So I haven't updated much about my personal life lately. Anyway, here goes: I was kind of seeing someone for most of the past month, and... now I'm not. I don't want to get into the specifics of how things ended between us--he knows how I feel about all of *that*--but I do have a couple of things to say about how I'm feeling in general.

First off, I'm okay. Not super-fine, not feigning-fine, not unscathed... but somewhere in the middle, somewhere pretty functional, I guess... as in, no need for people to freak out and worry or anything. Having radio and school today really helped. I love everyone at school, and just being around all of them generally makes me feel 100% better about anything. Today was no exception.

Second, I think that, as a result of the short-lived relationship (or whatever you wanna call it) I found out some things I really needed to know about myself. The positive thing that happened was that the cynical wall I have that I sometimes worry can't come down, really started to. Bonus is that I was able to let it come down and keep my dignity at the same time. Like, I could *see* it going there, dammit. The negative flip side of that is, well, it didn't. Now I'm back in that frozen, inert place for a while, and I can't say it's entirely comfortable.

Walking back to our cars after the reading at school the other night, Casey and I had a brilliant and terrible idea: starting an a capella Modest Mouse cover band. This came about because I bought the new album, and was commenting that it took me five to ten listens to figure out that Isaac was saying "cop car" in "Float On" because it was so goddamn high. Next thing you know, we were all-out warbling things like "I backed my car into a cop car the other day" and "goddamn I hope I can pass high... school... next month." Justin, who was with us, was also laughing his ass off, mostly at the weird lyrics. Many rock lyrics sound amusing sung in a soprano concert choirgirl voice with lots of vibrato, but "when I have sex I'm always thinking about the pavement so I can avoid premature ejaculation" takes the cake.

"rainmates forever
you and me
soaked to the skin
dead waist down, on the evidence
we're guilty as sin

you dress like a letter delivered to the wrong
address and name
scented and a ribboned with a bow
you burst into flame

and what's inside is not really mine
help me open up
when we're outside
we are the tufted race and we just graze

when I think of you it's as the genius I was
the expert whose dog did all the work
when X marked the spot

in the field, the fool that I am
help me open up
I was ploughed
you want me to milk my time
but I just graze

and what's inside is not really mine
help me open up
when we're outside
we are the tufted race and we just graze"

[	feeling	|	working	]
[	listening to	|	Lloyd Cole ~ Man on the Verge (for the 3rd time tonight...)	]

Not to get my hopes up and subsequently kick myself in the ass, but if the draft I'm working on goes over okay in workshop tomorrow, it could possibly possibly possibly be the new concluding poem that Stroff wants for my thesis. I hope I hope I hope. I slept badly last night (fucking ER reruns always unsettle me... I never learn) and am tired as hell, but I have a bit of that delusional I'm-on-top-of-the-world second wind now. So yeah, I finished something, and here's to living the rest of the week without guilt. Or with less guilt, hehehe. I still need eight pages, grrr.

What else? Oh yeah, I'm also a little nervous about tomorrow's airtime. Ammon can't make it for the Get Lit show, so I'm gonna be flying solo *and* I'm interviewing our first off-campus author, a local mystery writer who just published his first book. I've been talking with an actual publicist about this show for the past two weeks--so it's all very exciting, but nervewracking.

[	feeling	|	good	]
[	listening to	|	The Vines ~ Ride	]

I'm back! with new furniture, even. Happy Easter!

FortDawg: I might give up LJ for lent.
McMartinWS: Better than giving up making out

I don't talk about my religious/spiritual beliefs a whole lot in my online journal, but Lent is one of my favorite times of year. It's true that when I was younger I liked the extra church services in part because I had an extended crush on the pastor's son. But still. What I like about Lent to this day is the whole idea of turning inward. It's one of my convictions that working on myself is a crucial part of working on how I relate to the world.

So yeah. In the spirit of looking inward and improving my spiritual life, I try to change my behavior slightly every Lent with a resolution of some sort. Posting about my Lenten resolution seems, in some ways, antithetical. However, since I've decided that this year I'm going to give up LiveJournaling for Lent, I thought it made sense to explain that, and also post about why I'm doing it.

I love my fellow humans dearly, but the flip side of that is my tendency to seek approval from them in general, and, more specifically, to ask for their validation on decisions (ranging from the mundane to the grand) that I should learn to make on my own. While blogging is wonderful in that it allows me easy access to a community of friends, it also taps into those other problems... not to mention that it often becomes a method of procrastination. I have a thesis project that needs my immediate attention and a paper diary that hasn't been touched in about a month. This Lent, I plan to use the time I don't spend posting/commenting to work on both... and after that, I hope to return to my online journal with a new outlook of... um... some sort.

So, as of midnight tonight until the end of Holy Week, I will be neither posting nor commenting on LiveJournal. Because I can't completely tear myself away from the 'net, I will in all likelihood still update my webpage from time to time. Also, since I want to know what is going on with your wedding plans and your pregnancy and your new relationship and your computer game and your concerts and your hickeys and your kids and your homework and your job, I'll read my friends list from time to time as well. I may even drop you a line, via email, to talk about what I read. I just won't be acting as odd_dog.

