Ephemeral Musings

Ephemeral Musings

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December 11th, 2004

Current Mood:	awake
Subject:	Misfits... perhaps to be read at my brother's memorial...
Time:	11:48 pm

Misfits

The misfits of this world come in all shapes and sizes.
They are found in every walk of life and in every culture.
Sometimes, it is an obvious deformity...
Most times, it is merely a subjective thing...
Something in the way that person sees the world and reacts to it....
That thing is often the person's greatest asset, regardless of how inconvenient it appears.

Danny... was a misfit in today's society.
He did not choose to be different and indeed, at times, tried too hard to "fit in"
He had a gift for the meticulous... no matter the task...
One could be assured that he would take twice the time to do it.
But it got done.. and often to the highest standard.. he was a perfectionist.
If he was hurried, then mistakes were made and frustrations came out.
If given the time to do as he pleased, he generally did very well.

I remember.... watching him... entranced by his slow, methodical approach to the task at hand.
The concentration on his face belied the intensity with which he worked.
You could see the wheels turning and I was fascinated by that.
Each movement was precise and when he did rush, which wasn't often,
One could sense a grand energy of inspiration pushing him.
His love of photography allowed him a creative outlet in a medium few really master.
And when he was allowed to be 'Danny' with it -- his creative eye shown brilliantly.

Danny often wowed us with his grand ideas.... sometimes we'd chuckle and shake our heads
Thinking: "How can he say that?" "Doesn't he see his limitations?"
But Danny knew how to dream big... and he didn't let little things like doubt and limits deter his fantasies...
Or even keep him from fulfilling them on occassion - often as the rest of us stood by in disbelief.

He liked music. "Noise" as our parents would call it.
Later, I was introduced to much of the music he had in his collection...
And was surprised at the intelligence and talent behind the bands.
Danny.. if nothing else... often knew quality... even if it weren't always to others' tastes.

Danny was a misfit. No one denies that.
Some of us may feel like we didn't do enough somehow to welcome him into our lives...
I know he tried to be as much a part as we'd allow...
I think he was often too painfully aware of his status as an outsider.

I know that God likes misfits. The universe seems to abound with them in every corner.
I know Danny had a purpose and it is now finished.
Perhaps it was to teach us patience - either in dealing with frustrations out of our control...
Or in taking a slower, more precise attention to our tasks at hand. Being truly in the moment.
Maybe he needed to show us how to dream big, despite our limitations...
I think some of those grand schemes kept him motivated to go on each day.
Perhaps it is to be a survivor - and Danny most certainly was that - often surviving things that would've killed others.

The search... to fit in... drives so many of us today -- and Danny didn't escape that need.
It is what kept him with us for so long and in remembering him, we remind ourselves that life is full of amazing quirks....
I know that while there is an element of chance in this Universe... I know nothing is by chance.

The Master Designer allows for quirks and idiosyncracies... and with good reason.
Those are the very things that make us unique...
They all have the imprint of something that doesn't quite 'fit' into the rest of the mold.
Those are the things we're often remembered and known by....
They are the things that make us Human - that remind us, we too... are misfits.

comments: Give me your thoughts

Current Mood:	depressed
Subject:	Today, so far
Time:	11:16 pm

I had a slow start, choosing to sleep in and eat breakfast, pack and take my time rather than hurry up here. I made the drive in record time though thanks to very light traffic. The weather was mostly clear and my flu meds helped me stay on track.

Got here, disappointed that the friendly cellular service isn't very active where my parent's are either. I guess they are just too far from the towers. :S

My sister arrived from FL about an hour after me.

Some of my Dad's relatives brought in a lot of food... and we ate a little. We spent most of the night discussing which pictures to put up and what the memorial service would contain. The pastor from their church came by to briefly discuss the service too.

There is a lot of sympathy towards my parents, both of them have been members of this church for 31 years and my Dad was very active as a Deacon until several years ago. It is nice to see... I'm glad that my parents will have the support of their local community as and when the rest of us can't be here.

I wonder... how the 'share your story/memories of Danny' bit will go over... what, if anything, will be said. Not many of us have spoken of any good memories. Most have only complained.

