Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Joliet Set Fire to the Sun's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, June 20th, 2002
11:35 am	katie jane garside is out of the blue house jolly good jolly good Fokkers I bring great news for all of you okay maybe just for the hell of it just for myself but but but I repost this from the Queen Adreena listserv. *************************************************************** Well, it had been a long time in coming, but Queen Adreena were finally playing in the Capitol again after a six month wait and several broken promises of imminent release of new material. After waiting through three very well rehearsed and eclectic support bands (although what were the 'Rage Against the Limp Bizkit' band doing on this bill!! I fucking hate nu-metal with pseudo rap vocals!!) then the moment had arrived. Katie wandered on wearing a minimalist version of her standard 'torn antique dress' outfit; ie the remains of one draped around her waist, topped by a see-thru bra top and withered flowers in her mane of hair. Orson started a simple nusery rhyme refrain on the glockenspiel and the band launched into the slow and haunting 'my silent undoing' from forthcoming album 'Drink Me'. Like the debut QA album 'Taxidermy', the new songs are of two types: slow, haunting, spooky ones such as 'my sient undoing', and full-on stomp rockers like 'Kittie Collar Tight' and 'Under a floorboard World. I have been attending gigs for some 20 years, and have seen literally hundreds of bands, including many of the 'greats' in rock and indie music; but I have never seen another band that exudes such passion and intensity as Queen Adreena. Katie Jane Garside puts absolutely everything of herself into her performance, and must end up physically and emotionally exhausted by the close of the set. She regularly flings herself into her crowd; wrestles long time cohort Crispin Gray to the ground; hurls her wooden chair across the stage (and at her fellow band members); and spins like a dervish before collapsing in a sweating heap on the floor, utterly spent. Lesser performers such as Courtney Love cite Katie as a defining influence, yet she has never attained the recognition that her performance and music deserve. Will 'Drink Me' change this situation? With the bands ongoing Management upheavals, and the continual delays to the release of the new material then I doubt it. The band seem doomed to exist on the periphery of success, blessed by a small, but utterly devoted following; but with wider recognition and commercial success eluding them. I just hope that Katie Jane's obvious need to express her tormented emotions through her and Crispin's music keeps the band going through the indifference of the rest of the world. Current Mood: lazy (Comment on this)
Friday, May 31st, 2002
3:53 pm	lol I am demeneted I post knowledge HAAARRRR What is Jazz? “Jazz washes away the dust of everyday life.” Art Blakey “Jazz is an Afro-American musical idiom -- in which many Afro-American idioms have contributed: field hollers, spirituals, blues, cake-walks, rag-time, R&B;, gospel , and Rock and Roll. All of these are closely related and have helped in the formation of Jazz. It's important to note that these idioms are NOT Jazz, but closely related.” Ira Gitler (B,7) Jazz Music is an American art. (B,7) It’s an art that has evolved and developed. (B,8) “Jazz has an impressive reputation. It is so interesting that it is played and analyzed in hundreds of colleges. Almost every high school and college has at least one jazz band. Though it originated in America, jazz is so compelling that musicians on every continent have played it and today there is no city without it. The sounds of jazz have influenced the development of new styles in popular music and the work of symphonic composers. Jazz is so sturdy that the old styles are still being played, and new styles are always being developed – In fact, jazz is regarded as a fine art, not just a passing fad.” (G,2) Two aspects that almost all jazz styles have in common: I. Swing a. How it makes you feel .It makes you want to move Dance - the clapping of hands – tapping of feet b. Musical characteristics .Steady, constant beat/pulse .An abundance of syncopated rhythms Syncopating = accenting just before or just after a beat Swing example “Oh When the Saints” 1. European straight/classical in nature (lack of syncopation) 2. Syncopated version, filled with - much syncopation - makes you want to move - performance is highly spirited conveying a lilting feeling. II. Improvisation A. “Off the cuff” -Drew Carey – dictates a scenario - a context. Within the context the comedians use words and phrases improvising a story. -Jazz musician’s context is a song/tune. They use individual & grouped together notes (chosen according to the chord of the moment) to improvise a musical story. A song/tune is made up of bars/measures and are used to divide a song /tune up into smaller pieces. “Oh when the Saints” | 1 2 3 4 | = one bar/measure. Sixteen measures or 64 taps/beats Two common Forms found in Jazz I. Blues = typically found in a twelve measure/bar form. | 1 2 3 4 | twelve measures or 48 taps/beat Riff Blue note call-and-response Scat Singing-L. Armstrong II. A A B A = Song form, 32 measure form or 128 taps/beats “ Got Rhythm” A - Melody, Measures 1-8 A – Repetition of first A, measures 9-16 B – New melody = Bridge, measures 17-24 A – Repetition of first A, measures 25 –32 (G,12) More vocabulary: Chord chord changes chorus comp or comping tempo Vibrato How to listen to Jazz To appreciate music, the listener must be actively involved. Understanding and enjoyment go hand in hand. Passive listening will not bring intelligent musical enjoyment. Rather, such enjoyment is fostered through active participation that includes understanding, careful listening, and emotional response. (B,11) Listening tips (G,10-11) 1. Imagine layers of sound, one on top of another, all moving forward in time. Each layer can rep0resent the sound of a different instrument. 