Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.

This post was affected by P.I.M.P. (Snoop Dogg Remix) from the album P.I.M.P. (New Version) by 50 Cent

Pre-Hyptnotized Peter


What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This post was influenced by Why Does This Always Happen to Me? from the album Poodle Hat by "Weird Al" Yankovic & Ben Folds

That's right folks, I am the big Three Five today!!!! 35 years old. I have no major plans or anything, just a restful evening at home.

Funny how you spend your whole adult life being chased down by a woman and when you finally give in and make the changes that they want, they get bored and leave. Women are evil, I am convinced. My ex fooled me for 10 years and as a result, I supported her thru college, paid of over 20k in credit card debt that she brought into the relationship and in the end she leaves me. She left literally 4 months after we bought a house, after I had to take a job that paid less than hers(for the first time in our relationship) and after her credit debt was finally paid off. I lived thru 8 years of her weight spiraling out of control and never said a word. She got up to 235 at one point and I still stayed silent. I worried about her from a health standpoint but never felt like I was being slighted. 2 months after she was able to shed the size 18 for a size 6, she bolted. Apparently, she was cheating on me back when I was working the dream job and paying off chunks of her debt at a time but she didn't feel the urge to leave then. I wonder why. The only answer that I can come up with is that she is a woman, she is evil and manipulative and wanted to make sure she could get her debt paid off before she bolted. Know this, I have never been slighted without reprisal. It will come but I am going to be patient, run all of the scenario's and once I determine the best plan and enough time has passed that it will not be expected, I will have satisfaction. I want to make sure that the parties involved have their lives thrown out of control where they just have to live with the aftermath of my choices as I have theirs. I say this because I have determined that the only way I can get closure on this situation is either for her to be honest with me and tell me everything or for me to cause so much havoc and chaos in their lives that they remember the mistakes they made for the rest of their lives. Since my plea's for her to come clean have only lead to her acting like a sleazy politician and dancing around issues and treating me like I am a fool, I will have to settle for the only other satisfaction I can think of.

This post was affected by (Let Me Up) I've Had Enough from the album Ledbetter Heights by Kenny Wayne Shepherd

Pat Tillman quit the NFL in May of 2002 to enlist in the Army. This is a man who turned down a $3.6 million dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals to oblige what he felt was a duty to his country. He joined as an enlisted man in the Army and went to Afghanistan as an Army Ranger.

Whether you agree with the actions our military has taken in Afghanistan or not, this man did something selfless when he had every opportunity to not only avoid it but to live the life of an NFL star. My thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. He is a true hero and should be recognized as such.

Related Link: ESPN - Tillman Killed while Serving as Army Ranger

Should I die unexpectedly someday please make sure someone knows to play this song at my funeral. It is from the album Whisper Tames the Lion by Drivin N' Cryin.
Check Your Tears by Drivin N' Cryin

All my friends are crying, but do they cry for me?
For I'm standing at the pearly gates,
With centuries ahead of me
Don't cry for me I'm happy, I'm finally back home
I talked to Houdini yesterday
And my father's father's mom
Oh I'm back home, so check your tears at the door
Oh I'm back home, so check your..
The morning in the morning, sulking in the afternoon
Just pick up your head and laugh so hard
It echoes around the globe
'Cause I'm not coming back, but someday you'll be here
So I'll just wait as they waited for me
And we'll sing that song and cheer
Oh I'm back home, so check your tears at the door
Oh I'm back home, so check your...
It's the little things that I remember best
Not the holidays or the ways in the days
that you walked by my door
But sitting in front of the tv holding hands
Sitting in the kitchen making all of our plans
Whoa...Whoa...Whoa...
I've got so much to learn here
Don't worry about me I'm fine
Just check your tears at the door
When you leave, and get on with your life
Oh I'm back home, so check your tears at the door
Oh I'm back home, so check your tears at the door
Stop tugging on my soul, and check your....
Tears at
the door.........

