Jessica

So I get in this mood sometimes. I'm really cranky and irritable. And I tend to say things that just make my life worse. I open up old wounds and try to create new ones. It hurts a lot of people. And, of course to make things even more fun, I don't remember doing them. I keep hurting people. I don't want to. Does this mean that I let those I hurt out of my life and find new people? I'll probably just end up hurting them though...do I avoid people? No because I'm too needy.

bollocks, fuck, damnit all to fucking hell.....i just want to stop it.

A little bit overboard for a survey, but I need to do something right now and don't know what to write. Well, I know sort of what I want to write about but have not the patience to do so right now. So I shall entertain myself with this instead.

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1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
many more. Here too we learn of Guinglain, the son of Gawain, a popular char-

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
Box with random living room stuff in it

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
On real tv, like not a video or dvd, I think was White Orleandor

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
8:30pm

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
8:33pm

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
fan in the dining room, water in the plumbing of the building.

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
Yesterday evening. Going down to the ped mall in my garb to do some busking.

8: before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
I don't remember

9: what are you wearing?:
nothing

10: Did you dream last night?
I think so

11: When did you last laugh?
about half an hour ago

12: what is on the walls of the room you are in?:
There are some posters, actually a lot of posters, a wall hanging with celtic knotwork, some caution tape, Pioneer plagues I got at banquet

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
yes, everything seems to be weird though probably the latest thing that I saw that was weird was.......I'm not really sure

14: What do you think of this quiz?:
It's making me think

15: What is the last film you saw?:
Ice Age

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
I'd pay off my student loans and other debts

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I'll take "I" to mean the whole world....my cat is sleeping on a paper bag right now

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
Make the US socialist

19: Do you like to dance?:
Very much, especially toss the wench and other older dances

20: George Bush:
is evil and misguided

21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Enid

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Tanis

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
Hell yeah

I don't even know where to start. I guess with the passing out...

The first time Jon came to visit, I was on my way back to work after some appointments. I started to get really lightheaded and doing the head bob "I'm falling asleep". I'm swerving a little. I'm in the right lane and the next thing I know, I'm in the center lane. This freaks me out a lot. So the next morning I call my doctor. They want to see me, but the soonest that they can is Monday.

That Monday, I believe it was the 13th of March, I go to the doctor and tell him about my passing out. He orders some bloodwork and orders me to not drive until they can get me to a neurologist. I explain this to Richard at work and he's okay with it because it's better for me to stay home and safe than risk falling asleep while driving. We try to figure out if I could get a ride with anyone because my next appointment isn't until the 2nd of April. Well, we don't find anyone and I stay at home during that time.

I go to the neurologist. He's pretty sure that it's low blood pressure, but he wants to run some more tests. He also informs me that legally I have to go 6 months without passing out before I can drive again. Fuck. Well, so much for staying in Iowa City or at my job because I'm not going to be able to do both. I talk to my landlord and I'm going to have to pay for the month of May anyway. So the earliest I can get out of my lease is June and it might just make more sense for me to stay. But I'd have to find another job.

Well, I do the other tests, I get meds for the low blood pressure. I get a call yesterday morning saying that I was going to be moving into a house that Marvin's parents own. I start crying because yes it's a house, but I wasn't given a choice. I was told I was moving and Iowa City has become home for me. Jamie ends up giving me a ride into Cedar Rapids and I get to see the outside of the house and I warm up to the idea. I even end up in my garb down at the ped mall (it was in my car, so why not?)

I get home, do some packing and just trying to get things organized. About 10pm, I get a call from Marvin's mom. She wants to know why I have to move this weekend because there's some work that needs to be done on the house. I explain how I haven't been able to work for 5 weeks and that Marvin wants me up there as soon as possible. She says she's going to talk to her husband and then she'll get back to me. This morning I get a phone call. Her husband decided that they shouldn't rent the house. So now I don't have a house. It's so fucking frustrating! Do I keep packing or not? Do I find my own apartment there or not? I just want to scream and throw things and just grrrr.

