Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tammy's LiveJournal:

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Monday, February 19th, 2001
10:46 pm	Today I had my first classes and NO ONE showed up! Oh well, I got paid for sitting on my ass for 5 hours. I did absolutely nothing during work, it was great. Oh, I did make a PA announcement which was scary because that was the first time I ever did it but I did fine. I'm sure no one was paying attention anyway. I went to a party after work. It was ok. Nothing big. We just hung out basically. We didn't have any drugs of alcohol so everyone was pretty much just mellow sitting around drinking faygo and whatnot. I did make out today, that was fun. That's always fun. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Steve Miller Band - Joker (1 Comment | Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2001
9:48 pm	I just scanned a bunch of pics, anyone want to see them? Just email me. Dragonlady123@aol.com I'll be happy to send them out. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 17th, 2001
7:58 pm	I got a great job today! I'm an art teacher. :) I teach a sculpting class at Michael's Arts and Crafts store. I also run the Kids Klub, plus I get paid $7/hour no matter what I'm doing. I get about $45-$75 a night for the birthday parties every weekend for the kids klub and I get how ever much I want to charge I get paid for the sculpting class. I am so happy. I've always wanted teach art & I always need money. :) Current Mood: happy Current Music: Mozart (1 Comment | Comment on this)
Friday, February 16th, 2001
11:34 pm	Life is so fucking complicated. Mine seems to get worse and worse everyday and nothing is ever resolved. Ok, here's what happened; This guy Derek Brown lives with me and has been living here since the beginning of January. My step cousins have also been up here for a while too helping my mom with the business my stepdad owned. After he died everything has been hell and it's so hard to run the business, my mom just couldn't do it. Well anyway, Derek came in my room last night at like 3:30 and was trembling and totally freaked out. He said Tammy I need to talk to you. I woke up and asked him what was wrong and he sat next to me and said your cousin is a freak! I asked him what happened and he told me he was laying there asleep and he felt something tugging "down stairs". He looked down half asleep and saw my cousins hand, who is a guy by the way, in his pants! He looked over at my cousin and he was sitting there staring at Derek. Derek quickly rolled over and he started rubbing on Derek's back. That's when Derek got up and ran to my room. I didn't know what to tell him. I was half asleep and freak out by the whole thing. I told him to sleep in my bed with me and this is my side of the bed, don't touch me and don't take my blanket and we'll figure it out in the morning. My step Aunt came in my room at about 4:30 and said Derek what are you doing in Tammy's bed? I don't think her mother would appreciate that. Derek told her what happened and she got really pissed and said come on, we're gonna talk to him right now. They went downstairs and talked to him and he denied the whole thing. I don't know what's gonna happen next. My aunt had to go out of town but when she comes back Monday she said she's gonna straighten things out. Ain't that some shit?? My life sucks dude. Anyway, on a happier note, I went to Subway today and this guy I kinda know works there. I used to have a huge crush on him back in like 9th grade but I never talked to him before. He talked to me last time I was in there so I guess he knew who I was. This time he talked to me a lot cause we were the only ones in there. On my way out I said bye Josh see ya next time and he said give me your number sometime, I hardly get to see you. I turned right around and said I'll give it to ya now. I gave him my number then left. I wonder if he'll call. I don't want a boyfriend but I haven't been on a date in a few weeks so it would be nice if I went out sometime. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Silverchair - Smelling Dead Roses (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 15th, 2001
11:39 pm	Man, fuck it all, fuck the world, and fuck all those wannabe punks that got to get into that Antiflag show and took my spot. The fucking tickets sold out. I didn't get to meet Justin, Mike and Zach didn't come. I ended up hanging out with some people I hardly know who hardly talked to me at some pizza place in Atlanta. Then I toked up and went to Waffle House then went to Steak and Shake. I was hungry. I am sooooooooooooooo fucking disappointed. I really was looking forward to that show. I did meet this cuttie named Zach up there. Last night when I wasonline I met him and he was my Valentine for the last 2 hours of the day. He's a cool guy. I am so tired right now. I think I'll go to bed now. Fuck you all later. >:) Current Mood: high Current Music: Damn Antiflag that I missed!!! (5 Comments | Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