Last night I went to a baseball game with some friends and was having a great time. It was descent weather, the company was excellent and we were in a skybox. The game ended and our team lost but it as no big deal since we really just wanted to see baseball. Then the fireworks started and I got this sad sinking feeling that I couldn't place the origins of. After some thought and a near tearful breakdown in front of the friends that I was with, I realized where the sadness was coming from. Susan loves fireworks. She would get this look of wonder in her eyes like a child seeing their surprise Christmas present under the tree on Christmas morning. As a result of this, I had not seen many fireworks in the last 10 years. You see, I watched them as a reflection in her eyes but there was so much more to see there than just the fireworks. Her eyes are the most beautiful blue I have ever seen and to be able to see her in that state of suspended excitement was one of the best feelings of my life.

Now I sit here in my quiet apartment, spending my first Easter alone since 1990 and I can't help but reminisce over the past Easters and the different things we did together. It is a sad day for me and I am so consumed by the loneliness that I cannot enjoy the true meaning of the day, the past memories cause me so much pain and I wonder what emotion the past memories conjure up in her. Do they cause her pain, is she able to smile at them, does she suppress them to be able to cope with what she is doing?

Whenever I talk to her, she tries to equate her situation with mine. That infuriates me. She made all of the choices and I dealt with the consequences. I had no choice in the matter. She says that she never loved me and that she only married me for security. If this is the case, why did she wait 10 years to leave? Why did she wait until she found someone else to leave? Why did she wait until I paid off all of her credit debt(about 20k) to leave? Why did she dive at my feet and beg me to stay the night I got fed up with her shit and bolted for the door just before we got married?

I think the answer to most of those questions is the same: She did love me, she is now mistaking infatuation and lust for love and it is easier on her conscience if she makes herself believe the story she is peddling. It is too bad that she destroyed the relationship just as we were getting everything in place. I could never go back now, too much pain and suffering has taken place. I am actually happy most of the time nowadays. I do have occasional breakdown as I experience events alone for the first time, especially when it was things that she enjoyed. I was happy seeing her enjoy life to such a degree that I never needed to do the things I loved to do before falling for her.

What I miss the most is being able to introduce her to things that she had never seen before, things that I knew would cause that look of wonder on her face and I could be content in knowing that I played a part in making her feel that way. I will always miss the fireworks, not the ones in the sky so much as the ones in her eyes.

Ok, I got a few emails from readers that thought that my calling the ex and the married guy she is fucking Springer rejects was a bit harsh. First off, fuck you. You haven't lived thru what I have lived thru with these 2 assholes. Secondly, where else is it considered acceptable for a married woman to fuck a married man that is not her husband? There are several other events that took place that make me feel this way but I am bound by a legal agreement to not discuss them in a public forum. If you want to know details, email me and we can discuss them in private. Actually, my coworkers coined the term first. After telling a coworker that I was glad that the divorce papers were almost finished, they commented that I had been forced into living in a perpetual Springer episode for the last year of my life. It was then that it dawned on me that what they have done really is only considered to be commonplace on Springer or possibly in some trailer parks in Haileyville, Alabama.

At any rate, I hope this clears up the reason for my choice in terminology for describing the 2 assholes. Hopefully, one day I will not be as angry but I was thoroughly wronged here and am dealing with it as best I can.

This post was affected by Black Eyed Susan from the album 14 Songs by Paul Westerberg

