Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in BlueGirl's LiveJournal:

Friday, December 28th, 2001
4:02 pm	I'm back. I had abandoned the idea of writing this journal. Soon after my last post in June, things kind of turned around for me and I thought I was truly over my ex, whom I shall from here on out call "S". Obviously, this is not his real name. Think of it as a shortening of "snake in the grass." In the middle of September, S and I started writing and talking again. We even hung out at his apartment and watched movies a couple of times and one night had some really great sex. We've never had troubles there. ;) We were clear with one another that we weren't getting back together- we were just helping each other through a hard time. Anyway, we became friends again which was really wonderful for me. Unfortunately, he's started in with the mindgames again, even in this context of our being "just friends". I realized that I'm not 100% over him, because I am deeply hurt by the latest lies. So, I figure I should go ahead with my original idea of purging myself of the memories of him- both good and bad- in order to move on. I have someone really wonderful in my life and I don't want to fuck things up with him. I want to clear out my S closet. S is never going to be honest with me or anyone else. He can't even be honest with himself. It's sad, really.
Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
11:48 pm	Thunderstorms and Purpose Back again. We had a glorious thunderstorm last night that literally took my breath away a couple of times. Tonight, I thought we were in for the same, but the storm rolled away with only a few distant rumblings. Thunderstorms and fireworks are still mine. Mine. I watched "The Red Violin" on tv tonight. I really love this movie. It never ceases to amaze me that some people can't follow a plot like this. Watching movies like this makes me want to direct. This movie was once ours. My life is full of many good things. I wish this list still included a certain someone, but his actions and inactions dictated that he lose his ranking. I wish he hadn't lied. I wish he hadn't broken my heart. If you've stumbled across this journal, it isn't because I've told you. This journal is going to be my testament of what happened in what turned out to be the most devasting relationship of my life. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that. He'd never have the courage to admit to himself that he was at fault for anything anyway. Nothing is ever his fault. Right. I'm going to bring all of this to light, because he's never going to give me the peace of closure. I'm hoping by writing all of this in an unknown yet public forum that I can let go of my hopes and thus the pain associated with him. I really just want to feel nothing when I see him, or hear his name. I want my heart not to leap when he walks in the room, only to remember one moment later that he doesn't love me anymore. It's going to take a long time to do this, because we were together for almost two years, and I realize that a side effect may be that I never feel *anything* for anyone again, but I can't seem to find a way to have my love for him die. How can I love someone who has hurt me more than any other? I think it's because deep inside I believe he's a better person than he is in reality. I always want to see the best in people, to defend the underdog. In this case, I was bit. I'll start from the very beginning. I will use what emails and IMs I have saved to reconstruct the timeline day-by-day. This will be a thorough cleansing. It may be arduous for anyone to read, but this is really more for me than anyone else. I have this one place to deal with the past, the rest of my life is strictly partitioned for creating my future. The truth will set me free.
Friday, June 8th, 2001
1:51 am	My first post I just signed up for this and have some neat ideas as to what I'll do with this space. I'm really tired and heading to bed, but only because I've got an early morning tomorrow. This already feels comfortable. Welcome.