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12/04/2003 Entry: "Twenty Most Annoying Conservatives of 2003"
| The only tag team on the list, for excessive overselling of conservative "coolness", largely premised on South Park and Michelle Malkin, also known as "the supermodel version of Phyllis Schlafly". Anderson wrote a slurpy love-in to Fox News, buffetted by a lot of old South Park quotes. Soon, he lapses into that part of the Wizard of Oz where the flying monkeys are straight up rollin' on dubs (I'll explain it later), except the monkeys are now Colin Quinn and Dennis Miller - calling them cool is like calling Al Sharpton understated. He ends up by posting a too-long-by-half summary of how the right is engaged in that trash-talking hipster pastime, New York Times bashing. All the cool kids wanna know why Paul Krugman is wrong on the grounds of supply-side economics!!! It's extremely radicool to the maxx!! John Leo, who seems like the kind of guy who'd pick up on the lamest hip thing since DARE, joins in, and perhaps unconsciously lets us know what's really going on - this is antiliberal humor. There is no conservative hipness, there's just people reacting to liberal nonhipness. Which means, of course, that Hostess Boy at number 20 is the straight shizzle (again, I'll explain it later). The entire phenomenon, manufactured as it is, boils down to an overly impressed reaction to the fact that conservatives are trying not to be humorless pricks. Failing, for the most part, but still trying. By the time you have to explain why something nobody's noticing is hip, it's lost all claim to hipness. Just ask Andy Sullivan. Better yet, ask Poochie. |  |
I'm sorry, but it's like watching Strongbad govern the world's fifth largest economy. It just doesn't make sense.
Did you know that Ronald Reagan's favorite number is 10? Neither did I. But, apparently, the Stalinesque, Grover Norquist-led Ronald Reagan Legacy Project wants to put him on dimes and ten-dollar bills. Now, around here, CBS is on channel 7...not ten! And prime, even!
See, CBS made a miniseries about the Reagans. The Reagan Legacy Project, the RNC, and the rest of the Reaganite cheerleaders decided that CBS shouldn't be allowed to broadcast anything critical of Dear Leader and Father. So they harassed CBS until they caved, and it ended up airing on Showtime, the premium channel equivalent of MSNBC.
Apparently, the continued existence of this brave American experiment now rests with there being a sufficient level of Reagan idolatry. Grover Norquist is his Moses, and his Reagan is a vengeful and highly insecure one. Now he's going to send His son down to contradict everything that he said in the 80s, and we're going to try to make sense of it all.
It's been a bad year for John Lott. Between him impersonating his own student, and being found out; between the numerous accusations of ideologically-motivated academic dishonesty; between his opus More Guns Less Crime becoming so much pro-gun toilet paper under analytical expression, and his entire academic career in doubt; his utter misrepresentation of several news stories in pursuit of an "anti-gun bias"...
...he's still a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. I really can't add anything to this. Exactly how much academic dishonesty do you need to display to get kicked out of AEI? Do you have to cite Leisure Suit Larry as an expert on contraceptive use?
Did you ever know that you're my eagle? That you are the wind beneath my wings?
"Eagles" are, of course, the group of so-called patriots that Sullivan made up in the waning moments of his creative days as a conflicted right-wing pundit, before he descended into the swamp of unimaginative repetition that defines his public voice.
Someone in Iraq buy those tissues with lotion on them? Write it down, harangue liberals for not reporting it, cite a blogger with negligble facts behind their supportive assertion, tie it to why Democrats are incapable of running this country, and he's a gay Catholic, in case you were wondering.
He's also delightfully contrarian, in the sense that he actually doesn't agree with the Republican Party on most any issue of import to him except for the war on terror, scared little puppy that he is - but Democrats are worse because they're well, Democrats. One must also take care to refer to all political discourse in terms of long-forgotten "controversies" in an effort to portray oneself as a gossipy insider dictating the whos, wheres and whys of the world to an otherwise clueless audience.
Oh, and he's gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. Everyone in his party either hates him or just wants to deny him equal rights to pacify the people who do hate him...but it's okay, because someone in the Nation said something that we must fisk in this new media century! Excelsior!
He's the 21st-century Stan Lee, except that he's a Republican who substitutes webloggers and George W. Bush for mutants and people exposed to radiation, and "fisking" for fanciful tales of exploration and adventure. So I guess in that sense, he's nothing like Stan Lee.
Oh, David. David, David, David. My name is Jesse. In the Bible, I'd be your daddy. In real life...I am your daddy. Only figuratively, of course. Back up out my business, son.
David has had two accomplishments this year: steadfastly avoiding his brother's drug use, and writing Persecution, the conservative answer to the steady drumbeat of anti-religious liberals, such as some town council in California and, if you squint really, really hard, Bill Clinton. See, Christians are being persecuted en masse for their beliefs (he even goes so far as to have a lion on the cover, as if secular humanists are the new Imperial Rome), so much so to the point that kids who pray in school are being punished for not handing in their homework!
Somehow, he manages to write an entire book full of such arguments, still firmly convinced that in the stillness of the night, he doesn't know who will come for him first - Jesus Christ, the Lord our God for His Earthly Rapture, or the ACLUNAACP stormtroopers. It's a scary time he lives in. The rest of us are drinking every time that creepy lady on the Jack Van Impe show sounds like a phone sex operator and getting TORE UP.
I think the saddest part about the rise of campus conservatism is that it shows you can master mediagenic conservatism by the time you're 18, with no real loss in shrillness or intellectual rigor. The half-life of angry, reactionary politics with no real point is apparently limitless.
This has been the year of the campus conservative...in much the same way it's been the year of the Milwaukee Brewer. Whiny, loud, and shameless, they've managed to start pushes at several colleges per year to complain their way into prominence.
There are 10 rules to being a campus conservative:
1.) Complain how you're shut out of every forum on campus by going to every forum on campus and using it to complain, prominently.
2.) Complain about how your professors are liberal, even though they grade your work fairly and accurately.
3.) Complain about the use of academic "buzzwords" in course descriptions without having actually taken the course.
4.) Complain about how much everyone else is complaining about your complaining.
5.) Complain about how nobody debates any ideas while strictly limiting your debate to telling everyone else that their ideas are horrible and shut out the ideas you can't actually elucidate.
6.) Complain about how the cable system doesn't carry Fox News, and complain when you get it but someone else signed up to watch Monday Night Football.
7.) Complain about campus oppression, and then inaccurately throw activist buzzwords at every liberal you can find.
8.) Complain about how you can't get spaces or funds to bring conservative speakers to campus to complain about the lack of conservative ideas on campus, ignoring that the space you wanted was taken months in advance by other groups.
9.) Take Econ 101. Complain about everything in barely informed economic terms.
10.) Complain about every stupid thing done on campus in terms of liberalism, no matter how apolitical it is. Bonus points if you can blame oversleeping for your 8:30 class on Paul Krugman.
See how easy it is? And it takes advantage of the natural talent that every collegian has, regardless of race, creed, income level or background: bitching about shit.
And, given all this, and the utterly brilliant idea by commenter kei & yuri...the spiritual avatar of campus conservatism:
This year, I decided to let Alan Colmes write Mr. Hannity's entry. It's been an eventful year for the Dynamic Uno, with Hannity releasing his right-wing screed Let Freedom Ring. The Vanilla Gorilla has managed to continue his unabated streak of nonsensical lies for the umpteenth straight year, including being one of the forces behind the recent streak of, ah, "misappropriated" and irrelevant Democratic memos. He's also one of the few people I've ever seen who manages to cram three pictures of themselves into their webpage header image, which has to set a world land record for unnecessary self-promotion.
Anyway, over to Alan:
Dear Sean:
I've put up with a lot over the years. The fact that you come to all of my press appearances and hand out glamour shots of yourself. The fact that you still press Roger Ailes to change the title of the show to HANNITY!, with exclamation point. The fact that you told my family I was dead because you didn't feel like getting me out of a production meeting. These are all things I'm capable of dealing with. But what you did this Halloween pushed me over the edge, Sean. And I'm not about to take it lying down.
I'm buying a nice new leather recliner, the one you pointed out to me. That's where I'll be taking it from now on.
When you volunteered to take my kids out trick-or-treating on Halloween, I was pleasantly surprised. It was the first time you had ever done anything like that for me since you volunteered to take my Camry to the mechanics' in 1999. And no, I'm not bitter about you accidentally trading it in to get your Saab, I can see how you'd mix it up with one of your own cars. Even though it did have a vanity plate that said COLMSCAR.
When the kids came back, they were bouncing and excited and a wee-bit sugar buzzed, and I was glad. I figured it was a turning point in our relationship, and I was going to be proud to call you my friend. Rewrapping the kids' candy in "Let Freedom Ring by Sean Hannity" wrappers was a tad bit creepy, but I'm very glad that you checked it all. Where do you get a thousand custom-made candy wrappers from, anyway?
Then, about 45 minutes later, I heard a honk outside, and saw you in your Saab (still looking nice, pal!). Then, I heard the kids run downstairs, little knapsacks packed, and they hugged my legs as they looked up at me and said, "We're going over to our real daddy's house."
You can sell my car. You can tell my mother that I died in a Tijuana brothel. You can even drive over to my house and dump your leaves on my lawn, and then tell the city that I'm behind on my property tax. BUT YOU CAN'T TELL MY CHILDREN THAT YOU'RE THEIR REAL FATHER AND THEN "HANNITIZE" THEM INTO YOUR FAMILY.
Sure, I got my kids back yesterday after a protracted custody battle and several needlessly painful blood tests. But that's beside the point. At some point, you have to take a step back and realize that you can't walk all over me, because I'm not going to let you do this, next time.
I'm a liberal, though. And I'm forgiving. So, it's okay. Just don't do it again. See you on Monday.
- Alan
I miss the days when our insane rich people would just buy exotic animals, or build huge planes. What about Scrooge McDuck? That was a crazy-ass rich…duck to admire. He had a bunch of money, kept it in a giant piggy bank, and swam in it, going so far as to take the borderline suicidal step of nearly ingesting the money and spitting it out in a fount. But he kept his filthy, disgusting rich recluse habits to himself.
And that’s what’s important.
Sun Myung Moon harbors no such proclivity for the private and insane, instead preferring to take his creepy messianic freak show out and about, preferring to run the Unification Church, which is like Scientology, except that the central unifying figure
is, you guessed it, the scary, insane billionaire. He’s greater than Jesus – and he’s said so himself. The Moonie cult also runs right-wing rag paper the Washington Times, best known for hiring one racist editor and no fact-checkers.
Moonies (followers of the Unification Church) are a part of one of the most far-reaching right-wing media efforts in the world, which I suppose makes sense if you think you’re God. The Times has never in its history turned a profit. In 2002, he placed a nationwide, $750,000 ad run which declared him the Savior and Messiah. Even Karl Marx and Joseph Stalin said so!
(A note to readers: frequent viewers of Aqua Teen Hunger Force may be confused. I am not talking about Mooninites, but insteads Moonies. The difference being the non-pixelated features and that Moonies are slightly bigger assholes.)
Sun Myung Moon fancies himself the last chance for humanity’s redemption (Jesus fucked up because he didn’t get married and have a whole litter of kids, leaving one to wonder if Moon financed The Last Temptation of Christ). I fancy him the last chance to see a cut-rate Rupert Murdoch bribing the Republican Party and the Christian Right until they, like Scrooge McDuck, start spitting coins out in pseudo-orgasmic glee.
Rule #104 in the MSNBC Employee Handbook: Don’t tell your callers to die of AIDS.
Unfortunately for Mr. Savage, he missed that page while trying to figure out how they get 28 weekly programming hours out of Hardball. On the final edition of his low-rated Saturday afternoon show (which, if you’re on MSNBC, for Christ’s sake, should send you a message that nobody wants to watch you) Savage told a caller, whom he says was a prank caller, that he was a “sodomite” and that he should “get AIDS and die”.
Soon, the King Of No Media was back to his sorry radio show and pushing his bulk-ordered book, both titled The Savage Nation. The Savage Nation is more accurately called the Weiner Nation, as his birth name is Michael Weiner.
Now, I’m not one to make fun of a person’s name. Okay, I am, but I’ve already made enough fun of WeinerSchnitzel over here. Instead, let’s enjoy a day in the life of Mike Savage.
6:00 A.M. – Wake up, cry.
2:30 P.M. – Head to studio, broadcast show.
6:30 P.M. – Cry, head to wax museum to fondle wax Barbra Streisand and prove that you’re still a man.
7:45 P.M. – Get home. Eat quart of Ben & Jerry’s. Pass out in insulin shock.
A life well-lived.
Heritage Fats is in the heezy fo’sheezi, my neezi! You got them bones, we roll. He is from the streets, brotha, not one of them fake-ass, punk-ass, soft-ass, lame-ass, candy-ass, roly poly my doly-ass bitches!
Wait…you mean, he is? Well, then.
After blowing eight million dollars (U.S., not Canadian) gambling, the Virtues Czar apologized. And then he was excused, because in the words of many a defender, he never specifically talked about gambling. Which is like saying that it’s not a problem for his public persona that he dry-humped a corpse, because he never specifically said that necrophilia was wrong.
The message to all future morals czars is that it’s okay to set yourself up as the arbiter for all morality as long as you don’t specifically denounce your personal vices. And that you never bet on the river when you’re looking for a flush draw and you only have one hole card. That’s just foolish.
If you’re going to do what you just did to that dog more than once, I’d invest in Bactine and tranquilizers. Just saying.
The Little Johnny Sweetcakes of the repressed set remarked that legal recognition of homosexuality would open up the door to incest, polygamy and hot man-on-dog sex. Yes, he brought out the MAN-ON-DOG sex. Because if you don’t arbitrarily constrict legal sexual relationships to opposite-sex relationships, Santorum’s going to be lamenting all those innocent golden retrievers who won’t be so golden after he gets done with them.
Not that I'm saying that he'd do it.
I'm saying that he'd DO IT.
And yes, in the words of Dan Savage, wipe up the Santorum when you’re done in here.
You know, I’d like to think the Democratic Party is a big tent, but how big does the tent have to be to include Republicans?
Zell Miller is the official mascot of “even the” liberalism, which is essentially conservatism that used to be liberal, but got scared of the big meanies challenging them. On a few pet issues (which is all they ever talk about), the Republican Party is the land of non-alcoholic grape juice and petunias, while they still profess a brand of milquetoast corporate progressivism that allows for a few throwaway lines about how they support, uh…civil rights. And stuff.
The onset of the war on Iraq has created a very, very small, but very, very vocal group of ex-liberals (Mickey Kaus, Dennis Miller, a few internet bloggers, etc.) who have become “disgusted” with the Democratic Party. Getting them to explain why, however, is the rough equivalent of a shell game with a spastic, incontinent carnie. The “left”, which is basically Michael Moore and three asshole college kids, is responsible for everything that’s wrong with politics. If only they’d do their jobs correctly, and become big-daddy Republicans on foreign policy, everything would be okay. Oh, and tax cuts. Gotta have the tax cuts.
Zell Miller and his ilk are the Monday-morning quarterbacks of politics, idly sitting by and telling everyone else what they should do while they sit back, eat their Quizno’s, and decide that it’s not really their problem.
The man has turned from the Prince Of Darkness to the Viceroy Of Dumbassery. After being fed the name of a covert CIA operative by sources in the White House…he prints it. And isn’t remorseful about it at all…in fact, he goes on to be on CNN only slightly more often than the logo, repeat his personal political philosophy that Democrats aren’t serious about national security, and to raise the art of patronizing his betters to an art form.
It’s not even that he helped out Valerie Plame…it’s that he floundered around so lamely after doing so. Time after time, he turned his nose up, bared those Opus Dei-white teeth, and swore out of his sorry ass that Valerie Plame wasn’t covert. ‘Cept she was. But, this is the Viceroy, and by sheer force of Novak, he survived it.
Next up on Novak’s plate – a trip to the North Pole to prove that Santa doesn’t exist. And to crack the polar ice shelf. It’s your fault for overreacting.
A 19-page blacklist. A 19-page blacklist that encourages you to boycott the entire Zappa family. This is what the NRA is reduced to.
In quite possibly the single most anal-retentive move of the year, the NRA released a 19-page blacklist of anti-gun groups and celebrities, from Keyshawn Johnson to the Congress of Neurological Surgeons. What, exactly, anyone is supposed to do with this list besides not watch ESPN and not get brain cancer is a question best left to someone far smarter than me.