Well, this last week has been eventful. I finally signed my divorce papers only to find out that the lawyer screwed up and we have to sign them all over again. I am so ready to get these Springer rejects(my ex and the married man that she is fucking) out of my life but they continue to linger. On top of that, the dog that I got for my 21st birthday present, Ozzy the Australian Shepherd has tumors on his tongue and throat and my mom is going to have to put him down tomorrow. Furthermore, our family pet that we got when I was 18, Ashley(mutt) fell in my mom's swimming pool and drowned last night. Ashley was a sweet and playful dog that's one mission in life was to please my mom. She will be missed but we had 16 years with her and it was time for her to go. Ozzy on the other hand, played the role of protector. He would fight to the death to protect the members of my family. He was kind and gentle with us but fierce and powerful to anyone that he didn't trust. He could smell fear like no other animal I have ever seen. He was smart and willing to learn and please. All he ever wanted in return was for someone to rub his hips(he had hip joint dysplacia) and give him an occasional 2 liter bottle that had been filled with water and frozen to cool him during the hottest parts of a Southern Summer.. When he was a pup, I would play with him for hours and teach him tricks. He had such a long attention span that we could train for hours without having to take a break, I had never seen a dog with that kind of attention and I haven't seen one since. Ozzy is 14 and today is the last day of his life. I hope it is as easy on him as it can be under the circumstances. He was a faithful dog with a willpower like I have never seen and I know he has lived a good life.

I got this little gem from the guys at The Agitator.com. I laughed myself silly when I read it. Check it out here!!

This post was influenced by Somebody Led Me Away from the album The Virginian by Neko Case & Her Boyfriends

I thought I would hop on and give an update of what was going on in my life. I am getting close to signing the divorce papers. They are almost where I want them to be. I am still protesting the entire divorce but I know it is inevitable. She spent the weekend with the "other guy" not this past weekend but the one before it. That was painful for me but I will get over it. I have also decided to make an attempt to transfer to one of our Florida locations just as soon as a desirable position opens up. I love Nashville but it is forever marked as "our city" and everywhere I go reminds me of a good memory I have of my marriage and quite frankly, I cannot think about those good times anymore as it is just too painful. Birmingham is the same way. I met her just after I moved to Birmingham and we spent several happy years together while living there. I need a fresh city and a fresh start far enough away from her that we can't contact each other or at least we can't show up at the others doorstep unexpectedly. My problem is that I love her and whatever she asks me to do, I will. I hate this situation that I am in but I am in it and have to deal with it, nonetheless. I am at this point: There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss my beautiful wife to the point that I sometimes find it hard to breathe but I never miss the misguided,selfish, emotionally unstable, ugly creature that has become my ex-wife. I wish her the best in life and I hope some day she finds whatever it is she is looking for but I can promise you that it isn't where she is and who she is with right now. First of all, she has to be happy with herself. She had moments that she was while we were together but overall she has a VERY low self esteem and until she corrects that she will never be truly happy and it won't matter who she is fucking. She also has a chemical imbalance that she is in denial over. Her mother had it, her uncle and grandmother had it. It is a part of her genetic makeup but she refuses to deal with it. She refuses medication because she says " I refuse to be like my mother." I say refuse all you want, it doesn't take the symptoms away or the genetic predisposition. The old adage - The things we hate in others are often the things we see in ourselves, is true here. It took me about 3 years into our 10 year relationship to recognize it but the things that infuriate her so about her mother are the same character flaws I see in her. I never told her this because it would have thrown her into a rage that I did not want to deal with and it would have crushed what little self esteem I had built up in her. Please pray that she gets these things straightened out in her life. I would hate to see her go thru the 2nd half of her life in the constant state of emotional basket case that has defined the first half. Don't get me wrong here, she is a bright and physically beautiful person that can be giving and caring on occasion but she has some serious problems that need correcting if she is ever to have true happiness. I have problems too but I am now getting professional help for them and though I am still deeply saddened by the situation I have been put in by her, my life as a whole isn't too bad. I don't have much money these days but I have some of the best friends that a guy could ever ask for and a great family that has supported me through every step of this horrific journey. Dad, Mom, Angie, Stan, Glen, Matt, Clay, Todd, Scott, Larry(Taters Red), Karen, Steve, Damien, Bart, Tom, Daniel, Jason, Downstairs Jason, Curt, John M. , John B., Rick, Clint, Dr. O'Bryant and everyone else, thank you so much for your support and concern for me through all of this. It really has kept me going during times that I thought all hope was lost. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to keep moving towards it and someday I will find someone to share my life with again and hopefully, this time it will be for keeps.

