Sunday, July 1st, 2001

Subject: rant Time: 10:25 pm. Mood: lonely.

please let it be okay please let it be okay please let it be okay sometimes everything gets overwhelming...i feel like i've got to help everybody in the whole world, because i can see things that elude them; i'm frustrated. i don't know how to reach people, and i don't think that they want the comfort to come from me. somewhere, yes, but not me. i don't want it to come from me, either, but...well, that's all i've got. i need to change cds...i'd rather listen to nothing right now than the same fountains of wayne cd again. ugh. it's good, but two weeks or however long of the same thing is a long time, and i feel like i'm stealing it, anyway. it wasn't my find. my friend recommended it, and then bought it for me, and now i've betrayed her beyond repair, and, and... ..and that's it. it's not mine, i'm not mine; nothing is mine. i don't know what to do. or why to do it. or why i care...it's my curse. sorry. listen, i'm really sorry, about everything, to everybody. i know it's my fault, i know i've fucked it all up, and i don't deserve a second chance, because i'll just do it all again. but i regret it, and i'm sorry...that's me. and there is no take it or leave it...you're already gone. and i'm sorry.

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Subject: It fits. Time: 8:27 pm. Mood: tired.

I know you have a fucked up life Growing up in a stupid town Your mother was a mixed-up chick And your father he just fucked around A little too much for his own good I'd kill the bastard if I could I'd kill all the boys with their fucked up noise And all the bullshit they seem to enjoy In school Call you slut Nothing but What the fuck are they into Stupid fools Losers assholes suck all the luck Out of the world the world with you If I can get it back to you I will Kick their asses all over town All over town I'll turn it over I don't even know you that well What the hell summer spell What's it like Goin' out No-one knows what you're about Abused and used and cut in two The hollow man have nothing to do Laugh all the time try to get high And try to hide behind the lie They fucked your head up That's for sure Your heart is ripped now wrapped in fur But you know that sex is pretty insane And magic seems to kill the pain And the things that go on inside your brain Makes you seem to think that you're to blame Don't think about it Grow it out Love all and say it loud Fight the scumbags that slap you around Scream your crazy lost and found We don't have to tell you what is right We have all the faith it was not right Sadness is and sadness was And sadness will always be because Comfort comes around from the strangest of men I got no time for sad songs baby Don't need you to say I'm crazy Stick your tongue and you look at me And I will buy it obviously Push you down onto your knees Do you laugh away in sleaze You're not the only girl in town But you're the only one that's got me down Psychic hearts go out to you Psychic heart go round to you My prayer to you Is that you do all the things you set out to do And look your life the way you love But will you remember one thing for me I will always love you I will always love you

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Subject: nothing Time: 11:49 pm. Mood: blank. Music: fountains of wayne.

The swim banquet was tonight, and I got quite a few awards; it makes me feel good, like all I've done hasn't been in vain. It's good to get recognized, even though I tend to hang back in the shadows and let the superstars take all the credit, in everything. I feel alright. Diana's back in town, after 30 days in Costa Rica on a summer study, so hopefully I can hang out with her this weekend before I have to work on Monday. I've got half of next week off, though. Major down time, though I need the money. It's still all self-interest, though, and I realize that more now than ever. No exception...I wish it could be different. Sometimes people are just wrong. Sorry. I'm going to go to church in the morning...I haven't been in awhile. I hope I'll get something out of it. I miss it. I need assurance. Yeah, it's all about me, but, as I've said time and again, all relationships revolve around self-interest. Especially the one with the guy who can give me everything I can't get anywhere else. It makes too much sense. I want inspiration!!! Soon. I want to write beautiful songs and croon to all of the people that matter to me and all of the people that can't understand me and why I'm always so out of my mind. They just don't get it. THIS IS TOO LONG...what am I trying to do? Ha. Everybody has the same problems...the people I seek out are all like me, and nobody can help anybody else except through bs, but it's not real when you don't practice what you preach. Gets me through the night, though. I fucking want to be sad, and I want to have problems, and I want to be depressed. That's it. I need that, because I don't want problems to come up that I didn't initiate. I'M IN CONTROL, you hear me? SHUT UP, DUMBASS.

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Subject: shit yeah, it's cool Time: 11:22 pm. Mood: mellow. Music: coldplay.

I just fucked up my leg, so hopefully that'll score me some steroids and possibly amphetamines; it worked last time, at least, so I'm pulling out the aces. N*Sync's new song has me laughing...this is what I make of its central theme: "Do you ever wonder why this music gets you high Takes you for a ride Feel it when your body starts to rock And when you feel the beat you can't stop And the music's all you've got This must be...[POT]!" Yeah, it works. And no, those aren't all the right words...I just made something up. I don't remember (or know) the actual words. It's just funny if you consider the song to be referring to pot instead of to pop and all that it entails. Too much time on my hands, I know...I'm in a spaced-out mood. Do something crazy tonight. Just for the hell of it...you can tell your grandkids about it one day (or never tell anyone...fuck, I don't care). Sell out with Nike..."Just do it." Because...because why not? Screw conformity and bogus expectations. Screw your friends, too. Just for kicks.

