User Info
User Information
Below is user information for FireAngel. If you are this user, you can edit your information (or choose what information is considered public) at the Edit Info page.
   
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| User: | fireangel_999 (202970) | |||||||||||||
| Name: | FireAngel | |||||||||||||
| Location: | Wichita, Kansas, United States | |||||||||||||
| Birthdate: | 1971-06-02 | |||||||||||||
| Bio: | I have been journaling since about the 6th grade. This journal goes back to June of 2001. It is now being phased out. Now this journal is a sad progression of a marriage, infertility, pregnancy with triplets via IVF, premature babies, deaths of babies and then divorce. Because my ex is so unstable, unpredictable and sadistic I must refrain from posting details because he and his runtlings are obsessed with my journal and spy on me to find any reason they can to cry foul. To me, the pot calling the kettle black would be the understatement of the year but whatever. In a nutshell, we had, what I view to be a good marriage. We had our fights but we both worked very hard on our relationship and were seemingly committed to going the long haul with each other. We got pregnant finally, after years of infertility, with triplets. We had to move out of state due to my husband getting laid off and four days later I went into preterm labor. I laid in a hospital bed for a month when they could no longer stop the labor and I gave birth to 2 boys and a girl, each weighing just over a pound. One died after a day. One died after a month. (If you want to read her story go here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fireangel_999/2003/05/28/) After close to 6 months our remaining son came home. He was extremely messed up and was eventually called "terminal". For the 6 months that he was home we were in and out of the hospitals with surgeries and complications. I spent over 12 hours a day glued to my son, who had to be hooked up to various machines, so I could'nt really go anywhere except the times the home care nurse would come in to relieve me. That's when I slept and did grocery shopping or whatnot. My husband and I slept different shifts that whole time. When my son got sick we stayed at home and allowed him to die. He just had his 1st birthday. (If you want to read his story, go here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fireangel_999/2004/07/13/) About a month after that I was feeling so much love for him and had never felt that much love and trust in my entire life. We talked and agreed to give polyamory a shot in order to kick start our sex life and I wanted to work on my issues with trust overall. Things went downhill from there. This is where I am limited in the amount of detail I can share. He got involoved with someone that in the beginning was out in the open. It was a very bad situation that I was not okay with and he eventually broke things off but then continued to have a relationship with her in secret, all the while telling me how much he loved me and was dedicated to our marriage. I even agreed to take medication to help me with my "paranoia" that he was witholding some information but I did not know what. I found out later that my instincts were right all along. From the time that he supposedly ended that relationship and through the whole summer, he treated me like shit. He acted like I disgusted him and he hated me. We hardly spoke. I assumed it was grief. It wasn't. He didn't want me anymore. He wanted her. My theory of what happened here is that he wanted to dump me but didn't want to look like a bad guy for ditching his wife for another woman right after their third child died. So he acted like a giant asshole to me for months, hoping that I'd leave him so he could be free to pursue this other relationship and not worry about looking bad. It didn't work that way. I stuck by him anyway, determined not to be a statistic. Eventually the truth all came out and I did agree to the divorce that he had already stated he wanted but wasn't sure. After that he could have just let me peacefully live my life and go, but instead he had to save up his secrets and between him and his slut and reveal them to me one at a time every so often, just to make sure that I wouldn't actually get to heal or be happy. This was during the time that he was telling me he still loved me and cared about me and wanted to remain friends. He has to try to keep me down. It's part of his hate. The man I married was sweet, considerate, not perfect but wonderful. The man he is now I do not recognize. He uses people, not just me. He lies to everyone, including himself. He seems to devote a lot of his time to keeping me down or controlling me as much as possible. He also requested that our divorce be final on Valentine's Day. I am still trying to get over the shock of the level of betrayal and hate that has been thrown my way by a man who continually called me his dream woman and soul mate and also by a woman who called me her best friend. If I have to go over there to get stuff, he makes sure that she is there so she can follow me around and hover over me, watching me. I have no idea what kind of sewage they are telling people who knew us, about what happened, but I guarantee it's a lie because I cannot imagine anyone wanting to hang out with them if they knew how vile these people are. Then again not everyone has the same standards. He always told me I set the bar too high for him to reach. So now you know. That's what this whole journal is all about. It's a sick and sad story. I will probably also catch hell for putting my side of the story here but they can live their own lives. I don't go an check up on what they are doing. Sometimes I have to make myself not do it but I don't. I still react. It's still jarring for me. Maybe they will get pleasure out of knowing that