| everything is good again |
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| 04:56am 26/08/2003 |
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i've had enough of all these emotional updates lol. everything is back to normal. so now ill tell ya all the other stuff. like how im finally in school! how weird is that. i never thought i'd do it, but i did. im in school, college. now i really really need to get my license. it really shouldnt be that hard. like everything right now has the potental to be really great.like i still work at wendy's but im getting promoted so pretty soon ( hopefully) i will have medical and vision benefites a nice raise and paid vacations, not to shabby, and im in school, and it should be super easy for me to get classes and then my license and then i can really really concentrate of a car! then ( my favorite part) i can move out! it all seems so impossible but really its not! i could so do it, if i just consetrated on the shit i need to do and not the shit i want to do. anyway so yeah im pretty happy right now.i have a plan and its nice. :) but yeah school is cool, im likin it so far. im gonna go now. bye |
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| sorry about that |
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| 05:10pm 02/08/2003 |
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sorry joe cam over unexpectantly and i couldnt let him read what i was writing. that the shittiest part of it all, marc and i decided to try and work things out. we didnt break up and i forgave him but im still hurt you know? and i cant tell anyone, i mean i can i just dont want to. im embarassed and ashamed and everyone will just get mad. like mike levy will prolly get mad at marc maybe even joe, i told connie and she got mad. i just cant deal with all that. its my bussiness ya know? my decision. i love him, i couldnt loose him not to something like this we are worth way more then that, and he didnt do anything ya know? it was just a letter, its just kinda hard to forget about it when i cant really express that its even there with out creating madness and mahem in my relationship and with my friends. so yeah if you read this and u know me, please just dont say anything, you comments are unnessicary, i just needed to express myself and this is the only thing thats not gonna yell at me and get all mad. everything is good now. to tell u the werid ass truth i think its made things better. he feels like an ass and he knows he hurt me...way bad. and he said that he loves me but he realizes he hasnt been treating my like he should. and he thinks he doesnt deserve me, cuz i forgave him and i shouldnt have, but i think that its not a big deal that i forgave him. i really wanted to, i just needed to know it would never happen again, i gave him full aportunity to break up and go do whatever he wanted to do with whoever he wanted to, and thats not what he wanted. i wanted to forgive him if it was posible and it was, so i did, and now everyting is good and we are even closer then before. its weird but im glad i found that letter, it opened up the door for us to talk about a lotta stuff we had been avioding. so nobody comment on this its over with i was just venting.ok? ok. |
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| The Biggest MileStone Yet |
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| 10:09pm 01/08/2003 |
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ok so. i know i dont ever write in this, but i really have nothing else to confide in, not about this. and besides i've documented practically all the other major events in my life, and this is pretty major.ok here goes.
marc is working the orange county fair and he is staying in the dorms at the college across the street for the whole 24 days. well since orange county isnt that far i decided to go visit him. first i go and spend one night and most of the next day. he goes to work at about 11:00am gets a break from 2pm to 5pm then comes home at about midnight. to pass all the alone time i cleaned his room and did laundry and made everything nice. it was fun. so fun i decided to take 5 days off work and go stay there this time i brought a litttle t.v and a stereo and once again cleaned. well my frist day there ( i got there the night before) i started to clean and on the floor i see a folded piece of lined paper, naturally and non-challantly i read it. ITS A MOTHER FUCKING LETTER TO ANOTHER FUCKING GIRL!!!!!!!! i swear my heart itself started to cry. it said she was a "sexy flirt" and she " clouded his judgement" oh and dont forget the part about he "was sorry he lied when he said he didnt have a girlfriend" he told some bitch that he didnt have a girlfriend, then he says hejust needs to know if shes cool with that and if they can hook up all secret style! what the fuck is that/ after all the shit i've done for him, after the fact that he is already breaking my heart but going to florida and not letting my go with him! he lives in my house! i love him more then anything! i do everything for him. and he does this. welll he came back on his break to find me crying my eyes out on the bed. he says " whats wrong baby?" and i cant even speak i dont know what to say im just crying and i point to the letter. he reads it and says " i really fucked up didnt i" i say " uh yeah" then i ask why and what the fuck and what the hell is wrong with him leaving something like that on the fucking floor and then tell me to clean his fucking room.what the hell seriously? at that point i didnt know anything i asked if he had sex with her, he swears he didnt even kiss her, she just flirted with him and he wrote the lettter but chickened out didnt give it too her then forgot about it, then it ended up on the floor where i procided to find it. then i ask if he ever cheated on my like in florida, he swears he didnt. im crying hes crying i dont know what to do, all i want is to makeup is to forgive him, i didnt want to break up i couldnt bear it i gotta go finish later bye |
