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Mind Altered Beast

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[02 May 2004|11:50am]
I got a new job, working at a bank. It's good money, awesome hours, health insurance (FUCKING FINALLY FUCK YOU BUSH!) and vacation up the butt. I finally have a reason to celebrate Columbus Day. The wedding is also in just about a month. It's pretty much all taken care of, and now that all the planning bullshit is out of the way I can finally sit back and get excited about it.

Other than those two cool aspects, life sucks, my friends are boring losers and I want to leave town.
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[12 Apr 2004|02:04am]
I've been absent for the last few weeks, but not because I didn't have anything to say. I've had a lot going on, and I just didn't feel like I wanted to write it down.

My job has really started going to shit and making my life miserable, so I've been looking hard for another job. I'm going from simple like secretary and bank teller to an Alumni worker for my school or working for MOPIRG. Basically, any job with benefits and any job that isn't the one I currently have. I used to think school sucked, or that school was annoying, but I'm officially an idiot because it was so much easier and more stress free than this shit. Abby and I are looking into Peace Corps though, and some other teach abroad programs so we can go somewhere after she's done with school.

I've also been spending a lot of time, more than usual, with Abby, and it's been amazing recently. Not that it wasnt fantastic before, but the last few months have completely cemented my desire to spend the rest of my life with someone. The ability to love is such an amazing capability...
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[29 Mar 2004|09:33am]
[ music | Kid Spatula - Hard Love ]

Can anyone tell me, without using the words "Murphy" or "law", why it is that every time I finally have a weekend off, I get sick? I mean, fuck. I finally had a saturday off, which I was going to put to duel use. The first thing would be to party late on Friday night, something I never get to do. The second thing was going to be that I could work on my vegetable garden. That's right, I'm growing a vegetable garden. I have tomatoes, green beans, chile peppers, bell peppers, spinach, cantaloupe, asparagus, eggplant, cilantro and basil. There is nothing more punk rock than growing your own vegetables. Well, actually, there is. Oh well, people who care about being punk rock can go suck a lemon.

Anyway, I got to do neither because I was struck down from above with a fever, diarrhea, cough, body aches and a runny nose. SWEET DUDE! Also, down in Mexico I got completely eaten by chiggers so I have probably about 150-200 chigger bites on my ankles, legs and sides. Chigger bites last for 7-10 day, usually. So all in all, I did not have a good weekend.

The upside to the whole thing is that I'm finally feeling better today, it's nice and sunny out, so I'm going to walk to work.

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[22 Mar 2004|09:43am]
[ music | Manu Chao ]

Well, I'm back from Mexico now, and it was totally amazing. The trip down there and back is pretty rough; it takes almost 24 hours to get down there. It's a 6 hour flight with a stop in Dallas, a 10 hour bus ride from Mexico City and then a 2-3 hour ride on pickup trucks down a dirt road just to get there. The town itself is pretty incredible. It's called La Chinantla, down in the Uxpanapa valley, where the Chinantecan people live. It's way south in Mexico, almost by Guatemala. They don't have running water, so everyone gets bottled water and uses well water. That also means there aren't sinks in most homes, the toilet gets flushed with a bucket, and you take bucket showers. Since I was an adult, I could have lived in the Marianist house with the other chaperones, but I chose to live in a house, so I got to live with the butcher. Their house was half wood planks, half cement. It was actually a pretty nice house since some of the houses are just made of found wood planks, roughly put together. So the whole week I lived with this family, slept in their house, and used the bucke shower method, which was actually pretty cool. Literally. The well water they used was freezing, so it was always a shock when you dumped that first bucket on yourself.

I went down there as kind of a translator, and I ended up leading one of the work groups because I could speak Spanish. So my group worked out at the farm, building a barbwire fence. It was interesting work since everything was done by hand. The post holes were dug with post hole diggers and an iron rod for smashing rocks, the posts were cut off trees around the farm, and the barbwire was strung by putting a 70 lb spool of barbwire on a thick branch and carrying it until it all unwound. Other groups poured cement (which I helped at the last day), white washed a building and painted a mural.