That's my rant. Now I'm back to waiting, again. Bollocks.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1 - Being Alone
2 - Change
3 - Being Hated
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1 - Unimaginative people
2 - My ferrets
3 - My Kitten
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1 – Gaelic
2 - String instrument; harp or mandalin...not sure
3 – Sword fighting
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1 – Jon's shirt
2 – Bandana
3 – shorts
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1 – Have a family in whatever context that means
2 – Go to Asia
3 – Tour with a big show
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1 - Random
2 - Silly
3 - Dreamlike
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1 – Stubborn
2 – Two sided
3 – Impatient
THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1 – English
2 – German
3 – Irish
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1 - Breats
2 - Eyes
3 - Back
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1 - Toes
2 - My gut
3 – My scars
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1 – I tried to kill myself when I was in 4th grade
2 - I am relaxed
3 - My birthmark is on my middle toe on my right foot
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1 – 42
2 – Maybe
3 - Eep (okay, it's a hiccup, but I do that just as much as anything else)
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
1 - Asia
2 - Ireland
3 – Canada
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
1 - Jess
2 - Wench
3 - Hey you
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD
1 - alwfan
2 - burlymtnwoman
3 - whistling_wench

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It's not a real post, I know, but things are just too bollocked up for me to think clearly and put everything down as I want to. Essentially I'm moving into a house. This will probably happen in the next few days. I'm not completely sure how I feel about it...

so I had just had this awesome dream while I was asleep on the couch...

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I'm home sick, but it's not my current home...it's somewhere else. I'm on the couch asleep, holding a teddy bear and surrounded by used tissue.

Jon walks in and puts down his bag. He comes over and looks at me, stroking my face and running his fingers through my hair (which is really long). He goes into the kitchen, making tea and soup for me. Wakes me up and makes me eat and then to go to bed in a bed. I sleepily wander off.

He then does a sort of evil laugh thing and then comments "it's good she missed rehearsal because now I've had a chance to get things planned"

Fast forward several weeks. I'm healthy and at faire. I'm not sure which faire, but it's faire. And it's either my birthday or really close to it. I've just finished my stage show, when members of the Queen's guard show up and escort me to court. I'm in trouble. I'm being accussed of being too argumentative (which I start to argue about) and for disrupting the peace. The Queen askes if there is anyone who will speak in my defense. No one answers so she's about to send me to the stocks, when Jon shows up. The Queen asks who he is and what he wants. He has offered to defend this "miserable wench". So he starts to defend me, but it sounds me like I'm just going to be punished more. He then asks the Queen if she will release me if I "convert" to become his lady and give up my wenchly ways. My back is turned to him and the Queen asks me to turn around and answer. When I turn around, I find him on his knee with a ring (a cladagh with an emerald...my ideal engagement ring).

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Then I woke up, but I am amused by it.

So mom is coming into town tonight on her way back from Missouri. She was selling llamas. She's also bringing some of my stuff and going to become my co-signer for my lease. This means that the boy will be out of my life. And I'll be getting my stuff back, assuming his mom agrees with the contract my lawyer came up....She better damn well agree to it. It's been over a week now!

I'm not going to be able to drive for 6 months and if I were to leave my place early, the soonest I could leave would be June. I don't want to loose my job because I like it, but with the way things are going, even if I was living in Cedar Rapids, I wouldn't be able to drive the company vehicles or climb anything. The neurologist gave me a medication to raise by blood pressure. Hopefully this will fix everything. He said that the EEG and EKG looked good. And yesterday I got to take the blasted monitor off. I can't believe how depressed I got wearing that thing! Grr it was annoying.

Spent a lot of time yesterday at the ped mall. It was a beautiful day. I've also been invited to join a d&d; game. Jeff is starting one down at the ped mall, but he also suggested maybe doing a smaller one at my apartment where there wouldn't be a billion ped rats wanting to join in...now to just find a few more players...

Spent today cleaning so mom doesn't think I'm a totally slob. Still need to do laundry...need to do it really really bad. I've done one load since Feb. 1 and normally one load for me is like two for a normal person, but this was a normal person one load.

I like having a clean apartment. Downstairs is looking really good...now if I can just get upstairs looking better. It should help to have a dresser and getting some folders so I can actually start filing stuff would help too.