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Subject: WHY Time: 12:09 am. Mood: numb.

i wonder if any of it is worth it. what's the point? if you don't love me, after all you've said and pretended to have done, then... then nobody does. and that's the ball game, folks.

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Subject: morning Time: 1:49 pm. Mood: irritated. Music: tripping daisy - "i got a girl".

Oh, the joys of sleeping from early morning to early afternoon-- 11 hours really did me some good. Now I'm all groggy and disconnected, though, so that's going to have to stop. I've got to get back into the 8 am cycle for tomorrow, because it'll be Monday and time to work again...ugh. I need something to do, something that's fun, something that'll distract me from all of this blah and thought and subsequent depression. I've still got a million thank you notes to write, even though graduation was almost a month ago, but I think I'm going to go to the pool today and just lie on a chair for a few hours. Maybe play some ping-pong with my brother or something. Who knows...weekends are my time to be free, so I'm going to live for the moment, damnit. Oh yeah: good morning, everybody. Hope your days are going well...have a super afternoon.

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Subject: blah Time: 1:22 am. Mood: lonely.

I feel really shitty right now. I desperately need someone to talk to, someone with whom I can be honest, someone that won't judge me or expect me to conform to their own warped standards. I don't think those kind of people exist in real life, at least not for me. It's like there's a carrot dangling from a stick in front of me-- I see so much supposed happiness around me, but I can't have any for myself... Life is shitty. I want out.

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Subject: charades Time: 12:24 am. Mood: annoyed. Music: fountains of wayne.

Spending time with those people makes me realize just how unlike them I am, and how unhappy and unfulfilled they leave me. These have been my friends, the people I hung out with when I left the house, throughout the entirety of high school. Why would I subject myself to that for four years? There's one girl here, just one, who is like me (at my school...I know of one other at another school, who's two years younger), and I can't stand her after awhile, and told her so. But maybe that's just because she reminds me so much of myself, and I can't stand myself...I don't know. But I certainly fucked that one over, and don't expect to get it back. Yeah, I lost. Next year, there's got to be something better...a group of people around which I can be myself, depression and all, and not have to worry about being socially acceptable and having shallow people talk behind my back about my shortcomings. It seems now that I don't care at all about what they think, because we're all leaving, and I won't have to see them, and they're not the only standards anymore. So fuck them. I don't know why I always go out with them anyway. I mean, it can be fun, but they're nothing like me. None of it means anything, and it never did. And I never thought to try to change it, because I never deserved that sort of thing. It would have been beneficial, and I'm not supposed to be happy or comfortable. I'm supposed to be miserable and alone, and I'm supposed to hide that fact from everybody else. That's me...that's all there is to me. And I'm empty. I don't know where it all came from, but hopefully next year all of these stigmas can be left behind-- yeah, right.

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Subject: boy oh boy! Time: 11:48 pm. Mood: flirty. Music: still fountains of wayne...i'm boring, i know..

Yes, it's true, I'm madly in love with Boy: boy: yeah......we should go get some frozen pleasures sometime me: lol, you make it sound forbidden, like we're doing something dirty..."frozen pleasures". we'll have to do that. me: :) boy: lol yeah emily.. boy: and who says getting a snow cone isnt naughty? i hope my mom doesnt find out me: yeah, don't worry, i won't tell...i'll have to tell all of my little girlfriends, though...i mean, they'll want to know what happened. me: heck yeah, girlies, i rounded second base with a frozen pleasure... me: they'll be all in a tizzy. boy: oh, "freeze and tell" huh?..... boy: :) me: shhh! ;) boy: lol me: plus, we'll be under the influence...those brain freezes are hardcore. so much for straightedge. boy: yeah, but we are HS grad rebellious kids....you know, the kind who go out and have a shake and drive? its unheard of me: don't say things like that! just because we changed to rebel against our collective image...heck no, we didn't sell out. we're the ones paying for it, right? so it can't be selling... boy: lol your too much for me......especially this late lol, that takes the cake emily....lol thats crackin me up, especially the "sell out " part......good call lol boy: ...oh boy me: sorry, man...it's a little late for me, too...you'll have to forgive my slips of the tongue...i suppose i'm not as restrained as usual, hehe. there's that influence again...whew. boy: such indecincies........and your not even frozen! MLE, you are going to have to wear a muzzle when we get iced me: haha, get iced...geez, it must be late. you're fearlessly leaping on the bandwagon, but there's nobody to drive it...we've both given in to the pressures promoting teenage angst in america today...we're all in trouble. boy: lol....i would drive but ya know, lol...my bandwagon only goes to the nearest Sno-Biz lol me: as long as it's got a radio, we're straight...well, not really straight, but we'll be chillin in the radio flyer... boy: hehe......all of this depth-of-humor is hurting my head....i think its time for bed........that rhymed!.....oh god, i need sleep me: yeah, i think we both need sleep. Okay, so "LOL" is annoying as shit...so what? I can deal. Late night makes everything okay, right? Some of the people I know are alright, after all.