2. Try to notice relationships between sounds 3. Try to imagine a graph of the solo line. 4. Some people hum the original tune to themselves while listening to the improvisations which are guided by its chord changes. 5. Try to divide the sounds into the functions they serve i.e. a. Soloist role? (What instruments) b. Accompanist role? Supporting role to foreground material. c. Rhythm section Guitar, Piano , bass , drums Instrument Roles Current Mood: devious Current Music: Gary Numan - Dead Heaven (extended mix) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
1:06 pm	FUCK FUCK Current Mood: FUCK Current Music: FUCK (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 28th, 2002
11:23 am	I wanna be a burger king kids member, they used to have the neatest kids club and they gave crowns out its members Mcdonalds had a scary azz clown pedophile and a purple dildo that chased after the unaware kids corporate america is trying to even fuck kids up the azz in constumed dildos god that is sick shte Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Insight - X Marks the Pedwalk (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 5th, 2002
2:57 pm	A Top 3 list thing cause I felt like it Fokkers =) My Top 3 Scary scary things 3 Mike Tyson as a midget 2 The alien from Spaceballs tap dancing 1 Pee Wee Herman having a kids show on prime time Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Everyday Is Halloween - TRS 80 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 31st, 2002
4:29 pm	THIS IS A MATTER OF LIBRARY BOREDOM If Invader Zim was a marshmello, what flavor would he be? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
10:28 am	daeh ym no dnuop sthguoht sseldne I have come to terms of being fairly happy with parts of my life in which I had felt there to be no recovery for, due to the non existence of life within modern society humanity. I found out I was wrong, I've been wrong all along. I am no better no worse than these people that I considered robotic in their movement and dialect. Maybe I feel on even grounds at some regards or something, I am really not sure, I am pretty much out of sorts at the moment. I went down to the creative writing level in the arts department, and no one has read my short story I left a week ago. Pretty much wonder how it is that we are supposed to do anything if we feel insignificant in our colleges. Why does it take over a week to read two pages I question to myself. Rambling in my mind are thoughts of how terribly drab it is in overused symbolism and incorrect usage of words that the person can not even comprehend a possible means to insult me enough to feel relieved of such a burden of shit. I don't know I feel my whims change from program to program on tv, I wanna be a cia agent, I wanna be a lawyer, I wanna be a charmed sister. Okay so maybe it doesn't go this far but goddamn it I feel like I have no opportunities at the moment, all the roads I am trying to take are leading me no where, did they fucking close down the bus stop here? To be honest I am a bit scaried lost issolated, from any feeling of knowing what I am doing, in context to college and sometimes life. Life seems okay, other than the fact that I hate making dinner and that I am hungry quite often when I have food at home. I want to be a writer, my teacher is very nice about his critiques of my writing, I got another one of those this was a pleasure to read marks, with no marks on the paper. I question whether he is interestd in me more than as a student which I am not interested in, I mean if I was gay I would be a gigilo heh, I have gotten phone numbers from people written on the back of information they hand out, guys looking at me etc, I think its cool to be looked at in such a positive manner, except for the fact I am completely not interested. I don't really think I would be looking for a relationship with a woman as it is anyways, I don't think I would push it away if it came but I think with all the things going on I don't know if I would be the best canidate for a relationship. I ask too many questions, I want to understand life, I write short stories and poems that have very dark condintations to them, I sometimes question the base of societial construction, I am not always chipper chipper, I am probably a manic depressant like my grandfather was, I haven''t been clinically depressed since 98, so maybe its something you can just deal with in life. I've known other people that claimed to be but it just seemed like a way for them to vent their rage on people which I think is bullshit, my ex friend Amy did that all the time. If someone confronts me in a indignified manner being an asshole, I don't have a problem handling the manner as well as I can and possibly not being as polite as one would like. I don't like expectations all that much, I think if you expect something of someone else you should expect something of equal case of yourself. If not you are pretty much full of shit in my opinion. god, I sit here and wander pondering in my lost mind wondering what it is I am trying to find. if it were so simple as the days before maybe I would just open the door, and find what it is I am searching to find. /\-jason-/\ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001
