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Monday, May 3rd, 2004
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3:56 pm - Cut it out.
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I've slapped myself Nein Times and yet I cannot wake up.
Everything is changing so quickly in this dream.
This is so scary, I can't wake up.
But, then again, do I want to?
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Blur: Bank Holiday
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| Sunday, April 25th, 2004
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3:23 pm - The 18th Hole
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While copious amount of phun was had at Jess's party, I feel by writing about it, I will only lessen the jolity or present it in a totally inadequate light. Thus I shan't. However, the folowing observations should be made:
Both Jess and Lucy looked tres hott.
My cakes all got eaten.
Hannah's sister is the smallest person I know.
Babies and Grannies are good dancers.
Even if Ian is not drunk, he is a better dancer than Chris when drunk.
Hugh's Dad has a cool bow-tie.
Ian looks smooth in a dress shirt [minus stupid bow-tie and dinner jacket]
Ellie is hott and Abu is not.
Chris and TD are nasty people.
Lois can be a harsh bitch sometimes.
Robbie and Gill were getting it on.
Paul looked smooth with his hat.
Whoever thought that Ian was no fun when not drunk is an idiot- he was actually the most fun ever.
Apricot Stilton is actually really nice.
Carrot Cake is more popular than Chocolate Cake.
Hannah doesn't really live in Chipstead.
In Chiptead people drink coke out of brandy glasses.
I'm in love with Hannah.
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| Saturday, April 24th, 2004
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2:17 pm - Ian, if you're reading this...
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On Wednesday I think we should have a picnic at the Castle: I'll bake you cakes and meringues and bring strawberries and cream and we can wash it down with some refreshing ice tea. I promise I won't screw up this time and take you to a park that smells nasty or allow you only five minutes to drink a passionfruit granita.
Also I will remember to call you, instead of being a selfish bitch and forgetting, when you've been nice enough to invite me to the cinema and i've cruelly turned you down in order to satisfy my baking fetish.
When people ask me about me and you, and I seem pissed off/embarrassed, that is not the case at all...it just pisses me off when people say dumb things like "Oh you, didn't tell me you were going out with Ian!" as if for some reason the second you and I were going out I had to call them up and gain their approval.
Finally, whilst you're brother is tres cool, the fact he spends time polishing his trophies also makes him quite sad.
I know I could have just told you all this in an email or to your face, but I didn't want you to think that the fact i hardly ever write about you in my journal means you're not important to me, because you are. However, to prevent other people from knowing that I'm not always a heartless bitch, I'll privatize this in a few days...
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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10:44 am - Actually, I was planning to do something rash and unpredictable
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When I grow up I want to be a writer, philosopher and cult leader. In my spare time I'd like to work for MI5 and get a cleaning job at the House of Commons. Also I want to live in a converted garage space and have a cafe for homeless people in an allotment which grows pumpkins. I want to adopt two kids- twins, and I want to marry a Scot- who's a poet. And I want to have wild adventures in the Summer and meditate in the Winter...
I'm in love with my Mamma's artwork. I just found out my history. It makes me a little happy, very sad and I wish I could write about it. But who really cares? It's over now.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Roots Manuva: Dreamy Days
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| Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
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12:14 pm - So I guess we're more than just friends.
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He came round yesterday and kept my cousins amused with football tricks. And then I realised he wanted to be more than just friends, and I realised that I did too. It pleased me in many ways, but at the same time I could not help but feel scared. Scared that I might want this too much, scared that there were too many other people involved; Hannah,![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040509042253im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dawsmonkee , Vee, Benjy. I didn't think Robbie. I don't know why, perhaps I've got over him...perhaps He's made me get over him. Anyway, I told him that I need some time to think about it properly, in case I screw up. I feel so happy, yet so confused. I hope I say yes.
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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9:11 am - I sin every single day
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I couldn’t sleep last night. Well, more wouldn’t rather than couldn’t. Having declined offers of going to the pub and the cinema, and then deciding I didn’t really want to spend the evening with Oliver either, I found there was nothing that I could actually do except sleep. On several occasions I feel half-asleep in front of the television but when I actually clambered into bed, my eyes refused to shut.
The house was so quiet, so very –unbearably- quiet. I put on the media player and turned off the screen, as I was quite accustomed to doing lately, so that the gently hum of music would accompany the soft town lights which reflected on my bed cloths. Often I would thank God for giving me this nightly vision of urban bliss- even if it was in Redhill. The stars were dull tonight, who knows why.