I think the good part about this is that a generation of shitty Saturday-morning celebrity cartoons has already been written. Vinny Testaverde and Doug Flutie team up to take on gun runners in...First To Fire!
I’ve come up with two possible explanations for the existence of Ann Coulter. Either she’s the insane, alternate-reality version of Eddie Izzard, from a universe where biting, clever stand-up is replaced with blood-red anger, or she is Vultron, the shrewish, mentally unbalanced version of Voltron constructed of five bitterly angry gnomes, all of whom, for some unknown reason, have shaggy pageboy haircuts.
This has actually been a light year for Coulter, having eschewed her normal battery of mind-warping television and newspaper interviews, and instead sticking to writing an apologia for McCarthyism, as well as her smattering of columns blaming Democrats for her bunions. What she lacked in quantity, she more than made up for in…being evil. Treason (which, by the way, was handily outsold by Hillary Clinton’s Living History) was a redaction of history that managed to blame liberals for everything since 1945, from Communism to terrorism to not letting one of the greatest threats to the Constitution in American history do his great work – Joseph McCarthy.
Her magnum opus managed, in the space of less than 300 pages, to turn the proud history of post-New Deal liberalism into the greatest threat to national security since the Axis powers. All that’s required for this bit of rhetorical excellence is to lie. A lot. Sparing nobody, virtually every liberal from Molly Ivins to Jimmy Carter has in some way worked to undermine America’s national security, which is bizarre in the sense that a coordinated movement of tens of millions of people working against America
must either be incompetent or nonexistent if we haven’t destroyed the place in the past 60 or so years.
Ann Coulter hates you. And she’s proud to admit it. Oh, and she hates Japanese people, who she called “savage oriental beasts”. And Arabs, who are “smelly”. Coulter’s world isn’t black and white – it’s white and fuck you.
There were so many ways to tackle this. I had thought of doing a “What Won’t Rush Limbaugh Swallow” game, a “Explain How This Isn’t Racist” activity, perhaps even a “Match The Hypocritical Action To The Statement” worksheet. Then, I realized – we’re all adults here. We’re able to discuss this in calm and rational terms.
Rush Limbaugh is like Kirby, but for drugs and stupidity instead of magical creatures.
The Two Transgressions of Rush for 2003 are his massive drug use, and his period of time as a football analyst – most notably his egregiously stupid comment that Donovan McNabb, a Pro Bowl quarterback with the Philadelphia Eagles, was only in the position he was in because the media was desirous to promote a black quarterback. McNabb, by the way, is now at the helm of the NFC’s hottest team and a potential MVP candidate. Again.
Rush isn’t annoying in this regard because he’s a racist (although the statement definitely had racist overtones, and he has a history of this sort of thing). He’s annoying because he was a shitty football commentator. ESPN made an investment into him as an “everyman voice” on ESPN NFL Sunday, not realizing that a multimillionaire far-right celebrity who censors opposing viewpoints from his show might not be the best guy to sit on a panel of lively, active debaters who know a hell of a lot more than him about the subject matter. The solution was to sit him over on the side and let him get on air when the producers said so, during his “Rush Challenges”. When he “challenged”, he just let loose with it. And it was crappy. Other than the McNabb comment, there isn’t a whole lot to his tenure at ESPN, it being that forgettable. He doesn’t know football, and when Michael Irvin is shutting you down in a debate, it’s
time to just back away and go home.
Of course if “home” is also known as “Pfizer Florida”, that might not be a good idea. Limbaugh, after years of dictating to everyone to his left exactly why they were wrong, dangerous, unfit to run the country, envious of its downfall – and usually because of some personal moral failing such as adultery or political disagreement (Tom Daschle, mind you, was SATAN to this man in 2002). Rush personally constitutes one of the largest drug rings in Florida, and he couldn’t beg for forgiveness fast enough.
Rush brought out something in the right we’d never seen in the post-Reagan era. Sympathy for a drug user. And not just sympathy for a drug user…sympathy for all moral failings! In case the disconnect wasn’t quite large enough, a variety of conservatives palled up to host his show while he was in rehab, many of them going on to rail against the moral and personal weakness of their political opposition.
The only thing bigger than Rush’s hypocrisy, and his lying, and his completely lack of anything resembling a moral, intellectual or philosophical backbone…is Jupiter, actually.
A random factoid: did you know that Roy Moore put the Ten Commandments in front of that Alabama state courthouse to keep from embarrassing himself at pub trivia? It’s true. Back in late 1999, Moore was at a local steakhouse, playing for a free t-shirt and a keg of Coors Light. The final question came down to who could list the Ten Commandments the fastest. His list:
After such a shameful debacle, including a potential excommunication from the steakhouse, Moore decided to never again be left in the Ten Commandments lurch. And what better way to remind oneself of these Commandments than a several hundred pound rock monument in front of a government building? I once did it myself to remember the parts of a cell in high school biology, and neither I nor the Post Office has forgotten them since.
Problem is, as Roy Moore, the Confederate loons who support him, the Alabama Supreme Court and a very special dog named Persistence found out, that’s a wee bit unconstitutional. It’s something you’d think a judge would know. Anyway, fast forward a few months, and Moore’s in trouble. He’s in the middle of a national firestorm for putting the monument up, and he’s still losing at pub trivia (the question was “What’s the largest country in the Southern Hemisphere?” and his answer was “Africa”). The state even offers him a little notecard and a Rand McNally atlas…but no. He insists that he has a Constitutional right to display the Ten Commandments, because we’re a Christian nation.
Told you the guy was bad at trivia.
After shipping in thousands of devoted supporters, many of whom had as many as five pieces of clothing without the Confederate flag on them, Roy Moore made his final stand. And lost. Miserably. The entire nation stood up and took notice as his gigantic, fantastic rock made its fateful journey from the steps of the state courthouse to the magical land of Somewhere That Isn’t Taxpayer Funded, he was stripped of his judgeship, and the buses and RVs and cars and trucks were packed up as the thousands of people who came out to support him and/or protest against the North, homosexuals, the NAACP, Communists, the ACLU, and the Democratic Party went back home.
Said the groundskeeper for the Supreme Court building, Ty Miller, “How many fucking logical leaps do you have to make to get from the Ten Commandments to the Civil War?” He then sighed, picked up a “Support the Troops!” sign, and dumped it in the back of his 1979 Ford truck.
All because of some goddamned pub trivia.
Bill O’Reilly had a hard time getting on this list. I mean, if you take away the “wetback” commentary, and the “joke” that a black boys choir was out in the
parking lot stealing hubcaps, and the lawsuit against Al Franken, and the embarassing performance at the C-SPAN Book News conference, and the threatening to beat up the son of a 9/11 victim, and the lying about where he grew up, and the whole Peabody Awards thing, and the false “Fair and Balanced” promise, and the fact that he’s a grade-A asshole that most conservatives don’t like, and the insistence that anyone who doesn’t appear on his show is afraid of him, and the faux-everyman demeanor, and the
continuing jihads against Jesse Jackson, rap music, George Clooney, Al Franken, the United Way, Europe, Hollywood, Bill Moyers, the entire American left, Canada and PepsiCola, AND that he lies constantly about being a conservative...
...well, he still belongs on the list, actually.
Bill O’Reilly’s ego is the Hindenburg, the Titanic, and Michael Jackson’s last album all wrapped up in one - far larger than it has any right to be, and destined to crash on a historic level. If you don’t do an interview on the Factor, you’re virtually opting out of the American discourse altogether. I’m pretty sure that he calls his penis the “Little Emperor”. He just seems like the type, doesn’t he?
O’Reilly’s forte is that of the assholius professionarius. He is the Wile E. Coyote to the rest of the world’s Road Runner, except that about 60% of the time, the Road Runner is on a different highway altogether. In those situations, he just bitches about how the Road Runner is ducking him and how if he’s morally serious about running roads, he’ll come on the Wile E. Factor and face him like a man. Otherwise, he will have lost all credibility on America’s interstate highway system.
Oh, and he’s not singling out the Road Runner. He lives in the No-Spin Zone. He attacks coyotes when they speed down his stretch of the highway, too. Stop trying to change the subject!
For this, and for so much more, he is the Most Annoying Conservative of 2003. Congratulations, Bill.
Replies: 279 mysteries
The competition's pretty steep when W. doesn't even make the top 20.
Posted by alkali @ 12/04/2003 06:45 PM EST
The more I think about it, many of the people in power aren't annoying. They're avaricious, deceitful, and most importantly, in charge - they're too important to be merely annoying.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 06:49 PM EST
A Strongbad reference!!! Pandagon's coolness just went even higher.
Posted by bdub @ 12/04/2003 06:51 PM EST
Re: #14. Say what you want about everyone else on this list, but going after Rexella van Impe... that's just cold.
Posted by Norbizness @ 12/04/2003 06:58 PM EST
That was delightful. Well done.
I just wish I'd been warned that the reference to Michael Savage fondling wax statuary was meant to be taken literally. I need to go apply Clorox to my eyeballs, now.
Posted by Yar's Revenge @ 12/04/2003 07:05 PM EST
A great list, even with the absence of Tom Delay, Fat Tony and Instapundit....
Posted by daudder @ 12/04/2003 07:07 PM EST
Rush Limbaugh. Kirby. Brilliant.
Posted by Geo @ 12/04/2003 07:11 PM EST
Just fantabulous.
Posted by Jesse B @ 12/04/2003 07:12 PM EST
OMG. I was laughing so hard the neighbor called 911. I'm sending you the ambulance bill.
Posted by Oaktown @ 12/04/2003 07:17 PM EST
Way to go pro-choice Arnold!
Free breast exams for all women in California.
Adam Sparks didn't make the list..
Posted by johnx @ 12/04/2003 07:22 PM EST
Superb choices. My honorable mention nominees:
1. Glenn "Anybody who disagrees with [insert ad hoc self-contradictory rationalization of the war and/or anything Bush does] is objectively in favor of the slaughter of Albanian orphans" Reynolds.
2. David "People in blue states drive like this! But people in red states drive like *this*! And, by the way--here's some friendlly advice for the Democrats: your ideal candidate: Mike Dukakis" Brooks.
3. James "The extremely desperate homeless man's Erma Bombeck" Lileks. (I would also call him the poor man's Andrew Sullican, except that Sully is sort of the irreducible poor man's everything, like Lenny Kravitz.)
Posted by Scott @ 12/04/2003 07:23 PM EST
Much fun was had by all. You are two wild and crazy guys.
"6. The South shalt rise againeth." Amazing.
South Park this season is kind of weird: IMO it's overwrought and preachy. The opening episode about gays making men too wimpy seemed odd, then they had the Mormons with the "dum dum dum" joke that they evidently felt their audience wouldn't catch unless they spelled it out (preachy), and the closing message that you suck balls if you object to people converting your family, and then the smoking episode where Cartman has to repeat about four times how much he loves Rob Reiner, and Stan calls him a fascist in closing about four times as well, since evidently saying it once just wouldn't cut it, as in older South Parks. The happy song the tobacco employees all sing and the explanation that tobacco slavery gave us African Americans is maybe a new edge Stone and Parker are going for. Anyway, I've seen three episodes this season and each seemed preachy and a bit hysterical. I don't remember that since their Afghan episode. I'm 40, but I think this hurts their cool. IMO South Park has jumped the shark, maybe from burnout, maybe anger at losing ground to The Daily Show, maybe a deal with backers (look at the two GOPers suddenly pushing South Park). All just speculation, natch.
Posted by John Isbell @ 12/04/2003 07:23 PM EST
Come on, Bush is number one by far. He's the only contender who's likely to drive me out of the country if I have to listen to him for another four years.
Posted by G C @ 12/04/2003 07:23 PM EST
you forgot to mention novak's teeth, those shining daggers that mysteriosusly apperared after the plame leak
Posted by snark fish @ 12/04/2003 07:24 PM EST
I'm not finished yet, but I saw the TORE UP thing in #14, and I was like, wow that reminds me of Meatwad!
Then there were Mooninites. GLORIOUS MOONINITES.
I love you Jesse.
Posted by Quain @ 12/04/2003 07:25 PM EST
Awesome list, Jesse. Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh are particularly well flayed.
Posted by Ezra @ 12/04/2003 07:28 PM EST
Jupiter resents being compared to Rush Limbaugh.
Otherwise, excellent!
Posted by deskmutton @ 12/04/2003 07:33 PM EST
Mooninites? Pffft. Everybody knows that the Plutonians are the money Aqua Teen aliens.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 07:35 PM EST
oh c'mon....where's the drunken cheerleader and his dreadful mommy?
Posted by tim @ 12/04/2003 07:40 PM EST
Nothing can defeat the Quad Laser...
The bullet is enormous! There is no escape!
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 07:44 PM EST
About Rick Santorum's dog, it is a Golden Receiver not a Golden Retriever. :)
Posted by Kev @ 12/04/2003 07:45 PM EST
You didn't mention Michael Weiner's anti-Semetic craziness (not anti-Israel, but literally Jew-hating comments) documented in FAIR/Extra. And this much cartoon referencing should include God-Man (Roy Moore?), SeaLab 2028 (the "Lorne" figure for the NRA?), Futurama (Bender for Campus Conservatives; rude, stupid and drunk), DTWOF (Sydney for Coulter as someone who sees political positions solely as a way to get attention). But very nice.
Posted by kei & yuri @ 12/04/2003 07:46 PM EST
Dude. I'm so stealing the Bender idea.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 07:55 PM EST
Probably one of the best blog pages of the year. Kudos.
Posted by moeman @ 12/04/2003 08:06 PM EST
Marvelous. Just marvelous.
Posted by Tom Spencer @ 12/04/2003 08:07 PM EST
maika'i. the Colmes letter was especially good, but assholius professionarius killed
Posted by kurt @ 12/04/2003 08:25 PM EST
Mmmmmmmmmmmm... that's good satire!
So where'd you get that old-time Mad Magazine-esque font?
Posted by dave @ 12/04/2003 08:26 PM EST
Fuck U Leftist traitors.
When you get done sucking off Saddam, Osamas waiting.
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 08:30 PM EST
Reactionary Leftists are so funny!!
But you are traitors and back stabbing election stealing thieves too so it's even.
Plus your children are ashamed of the way you have behaved.
Plus the future of America is in the conservative man's testicles. Leftist women like real men, not effeminate wimps that sell out their own country at the first opportunity..
Posted by john Nelson @ 12/04/2003 08:32 PM EST
You saying Sun Myung Moon is a real man?
Posted by R. Robot @ 12/04/2003 08:56 PM EST
C'est la plus?
How many times can "john nelson" post? We'll see!
Anyway, dave - i got it from 1001 free fonts. It's called "BadaBoomBB".
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 08:58 PM EST
I'd love to get a couple of hours with Roy Moore and read to him from the Bible. I don't think he's that familiar with it....
And, by the way, the Roy Moore entry was freaking brilliant, Jesse.
I want to hear more from John Nelson! He offers balance from the conservative side! And good writing!
Posted by jackson @ 12/04/2003 09:07 PM EST
I know, I know. You're impressed.
Hey, you're Leftists and you don't know about the real world. I understand. I got compassion for ya. Stick around and I'll teach ya real good or I'm not a confederate flag waving, metrosexual, draft doddger.
Leftist women! Leave your email addys so I can service you with my big conservative testicles.
Hoooo Yahhhh!!
Posted by Here's JOHNNY!! @ 12/04/2003 09:13 PM EST
I know, I know. You're impressed.
Hey, you're Leftists and you don't know about the real world. I understand. I got compassion for ya. Stick around and I'll teach ya real good or I'm not a confederate flag waving, metrosexual, draft dodger.
Leftist women! Leave your email addys so I can service you with my big conservative testicles.
Hoooo Yahhhh!!
Posted by Here's JOHNNY!! @ 12/04/2003 09:13 PM EST
>>
You people are the most indecent, hate-filled, sacks of pus in the entire world.
You make Saddam Hussein look good.
Posted by Terri @ 12/04/2003 09:14 PM EST
Excellent job, guys.
Posted by Mustang Bobby @ 12/04/2003 09:15 PM EST
Actually, you would be "servicing" them with your conservative penis, not your testicles. This makes me think you either have neither, or else use them so infrequently that it would serve you not to have them at all.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:15 PM EST
You people are the most indecent, hate-filled, sacks of pus in the entire world.
You make Saddam Hussein look good.
Yep. We gassed our own people. You got us.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:17 PM EST
Actually thought everything you had to say was pretty lame. Need to be a bit more creative if you're gonna make it in the big time.