11:20 am	I started watching Dragonheart at my parents house over the weekend, and finished it last night. It took me a while but I couldn't place who the evil king was at first and then all of a sudden he said something and for the rest of the movie I knew he was from Clockwork Orange, I have always wondered what other movies he played in, he looks about the same as he did back then but with longer hair. It was quite amusing from that point on. A fairly tall black man on my way walking to class today stopped me in the church parking lot that I cross every day. He looked behind him to check to see if anyone else was around and got pretty close to me and told me he needed a couple bucks for something, then he infirmly stated, he did not drink, do drugs, or any of that stuff and could I give him 2 dollars. It was weird I looked into his eyes and I could see like psychicly or some shit what he was going to do, I guess what my presumption of his actions were, I don't know I could be full of shit but he appeared to look like he was just waiting for the moment I pulled out a wallet or any form of money that he was going to try to gank me, which made it rather interesting a moment to witness, being that I like to try to understand situations and people, but I told him that I was a student and I have no money other than change to buy a drink at the cafeteria, that is somewhat true but in my other pocket I had over $200, I think honesty is important but should not be a breeder of negativity. Maybe it is an answer to a question I had the other night, do the ends justify the means ever? From my observation today, I would say yes sometimes they do, not always though =) Lalalata grangorooaeee =) I love being weird when no one can really criticize anything that means anything to me its great, I am started to not really take great notice to the way people perceive me if they chose to mistake my wordings or approach to speaking then so be it. I do like conversing with people though and I am not afraid to do so given the provocation of a question, concern or interest. Life is life, life is a beat, keep on beating or give up your drum. I am very close to changing my surname to the way it was spelled back in france before they americanized it. Which might lead me to saying my name wrong, and then I will have to learn how to sign once again, all the joys of societal demands, but for once it makes me happy doing something that means something instead of the usual scribing of inconsistant meaning (thankyou,godblessyou,haveagoodday)_, I bring this riterramang to an end with a special message if you have a frown turn that frown upside down and enjoy the wonders of the human race eat chicken eat cattle they just graze and shit were we to care and clean up then we would be dundering twits lalala lelele I got nothing to say but I will say it anyway thankyou,godblessyou,haveagoodday Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Friday, September 28th, 2001
12:48 pm	I took the survey that Cymon posted that he stole from Ghostfire I believe, its kinda cool. I like Kant and Hume, still haven't gotten thru the Sarte book I have so not sure how well he fits with my philosophy. Your Results: 1. Sartre (100%) 2. Kant (71%) 3. Hume (63%) 4. Bentham (60%) 5. Nietzsche (60%) 6. Mill (58%) 7. Noddings (53%) 8. Epicureans (50%) 9. Stoics (50%) 10. Hobbes (46%) 11. Spinoza (44%) 12. Cynics (39%) 13. Prescriptivism (33%) 14. Aquinas (32%) 15. Augustine (28%) 16. Rand (28%) 17. Plato (26%) 18. Aristotle (12%) 19. Ockham (11%) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 27th, 2001
2:58 am	here in this library just expressing my thoughts for a moment of time Just thought I would step into the library, get things off my mind. I am sort of coming to my perceptual realizations about who I am currently and what is motivating me and determining my directions that I take daily in my waking hours. Its not so complex as I had first determined but more likely confined to a realistic projection of goals attainable to me by pursueing an educational degree, lines paper, science facts, numbers and digits spinning around swirling and making me feel that my mind may break down but as soon as this occurs I find release for my frustration and begin to recirculate my itinary of figures and decimals into my neverending circuit train stop of thoughts and actions. I go to school, I am not sure whether I want to learn more or to achieve something that sounds great, but without the knowledge what am I to do? end up like my brother that cheated all the way thru college, never learning more than what was going to be on the test or quiz that week. I don't find satisfaction in that, but