Probably one of the most interesting things was that some of us at the farm got to see the butcher kill, skin and cut up a cow. It was actually a bull, so it was crazy to see the bull go from this huge living beast that was fighting hard to get away to a bunch of giant hunks of meat. It was good for us Americans to realize that meat just doesn't appear at the store, that it's actually made of a living animal. I think we take that for granted, and we really allow ourselves to become distanced from that fact. I mean, this bull fought for over a half an hour, resisting the 8 guys trying to get it up the butchering area. Once it was there, it still fought, foaming saliva and breathing hard. The way they kill it, the way it has to be killed, it a stab to the jugular so it bleeds out and then a stab to the back of the neck to sever the spinal cord. So once the bull finally gave up, the butcher hit him with one good shot to the neck and the bull just stood there, gallons of blood squirting from its neck, slowly sinking to the floor. I won't lie, it was hard to watch. It's hard to watch anything die. But that's life. And they use every part. They're connected to their food, they raise their food, they kill their food. Americans can learn a lot from that, because frankly (and I thought this way before I went down there), the way we raise our animals is disgusting and unhealthy.

Anyway, I'm back, but I wish I wasn't.

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[11 Mar 2004|11:58am]
I'm sure most people have seen this by now, but fuck the ETA. I don't think most people realize how much shit they've done over the last 40 some years, and now it looks like they've killed another 200+. This is ridiculous.
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And here we go... [10 Mar 2004|01:07am]
I've been thinking a lot recently, since I'm out of school but in a boring job, where exactly I'd like my life to go. I know this is a hard and ridiculous question to answer at 22, but I still ask myself, "what the fuck are you doing?"

I've come up with one concrete answer. I never want to live a life that's ruled by material wealth and possessions. Now, before you accuse me of being a Buddhist or something, it has nothing to do with that, but it has everything to do with how much I enjoy my life. I look at my life (as an American) and I compare it against the lives of people in other countries and against what I truly value, and I always decide that I want a happy life. I don't want to work 60+ hours a week, nor do I want to kill myself just so I can afford that better car, or that bigger home. Getting married constantly reminds me of the fact that someday I will have a family, but that someday is a ways off. Until then I can move and travel and do what I choose to do. Fuck furniture and a house, I want freedom. And once I have a family, I'll make sure my kids have food, clothing, and everything they need. Their options will be almost limitless. But that doesn't mean I have to work til I die to provide that. Parents today seem to think their kids need $20 in their pocket all the time, $150 shoes they'll grow out of in 6 months and a bunch of electronic shit they don't need. Parents are bribing their kids. My dad had a nice management postion and my mom worked too, but I never got a car, I got $10 a week to do a bunch of chores, I had to work at 16 and I'm better for it. I don't think having kids means retiring at 75 on Social Security that won't be there in 20 years.

When I lived in France, I noticed that the whole country shut down in August. The meat stores, the bread stores, everything but the biggest chains. And did people die, starve, couldn't get to work? No. Because everyone there realized that you need some goddamn time off now and then. The Spanish know it too, and that's why Spain is full of festivals, people taking two hour lunches and people who party until 4am on a Tuesday. Because work is a part of life, BUT IT IS NOT LIFE.

Edit: I know this is a simplistic view of what really happens. There are plenty of French and Spanish who kill themselves. I just wanted to share my view with people, that life is worth more than we seem to think it is. For me, having my life and my free time is always more valuable than a new couch or a bigger tv.
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[03 Mar 2004|11:12pm]
I saw my first flash of lightening in almost a year, just a few hours ago. A pow pow pow out of the corner of my eye followed by the distant sound of an upset stomach. If I was a little more conceited, I might have thought the paparazzi was finally closing in.

I feel sorry for people who cling to tradition. Tradition is another word for the absence of new thought.
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The Sins of Others [02 Mar 2004|11:33am]
[ music | eebee - live at the seminar ]

If you've ever watched a whole group of people sing, some on beat, on key, and some horribly, horribly off on both counts, then you'll know how I feel right now. It's like having two hundred trumpets being blown at you, very softly. I suppose that's why music is such a big part of church, because of the whole choir of angels and the "ta da!" and all of that. I personally hate singing, but I find myself up here every Sunday because I can sing, and because I like to watch people watch me sing. I like people to look at me in general. And as weird as it might seem, I like all of those old, clammy hands grasping mine at the end of church, shaking loosely with weak grips, congratulating me on another job well done. "Way to belt out that Hallelujah, junior!" or whatever it is old people say to me. I usually just nod along and try to savor the moment in which I get to touch a piece of history, a genuine antique! A very old black woman even hugged me once and that was the best part of my week. She smelled exactly how I always thought my own grandmother should smell, but she in turn just reeks of mothballs and cheap gin. What is up with the cheap gin? "You're going to die soon anyway, why not blow your money on top shelf booze?"