Outsmarted the ferrets, I hope. I have a sheet on both the couch and the chair. They have been safety pinned/duct taped to the furniture. Hopefully it'll keep the buggers out. I don't know what else to do. I also gave the carpet sharks baths today as they were getting stinking.

Rhesus fell into the bath with me last night. He keeps thinking he should drinking my bath water. I was trying to gently push him off the edge and he fought and moved forward, causing him to fall into the bath. I couldn't help laughing. When I got out, he kept running up to me and then running away. He was so cute.

Watched Bruce Almighty last night. Really really good. I loved it. I think it helped me to remember what I believe.

there are so many things I want to say right now, but need to clean....ahhh...can't sit still long enough to write....maybe later today....

NAME ANALYSIS FOR: Jessica Elizabeth Grimm


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Jessica:

You have a love of travel and adventure, and you enjoy sports. You also have a very strong sense of fair play and want justice. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You have a need to earn money to prove your success to society and must learn the true value of material gains and status. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life.
Elizabeth:


You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You are compassionate, highly imaginative and creative. You have a need to be up front. You are a constructive thinker. You have a need for monetary security. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts.
Grimm:


You strive for perfection and worry when things don't turn out just so. You enjoy doing a job well. You tend to procrastinate. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You are always involved with projects and things to do. You need to learn when to let go.

http://www.zodiacal.com/acro.mv

so I'm stuck in a place that I originally didn't want to live in, will probably have to "take a break" from the job that I stayed in Iowa for, can't drive and feel like crap in general. I'm not having any look finding a job down here and wouldn't be able to move to CR until June, but still couldn't drive. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

i fucking hate life right now. i think im going to cry and have some chocolate...if i have any....

currently wearing a heart monitor. I have to wear it until 3pm. It's so annoying! It itches like none other. grrr....though I might be able to be working again. Except I'm not suppose to drive, so how do I do that???

so I didn't go to bed until about 3am or so and then I woke up between 7 and 8, hauling myself out of bed by 8. why would I do something as crazy as that? Because I'm suppose to be tired for my EEG today. Yes, today is the day of tests. I'm kind of nervous, but also very tired.

Played some Dark Alliance and am now stuck. I can't find the 3rd lever! grrr

I have to revoke any interest in the cat, but if the cat gets away from him and comes back to me through a shelter, etc, then I can legally have the cat. I agree with the contract draft my lawyer sent. Now his parents just need to do the same. He wants the drum corps book back. Yes, it was a gift, but he also gave it back to me. I told my lawyer to tell them that I'll give them that and the baking stone for my cat back, otherwise I'm not giving the book back. Man I'm petty sometimes. So are they though. They wanted fabric back. Fabric that he'd given me right after we'd started dating. Well fuck them, all of them. Yes, I still love Steve, but with the way things are going, it's going to take a while for those good memories to resurface. Granted, it's his parents, probably his mother to be correct, that's causing most of the trouble...grrr and blah!

Need to wake up...need something to entertain brain with...grrr....

Today's just been one of those days. I woke up real early and decided to go back to sleep. I was in a kind of bad mood. It's kind of a silly reason why but it is the truth. Jon said he was going to call last night. So I waited. I heard nothing from him. I even fell asleep on the couch and eventually dragged myself upstairs. When I got up this morning, there was nothing. Not even just a text to say sorry I didn't call for whatever reason. So I was a bit..irked. Things are better now, I think. I'm going into one of my moods where I'm just, well, moody. Everything that I'd been working on, on being able to relax and free up, seems to be falling back into my old habits and I'm taking a step backwards. I know that sometimes you have to fall before you can go forward, but it's annoying.

And on top of everything else, it's the Presidental Ball tonight. I'd love to go and see people, but alas, I'm stranded here. I'm not really as pathetic as I may seem at the moment. I've just spent the better part of 3 weeks alone. And the whole having to move to Cedar Rapids thing is really getting to me. I know that I have to, but I wish there was another way. I guess I could get another job, but I really like the one I have. *sigh* Stupid complications. Part of me was kind of hoping it was a tumor (I know I shouldn't but once again...way too lonely) because then I wouldn't have to worry about the mundane stuff. In truth, I'm glad that it wasn't. I don't think I could handle that.