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| i guess i should update this |
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| 12:19am 04/06/2003 |
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well marc came back and things are super,back to normal, i wish i could say that it would be like this for a long time, but he is leaving me once again (for real) in September sometime. he is joining the military :( his base will be in florida, ill be in california, he'll be gone a a year and a half. and needless to say we're not staying together that year and a half it would be way hard. why dont you go with hi, you ask? well i brought the idea up to him cuz i would go in a minute if he let me. but he didnt like that idea, it doesnt seem fair to me at all and it kinda hurts, but what can i do ya know.part of me knows thats best anyway, its just gonna be so hard, ya know. but thats not for like 3 monthes, so im just enjoying being with him until it ya know like happens. an insanely optimistic side of me as a spark of hope that he will change his mind, but the rest of me knows and understands the reality of it all. i finally quit my stupid Job! my last day is June 9th and i finally am going to college in the fall. my parents leave on the 11th fun fun fun. life is definately not all that bad. Marc worked with me for a little bit :) it was so fun, but we are both leaving, well he already left and im in the process. well im gonna go/ |
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| WHoa is ME ( dedicated to the Anonymos dick licker who hates how i bitch in this journal) |
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| 02:36am 22/01/2003 |
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im soooo sad and depressed about marc being gone, i dont know what to do with myself! all day i cry and mope around. im sad, none of my friends like me anymore, my work wants to fire me cuz im sad all day and dont work hard enough anymore.i dont know if i can do this anymore, all this waiting and wondering. oh im sooooo sad! so very sad! cant anyone make it stop! please god make it stop. bring him back of please. im going crazy with lonleyness! BOOOOHOOOOO WAAWAAAAWAAAA. i cant wait until i go to florida thats the only thing that will make me happy again.what will i ever do without my marc. oh no, im so sad. pity me! please pity me! boohoohoo.
( is that whiney enough for you " anonymous"?, cuz if you want im could do better, just let me know) |
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| i hate this! |
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| 01:32am 17/01/2003 |
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i hate this! i cant wait until these stupid 3 monthes are over and marc is back here in california. i am too stressed out with him gone. im too fucking sensitive and i hate it! if he doesnt call me i get all sad and paranoid cuz im fucking retarded! and i havent talked to him in like forever, ( forever not even being that long by the way, im just super sensitve!) i just wanna feel normal again! completely normal im sick and tired of missing him! i just want to be with him so i can be completely happy and normal again. im not miserable but everythings different and i am super sensitive i cant stand this! its too long! gosh darn it! i feel all weird! like if i talk about " my boyfriend" it feels weird cuz i havent seen him in so long! i have a boyfriend i dont see! im tired of this! i just want him back! i cant stand this anymore! its just getting to me! im not sad im not lonley im PISSED off and impatient! i want things back the way they were! and its taking to long to get back that way! i dont wanna wait anymore!and why the fuck hasnt he called me! ( see thats an example if how im getting cuz he has been gone so long) im all onry and aggrivated with my whole situation. time sint going by fast enough for me. i miss him too gosh damn much for this shit! i cant even explain im just sick and tired of him being gone! i hate this waiting crap!its stupid! STUPID!! it needs to hurry up and be march 4 already! UGH! im just so frustrated! and i dont even know exactly why! i have a none stop feeling of frustration and aggrivation i only know is caused by him being gone there is no specific event or reason for this frustration! so why is it here! why cant i just be sad and mopey like before!ya know! like ugh! i cant wait until i just fucking go to florida. then ill be normal again! just normal, fun happy, not frustrated, not sad dawn. cuz they dawn i am now is CRAP!ok im gonna go. |
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| whatever |
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| 02:35am 27/12/2002 |