I think people believe they're communicating with god when they sing in church, because no one smiles. It's such a serious event. White people sure know how to suck the fun out of something. I guess when god hears their song, they think he'll be mad if they're enjoying themselves. Church is serious business, what with all the death and whatnot. It's kind of unnerving looking at all of these unsmiling faces every week, it makes me doubt my own capabilities. Did I just see a grimace? Is my singing that horrible? I hope no one starts to bleed from their ears. This is a tough song though. You try to hold the word "Israel" for 15 seconds. It's like trying to sing about Bosnia. Not exactly subject matter that lends itself to song. And the word isn't even Is-ree-ahl, it's Is-rahy-el. It's like singing in a foreign language.

Never-the-less, I'm finishing up the song, getting ready to try and keep my baritone through some Hebrew, and it happens. There is no dignified, deep, resounding Is-rahy-el, but rather a wholly undignified, falsetto Is-rye-AEl. I envision Christ comnig back to life because I just unwittingly uttered some kind of voodoo spell to bring back the dead. If I knew what a duck getting sucked through a jet engine sounded like, I would say that my voice cracking had a similar sound. I just stood up there, looking straight ahead at the little stained glass dove, but I could feel the burning stare of two hundred terrible, awful singers looking at me in disbelief. And no, that was not the Holy Spirit talking through me, but maybe rather the 8 beers I had had the night before. You know, dehydration tightens your vocal chords, doesn't it? Is there a doctor in the house?

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[24 Feb 2004|07:06pm]
I'm going to get this down before the whole issue gets played out by the media and even supporters can't stand to talk about it anymore. Gay marriage, or as I like to call it "what the fuck is the big deal?"

You know, it would be nice if for once we as a society could just fucking accept something. It seems like every 50 years or so we have to go through this huge fucking ordeal... women's right, black rights, minorty rights, gay rights... I mean, it seems like we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble if we just decided from the very beginning "Hey, we're all here, we all have the same and equal rights, so let's just accept it." I find it odd that humans define themselves based on who they are better than. It's this constant struggle to see whoe's best when it doesn't really matter. I hate to be the first one to break this to every body, but we're all going to fucking die, so why don't we all focus on being happy instead of trying to take away other's happiness.

As far as gay marriage is concerned, the whole issue is retarded. I have yet to hear of one gay couple trying to get married in the or a fucking church. So why is it a religious issue? From what I can tell, they're not looking for god's fucking approval, they just want to be able to have a family, to be together, and to get the same dumb financial benefits heterosexual married couples get. Why you get a bonus for getting married, I don't know, but FUCK, just give it to them. These right wing assholes spend all their fucking time bitching about how gays are promiscuous, how they're unnatural, how they can't have children. Well, here are untold numbers of gay couples who WANT to be together, who are in love, who WANT to start families, and YOU are denying them that. Fucking hypocritical assholes.

And you know, why should heteros claim parenthood for themselves? Because they're physically capable? I'll tell you this, I'd rather a family who truly wants and can afford a child have one instead of the millions of inbred, unfit parents who pop hundreds of children out on a daily basis.

Bigots.
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[17 Feb 2004|04:38pm]
[ music | Decoder - Spider ]

I am going to find a way to combine the thrill of travel with the pleasure of an awesome meal, and then couple that with the pain and exhilaration of exercise. And then I will be the happiest man on earth. Or a drug addict.

Job and money continue to fall in the ratings, but I'm starting to care less and less. The time is coming, and coming soon when I shall say FUCK YOU to all of this - my things, the people I know, the good ol' US of A - and move to a small village somewhere. The more I compete in the job market, the more I deal with and strive for money, the deeper I go into this whole sickening capitalist mire, the less I want to be a part of it. I'm not about to turn into a dirty pinko commie red, or anything like that, but I just want to divorce myself from all of it. I want to take Abby and just run as fast as I can.

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[02 Feb 2004|10:43pm]
I think it's hilarious, the way everyone cares that they saw Janet Jackson's tit. Or rather, they saw a boob, with a nipple cover on. At the Superbowl, oh no. I just don't get it.

