starkitten's LiveJournal

Subject:	the peaches were rotten
Time:	3:48 pm.
Mood:	uncomfortable.
Music:	loud rabbit mouth.

of course the first time that i post in months is when i have some sort of little crisis.
a pathetic one at that, up late and alone listening to melancholy music and clutching
safety pins while i wait for a boy to call. ha!

well here i am again, up in the whitewalled rooms of a brickbox house. it's a cicada
summer. i keep waiting to find an empty husk. then i can use its brittle little legs and
hook it onto my shoulder. oh look! what a lovely brooch my dear. wah.

i keep on saying that i need to get another tattoo. or two. and yes they are lovely but
i am starting to wonder is it because my scars always fade with time? last night when i
was unbending the curves of a safety pin i put a hand to my breast and pictured slashing
two lines, in an x, across the three-legged spiral that covers my heart. just a second i
thought this, about the open edges lying ragged across my chest.

i should never write about such things. it just makes me want it more. oh but my life is
perfect, dear. i

ha i wrote that line and then i froze my head filled with the empty roar of the vents and
felt swollen with the buzzing, stagnant heat of summer o sometimes my head is so full

as much as i try to convince myself of one or the other i am NOT crazy. NOR am i sane.

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Subject:	excerpt
Time:	8:07 pm.
Mood:	weird.
Music:	"three peaches," neutral milk hotel (on avery island).

"your alive and your in the bathroom carving holiday designs into yourself
hoping noone would find you but they found you and you somehow survived"

there are triggers everywhere
and often they sneak up... before I know it
I am plotting how I can do it & not be
found out, how i will do it, where and
what shape, overwhelmed by the desire for
whole minutes before I realize what
I am thinking -- and sometimes
it stays with me for days.
I am writing now to dispel this
desire but it isn't working (in the
bacground as I write I am
thinking: o a couple weeks before i see
Shareef, it'll heal . still thinking . o a
star a snowflake or just some straight,
ragged lines.) jesus.

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Subject:	ah, my weekend... you know you want to know.
Time:	6:12 am.
Mood:	lonely.
Music:	"another great champion sought, thought, ..." detachment kit.

so i haven't written over the past few days 'cause shareef was here.
yummy. :)

on friday night jon v ziemba slept over after an evening of hard lemonade- and tequila-drinking, indian music-video watching, and general disorder.
then me an him an james and some a-zone anarchists (sorry chris!) went to an indian restaurant and got aloo palak and nan and it was extremely tasty.
james and this girl (i froggot her name but she's in that really noisy, useless band 'platter of cakes') swore a lot in the "family room" of the restaurant and many parents put their hands over their childrens' ears.
then i got dropped off at my house and about 10 minutes later shareef got there. ooh. what happened next was nice...
after that we went to the unbound books show. the coughs played. seth rocked out on the trombone. james wore a repulsive dress. anya screamed really loud. it was cool.
then me an reef hung out at kate's apartment for a little while. the pets all had sex. evil bob (the bunny) humped henry (the dog), then henry quite improbably attempted to mount ratley (a.k.a. kilgore trout. he's the rat). it was amusing, but slightly disturbing.
on the way home from kate's, about a block east of western, on howard, we were waved over by police for a "routine safety check". it seemed really sketchy, but all they did was look at reef's license and proof of insurance, then sent us on our merry way.

the next day i took shareef down to belmont. i bought tube socks and we got cool shirts at strange cargo: a skeletor shirt for me, a star destroyer shirt for him, and a nintendo power shirt to send to derek.
we bought a book for abe at chicago comics.
we went to army surplus to get my shoes again, the bluenewbalances i've had for the past 5 years (until i lost 'em last semester), and they were out! and they aren't getting anymore... this doesn't make me sad, but it does make me frowny, slightly disappointed-ish.
that evening i felt really sick, and we almost got in a fight, but then i started feeling better and shareef sat with me while i ate some dinner (he had already eaten with my ma whilst i was lying up in bed half-asleep and feeling all nauseous for several hours), and then we went to the anniversary show.
it was lurvely.
we came home around 12 or 12.30, and then i made pots de creme au chocolat and we ate it while watching the fifth element (absurd) with my ma. she even stayed awake for the whole movie!

on monday we slept in til 2. he left about an hour or two later.

it's alright, but i miss living with him. it's so good falling asleep and waking up with him. so good. and he hung out with my ma and they seemed to get along really well, they even hung some when i wasn't around and they were all comfortable and companionable with eachother, which makes me really, really happy.
we just coexist so well. dammit.
o well. i suppose he'll be back up. i mean, i know he will. i guess as long as the time until i see him again isn't too long, it's okay, but i'd much rather be with him then without. at any given time, pretty much.