Posted by CJ @ 12/04/2003 09:21 PM EST
Mm-hmm. Sure.
At least you avoided the Saddam comparisons. That's something.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:23 PM EST
I'm assuming the Bush family has a Lifetime Achievement Award.
Posted by NC Progressive @ 12/04/2003 09:27 PM EST
Every time I wander over into FreeRepublic, I'm reminded of those Chick-fil-A ads with the barely literate cows: KUT MUR TAKSES
Posted by Matt @ 12/04/2003 09:30 PM EST
Get ready for some negatives. The drooling psychos at FreeRepublic have you in their sights.
Posted by joseph @ 12/04/2003 09:30 PM EST
So good the trolls even came out of the woodwork. Take a bow Jesse, the knuckle draggers showing up is proof of your talent.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 09:31 PM EST
Yeah, someone linked to this page from Freerepublic- that's how I got here. The comments from the Freepers are pretty much par for the course. Blind hatred with nary a gram of nuance, irony, wit, etc..
But hey, I'm glad they turned me on to this page....
Posted by SonicG @ 12/04/2003 09:31 PM EST
Hello Conservatives, I am Ignignot and this is Err.
I AM ERR.
We are Leftists from the Inner Core of the Universities.
You said it right!
Our ideology is hundred of years beyond your's.
Man, do you hear what he's sayin'?
Some would say that the Right is our Left.
We're the Left!
But that would belittle the name of our left-- Which is the Left.
Point is we're at the center, not you.
Posted by Quain @ 12/04/2003 09:32 PM EST
Antonin Scalia couldn't crack the top 20? I though his performance in Lawrence v. Texas and the affirmative action cases was worthy.
Posted by Dimmy Karras @ 12/04/2003 09:33 PM EST
BTW: For some reason, "Crazy Lenny's Steaks" made me really laugh hard, and it was clearly a throwaway joke name. I just got this mental picture of some failed used car dealer or electronics salesman trying having a five alarm veal sale or something.
Must be the shrooms.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 09:35 PM EST
Awesome! Can I give it (the list) to my friends for Xmas?
Posted by Shaw Kenawe @ 12/04/2003 09:38 PM EST
Gee, that Freeper attack was AMAZING! They truly cut a swath of destruction a mile wide and leagues deep.
Christ, what a bunch of mental defectives. This is the best offense you can muster? Nonsensical ramblings about your diseased testicles?
There are middle schoolers out there who'd make you pussies cry if you got into a name calling match with them. And I'd wager they get laid more too.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 09:39 PM EST
"Could it be that I am pseudo-intellectual, convinced beyond reason of my own rightness, who lives in an isolated bubble of Leftist thought in an elitist community?
Is it possible I put my political ideology over what is good for the country by giving aid and comfort to America's wartime enemies?
Am I just a smug narcissist who looks to Big Daddy government to come to my aid like my real father did not?
Of course not, it's Daddy Bush's fault!"
Posted by Generic Democrat @ 12/04/2003 09:40 PM EST
Could it be that everything you're accusing Democrats of is actually your own problem, and you're too insecure to deal with criticism of your near-religious fervor?
Nah. At least you put together whole sentences, though. Better than Testicle up there.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:42 PM EST
quain, give him the finger.
Posted by ricky prado @ 12/04/2003 09:43 PM EST
Cum Leftist women!
My giant, conservative testicles have seed for all of you. Look at the effeminate, Leftist men next to you. They are wimps with low sperm counts.
Cum to me my sweets. I will fill your wide vulvas with a sea of semen.
You will ride my steed of a cock to heights of ultimate pleasure. You will give multiple-birth to my conservative children.
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 09:43 PM EST
But the question is...will you eat the centrist placenta?
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:44 PM EST
If we keep it up, maybe you can expand it to the top 50. As for most annoying left-of-center blogs, looks like Atrios, dKos, Marshall and Hesiod beat you out.
Posted by Bird Dog @ 12/04/2003 09:45 PM EST
President Reagan is lionized and lauded as he slowly fades away. His words will be remembered in a thousand years
clin-toon is properly regarded and exposed as the sick freak and rapist he is. His greatest claim to fame is that he is the punch line to any number of dirty jokes.
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 09:46 PM EST
Kim Du Toit = Johnny Nelson
Nice too see you finally got a proper man's name, ya big fem.
Now go out and pick up a brain and you'll be well on your way to living a normal productive life!
Keep voting Republican, you future-blind shithead! And keep drinking beer and getting stupider so you don't see them raping your country, you fucking retard! You're the best citizens money can buy!
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 09:47 PM EST
Well, good. I'm not annoying. I'm brash. There's a difference. And Daily Kos and Josh Marshall are just about the two least annoying people on the planet, but whatever.
And you all are funny, more than anything else. For instance, the insane overreaction that calling some people "annoying" is the same thing as being the dictator of a country. This is why we don't trust you people with guns and bombs and shit.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:47 PM EST
Will you lick the centrist anus?
Posted by Ezra @ 12/04/2003 09:48 PM EST
Kim Du Toit = Johnny Nelson
Nice too see you finally got a proper man's name, ya big fem.
Now go out and pick up a brain and you'll be well on your way to living a normal productive life!
Keep voting Republican, you future-blind shithead! And keep drinking beer and getting stupider so you don't see them raping your country, you fucking retard! You're the best citizens money can buy!
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 09:48 PM EST
I just LOVE the cliches! "Pseudo-intellectual," "elitist," "aid and comfort," "America's wartime enemies," "narcissist"....
And a new twist on an old one..."Big Daddy Government."
Why don't I live in an elitist community? I'm a Democrat, but I must be doing something wrong...
Posted by jackson @ 12/04/2003 09:49 PM EST
These are the hall of famers who have defeated the Clintons at every turn and even snatched the Senate and the House away from you punks while the Clintons are Destroying the Democratic party before your very eyes!
Posted by KDR @ 12/04/2003 09:49 PM EST
Oh, my god. You people are so funny. Keep it up. The testicle rant alone is worthy of at least a MAD TV skit. By tomorrow morning, we could have a Kids In The Hall sketch, perhaps even (dare I say?) a Monty Python bit.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:50 PM EST
Hahaha, all this Aqua Teen talk forced me to load up the old archives. I promise this is my last ATHF related post, and I'm just gonna do this vaguely:
Happy Time Harry and Rush Limbaugh.
Frylock where are the pills?
Pills? What do you need pills for!
Well, Happy Time Harry needs 'em, he says the pills makes the liberals go away!
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm like a Freeper with my ATHF spam.
Posted by Quain @ 12/04/2003 09:50 PM EST
I'm not annoying. I'm brash. There's a difference.
Only in your extremist mind.
Posted by Bird Dog @ 12/04/2003 09:51 PM EST
These are the hall of famers who have defeated the Clintons at every turn and even snatched the Senate and the House away from you punks while the Clintons are Destroying the Democratic party before your very eyes!
Yep. Two-term president and sitting Senator. Defeated at every turn.
You Freepers are so CUTE when you're angry. Unfortunately, it wears off after about five seconds, and then it just becomes creepily fascinating, like an Anne Geddes picture.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:51 PM EST
Only in your extremist mind.
Yep. I disagree with you. I'm an extremist. The guy at Burger King who wanted a Whopper, no pickles is also an extremist, because everyone knows you skip the mayo, not the pickles. He must hate America.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 09:53 PM EST
I don't know about lionized, but I'd certainly like to see the Gipper torn apart by lions. Meat might be a bit too stringy for the lions though.
Plus he's about as Christian as Anton LaVey, so I won't be starting some unfortunate retro-Roman empire fad or anything by suggesting such a thing happen.
Nothing shows the complete and utter stupidity of the rightards than their blind worship of Ronald Reagan. A fucking b-movie acting hack who sold guns to terrorists for hostages and armed Saddam is their hero. And we're the Saddam lovers?
Tell me Republicans, how does it feel to be stupid footsoldiers for the rich? How does it feel to be used by fat elitists who make money off of your stupidity while you struggle to make ends meet?
Ah, I guess being the waterboy for the "winning team" is better than being a "loser", isn't it? Except in your case, the jocks rape the waterboy after winning the big game by cheating like 70's Raiders.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 09:55 PM EST
Well done Jesse! Very funny. A good list and great commentary.
And yes, I'm stealing of bunch of your stuff. I'll credit you of course. But I still snaking it.
Did you know that I won a Peabody Award as well?
Thanks man, you rock.
Posted by ice weasel @ 12/04/2003 09:57 PM EST
DEMOCRAT WARS-All started under Leftist regimes
WW I
WW II
KOREAN WAR
COLD WAR
VIETNAM WAR
Communisim/Socialism/Marxism has murdered many times more human beings then Facism/Nazism
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 09:59 PM EST
IRRELEVANT POSTS - All started under Rightist posters.
THAT ONE
A BUNCH OF OTHERS
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 10:01 PM EST
What an idiotic analogy, jesse. C'mon, you're smarter than that. Or are you?
Posted by Bird Dog @ 12/04/2003 10:01 PM EST
Ooh. Bird Dog responds back with the "idiotic analogy" gambit. My liberal testicles are tingling at the challenge.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 10:02 PM EST
REPARATIONS FOR BLACKS?!
How about all the Food Stamp/Welfare/AFDC/Public Housing/Energy Supplement programs you've been given?
Seems like you've been overpayed.
Ahhh, what the hell, we're conservative, keep the change.
Posted by Good ol' Johnny! @ 12/04/2003 10:02 PM EST
Finally, someone else who feels like I do about Anne Geddes. That cracked me up, Jesse.
Posted by Shoveldog @ 12/04/2003 10:03 PM EST
Cum on Leftist women, spread those hairy legs.
My email addys below.
XXOO
Posted by Johnny Nelson (The Great One) @ 12/04/2003 10:04 PM EST
"DEMOCRAT WARS-All started under Leftist regimes
WW I
WW II
KOREAN WAR
COLD WAR
VIETNAM WAR
Communisim/Socialism/Marxism has murdered many times more human beings then Facism/Nazism"
Jesus Christ, you are one dumb fucking troll.
WWI - Yeah, that Woodrow Wilson was some liberal all right. All that stuff about Yellow Peril? Totally in line with mainstream liberal thought of today. Not to mention the fact that WE DIDN'T START THE FUCKING WAR, YOU PEA-BRAIN COCKSUCKER.
WWII - Well gee dipshit, maybe you'd rather we'd have let the Japanese take us over? Or perhaps the Germans? Hell, maybe they'd split between the two of them. Sure, you'd get to kill Jews, but something tells me the rest of us wouldn't be real happy being a colony again, considering THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON WE BECAME OUR OWN COUNTRY IN THE FIRST PLACE, DUMBASS. And again, we didn't start it, we were ATTACKED.
Cold War - Not a real war, and even so, why are you citing the "war" that your precious Ronald Reagan won for us single handedly? Oh wait, I forgot, you're a moron.
Korean War - Don't worry dummy! If your moron President gets his way, we'll get a do-over on this one, only this time North Korea will have nukes! Yay for sequels!
Vietnam War - First advisors sent to Vietnam under....EISENHOWER. REPUBLICAN. Try again, dumbfuck. Or just shoot yourself and do us all the favor of never having to read your ignorant ramblings ever again.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:07 PM EST
Nice list, Jesse. Enjoyed immensely. The Colmes letter rocked.
Posted by Darkwater @ 12/04/2003 10:09 PM EST
I don't mind a little back and forth, jesse, but please, keep your liberal testicles out of it. Yuck.
Posted by Bird Dog @ 12/04/2003 10:10 PM EST
To Leftists who define patriotism so that it covers their repugnant speech and behavior, I say: look up the word!!It has a discrete meaning!! Yes, Free Republic runs the gamut from the inane to the eloquent.But love of country and a zeal to defend it runs throughout the threads Come to think of it, that pretty well defines patriotism.[note to editor: insert "progressive" ridicule at this point]. Naive Freepers don't think America and George Bush are the major threats to world peace. I've noticed a trend for the Left to blame George Bush for terrorist attacks since the 9/11 atrocities.Yes,Mr. Progressive, Bush got them angry post 9/11, maybe surprised them too. If only he had been concilatory toward the freedom fighters, understood their justifiable motives, and changed the offensive policies that prompted their attacks, so much of this ongoing unpleantness could have been avoided.
Posted by luvbach1 @ 12/04/2003 10:10 PM EST
Congrats on the great list, I think many of us needed a good laugh.
Posted by Keithk @ 12/04/2003 10:11 PM EST
The Internet was started by the conservatives at DARPA and it will always be the domain of the free-thinking anti-Left. Leftism cannot take competition, it cannot allow anyone to opt-out of its machinations. The Internet cannot be strangled by any government and will always be an avenue of dissent for the true majority of people who want government to leave us the hell alone. You Lefties use the Internet at your peril. BWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA!!!!
Posted by Anti-Commie @ 12/04/2003 10:12 PM EST
This was priceless, Jesse. I am in awe of you and your testicles.
Posted by apostropher @ 12/04/2003 10:12 PM EST
DEMOCRAT WARS-All started under Leftist regimes
WW I
WW II
KOREAN WAR
COLD WAR
VIETNAM WAR
Communisim/Socialism/Marxism has murdered many times more human beings then Facism/Nazism
Posted by Johnny Nelson
So your blaming communism for the wars we got into with communism? In the Cold War, Korea and Vietnam. I suppoes it was a communist plot that got us into the bay of pigs too, right. And are you seriously claiming that the US getting involved in WW1 and WW2 are comparable to the atrocities of Stalin and Chairman Mao?
And are you really defending Facism? cause I thought that was leftist plot too.
And refering to any ruling regime in the United States as "Leftist" is laughable on its face. There has never been a leftist regime in the United States. Center Left establismentarian, sure. But leftist? Go drink some more Wild turkey dude, you're brain hasn't rotted away enough
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 10:12 PM EST
I don't know why I bother. This is like the old flamewars we had in college, only writ on a larger stage and with bigger egos. The whole "blogosphere" is like that. Such a waste of time.
But Johnny Nelson... what the fuck are you smoking? Do you really think that Reagan's words will be remembered in 1000 years? Okay, in a thousand years you will probably be able to get some sort of media with "collected speeches of US Presidents, 1776-2276" or some such. But if you really think that Ronnie's best lines will be widely known 1000 years from now, you have passed from hero worship to insanity. The only one I remember is "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" , and that will fade from memory when you and I are gone.
Oh yeah, you gotta love those chemical weapons Ronnie sold to Iraq. Such a principled defender of human freedom.
Sheesh.
Posted by Nate @ 12/04/2003 10:13 PM EST
Dear Luvbach1,
Please suck a tailpipe, swallow a shotgun, or chow down on a tasty rat poison and arsenic sandwich, you pathetic waste of sperm and egg. Either start using your brain, or stop sucking up the rest of humanity's oxygen.
All my hate,
Bill
P.S. How's that for repugnant, you babbling retard?
P.P.S. Jesus wants me to tell you: He hates you.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:15 PM EST
By the way, first advisors were sent to Vietnam under Kennedy. I was in Army then and I KNOW! And poster who said it was under Eisenhower should have known!! But in his post he appeared to be mistaken at the top of his voice!
Posted by luvbach1 @ 12/04/2003 10:15 PM EST
I must say I totally enjoyed reading this! However, Ann Coulter should have been #1.
Posted by Rita @ 12/04/2003 10:16 PM EST
Anti-commie, I have never before seen your peculiar notion of libertarianism that celebrates university types developing the internet using big-government
(D)ARPA money as a model way to do things.
Posted by Nate @ 12/04/2003 10:19 PM EST
OMG! Hi I'm luvbach and I don't believe in any other punctuation but exclamation points! And even though you're right about Kennedy it's a moot point because Johnny Nelson is a fucking retard and his incoherent rant made no sense! Do you idiots all live under power lines! Once again please kill yourself and any melon-headed offspring you may have sired in your no doubt too long existence on this planet!
P.S. Jesus still hates you!
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:19 PM EST
The NRA black list is interesting. It really underscores how far out-of-mainstream the NRA is, that virtually every corner of American life is for what this organization is against. It really does a fine job of documenting what a whack-job organization the NRA is.
Posted by Paul Dienel @ 12/04/2003 10:19 PM EST
Jesse--another triumph.
* * *
A fucking b-movie acting hack who sold guns to terrorists for hostages and armed Saddam is their hero.