Here's my thought. Nietzsche was right, all higher entertainment IS based on cruelty. People want to see fucked up shit so they can complain about it, and some people keep us stocked in fucked up shit because they know we want to see it.
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[28 Jan 2004|11:33pm]
I don't know if anyone read this, or was interested in my journal, but here I am. It's funny how easily we get into routines (email, our friends, the same lunch every day), and then how easily we fall out of these routines. Hey, if anyone can offer me a job in St. Louis, I'll take it, no matter what.

My job is bogging me down. It's basically retail/food service. Not quite a waiter, but then again, not quite a McDonald's cashier. I think it's ok for now, it's not too hard, and it's not a career. I know this is the pussy's way out, but I don't mind working a shit job on a double bachelor's degree. Fuck it, I'm drunk, everyone hates their job, I'll post more often.
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[31 Dec 2003|04:08pm]
[ music | Aphex Twin ]

I think my all-time favorite new years resolution has got to be "I'm going to get in shape this year." To see why this is funny, go to a gym or even just look for all of the joggers on Jan 4th. Then look again a month later and 80% of those people will be gone. I shit you not, check it out for yourself.

That's my number one example of why resolutions are stupid. Because people have no willpower. Let's just all resolve to constantly try new things and better ourselves, every day of the year. Don't become that person who orders the same meal every time they go out, or the person who loves Cabo San Lucas so much they go there every year. Be different, be adventuresome, be open. And have fun tonight!

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[27 Dec 2003|04:56pm]
[ music | chemical brothers ]

This past month has been a real rush of activity. My brain is on overload, coming up with new ideas all the time, something that hasn't happened in a while, and it feels great. It's nice to have that creative side of myself back after losing in a mire of depression, self-pity and boredom.

The holidays were great as usual. This year I decided all I wanted was clothes since I was down to one pair of pants TOTAL. That's right, when I wasn't working, I wore the same pair of pants every day. But then again, I'm not much for clothes. I got a sweet pair of Zoo York jeans, a pair of Fink chinos (blue), a pair of brown cords, a couple Obey long sleeved shirts, a new pair of Pumas and a cool little German warm-up jacket. I'm ready to hit the town and listen the The Hold Steady, but never The Strokes because they're sellouts, or something. Or whatever. But seriously, I now have clothes. It is nice to be clothed.

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[20 Nov 2003|10:41pm]
I came to realize something today, over a period of time. I am a huge pussy and I need to shut the fuck up. I can say this without a trace of animosity because it's the truth and I know it. I've spent the last 5 months moping about job, bills, girlfriend, friends all of it. I've come here posting these stupid fucking posts about how my life sucks but it doesn't. I just need to shut the fuck up and start acting, instead of just sitting, waiting for shit to work itself out.

I'm done.
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[15 Nov 2003|09:15pm]
I've had the sneaking suspicion recently that time is no longer moving along a linear path. I'll wake up and not know what day it is, what time it is, where I am, even. I'll be at work and I can't tell a customer if it's October or November, I can just point toward the door and say "cold." The date? I have no idea. I'll lose hours--big chunks of juicy, irreplaceable time--and I'll have no idea where I put them. Life is a really bad movie directed by a Tarantino knock-off who loves the slow motion followed by the sped-up shot a little too much, who likes to fuzz and blur the action to give it some sense of chaos and confusion.

I think my biggest clue that time no longer exists is that every day I wake up, and it's just like the day before it.
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[13 Nov 2003|01:13pm]
Two things are certain to today:

1) I hate everything and,

2) Sex may be be a sin, but gangbangs are god's gift to us all.
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[10 Nov 2003|01:27pm]
[ music | Bad Company - Hunted ]

"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage and kindness.
What we choose to emphasize in this complex hsitory will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places-and there are so many-where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.
And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous history." -- Howard Zinn

When so many people turned up in so many different cities to protest the impending war on Iraq, I was really amazed. It seemed like that might mark a turning point, but as soon as the war started, the protests lessened, but did not die off. And yet, to the casual observer it would have seemed like the protesters had given up, because there was no mention of them in the media. The media presented only stories of success or human interest stories and it wasn't until the public's "view" of the war started to change did the newspapers actually start reporting on the negative aspect of the war: the fact that we didn't really win, that it was going to cost a lot more than planned, that people were dying, that the Bush administration had omitted facts or even lied to push the war agenda forward. But people were still speaking out against the war, holding talks, publishing books.