This post was affected by Good Feeling from the album Violent Femmes: Deluxe Edition by Violent Femmes

"Sometimes you have to be strong for others, even when you don't know where that strength will come from." At least that is what I had to tell myself over and over again last night and this morning. I was awakened to a banging on my door a little after 12:30 am. It was my soon to be ex. I opened the door and she was standing there teary eyed and with a distraught look across her face. She asked if she could come in for a minute. It seems that her work is being audited by CLC, the governing body that manages and licenses NCAA logo usage. She was unable to find some of the approvals and was afraid that as a result, she might lose her job. To add to the problem, when she arrived at her home, the power had been turned off due to non-pay. So here we stood in the wee hours of the morning. Now less than 8 hours from her arrival at my apartment we were supposed to be signing our divorce papers. It took me a long time and a lot of tearful days to get to the point where I was ready to let go, move on and find a new life, love and all that comes with it. Could I have kicked her out and told her this was no longer my problem? In theory, I guess I could have done that. In reality, I still love her and knew that I had to be strong and understanding of her situation. She is a good person, she was a good partner for most of our 10 years as a couple and most importantly, she was a human being that needed a helping hand. I cannot resist helping others. It is my nature. It is what I do, the one thing that matters to me. I guess I feel like we are here for such a short amount of time that we have to make the most of it and what better way to leave a legacy that will be remembered is to make a difference in every life we touch.

The question I pose is this: If our marriage is so hopeless that we are at this point of signing divorce papers, why is it always me that she turns to when things are at their worst? What I offer is real life, not that phoney idealistic bullshit. I offer something that she cannot get from the other guy. I offer myself and she can't get that from anyone else. I and what I offer her are real life not fantasy. She will learn this on her own one day. I had held out hope that she would realize this and we could get ourselves back into counseling and try to put our life we built back together. I couldn't bring myself to tell her this in the state she was in. I just put my arm around her and told her everything would be ok. I told her that she is so much more than her job. I had watched this job turn my sweet beautiful wife into a calloused and angry person that does nothing but work and sleep. I told her that life was so much more than that. I want her to understand that work is a means to an end, a way to finance the things that you enjoy doing. I told her that I hoped that she would use this situation to learn that a job is not a person. The 2 are only loosely linked much like bee's and pollination. A bee passes pollen from one flower to another but they still aren't pollinators, first and foremost, they are bees. If there wasn't more to them than just a vehicle to ensure plant re-growth we would call them pollinators not bee's.

If you pray, pray for her. She is a basket-case and could really use the support. And after you pray for her, pray for me that I might have the strength to help her during this difficult time without being a doormat.

This post was influenced by Do You Really Want to Hurt Me from the album Why Do Birds Sing? by Violent Femmes

Well, I will be signing my divorce papers on Thursday. Although, I maintain that I never wanted the divorce, I am glad to have it over. I can then remove certain people from my life for good. I can walk away knowing this: All things done in the dark will be brought to the light. Things that were done to me through out the course of this divorce are unforgivable. I will smile and play nice but know that I will never forgive the people responsible for what they have done. I will move on, I will be happy and I will survive but I will never forgive. Forgiveness is something that has to happen naturally. I have set things in motion to right certain injustices and in the end I believe that all will be taken care of. The pain that was dealt to me will come back to those that caused it threefold. I made sure of this months ago. Everything that has happened thus far has happened exactly as I played it out in my head when I was in the planning phase(btw, thank you rimmeron for allowing me to stay unemotional and grounded while I schemed and planned). I took certain calculated risks but I am a keen judge of human nature and have been pleased with all results up to this point. I will now move on with my life knowing that at some point, whether by things I set in motion or life's natural course, these motherfuckers will get back what they have dealt out. If you lie, cheat, steal, manipulate the truth, or are otherwise a dishonest, unfaithful, morally bankrupt piece of shit, it can and will be a bitch when it comes back on you.

When the desire for revenge takes possesion of them, they are drained for a moment of every other feeling but this desire for revenge.