So I set the alarm for 7am because I had to catch the bus at 8am to get to my neurologist appointment. Of course this means that I hit snooze until 7:45. No big surprise there. eh, five more minutes...

I get there and am a little nervous. Today I'm suppose to have all sorts of answers to tell my boss Marvin, but I'm pretty sure that they're going to want to do some tests. I get there, after walking the wrong direction from the bus stop and meet the doctor. First of all, he's Dr. Ajax, which just amuses me. Second, there were times that he'd ask a question, I'd start to explain and he'd say I understand, yeah, I understand. It was entertaining. Of course I ended up having a dizzy spell while I was there. I guess that was good because he got to see one. He's pretty sure it's just a problem with my blood pressure, which can be fixed with meds. He wants to do some more tests, so next week I go back for an EEG and an EKG and then I get to wear a heart monitor. Definetly a lot better than I was thinking it would be. Of course, I'd decided that I had cancer. Anything would be better than that.

I stop by Bruegger's to get a bagel because I needed to just sit and think and was hungry. I'll probably have to move to Cedar Rapids, which I'm not really up for, but may have no other choice. I'm not suppose to be driving a lot when I'm medicated, so it would make more sense for me to be in Cedar Rapids and just drive down to my appointments... but I've fallen in love with Iowa City. It's beautiful here. I just also love my job. grrr...decisions.

I then took the bus to the Hy-Vee on Waterfront. I needed to pay my electric bill today. While I was there, I bought some fruits and vegetables and some more bread. It's been a while since I've had fresh fruit. I debated taking the bus but figured I could walk and be home by the time the bus got to the stop I was at. So I starting trekking.

First lesson of the adventure: wake up early so that you can put on real shows instead of the tour sandles you have that are about a men's 10 or so when you wear a men's 8.

I kept tripping over the damn front of the sandles, but I did make it home.

After talking with mom, I went and took a shower and promptly left to go see my lawyer. Yes, I had to get a lawyer. I can't believe the boy's parents aren't giving me back my stuff. Stupid gits.

I talked to Jon on my walk over there...He was being too logical, so I hung up the phone on him. It's seemed the right thing to do at the time. He sent me a text; I love you to which I replied but I can't afford to love you or even be loved. Then he sent me probably the sweetest message I've seen in ages; to love and be loved in return costs nothing. At this point I called him back. He and I talked so I could kill some time before my appointment as it had taken me less time to walk there than I had thought.

I like my lawyer. He was real friendly and wants to get this taken care of. He's having a hard time with the boy's mom. He keeps reminding her that he is my lawyer, not her's and he's trying to be patient and civil with her. He's worried that she might change her mind, which she might. She's rather unstable.

It's been a semi productive day. I finish The Castaway's of the Flying Dutchman, which made me cry but most of Brian Jaques books do that. It was a marvelous story. And I got further in Castlevania: Lament of Innocence. I'm a little over 50% completion for the game, but have only put in just over 4 hours. Maybe close to 5. It just seems odd... I also cooked dinner. I haven't done that in ages. It felt so good to eat real food again. And to make it. That was actually kind of fun.

The ghosts are still hanging around the apartment; bits of him that I find here and there. So many new things are starting to chase them out, which makes me feel better. I don't want the memories gone because I learned so much about myself through him and with him, but I want the pain of him being gone, the pain he caused me, to disappear, the same way he did. To just up and leave one night. Now I'm afraid that it'll happen again with the next guy in my life. My dad essentially did that....Kyle in a way did that...Steve did it...who next?

So after watching Le Pacte des Loupes, I've been cleaning. A couple of hours worth. The living room is pretty much done. I just need to put papers away into files. Which means buying more files. Yay for the Dollar Tree.

I just don't understand why cleaning takes so long and has to be done so often. Much grr-ness on that.

I'm feeling a little odd and alienated from myself. I think it's because I'm waiting for something to go wrong, which is funny because things are now going better. I mean, that could be why or it could be because things usually go wrong at about this point in the year. Not sure. I just don't want things to fall apart.

So last night I wrote an email to Jon. It really expressed a lot of things that have been on my mind.

There has been a lot of things that are worrying me. I'm not even sure where to start, so things will probably just come out as I remember them, so don't be surprised by the nonlinear thinking of this email.