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Subject:	mwah ha ha...
Time:	5:45 am.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	"dead angels make slow sound," the detachment kit.

NAME 4 BAD HABITS YOU HAVE:
cracking my knuckles
swearing
spitting
not wearing my glasses

PEOPLE CURRENTLY ON YOUR BAD SIDE:
sara, i guess

SCENTS YOU LOVE:
basil
good food cooking
shareef
derek
cranberry island

NAME 4 THINGS YOU'D NEVER WEAR:
flipflops
uh... i dunno what else. sorry.

NAME 4 DRINKS YOU REGULARLY DRINK:
coke
vodka
water
apple juice

NAME 4 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF:
i used to wash my barbies' hair with toothpaste
i bought my cat star from a bum in an alley for $18
there's 14 years between me an my brother (and he's not a step- or a half- or nothin)
i want some cheese right now

NAME 4 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY:
my brother's name is tommaso garibaldi lesnick
my sister is 27
my ma once saw dustin hoffman in an off-off-off-broadway show about magic mushrooms. it was called "eh?"
my daddy lives in alabamy

FOUR THINGS YOU WOULD EAT ON THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE:
gelato
something my ma cooked
feathery fudge cake
just about anything from campagnola

FOUR CDS FROM YOUR COLLECTION THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF:
wish - the cure
add it up -violent femmes
your majesty - the anniversary
party music - the coup

FOUR CELEBRITIES YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH:
angelina jolie
steven dorff
maynard james keenan
adrian pope

FOUR VACATIONS YOU HAVE TAKEN:
u.s. virgin islands
norway
italy
the everglades

FOUR THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
an instrument
film
norwegian
how to be a tattoo artist

FOUR PLACES TO GO IN YOUR AREA:
garcia's
cafe express
IHOP
thai pepper's

FOUR THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED:
read
watch movies
masturbate
sleep

FOUR THINGS THAT NEVER FAIL TO CHEER YOU UP:
shareef
boys don't cry (the song, not the movie)
my cats
boy am i lame

NINE THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY:
lip ring
leather bracelet from florence
shareef-boxers bracelet
duct tape bracelet
a shirt
...that's about all that's guaranteed

MOVIES YOU'D WATCH OVER AND OVER:
princess bride
the crow
labyrinth
dark crystal
ghost dog
iron giant

SIX OBJECTS YOU TOUCH EVERYDAY
door handle
toilet
pills
cigarettes
the cats
me!

FIVE THINGS YOU DO EVERYDAY:
breath
sing
eat
sleep
take my meds

FOUR BANDS YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
the cure
nine inch nails
modest mouse
tool

FAVORITE SONGS AT THIS MOMENT:
yeah right. like i could answer this.

PEOPLE THAT HAVE INFLUENCED YOUR LIFE THE MOST:
mom
maso
jane
kate
reef

ONE THING YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH:
reef

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Subject:	halloo!
Time:	4:30 am.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	"to never die young," the anniversary (in my head).

so... very sheepishly i come back to the livejournal community. oh so sheepishly (hehe typing that is funny -- it keeps coming out "sheepishshly" or "seepissly" and ridunkulous things like that). it's been a while, eh? i guess living with somebody and not really having late-night-insomnia time to myself has kept me from it. i'm not complaining, but i have missed it.
and now i am back home (25% done with college, yeehaw!) and my slepe cycles are all screwy and here it s 5.30 in the marnin and i am oh-so-awake, yes indeedy.

ooh -- just looked out the window and the sky is all peach-colored and bleached-looking. there are magpies and a crow outside, i can hear them.

shuttup! little birdies, what are you doing up so early?

so, my friends, an update? o yes indeed, here is my life as of NOW:
*4 days back home so far. no job yet.
*in the next few weeks i hope to learn how to drive. i need to go to the DMV and get a permit first, though.
*i still have me a Shareef. o yes. he's coming to see me on saturday! o the breathless anticipation and quivering and sweet, tempestuous dreams and all that other victorian-novel-bullshit. right. i'm excited to see him. it's been 5 days. i'm such a wuss.
*hoping to get my 2nd tattoo in the next couple weeks.
*going to see The Anniversary at the Abbey Pub on sunday. Hooray!
*blah, blah, blah.