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Subject: looking up Time: 10:37 pm. Mood: optimistic. Music: fountains of wayne - sink to the bottom.

Gator Times responded today; I've just got to let them know when I'm going to be in Gainesville, and I get an interview and the opportunity to officially file my application. This is going to be great-- I'm pumped about getting to write on the staff, plus getting some work experience in an influential field...things are definitely looking up. I haven't written about my current job yet-- I absolutely love the kids. Rebecca and Elizabeth are 10 and 13, respectively, and they're fascinating...they're so smart, and fun, and pure, and innocent; I love spending time with them. Plus, it's my first "real" job, and I'm getting work experience (not to mention money, which isn't bad at all), and I get to do all the fun stuff I wanted to do this summer anyway. To date, we've spent three half-days at the pool, gone to the park to eat lunch and play on the playground (for those of you that don't live here, that playground is incredible...really), gone to the library to check out stacks of quality reading material, gone to see Atlantis, and just chilled, watching tv and the like. I love it. I guess sometimes things are undeniably okay. And that, in itself, is okay. I'm learning. Now, if I can just get the boys together and write some songs, it'll be the perfect summer...I'm going to the drive-in with some of my friends tomorrow night, and I'm already looking forward to it. Man, just when I'm about to leave, things get good. So I'll make them good in Florida, despite the distance and the fact that I don't know anybody there (it's kind of like an arranged marriage), especially with my paper job in the works. Hooray. To whoever's lobbying in my favor here, thanks. Something's working on my side.

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Subject: life Time: 10:48 pm. Mood: relaxed. Music: fountains of wayne - "everything's ruined".

The West Wing is such a great show; that's going to be me one day. Want to here my scheme? No? Great. I'm going to go to the University of Florida and major in political science and public relations. Then I will go to graduate school (at Duke, I wish...I'll have to make some mad money and be awesome at everything in college; I'll actually get to go the second time around, maybe) and study something...I haven't decided what. I'll graduate and get a job on a local campaign, writing speeches and press releases for a year or two, then move on to the Congressional level, which will hopefully prompt notice from either a gubernatorial candidate or a prominent senator, for whom I will write speeches and/or handle press relations for quite a few years, before I ultimately move into a position to compete for White House level, preferably as press secretary, but perhaps as speechwriter or a senior communications official. That's my ideal...if I stall out at the state level, it'll be okay-- some governor will be a lot better off because of me. I'm down with that. I think it's really sad that one of the most popular songs out carries the message "You're better off if you don't ask why"...to me, that epitomizes all that is wrong in society today. They might as well put "Three Blind Mice" in rotation on TRL and on the radio stations-- "have you ever seen such a sight in your life?" I just applied for a position next year on the UF newspaper...well, it's an unofficial newspaper, but it's the main one. Hopefully they can give me some sort of work, and it's paid, so that's a bonus. It'd be nice to go down there knowing I've got a job lined up and some people who are going to have to get along with me. Friendly faces will be nice, especially if we're all writers. Taking "junior" year off to go to England might mess up my work there, but I think it'll be alright...maybe I can work out some sort of correspondence deal. The kids I'm working for are really nice; I had a good time with them today. I was really tired when I got home, and basically anxious all day, but now that the first one's down, I think it should get better. I enjoy them; they remind me of older people I know, and it's funny to try to bring that out or to see how they respond differently...it teaches me a lot about the people I know and have never really thought about too much. I've got to work at 8:30, so I'm going to bed; no, really, I know I said the same thing last night and didn't get to bed until 1, but I mean it this time. Sure thing, Em. Y'all take care...haha, being southern is so funny sometimes. Sorry to all of you that don't appreciate my colloquialisms. Everybody go to bed early tonight.

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Subject: as i pace... Time: 2:53 pm. Mood: anxious. Music: Presidents of the United States of America.