In fairness, I think he was too far gone at that point to know what was happening. Despite the adamantine denial of his fetishists, (a) Alzheimer's is not a short-onset disease and (b) the government did not come up with a special quick-acting version of it just for Reagan.
Posted by Molly, NYC @ 12/04/2003 10:20 PM EST
And poster who said it was under Eisenhower should have known!! But in his post he appeared to be mistaken at the top of his voice!
Posted by luvbach1
Well you surely wouldn't know about posting things at the top of your voice! Would You!?! You never say anything at the top up your voice! And are you really intimating that the Vietnam war was a leftist plot for us to fight the communists! Do you have any idea how incoherant that sounds?!? And if you're going to defend Facism and/or Naziism, you are less than a fool, you are brain dead!
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 10:20 PM EST
Dear Bill.
Thanks for illustrating my points with your arrogant, repugnant, leftist, elitism.
Posted by luvbach1 @ 12/04/2003 10:20 PM EST
I used to play golf. There was an asshole like Bill O'Reilly in every club; loud mouth drunk with attitude.
Posted by Don beal @ 12/04/2003 10:21 PM EST
I've got to say, I really enjoy smacking the freepers around. It's like duck hunting, only the ducks are retarded, they can't fly, and I have a bazooka.
Y'all come back now, ya hear?
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:21 PM EST
Remember the anti-American rant by STARPASS made on DUmmies (DemRat Underground) about 10 days ago.
Well, here it is. This is what you Leftists are all about isn't it?
You will never be allowed to regain power.
IT IS NOTEWORTHY THAT IT WAS LEFT UP FOR RESPONSE FOR SOME 18 HOURS AND RECEIVED SUPPORT AND TOLERANCE. iT ONLY CAME DOWN WHEN WORD GOT OUT ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET THANKS TO YOURS RULY OF COURSE. ALSO NOTE THE RACIAL EPITHET USED NEAR THE END
HERE IS HER RANT.:
----------------------------------
I Hope the Bloodshed Continues in Iraq
Well, that should bring the bats out of the attic with fangs dripping. I won't be hypocritcal. It is politically correct, particularly in any Dem discussion to hope and pray and feel for our troops and scream "bring them back now". I'm fighting something bigger.
I'm a 58 year old broad and I can tell you that what is going on in our country isn't the usual ebb and flow of politics where one party is in power and then another; where the economy goes through ups and downs.......yawn, yawn--just wait a bit and things will turn out peachy keen. That stupid la-la land is over.
I realize that not every GI Joe was 100peeercent behind Prseeedent Booosh going into this war; but I do know that that is what an overwhelming number of them and their famlies screamed in the face of protesters who were trying to protect these kids. Well, there is more than one way to be "dead" for your country. They are not only not accompishing squat in Iraq, they are doing crap nothing for the safety, defense of the US of A over there directly. But "indirectly" they are doing a lot.
The only way to get rid of this slime bag WASP-Mafia, oil barron ridden cartel of a government, this assault on Americans and anything one could laughingly call "a democracy", relies heavily on what a shit hole Iraq turns into. They need to die so that we can be free. Soldiers usually did that directly--i.e., fight those invading and harming a country. This time they need to die in defense of a lie from a lying adminstration to show these ignorant, dumb Americans that Bush is incompetent. They need to die so that Americans get rid of this deadly scum. It is obscene, Barbie Bush, how other sons (of much nobler blood) have to die to save us from your Rosemary's Baby spawn and his ungodly cohorts.
Posted by Johnny Nelson & STARPASS @ 12/04/2003 10:22 PM EST
Oh Bill, re your Jesus comment, I'm an agnostic. Figure that one out.
Posted by luvvbach1 @ 12/04/2003 10:22 PM EST
Is "elitism" the only insulting noun you all know? Just asking.
I mean, I'm obviously a better American than all of you Constitution-hating conservatives, but Jesus - are any of us allowed to have any countervailing opinions, or is disagreement the first and only sign of treason?
If so, can I get my "I'm A Dirty Traitor" t-shirt now? I need to do some work around the house this weekend.
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 10:23 PM EST
God forbid someone point out that something you said was wrong! or irrelevant to the topic that it was addresded to! Now I know that it is arrogant and elitist!
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 10:23 PM EST
Wilson started the League of Nations - he was a one-worlder Leftie if he was anything. No conservative would have anything to do with inherently corrupt worldwide organizations.
Roosevelt got us into WWII thru the backdoor. Typical Dem-slimeball.
Truman pussied out in Korea - THATS WHY THE WAR IS STILL NOT OVER! Dont your Marxist professors teach you this shit Lefties??
Yes, Eisenhower had some troops in Vietnam. He had troops in about 60 nations during the 50's. So what? The war didn't start 'til the over-drugged and over-sexed son of America's number one crime family arrived. That's the Kennedy's for you government-school grads.
Reagan ended the Cold-war. and Dubya will end WW IV agains the Islamists.
By the way, its nice to see the modern Left show it's anti-Semitic colors just as that other Leftist - Adolf Hitler - leader of the National Socialist Workers Party did not so long ago.
By the by the way. Mussolini was the Che Guevara of his era. He was a Leftist also.
Leftism kills - 100 million in the 1900's. I wonder how many in the 2000's?
Posted by Anti-Commie @ 12/04/2003 10:24 PM EST
Oh no! they are on to my elitism!
That's right, luvbach, we "leftists" (I use the word sparingly for Noam Chomsky and his like, but some folks seem to that John McCain and Joe Lieberman are leftists, so if they are I must be too), er, anyway we "leftists" are THE ELITE. Don't you want to be part of an elite political force as well? It's like joining the special forces, but with less shooting and more debating. Maybe if you study really hard, one day you can join the elite and become a "leftist". Like Nelson Rockefeller or John Kennedy. But with more exclamation points.
Posted by Nate @ 12/04/2003 10:26 PM EST
Dear luvbach,
Was repugnant today's word of the day on your calendar, bright eyes?
Anyway, my post proved nothing about liberals because:
a.) I'm not one.
b.) I'm trolling much in the same spirit that you and your pinheaded brethren are, only in reverse
c.) Not all liberals conform to your narrow minded caricature of what liberals think. You have no idea what real liberals think, because idiots like you always come sauntering in with your biased models, straight from Rush's mouth to your mushy brains, and then when we DARE to get pissed at your bullshit pigeonholing, you go "SEE THAT PROVES IT DUHHH! YOU LIBERALS AM MEAN US CONSERVATIVES AM SMART AND NICER CUZ THE PRESIDENT LUVS JEEZUS!"
d.) You're a fucking moron, and I'm trolling you, and you're falling for it.
e.) Go suck on Barbara Bush's diseased drooping labia, you half-wit.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:26 PM EST
Shorter everyone:
CONSERVATIVES: Everything about liberals is evil and wrong and should be destroyed, and the disgusting elitism on display here is simply proof of that.
LIBERALS: What the fuck?
CONSERVATIVES: Exactly.
Can we skip over the next 200 comments? Please?
Posted by jesse @ 12/04/2003 10:27 PM EST
*WOW!*
DID YOU READ WHAT STARPASS SAID?
MY GOD EVEN "LEFTIES" KUCINICH, BRAUN AND SHARPTON WERE BACKPEDALING AWAY FROM THAT ONE!
DUMBOCRAT UNDERGROUND YOU ARE HILARIOUS. KEEP UP THE TRAITOR WORK.
Posted by Johhny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 10:27 PM EST
The best thing at Freepug is when the ex-jarheads challenge each other to duels...undercover troll there to encourage this...Why aren't some of them defending Moon?? They post WT articles there about as much as they post the Debka lunacies and then blabber on about "gittin tha terrasts..." while, correct me, if I'm wrong Birddog, the article about the right wing nuts in Jersey actually possessing basic ingredients of deadly materials has never been posted. Naw, they'd rather spend 1,000 posts talking about, "well, maybe Rush was doing sumthin a litlte rong but..."
Posted by SonicG @ 12/04/2003 10:28 PM EST
Carpbasman: I wasnot intimating anything. Just correcting the erroneous post. Poster obviously was intimating the Dems had nothing to do with initiation of our Vietnam involvement.
Posted by luvbach1 @ 12/04/2003 10:29 PM EST
COME ON LEFTIST FROM DUmmies. WHAT ABOUT:
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
STARPASS*
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 10:33 PM EST
Dear Anti-Commie,
Communism died as a viable entity about a decade ago. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but your insane, paranoid delusional rantings are out of date. The new hotness conservatism is to claim religious persecution by evil intolerant liberals who won't let you pray in school and kill all those dirty Muslims and Kikes!
Please report to your nearest GOP Team Leader so your talking points can be refreshed.
Or, ya know, just go play in traffic and spare us your idiotic shit.
World War IV? God damn, you fuckheads just keep getting dumber. How long before you devolve to the point where your opposable thumbs fall off? Oh that's right, YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION! HAH!
Have fun becoming extinct, Johnny Cro-Mag. You and your entire way of life are becoming more and more irrelevant with each increasing day. You're the human version of the Betamax.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:33 PM EST
Is it something genetic that makes them hit the caps lock key when they're upset?
What the fuck?
Posted by jackson @ 12/04/2003 10:37 PM EST
Dear Johnny Nelson,
This is not Democratic Underground. I can understand how you'd be confused, since you're a fucking idiot and all, but if you have a complaint with what some jackass named Starpass said on there, here's an idea:
GO THERE AND COMPLAIN, YOU FUCKING MORON!
Christ, do you go to the Post Office and complain about them not putting secret sauce on your Big Mac?
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:37 PM EST
I wonder if Johnny Nelson is related to Ricky Nelson?
Posted by 2shoes @ 12/04/2003 10:37 PM EST
By the way, its nice to see the modern Left show it's anti-Semitic colors just as that other Leftist - Adolf Hitler - leader of the National Socialist Workers Party did not so long ago.
By the by the way. Mussolini was the Che Guevara of his era. He was a Leftist also."
There it is the Fascists were left-wing card, I knew you guys could play that one
"Poster obviously was intimating the Dems had nothing to do with initiation of our Vietnam involvement."
Actually we're not talking about Democrats/Republicans. We're talking "leftists" who have never had much welcome in either party. An Wilson was an admirer of thee KKK, so he was a proto-fascist not a leftist. Oh I forgot, fascists are left wing.
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 10:38 PM EST
I feel like I'm playing Hogan's Alley: The Conservative Dipshit Edition.
So, who wants to get bitchslapped next? LINE STARTS HERE FREEPTARDS, TAKE A NUMBER!
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:39 PM EST
Or maybe just plain Nelson?
Posted by 2shoes @ 12/04/2003 10:40 PM EST
All-caps is easier when you go all squinty-eyed and start wanking yrself: "ohjesus,uhuh, bring the rapture soon,uhuh, burn the libral infidel demons,uhuh, and take me to heaven to be with youuuuuuuuhhhhh."
But I'm feeling a bit o'religiosity right now- The ghost o'Bill Hicks- indeed, my man.
Posted by SonicG @ 12/04/2003 10:42 PM EST
Dear SonicG,
Look under your chair, I left five grams of dried shrooms. Let's go man, UFOs ain't gonna wait for ever brother. We can spend the first hour giggling at these mongoloids, and after that the mothership should descend. I'll get Lenny Bruce to cover for us while we're gone.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:44 PM EST
Cool, hate mail from a freeper!
"You burn Old Glory today traitor?"
Why, yes I did, but not before smoking a bowl and pissing on a picture of Ronnie beforehand!
Burning the flag was just the postscript to my elitist orgy.
Posted by jackson @ 12/04/2003 10:44 PM EST
Oh I forgot, fascists are left wing.
And Leftists are fascists in comfortable shoes.
Posted by 2shoes @ 12/04/2003 10:44 PM EST
"By the by the way. Mussolini was the Che Guevara of his era. He was a Leftist also."
Paris? Is that you? I'm, like, really pissed! C'mon, put down that grain alcohol and hurry up and get back here in the barn. There's, like, still some more milking to do and you better help me!
Posted by Nicole @ 12/04/2003 10:45 PM EST
Dear Freepers,
Please, just stop all this nonsense now. I never authorized killing for any reason, nor did I intend for fat tubs of crap like Jerry Falwell to represent me. You kids let things get way out of hand, to the point where you're building graven images of stuff my dad said when he was drunk and defying perfectly reasonable laws because of it.
Is it too much to ask you people just to try and not be assholes for about a century or so? I'm trying to get some sleep, and it is almost my 20036th birthday, you know. Help a brutha out.
Love,
Jesus
P.S. I never talked to Dubya, that was just Moses prank calling him. He really hates that prick.
Posted by Jesus Christ, Lord And Savior, C.P.A. @ 12/04/2003 10:48 PM EST
PREFACE TO HILLARY'S BOOK*
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The author gratefully acknowledges the inspiration he received in her
political career from three great Americans:
Senator Joseph McCarthy, General Charles Lindbergh, General Douglas
MacArthur. (No implication is here intended that these men are or were members of the American Nazi Party.)
In addition, not only the author, but the entire White Race and the
American Republic owe an incalculable debt to three men who actually helped
in the creation of the only real counter-force openly opposing the
International Zionist-Bolshevik, race-mixing criminal conspiracy,
The American Nazi Party:
DEDICATION
TO: ADOLF HITLER!
Like spiritual giants before you, you were cursed and driven to death by spiritual pygmies for daring to stand up for a new and vital truth.
Your heroic people lie silent, bound in golden chains and torn between the two criminal gangs of Bolsheviks and Zionists.
I helped to bomb and burn millions of your brave young men. Your blue-eyed young mothers were raped and murdered by Soviet and Negro savages. The millions of little blond boys and girls you loved so well lie moldering in acres of devastation and ruin.
Millions of my fellow Americans, British, French and others of our
racial comrades, all as ignorant as I once was, were slaughtered and maimed fighting for these same two filthy gangs of Zionists and Bolsheviks.
The Weltfeind cringes like the Devil at the sign of the cross. Your mighty spirit has inspired millions with the Holy Truth. From all over the earth, faintly at first, comes the sound of marching boots - louder and
louder they grow! Listen! They are singing!
"Die Fahne Hoch! Die Reihen fest geschlossen!"
Out of the mud and slime of lies, your holy red, white and black
Swastika has been flung back into the skies in the United States of America, and we pledge you our lives, Adolf Hitler, that we shall not flag or fail until we have utterly destroyed the forces of Marxism and darkness.
HEIL HITLER!
"It is necessary that I should die for my people; but my spirit will rise from the grave and the world will know that I was right."
Posted by Hillary Clinton @ 12/04/2003 10:48 PM EST
Ouch. this is a whuppin' Jesse is handing out. Can't you Freepers find better representatives? These ones are making you look like morons.
Conservative's testicles indeed.
Posted by Ezra @ 12/04/2003 10:51 PM EST
Holy shit.
That was either the greatest piece of satire ever, or the most batshit insane thing ever written. And that includes "A Charge To Keep".
Bravo, you magnificent bastard, whoever you are.
Posted by The Ghost of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:51 PM EST
HEY HICKS! YOU WERE A LOUSY COMIC.
IF I AM BECOMING EXTINCT HOW COME THE LEFT IS COMPLETELY OUT OF POWER?
LOL!!
Johnny Nelson
Posted by BILLL HICKS SPEAKS OUT OF HIS ANUS @ 12/04/2003 10:52 PM EST
Jeez Ezra, Jesse's doing all the whuppin? I've been smiting these Hannitites for nigh on an hour here, where are my props?
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 10:53 PM EST
"And Leftists are fascists in comfortable shoes."
Well true, most of the actual marxists I've met tended to wear sandles, while facists are given to military garb.
However A leftist cannot by definition be a communist, retard, because Fascism was a rightwing reaction against communism where the coporate and the state interests merged under a rubric of rabid nationalism. What does that sound an awful lot like, HMMMMM. Oh, what people at FreeRepugnant want to bring about.
Posted by carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 10:54 PM EST
Congrats Jesse!
Moron-America has discovered Pandagon!
The few coherent conservatives aside... I almost pissed myself when I saw a few of the comments from the Freepers. God, what maroons.
... And just a quick note to Johnny Nelson: I'll claim STARPASS as a Democrat as soon as you take credit for Timothy McVeigh. Jesus, you obviously score very well on the logic and reasoning sections of standardized tests, don't you.