it hurt a lot. It still hurts a lot. I have never hated anyone more than I hate those two. I hate them even more than the obgyn that was taking care of me in my pregnancy, who refused to treat my pregnancy as a high risk one. Yes, I hate them even more than that. At least with the doctor, he was not seeking to destroy. He was not seeking to harm. He was just an egotistical asshole who was way too busy. I have never in my life felt this used, this lied to or this hated by anyone, including those that have never liked me, and these people both professed to love me. Eventually I will get over it and I work on that every day. There has been no real privacy breeched here. This is MY truth and MY version of what happened, which may or may not match what someone else says. There are also some people who love to hate me who have only known me either since the time I was hospitalized or right after my third baby died. They like to call me "basket case", "crazy", "unpredictable" and "irrational". The Asshole knows, and always has known that I have a history of being not only honest but brutally so. I am not a liar. He also knows that he has a history of having a hard time telling the truth, both to himself and others. Yes, I HAVE been a basketcase. Do you *really* want to publically state that it is unreasonable for me to be over emotional 2 or 3 months after I was holding the corpse of my baby in my arms? For the third fucking time? I pat myself on the back for still being *alive* today because even just that wasn't always a very easy choice. Not to mention I have been in school since only a few months after my son died and have managed to pull a 4.0. My therapist has told me that my feelings and reactions have been very normal for what I have been through, yet a 20-something year old who has never been married or pregnant, thinks she can tell me what a bad person I am for acting like a lunatic through all this, without ever even once ASKING me about it or trying to talk to me about it, except to send me a hateful email spewing HER feelings and HER interpretation of events. Well fuck you. You don't know me, nor have you ever known me. You have always had a tainted view of me because you believed what he said. There are lots of people he would have believe that I somehow wronged him so much to justify what he has done. He has no remorse. He feels no guilt. He has no emotion towards it except hate towards me. He never could hide anything from me, but he's really good at looking like a sweet, misunderstood victim to others. Those that can do critical thinking and have intelligence and actually care about the situation will ask questions from BOTH sides. They won't just be sheeple and follow whatever someone else tells them. I, on the other hand, have always been honest and expressive about my emotions. I express all of my emotions including anger and sometimes even yell. *gasp!* This makes it much easier to convice others that he is perfectly sane and I am abusive and unreasonable. I admit I can be a major bitch. I admit that I have a temper and that I have definitely had more than my share of irrational outbursts in the last year or two. I am not good at hiding my true feelings. I am not good at lying or acting. I am okay with that. Perhaps he feels that his abilities in this area are a good thing but in my experience, facades are always temporary and leave much destruction. I would rather just be real. I do not apologize for expressing my feelings and being up front with people about how I feel. Some people actually appreciate that I don't leave them guessing all the time. Others find me too abrasive. I don't aim to please so if people like me for who I am then great! If they don't then there are plenty of non-emotional people out there for them to feel safe with. I don't do "safe" really well all the time. Before the Asshole worshipers get their panties in a big wad over this, maybe you can just get a life already and focus on fixing yourselves for once rather than using me as a distraction to not take responsibility for your own actions and feelings. There's this thing called "freedom of speech" which I and every other American has the privilege and right to, or do you only believe in that as long as it doesn't bug YOU or as long as it's something YOU agree to? I am doing my very best to move on from this and leave it in the past. Perhaps you could try giving that a whirl as well. This is in response to the recent threats of "things will get very ugly" if I did not remove a recent post that gave some hard evidence of his betrayal and lies.
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| Interests: | 66: art, asatru, atkins, belly dancing, bi, bi-sexual, bi-sexuality, bisexual, bisexuality, blues, bonfires, butterflies, cats, ceramics, cma, cocteau twins, compersion, crafting, creativity, djembe, drawing, drums, empathic, empathy, fire, flirting, freya, g-tubes, german, goddess, heathen, heathenism, infant death, infertility, kissing, magick, making out, massage therapy, meditation, moon, mountains, nurse, nursing, pagan, paganism, phoenix, polyamorous, polyamory, pottery, preemies, red wine, registered nurse, rn, sca, seid, sewing, society for creative anachronism, spirit, swing and big band, tatoos, thunderstorms, tigers, tribal drumming, vampires, viking, wheel of time. [Modify yours] | |||||||||||||
| Friends: | ||||||||||||||
| Mutual Friends: | 34: annexia_lex, ariall, aronal, brezhnev, chloey, cutedame, damashita, devey, endora, fleckerbug, frank62281, fuchsiadarling, greeneyedpagan, jade247, jaelafae, jen_floridagal, k45, kryson_macabre, pixie1771, polish_ac_guy, preemie_rn, rio_or_axl, sollite, spiritfire, texaswillow, theoldone, timetostamp, trippylongsocks, trypinwolf, valkyriechick, walter5, witchipoo, witchphaedra, wonderslug | |||||||||||||
| Account type: | Free Account | |||||||||||||
