i really need to go to bed.

i got trapped in the men's bathroom at the little today. because people kept coming in, and i lost my nerve, and i couldn't leave. my mother said it served me right. i hate my mother.
no, i don't, but i do for that.

sleepyhead. cesar is trilling loud.
my wrist hurts.


i'm afraid.

cesar is licking maddie's ears.

em couldn't care if maddie lives or dies,

but that's miss kitty's baby
and cesar's baby sister.

i have a kitty family. cesar was just as upset as i was. he sat on my lap when i sat on the doorstep and called.

this morning when i remembered that i had left the front door wide open, all i did was yell, "are any of my cats out here?" and wait for cesar to come in.

maddie, of couse, being the satanic bitch-goddess that she is, realized that this was a SHITTY way to play hide-and-seek.

DUH! dude, dad, i was hiding under the BACK porch, in YOUR yard, not some house down the street. i hate you so, so very much.

then she ran into my arms, scratched me, and tried to escape before i could get her in the apartment.

for those of you who are not aware madigan kali eater of worlds shrieve miller hates you.
maddie hate you, and every one you've ever loved.

when you're that small, you have to have an attitude.
she is a midget.

and now she is having some lunch and dinner.
and she hates me.
she will resent me long into her adulthood.
there will be years of therapy.

i am in love with my tiny sexy cat.

oh, god, i'm so exhausted.
i have a headache.
and i want to cry.
THIS WAS NOT A BAD DAY.
GO LOOK FOR YOUR DAMN KITTEN, SMITTY.

by the way, maddie is gone.
i'm going out again to look for her,
but she doesn't call,
and she doesn't respond to my call.

this is my life.

"that's right. that's all i've been looking for all my life is a woman with clean nails."

colin powell must have a cold or something because his voice is behaving very strangely.

and he just said FIEFDOM! FIEFDOM!
that made my day. sorta.

i went to sue's. she fed me leftovers and milk and she and megan and i talked about megan's participation in government homework. then she took me home.
i love having this family so much.
my god i am lucky.

i just cleaned SO MUCH. for like two hours straight. and real stuff. putting things where they ought to be.


if you know my roommate, bobbyslick, this may intrigue you as it did me:

in the course of my cleaning of the cupboards and counters and such in the kitchen, i found in excess of a dozen half empty jars of peanut butter, belonging to chris. i just squeezed them into his cupboard. one day i'll probably go through them and wash them out/recycle them. but i tremble at the thought. i have one jar of peanut butter.
but then again, when i'm upset i throw away all of my food.

it's weird to hear david letterman asking grown-up questions.

my house looks much nicer. i am pleased. i dug through the pile of archaeological shit that is chris's desk and harvested a bunch of coke cans and miller lite bottles.

one weird thing, however:

i've become wildly preoccupied with recycling. today i ran across south avenue, into someone's yard to put my soda bottle in their recycling bin. my house is now full of piles of sorted, cleaned recyclables [ie: cardboard/paper, plastic, deposit returnables, plastic bags, paper bags, anything i can reuse], only i'm not recycling them. i'm just becoming a lunatic. i have four cats and piles of garbage around my house that i am "saving." help me.

i'm having emma's name changed to eudora squeakerton-cuddlebutt.
and i don't care what she has to say about it.

who is jermaine grier?

oooooooooooohhhgodno!1 i can't ahhhh!

you can't make me go to karate practice.
yes you can.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i'm so tired. i got home so late. oh, lord, no. oh, god. i cant;.
i have to get ready and leave NOW. AHHHHHHHHhh.

i just saw a pretty girl in a pink dress. i like pretty girls in pink dresses.
my friend frank is a pretty girl in a pink dress.
in a figurative sense.

the girl i just saw was literally a pretty girl in a pink dress.

i'm reading a book right now, and some irresponsible person has given riki wilchins waaaaaaaay too much space to write, so in order to get to the good stuff [no, of course, i can't skip the introduction], i have to wade through almost sixty pages of [interesting, well-constructed, boring, irritating] postmodernist gender theory.

if riki wilchins was here right now. i would stab hir with a fork. preferably in the eye, but zie is much taller than me, so that in unrealistic. but the fork is critical.