9:27 pm	I haven't written in this a while. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I hate Valentine's Day. I really loathe it and everything about it. Anyways, I am sooooo excited about tomorrow. Everyone is going to be at that show, it's gonna kick ass. I finally get to meet Justin. :) My mom came home from the hospital last night (WaHoO!) I love my Mama, I'm glad she's better. Now I get a break from playing mommy so it's cool. I hate playing mommy. Ya know, you would think since I haven't written in a while I would have a lot to say but I don't really. The only thing exciting going on in my life is the concert so that's the only thing I have to talk about and it gets kind of repetitive. Oh, I know what I can talk about. I talked to Cory last night, my prom date. He wants to see me this weekend. I'll probably hang with him this Saturday. He said I can come over for guitar lessons but I think I'll make plans to go out somewhere with him so we don't end up like we did after the first "guitar lesson". Cory is fine and all and he's a good guy but I'm sorry, he can't kiss for shit. :) Oh well. I just want a cute guy on my arm on April 20th, 2001, prom night. He's a good friend though. Ok, I'm gonna shut up because if I keep talking I'll just start making less and less sense. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Nashville Pussy - I'm Misunderstood (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 10th, 2001
12:49 am	I had a pretty decent day today, not bad but not good, ya know? I didn't ride the bus today cause I hate the bus and Bobby was supposed to pick me up at 4:00 but he didn't get there till 5:30 so I sat by our gay little pond, I like it. :) I went grocery shopping because I'll be home alone till Tuesday and I needed to get supplies. :) I cant' wait till everyone leaves!! I love being home alone, I haven't got to be home alone for like a year and a half! My mom is in the hospital down in Florida so they're all going down there and they have to pick her up since her van is up here still. I didn't get to talk to Josh still. I called and his stupid phone is turned off! I called my other old best friend though and it was cool talking to her. I'm gonna go see her next time I go down to Florida. I get to meet Justin when I go to the Anti flag concert, I can't wait. Justin is a guy I met on the internet that lives in like Stone Mountain or somewhere up there eon the other side of Atlanta. He seems like a pretty cool guy and I've been wanting to meet him for a while. My kinda not real cousin Jesse is taking me to the concert and it'll be his first concert ever, it'll be so cool. I think he'll get along with Justin well cause they're both really deep people and they'll have a lot to talk about and plus they're both potheads. Bryan wore his hair down today. I love long hair on guys, it looks so good. I hate everyone chopping off all their hair and spiking it up, it's not cool. Bryan gave me a hug too which made me happy cause he doesn't normally do that unless I ask for a hug. He's not a very affectionate person so if you get a hug from him that's definitely a plus sign. I think I still have a thing for Bryan. It's probably just because he's the one that broke up with me and he's the first guy that ever broke up with me so I like to think that maybe he still likes me. I wonder a lot because he acts like he does sometimes just with the things he says and all when we talk. Well, I'm gonna get my ass to bed. Current Mood: content Current Music: AFI (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 8th, 2001
9:17 pm	I'm SLEEPY!!! I have homework, I hate homework. Damn Advanced American Lit. The highlight of my day was talking to Zack Gilbert. He had after school detention and I had chorus practice but we both skipped out and just talked for a long time. He's a cool guy, I'm glad I got to know him. Since he started going out with Kat he ditched all his friends so now his only friend is Mike Waldron. He talks to me a lot now. He talks to me more than Mike does. He's a lot nicer than Mike. I don't understand why everyone thinks he's a dick and why everyone hates him. Go figure. People suck. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Offspring (2 Comments | Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
10:16 pm	Last night I went to bed at 7, I got sooo much sleep!!! I love it. I was in such a good mood all day. I saw Jason today in the hall. I wanted so bad to go over to him and bitch him out but I didn't want to do it with Amanda there. That's the only part of my day that sucked. It feels so good to not be depressed. I just say fuck it all. :) I'm back on the prowl. I'm scouting out a couple guys. Let's see, first there's Steveo. Steveo is awesome. I never thought I would look at him as anything more than a friend when I met him but after getting to know him I kinda like him. He was there for me when my Grandma died. He gave me lots of hugs all day and he was really sweet cause he knew I was hurting. He got out of ISS today in first period and came all the way to the other side of the school to see me. He gave me a big hug. Anyway, then there's Mike of course. Mike is still on the mind. He's been talking to me a lot lately. He's so cute cause he gets all shy and stuff. Yesterday his buddy Zack wasn't at school so he hung out with me all day. Next, there's this guy named Trey