NOMINATION FOR AN HONORABLE MENTION TO THE 20 MOST ANNOYING CONSERVATIVES: FREEREPUBLIC.COM
Posted by def rimjob @ 12/04/2003 10:54 PM EST
They haven't quite mastered the technique of cutting off mics on the internet.
Posted by Quain @ 12/04/2003 10:54 PM EST
Bill Hicks - what a weenie boy. Bill Hicks fans think they're intelligent, but they are the same self-loathing losers that Bill Hicks was. Apparently you weenies are not used to disagreements. That's typical of Liberalism's lack of, uh, liberalism.
Incidentally, Marxism isn't dead, I hear Marxist constructs used all the time in Lib/Dem arguments. It has been so imbedded in the mainstream thought that its not thought of as an external perspective. All the 'rich-getting-richer' crap and the status given to so-called victim groups are all Marxist arguments.
I say, if the rich get richer, so what? As for victim groups? When being a part of an 'approved and recognized' victims group actually invokes and envied status, then the word victim has lost its meaning.
Bye bye lib-weenie-lefty-circle-jerkers. I'm going to visit Lucianne, or Freerepublic, or Town Hall, or WorldNetDaily, or Newsmax, or Fox.com, or NRO, or Drudge.
Man we OWWWWWWNNNN this freaking medium.
Posted by Anti-Commie @ 12/04/2003 10:55 PM EST
"Bye bye lib-weenie-lefty-circle-jerkers. I'm going to visit Lucianne, or Freerepublic, or Town Hall, or WorldNetDaily, or Newsmax, or Fox.com, or NRO, or Drudge.
Man we OWWWWWWNNNN this freaking medium."
You might want to try some books. Oh, sorry that was just my elitism.
Haha, what delicious Irony "In our time, as cesspool of movement conservatism, FreeRepublic and all its spawn, Owned the internet."
Hwey llok the freeptards said they owned the internet. What liars!. Hey guys wanna buy the Brookly Bridge? Cool! I'll trade the internet for it.
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 11:00 PM EST
OH HEAVENS! A LOUSY COMIC! WHAT A STINGING BARB! WHATEVER WILL I SAY TO SUCH A WITTY BON MOT?
Oh yeah, you're still a fucking subhuman jackass with the IQ of a wet beanie baby.
And as for the left not being in power: Don't you get it, you fucking feeb? It's all a god damn show. The whole right/left division is a distraction that the rich use to divide the poor and middle classes to distract us from the fact that they're raping our country. You think George Bush gives a shit about the core values of conservatism? All he cares about is MONEY, you idiot, and if he can get that money by convincing idiots like you that your fellow citizens are evil socialists bent on taking your bibles or some other such nonsense, he'll do so.
He's a fucking PHARISEE. He's a god damn money lender in the temple, and he keeps stealing your wallet when you're not looking.
When are you feebs going to get it through your thick skulls that their propaganda only serves THEM and divides US?
Fuck it, you're too busy feeling like you're part of some winning team, when the victory parade is slated to bulldoze your house and piss on the rubble. BUT YOU WON! YAY FOR YOU!
Christ, I'm glad I'm dead.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 11:00 PM EST
Yeah, well Ghost O'Bill, hold off on the Mothership for a bit, you still have a few scores to settle with recent born again repug dickwad, Dennis Miller, who seemed to think Bill Hicks was funny enough to rip his material off. But now, comic "geenus" that he is, he feels that licking Conservative ass is even funnier than his old material. And, it is! Look for Miller on this list next year.
Posted by SonicG @ 12/04/2003 11:03 PM EST
Dear Anti-Commie,
Jesus, you sure like weenies don't you? In the closet much?
And WOW! SIX WEBSITES! OUT OF LITERALLY MILLIONS OF WEBSITES! You totally own the discourse, DUDE! ROCK!
Yep, there's the right, and there's 14 year old girl's slambooks. It's their world people, we just live in it.
Sometimes I love you idiots in spite of yourselves. I'm still gonna piss on your heads when you sleep though. And Kinison's gonna take a shit in your sinks.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 11:05 PM EST
Hicks, you are a pathetic loser.
What'd you do, pick up a "Communist Party USA" pamphlet off the Men's room floor?
Get your head out of that propaganda and into real life, ya friggin idiot.
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 11:06 PM EST
Breasticles!!! Judge Rudy Roy Moore.
They say that monument was carved out of solid dolomite.
Posted by Elias @ 12/04/2003 11:09 PM EST
"Get your head out of that propaganda and into real life, ya friggin idiot."
A sweaty palmed, self-professed owner of suprmemly verile testicles who got here via a link from Freerepublic said that.
Hey Nelson, here's a hint, despite what you're propaganda addled brain may think, I'd be willing to bet that the number of people who read this site on a daily basis that are actual "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need" marxists is approximately 0.005 percent.
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 11:11 PM EST
Friggin?
Did Mommy turn NetNanny on Johnny? Won't she let you curse like the big boys?
Here ya go, this one's on the house:
FUCK.
As in FUCK YOU.
Or GO FUCK YOURSELF. You're probably real familiar with that one.
How about YOU'RE A FUCKIN INSECT, YOU FUCKING FUCK.
How about FUCK, as in the verb which women won't conjugate with you unless you pay them.
Honestly, how devoid of any intellectual muscle are you twats? Do you honestly think calling people Communists is a real insult? It means about as much to me as it would you calling me, say, Buddha, or Mohammed, or Vishnu, or Santa Claus.
Now can you decide what all these things have in common, bright boy?
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 11:11 PM EST
Get your women over here to me before my cock falls off from self abuse.
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 11:13 PM EST
DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DUHH!
DUH!
DUH!!!!!!!!!!!
DUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMUNISTS!
DUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Johnny Nelson @ 12/04/2003 11:16 PM EST
God DAMN! I haven't had this much fun since that day Kinison and I were following Bill Bennet around to all those casinos and making him lose on all those slots. Watching his big pasty white ham of a face turn beet red was priceless, but this is almost as good.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 11:19 PM EST
"God DAMN! I haven't had this much fun since that day Kinison and I were following Bill Bennet around to all those casinos and making him lose on all those slots. Watching his big pasty white ham of a face turn beet red was priceless, but this is almost as good. "
Yeah, but giving Rush that "back pain" *cough*pilonidal cyst*chough* so that he'd get hooked on oxycotin was mean. Wait. No it wasn't. :)
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/04/2003 11:24 PM EST
They've already pulled the linking thread at Freerepug. Too much vitriol and hate for them. They don't want it to interfere with discussing which "librul varmint" they're going hang from which flagpole. Such love thy enemy types over there...oh sorry that's a Christian concept and we ALL know Jesus was a communist. You can tell 'cuz he's got a Mexskin name...
Posted by SonicG @ 12/04/2003 11:25 PM EST
Poor commie libs, keep on bitching and we keep on winning because we are right and you are wrong
Posted by Bob Greene @ 12/04/2003 11:27 PM EST
Shit, I wish I could take credit for Rushbo, but that was all Lenny. He's got a slow burn process that I felt would suit that fat pig-fucker much better than my over the top antics. I would have just got a rhino to escape from the zoo and rape him.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/04/2003 11:30 PM EST
""Bye bye lib-weenie-lefty-circle-jerkers. I'm going to visit Lucianne, or Freerepublic, or Town Hall, or WorldNetDaily, or Newsmax, or Fox.com, or NRO, or Drudge."
We still got the New York Times -- want to compare influence?
Posted by Ezra @ 12/04/2003 11:41 PM EST
I have read through all these posts and I see an unmistakable trend. The Freeper comes in screaming about the evil liberal. A liberal offers constructive critiques to debate his contentions. The freeper then ignores the debate and continues to call people antiquated slurs.
Are conservatives really incapable of following an argument through to it's conclusion?
Jesse, Good list, but I would have definitely added Richard Perle. The bastard is an inside dealer's inside dealer that was a main cheerleader for the war. I am sure he will get off scott free from any conflict of interest charges, but he is a right-wing bastard nonetheless.
Posted by Scott Fanetti @ 12/04/2003 11:47 PM EST
Are these any of these Freepers going to actually defend their conservative heroes, or keep up the ad hominem attacks on liberals?
It's like watching two children argue with one another.
"Your mom sucks!" "Yeah? Well you suck!" "What about your mom?" "Shut up, you suck!"
Posted by Kamikaze @ 12/04/2003 11:48 PM EST
Need I remind everyone it's still Ignore the Brownshirts Week?
Posted by dave @ 12/04/2003 11:51 PM EST
i got (the font) from 1001 free fonts. It's called "BadaBoomBB".
Great stuff - looks like the title lettering that used to appear in Mad when Kurtzman was running the show...
Posted by dave @ 12/04/2003 11:57 PM EST
Ahhh, more conservative trash. Righties will burn in hell with their cowboy president and King Alzheimer Reagan.
Posted by Thomas Paine @ 12/05/2003 12:12 AM EST
This thread is Internet/political gold. A veritable diamond in the rough.
Posted by Tabris @ 12/05/2003 12:25 AM EST
1. Jesse--phenomenal work as always.
2. In re: Democrat wars: Golly, I'm sorry we horrid Democrats got us into World War II. Our bad. Ditto the Cold War. Next time, we'll just let the Commies win.
3. Freepers: oh, my, you guys are getting your lunch eaten. Come on, people. Citing an insane post from Democratic Underground? Yammering about Democrat Wars? Tell me you have more than that. Your whole ideology is at stake here. Tell me you haven't based your defense on an insane lefty and a Bob Dole line from the '76 Vice Presidential debate.
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
4. Just a thought: if the Democrats got us into the Cold War, they were fighting Communism, and if Democrats were fighting Communism, doesn't that pretty much invalidate the entire central premise of Treason? Man, Ann Coulter had almost convinced me that 133 million americans were engaged in subversive activities against the United States, but now...well, I've got some rethinking to do.
Again, thanks Jesse. Up your hole with peace, love, and sooooooul.....
Posted by Jeff Fecke @ 12/05/2003 12:31 AM EST
Jesse:
Brilliant. Eddie Izzard, gnomes and mooninites - I am in awe :)
Freepers:
Who still uses "commie" as an insult? That is soooooooooooooooo 1980's. Trty and keep up, please. The proper right wing mindless attack to use when you are presented with an argument you cannot understand is "Saddam Lover." NOT, I repeat NOT "Osama lover." Since Bush no longer publically speaks of Osama, it is bad form to invoke his name.
Posted by kevin @ 12/05/2003 12:32 AM EST
Freepers are funny.
I look forward to the eventual backlash that hits them so hard it snaps their puny necks.
Posted by steveafairandbalancedliberal @ 12/05/2003 12:41 AM EST
Nice job, jesse. My favorites were the Moonies and Bill O'Reilly.
Some notable omissions who'll hopefully make it next year if they keep up their annoyance:
-Ben "Virginthustra" Shapiro.
-National Review Online as a whole.
Posted by John Lotts Calculator @ 12/05/2003 12:55 AM EST
fine work.
Posted by drapetomaniac @ 12/05/2003 12:59 AM EST
Well, let me be the first one to stand up and say you Freeper-types can call me a communist, a socialist, an anarchist, whatever you want. Not one of those "insults" would land that far from the mark.
I believe that working people are better than people that don't work, and that the system of government that seeks to strip them of their rights, their means to make a decent living, their ability to see a doctor when they are sick, is perverse, and at its base, evil. Greed is bad, and it perverts men into twisted old bags with bad tickers, like Dick Cheney. (If he had spent two months a year growing his own food or even just chopping his own firewood, he wouldn't be the bloated shitbag with a bad heart that he is now, ¿sabe?)
Would I want to see Durutti in the White House, or Subcomandante Marcos in the State Department? Fuck no. I don't care about seizing power. That's for guys with Great Big Conservative Testicles. (that really was a tragically stoopid thing to say, asshole.)
What would I like to seize? The throat of the man that slaps his bread out of the hand of another man. If you Freepers want to stand up for that kind of 'leadership' and you can march to that drumbeat, well good for you, fat boy. Health tip: Stay out of Chiapas.
Remember,
¡La proxima visita sera con dinamita!
tierra y libertad, baby.
Posted by patrick @ 12/05/2003 01:02 AM EST
"The proper right wing mindless attack to use when you are presented with an argument you cannot understand is "Saddam Lover.""
Hey, what happened to "Saddam Apologist"? Don't tell me my opponents have been using outdated slurs against me. Keerist, I always get the bottom of the barrel bobbleheads to argue against.
Posted by Robert @ 12/05/2003 01:07 AM EST
This was excellent; the meanest fun I've had in years. Anyhoo, me and the other 6 billion are wondering if we can pencil in our buddies, the good ol' US-eroonie for a period of isolationism, say starting next February? No offense, but the noise is keeping everyone up at nights; Canada's gotten really bitchy, Germany is having way too many night-caps and New Zealand is so twitchy and nervous we've had to sedate her. Think of it as restorative, not punitive (...if that helps). Anyway let us know.
Luv 'n hugs
PS. No one hates your freedoms; they're just too gosh darn cute
Posted by The Rest of the World @ 12/05/2003 01:09 AM EST
Yes, I really wish the government would stop doing things like funding DARPA and just leave us alone. Moron.
Fascism, according to Mussilini, was the combination of state and corporate power. Modern day leftism is an attempt to use state power to slow down corporations. That makes them opposite. Moron.
The Left has given this country most of the great things we have. From the 40 hour work week and paid overtime to an environmental policy that has actually made some progress at cleaning up rivers from the Charles to the Missisippi.
And now the Left has given us this list.
Posted by Dan @ 12/05/2003 01:14 AM EST
That was hillarious, jesse. Thanks a bunch!
Posted by theyeti @ 12/05/2003 01:16 AM EST
Ghost,
You are so cool!! And funny!!
If you don't alreay have a blog, you should get one going. I'll really love to hear more from you!
Posted by Casin @ 12/05/2003 01:37 AM EST
OMG, you made my day! This is too good!
Er....Freepers....I strongly suggest you visit the nearest bar and try to find some drunken sot who'll represent your POV better, and more cogently, than you do.
LOL! They're scared of SATIRE? Hilarious.
Posted by Julie in MD @ 12/05/2003 01:42 AM EST
Jeebus. What is it with all the recent Nazis-were-leftists "comebacks"? I mean, is there possibly any better way to prove to the world that you are a complete redneck know-nothing with the rough IQ of a Burger King ketchup packet? Yeah, that Hitler was a real commie...
(Kudos, I suppose, for actually knowing the full "National Socialist Workers Party" title. For your next trick, maybe you should Google it, dumbass, and find out what the hell you're talking about. Try adding "Night", "Long", and "Knives" while you're at it.)
See, this is why 'libruls' dominate college campuses. Apparently knowin' actual stuff is just too damn _elite_ for a good, God-fearin' patriot.
(Or maybe it's just an example of what happens when your mom packs you peanut butter and lead paint sandwiches every day during your first fifteen years of elementary school.)
Dumbass.
Posted by Hunter @ 12/05/2003 01:50 AM EST
I love a thread where one freeper says that the communists are worse than fascists and another says that facists were "leftists"
And I also love how freepers conflate the words liberal and conservative with Democratic and Republican so they can pull someone like Woodrow Wilson (the unreconstructed racist) out of the Democratic party's history and point to what "liberals" are all about. All without any understanding that from after the Civil War until the civil rights era, the parties were basically geographical interests with liberals and conservatives found in each. Further, w/out any understanding of the fact that both parties are now ideological coalitions, where the Democrats can hardly be considered liberals as a group (much less 'leftists') more like "left leaning centrists." The Republicans as a group pretty much conservative with smatterings (sometimes not so small) of hard-right authoritarinism and anti-tax wignuttery(hi freepers)all along with corporate interests, with the slightest whiff of outright corporatism on the edges.
Posted by Carpbasman @ 12/05/2003 01:51 AM EST
(Kudos, I suppose, for actually knowing the full "National Socialist Workers Party" title.
Except, of course, that the full title is the NSDAP -- National Sozialistische Deutsche Arbeiter Partei, or National Socialist *German* Worker's Party in English.
And Jesse: You truly are a deity of liberalicious snark. Sufficient congratulations cannot be given.
Posted by Anarch @ 12/05/2003 02:00 AM EST
Holy crap, the freepers came in here and shat all over the place. I'm assuming the comments don't normally look like a usenet board from 1997, right?
*shudder* the scary thing is, these people are still offering the same retarded arguments I left them thinking about 10 years ago. Perhaps there is a book, or maybe a set of tapes. . .
