my thought rolling clear. The glass felt smooth to the touch. The bottle was still cold to my touch, that rum will get me moving. The bottle is half gone, maybe Mike will go on a run. Wait he isn?t here, where is he again? Oh he?s dead. The world got him, laying off to the side of the road as Poe did. The difference was that Poe had legacy follow his death, what did Mike have? He had my ten bucks for beer. A few more drops to break even, A few more drops for Mike. My reflection is asleep in front of me, a dust outlining around my body. A few more drops to get by, A few more drops to keep breathing. Just a few more drops.
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| Day after Birthday.... |
[08 Apr 2002|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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Papa Roach- Between Angels and Insects |
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Well I'm 20 years and 1 day old. Started out good I guess, had a slump, then it picked up. Its just another day, like holidays that I don't like. In the words of Dennis Miller. I don't want to go off on a rant here, but when is it that a human begins to hate their birthday.Is it when you realize that the Bull shit people force feed you everyday stops once, twice, three time a year and is replaced by the fake happiness.Then the day after its back to the B f'n S.My birthday was good, a friend threw a surprise party for me and my friend jason. It was fun for a few, but the thing was with the 15 people that were there I knew about 5 to 6 of them enough to talk to them. It was fun. The I went home. LAter that night I went over to another friends house, I had alot of fun during that. Simply it just seemed that they actually gave a shit that it was my birthday. I know the people that did the party had their heart in the right place, but these two people seemed like they cared. Yes I had fun on my birthday and no I still don't like the day.
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| 20th Year of Life.... |
[07 Apr 2002|01:59am] |
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Pearl Jam- Even Flow |
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Today is my Birthday. I turned 20 today, hope its better then the past ones. Sorry to sounf depressed but its true.I guess at the end of the day I'll recap the day.
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| STEAL THIS QUOTE.... |
[01 Apr 2002|08:35pm] |
"Revolution is not something fixed in ideology, nor is it something fashioned to a particular decade. It is a perpetual process embedded in the human spirit."
Abbie Hoffman
1936-1989
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| 10 Years..... |
[31 Mar 2002|11:03pm] |
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Its been ten years since Brandon Lee was killed on the set of The Crow.
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| A Word for the Webster Dictionary people.... |
[22 Mar 2002|01:25am] |
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SHIT WEASEL, don't know what the heel it means but there should be a place in the dictionary for it.So I telling everyone to write them and tell them to put it in there.
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| ~ For You |
[19 Mar 2002|11:55pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Puddle of Mudd-- Blurry |
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Tomorrow will never be the same, could I go away and cut this tie ? After so quickly we enjoyed life and the world around us. Is this guy your source of happiness? If he is, thats what I would want for you. You entered my life at a time when I was on a path to destruction, with no drugs pumping in my blood stream, but my mind pumping to my fall. Tomorrow is a few moment away and memories that only happened yesterday will continue to roll in my heart. Could we always be friends? There?s no doubt in my mind, heart, and soul that you will always be in my world. I will always be anywhere you need me, only for you. For you the tie will never be cut. For you I will never let you know how I put my heart on the line. For you your happiness is my constant goal.
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| WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? |
[19 Mar 2002|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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 envious |
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music |
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Staind- For You |
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Could I ever see myself past this point? Could I ever fall again? Where do I go from here? My heart has been on the line too many time to remember, but when is it possible that hope should run its final drops and run their final course. Could I see myself past this point ? Looking at myself down the road of life and wondering how I got here, after shooting my toes off each time. It a violent example towards the world I speak of, but I continue to lead myself down this same path. Same ways with different circumstances, but all I can do is wonder if I could ever realize what I mess up on and see myself past this point. But as quickly as that thought enters my mind, my heart jumps to the future and the ideas of what could happen in the all to close future. Could I ever fall again? I repeat in my mind over and over. Speaking these words silently from my lips, quiet hope that I can realize an answer or just have some hear what I am saying. To hear the words I continue to replay in my mind, the same question and still no answer. Where do I go from here? Where do I go when love is just a pipedream, but this dream is to strong in reality to think of it coming from the filtered reality of dreams. Could I ever see myself past this point? When I?m stuck wondering what is wrong. Could I ever fall again? After I can?t get to my feet and recover from this height. Where do I go from here? I don?t know.
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| Went to a Nightclub....... |
[19 Mar 2002|03:33pm] |
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peaceful |
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Pearl Jam- Last Kiss |
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I went to this nightclub on Sunday night(I know me at a nightclub seems weird). I was pretty weird at first, but after awhile it was cool. One negative part, I was standing outside with Lucinda and a few of her friends. We were just standing there and this guy out of the blue say "Hey I know you I use to give you shit in high school" What the hell? But cool part a friend of Lucinda stepped up and asked if he was going to say sorry. Basically he didn't but he looked pretty stupid. Well thats about it....
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[16 Mar 2002|02:56am] |
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Umm got new pic up, nice huh? Well I should have more entries coming soon.Sorry for not being around.
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| Creative Suicide.... |
[20 Feb 2002|07:41pm] |
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mood |
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BORING VVC JOURNALISM |
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Well its been awhile since I have actually typed anything in here. The last time I actually did was during the tough time after Tom died.
Well I guess I should catch the world up on my life as I see it. First, Tom's Birthday rolled by. I think that was the last thing I wrote about. The day went well.Me, Jason, and Jesse spent the day with Tom's family. I don't know why, but I was in a bad mood the entire time. It was nothing towards the people around me that day, but I guess it goes with the title or subject to this entry.
I have finally finish a short story, it has been such a long time since I actually wrote something good. I've written BS stuff, but nothing I was happy with. I wrote this story for Tammy. I love her so much and miss her, she goes to school in New York (I'll write another journal explaining that whole thing.) Well I wrote this and it took me forever to get it finished, usually it takes me a matter of days to get it done, but it took me about 3 months. I blame this city, people have told me that I need to get out of here or it will kill me, not like death Non-living "kill" but simply kill me creatively.I understood what they said the first time they said it to me, but for the love of everything that is holy I believe them now. Well besides that, I turn 20 in april. You know what that means it will be one year then I'm 21 and I can legally forget all my problems.
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[19 Jan 2002|12:11am] |
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blank |
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KORN-- Falling Away From Me |
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Today Tom would of turned 19. I wish I could say happy birthday to you.I miss you man.
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[13 Jan 2002|01:36am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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Limp Bizkit MY WAY REMIX |
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Basically you're just a big tough bastard.
People respect you but don't really like you.
And frankly you couldn't give a shit.Take The "Which WWF Wrestler are you?" Quiz.
Created by  Potman
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| Just a radom thought........ |
[10 Jan 2002|01:00am] |
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mood |
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Out of place |
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Limp Bizkit Faith Re-Mix |
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This might sound sad,but........
Have you ever wished that you were in a coma, so you could just close everything off for awhile.
I'm sorry if that sounded messed up, but I feel so out of place here and I just want to write that.
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| I don't know if this should be in my profile, but I think it would be good here though... |
[10 Jan 2002|12:30am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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Carson Daly's Talk Show |
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Some info has made its way to me. The info is conserning the content of some of my post.Wait, on a second look at the entries most of them are this way.Suicidal, thats what I recently got told to me and it was basically like this person was worried about me.
Well to put it simple, I'm not suicidal in anyway beside my writing I guess.Alot of people have told me that its psychological the way I write, because somewhere deep in the back of my mind that I actually want to do this. Maybe its true, but I guess I can put it as that writing has kept me away from doing it.
To put it simple for me,suicide is a final answer to an ever changing question.
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