(2004-05-11) -- The so-called 'Arab Street' erupted in rage and grief today, as devoted Muslims crowded into public squares by the hundreds of thousands, in dozens of cities, to denounce the brutal videotaped beheading of American Nicholas Berg by Muslim extremists affiliated with Al Qaeda.

"This is an outrageous, disgusting and obscene act of evil done in the name of our peaceful religion and in our own backyard," said one unnamed Muslim cleric in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. "We mourn with Mr. Berg's family at this horrible loss. We renounce not only this act of violence, but all acts of terror."

The governments of all Arab League nations made a joint statement condemning the slaughter of Mr. Berg, and committing $100 billion toward the elimination of Al Qaeda and other Muslim terror groups.

"We pledge money, troops and intelligence resources in an all-out effort to end this scourge," the Arab league statement declared. "We apologize for our past failures to rein-in or arrest extremists in our ranks. As of today, we are turning the tables on the terrorists. Now, it's their turn to be afraid."

(2004-05-11) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld should resign immediately to demonstrate to the global community how the American justice system works, according to Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry.

"Our system of justice says that a man is innocent until drummed out of office through the outcry of his political opponents," said Mr. Kerry. "Our troops are fighting and dying so that someday Iraqis and Afghanis will enjoy that kind of justice, unhindered by the grinding cogs of so-called 'due process of law'."

Mr. Kerry added that when he becomes president, he'll fire any cabinet member who won't quit after his political opponents call for his resignation.

"The world is watching us," said Mr. Kerry. "We must demonstrate that, in a free nation, justice is blind and deaf."

(2004-05-10) -- Photographs of alleged hazing of inmates in Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison by U.S. military personnel and contractors constitute "works of art, protected as free speech," according to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry.

"These photos dramatically symbolize the often hopeless struggle of oppressed proletarians against the military-industrial complex," said an unnamed ACLU spokesman. "If these pictures had been taken in the United States, they would be praised by the critics and go on a nationwide museum tour funded by the National Endowment for the Arts."

Democrat president hopeful John Forbes Kerry agreed that the photographers were "simply expressing their opinions about the war."

"Whether it's throwing one's war medals on the White House lawn, burning an American flag or taking photos of frightened prisoners," said Mr. Kerry, "it's all protected speech. Who are we to judge how another person chooses to express himself or herself."

(2004-05-09) -- In a move designed to prevent future enemy attacks, the city councils of Washington D.C. and New York City today unanimously approved resolutions declaring both metropolitan areas "Muslim holy cities like Najaf, Kufa and Karbala in Iraq."

The idea for the designation came after weeks of media reports indicating that U.S.-led Coalition forces are reluctant to arrest or retaliate against alleged-murderer and militant Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr because he hides in Najaf, a Muslim holy city.

"If we had realized that being a Muslim holy city puts you off limits for attack, 9/11 would never have happened," said the city councils in a rare joint-resolution. "We encourage other major American cities to follow our example and change their official designations from 'soft target' to 'Muslim holy city'."

(2004-05-08) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today officially halted the recruitment of humans to serve in the U.S. military. The action comes in the wake of the Defense Secretary's Congressional testimony about abuses at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison.

"It's clear to me now that the risks of using humans as military personnel outweigh the potential benefits," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "Just like any other obsolete weapons system, this one is cancelled."

Previously, the Pentagon had followed a policy of criminal prosecution for those who committed illegal acts, but attacks by critics, and other Democrats, have convinced the Bush administration that this system is "antiquated."

"Courts martial and other disciplinary measures are dependent upon previous wrongdoing, and by then it's too late," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "Since humans are predisposed to making bad--and even evil--decisions, we need to eliminate them from the process."

(2004-05-07) -- Democrat presidential hopeful, and Vietnam veteran, John Forbes Kerry today said President George Bush is "not fit to be disgusted" at photos of U.S. military prison guards hazing Iraqi prisoners.

The president recently granted two interviews with Arab-language TV networks, telling reporters that he found the actions of the prison guards to be "abhorrent."

But Mr. Kerry immediately held a news conference to challenge the president's credibility on the issue.

"While I was commanding a swift boat in the Mekong Delta, George Bush stayed stateside with the National Guard," said Mr. Kerry. "He never had an opportunity to commit atrocities against the enemy, like I did, so he's not fit to judge the abuses in Abu Ghraib prison. America needs a commander in chief who knows the harsh reality of war and man's inhumanity to man…the darkness that lurks in the soul of even the most cultured, erudite and refined among us."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Senator Kerry is entitled to his opinion. I think the president was simply reacting to the photos the same way most Americans did."

A spokesman for the Kerry campaign said Mr. McClellan's remarks represent another example of "Bush's right-wing attack dogs questioning Senator Kerry's patriotism."

Later, when asked by a reporter on his campaign plane what he thought when he first saw the prisoner-abuse photos, Mr. Kerry said, "I was disgusted. They were abhorrent."

(2004-05-05) -- Disney Corporation today announced that it would allow its Miramax subsidiary to release a movie by Oscar-winning documentarist Michael Moore after making some "stylistic changes."

The announcement follows previous news that Disney would prevent Miramax from releasing 'Fahreinheit 911', reportedly due to its portrayal of President George Bush.

"Disney avoids highly-charged political movies," said an unnamed company spokesman. "But with a few tweaks, Mr. Moore's movie has been made to fit the Disney mold."