First of all, the whole past lives thing. I do believe in them, it's just rather overwhelming right now. To believe in them is one thing, but to have someone confirm what you'd thought to have been a dream or a vision is something completely different. It does make me a little uncomfortable, especially after how upset you got last night. I don't want to make you upset but it seems I opened a figurative can of worms last night. You seemed really upset at what you saw and that does unnerve me. I now that what I did, I did because I had no other choice, you were married and I was not and could have passed the child off as anything else. it was either die or join a convent, which i could not do to ashame my family...but that was all in the past. I forgave you then and I forgive you now. No point in apologizing for it. If I had not forgiven you, I don't think I'd be comfortable around you. So please do not dwell on the past. While it can be interesting to know the past, it can not be changed, so there is no point in getting upset over it.

Another thing that's been bugging me and it only kind of related to you. I've been in places where others have seen/heard things, but I never have. I don't know if I am immune to such things or just not openminded enough or if I have some sort of protection. So many people relate their stories to me and while it does frighten me a little, usually because of the fear they sometimes have, I always wonder if they are making it up or if maybe there's something about me that keeps me from such things. Any ideas? I'm not quite sure what to make of all of it.

It still scares me that you love me. Please realize that it was at about this point of my knowing steve that he said the same thing...and well, we both know how that ended up. I just don't want to hurt you and part of me is tempted to push you away, to keep you from getting hurt. I seem to hurt people a lot. I don't mean to, it just happens. I am too frank and switch back and forth between realities of who I am that it confuses people and hurts them. You said that you've seen Addicted to Love. The last scene describes what I'm talking about; loving someone so much, that you appear to be hurting them at the moment, so that they'll be safe later on...of course, those two characters ended up back together at the end.

I believe that I'm going to have to move to Cedar Rapids, which I really don't want to do. I'm starting to like it in Iowa City, but I need to be working and I do really like my job. I'm realy torn about it. I wish life was a ot easier.

I sometimes wonder if you really love me or if it
s just been so long, so you think you're in love. It's not that I doubt your sincerity or the truth of your feelings..just how long they are going to last. I hoe that youll prove me wrong. I hate being right. I'm also afraid that since I'm being so cynical that I'll never have a chance at love again, at least not the way that I remember it being before things, mainly reality, kicked in...

I'm rather down right now. I can't really explain why. I was upset that you were getting upset. I understand that it was because you were sick, but I didn't want to cross the line that I had already crossed. I just don't understand why you were getting upset. I feel that what I was saying was equivalent to saying, I won't marry you because your tie doesn't go with my dress. It's really a silly reason and can not be taken seriously. I am not that superficial. So it hurt that you weren't understanding me and taking me seriously. I'm use to people not understanding my humor and taking me seriously when I am joking, but it seemed to hurt when it was you. It still doesn't make sense to me and I've been sitting here, letting my mind chew on it as I go about dong other things.

I am/was a little upset about earlier, with the whole grape diving/wench thing. When I realized that I was more of wench than I'd been letting on to myself, it was liberating to wench. It wasn't tht I was using men or anything, it was that I was making decisions on what I wanted to do. And to have someone take that from me would, to me, feel like someone telling me that I couldn't believe what I believed in because it offended them. I have been to faire once with a boyfriend and was sort of on good behavior. Granted, I didn't have my proper garb, just my older stuff, but I still did flirt a little, but he realized that at the end of the day, he was the one I went home with and that after every little flirty thing I did, I was turn and smile at him with the expression of "aren't I just cute?". It may be years before I get out of this state of my life. I don't have a cycle, as far as I can tell of when I'm into something and when I'm not. I know a few people who are like that. It might take me actually being married (possibly engaged) to stop going to faire the way that I go to faire. I haven't been to a faire as just a playtron for a while, so I'm not sure how I'd act. And even after all the abuse, physical and emotional, that I have recently been put under, I might not be quite as flirtatious anyway. But part of the fun in being a wench is being a little confusing to men. Making them think they know what is going on and then to change just a little. I don't mean it in a malicious way, and they have all understood that. It's more playful, the way my ferrets are at times. I just feel that even by saying no to wenching, though I understand your reasoning and respect that, that I'd be being put on a collar and tamed in a sense. I don't know if I'm ready for that or if I'll ever be ready for that. I don't like being restricted. I grew up in a rather....loose household, being told that I could do whatever I wanted, but never knowing what to do, but there were no restrictions. Even in college, I had very few restrictions. Now, not being able to drive and being forced to leave...economically, is driving me nuts. It's tying me down and not letting me be free. And I don't want you to do that. I think that would drive me away. My first boyfriend was playing our wedding when we were 16; I ran. Another told me that god said I was the one for him; I pushed him away and ran. Another, who I never really dated, waited for me, and I believe is still waiting for me...he even wrote me poetry (http://poetry.com/Publications/search.asp if it doesn't work, look up the name Nathaniel Isner); I ran again. Then there was kiltboy. He treated me like a lady; I ran because I didn't know what else to do. Then Kyle and I loved him, but he disappeared and I started to dispair and become cynical. Then Paul. He was very distant and then became way too clingly, so I ran because I didn't want to be with him but thought I had no other choice. I didn't want to be tied down and each that I ran from, restricted me in some way. I don't want that to happen to us, but I don't know what to do if you do request that. I do not want to be like Kate in the Taming of the Shrew.