-Dostoevsky, Fyodor; Notes From Underground

Life is an echo. What you send out, comes back. What you sow, you reap. What you give, you get. What you see in others, exists in you.

-Zig Ziglar

This post was affected by This Love from the album Vulgar Display of Power by Pantera

Susan totaled her car out sometime last week. I found out when the insurance company called me(They still have me listed on the policy). I didn't know if she was ok or not. The insurance company couldn't give me details so I called her work. I talked to Bonnie and she said Susan was out of town. Odd that she is out of town over the Valentine's Weekend. At least she is ok. Apparently, she ran a stop sign and suffered the consequences. It hurt me deeply that it wasn't still instinctive for her to call me during a time of duress. I guess I had kept alive somewhere in the depths of my heart that should a trauma occur, she would still turn to me. I loved being the one to soothe her, to take care of her and to take charge of the situation so that she could be at ease. I am not going to make much more of it as I am glad that she is not hurt.

I like the way this guy thinks. I have good friends that are fans of Japanese Animation. I personally find that I don't connect with it. Even the darkest of the flicks seems to require high levels of estrogen to enjoy and I just don't have that. So why are fans of Japanese Animation so anal retentive about calling it Anime? I won't say much more because I believe the article I linked to covers the topic thoroughly.

Mr. Pitiful from the album The Ultimate Otis Redding by Otis Redding

Well folks, I am seriously considering dropping out of the blogosphere. I haven't written much lately anyway. Between the comment spammers and other events, I have lost the desire to write. I sit in front of my computer for hours to try and write something that I think is reader worthy but for some reason I have lost it. The divorce and other circumstances surrounding it are taking their toll on me. I have lost most of my creative energy. I don't practice my music like I should, I don't write like I should and I haven't shot anything worth publishing on video or stills in months now. Having a creative outlet has always been an important part of my life and it is really frustrating to see it all disapear.

I think part of my problem is coming from the fact that despite all of the problems and frustrations of the world, I was always able to find beauty of some form because I could always find at least 1 beautiful thing and that was the bond created by my marriage. Sure we had our share of troubles and had some communication barriers but it was unique, it was stable and it would always be there(or so I thought). Now, the one thing I was able to draw strength from, the only constant in my life, my sure thing, my one true achievement is all but a fading vapor. It was ripped from me, it was taken, I had no say into what happened. Suddenly, the world is not as beautiful as it once was. I have no desire, no motivation, no reason for being.

Everyone says time will make all this go away but right now I feel as though time is standing still. I can't go back and I am too stunned to move forward. After spending 10 years with someone, sharing goals, dreams, triumphs and failures, it seems so overwhelming to try and shake it off and create new goals, new dreams. Victories turn into mundane instances without someone to share them with. Failures are much more painful with no one there to comfort you.

I hope I can shake this soon. Right now my life revolves around work and sleep. Nothing excites me, nothing motivates me. My sense of humor was always one of my greatest assets and it too is now gone. I feel like an empty Oyster Shell, relieved that the iritation of the sand is gone but longing for the lost pearl. I feel empty, spent and I don't know where to find the inspiration to do anything.

I hate getting divorced. The shock has now worn off and I am dealing with profound sadness, loss, anger and one single question tortures my weary mind, "Why?". I am so preoccupied and rattled from this turn of events that I forgot to put socks on today. Not only did I forget to put on socks but I couldn't figure out why my feet felt like they were sticking to the soles of my shoes. No one will give me the details of why this is happening. I am the type of person that finds it hard to accept things until I am able to understand the ENTIRE set of circumstances surrounding the situation. No one involved will do me the justice of explaining the situation to me in anything more than sappy cliche's and general statements.

It is also strange for me. I don't miss the things thatI thought I would miss. It isn't her cooking or the way she kept the house just so. It isn't the fact that she ran almost all of the errands that I miss so badly that I still break down and cry without warning. I miss sharing my life with her. I miss helping her solve the problems that her day brought her. I miss telling her about the new song I heard on the radio. I miss waking up and finding her nose inches from mine. I miss being there to protect her. I miss being able to watch her play with the dog. I miss our quiet moments togetther. I miss scratching her back when she itched. I miss being the one person that would always be in her corner.