The newly-revised Michael Moore film is "an animated classic-- with the edginess of Mr. Moore's 'Roger and Me' and yet the whimsical style which has made Disney synonymous with family entertainment."

The new title for the movie is George and the Giant Peach.

(2004-05-04) -- The United Nations Security Council today voted to threaten the use of force against the United States of America unless it could prove that U.S. troops have stopped abusing Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison.

"Let it never be said that this world body stood idly by as prisoners were subjected to humiliation and injury," said former French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man). "As the global defender of human rights, the U.N. is obligated to step in and protect the helpless innocents in Abu Ghraib."

Mr. de Villepin said the U.N. would assemble a multilateral coalition consisting of troops from every nation on earth, under French command, to ensure that the United States "verifiably complies with the letter and the spirit of the resolution."

(2004-05-04) -- Concerned that Americans do not yet know Sen. John Forbes Kerry, his presidential campaign has launched a $25 million TV advertising burst which reveals that the candidate served in the Navy during the Vietnam war.

The ad campaign, called A Lifetime of Talking About a Few Months in the Service, focuses on a little-known chapter in Mr. Kerry's life, his four months as a swift boat commander in Vietnam.

"While most voters are familiar with Kerry's sterling record of legislative achievement as a leader in the Senate," said an unnamed spokesman, "they're surprised to discover that he actually served during wartime."

The source said that the story of Mr. Kerry's Vietnam service has been "suppressed by the right-wing attack machine."

"The $25 million ad buy is just another example of Sen. Kerry's commitment to service," said the unnamed source. "No anti-war candidate has ever spent so much of his fellow Americans' money to convince them that he was a war hero. That's how much service means to John Kerry."

(2004-05-04) -- Seven U.S. military personnel who held supervisor positions at the now-infamous Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq have been reprimanded by their commanding officer and sentenced to "pledge a college fraternity" for their role in mismanaging the prison.

"Although these supervisors didn't commit any crimes, they should have known that their subordinates were hazing the prisoners," said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. "The punishment--one semester as a college fraternity pledge--will allow them to experience the kind of humiliation which some Iraqi prisoners endured."

Although most fraternities have eliminated hazing from their pledge programs, the Pentagon has located one primitive Greek society, Delta Upsilon Mu, which still subjects pledges to ridicule, stripping and blind-folded simulations of life-threatening situations.

(2004-05-03) -- Just hours before a group of Vietnam vets are scheduled to publicly declare Sen. John Forbes Kerry unfit to be Commander in Chief, another group of veterans has come out strongly in support of Mr. Kerry's presidential candidacy.

Vets Who Committed Atrocities in Vietnam (VWCAIV) today endorsed Mr. Kerry, calling him "the only candidate who's fit to fight terrorism because he thinks like a terrorist."

"Like us, Mr. Kerry has acknowledged committing atrocities in Vietnam," said the unnamed spokesman for VWCAIV. "That's the kind of toughness we need in the next Commander in Chief."

The anonymous VWCAIV spokesman actually released his statement through an unnamed aide to the Kerry campaign. The group's membership list remains as top-secret today as it was in 1971 when a young John Forbes Kerry first revealed the atrocities in testimony before the U.S. Senate.

(2004-05-02) -- As Sen. John Forbes Kerry struggles to find a theme for his presidential campaign, former Democrat presidential candidate Al Gore today offered his suggestion--The Theme from Love Story.

According to a report in The New York Times, Mr. Kerry has been through at least six different themes, none of which have "caught fire" with the American public.

Mr. Gore said, "It's important that any campaign theme has universal appeal which crosses ideological boundaries. As most voters will recall, the main character in the novel "Love Story" was based on me. And even though that was way back in the days when I was trying to convince someone to invent the Internet, The Theme from Love Story is a timeless classic."

Mr. Kerry, who according to his campaign co-chair is so "thoughtful" that "it takes him a while to say things" responded to Mr. Gore's suggestion by saying, "Where do I begin..."

A Kerry spokesman promised a more complete response in the coming days.

(2004-05-01) -- The officially-Muslim Nigerian state of Zamfara today begins its celebration of "church demolition month."

"It is the holiest month of the year," said Zamfara's Governor Ahmed Sani. "Islamic families will gather together around Christian churches, Jewish synagogues and other non-Islamic houses of worship to raze them, not leaving one stone upon another. It is a joyful time for all true believers...especially the children."

The governor noted that under the Islamic law, called Sharia, Muslims are obligated to carry out such ceremonies.

"There will be jubilation in the streets as the cross of Christ is consumed in flame, the baptismal pools filled with rubble and the synagogues shattered to splinters," he said with a gentle smile and a tear in his eye. "It's the most wonderful time of the year. I look forward to the day when all the earth lives under Sharia so others may share my joy."

(2004-04-30) -- ABC-TV journalist Ted Koppel, who caused a firestorm of controversy with his plan to read the names of U.S. troops killed in Iraq, today announced that in the interest of balance and fairness next week he will read another list on his show, Nightline.

"I would never want anyone to accuse me of bias. After all, I'm a journalist, devoted to accurately portraying world events," said Mr. Koppel. "So, next week I will read the list of Iraqis who were raped, tortured and killed by Saddam Hussein's regime after President George H.W. Bush declared victory in the Gulf War on February 28, 1991."

Mr. Koppel said next week's Nightline will be a "special extended episode starting Friday and running non-stop until the day I retire from ABC."