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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Zas' LiveJournal:
| Monday, April 19th, 2004 | |
| 9:13 pm | I was an incredible failure today. And I have comments/replies to make . . . But, alas! I am far, far too lazy . . . Flattery: I was walking across campas from the stadium trax to the art building when a woman about to pass me the opposite way moved in front of me with wide eyes and started gesturing for me to remove my headphones. I did so, waiting to see what was going on and she launched into a question/story: "You are the cutest girl! Where do you get your lipstick? I had a dream about you-" (her friend started laughing embarrassedly about this point- a sort of "why the hell are you bringing that up?" giggle)"-no really! I saw you on the Trax once and I wondered who that cute girl was and you were wearing the coolest shade of lipstick and I was tired and I fell asleep and then I dreamed about you- because of your lipstick- I was in the mall and I thought I woke up and you were above me and I was like wow. Where do you get your lipstick? You're the cutest girl!" =Major ego boost for the month. . . . And aren't you glad books and movies don't show real conversations? Because then people would be stumbling over their words all over the place and they'd be repeating everything and misusing words like crazy. Hmm . . . My art teacher made my heart purr today. He's such an interesting and fascinating man . . . We resurrected the kitty for today (this big earless plastic yellow cougar thing we practiced drawing earlier in the year . . .) I guess while us students were working, or at least pretending to be working, on that he went into another room and did a bunch of self-portraits . . . He still doesn't really talk to me anymore. Last week was depressing because I did the assignment but he didn't really comment on it during the critique which makes me paranoid- "Did I do this wrong? Does it just really suck?" This week were were putting all our shit up and I wandered over to the sink and he came by me and just put on of his self-portraits in my hand (They were way cool- sort of smeared acrylic just kinda stirred into an image- i think he may have had a lot of wet gesso down and then just mixed stuff into it, i don't know . . .) And he didn't really say anything, just put one into my hand then held up another for me to look at while I was holding the one . . . There were other students around us trying to wash their hands and stuff, too- so some popped over curiously and started talking. Then he said to me [as though their presence permitted him to begin speaking] "I like how I signed this one" about his third one- I'd noticed the signature right off while he was juggling the others between us, sort of. He'd just scraped out paint entirely to work his name into it, so the shiny metal part was showing through- he did them on lithowhatsits. So cool. Maybe he has the same three year-old toddler social skills as I? How amusing. Anyway, during the critique he said mine was done really well, drawingwise especially- and compared with other students I think I did great, too. I think I just kinda hunch over when people come by me while I'm working (My "fuck off" body signals- I'm telling you!) So they don't make any comments about my work and don't linger that long for fear I may turn and . . . Bite? I don't know. And because they don't say anything I think, "Oh, god! Is it really that awful? What's wrong with me! Why am I doing so horribly? 'Jesus! Why have you forsaken meeeeeeeee!'" Or something to that effect. (Egocentric who's the what now?) Current Mood: I'm made of the insecurity. Current Music: SayingThatHeLovesMeThatHe'sThinkingOfMeStraightAndToThePoint |
| 5:13 am | My gender studies teacher says "I don't hate men,
|
| 2:42 am | This affair that you're not having . . . ( . . . is it not with a man, or not with a woman? ) Current Mood:  mope |
| Friday, April 16th, 2004 | |
| 5:43 pm | And I'm in a good mood, so I decided to do it . . . Stolen from ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040420110131im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} limeststation, mental_erosion, and sarah_mitt . . . (And others, maybe?)I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. |
| 5:30 pm | Great person of the day . . . The woman who cut my hair kicked ass. I'm too shy to look at people enough to get good descriptions of them . . . From what I remember of her she had nice rich skin and long curly hair. She had a white lines over her top dark line of eyeliner and her lips were done a natural sort of red. I think she was hispanic, I don't know (or whatever the least offensive term is.) She seemed kinda young and really pretty. Not beautiful but she looked like a really nice person. She talked really low and was really clever. I mean, she asked me something that I realized a few minutes later was an attempt to find out a different sort of information. Tactful, that's the word I'm looking for. Her voice was really low, quiet, and soft but confident at the same time. Fascinating person- I really liked her. . . . And she charged me less than half the price I should have paid with the instructions: "shh!" :) Current Mood:  touched |
| 3:13 pm | I think I'll take a shower Throw some make up on and get a haircut . . . |
| Thursday, April 15th, 2004 | |
| 8:19 pm | Fuck elitists . . . If you can make someone like something they normally don't- now there's a challenge. . . . How far does attitude compensate, anyway? I get away with a lot. There's a couple things contributing to that one I suppose . . . Current Mood: ready to curl up into cozy bed |
| 3:10 pm | Recommended . . . But let's not pretend we're any better, eh? (edit: very cringe-worthy . . . read the brief description and consider the non-sugar-coated possibilities if the subject matter could get to you) Current Mood: Human. |
| 1:23 am | Sleepy sleepy sleepy . . . ( Future Member of the Household ) Current Mood:  sleepyCurrent Music: dancing on jesus saves |
| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004 | |
| 1:26 am | I think I need more self-control. ? |
| Tuesday, April 13th, 2004 | |
| 11:27 pm | I know what I want. But I don't seem to be doing anything to get it. I hate that I have to take precautions. Especially when they're such a hassle and I may just die before they ever amount to anything (if they do at all) anyway. I think I should check out some school clubs. Because I don't know. Because I don't know? My old best friend- She's still my best I suppose though I doubt I am to her . . . We used to just sit around and do nothing together. I miss lazy companionship. I miss knowing people who were like me. Heh. It would be nice to have someone nearby who I could relate to and especially if I could connect on an artistic level. And there's a lot I'm not saying . . . I'll go grab an entry that was private and post it and some relatable material. Current Mood: I wish I could be honest. |