BTW, funny as hell-love the ATHF refs. Rock on.
Posted by epist @ 12/05/2003 02:22 AM EST
Except, of course, that the full title is the NSDAP -- National Sozialistische Deutsche Arbeiter Partei
OK, now you're just trying to confuse him.
Sigh. I suppose we should stop, or we'll have to explain that Rike-stag thingy. That was when, um, Hitler set fire to, um, some kind of giant deer, which was probably because he was a communist (Hitler, not the deer). Then the deer kicked Hitler square in the nuts, causing the invasion of Poland, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Posted by Hunter @ 12/05/2003 02:23 AM EST
Bashing the Freepers is a fish-in-a barrel party (surely there must be some better people even over there?), so I'll go back to an earlier point. The font comes from the excellent comic book font site Blambot.com. Check it out.
Posted by Teaflax @ 12/05/2003 02:27 AM EST
Just wanted to say, O'Reilly does not have half the class of the Coyote.
If anything, he's Yosemite Sam, except Yosemite Sam at least occasionally showed backbone.
Posted by agrajag @ 12/05/2003 02:34 AM EST
Just the other day, it suddenly occurred to me with a rude shock that I had never actually heard Bill Bennett fulminate against necrophilia, either. Damn! Great minds really do run in the same gutter.
Posted by Ray Radlein @ 12/05/2003 02:56 AM EST
"And Jesse: You truly are a deity of liberalicious snark. Sufficient congratulations cannot be given." Anarch
Why didn't you guys vote for him then! Most Annoying Left-Of-Center Blogger award. Pathetic. Can't a Pandagon get a little love.
Posted by Vigilante @ 12/05/2003 03:20 AM EST
Anti-Yosemite Sam ?
Posted by Mooser @ 12/05/2003 03:35 AM EST
I am at least half certain that Johny The Conservative Testicle above is being sarcasitc. He fucking has to be. Or maybe 15. Either is possible.
Posted by WKD @ 12/05/2003 03:35 AM EST
Actually, Testicle-Man is a time traveler from the year 2036 who has been sent back as a warning to us all about the slow degeneration of our educational system caused by the future implementation of school vouchers. Starved of educational opportunity, our feral children's entire social repertoire will be reduced to making random grunts, sexual innuendo, and reciting talking points from AM radio and the FOX News channel.
This is why Johnny can't think.
I'd also note that there are some smart people on freerepublic.com, and I wouldn't cast aspersions on all of them.
Posted by Jim D @ 12/05/2003 04:01 AM EST
Goddamn, that's funny. Well done, Jesse. And your smackdowns of the trolls are truly impressive. Kinda reminds me of when I squished roaches in my apartment...
I love how if you go to the NRA's 19-page blacklist, 8 out of the first 11 organizations are made up of DOCTORS. Hasn't anyone there realized this? ("Uh, guys, do we really want to blacklist *doctors*?"
I guess not.
Posted by Jackson @ 12/05/2003 05:02 AM EST
I just have to say that jesse and Old Bill made my weak. The list was one of the best things I have read in a while.
Kos put up the link and talked about the show in the comments and that was the real treat.
All us commie elitist leftest American hating people should be very scared of the intellectual power on the right.
If this thread is an example of the need for education spending in conservative areas of the country and I beleive we might have to raise taxes for this one. It seems down right unamerican to let Frepers remain in this state.
Posted by Davinci @ 12/05/2003 05:06 AM EST
Jesse,
This is classic. You really ought to design some sort of certificate and mail it out to the winners ;).
Posted by Lavoisier1794 @ 12/05/2003 05:23 AM EST
Why does Yosemite Sam hate America?
Posted by filkertom @ 12/05/2003 05:26 AM EST
I know why the repuglicans are so angry and buzzing about this site:
I guess the thought of their spokesperson-the racist bloviating junkie Rush wearing an Orange jumpsiut and watching a great African American quarterback win the Superbowl from a recreation room at Marion is really upsetting them.
What's worse, he might one day be on his hands and knees blowing a gelon Democrat who is big enough to protect him.
I think you missed a few people- one is Cruella DeVille(Katherine Harris) who puts make-up on with a trowel and is so annoying the rightwingtards had to beg her to not run for Senate.
I wouldn't even include Micheal Savage because basically he just got fired and really never convinced anyone with a 3 digit IQ that anything he said was right.
I love it that you got Reagan who was as dumb as a rock and like Bush, had a cut and run strategy when the Marines in Lebanon were killed en masse by a suicide bomber- Hell Reagan pulled out of Lebanon faster than he pulled out of Nancy.
Reagan also caused one of the biggest financial crises when he deregulated the savings and loans and you and I had to bail these rightwing blowhards to the tune of billions.
Great job.
And Fuck Bush by the way.
Posted by Nelson's Gay Lover @ 12/05/2003 06:13 AM EST
Why do Republicans hate America? It seems obvious to me that none of them have nay idea what America stands for.
Posted by Maccabee @ 12/05/2003 06:14 AM EST
thank you jesse for making me laugh out loud multiple times with this post. i think the 'dry-humping a corpse' line got me most.
as far as this thread goes... is this for real? it seems to me that lots of these people posting- from both sides of the political spectrum- must be very young and immature. am i way off base on that assumption? it's funny... at first i assumed that a few of the freepers (e.g. 'anti-commie') were actually writing satire from the other side... but then i realized that they are for real, and it makes me sad.
Posted by jordan @ 12/05/2003 06:56 AM EST
... watching a great African American quarterback win the Superbowl ...
You are, of course, referring to Steve McNair.
Posted by Thlayli @ 12/05/2003 07:34 AM EST
Has anyone noticed there are no arguments against what's being said in the list itself? They must all agree then...
Posted by Harald @ 12/05/2003 07:42 AM EST
Delightful article. And obviously spot-on, judging by the outrage from the right wing dingleberries.
They're acting like you planted a kick right in their 'manly' testicles.
Posted by PZ Myers @ 12/05/2003 08:50 AM EST
Oh my God, what happened here last night! The carnage! Oh, the humanity!
And...and...the conservative testicles! They're...GONE!
Posted by J @ 12/05/2003 08:57 AM EST
eddie izzard reference. i'm in love.
Posted by kim @ 12/05/2003 09:08 AM EST
It's both sad and frightening to read the posts by the Freepers.
It's sad, because these people have no sense of wit, irony, or . . . . . just plain intellect. They don't even respond to any of the substance of the specific points made in the list.
Rather, it seems that they just can't stand being made fun of. They take themselves SOOOOO seriously. And here is the frightening part. If people like this ever got into power, they would be the ones calling for cultural pogroms and setting up concentration camps for the people who dared to show the "seditionary and traitorious" chutzpa to make fun of them.
The Nazis and fascists are still alive folks. They don't call themselves these things. But they are out in force. In fact, I suspect that every generation has them.
Gotta love the human condition.
Posted by Phillip G. @ 12/05/2003 09:26 AM EST
Once again, I am shunned for another year. Why is the Academy against me?
Posted by Tacitus @ 12/05/2003 09:46 AM EST
Jesse, I am so jealous that you got Freeped!
Damnit!
(Fantastic entry, by the way.)
Posted by Kenneth G. Cavness @ 12/05/2003 09:46 AM EST
Once again, I am shunned for another year. Why is the Academy against me?
You can be annoying, but you have to go pretty far until you're at least at the Goldbergian level of claiming that quoting the Simpsons is a great and original contribution to the national discourse.
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 09:48 AM EST
Well, done. I thought the inclusion of Campus Conservatives was particularly astute. I give my Hon. Mention to Donald "Stalkin'" Luskin this year.
Posted by Dissento @ 12/05/2003 09:48 AM EST
Great work, Jesse.
As for the Creepers, just remember that it's the hit dog that hollers!
Posted by FlamingModerate @ 12/05/2003 09:49 AM EST
Shorter Johnny Nelson re. Starpass: I found an idiot on the internet.
Shorter respondents to Johnny Nelson: So did we.
Posted by wired mennonite @ 12/05/2003 09:54 AM EST
Jesus, my daddy said thorazine was strong, but man, I never knew people would flip out so hard when they didn't take it.
It's like they let all the freeper crazies out of the locked ward with this thread. Traitors? Please. The real traitors are the ones who sell secrets to Russia while going to church every Sunday like Robert Hanssen.
Posted by steve_gilliard @ 12/05/2003 10:04 AM EST
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Thanks for lifting my morning mood. Now what have you got for a hangover?
Posted by roy edroso @ 12/05/2003 10:11 AM EST
Once again, I am shunned for another year. Why is the Academy against me?
Buck up, Tacitus. You can claim your spot as the Susan Lucci of annoying conservatives.
Posted by apostropher @ 12/05/2003 10:26 AM EST
Wow! Instant internet gold. A most awesomely excellent job, Jesse!
Just one thing: the FReepertrash have actually made one correct statement in the midst of all the feces they're flinging. Ronnie Ray Gun will be remembered a thousand years from now.
When they talk in the history books about the downfall of democracy in the United States, the textbooks will point to the Ray Gun presidency as the point where it all went wrong!
Posted by (: Tom :) @ 12/05/2003 10:31 AM EST
Oh, wow...I can't believe I did this.
I forgot the Lifetime Acheivement Award!
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 10:32 AM EST
Tac,
No one said you weren't annoying.
You're just not AS annoying as these people.
I hope that helps.
Posted by Maccabee @ 12/05/2003 10:38 AM EST
Tom,
The rightwingnuts have to keep in mind: History also remembers Gengis Khan, and Vlad Tepes. Remembrance is over-rated, and not a replacement for LOVED.
Posted by Maccabee @ 12/05/2003 10:40 AM EST
One thing that gets lost in all this is the simple fact that republicans are anti-minimum wage, anti-union, pro-business, pro-religion,etc. If they had things all the way they wanted them America would be like Saudi-Arabia or Afganistan-just christian. Most of the differences between Western nations and the middle east(womens rights, minority rights, workers rights, environmental concerns, etc) have come about because of "evil lefties". If republicans ever get their way most republicans will reget it (except the richest 1 percent).
Posted by Noal @ 12/05/2003 10:46 AM EST
One thing that gets lost in all this is the simple fact that republicans are anti-minimum wage, anti-union, pro-business, pro-religion,etc. If they had things all the way they wanted them America would be like Saudi-Arabia or Afganistan-just christian. Most of the differences between Western nations and the middle east(womens rights, minority rights, workers rights, environmental concerns, etc) have come about because of "evil lefties". If republicans ever get their way most republicans will reget it (except the richest 1 percent).
Posted by Noal @ 12/05/2003 10:46 AM EST
One thing that gets lost in all this is the simple fact that republicans are anti-minimum wage, anti-union, pro-business, pro-religion,etc. If they had things all the way they wanted them America would be like Saudi-Arabia or Afganistan-just christian. Most of the differences between Western nations and the middle east(womens rights, minority rights, workers rights, environmental concerns, etc) have come about because of "evil lefties". If republicans ever get their way most republicans will reget it (except the richest 1 percent).
Posted by Noal @ 12/05/2003 10:46 AM EST
This list (and especially the follow up commentary) was pretty entertaining. I have read books by O’Reily, Coulter, and Limbaugh and I agree that they are blowhards. Coulter always seems angry, O’Reily is quite full of himself, and I think Rush is just too used to being out on his own defending himself on the far right.
Their problem, and others’ on this list, is they discredit their point by sending alienating messages. Ann Coulter’s Treason made me think I was a bleeding-heart-liberal, which I am not. Bill O’Reily makes me feel that how I might disagree with him is either unimportant or wrong.
However both ends of the political spectrum do this. If Gore was president and the situation in Congress was reversed, you’d have some conservative web sites running a list just like this with similarly lauding responses from the site-patronizing majority.
The reason why people (liberals) hate Rush and Bill and Ann is the same reason people (conservatives) hate Al Franken, James Carville, and Michael Moore. Anyone that is too rabid either way makes those in the middle assume bias. Do the extremists really convince anyone worth fighting over? Hardly. People generally read and subscribe to things because it reaffirms what they already believe. Conservatives won’t pick up Lying Liars and think “Oh okay, I get it. I was wrong about everything” just like liberals won’t do the same with Who’s Looking Out for You.
The only way to convince people is to prove that you are unbiased and that you are making a rational decision. I used to think O’Reily was actually “fair and balanced” but after watching his show for a while I came to realize he’s covering up the fact that he’s a rightie. I don’t really care which side he would be, just don’t try to pass it off.
Forums/sites like pandagon or rightwingnews simply cater to the same people over and over, and unfortunately nothing really gets accomplished other that the respective patron’s confirmation of hatred (read misunderstanding) of the other side and a lot of “fuck you’s.” Sadly, the only real ideology ever discussed at the national level is done by partisan politicians who generally stick to one side in spite of the other – even in light of obvious truth. Even talk show hosts have agendas, nobody ever seems to stay right in the middle.
I consider myself a socially lenient conservative. I am pro-life, pro-civil union for gays, pro-gun control (assault rifles or weapons civilians obviously don’t need, rifles/basic handguns are fine), pro-war, and pro-national interest in general. I could go into why I think this-or-that, but that would be pointless. All I do is urge people on both sides to simply be open to the other and make a rational, logical decision between the too. The more people become vehement and “oh my god you’re conservative go pump oil for bu$sh die fucker u r not cool” the much less educated they appear, and the more they are dismissed as pre-teens who watch too much Carson Daly on TRL.
Posted by adam u. @ 12/05/2003 10:48 AM EST
Just some highlights from Ghost of Bill Hicks’ rantings. Migod, his comments were almost as funny as the list. And a special mention to Thomas Paine for using bbataglia’s email address in his attempt to incite the savages. That’ll confuse ‘em good. Enjoy!
--
Christ, what a bunch of mental defectives. This is the best offense you can muster? Nonsensical ramblings about your diseased testicles?
--
There are middle schoolers out there who'd make you pussies cry if you got into a name calling match with them. And I'd wager they get laid more too.
--
…blind worship of Ronald Reagan. A fucking b-movie acting hack who sold guns to terrorists for hostages and armed Saddam is their hero. And we're the Saddam lovers?
--
OMG! Hi I'm luvbach and I don't believe in any other punctuation but exclamation points! Do you idiots all live under power lines! Once again please kill yourself and any melon-headed offspring you may have sired in your no doubt too long existence on this planet!
P.S. Jesus still hates you!
--
e.) Go suck on Barbara Bush's diseased drooping labia, you half-wit
--
How long before you devolve to the point where your opposable thumbs fall off? Oh that's right, YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION! HAH!
Have fun becoming extinct, Johnny Cro-Mag. You and your entire way of life are becoming more and more irrelevant with each increasing day. You're the human version of the Betamax.
--
Christ, do you go to the Post Office and complain about them not putting secret sauce on your Big Mac?
--
Holy shit. That was either the greatest piece of satire ever, or the most batshit insane thing ever written. And that includes "A Charge To Keep". Bravo, you magnificent bastard, whoever you are.
--
…Hannitites…
--
Sometimes I love you idiots in spite of yourselves. I'm still gonna piss on your heads when you sleep though. And Kinison's gonna take a shit in your sinks.
--
Friggin? Did Mommy turn NetNanny on Johnny? Won't she let you curse like the big boys?
--
I would have just got a rhino to escape from the zoo and rape him.
Posted by opus @ 12/05/2003 10:52 AM EST
Jesse u da man! Novak deserves a promotion,though, since he has now brought us the SMITH RETRACTION!! Yay!!!
Posted by 2fair @ 12/05/2003 10:53 AM EST
Tacitus, something tells me that your list would have considerable overlap with Jesse's.
Posted by ryan b @ 12/05/2003 11:00 AM EST
Outstanding. My only quibble would be the omission of Dennis Miller. At least he's mentioned several times. As another commentor said, I would expect to see him on next year's list, unless, like, his 15 minutes are finally over and he retires to a life of quiet seclusion in Flagstaff with a golf discount coupon book, five hundred cases of Old Milwaukee, his Grecian Formula for Men, his autographed copy of Treason, his Bill Maher dartboard, and his thesaurus, as he contemplates the philosophy of nihilism and grows a liver the size of a watermelon, because it's like, the hip thing to do.
