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[21 Oct 2004|01:37pm] |
I'm happy
I'm in the best mood
I have endless smiles to give to doubters
I don't fear
I won't worry
I cannot grasp the concept of loneliness
I find peace in my life
I am filled with hope
I'm strong
I know what love feels like
I can win
I'm brave
I have all the answers
I know exactly who I am
I stand steady
I never lie
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| I love how easy these make it to update |
[15 Oct 2004|11:59am] |
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( quizzy thinger )
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[14 Oct 2004|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 beyond tired |
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music |
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Hyde - Shining Over You |
] |
Ignore my layout for now. It's looking all crappy. I need to work on this... but the tired just won, and I'm going to bed. Oyasumi~
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[13 Oct 2004|12:16am] |
Here is good news!
+I-am-SO-proud We are bringing Merritt to the dark side. The other day Merrit and I were talking and I mentioned to him that I prefer to read good fanfiction over watching porn any day. Intrigued by this he asked me why. As an answer I handed him some fiction I had been reading (ruinfea's current hydextetsu) and told him to read it. He did, and loved it (and DEMANDED that I give him more printouts as soon as possible). Ok, so that was step one. What is step two you ask? I made him a CD of different Laruku clips and PV's. He loved them too!!! He even said that he really likes thier music (this is an amazing shock to me since as far as I know he only likes techno)! Melanie and I have decided that for step three we will now make him a mixed CD so he will listen to them... and CONVERT!
+Melanie and I pre-ordered the Otakon DVD today *does a happy dance sickeningly close to Kens version of the macarena at Rock Odyssey 2004*
~ahem~
+I also (and Melly Mel too) got 100% on my first Japanese Test! Yay! *thinks about doing happy dance*...*spares you*
fin
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| I was born for seeing you |
[01 Oct 2004|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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 19691003 |
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music |
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Hyde - Shallow Sleep |
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well, now that I am no longer in hell and have finished eating my banana in honor of this day (thank you Melanie)...
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| 何時ですか? time to die. |
[28 Sep 2004|01:12pm] |
I was up till 6 last night studying for my Japanese test Melanie and I were convinced was taking place today. I'm suffering a ridiculously bad head ache and my eyes feel like they are bleeding. *sigh* the test wasn't even today. It was on thursday... but she moved it... and now it's going to be in two thursdays. I HAVE A FRICKEN WEEK AND A HALF AND I FREAKED OUT AND STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FOR NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!!!!
*ahem*
anyhow... moving on.
Work was fun yesterday. The power went out so copymax had no copiers or computers and when the power decided to come back on at around 7 I found a ton of e-mail orders waiting for me and pushed about $700 of work until I left (at 11-ish... instead of 9:30 like nearly everyone else (I'm soooo sorry Melanie for making you wait like that!))
I have to go now... I have a make-up test to take for Math... then after that I have Math, where I will be having another test, BAH!
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[26 Sep 2004|01:55am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Iron and Wine - "Such Great Hieghts" |
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The other night after working inventory Melanie and I stayed till about 4 in the morning talking to Merrit, Ryan, and Ken in the parking lot. It was freezing cold but I was having a really good time. It was cool to just hang out, though if we had all known we were going to end up leaning/standing/sitting there for that long we would have moved to someplace warm... perhaps with coffee...
Melanie and I headed into Ann Arbor to go to WizzyWig today since we havn't stopped there in a while. I picked up the second Disk of FLCL and about $20 worth of candy. After WizzyWig we got some lunch at the Blue Nile. We walked around a bit after that, checking out a few of the local gift shops while the city wound down. After all that we headed to my house where we dropped more money online on L'arc/Hyde merch. I picked up Hyde - 666, because I really wanted to have a real copy of it, and someone had it up on e-bay for relatively cheap. I'm also going to be getting Roentgen (english version). I feel bad that most of my larc/hyde cd's are pirated, so slowly I am buying real copies off all of them... it just takes time (seeing as it's hard to obtain these things in the states) and money (which I NEVER seem to have).