I think Zinn makes a greta point when he says "If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something." That is in keeping with Michael Moore's point in "Bowling for Columbine," that the media is engaging in a war on the public, a war based on fear. By keeping everyone fearful, the public is kept under control. After Columbine, kids started being suspended or expelled for having plastic knives in the lunchboxes, for pointing fingers at people and saying "bang," for wearing black clothing or for speaking out against the school/government/society. After 9/11, we were given a list of possible terrorist attack sites, and shown by CNN how easy it is to get at a nuclear reactor. People were afraid to speak about police brutality, or to speak up against Bush in this "time of need." All of the papers turned into instruments of the state practically, never daring to dissent.

And all the while, we're pumped full of images of murder, death, robbery and the weather. We're kept content with 500 cable channels, movie star gossip, pop, fashion and money woes. Everyone is well aware that we're in a recession now and that little Johnny might have to be content with a GameCube instead of a XBox this year. But where is the media coverage for everyone else, for the laid off factory worker who can't get unemployment because of government cutbacks, or even just for the millions of poor who were poor and will continue to be poor long after the stock markets rebounds. Everything in society forces us to constantly keep striving for more, to never be content with the present. I find myself thinking about the future all the time, thinking about all of the things I want to do, or wish I could do, but at the present moment, instead of doing them, I'm sitting on the couch watching tv.

So don't let the negativity bring you down and join with me in trying to be more active and socially engaged. There have been serial killers since societies formed, they just didn't get 24 hour news coverage and made for tv movies like the do now. As I've been finding out recently, there are plenty of people out there who want change, no matter where you live, it's just a matter of getting out there and getting involved with them. They won't come to your door and convince you to join.

And as cliche as this sounds, we can all just start with ourselves. In a conversation with someone recently, I explained that I didn't eat at McDonald's because of the way they treated their workers and people in South America, and because their food sucks. She said that was all fine and well, but then she reiterated the point everyone makes "What is one person going to do? It's not like they'll go out of business because you don't eat there." I know that, and I don't think differently, but I don't eat there for the same reason I don't buy Nike or Gap or support any other organization that mistreats its workers or mistreats the earth: because why would I give them money and support them when I don't believe in what they're doing. I don't give money to the Republicans or the KKK because I don't believe in them, so why would I buy something from a place I know is evil?

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[10 Nov 2003|11:30am]
I know this is a risky move since it's only Monday, but I'm already prepared to declare The Sea and Cake's "Parasol" my new favorite song of the week.
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[08 Nov 2003|10:32pm]
[ music | Pharcyde - Passin' Me By ]

This is weird, but I've found myself really wanting to hit up a rave recently. Warehouse raves were legal in the city of St. Louis up until probably 2-3 years ago, and they were always great. I remember the Moonshine Over America tour coming to some crazy warehouse on Washington my freshman year, and Carl Cox played at like 2am to a huge, packed crowd of sweaty little ravers. It was the rave 20/20 with Barbara Walters warned you about, with sex in the corner, blowjobs in the port-a-potties and vicks and fuzzy mitts as far as the eye could see. I think I just miss the energy, and my friends (mostly my friends) who were always up for something.

So at work we have one of those suggestion boxes, and my bosses are always trying to convince me of the validity of these things. They tell me over and over that one bad experience can sour a person, and I always thought that was kind of dumb, but then I remembered an "incident." How many of you have had a similar experience? I want to hear about them.

Anyway, a while ago, when I was probably 12 (so a long time ago), I was in a Hardee's (Carl Jr.) with my family, and I have no idea why. My family is one of those anti-fast food families, so why we were there, I have no idea. I think we were with extended family, so who knows. Anyway, I don't remember the specifics at all. I think fried chicken was involved, but whatever. All I remember about the meal at this point is that there was a waitress, and she came and filled sodas with a pitcher. I know a waitress at a fast-food place sounds weird, but trust me. So anyway, she came over to fill our glasses and just dumped a whole pitcher (on accident) all over me, my dad and someone else I think. And she never said she was sorry, she just ran off and someone else cleaned it up.

I've been to Hardee's once since then, and that to try these stupid thicker burgers they won't leave us alone about (it's still a boring fast-food burger served to you by some surly, obese 27 year old woman with acne). I never thought about it until now, but I remember hating Hardee's, vowing to starve instead of eat there if someone suggested it during a road trip or something. Because of some rude, clumsy waitress, I've pretty much hated the place since. Weird, huh? Can anyone else think of something like that?

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