*ponders*

comments: Give me your thoughts

December 10th, 2004

Current Mood:	sympathetic
Subject:	And the week ends with a bang...
Time:	03:18 pm

My oldest brother died this morning. The details are still sketchy, but I know my adopted mom found him and that all the rest of us kids are descending upon them tomorrow.

It is a blessing in disguise, because he was draining the life out of my parents -- and yet, I know they are devastated at losing a child. I know they performed CPR on him until the ambulance arrived - but he was pretty much DOA (dead on arrival).

*sighs*

What a week. I'm still not even 75% well. The anti-flu meds are what's keeping me going.

I cashed my checks from the Insurance company ($24 overpayment) and the $250 from my dad's lawyer. I want to put them away in my money bin to put into an account for my Denmark trip next year. I may need to dip into it for my travel to NC as this is an unexpected trip. I don't want to. I get paid Tuesday. *reminder to self* check bank account tomorrow am to see if all things have cleared*

I'm living paycheck to paycheck now. It's kinda weird not having the buffer of Ash's money :S I'll live, I just gotta be stingy for a while. And this is the time of year it's not good to be stingy :(

We'll see... I know all will be oki in the end. I just hurt for my parents and yeah, I feel a little sad over Danny's passing too. But I'm more sad for my parents - no matter how problem the child, it has to hurt beyond belief to lose one.

*wanders back to work* I'm nearly done with all I need to do... and then I can go home. I need to sleep. I need to rest. I need to do laundry (something I'd not planned on until well into the weekend). I need to pack. *sighs*

comments: 4 notions or Give me your thoughts

December 9th, 2004

Current Mood:	cranky
Subject:	very bleak day indeed
Time:	04:46 pm

I'm pissed.

Blåtand, bless his heart, sent me some things that he'd bought for me on his trip to Norway. He sent them economy because there were four books, a couple of t-shirts and stuff.

Well, I got the box. That's it. There are 3 books in it - or rather tied inside it as the sides were missing -- 2 of them are in portuguese and one is an english 'magazine' with some religious articles.

The post office person I spoke to was like, well "he put the yellow plastic tape on it" Uhm, no whoever damaged the fucking box put the damn yellow plastic things on it!! I've received other boxes and believe me, none of them ever had yellow plastic tape on them! And none were damaged. It's like the entire side got ripped off and then the contents spilled out (must've happened to at least another box and they just hurriedly dumped the contents into whatever box and tied them up). Someone somewhere is waiting for portuguese religious text books and is perhaps going to get my books on Norway *sobs* not to mention the other things.

I'm all for the post office folks being treated well etc, but damnit, why in the bloody hell do they have to be so fucking careless just because things are from another country. I don't know if it's trackable, it wasn't sent 'registered' mail by usa standards, even though there are several barcodes,etc. *fumes* I'm being given the brush off because it came from another country. Who's to say it didn't get damaged here? sheesh.

comments: 1 notion or Give me your thoughts

December 8th, 2004

Current Mood:	crappy
Subject:	Nicked from ledaire
Time:	09:31 pm

I'm not terribly surprised by this.. apart from the anarchy bit... perhaps... although I would've expected 'christian' to rank slightly higher *shrugs* perhaps I"m just not feeling particularly "christian" right now... heh.

You scored as Buddhist.

Buddhist

80%

Anarchist

75%

Catholic

70%

Jewish

65%

Christian

45%

Cult

25%

Religion
created with QuizFarm.com

Oki.. sure... heh. I have to admit I didn't have a clue who'd 'show up' :) lol

comments: 1 notion or Give me your thoughts

Current Mood:	grumpy
Subject:	The entire week, so far.. is a very bad Monday....
Time:	09:11 am

Patience is also a form of action. --Auguste Rodin

Oh yeah and man do I need some! My boss's laptop is infected with some virus/es - no idea what kind as it floods our internet connection every time I hook it up. A 45-second d/l for virus definition updates turns into a nightmare wait that ends with the program 'not responding'. I can't put the virus defs on a cd because it won't read the cd even in safe mode. I can't d/l anything that might be of use.