| Sunday, April 11th, 2004 | |
| 9:58 pm | What does your dog think of this? Probably nothing. I don't know everything and don't trust my ability to know things . . . But as much as I'm inclined to believe this floor will remain stable, I am inclined to believe that animal intelligence- and ability to "feel"- varies greatly between animals (with humans very high-ranking.) . . . Bugs. Forget smooth transitions: that's what I want to talk about so I'm moving in that direction right now, thank-you. In the house my sister, her husband, and I lived in before we moved here I lived in the basement and there were a lot of spiders. Sometimes I'd see them on the wall and get a piece of tape and just stick it to the wall. My ex and sister both found that really sadistic . . . I don't think it's "sadistic" because I'm not taking pleasure in pain or intentionally causing it- I don't think it's really doing anything to the bug. The bug just is (as the tape just is, as they both just are, stuck to the walls . . . ;)) Their is an amount of guilt involved- but the guilt is only over the offense to others who view this as cruel . . . They're more "experiencing" creatures and they can experience pain. I would do anything likewise to a cat or a dog. Not even a mouse, or my nephew, or some other form of small rodent. I really enjoy making things that seem to experience pleasure experience it. In the Indian Art course, we studied in religious contexts- one video we watched (on Jainism, I think) included a group who had little brushes they used in the area to sleep before they lay down to make sure they didn't squish any small creatures. There was something about every creature having a right to life. Maybe I don't think there's a right- or even a privilege. It could be just luck. *shrug* Current Mood:  tired |
| 9:38 pm | Heh heh. I just flipped my hair. Anyway, awhile ago I was considering ranting something something and as I've no strong urges to do anything else at the moment . . . Reading/watching Contact- as well as my aliens' textbook and other input from elsewhere . . . It makes me really wish there was something more after life. I don't really care what, as long as I could experience the rest of the universe. What I would give for that! Possible twenty-five or thirty years of my life . . . I don't think the rest of my life right off . . . If I had a sense of direction I'd certainly give it all up. I guess because the wonder and the different possibilities of the unknown areas of existence matches that of the different possibilities of the unknown in my life path. But to be able to see what's only been imagined- much like having a time machine and going back (or forward) in time. Big jumps in history without going through some sort of gradual change which would deaden the differences. The idea of it . . . It strikes my core more than any of the times I thought I had an understanding of religion. Of course, that's probably just retrospective bias. In the same area, the certainty I had of different belief system's being true doesn't seem to match the certainty I now have with my own belief system (of nonbeliefs.) Retrospective bias again, maybe. But now there's more concrete logic going on, so it would be stronger . . . But then again, maybe I've just grown up. Someone else can most certainly devote the same amount of logic to different conclusions. It's weird how natural the idea of nothing now seems. Big, capitalized Something used to just make sense. It's really a mental thing over Truth. That seems to promote the nothing idea except maybe it does the Something as well- except lowercase. Who knows. Make-believe is fun, though. It's easy to pretend I matter. I can find things in people I've created if I look hard enough. I may not know some people very well but I know I've put something there- sometime's they don't notice it. It's a godlike sort of feeling. Very easy to convince oneself of their special circumstances. Because you make conclusions from your experiences and you've only experienced yourself and things from your perspective. It relates to the idea of humans getting the impression of their dominance which would make sense as we only experience things through ourselves. We think it's conclusive because it's universal- meaning caught onto by everyone. Unfortunately, "everyone" is made up entirely of humans. What does your dog think of this? |
| 9:33 pm | . . . somebody adopt me! I'm so ambitionless :P Current Mood: I just want to live . . . |
| 3:27 am | i'm so happy ! bwa bwa bwa Current Mood: [TonyTT]Grrrrrrr-eat![/TonyTT] Current Music: "you're-just-too- Ju'!too! . . . just too -Rreally, fuckNo!" |
| 1:37 am | |
| Saturday, April 10th, 2004 | |
| 1:48 am | And I'm so going to paint that german wheel guy. :) |
| 1:47 am | *hums* Don't mind me. |
| Friday, April 9th, 2004 | |
| 7:35 pm | . . . For the sixth update of the day . . . Cirque du Soleil's on tonight! Quidam! One of my favorites!! I'm properly armed with a blank vhs for this one. :) Oh, Bastek!!! If you're on and you read this and you don't have any plans (and you have Bravo) you have to catch this at nine tonight! So wonderful and artistically inspiring! :D Hmm . . . There's apparently a T.V. show that's starting on Sunday as well. -- Oh bloody hell. It's a Cirque du Soleil weekend! I can't have it all! :P Edit: At least I'll get Quidam at nine and Nouvelle Experience at midnight-- that latter one was the first I ever saw and has the chair balancing act with KICK ASS MUSIC that I've been lusting over for quite some time now. :D Current Mood:  excited |
| 5:29 pm | Oh. Well . . . Fuck. My AIM Buddy's list is cleared. Apparently I accidently put it to "login automatically" when I was down at my parent's house and my mother got on the computer, and, having no idea what the hell that was, deleted my buddy list. Now that's amusing. I just hope weirdopervertedfuck didn't find the time to email my mother . . . The lady worries me enough with her absent-minded frailness, I'd rather not be responsible (indirectly, or not) for a heart attack. Unfortunately, I'm far too lazy to do anything about the list, for the moment. I called home and gave my little brother instructions to turn off the automatic sign-on feature . . . Beyond that, meh- There's this thing called caring that I'm having a hard time doing. Current things to attempt overusing: Smiley faces. Beginning every sentence with "I." Trailing off. ( . . . 's) Current Mood: blah |