I fear I may have already lost you when the subject of distance came up. You have your reasons, which are strong and true, to stay there, but I can not give up anything I have. If it hadn't been for Steve, I would probably be on the west coast right now or at least cedar rapids, as I had thought about applying to sound concepts before I'd gotten back with him. I gave up a lot to be with him and I can't do that again. I made myself the same promise. I did break once promise that I'd made to myself...I had promised to never love again after him, which explains why I am so hesitant a lot of the time. I hope you can understand. I want to be with you, but I refuse to give up any ground until Iam sure I won't get hurt, at least not as bad as before. I expect at least a little pain, as for with all things, there must be pain to appreciate the joy. I know I shouldn't worry about what we will do, but it seems that it will be impossible for us to have a relationship if neither of us is willing to compromise...sorry it's such a downer...

The reason you're confused about me is because I am confused about you. You say that we'll be just friends, but then show something different. While I didn't mind that first kiss, it confused me because I didn't expect it...I honestly thought that you were here to support me and be a friend...part of me feels a little awkward about the whole thing...thinking that you came up here to "get some", if you know what I mean. I'm not bitter or upset about it, just confused, which has been, I think, causing some of my confusing reactions.

He and I talked this morning. Things are better. He explained somethings and reassured me. I think things are less complicated now...except that I'm awake. Grr on mornings. I like them but usually only if I've stayed awake through them.

i think i just made things more complicated...i shall see how they are in the morning and then decide.

So mom just woke me up otherwise I'd still be having this messed up dream, but I want to write it down because it seemed important.
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I'm at faire with Jon and I'm pregnant. This becomes a scene where I am not pregnant, but become pregnant and go through the entire phase of pregnancy in a couple of hours. I get to the hospital for a routine checkup and end up giving birth. No one is there except for me and the doctor/nurse person and it doesn't even really look like a hospital. It looks more like home. So I give birth, except, they have to pull the baby out because I can't seem to push him out. And the ferrets showed up at this point.

Then I meet my son, whom I don't have a name for. At first, he's a small infant and then he's a grown man. I ended up naming him Tanis, which he said was apporpiated because of the d&d; stuff in the room we were in. Jon shows up but looks like himself and Steve.

The last bit involves a friend leaving because whatever hair/fur he had believed to be the next currency had convinced him that it wasn't even though it was.

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I remember more details, but I have no way of putting them into words...it's just too weird.

As noted before, last week was a good week. I got a chance to work with the Stonecutter's. Dave picked me up in Cedar Rapids after Batboy got out, drove me to my apartment and then to Ames. What was suppose to be a 4 hour day ended up turning into 9. I didn't mind. It was work and a chance to be around lights again. I stayed the night there and Kim took me home on Monday morning. We got bagels in Ames and then coffee in Des Moines, which was for her boy and the guys he was working with.