I wouldn’t say that I was upset as such; in fact what upset me was the fact that I felt this inescapable sense of irritation with nothing in particular. I had been like this for a few months now- unable to sit for too long with any one person or group of people, unable to decide what I wanted to do [or, to put it crudely, who], and this general sense of annoyance at everything. This was unlike me, usually thing suit me fine. I had developed a very effective wall of apathy towards most things over the last year, but suddenly it began to crumble. I was becoming Jon-esque again and I knew what a bad idea that was.
It’s Jon’s birthday party Saturday night. I thought about that Bonsai tree I wanted to get him. I can’t think of Jon, I don’t know why. I probably won’t go. Ian has offered me transport from Alex and Jenny’s, and something tells me I’d get less hurt there. For some reason Ian is perhaps one of the few people who I can bear to be around at the moment. I don’t know why. It’s nothing to do with the obvious. One of the only thing that doesn’t annoy me at the moment is that fact that he and Vee are going out. If anyone deserves her, it’s him- despite what anyone else might say.
I wanted to call Ian and ask him about Daws, but then I remembered that my problems aren’t his. I can’t understand why I turned down Daws. In fact I can’t seem to understand anything at the moment. All I know is that something is telling me that if I went through with this I’d be hurting both of us. I just wish I could handle this better. My eyelids are heavy, but I can’t sleep. I don’t know why.
I wish I could talk to Robbie.
current mood: I don't know
current music: Coldplay: We Never Change
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| Tuesday, February 31st, 2004
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10:11 am - Test
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Testing, Testing,1,2,3...
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| Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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9:43 pm - I will update properly soon I promise
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Lets just say that the Suda>eyes>brain>hormones>disaster things a bit weird at the moment
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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10:36 pm - New Shoes Song
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I remember waking up in a dream,
One in which I'm perfectly dead.
Walking towards the light that was seen,
As the dusty tombstones lay ahead.
They burst the bubble, I started to fall
But you weren't there to hear my call
Oh God I keep imagining I exist
But I can't resist staying awake for eternity.
The earth is colder than it is meant to be.
My shoes are new, they need breaking in
Voices, voices whispering
Jesus, Jesus let me stay
But I wake and find a lonely new day.
I forgot whether it was a prayer or a dream. I want him back. Please let me have him back soon. Please?
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
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4:10 pm - Why do they ride me?
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I got the letter from Cambridge.
It's the typical good news-bad news situation whereby Pembroke have decided to pool me.
Aaaaaah! More interviews, more waiting.
Well, it could be worse.
current mood:  anxious
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| Saturday, December 20th, 2003
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3:07 pm - Aluminium Pancakes
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| Monday, November 10th, 2003
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11:17 pm - Teach me to row my boat...down the river, down the stream, back to my bath tub and into the sea.
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For some strange reason, I just sorted my life out. More over-worked than I've ever been in my life...yet for some reason totally stress free.
Oh when it is Summer, all this would have died.
I don't want to go away, I like it here.
Come to my garden and sip on tea. For the rosy apple-blossoms will never fall around you. We'll take them to the kitchen and I'll make you some sweet juice and perhaps bake a pie. Sleep in the hammock, I'll never wake you up, but tuck you in and kiss you goodnight.
Goodnight
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| Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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8:29 pm - So it happened….
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There was something oddly tender about it, despite the vulgar circumstances which led to its occurrence.
There was something oddly knowing about it despite the fact we had known each other a mere four hours.
There was something oddly disturbing about it despite there being less than a year between us which made me feel he was far too young.
There was something normal about it, something normally me….
Something which said ‘I’m sorry to use you…’
Something which said ‘I’m sorry, we’re both drunk’
Something which said ‘I’m sorry, but you’re just the substitute for the someone I want.’
Something which said ‘I’m sorry, you’re too decent for this.’
Something which said ‘I’m sorry, I must go now’
...'I’m sorry, I can’t stay the night.'
...'I’m sorry, that I kissed you.'
...'I’m sorry, go to bed.'
It was my mistake to make
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003
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8:30 pm
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n u m b e r-
of times i have had my heart broken?: never, i used to think loads of times, but I don't think I have a heart.
of boys i have kissed? : none that I wish to rememebr, but a few
of girls i have kissed? : one
of times i have moved? : if that refers to house, then 13
of tight friends? : 0.5[I'd trust Banks with my life, but I don't know if he feels the same way about me.]
of cd's that i own? : quite a few
of scars on my body? : several
of things in my past that i regret? : everything
current mood: innumerate
current music: Martin Grech- Push
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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12:00 am - Remarque Remarks [Freudean Slight Return]
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Okay, so this is the weirdest/most memorable/scariest dream I've ever had.