Yep. so... that's it. i guess. I shall be updated fairly regularly, I hope. Yes yes. So. Yes. So.

This is all. I shall now go read bad old Stephen King novels (Carrie) and attempt to sleep.

Nighty night.

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Subject:	i might as well...
Time:	11:13 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	"holy calamity," handsome boy modeling school.

so i'm the laziest of the lazy and have not really been posting at all on lj, much less to the obie community. yeah. well the time has come for me to introduce myself, i guess.

i am claire, also referred to as 'otherclaire' or 'baldwinclaire' by the reklings of the world.
i am 5 feet tall.
i am a first-year.
i got in ED.
i am from evanston, illinois (about 15 seconds outside of chicago).
my hair is currently purple-pink.
i technically live in Baldwin Cottage (the women's collective), but rarely spend time there. i kindof go between sleeping in Burton, South, and Dascomb. over winter term i've mostly been shacked up with my boyfriend in Dascomb.
i am potentially a creative writing, english, psychology, or something-else major.
i speak broken italian.
i eat books.
i sleep about 14 hours a day (at least during winter term).

what else? ask me.

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Subject:	for once...
Time:	1:02 pm.
Mood:	happy.
Music:	"letterbox," they might be giants.

i'm the sane one? it's weird that way, how when i'm crazy i'm really crazy but when i'm stable i'm really stable, always one or the other, extremes seem to define me impossibly well...
things are so normal here. we had a gift-giving night two days ago (hanukah and christmas both being impossibly inconvient for our family, as we are hopelessly disorganized and have a very loose grasp on Time). kate was there, and my brother and his wife, and my mom.

all of the gifts that kate gave were slightly used, as she is completely broke, and were lovely. she gave us ancient hardcover books and stuffed animals of the slightly bedraggled sort, and for me she also had an unopened packet of sour skittles that had accompanied us across america on a Greyhound ride which involved carnies and strangulation and chinese food and scifi geeks and "i heart new york" tshirts.
i love kate, with her long pale bones and her washed-out orphan's eyes, tattered clothes and faint freckles. we went to dinner the other night and she had snails for the first time -- her eyes got all big and as she chewed thoughtfully some sounds of total nonsense escaped her mouth (those syllables which only we understand, they being no language but of sounds which are perfectly descriptive of whatever we are trying to express).

she will be here tonight, as it is our traditional new year's feast: garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, pork loin roasted with rosemary and sage, my mother's fresh-baked bread, her extremely alcoholic eggnog that is too frothy and full to drink without a spoon, kipful (crescent-shaped cookies made with ground almonds, coated in vanilla sugar), and a new addition of (if all goes well in mine and carolyn's cooking venture) pot de creme.
i will probably be comatose for days. hooray.

in other news... ummm... i miss shareef. i'm not used to sleeping alone. even when he was here, in my tiny twin bed, with his friend michelle five feet away and us having to be silent as shadows and behave ourselves, having his arm warm across my shoulderblades and his side to my stomach and waking with my cheek pressed to his chest was worth the slight inconvience of my foot hanging off the side of the bed and the blankets being too small.
i'm lucky -- my mom let him sleep in my room. dear, dear ma.

i am filled, these past few days, with such an immense love for my family and close friends. i'm not sure if this feeling is now apparent because of my absence from everyday life, or if i used to feel it, in lesser degrees, every day, but i'm soaking in it. i need to. i'm leaving in two days.

maso, carolyn, mom, kate, jon, james, sara, more... -- i love them all more than i can express in words or hugs or smiles or incoherent mutterings, really. i am so blessed, so lucky, gifted, fortunate, a million meaningless synonyms, right?

lucky.