the perplexing problem inherant into this system of freeway learning is that, I personally can not learn the mass amount of material that is presented to me in such a short allotted space of time. It just doesn't even seem feasible in the least. So it begins to take places in the long formed like like a wendy's or mcdonalds everything is made to serve packaged sometimes cooked well sometimes too much maynaise on the sandwiche to the point you have to scrape what you can off and throw away half of the bread. I am looking to get beyond this fast food line maybe to consistantly being able to make my own food instead of depending upon others to do it for me, I just can't afford a mcChicken sandwiche everyday its not economical. Surplanting ideas seem to infest this manifestation of a neuralpathway I call my brain, I don't know why I think the way I do, I can't explain it, hell I don't know where I come up with some of the words I use, I never think them till I use them. Its weird like a form of what Socrates believed was just remembered what you knew before you were alive, that when you are dead you are one with everything understanding everything but when you are alive its remembrance of these things that make you come to terms with geometry, and things of that sort. I would like to believe that there are things that are interesting to do when I die, I really want to, I think its possible, its so impractical to even conceive what we call life, of the ability of sight, for some parts, maybe a small collective of blind people don't believe in it, and that they think they are being fucked with people that just learned another way to get around, I don't know its a thought, but in practicality and logic, life shouldn't exist not by terms we do. So I question why the hell not something likewise impractical exist when we are dead, I mean it can't be too much weirder than the state we perpetually coexist in at this moment I am writing. I am going to get off here, I gotta get back to my apartment and see if I can get ahold of the admissions counselors here to get something fixed that they screwed up. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
7:57 pm	Come Bei (korean word for Cheers) My part in bridging the language gap Its tonight and I am tired as shit, I went over to Jae's party and brought some Sake. I was well liked by his japanese guests, they could appreciate my love for sake. It was very cool, Jae made alot of korean food,which was very very good. It was better than the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I had earlier that day. He kept dumping mass amounts of chips and popcorn on the map he opened up on the table, which was good cause all of us were like pigs to the feeding trough. There was 10 of us, me being the only american, but it didn't matter to them, I was a bit worried that it was going to be difficult to fit in. The last few days I've been noticing the things that make people not communicate well with asians, but the sillyness at which they handle themselves in those situations and how the people I was with handeled the miscommunication. A couple of the guys at the party were pacing the hallways in the dorm just saying "very interesting very interesting" I was cracking up, so were some of the other people there. There are gaps between asian humour and american humour but when you hang out with them for a little while, you realize they can be alot of fun to be around. It was very interesting ;) to talk to them about philosophy and other things, they kept telling me I needed to go to Japan they would be my guide, and were very cool about saying that they thought I was very openminded and had a good heart, the guy that everyone kept saying just ignore him was telling me I was his god, lol they told me he is very friendly to strangers when he gets drunk. I had a blast, drank more beer than I have ever drank in my life, atleast 10 beers, we had to shotgun a few, about 8 of us did it at the same time, talk about a lot of beer on the floor. I wasn't use to sitting on the ground he had put a curtain type thing on the ground but my ass was killing me and my legs screamed to stretch out, but alas there was jack shit for stretching room, Jae offered me a chair to sit in but I felt it was wrong to be sitting abover everyone else so, I wound up back on the ground. Anyways lest to say I had alot of fun, I am going to have him come with me to the City Club (the gothic industrial club in detroit) in a few weekends. That should be alot of fun, doubt he has seen anything like it over there. Anyways I got an email my dad sent me to respond to so... Current Mood: sore Current Music: Feel the Universe - Juno Reactor (Comment on this)
Friday, September 21st, 2001