I miss her getting mad at me for singing loudly. I miss going out with her and seeing her accross a crowded room and thinking how lucky I was to be married to her and the pride that came with that feeling.

The problem is, I never told her how much I loved these things. I too often got caught up in the moment and took her for granted. Guys, make sure that you let your wife know, in action and in voice, what they mean to you or someone will come along and take them from you.

No one wants to have to live with the turn that life has dealt me because of my oversight.

Susan, I am so sorry that I didn't know how to express the feelings I have for you. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all never had their nuts crushed by my wife(soon to be ex wife).

As I think back thru my life, certain songs seem to define certain moments througout it. Billy Joel and Ben Harper seem to be defining my life lately, 2 songs in particular Walk Away by Ben Harper and And So It Goes by Billy Joel. Here are the lyrics to each:

And So It Goes
Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

Walk Away
Ben Harper

Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend
And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one
But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery
They say time will
Make all this go away
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is droppin' on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

I just learned something funny. If you type Miseable Failure into Google's search engine, the #1 link is a very powerful public figure's bio. Try it and see!!

Link supplied via BBC News | Americas

I snagged this idea from Evil Little Monkey

Choose a band artist: Pink Floyd

Answer the following questions using only song titles by above band.

1. Are you male or female: Vegetable Man
2. Describe yourself: Empty Spaces
3. How do some people feel about you?: A Saucerful of Secrets
4. How do you feel about yourself?: Fearless
5. Describe an old girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: The Happiest Days of Our Lives
6. Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Is There Anybody Out There?
7. Where are you?: The Post War Dream
8. Where would you rather be?: Point Me at the Sky
9. Describe what you want to be: One of These Days
10. Describe how you live: In the Flesh?
11. Describe how you love: Any Colour You Like
12. Share a few words of wisdom: Scream Thy Last Scream

Spinning: Nobody Home from the album "The Wall (Disc 2)" by Pink Floyd

Oh dear God, As if women aren't already guilty of false advertising with the wonder bra. Now men are in the mix with this damned thing. That's right folks, a "Package Enhancer". It apparently gives us "extra lift". Somebody shoot me.

Jamming to: Someone Keeps Moving My Chair from the album "Flood" by They Might Be Giants

I cannot wait for the Darwin Award that is surely to be issued as a result of the use of this bad boy.

What one thing are you most looking forward to . . .

1. ...today?

making it to the end without reminiscing.

2. ...over the next week?

same as answer #1.

3. ...this year?

I can't form thoughts that far into the future but I do hope to get accepted and start attending film school.

4. ...over the next five years?

Being able to overcome the pain dealt to me over the past year and a half.

5. ...for the rest of your life?

Escaping the one that dealt the pain.

My sentiments, exactly!!

1.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 was easily QT's best film to date. That is saying a lot when looking at classics like Pulp Fiction and Resevoir Dogs but he pushed it to new limits in this ultra-hip kung fu action film. Kill Bill Vol. 2 is set to hit Theaters in February 2004 so get out and see Vol. 1 and be ready for it!!

2.

American Splendor was a work of art. Mixing the actual people with the actors portraying them was pure genius but it was only pulled off due to the excellent acting by the cast and excruciating attention to detail by the director. This was easily one of the best obscure flicks of 2003.

3.

Lost in Translation is fantastic. I saw it this weekend and if Bill Murray isn't nominated for an Oscar for this then all hope is lost for honest voting from the Academy.

I still despise Howard Dean's healthcare initiative but someone finally gave me a reason to actually consider voting for him should the presidential election be a close one. I found this article over at Reason and it is the first that makes any intelligent argument as to why I, as a libertarian, might choose to vote for Howard Dean in the event the Presidential Race becomes a nailbiter.