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ok so there is some crazy person, who replied to one of my posts as if he was my boyfriend, marc. out of instinct or something i didnt believe this was really marc, it just didnt seem like something he would say, marc is much more clever,and like he deffinately wouldn't have had the subject say " hey honey" it would prolly say "Dawnie!" or "Poops!!" ( for the record, i do not know why he started calling me poops, it just happened lol,but, i must admit its cute when he says it) So anyway i asked marc if he had gone to my livejournal and left a comment,he ( has i knew he would) said no. he didnt even know about this journal. so i told him about the impersonation. and we didnt think much of it. but i must say i thought and still think it is really odd of someone to do that. what was the point of leaving a comment as if you were marc? at first i thought that he was just trying to make me feel better and i left a rather nice reply to this guy u can see comments part of the previous post)and then to my suprise the monster reveals itself. and this person said.....well you can read it, they arent very nice things. it all kinda confuses me.but it doesnt matter, i guess if u have something thats all public your bound to run into assholes like that. and he probably thinks that what he said actually affected me. which is pathetic. cuz it didnt. i know marc would never purposely hurt me, he isnt an asshole (like some people who leave mean comments in peoples journals) he is nice and sweet and most of all he cares about me. dont get me wrong im not saying he is perfect, there is the possiblity that he would cheat, i honestly dont think he would, but crazy shit happens sometimes, what i do know for a fact is that he would tell me and he would feel bad, it would hurt him in the end just as much as it would hurt me and and i really think we would work it out. i love marc very much and i trust him, and no matter what some idiot out there tells me i am not going to worry about things as stupid as marc cheating on me. thats ridiculous. all im worried about is gettting these 3 monthes over with and having my wonderful boyfriend here with me again.all i want to do is see him smile,hear his laugh,hug and kiss him, and talk to him, when i visit him we are going to stay up all night and talk, just like we used to. i love that. thats the stuff i long for and not having that makes me sad, him cheating on my is the least of my worries. sorry whoever you are,but, your pathetic attempted to hurt me as failed.better luck next time jack ass |
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| MERRY CHRISTMAS! |
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| 12:31pm 24/12/2002 |
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mood:  chipper music: Sublime-Its So Nice
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HOHOHO!!! its christmas eve! yay! i hope all of you have a super great christmas. |
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| i am fucked up |
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| 01:30am 12/12/2002 |
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i'm feelin niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i took a vicadin smoked a bowl ad drank some Boones farm. i feel nice. the only thing that could make my nihgt perfect is marc. i cant wait until he comes back i cant wait i cant wait I....cant WaIt!!! i want to kiss him sooooo bad i just wanna hug him, i want to so bad it almost feels like i can. but he is so far! this is harder then i has antisipated. in the day time i'm fine and when im around friends its all good, but at night time when its time to hit the hay.. i cant! i have such trouble sleeping now. usually i dont know why, but tonight i just cant stop thinking about how much i just want to hug him, a hug sounds sooo nice a marc hug a nice long marc hug. sigh.i cant wait until i go visit him im gonna hug the shit out of him.im pathetic i know.i never thought id be like this folks, im worse then the people i made fun of for this shit.but he means so much to me, and im scared of loosing him, while he is in florida, like that his love for me will fade cuz im not there, or that he will find someone else. at least im not all mopey all day like i thought, i just get lonley at nigt, i swear its like i have withdrawls. he is so cute guys he really is, he has the cutest smile when is gets all stoned and smiles its great.like yeah i love to make hims smile and laugh all girly like lol its so funny.im gonna register for school! im going to Citrus!!! YEAH!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!! fun stuff! well im gonna get going! sigh. :) at least thinking about him makes me happy. :) |
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| i miss marc (again) |
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| 02:45am 09/12/2002 |
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hi. i know i havent updated you in ages,but here i am now. i know Marc goes away for one or two weeks all the time and i always miss him, but now its the big one. the trip i've known about since we first got together.......FLORIDA. for 3 monthes he will be in florida with this dad and his little brothers.i miss him so much i dont know what to do with myself, except cry and sleep. I KNOW! i know thats stupid and girly and dumb and lame, but it just happens. im so used to seeing him everyday, before work i'm with marc and im so used to getting a kiss goodbye everyday and now im not gonna get one for 3 monthes! and when i come home from work instead of him being here for me to watch Jay Leno and Conan with im all alone and i dont even wanna watch Jay or Conan. i dont know, he just makes me happy. like if i had the crappiest day at work where