Posted by skb @ 12/05/2003 11:00 AM EST
Petition: TELL CONGRESS WE WANT A PRESCRIPTION DRUG BENEFIT UNDER MEDICARE
PART B
[put this link in a browser at work and at a public library and leave the page showing. Make it a browser favorite too]
Location:http://www.thepetionsite.com/takeaction/383366962
The George W Bush 2000 Stolen Election Commemorative Gold Coin
http://www.stolenelectioncoin.com]
You can vote against George W Bush and his compassioNOT Reprivatizers every day.
I created the George W Bush 2000 Stolen Election Commemorative Coin in 2001. I wanted people to show this coin to their friends and their opponents in the Reprivatizer Party. Now you can print out this coin image for free and and vote against George W Bush by sending one to the White House and any of the Republican supporters by fax email and US Mail as often as you wish and show it to whom you want every day until the 2004 election to show that you do not support George W Bush.
BUSH THE ILLEGITIMATE.
Now you can take the following actions to vote against George W Bush each day.
PEACEFUL REVOLT AGAINST THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
I have started the Buy nothing on Thursday and Fridays movement.
The Buy nothing on Thursday and Friday movement will work this way.
You will tell your friends and family and colleagues who do not use the net, to avoid buying anything on Thursdays and Fridays. You and everyone you speak to will tell their merchants that we do not support the chimp and we're going on a purchasing strike on every Thursday and Friday until the Nov 2004 election. You also tell them that you hope they will do everything they can to help vote the chimp out and their republican congresspeople out in 2004.
America will see a big vote of no confidence in the chimp evidenced by empty stores on Thusday and Friday.
Petition: TELL CONGRESS WE WANT A PRESCRIPTION DRUG BENEFIT UNDER MEDICARE
PART B
(put this link in a browser at work and at a public library and leave the page showing. Make it a browser favorite too)
Location: http://www.thePetitionSite.com/takeaction/383366962
Boycott the LA Dodgers, Arnold's movies, the Viper Car Alarm, Disneyland until Arnold resigns leaving Cruz Bustamante to serve as Governor.
Spread the word.
Do not go to any games where the LA Dodgers appear as visitors or at home and tell the Dodgers you will see their games after they get Arnold to resign.
Browse http://www.dodgers.com and send them email from their website telling them to get Arnold to resign or you will not see their games.
Browse these websites
http://www.schwarzenegger.com and email them from their site that you will not buy nor rent Arnold's movies from the video store.
http://www.directed.com makers of the Viper Car Alarm once owned by Darrell Issa and email them from their website that you will not buy the Viper Car alarm.
http://www.disneyland.com and email from their website that you will not go to Disney Land.
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Call JC Penney Corporate Headquarters in Plano, Texas and tell them unless they get Governor Goodhair Perry to stop redistricting until 2010 when it should happen again, you will not set foot in another JC Penney Store again.
Call them at 1-800-322-1189
Petition: TELL CONGRESS YOU DON'T SUPPORT THE REPUBLICAN AGENDA
Location: http://www.thePetitionSite.com/takeaction/630654745
"The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness."
- John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - )
The George W Bush 2000 Stolen Election Commemorative Gold Coin
http://www.stolenelectioncoin.com
Save each of these posters and send it to the White House by email, fax and US Mail to show you to speak out and vote against George W Bush.
Send this Christmas card to your unchristian conservative friends this coming Christmas.
You can get a copy of the elegant Christmas Card
save it and print it and send one to the chimp in the white house.
Get your RAW DEAL poster
Get your vote Republican poster
Tell the world your opinion of George W Bush and the 9-11 attacks.
The George W Bush 2000 Stolen Election Commemorative Gold Coin
http://www.stolenelectioncoin.com
Posted by paul revere @ 12/05/2003 11:04 AM EST
I wish I could just take a screenshot of this forum and write "owned" all over it. Freepers are funny.
Posted by Tabris @ 12/05/2003 11:12 AM EST
People I think should or could have made the list: William Safire - I believe other than Chalres Krauthammer, no other "respected" columnist got more wrong and in more blatant fashion this year than Safire, Dennis Miller (agree with poster re: this matter), and Henry Kissenger, for even pretending for 12 seconds that there was some validity to his overseeing the 9/11 commission...I mean, what questions about Bush's loyalty does anyone have left after he suggested Kissenger for this role?
It really may be best to just keep track of all conservative columnists, however many there may be, and keep updated to-the-day rankings of how far off the mark they all are...it could really provide a whole office of people with valuable work.
Posted by Flavio @ 12/05/2003 11:19 AM EST
But really, Dick Cheney should be 2nd after O'Reilly, all of this shit was his idea, he is the ultimate never-been-to-war sending people off to war for his own profit conservative scumbag
Posted by flavio @ 12/05/2003 11:24 AM EST
Ah, HAH, HAH, HAH....*wipes tears from eyes, and snot from nose*
Oh, that made my week. Bravo, Jesse. I have circulated this far and wide.
Posted by Tripleg @ 12/05/2003 11:26 AM EST
This stuff is frightening. I don't want to become like these folks and return their vitriole with madness of my own. Yet, I would love to get even.
How to remain reasonable and yet very clever -- that is the Question.
Posted by M.J. Chapp @ 12/05/2003 11:31 AM EST
Why do freepers think they are Triumph the Comic Insult Dog?
Posted by Spartakus @ 12/05/2003 11:37 AM EST
I will be posting the ten rules of being a campus conservative arround my own cmapus. Perhaps these neo-con dunderheads will take note. Or at least get pissed. Best you can hope these days, I suppose. Thanks Ol' Boy.
Posted by Jimmy Bweneum @ 12/05/2003 11:44 AM EST
Heh, I'm SO used to FRetards, but this pack is even dumber than yer garden-variety RimJobber.
Still trying to understand how Bunnypants and the Heart Attack Kid didn't make the list, but the Colmes letter was a masterpiece. I wonder if the totally uneducated Catholic rapes Mrs. Colmes right in front of Alan, and then lets the braying jackals that hang around Fux HQ sloppy seconds.
Great job. Thane approves.
Posted by Thane of Fascistan @ 12/05/2003 11:45 AM EST
Jesse, this was just wonderful!
Have you considered creating a nice certificate or getting something from an awards store & sending it out to the folks on the list?
Posted by The Babysitter @ 12/05/2003 11:51 AM EST
"Osamas (SIC) waiting"? Where's he waiting? I thought you guys lost him, just like you lost Sadam. (Not to mention the election.)
Posted by Furhouse @ 12/05/2003 11:52 AM EST
... Al Franken, James Carville ...
Rabid? Please give an example of either of these being rabid or intolerant? Are you sure you're not confusing being passionate with being rabid?
Posted by Streaker @ 12/05/2003 12:06 PM EST
You're messed! Get a life!
Posted by jill @ 12/05/2003 12:11 PM EST
Maybe there are no good conservative comments because they're all too busy to waste their time here.
Posted by Rachel @ 12/05/2003 12:20 PM EST
You're messed! Get a life!
Shouldn't there be more words in that statement? Particularly ones that make sense?
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 12:20 PM EST
Although I have to admit the list was pretty funny. Particularly the part about Roy Moore. I can appreciate a joke even if I don't agree with the views.
Posted by Rachel @ 12/05/2003 12:21 PM EST
Great dig on Colmes. I saw him on the Daily Show the other night, and he had Hannity with him. What's the matter with that guy? Is it in his contract that he can't go to the bathroom without Hannity there to hold his leash?
Posted by PZ Myers @ 12/05/2003 12:24 PM EST
And here comes the corner!
"MORE WORMWOOD AND GALL [John Derbyshire]
I was somewhat mollified, though, Kathryn, to see that Scrooge McDuck got a passing mention in that "Twenty Most Annoying Conservatives" list You may recall that we had some exchanges about S. McD. on The Corner back in the summer, coming to the conclusion that he is one of the great unsung heroes of popular conservatism, especially fiscal conservatism. Perhaps those elves you've got making up mugs and T-shirts with quotes from NRO-niks such as, ahem, myself, could find an apt Scrooge McDuck quote to further the cause?"
Posted by Sadly, No! @ 12/05/2003 12:27 PM EST
A very funny list, although as a conservative I needless to say disagree with 100% of what you say. Still, it is amusing to see how the other side thinks.
Keep up the good work.
CTR
Posted by Christopher @ 12/05/2003 12:31 PM EST
Oh please! I am fifty times more annoying than Andrew Sullivan. Just ask my co-workers.
And about at least 12 times more conservative than Bill O'Reilly.
I guess you have to be famous to make the list. I'll have to start promoting my blog more.
Posted by Greg @ 12/05/2003 12:31 PM EST
why does santorum's dog hate america?
Posted by just curious @ 12/05/2003 12:36 PM EST
...popped a rib muscle the other day in a bronchitus coughing spasm; it hurts like hell. When I laugh I cough and when I laugh a lot I cough harder...
...I think you killed me, Jesse. But it was worth it, even without the Lifetime Achievement Award...
...and a special tip o'the hat to the Ghost of Bill Hicks; I'll have what he's havin'...
Posted by Jack K. @ 12/05/2003 12:37 PM EST
"The future of America is in the conservative man's testicles."
That is my nomination for conservative quote of the year. Maybe Bush can use it in a campaign ad!
Posted by Jgil @ 12/05/2003 12:50 PM EST
Just some highlights from Ghost of Bill Hicks’ rantings. Migod, his comments were almost as funny as the list. And a special mention to Thomas Paine for using bbataglia’s email address in his attempt to incite the savages. That’ll confuse ‘em good. Enjoy!
--
Christ, what a bunch of mental defectives. This is the best offense you can muster? Nonsensical ramblings about your diseased testicles?
--
There are middle schoolers out there who'd make you pussies cry if you got into a name calling match with them. And I'd wager they get laid more too.
--
…blind worship of Ronald Reagan. A fucking b-movie acting hack who sold guns to terrorists for hostages and armed Saddam is their hero. And we're the Saddam lovers?
--
OMG! Hi I'm luvbach and I don't believe in any other punctuation but exclamation points! Do you idiots all live under power lines! Once again please kill yourself and any melon-headed offspring you may have sired in your no doubt too long existence on this planet!
P.S. Jesus still hates you!
--
e.) Go suck on Barbara Bush's diseased drooping labia, you half-wit
--
How long before you devolve to the point where your opposable thumbs fall off? Oh that's right, YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION! HAH!
Have fun becoming extinct, Johnny Cro-Mag. You and your entire way of life are becoming more and more irrelevant with each increasing day. You're the human version of the Betamax.
--
Christ, do you go to the Post Office and complain about them not putting secret sauce on your Big Mac?
--
Holy shit. That was either the greatest piece of satire ever, or the most batshit insane thing ever written. And that includes "A Charge To Keep". Bravo, you magnificent bastard, whoever you are.
--
…Hannitites…
--
Sometimes I love you idiots in spite of yourselves. I'm still gonna piss on your heads when you sleep though. And Kinison's gonna take a shit in your sinks.
--
Friggin? Did Mommy turn NetNanny on Johnny? Won't she let you curse like the big boys?
--
I would have just got a rhino to escape from the zoo and rape him.
Posted by opus @ 12/05/2003 12:51 PM EST
Hey guys...first time I've visited this site since I'm a little right of center on the political spectrum. Guess that makes me one of the "neanderthals" you simply cannot stand.
Just a couple points: If you folks are suppose to be sensitive, caring, and such strict adherents to political correctness, how can you attack people for their appearance (i.e. Limbaugh)? Is civility and the thought that one's appearance doesn't impact their worth only reserved for those with whom you agree?
As for Franken, wouldn't you consider calling someone a "big, fat, idiot" on a book cover "rabid"? I mean, attack his ideas if you disagree but how about some civility? Do you refer to Micheal Moore as "fat" when describing his writing? I know a lot of right-wingers do and it certainly makes them sound like idiots. I just think a little civility would add rather than detract from your arguments.
I guess it's kind of like how you can spew racial stereotypes at Clarence Thomas simply because you disagree with him but would condemn a similar attack on Jesse Jackson.
Okay, now let's open the floor to those who wish to call me a big, fat idiot, queston my I.Q., or perhaps simply ponder how difficult it must be for me to type with all that drool dripping from my chin and the huge lobotomy scar that seems to always need scratching.
Cheers!
Posted by Pax @ 12/05/2003 12:58 PM EST
Your talk inclusion of Campus Conservatives was blatantly stupid. The reason campus conservatism works and campus Democratic groups are dying out is because people dont want to listen to whining.
The Democratic party is forcing youth out by whining about everything in America and not offering any viable solutions.
If the party wants to win next November they need to remember that the Jimmy Carter approach of whining about everything doesn't work and the Bill Clinton one offering solutions does.
Posted by Q @ 12/05/2003 01:10 PM EST
Dan, you're a complete t001.
"Yes, I really wish the government would stop doing things like funding DARPA and just leave us alone. Moron."
You wouldn't be typing on the Internet right now if it wasn't for DARPA.
Really, Leftists should go out a read history or economics or just got and learn things. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.
Stop thinking the Bill O'Reilly is a conservative. It just shows how out of touch you are.
Bob Novak? Are you for real?
HTH
Posted by Atticus Falcon @ 12/05/2003 01:15 PM EST
jesse -- excellent satire! Too bad many didn't figure that part out.
Posted by Chari @ 12/05/2003 01:24 PM EST
Well it's nice to see some people still appreciate my ranting, even if Jesse and Ezra won't acknowledge me.
Daddies, why won't you love me?
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/05/2003 01:25 PM EST
Ann Coulter should move up two or three spots just for having great breasticles.
Posted by Bill @ 12/05/2003 01:25 PM EST
"Stop thinking the Bill O'Reilly is a conservative. It just shows how out of touch you are." - some funny shit there, dude.
"Really, Leftists should go out a read history or economics or just got and learn things." - wow, there's more! I guess I really should "go out a read...", I must confess I don't even know what that's supposed to mean so I must be pretty stupid, I really should "just got and learn things". Well spoken!!
Posted by Flavio @ 12/05/2003 01:31 PM EST
Wow...this is a bigger waste of bandwidth than gay porn!
Posted by MMW @ 12/05/2003 01:33 PM EST
ya poor liberal bastard
George W will still protect you dumB asses
Posted by pat @ 12/05/2003 01:35 PM EST
Hey liberals-
Were taking over the joint and we're gonna take away your right to kill babies. So move to France ... now!
Posted by coloradoconservative @ 12/05/2003 01:38 PM EST
ya poor liberal bastard
George W will still protect you dumB asses
Posted by pat @ 12/05/2003 01:35 PM EST
Jesus Christ, these people make 12 year old trolls on AOL look like the Algonquin Round Table.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/05/2003 01:39 PM EST
Loved the Coulter post. I had to clean the coke off my monitor.
Posted by Hubbard @ 12/05/2003 01:41 PM EST
Pax,
The entire attack dog smear media was stared by the rightwing- by Clear Channel and Roger Ailes. The vast majority of the rest of the media, including NPR is in fact very civil. I mean, take a look at Limbaugh's website- or listen to him- He has been a disparajing, vituperous insult king for YEARS. Finally you see people with a three digit IQ fight back a little in a comment box and you go bananas. Christ the right wing can sure dish it out but you guys sure cannot take it.
I mean my father was a Democrat who put on a uniform and went to war and so are my brothers and so did they. Then I hear someone on Fox News call Democrats cowards,I hear Rush Limbaugh making fun of John Kerry who served two tours of Vietnam and is a decorated soldier. And I ask what did O Reilly do when it came time to serve? He was in England wearing a skirt. What has Limbaugh ever done to serve? He sought a deferment because of a boil on his ass. Right now, there are no bigger cowards than the rightwing attack media stars.
Hey Atticus,
Even the most perfunctory examination of history would show you that this entire invasion is a failed policy, a repeat of Vietnam and one that completely ignores the fact that we crearted the monster we supposedly deposed. Hussein threw chemical weapons on the Kurds while we knew about it and turned a blind eye- and he used weapons paid for in the billion by American tax payers. No Atticus, YOU pick up a book and read. maybe even turn the channel from Faux News and the Internet away from Drudge and you might find out that there are dozens and dozens of horrible torturing dictators in the world and oppressed people all over who need to be liberated. Except for one thing- they are not sitting on oil.
Atticus, something else, go pick up a copy of the Bill of Rights and then read the "Patriot Act" and you will see that Bushco only wants to stick a dick in the very things that make America great. God you are an ignoramous.
Why don't you study law and government and see how the VP's possession of 433,00 outstanding shares of the only company that recieved a no bid billion dollar contract in Iraw happens to be a vioolation of the Federal laws that exclude conflict of interest.