I have been struggling for almost a year now. I have been dealing with the end of my marriage. A marriage I didn't enter into lightly. A marriage I swore to remain in "For better or worse". A marriage that, in the end, expanded the definition of "Worse".

I have felt more pain than I ever imagined I could feel. The struggle I have had is 2 fold when you dig down to the root. One is that she stopped loving me. The other is trying as hard as I might I couldn't figure out how to return the favor. No matter how hard I tried or how deep she cut me, I couldn't seem to stop loving her. I felt like that was something that I had to do to move forward.

Well, I am now seeing that I don't have to do anything. I made a choice to love her. This choice was not made on a whim and it was made as a life choice. To break this would be dishonest and I think that is the reason it has caused me such pain in trying to achieve it.

It is funny how answers to problems come from the strangest places. A great friend, knowing what a fan of Mr. Rogers I was bought me a book called:
The World According to Fred Rogers. The book is amazing. It is a collection of all of the lessons he tried to teach us as kids. I fumbled through the book and stumbled upon this particular lesson:

There's no "should" or "should not" when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.

I realized that I cannot worry about these feelings of love that I still have for my ex. They are a part of me and may be there forever. What I do know is that I want someone to love me back. As humans, wanting to be loved, to be accepted unconditionally is a basic need. This doesn't mean that just because I am no longer loved that I have to stop loving her. This love may change over time but I think that it will always be there in some form.

I bought her a Christmas present. When I gave it to her she started to cry and tell me she didn't get me anything. I didn't want anything other than to express my love. Why do people feel they need to give you a present just because you bought them one? Christmas is truly about giving. I wish people understood this more. Greed and pride need to be set aside during Christmas.

For those wishing to give me a Christmas present please just make
a donation in my name(or my websites name) to Heifer International.

I don't have much but I have a lot more than others. I would much rather see gift money earmarked for me to go to this organization or another worthy charity.

Back on topic

What I have learned is valuable and I thank my friend Mariya for giving me the Fred Rogers book and posthumously thank Fred Rogers for not only allowing me into his life an hour a day for countless years growing up and teaching me valuable lessons as a child but also for teaching me lessons even now. Fred's wife wrote in the forward that Fred would struggle through 4 and 5 rough drafts fretting over every word in the scripts, and he would always say to himself "Simple is Better". Finding help from Mr. Rogers at the age of 34 seems almost humorous but he had the knack of breaking things down to the simplest of terms and making an admittedly stubborn person such as myself understand the point he was trying to make.

Thanks Fred for caring about people.

Thanks Susan for being my wife and partner for nearly 10 years. I understand that it is time for you to do what you feel you have to with your life and I will be content to sit back and watch from whatever vantage point I can find.

Merry Christmas to all within my reach.

Michael Kelly was a talented journalist who was killed in the invasion of Iraq back in April. I wanted to post one of his last non-war articles in it's entirity so all that care to read it could see the humanity lost on a questionable war. I chose this piece because it dealt with the Holiday Season. Below is the article as it was re-released April 5, 2003.

Not a White-Lights Person

By Michael Kelly
Saturday, April 5, 2003; Page A17

Michael Kelly, who died Friday while covering the war in Iraq, wrote a weekly column for this page. This one was published Dec. 12, 2001:

I am Catholic and my wife is Jewish, so in our house we celebrate both Hanukah and Christmas, which our sons, Tom and Jack, regard as an excellent thing. People sometimes ask me if it is hard to raise children in respect and love for two great faiths that have a slight doctrinal disagreement between them, and I say: Not if you give them presents every day for eight days of Hanukah and for Christmas. The more Gods, the merrier is Tom and Jack's strong belief.

Like other parents, we try not to let the materialism get out of hand, and to keep the focus on the sacred. This year, on the first day of Hanukah, we gave Tom, 5, a realistic, detachable, revolving red police cruiser roof light, so that he may follow the ancient Jewish holy practice of impersonating a state trooper. He received the gift with appropriate reverence. We gave Jack, 2, some Silly Putty. He received the gift in his hair, and now he is in a fine shape to play the role in the Christmas pageant of the Wondering Child With a Bald Spot.