anyway, i've been spending too much time with riki wilchins, and i find myself saying things like, "i love my gender non-normative friend frank."
i hate riki wilchins.

i am almost done with that part of the book.
yay.

maddie is velcroed to me arm.

cough!!
cough!!!!!!!
i do not want to go to work.
i have to be productive now.

and i am bald.

life should be full of yes or no answers.

or

i should know the answer.

i think too much and then i want to vomit.
i don't want to go back to work tomorrow. i really don't. if i don't, though, i might never go back.
fuuuuuuuuhhhck.
yes, fuck.

here's a clue:

why do i pay a professional to cut my hair?
because i am very bad at doing it myself.

i eventually managed to get something decent, but it took a while, and it's not at all what i wanted. 1/8" in the back, 1/2" most other places. i have like seven cowlicks, and they were a friggin bitch and a half to manage.
bah.
and i looked at the vast amount of hair in the sink, and looked sad, and said, oh, my pretty, pretty, hair. i put it in a ziploc bag. i'm keeping it. it's too pretty.

emma's foot is velcroed to the window screen.
i'm not doing anything about it.
mahahahah.

i have to keep the lid of my toilet down, because my cats throw their toys in it.
the blue dye from one of them makes the water a lovely shade of tourquoise and the toy itself is disintegrating. and my kitties like that one.

i have bronchitis.
blergh. it's not that bad. i just have a big wet icky cough.
i was just going to ignore being sick. i've been doing it for two weeks. this was probably not my best move.
so i have amoxicillin.
and a hundred other things. i started topamax today.

cesar is here. he is beautful. and affectionate. he has enormous balls. i do not feel an urge to have him neutered at this point. i can wait until the next calendar year, so that i can get a voucher from the humane society. hurrah for cheap kitty kastration.
he's a good boy, though. not aggressive or inclined to spray.

they're talking about school closings for tomorrow. that is crazy. i live in rochester. my lips are dry.

ooh, i've been asked to participate in a tournament october 11. a super nifty kyokoshin instructor from greece wants me to break brick. i could do it. he taught me to break wood in about ten minutes. i'm amused. i want a trophy. ahahaha. i'll even have my orange belt by then, so i'll be all slick.
i'll still cry, but i'll be slick.

i've finished the collected grimm stories. i took me all of two months. how obnoxious. it was like 830 pages, but still. especially since the part i was most looking forward to was joseph campbell's folkloristic commentary starting page 831. it's so neat.

and they ended this tuesday's episode of the oc with mazzy star's "into dust."
the world is coming to an end.

hot on the box: Mazzy Star - Into Dust

i left my meds bottle capless on the coffee table, so when i woke up, they were everywhere.

i found all of the pills, so it's okay, but they're gelatin-based caplet things, and some bad little kitty chewed on daddy's medicine, so now three of the pills, or, one day's worth, are violently misshapen and covered in cat hair and other assorted lint.

it's not like i could wash them off, they melt.
yum.
fuck.

hot on the box: Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

yesterday was my forth sick day in a week.
neat. ahah!!!!
i like money, especially on sundays and hollidays.
i actually came in, too. and i worked friday and saturday with no problem.
i thought i was peachy.
then, like, seven thirty, no.
noooo.

my mother had to bring me clothes. past the produce back room, upstairs, into the employee bathroom.
my manager saw my sobbing in my underpants. hurrah.

so i just napped at my mom's for the rest of the morning/early afternoon.

i took her to see "a tree grows in brooklyn" at the dryden theater. there were many old people. because old people come to showings of 1946 films at 3:00 on a sunday afternoon. my mommy's birthday is wednesday, and i am poor right now, but i saw that this was playing, and i remembered that she really liked it.
i wouldn't even tell her what was playing when we got there. je m'amuse.

i'd never seen it before, but it rocked. francie nolan [or at least peggy ann garner] was fucking crazy. she was the worst part of the movie. the obligatory grad-student-giving-the-introduction was also wacky, but he had some interesting trivia. it's so weird and mean and sad that elia kazan explicitly cast james dunn as johnny nolan because he was a drunk and a failure.
it was very cool.
i could hear everyone behind us and in the balcony crying and laughing. i love the freakin dryden. yep. because where else can you take a girl to see family plot on a big screen? or grope said girl in a museum? hmmmmmmm?