2:22 pm	2-day killing time before it kills me I've been thinking about ways I can help people. I don't think I would be good with children that have illness' or handicap, cause I am not good with handeling that sort of thing, atleast I don't think I am, its not like I don't try but :| who knows. So I finally found something I can do as a volunteer thing, its helping people that are learning English at the Career English Language Student of International Study, atleast I think thats it. I got a conversation partner to work with right when I signed up I thought it was rather cool, especially when I got back to my apartment and gave him a call, he was very excited. I might quit fencing cause I absolutely have 0 time to study those days without doing so. 10-11 1-3 3-7 7-10:30 its just too crazy, if I eliminate the 7-10:30 it should be a bit easier. I promised myself to work harder and actually put studying as a top priority it has a tendency to get pushed down the list when I don't pay attention. So anyways I am burning a little bit of time cause I am supposed to meet Jae at 3pm, I still have absolutely no clue what we are going to talk about, I am supposed to be a conversational partner after all. It would help if I knew the area around here, so I could figure out places we could hang out, instead of just sitting inside an eatery area. I wrote my dad this long email last nite, he had sent me a simple email, so I got on the computer and decided to send a complementary reply which is a fairly common practice, but it sort of evolved into telling him what my day was like etc, and I realized while writing it that I didn't feel any of the restraints that I might normally feel when talking to him, I just wrote what I thought, I did keep from using 'profanity' I think I do that more out of respect for my parents especially since I know they don't like movies with an overabundance of it. So hence I might as well limit my usage of it in their presence. I am sort of noticing also that people here at college for the most part are very open to being friendly its like everyone expects every conversation to turn into a friendship. Not completely use to it and when I find some confortability with it then there is a person that doesn't fit that, its kinda odd but it really is more possitive than negative. I am sort of babbling at the moment I told this guy across from me that I would watch his stuff for him while he was gone and he has been gone for about 5 minutes, I WANT TO LEAVE :) if he doesn't get back really soon I am going to have to, need a poddy break. I picked up two catalogues also for the study abroad programs, I am very very interested in going to France, maybe so I can joke about the british people they are just too much fun to make fun of, Pollocks run a close second though heh, my brother's ex had a polka band play for their wedding lol it was great in a weird demented sort a way, his fiance is polish, he never fucking learns I guess. Anyways the guy is back I am gone. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: the person coughing nearby and the sounds of keys tapping (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 20th, 2001
11:00 pm	paper machette feelings of disaray but there is no clouds in the sky today I feel pretty good today, I stayed up last night till 1am writing a 5 page essay on 3 of shakespeare's poems, my mistress' eyes, shall I compare thee to a summer's day, and Let me not to the marriage of true minds. I went to class and it was pretty cool, ended up staying about 15 mins over to finish editting the person's essay I had been looking at. The class is only an hour and 50 minutes, so its difficult to really do peer editting after discussion of the assigned readings. In Latin class we were laughing our asses off, we tried to distract the teacher with questions to get out of taking the quiz, he realized what we were doing when the guy next to me asked the same question the third time. After class I went to work and helped one of my many bosses out on formatting and revising a population index form. The excitement was too much to bear =) to be honest it was fun, they let me do all kinds of work thats pretty decent to do, there is occasional data entry but thats not very often, usually I am faxing and looking over things for errors etc. When I got off of work, I tried to flag down the bus, the driver waved at me and shrugged, I thought to myself what a nice person, I guess I was too white to "Ride the bus". Some guy that had just got off told me she does that shit all the time, that she is a real fucking bitch, I saw his point, I didn't feel a great surgance of love for her. I wasn't about to let that ruin my day though I was feeling pretty good so I began to walk and after a short distance I heard music. So I started honing in like a dog to a water hydrant. And viola garage band that had a vocalist that sounded like much like Eddie Vedder (sp?) I figured what the hell so I walked up to them and listened and after they took a break I introduced myself and got invited to a party Saturday night. I don't know if I am going to attend the guy was telling me he didn't invite many guys intentionaly because he didn't want it too be all guys and no chicks, but he said he is now beginning to worry that there aren't enough guys and that the girls are going to be pissed cause of the lack of guys. His party selling line was, "plenty of bitches and hoes to go around" what a wonderfull message. I don't think I am going to go. I thought the people seemed cool, but I have nothing to offer bitches and hoes as he put it. Something about wanting to be something better, to seek some form of enlightenment, makes things that I would of dreamt about seem so ridiculous and trivial. I don't want "pussy" I don't want "fucking" hell I've already decided not to even have sex till possibly marriage if I ever do such a thing, which I have my doubts. I am thinking