( survey I stole from a friend of a friend )
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| math, sperm counts, and gay porn |
[19 Sep 2004|01:44pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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L'Arc~en~ciel - Lover Boy |
] |
Last night after the meeting at work Melanie and I were invited to go to fridays with everyone. While part of me wanted to go... the other part of me (who eventually won, and by eventually, I mean before my afore mentioned part had a chance to speak) remembered that my funds are currently at a count of zero, and that there were a few too many people going to this gathereing to make for a comfortable evening. So, we didn't go and carried on with our plans to head to my abode.
Just as pulling into my drive inspector gadget started playing in my purse. It seems that Kyle was going to be over at Ians and that they wanted us to come over. Melanie and I still had things to attend to so we hung out at my hose for a while longer and I finally gave her my graphing claculator and we were on our way.
It was good to be at Ians after not having been there for a while. I laughed more then I have in a bit of time. Kyle worked on his Math which Melanie and I tried to help him with. We decided that when out of fingers and toes you can count, breasts, testies, peni, labia, and sperm (there are other things as well you may count... don't limit yourself kids!).
While exploring the depths of Melanies video collection we discovered the disk of gay porn that Merritt indirectly had compiled for us. This is the PERFECT opportunity to begin implementing our new mathimatical counting methods! We watched the porn... MUCH better then the last one we watched with the hairy grunty old men... (is it a normal opperating friendship when you gather and watch gay porn in large groups?)
*not so random thought - yes... we do need penis'*
Anyhow, I have to get going because I have to work -_-
at least I'm working with Melanie... *waves to Melanie* see you in HELL!
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| I want to go be a monk and draw pictures with sand... |
[18 Sep 2004|02:15pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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Hyde - Words of Love |
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I skimmed over my journal. I have read it... and I have felt like such-a-fucking-loser.
I realize that if you do not know me and you read my journal you would think that I am either pissed off or depressed all the time and the only other times I am posting is when I have icons or memes which both completely lack substance.
I'm NOT pissed off dammit! and for the time being... I'm not all that depressed either. I really do have a life and for the most part enjoy living it. I may not be the most positive person in the world, but I'm not the most negative either.
random thought: to whom is may concern... and I know it concerns you (No, not you... her. Yeah, you.) Anyway, please note that I now when putting any conscious effort forth at all, always put a space after my dot dot dot's. I also make an effort, although sometimes I fail, to only use three dot's. ALSO! I try REALLY HARD not to use them ALL THE TIME... but... well... yeah...
I meant what I said in my last journal entry though... about being boring. I really do feel that way... not in a down on myself-maybe I'm a waste and shouldn't exist way (because you need boring people in order to make non-boring people more interesting), but in a matter-of-fact, I'm really boring way. I don't do anything cool. I used to be funny... but nothing really seems funny anymore. I used to think I could draw, and write, and sing and do all sorts of things and I thought that these things made me interesting. Then I realized I can't really do these things well, and that isn't interesting, it's pathetic and sad.
I don't think the same way that alot of people do. Melanie and I have had this talk a few times. It isn't something you can tell just by looking at me/us. Melanie says that we really are cool and interesting, but you only get to know that if you get to really know us... otherwise you look over it. I want to think Melanie is right.
I need to become a rock star. And I need to have a talk show. Thats where I will find my happiness. Who gives a shit that I have no talents that could lead me to this place.
anyhow. I'm going to be writing more often. And I'm not going to be all depressed and pissed off all the time. and I'm going to put spaces after my dots. Also... I'm going to say ru-ined. ru-ined
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[15 Sep 2004|11:27pm] |
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I'm so boring
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| Hey! look at me with the update! |
[09 Sep 2004|02:16pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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HYDE - New Days Dawn |
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I haven't had time much for updates lately but... I thought I would let all you people know whats going on with me right now...
I'm taking Japanese - something I've wanted to do for a while now and am really happy I am getting to. Melanie(4am_secret) is taking it with me and even though she is a smarty pants and understands everthing way better/faster then I ever could I'm enjoying it alot. I'm hoping that Kyle (read: Kale) is going to be able to help me out alot when I start hating everything that was ever japanese because I am too vacant to grasp a certain kanji.