i just wanted to quite and say "fuck this day!" when i come home and i see him and he kisses me or hugs me or looks at me its makes it all better and i forget how crappy my day at work was.and all the time at work i would think " dont worry Dawn just 4 more hours and you'll be home with Marc" and i always brought him home food and a biggie coke with no ice and i feel so sad now cuz i have no reason to bring anything home now.the day he left was the worst. the whole day i just wanted to throw a big tantrum and tell him not to go, or just beg him to stay, but i couldnt, i cryed a lot though, they sent me home from work which was good cuz i got to see him 1 more time and we had a much better goodbye ( it was perfect) then the first time which was a disaster: ok so all day i've been hanging out with him and just getting all the last minute kisses and hugs and i love you's as i can before i leave for work, cuz when i left he was gonna go to his moms and spend the night and she was gonna take him the the airport at 5 the next morning. well i had expected my mom to take me to work and that we would have the final c-ya later at home..but no. he insisted that i have Tim take me to work, when he came to take marc to his moms, i tryed to say no but everytime i did he'd get all puppyfaced and say "pleease" so i finally said ok. so we get to my work im trying my best not to cry and im doin o.k when he says he should go inside and meet my coworkers cuz i always wanted him too ( which is true) i try to say that, that was not a good time but once again came the puppyfaces and "pleease" so i said yes he goes in i try my best to be happy and introduce him, but i fail, we hug and he says " i love you" i start to ball my eyes out i dont even say i love you back cuz im crying to much and i walk with my face in my hands crying to the breakroom. where eveyone sees me and my manager sends me home. but i get home and he comes back to get something he forgot and we have a nice real goodbye, cuz i cryed and felt better so when we said goodbye this time it was tearless (until i got back in the house of course) and nice. we kissed we hugged we mutually i love youed and he walks to the car i go on the porch and all of a sudden he runs up the porch grabs me and gives me a wonderful passionate kiss and we say i love you again and i go in the house with a smile, which unfortunately but of course turns to tears when his car drives away.the next day he called me from florida and gave me the number. and im going to visit in feb. maybe earlier cuz i want to go for Valentines Day ( it'll be our first offical one) but i dont know if i can wait that long. i miss him so much. like he has only been gone for two days and three nights, so im still adjusting to sleeping and waking up by myself and coming home from work to no one who is awake and waiting for me and not hearing " i love you" 20 thousand times a day and not saying it and not getting kisses and hugs all the time. like yeah im not gonna have sex for like ever either, but seriously i dont even care, i just miss everything else so much the last thing i think about is sex. but i know when i visit.......DAMN!!!!!!!!! thats all i have to say about that :) he'll be back though, i know. its just adjusting to being without him for so long that hard. it is gettting easier though. its hard to go out though, i just wanna stay home but he has forbidden me too i cant be " a mopey lush " while he is gone. when he was in jail ( yes jail not for anything serious, he just got screwed by the system) i drank a lot, not like sloppy drunk everynight but i would drink like almost every night. so he says none of that i need to be happy and have fun cuz he loves me and he is coming back thats what he says. and he did the nicest thing ever. its nothing but its just so sweet and cute and nice and thoughtful and nice. we have a really shiny dresser that we sometimes doodle on and erase later like a dry erase board and without me knowing he wrote "I LOVE YOU" on it and he left a note on my rabbit cage that said " i love you" and about where my head would be when i am sleeping he wrote one the wall " i love you Dawn" he really is a nice guy, like just all around as a person he is nice and sweet and caring, he can be an ass ( oh yes) but when it comes down to it, he is a super sweet guy and i love him more then i ever expected too.wow i feel like 10 million times better after typing all this. ill probably be back soon. |
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| I LOVE SUBLIME! |
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| 03:08pm 25/05/2002 |
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mood: cheerful music: sublime- No Woman No cry
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i love sublime. i love them so much its scary.like all i need is Sublime and im content with sitting and singing along to bradley.i have a new favorite song by them. its their cover of No Woman No Cry. its amazing! i love it. they changed the lyrics a little but its still really good. its makes me so happy i want to cry. and its so fun to sing! i love sublime. and the first thing im gonna do when i get a job and a paycheck is get my tatoo! and its gonna be SUBLIME in old english on my lower back just like Bradley had but smaller ( a lot smaller) and on my lower back. i want that tatoo so bad sometimes i think i have it.like whenever i talk about sublime with someone i just wanna be like " look what i have" and show them my lower back but then i remeber i dont have it yet! but i will get it within the next month i will have that tatoo and show it to everyone! like sublime makes me so happy. if im ever sad or in a bad mood i can listen to sublime and it makes me all better. i wish bradley were still around he was the shit. well i just wanted to express my love for Sublime so ill tell ya later. |