I am becoming more of a person I feel I have respect for, I don't do things for the most part anymore unless my instincts tell me to or I just know it is right which is usually instincts. I don't know how well I would do as a musician anymore myself, I really don't want those things that are considered the perks of being a musician except I love the feeling the vibration of the music and the moment you realize you are singing and it is sounding good and its reaching that pitch that you can't imagine anything feeling any better God I am so in need of a music fix, I keep fucking around with this set of chords on my guitar b e c12 barchord 2 string 1st fret a g rinse repeat I keep adding onto it and it sounds decent but I need more, I feel like a junkie who got a free fix and now is scrounging for money to buy some. I need sleep. Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 19th, 2001
1:34 pm	How (1) feels but being taken I guess I will just be number 2 I retract my being I retract my thought I retract my seeing I retract my feelings bought I don't want it anymore I don't need your sympathy I don't need your needing me I don't want your lies for me I don't want Love is having Love is being Love is expression But feelings are desolation and uncontaining I lost what I have Looking back it wasn't there for me to have Gasp sigh lost happiness Saddness never lets up Tears drop Slight sting Silvery echoeing pain Dreary overcast yet again it begins to rain The day comes to a close And my life it is sold Current Mood: stillness Current Music: blah blah blah =0 XOXOPOSPEOPJLEJFKEI<DMCMEL (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
7:46 am	Random Complementory Draughts of Insanity So... I've been thinking alot lately, kinda realized I need to work a lot harder on things, I didn't study at all after Tuesday, I was 1 of 2 people that got an E on their Latin quiz. And I have a paper due on Thursday 4-5 pages over my interpretation of My Mistress Eyes by this guy named Shake something. So last night, finally receiving my financial aid I went about 20 minutes out to deposit it in my account and my parents account to repay my parents back a thousand for the car repairs. Then after going there I saw a mall, the only good sized one I've seen around here so I went. I found a couple books I wanted, Beowulf by Samuel Essen I think, and this other book my old friend Dan kept telling me to get, it was on the sale rack, I had forgotten about it, The way of the Peacefull Warrior by Dan Millman. I also picked up a Playboy for the articles, like anyone actually even reads them. My brother swears to reading them, not really into most of the other magazines, putting fingers into orfaces of any kind and spreading them as far as you can doesn't really constitute any form of art that I want to take witness to. So after going to Waldons and B Daltons I went to FYI and found an album in the sale bin for 3.99 Girls Under Glass - Firewalker. I couldn't remember what I had heard about them but the album was from Germany and the record label was Deathwish, so I figured what the hell. It is pretty decent from what I've heard of it, mix between KMFDM and Sister Machine Gun in my opinion after listening to it a couple times. After all that I went and watched a movie that I believe was made to waste peoples time and money as a sad joke of any form of cinema. The piece of dung is called Ghost of Mars. I really thought it was going to be pretty decent, but I left feeling like I had been ripped off and I wanted to burn the tape that projected it, hence I walked away feeling somewhat annoyed, bitching about it to myself on my drive back to my apartment. By the time I got home it was 9:30 pm, and I knew that I was planning on studying last nite, like I said I have this English paper due on Thursday, and I also have a Geography test due on Wednesday, plus my being behind in Latin doesn't help matters. So basically last nite when I was laying in bed I was thinking about how hard I had to work to be where I am today, 2 years of fucking hell to be here today, and all I have been doing is pissing it away. I was so irritated thought I was going to give myself a heart attack, by the way my dad hit a kid on a bike also so that made things interesting talking to him, I guess he more pushed the kid off the bike with the car he was at a stop light or stop sign and the kid rushed out in front of the car and got knocked over, my dad didn't sound very well from it described his day as interesting. I would of said fucked up. I seem to sensor myself around my parents but I let them read my poetry and stories, which include my perpetual state of streaming consciousness, usually of dire and dark themes. What are my favorites works of mine as of late, a drowning man who fell off a ship, and the days surrounding a suicide attempt after finding out a girl is interested in him and the insecurities. Quite dark I would say but I guess its the way things are, I honestly thought I had come much further than this, but as enlightened as I believed I was, I am not. I am just here like everyone else, trying to find that puzzle so that I have a question to ask and maybe to ponder. I don't understand life, I don't understand metaphysical, all I seem to do is freak myself out when I discover anything new that I didn't expect. Religiously I have no where to turn, I am not a christian, I am not a jew, I am not a pagen, I am not satanic, I am not atheist/agnostic, I am a monotheist but where do we go? I can't help but feel completely confused and unsure what to do in almost every aspect of my life except I like to go to my parents house and play with my dog, I wonder where everything turned so complicated and when it was that I became "responsible" wasn't there supposed to be a manual for that? -Jason- (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 13th, 2001