It seems like I havn't seen a lot of people in a long time, even though it hasn't really been that long. I miss you Jeremy, I'll call you when the time finds me I promise. I havn't seen Ian in forever either but even thinking about driving out to see him seems to take too much time these days. I hate being busy.
I'm attempting to write a fan fic (very scary for me). I'm acctually trying two. A Gakuhai and a Haitsu. I want to finish the Haitsu one fist...but I didn't get very far and got very frustrated at the way things were going and felt insulted that as the writer I couldn't make it do what i wanted. So I stopped for a while and am hoping to resume it tonight and maybe I will be posting it soon.
I'm really hungry - it doesn't really matter that I just ate two hotdogs (which... I didn't even want hotdogs... but it was all this house had. I don't even have any ramen anymore...(damn dad eating all my food...)). I'm still hunrgy... and I want sushi. I want to go to Cherry Blossom. Hey, I get paid tomorrow... Melanie... Cherry Blossom - me - you - lunch - gonna happen.
I soppose I should leave for work now *don't wanna*.
Well there is my update that sucks and makes me feel even more boring then I did before I wrote it. HA! I'm a loser...
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| Can you love me when I'm sad? |
[01 Sep 2004|02:13am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Words of Love - Hyde |
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hold off going to bed until you cannot help but give into the sleep...reluctantly go to the place you hate the most, bed...pretend to be loved...hold self...cry to sleep. It's this pattern that never ends...that never frees me. My bed is the loneliest place I know. I'm sick of pretending...but I'm afraid to just be at night. I'm afraid not to try to make this pain better. I'm afraid to let it go...I'm afraid.
I wanted to call you. Not just once, but always. I wanted to remind you of times that we had. I wanted to see if you needed reminding. wanted. now I want to forget. I don't want you to be reminded or hold any memories of us at all. I don't want anyone to know that we ever knew each other well. It's almost an insult to think that we once knew each other well. I envy you, and the fact that you gave it all up without giving a shit...the fact that you currently don't give a shit and I'm sitting here typing to myself to try to get things off my chest that never should have been there in the first place. I'm bitter. I'm pissed because I'm supposed to be the one who is calm and cool. I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't feel...the one that never cares...the one that needs no taking care of. Why do I want someone to take care of me so badly? I don't need it! I don't need you! I just don't want to cry anymore.
I wish all the time that I could kill myself with no guilt. Isn't that a stupid thought? If I were dead...wouldn't I cease to have the ability to feel guilt? But still...it scares me. That I might feel guilty afterward. It scares me more however...that things would go unchanged. This one is not a stupid thought, it is a selfish one. I would hope...that in some way, something, would change. I wouldn't mind if no-one came to my funeral, if no-one missed me after I was gone...but if nothing changed...if not even a flower died...if the wind didn't even shift...it would ruin me. I think sometimes that in the middle of a good day...I should let myself die happy. I have visions of myself...enjoying company with my friends...and drifting off to sleep like I always seem to...the only place where I can really sleep, feeling comforted...and never awake. To just let myself die there. It would be perfect. But I never do it...it isn't only the fear...it's the common sense. The fact that for me things just can't be that simple. That whether I want to or not...I will be returning to that inevitable place at least once more...alone, at least once more...everynight. And I hate you for it. It isn't your fault...how could it be...but I will blame you...you took the only good things I had left in me. Yes, I blame you.
I have no will. I have no requests...I have only hope that the wind will change. 'night' for another night...I'll be going there at least once more.
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| Icons...they need to go |
[24 Aug 2004|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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crucify my love - X-Japan |
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Normally, I would just post the icons geared toward a specific community in the community they were geared toward...(um...did that make sense?)
anyhow...I decided that I was too lazy to do that...so this is going to be a mass icon post...here goes...
( icons! )
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| grumble |
[19 Aug 2004|10:18am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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why am I awake? oh yeah...thats right.