Of course, was going to wipe it completely, but... can't find the original software for the damn thing. Which has turned into a circus of Deb more or less accusing me of losing it or not looking in all my drawers and files properly and then remembering perhaps that she did, afterall, think it might be best if it were kept in the boss's desk where it could be easily accessed by her and me. Of course, he's like "I don't have it." *wants to scream*

I'm not an IT person. What little I know is because I've been forced (mainly by this job) to learn it through online geek forums, help sections and plain old asking those people at my disposal, including my ex.

I told Ash last night that if I'm going to be continually treated as the "resident IT" person, then they ought to bloody send me to school for it and pay me extra for the trouble.

That won't be happening any time soon though... *sighs*

Well, back to work. Ash is thinking he might be able to help, if I can meet him at Starbucks and he can have a look. We'll see...

comments: Give me your thoughts

December 6th, 2004

December 3rd, 2004

Current Mood:	creative
Subject:	heh.
Time:	03:21 pm

Oki, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something... or maybe I do need to do the website idea Juli keeps insisting I should set up for my crochet. I was at the post office buying envelopes and stamps with which to send the angels I made. The postal worker who was helping me began to comment how pretty the angels were and that she could tell I was very talented :| *okay* She asked if I made sweaters and I said yes. I gave her my mobile number and told her to call me if she wanted to pursue it and I'd bring a pattern or two that seem to be what I think she wants.

I was so unprepared! No card, no set prices :S It was a little embarrassing, but she seemed to be undeterred by my growing shyness over the matter. I honestly do not know what to charge for something. Most times, people buying 'handmade' want much cheaper than store bought. That was the general idea when I was growing up. Of course, you visit a consignment shop or a local artistans guild and those pieces are anything but cheap. They are quality workmanship and surely worth their price.

I know I do very nice work in crochet. I just have a very bad tendency to sell myself for pennies because no one will pay more than a few bucks for a doily (despite the manhours some of them take) - barely double cost of materials. Most things, I give as gifts - and never bothered with 'what is this worth'? I know people say "I see stuff like that in stores for x-amount." But.. do you buy it at x-amount? Would you pay more for a handmade piece? *shrugs* a lot of people won't.

I need to get as many photos as possible from past work (although, it would have to be the pattern cover, which, regardless of my intent to showcase my abilities, would be a copyright infringement to sell *those* pieces directly). I know I could make more hair scrunchies/bows/ponytail bands and put them up, as those are unique to what I feel like at that moment. I need to catalogue what I can do and have done so I can replicate them in future orders, if I get any. It's worth a shot, no I won't make money to live off, but it could potentially be cash for small extras and savings for my trip. :)

Well... much to think on. A little effort and a lot of smarts, I could possibly do things on a first-come-first-served basis and not worry with an inventory. People will wait for a product if I'm frank about how long it would take to make it.

I need to consider brochures and/or cards to put up on different bulletin boards and to give out, should anyone ask again. Certainly looks like I'm more than up for a challenge of making a sweater if asked on the spot than the embarrassing show I did today :S

*crosses fingers* I hope... the lady moves forward with the sweater idea... of course, not until after I finish Juli's stuff :P She was like, "you have to finish my projects first!" *laughs* yes, I'm aware of that... hehe.

comments: 1 notion or Give me your thoughts

December 2nd, 2004

December 1st, 2004

November 30th, 2004

Current Mood:	working
Subject:	Update....
Time:	04:30 pm

Well, what to say?

The energies from the weekend have returned to normal. I noticed that Meeko is back to her old self now. The drama from Saturday night has passed and misunderstandings have been corrected. Work yesterday was not fun. Last Wednesday the power went out due to a bad electrical storm and it stayed out for nearly 3 hours. I'm not sure if it was the lighting strike or the length of time the power was out, either way, our telephone system was completely wiped out and I had to call for someone to reprogram it Monday.

That took most of my day as I had to help the guy in telling him which extensions had voice mail and other features, to try to get things up and running as normally as possible. I also spent a good portion of the day doing damage control with my bosses computer - he had 5 trojans on it. This morning, I managed to get into the files and registry keys and delete all references and programs to them. I've run an independent virus search off the internet Housecall by Trendmicro is a great source. I also ran the Norton scan in safe mode, which gave me the locations of the appended files to the trojans (listing them as either adware or spyware and not trojans as Housecall had done).