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| SO NOT FAIR |
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| 08:15pm 18/05/2002 |
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can i just say that i am kinda sad. Marc is moving to Florida.THAT SUCKS!!! there is a very slim chance that he might not, but its very very slim. i'm gonna miss him, like not even as a boyfriend just as a person. he is one of my very very good friends, i know that if marc and i break up we will still be friends,thats a fact, we were friends before we went out and i know we will be friends after.and him living in anahiem is one thing it can deal with that, its not that far, but florida i can never ever see him and prolly never even talk to him for a long time. we will go from being in a relatioship to being pen pals. im trying to be suportive cuz i dont want to be selfish, he has to do what is best for him and right now that looks like Florida where he can be with family and stuff.im just gonna miss him..........a lot.like i finally am in a real relationship with someone that actually matters marc and i are more then just a couple we are actually friends that is something i have not really had in previous relationships. Minesota was kinda my friend before we hooked up but thats all it ever was hooking up. i was never completely comfortable with mike, but i can tell marc anything, i dont care if he sees me with no makeup, or sick, or being silly, he is silly with me half the time and we actually talk. a few times we have stayed up all night until daylight just talking and being silly. i've never had that before, its like Joey, but specail.and i like it and now its going away, maybe. maybe he will find anopther solution, i hope so. im just trying to be as positive and suportive about this as i can, but i must say the circumstances under which he is being forced to move to florida are really unfair and really stupid,and most of all unfair!!!! im not gonna go into detail, but his bitch ass girl roomate is a stupid selfish, caniving mean person, from what i heard anyway. Marc is one of the nicest people, he goes out of his way to avoid confrintation and he would do anything he could for anyone living in that house, even bitch-ass girl roomate and they screwed him over and it sucks. but i guess everything happens for a reason, we'll just have to wait and see, i guess.
well on a happier note i GRADUATE IN LESS THEN A MONTH!!! well i've already graduated, but i walk on June 11th, im nervous, crystals walking too though so its cool. im super excited! well i guess im gonna go. |
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| i miss marc |
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| 06:42pm 08/04/2002 |
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mood: Day Dreamy music: Sublime
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ho hum. i really need to learn how to drive, really bad. i have a permit but i am the most awful driver ever. but if i had my license it would be so great i would drive everywhere, especially to Anihiem to see marc, cuz i miss him. like it sucks cuz ill see him for a couple days and itll be fun but then he'll go away and i wont see him for like another week, and he doesnt call me ever i might add. i always have to call him, and he is always sleeping, always!but like even if he came over to my house and just slept i'd be happy, but he doesnt drive either. i know i sound like one of those stupid girls who are all wrapped up in their boyfriends and i hate that and im not that, but i really do just miss him.ok but im not gonna talk about that anymore. blah cuz i dont need marc to have fun.......everything is just 50 times better when he is there :). but anyway i guess ill quit my whining and go do something productive. |
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| hey |
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| 10:09am 26/03/2002 |
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so now im graduated. its a strange feeling, like i dunno, im not in school, i am out of school. this is me.........and i dont have to go to school. i kinda think i took highschool for granted a little bit, my highschool experience is filled with tons of memories but it could have so much more. so i dont know what im gonna do now, prolly go to Mt.Sac. but yeah i am offically a highschool graduate.....yay me |
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| What up bitches? What up Sluts? |
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| 06:21pm 15/03/2002 |
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hey alright so im in need of some major updating. life is good, im back at Vista i graduate next week, im moving out of my house around the same time, i have a boyfriend for a month next Thursday and youll never guess who it is cuz all my loyal livejournal readers should remember ( the big like 0) does the name Marc ring a bell well yeah him, and the biggest peice of news is i am no longer a virin, yep little Ditz is a women now lol and that too was Marc ( but we all new that was going to happen anyway) it was the boyfriend/girlfriend thing that surprised me and uh....everyone. anyhooo. thats all my news in a nutshell. im still at mcdonalds and yeah. Dude you should all see Jay and silent bob strike back it hilarious and just a barrel of laughs.heeheehee alright we im gonna go now but i just thought i drop in and update cuz Jill has been telling me i need to. |