First...my alarm went off...because I made the mistake of not shutting it off before I went to bed last night. It was very insulting when I woke up and in my confused state thought the horrid noise was coming for my cd player. I began to hit my cd player in various places until I remembered how to shut it off...and when I did...the noise persisted. Thats when I discovered the true culprit...and it got thrown.
Then...Melanie called me. She forgot that today was friday and that I do not have class. She called me thinking I would be awake...which...I kind of was...having not sunk completely back into slumber after the alarm incident. I can't remember what we talked about...
After I got off the phone with Melanie...my alarm clock...which I failed to shut off before I threw chimed in for it's second round. I practically fell out of bed in fury, shut it OFF, then threw it out into the hallway. Stomping back to my bed (as much as one can stomp when they are nearly incapacitated by their exhaustion) I threw myself in with my covers and pillows and drifted off again.
Then I had a figure looming over my bed.
"what. WHAT?!?!" I screamed at afore mentioned looming figure.
"um...your father and I are leaving now"
"ok" (I was so pissed...why the hell would I care that they were leaving for work?! They left every day without a word...why today...why?) She leaned over and kissed my forehead.
"I'm tired...leave me alone...have fun at church" (my mom is a pastoral minister)
"No...we are leaving for Niagara Falls...didn't your dad tell you?"
"What? no...ok...have fun there" (I was far too tired for anything else...all this conversation was making my head hurt)
"Do you need a suit case?" I added...since I still had one I took to Otakon with me in my room.
"No we have one" then she left.
I drifted off to sleep again before she even shut the door.
THEN...a loud and obtrusive *knock, knock* was heard coming from my door.
"why..." was all I could manage to say
they must have mistook my why for a what and I heard my father ask for a suitcase. God Fucking Damnit!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
I once again made my way out of bed, grace eluding me, and grabbed the suit case. I shoved it out my door at him and looked at him with my sleep glazed eyes. I couldn't focus on him...not only the sleep but also lack of glasses inhibiting me, but I tried my best.
"have fun" while shutting the door in his face. Before I made it to my bed, my door was once again opened. He wanted me to take the TAGS off the SUITCASE!!! How was that important enough to keep me from sleep! HOW? Why couldn't he take them off himself?!
I admitted defeat. I took the tags off the suitcase. And here I am. Awake.
So I guess my parents are in Niagara Falls? All I know is they are gone for the weekend.
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| *humph* |
[14 Aug 2004|12:13am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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so I havn't writen here in a while. I really have nothing to say. The concert was amazing which I am sure everyone who knows me has heard more then once. I was writing a post about it but realized it was taking me ten million years...and even if I put it behind a cut the majority of the people who dared peek behind it would for sure beat me and leave me for dead in a rest stop bathroom.
I was never one of those girls to obsess over a boy, or a band, or anything for that matter. I was never one of those girls. I was very shocked to find my self taken by L'Arc~en~ciel and everything related to the extreem that I was/am, especially ever so quikly. Even though I was never one of those girls, I had become one of those girls. I cried when I saw L'Arc hit the stage. I almost didn't beleive that these people were real. I'm still not sure that they are.
My point is...that I was never one of those girls, and I had been sad, not finding joy in anything. I didn't trust that I had real feelings - so many of the ones I display are out of courtesy. When I saw them hit the stage, I cried out of happiness - I balled out of happiness. It certainly wasn't out of courtesy, rather, in spite of my futile attemps to resist the feeling in itself. I didn't want to be one of those girls. But after I become one...I found myself happier. I've taken myself back to that moment, to the way I felt so many times...and I still can't grasp it.
I feel stupid in admitting this...because it sounds so trite and impossible, but this band, this group of amazing people, they pulled me out of something I was so lost in...I'de forgetton I was there. Sadly however, and perhaps this makes me selfish, now that I have had this moment...even some of the best days feel mediocre. Everything feels even less enjoyable because I have something too great to compare it to. I didn't really feel this way until the other day...all days from the concert until then being the best I've felt in my life. But I realized that with everyday that passes...the more this experience becomes something that happened to me in the past. It makes me incredibly sad.
