The Cure in Phoenix were the best I’ve seen them since the Trilogy Shows in Germany. The crowd was electric and the band clearly appreciated the noise and in response treated us to an extended set of encores that ended with a rare airing of “Forever” that included a few lyrics from the B-Side “2 Late.”

Saw “Garden State” and thought it was brilliant (not just because of Natalie Portman), as was the beautiful Chinese film “Hero” which returns Jet Li to a style he should have never abandoned for his lifeless characters in Hip-Hop Hollywood Kung Fu films.

Writing continues on a good pace (I’d say brisk but nothing comes that quickly when I’m involved). Work in earnest on the forever delayed musical project is also in full swing along with developments that might find me involved in an avant-garde noisemaking group with a couple of brilliant local musicians.

What I wouldn't give to be able to quit my job to have the time... someday perhaps.

I can’t think of the right words to explain how derailed I feel tonight. No matter how I try to add 1 + 1 I keep coming up with train wrecks. Is there anything worse than seeing what a person wants from you and knowing that you can’t give it to them? So you in return wonder if everything you want from someone else is impossible as well.

I’m not good when it comes to hope. I am excellent when it comes to cynicism.

This is/isn’t about Wren. This is about me, issues of abandonment and a lack of self worth.

Please slow down the ride; I’m getting too sick to enjoy my life.

I suppose someone might wonder how I am doing after a week without Wren. I’ve tried to keep busy and not think about it all that much. We’ve talked a couple times and those conversations have been lovely. My tired paranoia does send the mind off in ridiculous directions at all but generally speaking rationality wins out after an hour or so.

Work feels more and more grinding and repetitive than it ever has. I’m running off fumes, my attention is a thousand miles away. There are those who think I will be working on this side of the music business for the rest of my life; I am not one of them.

I continue to work on my latest story Insignificance. Originally the idea was for it to be a short but it is looking to be more of a novella. I have 30 pages of written material and at least another 15 mapped out.

I’ve started to go in and re-record all the music I’ve been playing with over the past few years. It has been invigorating to re-work many of the songs. No promises this time around but I think that there will be some positive results to speak of in the not so distant future. You can expect to be slaughtered with a rampant media campaign and merchandising that will hopefully live up to the classic <rosettastone> items that inspired them.

I’m also seriously considering setting up a website that would feature all of my writing that I have done for SLUG over the past few years (interviews/reviews both published and those few that never made it to press). Is this something anyone would want to visit or should I put my tail between my legs and return to obscurity?

Bursts of rain have dominated the evening. Like sudden rushes of emotion they come out of nowhere and rap against your windows. Or perhaps they appear like girls from Austin dressed up like a Tim Burton sketch with the Jaws of Life in tow to pry at your heart.

Wren has gone; taking away with her the magic that consumed my summer.

I foolishly thought that I could last a few days before noticing that she had in fact left the building (quite literally). I lasted a handful of hours before feeling the space around me. Most of which I was asleep in the wake of her last visit. Amazing how in the last moments, when you are pressed up against the end of a chapter you suddenly see things clearly. You find yourself wanting just another 15 minutes so you can gather your thoughts (mine tend be very s c a t t e r e d as you can by now tell) and construct that perfect sentence that sums up everything you are feeling and all you can get out is something inane. Not that I remember any of what I said. I was too busy trying to be all tough and stoic.

Yet, I find that I am rather happy. Missing her only reminds me all the more of what a welcomed addition to my life she has been. Besides the month before me is a high wire act. Well, not really but it sounded more poetic than “busy” or “jam packed.” Not that it is really all that full to be frank but the presence of three Cure shows in three different cities makes it look a little more bulky than it truly is. Perhaps in September I’ll go to Texas and see more than an airport.

Wren called tonight to let me know that she made it back to Austin. Part of me wanted her to say she was stuck in Provo and needed me to come and pick her up. When I told her this her response was, “I’d be pretty stupid if it took me two days to realize that.” Thankfully Wren isn’t stupid in the least.

What I like most about Wren and the relationship we have been building is that neither one of us needs the other to give their life meaning or substance. She isn’t waiting for fireworks and I’m not starving for anything more than a warm touch and a soft smile. That and I think the two of us could cause quite the revolution if we put our minds to it. After all who wants a life that doesn’t make a little noise?

I don’t.

On Tuesday Wren, her brother, sister mother and I went to Lagoon (a local theme park) and with two digital cameras and a whole lot of improvisation gorilla’d a music video for her song “Shipwrecked.” Essentially I was cast as the “dejected/rejected boyfriend” which as was pointed out to me a day or two ago isn’t exactly the best way to try and get a relationship off the ground. The irony of course is that while acting numb and distant I was actually having a fantastic time.

Our time together this week has been very limited. The last week of a rather extended vacation tends to be packed with all the things that you’ve intended to do since the day you arrived. I myself have faced this situation a number of times. So to that end it hasn’t been as frustrating as it could be. Not to say that it isn’t frustrating when you want to be around someone and can’t be. It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t watching the sand fall in the hourglass.

Yesterday I watched her play an hour long set outside of a coffee shop. I enjoy watching her play. Some people were born to be accountants Miss Wren was not one of them. Afterwards she was whisked away to Provo to be with family leaving my night rather empty… which lead to me spending my time on itunes downloading exclusive tracks from The Cure and The Church.