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Subject:	hohoho etc....
Time:	8:50 am.
Mood:	giddy.
Music:	something by the Blind Boys of Alabama.

so somehow i'm in alabama with my dad and his wife -- despite the fact that at 1:30 a.m. of the day i was sposed to get on my plane to bama i called him and told him i wasn't coming.

the reason? the check with his part of the semester's tuition had just been plucked from the mail. $2,395. not exactly half. not even fucking close. at the beginning of the summer he had told Mom that he was only going to pay what he had to according to the divorce decree, but i didn't really believe it until the check came.
let me explaina little: he makes a whole hell of a lot more than mom does. last year he was able to put the last 4 months of his salary into his retirement fund because he JUST DIDN'T NEED THE MONEY. not to mention that he just bought a friggin AUDI. the only reason he's doing this is to fuck with mom. he's bitter as all hell.

anyways. i called him and sobbed out the words "i don't think i can come tomorrow... i don't want to see you right now" all uber-dramatically, and we got in a big "discussion" which included him screaming something about having put up with mom's shit for "22 fucking years" (have i ever heard him say that word before?)... basically i told him that i didn't think that fucking me over just because he couldn't get past his own issues with my mom was a decent thing to do. not that it was easy. i was sobbing and chainsmoking the whole time, with mom sitting next to me on the basement couch with a pained look on her face, rubbing my back and handing me tissues and cigarettes when i needed them. we got off the phone eventually, he said he'd think about what-all i'd said, and i went all achy-headed and shaky and soggy to sleep.

woke up to a call at 8 in the morning where he didn't apologize, but said he'd pay half of this year's tuition and we'll see about next year allowing that mom get's all her paperwork in on time and keeps him informed. he started crying and told me he was afraid he didn't love me enough, and would i please come, and, well, what could i say? i packed my suitcase real quick and jumped in the shower and me and ma skedaddled to the airport, and the whole visit has been just fine since we aren't talking about any of it.

we've done the whole x-mas thing (since he's christian now), with the honeybaked ham and the casseroles and the relatives (his wife's got a new grandson, 9 weeks old and cutecutecute and already obviously destined to become another football-playing, skirt-chasing, golf-playing good-ole-boy) and the presents (nothing terribly exciting, but $150 in checks and a nice new messenger bag that has enough padding for my laptop). we went to see lord of the rings and had brunch and all that fun family x-mas stuff, enough to make a nice jewish girl's head spin.

oy vey.

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Subject:	first semi-meaningful post in ages
Time:	2:44 am.
Mood:	pleased.
Music:	"pay no mind," beck.

so i haven't posted -- a real post -- in a loooonnnnnng time. not that life has been all that exciting. i finished my last final about 12 hours ago, which is a big fucking relief. what else? life isn't boring, but not too much of a thrill either:

i'm going home for break soon, which will be nice--i miss my mom. she's a very cool lady and i honestly just miss hanging out with her sometimes. plus, my brother and his wife will be there, and kate and sara and god knows who else, and lots of tasty food, and my pets, and presents, and lots of fun stuff . . . hooray!
the only thing i'm not quite looking forward to is talking to patrick. not that i'd ordinarily mind talking to patrick, but since he came here and left again, i've realized something -- i'm not in love with him anymore. i still love him, and still ache for him sometimes, all sad and lost and faint, but i have fallen away. in some ways it's a relief, but i am afraid to consider what may happen when i tell him this. how do you tell someone who sees your face on every girl that you can't be with him anymore? how do you willingly end a part of your life that has carried over the past four years? how do you tell your love -- your very first love -- that it is never going to work?
i'm hoping that maybe he knows it as well as i do. that would make things easier. but it's still going to be me who says it this time.

arrrghhhh.

aside from that, though, there's shareef. he makes me smile, and sings ridiculous songs at the slightest provocation. we sleep nekkid all the time and he gives really good hugs. he wrote me a sestina, he cried to me when he was high, he makes bad puns and kisses me at random times. i'm happy with that.

otherwise? not much going on.

[[except: mlp and chris, i'll see you guys on new year's (i hope)!]]

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