I miss people. I will continue to miss people, and times. I know that I can't have them back. I am grotequely lonily and grotesquely tired which I am sure is why I have begun to feel down, and attempt to babble my way to making sense of it. I shall stop now...
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| now that it's one in the morning....now that it's Wednesday..... |
[27 Jul 2004|01:01am] |
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mood |
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music |
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L'arc - Stay Away |
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you: hey Natalie....one day till what?
me: Um...hello...one day till all my dreams are fulfilled? One day until heaven itself opens up and lets it's angels play with us mortals for a day? One day till I might be compelled to beleive once more in the God I gave up on? One day till my fangirldom is writen in stone? One day...ONE FUCKING DAY....*grits teeth*...*speaks as calm as possible through gitted teeth*...one day...until I leave, for Otakon, to see the man who brought the insane in me out to play...and made me like it.
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| ! |
[18 Jul 2004|02:37am] |
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mood |
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excited-pissed-tired |
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music |
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L'arc~en~ciel - Feeling Fine |
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Well....I'm getting so excited for Otakon I feel like I'm going to puke every day. I get myself so worked up over it...I can't take it.
I've been making some icons lately...I don't want to post them until I have a whole bunch though...like 20...or something....but...I'm having a problem. I can't get any pictures to save as jpegs...I don't know why....everything wants to save as art or bitmap...I'm getting so pissed. I think I'm going to try to play with some pictures at work and save them on a disk for myself tomorrow. Then I will make all kinds of icon-y goodness :)
I'm going to Cedar Point on tuesday with Melanie...this should be much fun...though...I may be miserable with a lack of clothing that compliments summer weather to wear. Since I avoid the outdoors and the sun in general like the plague...my wardrobe never did much to keep the heat of the sun from killing me. I am going to try to remedy this with a quik and to the point shopping run tomorrow between class and work....speaking of which...I should get to bed...i'ts 3...and I have class at 9...eep!
night!
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[12 Jul 2004|10:40pm] |
I hurt all the time. Most nights I just want to slit my wrists and go to bed, never to have the burden of waking again.
It's best you ignore I said that...just tired and venting...
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| :) |
[05 Jul 2004|03:03pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Hyde - Hideaway |
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So last night my little shindig didn't work the way I wanted it to.
it turned out better ^_^
The weather did not permit my fire and Melanie didn't feel good so she wasn't going to come....because it was going to suck I called Jeremy and let him no he probably didn't want to go either. Then I called Kyle and we decided to just meet up over at Ians.
Before i went to Ians I stopped by Jessica's and said hello to a few people..I only stayed for a few moments then headed out to Ians.
At Ian's was Dean, Kyle, Ian (obviously), and me. I had a really good time. I got to hang out with Dean which is always nice and always rare. I had fun discussing J-rock and the like. And we played Siren...which is always fun.
Tonight I had a really good time too. I went over to Jessica's house....where Ray (new to me), Brandon (new to me), Danielle, and Jeremy were already there. we just hang around for a short bit and soon after Ron (havn't seen in YEARS) and Aaron (new to me) showed up. Then we headed downstairs and hung out for a while when Kelly showed up. We were all sitting around and talking, not so much about anything but it was still good. I harped on Brandon a little bit...but I think he liked it so thats ok. I felt social for the first time in a long time. Normally when there are so many people I don't know I cling to someone I do and I don't talk to the new people at all. But I did talk to them...and it was fun. Then Paul and his posse showed up...we wont go into why that didn't last long. There was a small moment toward the end there where I got scared that things were going to start sucking alot...but it actually got brushed aside pretty quikly. Ron tried to give me a hug and (we all know me) I cowered in fear and told him that I don't touch people I don't know. He apologized (which was totally uncalled for...I'm the wierdo, not him). I was nervous that it was going to spark the need for him to ask me about it or talk about (which I don't really like explaining to people that I'm a huge freak)...but he let it go after the apology and I couldn't have been happier.
I would have loved to talk in more detail about this...but it's going to be 4 soon and I have my first day of english @ 9:30 (I don't want to go o_O (but I gotta))
ciao
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