Around 1:30, we arrived at the apartment. My phone was dead and I hadn't brought the charger, as I figured I'd be home by then. I see Jon in his vehicle, waiting for me to get there. I told him the night before to try to be there closer to 1 or 1:30. He overestimated how long it would take him to get here, so he was actually here at 12:15. While I ran around looking for a change of clothes and the things I needed to go to the counselor's, Kim looked at my resume and talked with Jon. Running out the door, a usual habit for me, Jon drove me to my appointments. I didn't know how long they'd take, but he said he had a book, so I wasn't too worried.

I met Dr. Okishi for the first time. I like him. He told me I wasn't crazy, at least not in a bad way. He also said that I don't owe the boy's parents any money. He recommended some books for me, I hate you, don't leave and Walking on eggshells. I should find them soon and read them.

After my appointment with Chris, I wandered outside, not really sure where to find Jon as he had dropped me off outside the building and said he'd meet me back there. He was on the porch of the first building I was in. It was so good to see him. I can't express my joy and excitement. We had to walk quite away to his car, as that was the closest parking spot that he could find at the time. I was getting cold as the sun was going down. I kept avoiding looking at him. It's silly, but I'm afraid that if I look at him too much, that he'll disappear. I know that isn't true, but part of me doesn't want to risk it.

We went home and were just hanging out. Jamie stopped by. He had something for me, maybe. I don't remember. Well, he and Jon got along brillantly, which was marvelous. We went to dinner together and Jon burnt himself, the oaf. I did feel bad, but didn't want to overreact and become to motherly. He said he was fine.

Tuesday, he took me to cedar rapids. Marvin might have a place for me to move to, at least temporarily, up there. I want to, but I don't. I'm starting to like Iowa City and it's forcing me to meet people. And my life is already down here. Then we hooked up with Jamie again. That was good times. I got the nickname, Crack Monkey, because I kept laughing and stopping to look at things. I'm surprised Jon didn't just pick me up and carry me back to the car. I got so excited back at the apartment because there were puddles to play in. It's been a while since I've played in rain.

I ended up setting some "rules". I don't want another relationship that's so physical that it becomes the only thing that holds it together. I want to nurture the emotional and intellectual first. I know how to do the physical. I'm good at the physical. It's the rest that I need help with. Of course, I'm not very good at keeping with what I say I want. I got really flirty and...aggressive I guess is the right word. It confused Jon. When I explained that when I explain while I'm being logical, it's what I want long term. Then I get urges that make me forget the long term.

On Wednesday, Jon redecorated my bedroom. I love it now. I actually drag myself up there to go to sleep, where I use to be okay passing out on the couch. I want to be there as a part of him is there. Even though he's not here now, when I woke up this morning, I felt the same way I did when he was here; peaceful and happy.

It's nice to have a guy that I can tickle and doesn't freak out in a bad way. Everyone else always did. And it's nice to be with a man who is a rogue and a gentleman. I could be on crack, but I remember him kissing my forehead and brushing back my hair while I slept on Monday after my appointments. He's so perfect, that it almost scares me.

I remember a dream, rather a series of dreams, I had back during my junior year. It was after Marie comforted me and told me that I'd find a wonderful man who'd go to faire with me in garb and love it and love me. I dreamed that I was very pregnant, but still at faire. And my husband was bragging/defending the entire time. And even before I had even known of Jon's existence, I swear it was him in my dreams. I am leary that right now my head might just be putting something there (I do remember the dream) to make me feel better, but I hope that that isn't the case. He showed me pictures from his faire....and I knew it already. It was just weird.

Did he really come to me in a dream? Did I know about him before I ever met him? Does stuff like that really happen?

hmmm....I have lots to talk about but not the attention span to do such right now. Got back yesterday from NYC. Man I miss that city, but I am kind of glad to be back. Though I do miss the subway..public transportation is good.

Last week was a good week. Jon visited (squee) and I know for sure that I'm not pregnant (huzzah) and I went to NYC for free. How could it be better? Well, I have some ideas...I miss working. I don't know when I'll get back yet.

Need to clean and pay bills and go to my counselor and talk to work...so many things to do, not enough motivation. But I do have my laptop/dsl back. HUZZAH.

I'm leaving for NYC today, but your cell number is on my laptop, which is dead. Call my cell. I'm there until Sunday and would love to hook up.