6:36 pm	/ I kinda wanna say something other than my unbelieveable feelings of sorrow for what happened, I mean I don't know, I don't feel what the people feel that have lost someone I can't I feel depressed as fuck but its so fucking disgusting to me, and there are people asking well when are they gonna quit talking about it like its a fucking soapopera that they don't wanna watch, they wanna turn the channel. It beads at my chest, I don't know if its just stress or if its just cause I haven't eatten enough today, but I am really feeling scornful and distrustful of things, Last night I heard a helicopter fly over my apartment, I closed my eyes tighter than they were and was completely afraid it was going to crash and kill me and everyone else there. I know its unjustified why the hell would anyone wanna destroy an apartment building and all that other shit I know I am not important enough to be the target of a terroist, but I think thats how everyone feels its this fear that wasn't there before, that at any moment shit can get really fucked up, my professor for English was talking today about his brother in law that was in the WTC the 2nd building and how his brother in law was talking to his other brother after the first explosion, and telling him he couldn't leave it was safer where they were and they had alot of work they couldn't leave. So he hung up with him to call his wife and while he was talking to her the 2nd plane hit, so he immediately tried to call back but the lines were dead. I don't know what the US will do, I don't know if it will be "right" philosophically or if there is such a "right" in such a case. I don't know. Its all confusing its all so pointless, in 20 years, children will be looking in their history books reading with apathy towards whats going on now, as we all did when we read about a ship being sank in hawaii. It really makes me wonder, maybe people will be joking about it? My cousins were laughing their asses off to Titanic the part where all the people who were holding onto the top of the ship started falling. Are people going to be doing the same when they show the people jumping out of windows to get away from the inferno that surrounds them burning their skin off and contaminating the very air they breathe, falling to their deaths. I question why is all this necessary, like I said I wish I could say something else but its all thats on my mind. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
5:24 pm	FUCKINGFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK All I want to say is, this whole thing is a bunch of fucking bullshit. People showing exactly what they are at times, completely fucking ignorant of other people's feelings or being too damn stuborn to allow the idea that maybe others can think freely. Fuck this shit, I mean really, I've been questioning for a long time, what is it about people, why is it that I see a black person and I feel different than if I saw a white person. Its all fucking prejudice, everything, I don't really give a shit at all right now, I tried to come up with a song yesterday in respect to the people who lost their lives needlessly, and to all the people I've never given a thought to that die needlessly to all the sick fucks in the world. But the song sucked it wasn't even fucking music it was so fucking horrible, I mean I am not a musician not even fucking close, I wish I was but I am not so I will quit disgracing any semblance of recognition of them in that part. I am deciding philosophically that currently I am going to say fuck it to worrying about these differences, and maybe start trying to understand something else something important before the world fucking goes up in flames or some shit. I hate the fucking way people are is so bullshit (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 9th, 2001
8:00 pm	I find something rather funny that I just figured out, I had a couple friends where I use to live. And well, this was where I was living in a one bedroom apartment with 6 other people. I wanted to be with this girl, I fell in love with Sarah, which that short story is about, well not really about her but the situation that transpired the day before I met her and the few days after she looked me in the eyes while we were in the same bed and told me she had liked me since she first say me and all this other shit (scrathes back of head) well anyways such and such. The other people were 1 amy, 2 kim, 3 amy's boyfriend, 4 scott, 5 bob the gay guy, 6-10 always a new person it seemed everynite. It was a really shitty existence but I didn't really notice cause I had what I thought was true love, but anyways the point of my story is that me and sarah got kicked out rather crudely for not wanting to pay all the rent, long fight ensued, very nasty shit, one