who I always sit with on the bus and talk to at various times throughout the day. He's a sweetie. Then there's Ian. He's really really really fine and I know he'll never go for me but it's nice to think there's a chance. He's one of those guys that if he did ever seem interested then I know it would be just to get in my pants. He asked me to sit with him yesterday and keep him warm. I was happy. I know there's no way that'll ever happen but hey, he's still nice to look at. I don't think I've ever gone without a guy for more than a week in a couple years, that's pretty sad. There's always someone. There's never anyone on Valentine's day though which is why I loathe Valentine's Day but hey, what can ya do? I'm just looking forward to the day AFTER Valentine's Day because I'll be up at the Masquerade watching one of the best punk bands of all time - Anti-flag. It's gonna rock like Satan. :) I still haven't been able to get ahold of Josh yet. I think I'll go give it a try now. Current Mood: refreshed Current Music: Green Day - Blood, Sex, & Booze (2 Comments | Comment on this)
Monday, February 5th, 2001
9:57 pm	I have worked my ass off today. I didn't go to school because I don't want to face Jason and his NEW girlfriend so I stayed home. Depression is a good excuse, right? I went grocery shopping. I cleaned the whole house today, it's spotless. I made dinner tonight and dessert. I'll do anything to keep my mind busy, I don't want to think about him anymore. I think I'll go watch a movie. I think I'll watch the Labyrinth, I love that movie. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Anti-flag - What about the Lonely (Comment on this)
7:11 pm	I feel your lips I taste your skin I need to know I need to feel you from within as your blood burns through my skin I feel complete I breathe you in it's where you end and I begin if only I could stay here... forever so much to tell you so much to show you so much to confide now that I'm inside you we are flesh we are one so why do I feel so much guilt for what I've done? as your blood burns through my skin I feel release I breathe you in it's where you end and I begin if only I could stay here... forever so much to tell you so much to give you so much to confide now that I'm inside you so much to teach me so much to show me so much to give me so much to tell me Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Radiohead - Creep (Comment on this)
12:13 am	give me back my mind, I'm empty inside (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 4th, 2001
10:43 pm	I'm such an asshole god I'm such a stain I just keep fucking up again and again you crawled inside my mind when you crawled into my bed said everything I've ever longed to hear so perfect, so alive, once inside you sucked me dry you used me up and left me here for dead I crave it desperately, a cancer eating me an addiction too intense to be denied worthless, I'm a whore, crawling back for more it's pathetic how I feed off this abuse you told me that you love me and I believed you loved me but you swore that you loved me and I believed... now I know it was a lie Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Rollins Band - Liar (Comment on this)
10:30 pm	she's been here so many times before she can't remember when she last felt anything at all but this pain and anger she stares intently at the door, listens for his footsteps she knows exactly what's in store, and the knowing makes it worse when he calls her daddy's little girl, she doesn't hear him when he crushes her, she can't feel her screams are silent hides in the corners of her mind where she plays contently she leaves this nightmare far behind, she escapes inside her dreams floating high above her bed staring at her father's head wishing one of them were dead so this hell could finally end Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
8:22 pm	I went up to little five points today. I bought my prom dress it is SOOOOOOO cute!! It's so sleek and sexy. It's dark dark blue velvet. I bought it at throb. I went to Wal-mart too. I saw Jason there with Amanda....I guess now I know who the other girl is. It's bothers me but what can ya do, right? Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Violent Femmes (Comment on this)
12:00 am	Why does it have to be so freezing out here?? Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 3rd, 2001
11:34 pm	I only see myself reflected in your eyes so all that I believe I am essentially are lies and everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was died with your belief in me so who the hell am I? I'm wandering 'round confused wondering why i try the more that you deny my pain the more it intensifies... I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you... if you ignore that I'm alive I've nothing to cling to I stare into this mirror so tired of this life if only you would speak to me or cared if i'm alive once i swore i would die for you but i never meant like this I don't know if I'm real without you what is left of me without you? I don't know what's real without you HOW CAN I EXIST WITHOUT YOU? Current Mood: artistic Current Music: Stabbing Westward - Shame (Comment on this)