Abinger is grown up, but with black hair. He is sitting in a black leather chair. I am lying on a examination bed with the blanket over me like I normally do, but instead of having a check-up, he's going to psychoanalyse me. I think. Abinger has a mask over his face -a bit like the Hannibal mask, but there's no grill. Under the blanket I'm wrapped like a mummy in bandages. There is a bar [like the safety bars on rollercoasters] over my stomach. I can smell coffee.
'So I said that it looked like fun and he agreed.' I told Abinger about Vlad, and how I thought it was quite funny.
'And he found it funny too?' Abinger can't seem to see the humour and I remember being quite scared because I couldn't see if Abinger was happy or sad.
'Yes, in fact he thought of the name.'
'Oh right, and that made you laugh?'
'Yes.'
'So what do you think that means?'
'Nothing, I laugh all the time, it was quite funny you know.'
'I don't find it funny.'
'Maybe you had to be there.'
'Maybe it's him you find funny.'
'I do find him funny.'
'So what do you think that means?'
'It mean's he's funny.'
'Hmph.'
I can feel one of the bandages unraveling and I wriggle my toes to try and loosen the grip they have on me a little more. Abinger goes out and leaves me alone. It's dark. And the bandages stop unraveling.
'Abinger! What's going on?' No answer. And then words start to flash up on the ceiling.
TELL ME ABOUT HIM
'There's nothing to tell'
TELL THE TRUTH!
'About what?'
ABOUT HIM...DO YOU LOVE HIM?
'Oh God no! We're just friends, I don't even fancy him.'
TELL THE TRUTH!
'I am'
TELL THE TRUTH!
'I am'
TELL THE TRUTH!
The bandages are getting tighter and tighter
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
I start crying, but shake my hair over my face.
'YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LOVE HIM!!!'
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
TELL THE TRUTH!
'OKAY! I might do! I don't know!' The bandages begin to unravel again until they have come off completely. But I realise that the blanket has gone too and that I am completely naked. I quickly jump up and run for the door, but it is locked. It is dark and cold.
current mood:  awake
current music: warm breath upon my cheek
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| Sunday, October 5th, 2003
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10:31 am - Remedial Works
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I slept very little last night. Having got home, I felt so empty and apathetic, that I thought the only decent thing to do would be to go to bed. Looking through the gap in the window, my eyes screwed up, desperately trying to look for a glimmer of moonlight.
It was once said that if you look into the Sun you’ll become blind, but it you look into the moon you’ll become a poet.
The midnight bells droned and not long afterwards I heard my parent’s bedroom light switch off. I stole out of my room and into the upper extension. It was freezing and floor was all sandy. I went back to get a blanket and some clothes and the candle that had broken my heart. It grew colder.
( Read more... )
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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11:23 pm - What goes: Haha Bonk?
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I suggested to Robbie that he grow a beard, shave it off, bottle it and sell it as 'Ginger Beard.' Oh God I'm funny!
I also need some sleep
Goodnight my sweet
xxx
zzz
By the way the answer is: A man laughing his head off.
current mood:  crazy
current music: Ed Harcourt; Apple of my Eye
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| Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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10:03 pm - Deep desires drowning in puddles
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When we don't know what we want:
'I love you really'
Well, no, I mean not in that way
Just as someone I know, or like being with, or maybe not even that.
I mean do I know you?
Oh help! I'm sorry! I hate you!
I didn't mean it.
We're friends right?
That's really harsh
That's really funny
Shall we go then?
You know how I love you?
Er! Who'd wanna be with you?
You're just you...
I think.
If this is all, why do I think about you so much?
We all know better that to trust our emotions, but for some reason we give into them...time and time again
current mood:  confused
current music: Muse: Space Dementia
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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8:32 pm - Closing time
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An encounter with Serendipty
Me: What is that key?
S: Well you found it, you tell me.
Me: I don't know.
S: Well why don't you use it to unlock something?
Me: What?
S: your heart?
Me: No, it's too cold.
S: Your mind?
Me: No it's too scary.
S: How do you know if you haven't opened it?
Me: I don't, I guess I don't want to take that risk.
S: Well why did you open your mouth then?
Me: I shouldn't have,should I?
S: You tell me.
Me: No, I shouldn't. I think it's closing time.
S:under his breath I don't believed it was opened properly anyway.
Fade Out
current music: Turin Brakes: By TV light
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| Sunday, August 31st, 2003
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12:00 am - Repeating Rifle
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I just wish that there'd be something else in my head other than him.
Why does he do this to me? We're not allowed, yet he seems to revel in the lingering aftermath and watching me melt at his feet.
I wish he could come to the magic theater and sing me a Cornellian lullaby
I want to float In a driftwood boat,
In a ruby sea
Dream of me.
My seams are splitting
You're hitting My heart-strings
Your beautiful voice sings Me to sleep
Let me keep You forever.
Please
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