I am so incredibly nervous about tonight. Who am I to presume to be a baby-sitter? i've only done it once before, but this job sounds great, and I really need the money before I leave for school. I just hope they like me-- that would make it so much easier...I would feel a lot better about staying with them for the next 7 weeks. So I've got to be nice, and friendly, and the typical girl...I hate being girly! I let my hair dry on its own after practice, so it's all curly right now...maybe that'll be my own quiet rebellion as I conform to this sickening standard. I need the job, though...it'll be good for me. I've been worried about this all day, and it's only getting worse as my interview approaches; just be a girl, Em, just be a girl. Happy, outgoing, perky, peppy, friendly, a million other words with light connotations that end in "y." What a sellout. I swear, after I get done with this, I've got to be true to myself, even if it kills me, which it might well do...it's been far too long. Hold on...just try to hold on. I can't bear the thought of losing myself, and imagining that it might have already happened while I wasn't looking, smiling for the crowd. Please, no. I'll come back...don't give up.

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Subject: tonight Time: 12:06 am. Mood: restless. Music: elliott smith - "southern belle".

Tonight I had another swim meet, at Pinebrook-- they were supposed to be the ones to bring us down, but we all know that didn't happen. I got there too late for warm-ups, but I was still in the medley relay, and later cut 2 seconds off of my breaststroke time. That's the only stroke I care about, because that's the only one I have a chance at winning...I got second overall in breaststroke tonight. Of course, I still prefer soccer. Erin and I were watching the little kids as they prepared to start their races, and they were so cute with all of their Power Ranger-esque bodily contortions and exaggerated preparatory movements; I miss the days when everything and everyone was innocent, and we all lived for the moment and for simply being with each other, all connecting on a simple, painfully deep level. All of those what-ifs, could-have-beens, wish-I'ds...but that's gone now, so I've got to make the best of what's around, as the song says. And on top of everything, I got a job offer tonight. I'd been "looking" for a job, but hadn't done anything, and tonight this lady walks up to me, calls me by name, and asks me if I have or want to have a job. She'd like for me to babysit her two kids, 10 and 13 (ages, not names...social security hasn't gotten that far as of yet), five days a week, until they go back to school, which I believe is August 7th. I don't go until the 22nd, so that's good, and I don't have anything else to do this summer-- the kids swim, so I won't have to worry about missing practice or anything. I don't know if I'm cut out for babysitting, though...if I can't get my own life straight and figure out the inconsistencies between my actions and thoughts, how can I hope to set a positive example for two impressionable kids? Plus, I felt I was getting closer to knowing who I actually am and what I want, even though I have been slipping back towards depression and solitary confinement-- that's a price I'm willing to pay to actually get a chance to know myself. Sure, it'll be terrible, like it always has been before, but if that's me, I want to know it. I don't necessarily mind being terrible and hopeless...I just desperately long to be real. So I'm undecided about the babysitting job-- it's something to do, and it pays well (I could really use the money), but putting on a happy face for kids every day...it might be too much. But maybe it'll prepare me for forging a new path in college...who knows. I've got an interview with the lady and her kids tomorrow at 6:30, after practice. Wish me luck...I've got to figure out what I think about this. I figured out tonight that things would be a lot better if I wasn't so sullen and aloof all the time...why can't I just be friendly and nice? I don't know how to make conversation, that's why. I'll try, I promise. But I don't owe anything to anybody...don't think I'm making any sort of concession to all of you fuckers. My computer won't scan a picture and put it into a usable form...I've got to find a scanner somewhere and get a picture on here...it looks terribly lonely without one, but maybe that's fitting. It'll be soon. I'm afraid to leave a message in anyone's guestbook without a picture, even though I've got so much to say, and so much to offer (namely, friendship, empathy, and support)...I feel that I need to give of myself, because everyone else deserves it more than I ever will. But I'm afraid, before I get "cool" and upload a picture. I'll try to be soon. I'm going to go to bed early and try to read-- currently working on The Testament, which is rather different from Grisham's other novels...it's interesting. Please tell me what other good books you know of that I should read; next up on my summer reading list is Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States, which I've partially read, but I'd like to brush up before I head off to school; that's a good book. Please, say something...anybody.

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Subject: today Time: 10:33 pm. Mood: contemplative. Music: nirvana.

Standing in the doorway Of my life in this house Trying to find a way to get out Looking for a sign That I should open the door This craziness is getting me down But today is the day We break free Walking down the stairway To the traffic below Anything could happen I know But I'm sick of everybody Telling me what to do I hear you Hey but I already know And today is the day We break free It's clear in my mind After all of this time What I feel my love There are so many times That the sun doesn't shine But I'm here my love And today is the day Maybe I should wait Just a minute or two It's getting cold now I feel so insecure The future is a mistress That is so hard to please And the past Is a pebble in my shoe Poe...this is an unreleased song, so I've never heard it, but it fits me so well...I just had to record it here.

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