Actually, Jack has not been cast in a pageant. Tom has, though. He has a walk-on in the pageant staged by our local Unitarian church. There was a rehearsal the other Sunday after the service, which featured the lighting of a menorah (during which apologies were offered to anyone who might take offense at a lighting before sundown), followed by the traditional singing of the great Christian hymn "Oh, Mitten Tree" (during which the faithful paraded around a tree that was decked, in fact, with mittens). A Unitarian pageant turns out to be different from a Roman Catholic one. In Tom's pageant, Jesus Christ is celebrated as "a very special person" and "a great rabbi" and an all-around asset to the community. The Son-of-God debate, which has proved so regrettably contentious over the years, is not mentioned.

No doubt this is all to the good. There is too much disputation around Christmas anyway. One growing issue is the white vs. colored lights debate. Like all matters of taste, this is also a matter of class. White lights are high-class; colored lights are somewhat less so.

White lights make the statement that one is a refined sort who appreciates that less is more and who celebrates Christmas (and life in general) in such a fashion that one would not be absolutely mortified if Martha Stewart dropped by unexpectedly for tea. Colored lights make the statement that one is the sort of person who believes that Christmas is not Christmas without an electric sled and reindeer on the lawn, an electric Santa on the roof, an electric Frosty by the front gate and an electric Very Special Person in a manger on the porch.

Most of the houses in my neighborhood are white-light houses, and I have to admit they are lovely, but I was raised in a colored-light family, and I am raising Tom and Jack to be colored-light men too. They do not take a lot of convincing on this. Boys are naturally colored-lighters.

We got up the first three strings of our lights the weekend before last, and another two last weekend, at which time we threw away the rotted Halloween pumpkin. I might have gotten more lights up by now except that the remaining three strings are not working. To fix them you have to go through and find the burned-out bulb and replace it, and there are a lot of bulbs in a string, and the whole enterprise is one of those things that lead Daddy to point out that this is really the sort of job Mommy does better, and Mommy claims that she doesn't know how to do it because she wasn't raised in a colored-light family. This is a cop-out, and unworthy of her.

Still, I am confident we will get all the lights up by New Year's, and all down by Easter. In my family, it was considered poor form to leave the lights up past Easter; it suggested shiftlessness. One elderly woman in our neighborhood did leave her lights up, and also her tree, and her electric Santa, all year around. But she was considered a special case and no one held it against her. This may have been because everyone back then was a colored-light person. Colored-lighters are more relaxed about this sort of thing than white-lighters.

But that was judgmental, wasn't it? I should not be judgmental. I learned that from the Unitarians. Colored-lighters aren't any better than white-lighters; we are all special persons. Very.

After a rather long leave from my writing, I am back and somewhat refreshed. Things are going well for me and I am ready to start entertaining again. How have all of you fellow bloggers, libertarians, comedy writers, satirists, etc. been doing these days?

I have gotten my on place, continued my blues harp playing, dealt with some personal issues, given my mom away in marriage, applied to film school, and caught some cool music.

I am doing so many things I would have never done before and am really having a good time. I have discovered that the health condition that I have that prevents me from drinking alcohol has a few work arounds and can now go to The Flying Saucer with the guys and knock a few back.

I have made some good friends that I never would have reached out to before and am starting to get a little kick back in my step. So, watch out world because I am baaaaaaack!!!!!!!

Morning Wood wakes me(5)
Trying to piss in toilet(7)
Piss in eye blinds me(5)

Listening to:Stand from the album "Greatest Hits" by Sly & The Family Stone

Finally, after making the switch from PC to Mac, I have found a nice blog app that works with Mac OS 10.3(code name:Panther). I wish I could get it to work using TypePad as I am getting ready to move everything from MoveableType to TypePad. If anyone knows how I can get it working with typepad, drop me a line or leave a comment!!

The Long Division from the album "Painted from Memory" by Burt Bacharach & Elvis Costello

1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.