8:10 pm	Anyone wanna see a hottie with pink hair? Go to: http://www.livejournal.com/users/mikale Mikale is by far one of my HOTTEST friends. :) (6 Comments | Comment on this)
7:45 pm	He wasn't home when I called, oh well. I talked to my buddy Mike Yarber today and he said he saw Jason at the movies last night. Another girl perhaps? He said he didn't see him with anybody but who knows. What can I do anyway? It's not like we were dating exclusively or anything. But on the other hand, people shouldn't just stop calling all of a sudden without reason. Fuck it. Anyway, I'm going to see Anti-flag the 15th!!! I can't wait. I love Anti-flag and all but honestly I wouldn't be so siked if it weren't for the fact that there's a 99% chance that Mike Waldron will be there. Pitiful, huh? Actually I planned on going before Mike even knew about it and before Mike ever called me but the first thing Mike Waldron and I talked about the night he did call me was Anti-flag's coming to town. He's talked to me often since then. He asked to borrow my notebook from last semester with all my world history work in it and I told him I'd give it to him. I planned on looking through it first and getting all the shit about him out of there. There were all kinds of things about him in there. There was letters to him that were really mean that I never had the heart to give to him, there were notes between me and Allen that talked about him and STUPID little drawings that said shit like "Mike & Tammy". Well, I left it in my locker and when I was going to my locker Mike came up to me. I totally wasn't thinking straight. I couldn't even remember my combination. I gave him the notebook without even thinking as soon as I open my damn locker then he walked me to class. After he was out of sight I got my head out of the clouds and realized I gave him all that shit. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I asked for it back and told him I needed some stuff out of it and he said why? I already read it all and smiled. I'm sure my face was bright red at that point. How does he do it to me? Out of ALL the boys I've talked to why is he the only one that I get myself hung up on? I can hardly speak to him, I hate it. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Stabbing Westward - What do I have to do (Comment on this)
Friday, February 2nd, 2001
10:47 pm	I'm so cold. Jason hasn't called in a few days... : ( Oh well, the hell with him. Brandon came over. He kissed me. He's a good kisser and all but it was unexpected so that made it kind of weird and besides.... It's Brandon! Anyway, last night I was really bored and tired of everyone and everything around me so I decided to call someone I hadn't talked to in a LOOOONG time. I called Josh Smith, my first boyfriend. He lives down in Florida. I really didn't expect him to answer cause I haven't called in 5 years and I didn't think he would have the same number still. Well, he did answer. I didn't recognize his voice because the last time I talked to him he hadn't hit puberty quite yet so he was kinda squeaky. I asked for Josh and he said this is Josh, who's this? I told him this is Tammy, do you remember me? He said of course I remember you, I'm not stupid! It was cute. :) We talked for a while but he had a bunch of friends over so I let him go. It's rude to make guests wait. God, I had so much fun with him when I was little. He was my first date, my first REAL best friend, my first kiss, gave me my first rose, & the first boy I ever REALLY REALLY liked. He used to make me laugh so hard. Jim Carrey was his idle. Our first and only date was at the movies. We went to see Liar Liar at the $2 movie theater in Bellview. We ate lemonheads. I still have the ticket stub. :) I moved up to Georgia right after that date. I was so sad. He gave me this little music box before I left that played rock-a-bye baby and I played it every night before I went to sleep. He used to come over every weekend and I would still be asleep. I would wake up to the annoying music on my nintendo and I would open my eyes and see Josh sitting there playing. He used to call me sleeping beauty cause I slept a lot. There was this one tree we climbed all the time and once he got in trouble cause he said fuck to his little brother while we were up in the tree and his mom somehow heard him. She was a bitch anyway. When he was grounded I would go to his window and knock and he would open it up and let me in. My mom used to let him sleep over my house with me and he would tell his mom he was spending the night with Danny, my little brother. He used to wear these overalls all the time and my stepdad would make fun of him and call him Dennis the Menace. He had a wart on his finger too and I made fun of him a lot. Sooooo many memories.... I'm so glad I called him. What if I had waited like another couple of years and he DID change his number? Then how would I find him?? Do you have any clue how many fucking Josh Smiths there are in the world??? A million. None like him though. I used to watch Power Rangers with him and the Lion King, we loved the lion king. I think I'm gonna go try and call him again, I hope it's not too late... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: The Toadies - Possum Kingdom (Comment on this)