Though I hope you understand, this isn't really about you. I'll miss writing for and with all of you, but it's time to write for myself for a while. If you want to keep up with what's going on in my life, that's easy--I love hearing from anyone who reads this journal, and can always be reached at christine@fort.org . See ya at Easter!

So, first off, we're back on air! Out of the Loop is running from 12-1 every Tuesday, and from 1-2 on Tuesdays, Ammon and I are doing a talk show called "Get Lit"... about books, not weed. I made a demo tape of OOTL on our cool new Tascam taping equipment; kwigz, you'll get a copy in the near future. Others: according to Station Manager Noel, who is a very reliable boy, listening to KSMC online really does work with RealPlayer 10, so try it if you have the patience to deal with Real.

Second, I scored a bunch of free CDs at the station today, and checked many others out of the library *watches cred skyrocket; could really give a shit*

Third, today in Jane Ransom's workshop, which I like a lot so far, Jane brought in two decks of cards with words to use when stuck writing abstract poems. One deck was nouns, one verbs. I drew three verbs and two nouns. One of my nouns was "fishnets," which is along the lines of what I'm wearing. One of my verbs was "Take off your clothes."

Bella: i'm gonna be a rock star!
Bella: i am now lead singer of the slavic dept. indie rock band

My weekend was more than pleasant. First off, I DIYed my hair on Thursday before school. It doesn't look half bad... and hey, no one's complained, so. Thursday night was good, too. Aaron spun the new Modest Mouse at Popscene, and the rest of the night was equally decent.

Friday afternoon I did some work with Save the Bay. I was planning to stay in and clean in the evening, but got coerced into going out at the last minute. Eh, "coerced" is too strong a word. It was a good time.

Saturday Matty and I went to the SFSU Poetry Center benefit. We groused beforehand about the lack of vodka and cookies, but once it got going, it was really fucking good. Live readings by Michael McClure, Barbara Guest (for those of you into film, she's Christopher Guest's mom), Ishmael Reed, Adrienne Rich, and Robin Blaser were interwoven with taped readings (from the Poetry Center's kickass archives) by Robert Duncan, Langston Hughes, and so on. Aaaaaand outside in the hall, at the intermission, the aforementioned Adrienne Rich (a.k.a. one of my biggest living heroes) brushed right by me. I even said something to her before this dude came barging through the door of the auditorium, nearly knocking her over. Anyway, after the reading, Matt and I went to Safeway and procured some much-needed cookies and juice. Just like five-year-olds, except for the conversation.

Today I hung out with Anirvan and Barnali for a while, and then Anirvan and I drove to the City for the Alternative Press Expo. Not only did we run into azfactor, we did it while MEETING ALISON BECHDEL!!! Better yet, the amazing Alison Bechdel did Dykes to Watch Out For character sketches for us. Anirvan's is of Mo in a state of politically induced rage, and, given my love for graduate study, mine is of Sydney falling asleep over a book of theory. Alison needed me to pose for the sketch, so, unless she's erased it already, there's now a photo of me on her PowerShot 330s. Rawk. Anyway, here's what she drew...

( Sleeping Sydney )

On the ride back, Anirvan and I dished a bit more, during which time I forced him to listen to "How Was It For You?" and much giggling ensued. Yeah. Lately life feels a little like what I've been listening to: a bunch of James, set to random. What can I say? Much like CK's nachos, they're cheesy but good.

I guess spring is in the air or something... 'cause it seems like Berkeley has been getting pretty excited about baseball season.

But I digress. Tonight Matty and I are going to the Poetry Center benefit reading at SFSU. It feels really good to be shelling out $15 for a reading instead of a show, not that everything in my life is an either/or dilemma (note to self: stop thinking that!)... I mean, part of my thesis is gonna be about music culture, so. Anyway, tomorrow Anirvan and I are going to the Alternative Press Expo in the City. Alison Bechdel is gonna be there! I'm fleetingly tempted to dress like one of the characters from Dykes to Watch Out For, but I think that would be creepy.

I have the little zygotes of a few new poems incubating right now, and just stumbled upon some new ideas this evening. We'll see what happens, but at any rate, eight pages of freewrite a happy girl doth make.

No, really. Happy!! I hope all you couples out there had a good one... even if it wasn't as fun as mine. HA!

( notes on the Love Will Tear Us Apart party, complete with links to exciting photo footage )

Happy birthday nibot! And John!

I have to go over to Tom's during the day to help set up, and then be there early in the evening to start off the DJ action. Once things get going on the decks, I will be trading my car keys in for a stiff drink or three. So this is just a note to let everyone attending the party know that I will *not* be available as a designated driver that night.

For Berkeley folks with class passes who need to get back to the East Bay: I think the TransBay "A" line runs all night; if I remember correctly it meets right up with the 51 in Oakland. If there's no bus from the Sunset to the SF terminal at that hour, splitting a cab between several people shouldn't be too bad.

The party address is on the e-vite, and http://www.transitinfo.org is generally helpful for figuring out this kind of stuff. Or, if some of you want to carpool, feel free to arrange that amongst yourselves in the comments to this entry.

Looking forward to seeing you all there,
Christine