She will be gone on Monday. I should be able to see her tomorrow (Sunday). It is all so fleeting. I’m not in love, but I’m completely enamored with her. I wish that every minute spent with her lasted two.

time slips away so quickly, too quickly. you wake up and a month is on the verge of ending and you can’t quite remember when it all began. i’ve taken any moment i could steal from Wren (never enough). she is magical to me. it isn’t some kind of voodoo or mirrors and smoke; it is far more whimsical, frantic and swirled like peppermint.

you can’t predict this. life is one fleeting moment devoured by another.

in a weeks time she is returning to Austin to pick up the life she sat aside for a couple of months. she may return in October, but i tend to keep my hopes muted.

i’ll try to distract myself with Curiosa and whatever it takes to forget that for awhile the empty space that lingers was replaced by a beautiful woman who knocked on my door one Sunday afternoon and somehow changed the patterns of the tide…  

i could try to say more, but it isn’t in me. i haven’t the words to explain how wonderful and frightening the past month has been. it has been years since i felt so terribly awkward and excited while standing next to someone. the perpetual mix of joy and fear as you throw aside the balancing of risk vs reward and dive head first into what might come.

if nothing else i’ll have the scars to prove that i was once alive.

Wren was off to a wedding so I knew we wouldn’t be watching a late night film together (last night it was Peter Brook’s take on The Lord of the Flies) so I went and had curry chicken with cheesesuede . Afterwards I made my way to the annual Dark Arts Festival. I wasn’t over anxious to get there but I figured it would make for a better evening than me sitting around alone in a rather spent and unartistic mood. It was nice to see The Last Dance again seeing as it had been 7 or so years since I saw them with Switchblade Symphony in Los Angeles. Bella Morte also popped up as the “mystery band” but the only real surprise was that half the band were wearing zombina  t-shirts. That dead-alive girl is everywhere.

while driving to Denver on my birthday i listened to the head on the door for the first time in ages. i found myself wanting to hear songs in that sort of style again, never expecting it to happen really... but after listening to the new Cure album for the past 6 or so hours i can honestly say that there are many moments that remind me of the the top, the head on the door and kiss me kiss me kiss me era recordings. it is easily the most reckless album they've released since the 80's.

so here we find june nearly over and i haven't posted in quite some time. i wish i could tell you i've been overly productive but june has proven to be a fairly lazy month. for my birthday my friend Maddy and i went to Denver to see Franz Ferdinand at the blue bird. i'm not a huge fan and up until the very last moment it didn't look like i was actually going but there i was up at 5 am on my birthday rolling out of bed to get into an 8 hour drive.

the trip would prove to be entertaining, both Bothers & Sisters (opening act) and Franz Ferdinand were quite good live and made for some wonderful conversation afterwards. I couldn't help but feel like some kid in England would have traded away his soul for the chance to hang out with Franz Ferdinand on their birthday so I tried to not just let the moment completely slip on by.

since then? oh dear I really don't know. i interviewed for a job at the virgin megastore and the first interview went well but the second one fell flat and since i haven't heard anything in a week i assume that nothing is going to happen there. work is as it seems to always be.. still there and rather unrewarding.

i've been spending a lot of time with Wren lately. a little over a week ago she knocked on my door and since hardly a day passes that we don't talk. she is spending the summer in her sister's condo which is just downstairs from mine. i don't know many people in my building (shut in) but i have had some nice conversations with the sister and her husband. they have been working on  a film on a group of women snowboarders for well over a year and has seen them fly over to Europe a number of times for various competitions.

my 10 year reunion is a little over a week away and considering it is taking place all of two blocks from where i live i figure i had better go (that and i continue to claim i don't want to be 50 and feel like i missed something simply because i was too lazy to go even though it was a very easy thing to do). there have been times when i haven't been very proud of myself or my life. with all the faith and hope people have put in me i should somewhere other than here (undefined really)... yet i think that the past 10 years have been full, even if there is very little to show for the adventures and heartache. so if they ask what i've done with my 10 years.. i'll just tell them i've lived in the constant reckless search for happiness and once and awhile i found it. 

i've been busy as of late with much on my mind and distractions running full sprint from all directions

i'm in an odd place in my life and i don't quite know what comes next... does anyone ever know what comes next? all the little changes have yet to come together as something full, just touches of advance and retreat

it is my mother's birthday. if you don't know my mother it is a shame because frankly she is the most wonderful person i have ever known.

Just got off the phone with Edward Ka-Spel of The Legendary Pink Dots and must admit I found him more warm and personable that I initially expected. Anyone interested in the content of our conversation need only wait until early June.

I was offered a job yesterday, the money is a little bit better but in many ways it would be more of a step to the side than it would be a move forward. I am in the process of trying to decide what I want to do. It is nice to be wanted, yet the real question is: Do I want to be wanted by them?

Last time I said anything life was in disarray. A few days later things have calmed a bit, although I’d be hard pressed to think of anything in my life being all that organized at this point.

There has been a lot of talk and happiness regarding the Curiosa festival. The only real question is determining how many of the shows I will be able to catch. I’d like to see at least 3. Currently I’m looking at Denver, Salt Lake and waiting to see if a Phoenix or Las Vegas date pops up in the next few days.

In other "news" I’m looking forward to the chance to work with painamplifier on a new track for possible inclusion on his next Lapsed release.  I know I haven't talked about the music I've been working on as of late (not that anything tends to surface anyway) but last night I started in on a song that I'm calling "Saddest" although "Sadist" might be a better title. Any issues I might have had with my friends at Slug Magazine have been resolved (due mostly to me sorting out my paranoia and derailed emotions). The story I have been writing for grammargirl has become a more detailed affair than I intended. Point of view has been an issue, which I think I have cleared up. A few of the chain of events remain missing. Today I intend on printing out everything I have written thus far, cutting it up and grouping scenes together. Sometimes you have to be reminded of what you've only written in your head.

As far as Coachella goes I can honestly say I had a wonderful time with a few odd moments here and there. I don't think I've ever been offered more drinks and a vast variety of drugs in my life. I nearly felt guilty for not taking any of them.