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| hi |
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| 05:58pm 06/01/2002 |
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mood:  bouncy music: No Doubt-Rock Steady
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dude, i dunno. i am bored. i hung out with Janell today, it was cool we never get to hang out, i miss her :(. but it was really good to see her again and actually get to talk to her. we will prolly end up hanging out more cuz we are both going to Vista. i worked for like 4 hours today it was cool. we were slow has hell so i got to leave early. well blah blah blah i guess ill go. :) |
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| i feel better |
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| 02:42pm 03/01/2002 |
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ok so i took a shower and now i feel much better and im less cranky. awwwwwwwwwwwww. ok i just wanted to let you know :) |
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| dawn is sick |
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| 01:39pm 03/01/2002 |
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mood:  cranky music: kotton mouth kings
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i have a cold and its no fun, no fun at all. im on my period and i have a cold at the same time and let me tell u that is not a good combonation. i extra emotional and i physically feel like poo. and seriously i am lonley ( this may be the pms talking). Joey and Candice and Connie and I were at my house talking until 4 am and like joey and candice kinda like each other well i mean they dont really know each other but they want to get to know each other ya know, and after joey left Candice and i got to talking about guys and i went through all my past things and they all suck! seriously.joey said and i quote " Dawn if i were you and guys had done to me half the stuff they have done to u i'd be a lesbian by now" its true! it makes me want to cry. like im not a lesbian but guys have treated me like shit. and its my fault, cuz i let them.i let them use me until they got their fill and now no one wants me.seriously! blah i dont care, im just babbling cuz im all cranky. im gonna go take a shower.bye bye |
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| new years was the shit |
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| 11:57am 02/01/2002 |
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actually it was alright. i can say it was the best new years i've ever had, but i can also say it could have been better. i did get a new years kiss though :) i got like 5 from the same person though. who you ask? Marc! i had no idea he was going to be there but he was and i was very happy. he seriously is my favorite guy. like out of all the guys i have had any sort of romantic involvement with Marc is the only one that i can look back and i still get all smiley and happy. sure some other memories with other guys make me laugh like funny haha, and some make me sad and, ick on a few occasions i get a little nausieated from a couple memories. but never with marc. he is the least confusing and the nicest guy. i dont know if i just have attach ment to him because he was ya know my first real kiss or if he is just a great person or if its both, but he is my favorite and im really glad he was there. i wish i saw him more often, but itll prolly be monthes before i see him again. well let me tell you about my new years. i get to joeys a about 6 o'clock and already there are a few people there smokin' some u know what and just chillin in the gazebo and before you know it the boys want to tap the keg so they do and we just all laugh and smoke and drink and wait for people to get there. its Me, Joey, Erin, Mike, Chriss, and John in the back yard and then Crystal and Bobby come but they cant drink cuz they have to wait for this girl Nicole to call them so they can pick her up. eventually people got there and it was cool. i mingled a lot i was sober for most of the night that kinda sucked but i still had fun. for a little bit i was buzzin and just mingling with everyone. it got pretty big like i dunno 20 to 30 people. and i dunno it was just fun. my new years resolution is to start jogging and to be more chill, like just to be more kick back and to get a tatoo and my tongue pierced my ears peirced all by the end of this year and to get my drivers license by the end of this month. so yeah i feel like i am babbling so im gonna go -k- bye. |
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| oh the boredness |
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| 07:00pm 27/12/2001 |
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mood:  blah music: No Doubt-Rock Steady
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well i have nothing to do tonight. i supose i could go to coffee, but i'd really like to be doing something i dont do every other day. maybe ill call joey and hang out with him. that's always fun. well i cant think of anything to talk about so im gonna end this entry. :) maybe ill be back later. |
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