part me telling kim if she touched any of my shit I was going to throw her fat ass off the fucking balcony with whatever she touched. She had pushed me beyond any edge of sanity I stood on and if she decided to try to push one more button there would be something getting broken. This was in 97' before all my life turned into a business machinical enviroment full of jobs and demands. Back in April I recieved an email from kim saying she was curious how I was doing, and that she found me by searching on the web. This is all cool to me but after talking to her a few times she just quit emailing me which was fine with me in all ways, I really don't have a huge fascination with straining myself over a friendshit like that, well I wondered on it and then I just looked at my picture on my yahoo id and laughed the nostril brain picture probably was the reason why atleast thats what I am guessing, if not so be it but its much funnier thinking of it in this way. Anyhow I looked at it and decided to change it anyways it was fun for a while but I am too use to it now, maybe I will get a marker and make a butt puppet picture one day, who knows. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Sado-Sasochism - Velvet Acid Christ (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 8th, 2001
2:23 pm	(teethy grin) I watched Run Lola Run! last night, it was great, best movie I've seen in a while. I was confused when I thought the movie was gonna end after 20 minutes, thought it was pretty good but too damn short, very cool the things they questioned, and demonstrated. Whole movie seemed like a premise of true love and the philosophical questions regarding such a rare phemenomon. I rented this other movie which I don't think will be very good I question why I rented it now :/ who knows maybe it will surprise me doubt it though. I did buy Killer Clowns from Outer Space on dvd though for 9.99 =) also finally got Haujobb's new album, which I've been playing loud enough to bring art into the lifes of my housemates. Industrial is non existant here I found that out yesterday =( I was too use to living in Detroit. The closest I get to industrial is people who look like they are but listen to eminem, I will have to find survivors of this culture wasteland, it may be difficult. I've been fiddling around with my Charvel which has been fun, trying to come up with something but keep feeling as if I am just playing with myself till I start memorizing some more chords, I only have somewhere around 40 memorized :/ I only play the 5th scale also so I need lots of practice, I have a few other scales that I use to play but I gotta rememorize them after 4 years of not playing them. I did do something good today I put my books on the bookcase =) it was great they do look much better there than on the desk in a heap, I can't say I am in any hurry to do the same for my music and videos. I think I am finally over my cold too which is about fucking time I've had it for a weak even got that cold sore thing on my lip which I swear I did everything to prevent, but none the less. I did something constructive too, I revised the hell out of Sarree et le Tritone, my short story, it was worse than I remembered grammerically, but after about an hour I was done, so I gave it to my Literary Analysis Prof, along with a poem I wrote Lacyramal Breeze, I am curious to see if he figures out what it is about from the metaphors or if he will take it literal. Current Mood: hungry Current Music: Alle gegen alle-DAF, She's a killer-Alien Sex Fiend (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 5th, 2001
2:14 pm	Part II nothing in common but words I am in a new lab they opened up today, its where food is =) except I don't eat the food here, perplexing isn't it. They do have 44 oz pop for 49 cents though which is great. I got to work fine this morning, and to my first class, but got confused due to the fact the book store sold the majority of us the semester previous book without the password. So I waited in line for about 20 minutes, finally feeling relieved that I had found my receipt. When I finally got thru the checkout line I realized I needed to buy my parents a couple sweatshirts, so input system output rinse and repeat. Thats my geography talking. I find myself wanting to say "anyways" or something of the sort, when I say something someone might construe as idiotic. One might lose their mind at such a time. But, I've gotten use to it. There are so many things on my mind. Mostly, not classwork related, but I seem to have kept myself inline so far as to studying even if it is 11pm when I get home --== with my road ridden feet that feel sore like battered pancake mix left in the sun baking for hours ran over by an old hooptie, black crows pecking at the remnants with bitterness to it being their sole filling any... beat beat beat this is the beat essence-vibration-shaking-and-moving breaking---(==concentration==) life-living-feeling,-----breathing beat+is+life+is-living tap tap tap bidebapbap, lead to my credio. no sense getting lost in libido lyrical mindset groovy complexion of ideals. kick the can-O-man, there is no done without doing Lies-2ourself are devious and disguising where there is no where to hide Live or die but you gotta decide its more than you or I man its the beat (2 Comments |Comment on this)