I used that list and in safety mode, manually deleted them. Well, all but one. I re-ran the Housecall to see what, if any, I'd managed to delete and I'd gotten all but one hidden, compressed file. I used Housecall to delete that file and used their fact sheet to make sure all other components and related adware were also deleted from the system.

I then ran Lavasoft's AdawareSE, d/l and ran Spybot Search & Destroy and then d/l and configured Spyware Blaster to hopefully keep most of the other nasty buggers out of my boss's computer.

(Aside: It's not his fault, he 1)inherited this thing from someone who was notorious for porn site visits and 2) he clicked onto a popup trying to delete it and voila! it downloaded tons of shite onto his hard drive and took over his web browswer, etc.)

I'm sure there's still some old adware shite on his computer or file extensions that need cleaning... I've just not gotten around to researching all the possible malware, spyware and adware stuff. During my deleting the current set of trojans, I ran across adware that had been on his computer since 1999, when the other dude had it And, I recall doing the pc doctor free scan on the computer and it found like 800 files that needed to be removed, of course, it only removed 18. Sooooooooooooo... it's either pay for something like pc doctor to delete the crap or scower geek forums for answers as and when I get the time.

At least it's not doing the whole background flickering and it's not painfully slow in opening applications or in web browsing. I hope the spyware blaster will keep most of the shite out until I can properly clean it. I'm not a techie and geesh... it takes me a lot longer than someone who's already got access to the tools and knowledge bases.

What else?

Juli has asked me to crochet a hat and scarf set for her sister as an xmas gift, she'll buy the yarn and pay me for my trouble. I'll take whatever she feels inclined to give for the end product. I'd rather crochet for fun and then be surprised by the extra cash :) We went out today for lunch and got some yarn for her hat. She wants a simple sporty one to wear with one jacket she uses outside work.

I've never been one to really charge for my work. I always feel guilty for it somehow. I have made in upwards of $50 for a baby blanket, heh. But I don't typically even ask for near that amount for most things. Ah well, it's nice to be able to earn a little cash :)

That's it.. gotta get back to work, the AMEX bill still needs to be reconciled. Eep!

comments: 3 notions or Give me your thoughts

November 28th, 2004

Current Mood:	concerned
Subject:	A spooked Meeko
Time:	07:08 am

Something has spooked Meeko. She keeps investigating one area of the bedroom and bathroom. She cringes when I go to pet her and she doesn't see my hand coming to pet her. She even jumped from complete fright when I touched her without her seeing me... I don't know if this is from my journeying, which she slept through and was fine when I interacted with her before going to bed... or what exactly....

I shut her out of the bedroom until the wee hours and it was since that point she's behaved very, very strangely. She's still quite sweet, but very skittish and not exactly comfortable with the bathroom and the corner of the bedroom adjacent to the bathroom.

Hmmmm..... last night a nearly full moon, extremely negative energies for several hours and journeying... although things balanced (so I felt) after that. The kitty seems to think otherwise.

comments: 2 notions or Give me your thoughts

Current Music:	DC Talk, "Between You and Me"
Current Mood:	satisfied
Subject:	Busy night...
Time:	12:29 am

We are one
There is no turning back or walking away
That can tear us completely apart
To try to wrestle free is like holding your breath
Love indeed is stronger than the grave
.....
I saw you tonight.. lying there asleep... so vulnerable
Golden Eagle taught me how much we are entwined
I will tell how this was done... but only in private, if you want...
You are not alone and neither am I
Each has the other imbedded deep within the core of our being
.....
Snake circles within my belly...rising out through the navel. I was told I would give birth. (I do not know if this is metaphorical or literal, although first inclination is metaphorical -- but that could be my prejudice -- and I suspect that the timing of such an event is still far in the future.)
Butterflies flying in and out of my mouth.... all under the watchful eye of my Guide.
Golden Eagle showed me what it is like to have her eyes... to have her wings.
Hearts torn out and exchanged.... souls melding and morphing into another creature altogether.
Flight, astral travel (for lack of a better term) and descent.
More prodding at my affected side.... painless pecking at my eyes.... 'wake up!'
A promise to not take so long between visits.

comments: Give me your thoughts

November 27th, 2004

Ephemeral Musings

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