Finally, Novack outted a US agent in the field. And you are DEFENDING THIS SCUMBAG?
Atticus, why do you hate America?
Bill O Reilly is an extreme right wing nutcase who also hate America. I mean, who is out of touch here?
I think....uh...you.
By the way, you wouldn;t have a weekend or paid vacation if it wasn't for us lefties.
Posted by Maccabee @ 12/05/2003 01:41 PM EST
Carville NOT rabid? I think rabid is almsot an understatement - he has to be one of the most outspoken republican bashers there are. He's not called the "rajun cajun" because he looks at things from both sides. look here for some quotes:http://www.angelfire.com/ok5/pearly/htmls/carville-quotes.html
And franken? Did you read Lying Liars? i wouldnt call that passionate at all. he's just crying. maybe not RABID-rabid, but i'd give him a shot of HRV-Globulin just in case
Posted by adam @ 12/05/2003 01:41 PM EST
Thanks for the laugh, Jesse. Reading these comments is eye-opening, depressing. World events talked about in the tone of a college football message board with less-coherent anger, and less hope.
Posted by smoot @ 12/05/2003 01:44 PM EST
OMG, Jessie, best blog post of the year, thanx. And what the hell is wrong with freepers? If they really hate this stuff so much, why come here?
I've never really seen trolling like this, they don't come around Atrios and Kos all that much. I think I've given conservatives too much credit, I thought insane assholes like these were just stereotypes, crazy parodies of psycho survivalists who thought Red Dawn was a documentery, and spent the last twenty years hold up in a bunker with all the bible and guns they could find. But I guess they're real. Scarry.
Posted by Lord Kanti @ 12/05/2003 01:44 PM EST
God these right wingers are really frothing at the mouth.
I have never seen so many idiots as these so called patriots telling everyone to move to France.
Posted by Powell @ 12/05/2003 01:44 PM EST
Gosh, I am so heartened to have such inane people driving the Democrat's next choice for President. It is akin to watching a stagecoach being driven over a cliff whilst I sit back and happily munch my popcorn. Comfortable knowing that my income won't be redistributed and that the adults will stay in charge.
God Bless George Bush!
Posted by Righton @ 12/05/2003 01:46 PM EST
I'll bet you not one of these rightwingnuts has ever worn a uniform beyond cubscouts.
I have an idea Colorado conservative- why don't you go to Iraq?
Posted by Swinger @ 12/05/2003 01:46 PM EST
Normally, I'd remind everyone it's Ignore the Brownshirts Week, but Maccabee did such a good job of nailing it, I'll demur...
Posted by dave @ 12/05/2003 01:46 PM EST
Stop thinking the Bill O'Reilly is a conservative. It just shows how out of touch you are.
So now you're going to tell me what to think? Fascist!
Anyway, the guy's a conservative. He was a registered Republican, he writes for numerous conservative sources, and he's the main attraction on a conservative news station.
You don't get much more conservative without having an elephant hot glued to your ass.
As for Franken, wouldn't you consider calling someone a "big, fat, idiot" on a book cover "rabid"?
Since I'm sure you've never heard of satire or parody, let me introduce you. THAT WAS SATIRE.
I guess it's kind of like how you can spew racial stereotypes at Clarence Thomas simply because you disagree with him but would condemn a similar attack on Jesse Jackson.
Dude, the relevant part of the conversation is over in the hyah. You're over in the nyah. Join us at your convenience.
Still, this is funny.
Thanks to everyone, liberal, conservative and otherwise, and to the person who said that this is a bigger waste of bandwidth than gay porn - do you know just how POPULAR gay porn is?
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 01:47 PM EST
Swinger -
Bad back. You know like Dean.
Posted by coloradoconservative @ 12/05/2003 01:47 PM EST
God these right wingers are really frothing at the mouth.
I have never seen so many idiots as these so called patriots telling everyone to move to France.
Posted by Powell @ 12/05/2003 01:48 PM EST
Durr.
Durrr.
Communists. Move Francee.
You am dumb. Me no likey things make me think. Hurts head. O'Reilly am nice. He give hope.
You am jerks. Me take your women. Me am winner!
ME LOVE GORGE DUBEYA BOOSH! BESTEST PREZNET EVAR!!!
TRAITORS!
Posted by Random Freeper @ 12/05/2003 01:48 PM EST
Best Blog Post of YEAR.
I wonder why Bush, the worst President in history is not on the list.
It could be because he is just Cheney's finger puppet.
Great post Swinger.
Colorado conservative I'd love to see you in camouflage telling your recruiter "IRAQ?"
Posted by Patrick White @ 12/05/2003 01:54 PM EST
Hi, I'm a complete retard. I believe anything Rush Limbaugh tells me. If Rush told me that evil Democrat pixies had infected my penis, I'd lop it off without a thought. It's not like I use it much anyway.
Also, I believe that Democrats want to take my money and spend it on EVIL things like Social Security, instead of good things like stupid unwinnable wars, corruption, and Wear A Wacky Costume Days for our wonderful, God-fearing President. I also like the fact that they sent young kids to die to add to Halliburton's coffers. It warms my heart that the adults are in charge again, you know, the guys who outed a CIA agent because her husband had the audacity to point out one of my heroes' lies.
I can certainly sleep safer at night knowing that fine, moral people like Bush are raping my country, all while I sputter on the internet like a lobotomized orangutan about them dirty Commie Lefty Pinko Democrats.
Posted by Righton @ 12/05/2003 01:54 PM EST
From The Onion
Alan Colmes Loses Argument With Nephew
NEW YORK—Alan Colmes, the liberal co-host of the Fox News debate program Hannity & Colmes, lost an argument to his nephew Bryan while babysitting the 8-year-old Monday. "I wanted to stay up late to watch television, but Uncle Alan said, 'There's already too much self-parenting in America,'" Bryan said. "So I started screaming, 'Mom lets me, Mom lets me,' real loud. He gave in after, like, 20 seconds." In the past two years, Bryan has won arguments with Colmes on the subjects of Pokémon cards, Crunch Berries cereal, and steel tariffs.
hehe
Posted by the good reverend @ 12/05/2003 01:56 PM EST
Gosh, I am so heartened to have such inane people driving the Democrat's next choice for President. It is akin to watching a stagecoach being driven over a cliff whilst I sit back and happily munch my popcorn. Comfortable knowing that my income won't be redistributed and that the adults will stay in charge.
God Bless George Bush!
I was with you for the most part, up until that George Bush thing. What are you going to pay down deficits with - cool points?
Also, let me spice up the insult for you, since I get it so much and it still makes no sense.
"I love watching you Democrats (Dumbocrats, Demonkrats, DemoKKKrauts, etc.) in action. It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck, and I can watch it over and over and over again, like my tape of Balto."
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 01:57 PM EST
Hey, I'd gladly go to Iraq if I wasn't too busy hiding under my mommy's skirt, posting at Lucianne.com, and jerking off to pictures of Nancy Reagan.
Plus, it's kind of hard to go AWOL in the desert. Especially when you're daddy isn't the director of the CIA and you know you might not get away with it.
Also, I'm a fat, cowardly sack of shit who would piss himself if someone in my unit cut a loud fart on the way to basic.
Posted by coloradoconservative @ 12/05/2003 01:59 PM EST
I wonder why Bush, the worst President in history is not on the list.
Two reasons:
1.) He's not a conservative. He's a wholly owned subsidiary. He will do any stupid thing that someone can convince him to do, regardless of whether it makes any consistent sense. He will increase government spending more than any president in history, and then pass the biggest tax cuts in history, all the while blaming the resulting budget deficit on the Congress he controls. There's nothing conservative about it - it's just Bushian.
2.) The entry got too long and unwieldy.
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 02:00 PM EST
Loved it. Particularly the part about Ann, who makes me want to gouge out my eyes every time I see her.
One small correction though, the ten commandments "monument" was in the State judicial building, not the federal courthouse. No big deal, just thought you should know.
Posted by MEB @ 12/05/2003 02:00 PM EST
Jesse! Balto reference! Bonus!
Oh, and did I tell you how great the Jonah Goldberg entry was? Twinkie parody is always good, but this was fucking magnificent.
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/05/2003 02:02 PM EST
Great list. I just have minor quibbles: wouldn't Reagan be Great Leader (i.e., Kim Jong Il's daddy, whose name eludes me)? In my mind, if Ronnie is/was Great Leader, then Dubya keeps his title as Dear Leader, which gives him the freedom to kidnap movie starlets and stuff. Second, the most offensive talking heads on this list make more sense than the power brokers, who are certainly hella scary, but not blatantly annoying as most of the current TV pundits, IMHO.
The Freeper trolls are hysterical; you'd think that we actually live in a free country or something by the way they're going on. (Well, this page resembles representative democracy a fuckload more than Freerepublic.com, that's for sure.)
Posted by Bobo @ 12/05/2003 02:03 PM EST
Pandagon:
You will find herewith the bill for
repairing the hernia caused by
your gutbusting Top 20 List.
Posted by John Ferguson @ 12/05/2003 02:11 PM EST
mac,
The only “policy” that failed was the UN’s turned-back to the entire situation after the Gulf War that last 12 years. It is not Vietnam. 50,000 soldiers died in Vietnam, and including the soldier killed today we have about 400 (and let’s be stupid and say this will last 12 years like ‘Nam did, that still only works out to 5or 6 thousand, not even close). The only thing Iraq has in common with Vietnam is that the population here at home is divided.
We never “supposedly” deposed Hussein in the first gulf war. We merely drove him out of Kuwait.
We did create him, but only because we need him at the time. Then he turned on us. What would you have us do? Still be friends? Please.
And the fact that Cheney owns 400,000 shares in the big-bad oil contractor means nothing. The federal law the addresses conflict of interest:
"When the staff member consults for one or more government contractors, or prospective contractors, in the same technical field as the staff member's research project, care must be taken to avoid giving advice that may be of questionable objectivity because of its possible bearing on the individual's other interests."
Talks about research projects, not military conflicts. This is plain English. And anyway to say that this war is strictly for oil is just insane. To believe this (and this ties into the same idiotic argument that there are no WMD’s ANYWHERE in Iraq and there NEVER were) you would have to say that after Desert Storm, Hussein DID destroy his WMDs, but didn’t tell us about it because he didn’t want our billions upon billions of dollars. If we wanted Iraqi oil, all we would ever have to do would be to drop the sanctions. They would gladly sell us all the oil we would want, and probably lower the general price because they have so much of it. Then Saddam would have gotten even richer , and he would probably still be there right now funding terrorist camps and Al-abat organizations.
But we didn’t drop the sanctions because Saddam never complied. All he did was let incompetent inspectors into “authorized” areas for them to look around. What the hell is that? Of course they aren’t going to find anything!! LOL and people actually believe he destroyed his chem/bio weapons. What a joke.
But I do agree with you on one thing. You lefties did get us a weekend and paid vacation. Thank you very, very much.
Posted by adam @ 12/05/2003 02:11 PM EST
Gee, ColoradoConservative, you sure nailed US. Why, Dean got out of the draft with a bad back. SHOCKING. Um, mind telling us where Bush, Cheney, Wolfwowitz, Gingrich, Limbaugh, Delay, Hastert, Frist, and every other Republican politician of that era apart from the eminently sane John McCain were during Vietnam?
Here's a hint. Only ONE was in uniform. Sorta. He jumped over 500 people whose daddies weren't millionaires to get into the Air National Guard of Texas, got the lowest possible score on his qualification test to fly obsolete airplanes, then deserted during war time. Since you're a big brave conservative, don't you think that offender should be put up against a wall and shot? I mean, he DESERTED DURING WAR TIME.
And he was the BRAVEST of that bunch of cowards.
Then, of course, there's your musical idol, Ted Nugent. He didn't take a bath or wipe his ass for a month before he reported. And smeared peanut butter in his ass just to make it more disgusting. He seems to be pretty good, like his conservative brethren, at sending other people to fight the wars he loves, but he's too chickenshit to fight them himself.
The list of Republican chickenhawks is almost as remarkable as the list of Democratic war heros.
So, um, why don't you go perform a sexual act that requires a great degree of flexibility, and fuck yourself? And I mean that in only the nicest way.
Thane of Fascistan
Posted by Thane of Fascistan @ 12/05/2003 02:11 PM EST
The reason campus conservatism works and campus Democratic groups are dying out is because people dont want to listen to whining.
No, the reason Campus Conservatism works is because it is pathetically easy. Campus Conservative groups exist solely to bitch about how people don't pay enough attention to Campus Conservative groups. No actual knowledge or issues needed, just an indignant sense that people don't pay enough attention to you, or that you are being oppressed because professor so-and-so wouldn't let you do your term paper on how Andre the Giant was really cool.
So you go out and do something brilliant like go out and have a bake sale where you charge white guys more for cupcakes than black guys, which would make a really good point about something, except that there aren't very many black guys on your college campus, and the ones that are there don't want to get within 100 yards of you or buy your damn cupcakes, and all the bake sale really accomplishes is to make sure that you have a lot of leftover cupcakes to eat, and everyone you meet has the sneaking suspicion you might be a closet racist.
"Campus Conservativism" is just another example of how modern conservativism is expressed not by what it is for, but by who it is against. Campus Conservativism is basically a cross between Bill O'Reilly and a high school A/V club.
Posted by Hunter @ 12/05/2003 02:18 PM EST
Great job; but in 2004 can we all simply ignore the self-loathing sack of hot air that is Andy Sullivan?
If an asshole screeches and nobody responds has he made a sound?
Let the GOP babysit his tired crap; I mean he is already kneeling before them.
Posted by honmono @ 12/05/2003 02:18 PM EST
Today's Headline: Top 20 List Excites Online Liberals, "Hey, We Can be Funny Too". Too bad the content is shite. You've got to have some fresh insights into reality to score hits. Can't just play shoot 'em up in the altered reality of liberal fantasyland. And where you do your comments do intersect with reality no one cares. Yeah, Rush was hooked on drugs, O'Reilly is a blowhard. BFD.
Posted by antonin1 @ 12/05/2003 02:20 PM EST
George W will still protect you dumB asses
Anytime now, George.
Posted by Boronx @ 12/05/2003 02:22 PM EST
Today's Headline: Top 20 List Excites Online Liberals, "Hey, We Can be Funny Too". Too bad the content is shite. You've got to have some fresh insights into reality to score hits. Can't just play shoot 'em up in the altered reality of liberal fantasyland. And where you do your comments do intersect with reality no one cares. Yeah, Rush was hooked on drugs, O'Reilly is a blowhard. BFD.
Posted by antonin1 @ 12/05/2003 02:20 PM EST
Your Honor, shouldn't you be reviewing cases or something? Or bathing in the blood of virgins while fondling a statue of Mary or whatever the fuck you Opus Dei dipshits do?
Or, you know, fucking yourself?
Posted by The Ghost Of Bill Hicks @ 12/05/2003 02:24 PM EST
You've got to have some fresh insights into reality to score hits. Can't just play shoot 'em up in the altered reality of liberal fantasyland. And where you do your comments do intersect with reality no one cares. Yeah, Rush was hooked on drugs, O'Reilly is a blowhard. BFD.
What the fuck are you talking about?
YOU'RE A CONSERVATIVE, MORON. ARE YOU SURPRISED THAT YOU DON'T FIND THE LIST FUNNY?
"Asshole Doesn't Find Jokes About Assholes Funny. More at 11."
What would a "fresh insight" be for a year-end summary list? O'Reilly made racist remarks about Samoans? Chill the fuck out, holmes.
Posted by jesse @ 12/05/2003 02:29 PM EST
Ann Coulter is wild, but damn funny. You don't get that with leftist kooks like Michael Moore and bucktoothed moron Al Franken. So I guess I'm saying only rightist kooks are funny.
And since you brought her up, Hillary Clinton's book says she had NO CLUE that her hubby was dippin his wick in Monica's tonsils. Ergo, she is either a liar or the biggest dope in American politics. Which is it, folks?
Posted by Mr. Big @ 12/05/2003 02:30 PM EST
Ann Coulter is wild, but damn funny. You don't get that with leftist kooks like Michael Moore and bucktoothed moron Al Franken. So I guess I'm saying only rightist kooks are funny.
And since you brought her up, Hillary Clinton's book says she had NO CLUE that her hubby was dippin his wick in Monica's tonsils. Ergo, she is either a liar or the biggest dope in American politics. Which is it, folks?
Posted by Mr. Big @ 12/05/2003 02:30 PM EST