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and they say wild hearts can't be broken. |
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"its funny, when i'm with you i dont feel sad or worried or anxious, its just good. but, really good."
2/13/2000
"look what i did now. ruined everything again. i ruin things like it is my purpose in life to watch these beautiful monuments to happiness just burn to the ground. and what do i do? saw it starting to crumble and instead of sacrificing myself to keep it togther, i just let it fucking fall all around so i could ride the wave of crumbling rock.
for once the problem isn't lack of caring, that was never called into question. shouldnt it all be so easy if thats not shaky? it was never supposed to make me feel anything. so why am i thinking about it now.
looking back, i see the signs now. i'm sure i saw them before, but now i see them and choose not to ignore them, i choose not to play dumb any longer. the phone calls, the kisses, the concentration, the caring, my birthday, the hand on my back, the tear on the cheek, black gray and white world, the hair out of my face, the hesitation, the vigor, the way we learned to live, i never thought i would rely, he always wanted to watch me and i never let him, the meaning of satire, sarcasm lost, the pull away, the pretending to not hear, the phone calls to wake me up, the phone calls when i am fast asleep, he wants to know, he knows when i'm lying, he can see right through me, he cares and how could i not see, how could i not see.
how could i not see?"
this is what happens when the fantasy becomes a reality. this is what happens. no one actually wants their dreams to come true. no one wants to live their life with those dreams.
as always, reliance makes me sick to my stomach. no matter how much i learn it, i always seem to forget.
i think i'm going to throw up. ha. thats one for today.
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