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So this is life...
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| I never did finish writing in this thing yesterday, did I? Huh, just goes to show how scatterbrained I really was. I'm not sure if I wrote about me getting sick, but I am. I'm trying so hard to fight off what I think is an ear infection, along with a sore throat. But I think I'm going to have to give in and go see my doctor. Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate getting sick and I'm really stubborn about going to get it taken care of. Me stubborn??? Nooo... Tonight Sunshine and I were supposed to go out with my mom and a bunch of gals from her work. I know, going out with my mom exactly doesn't sound like a 25 yr. old's perfect Friday to many of you, but my mom and her friends definitely know how to have a good time. Well, we're not going out tonight. I guess they are going out tomorrow night. Hopefully Sunshine can still go. As for tonight, I now have no idea what I'm going to do. Maybe just sit at home, watch some movies, and try to feel better. I'm not going to be able to make it to the doctor today, so I'll have to tough it out until Monday. So maybe, just maybe relaxing at home tonight would be a good idea. We'll see... Sunday night should be fun as well. Bridget won some tickets to this hip comedy club at the MOA and she invited people off of lj. Since we KNOW her personally, we're in! I'm really excited. It should be a good time. I haven't been to the place before. It's called Knucklehead's. I've heard really good things though. Last night this guy Chris called me. I have never met him, but my mom knows him through this gal she works with. She keeps telling me he's really good looking with a good looking smile, blonde hair, blue eyes, nice build. At this point, if he has his own job, is independent, not a pussy, not pushy, and pretty laid back - I'm game. ;) I don't know too much about him other than, his name is Chris, he's 25, has three jobs, lives in Eau Claire, WI and recently had his thumb smashed at one of his jobs. Oh, and he's originally from Iowa. I wonder what it is with me and guys who live, or are from Iowa. Strange... Well, I better get back to work. If I think of more, I'll be back. If not, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Enjoy the beautiful weather if you can! | ||||||||
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| I was going to update this yesterday, but I never got around to doing so. I really don't know why either. It wasn't like I was so busy at work that I couldn't do anything else. Because I wasn't. I was actually quite bored. Come to think of it, I think www.bored.com really kept me company yesterday. How bad is that? Speaking of boredom. I'm feeling it coming on again today. Now, I realize when starting a new job with a new company, you aren't going to be very busy right away. You know, customers, work, and all. But boy do I cling to those times when I actually have real work to do. Basically I do my "day" work all in the morning so it's out of the way, then I just wait ever so patiently for the customers to stroll on in. I make some phone calls in the afternoon, but that's about it. It's a waiting game. I almost feel like I'm deer hunting or something. And I don't even hunt! Patience is key. I will enjoy these quiet times while I have them, because once I start to gain some new clients and such, I will be wishing and dreaming of these slower, more gentle days. A positive for the busier times in the office is that staying busy certainly makes our days go by much faster. That's a huge plus when working in a bank. Awww, the good old days of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. How I thirst for those days again... **Side note** I apologize if as you're reading through this entry you notice some words and/or phrases missing. I seem to be spacing out today for some reason. I'm not sure why. In my mind I'll be thinking of the word to type, but it is not being communicated to my brain. WEIRD... So, Lee and I went out on Tuesday night and we had such a great time! We went to Bww's and then to Old Chicago in Plymouth. I can't believe it's been a year since he and I last saw each other. But once we got to chatting it was just like old times. He's still ultra conservative and I'm still not. We got into our old 'political' debate, as per usual. It was fun. It was always fun to debate with him and go back and forth. We talked about what is going on in our lives currently. I mean, we totally updated each other. It was almost as if we had seen each other every day for the past year. That's how much detail was exchanged. It was really nice. I didn't tell Lee about my tongue piercing because I wanted to see if he would notice on his own. *He noticed not more than two minutes after walking in the door to the restaurant.* When we were dating, he always wanted me to get my tongue pierced. Gee, I don't know why. :) Anyway, he said to me, "Figures, you break up with me, and then you get your tongue pierced." I just laughed and told him, "Those are the breaks." We both laughed. There was some flirting going on for sure, but you have to expect that with two people who used to date each other. He kept telling me how good I look and that I still have the same beautiful eyes and great smile. I didn't know what else to say but, 'thank you.' And of course, it wouldn't be Lee if he didn't compliment my butt. Ha! "The junk in your trunk," as he liked to refer to it. Then we both laughed. We ended up at Old Chicago for the rest of the evening. Just sat at the bar, telling stories, watching the T-Wolves & U of M Girls BBall do their thing(s). Met this super cool chick at the bar. We sat down right next to her. Her name is Laura and I even got her number. HA! I picked up a chick. Okay, not really, but she's basically living in MN (moved from IL) with her ex-fiance and she doesn't really know a lot of people. She's hilarious, laid back, and really nice. Plus her and I share a common background - falling in love with our best friend. She's going through the early stages right now. She just told him. She asked, so I gave some advice, and told her that in the long run, don't sweat the small stuff. Because it isn't worth it to jeopardize the friendship. I will for sure call her when a bunch of us go out. That way she can meet some new peeps and get out of the same old routine. COOL BEANS! The bartender at Old Chicago was...sizzling! His "name" was/is Cowboy. Good Lord he is fine! He is a darker gentleman and a damn good flirt to boot. He even noticed my trusty tongue ring. .... After we left Old Chicago, it was time to call it a night. Lee ended up parking kitty-corner to me and didn't even realize it until all the cars cleared out of the parking lot. It was cool. He walked me to my car, gave me a BIG hug, and told me how good it was to see me and that we must do it again soon. I agreed. We hugged for quite some time. It was really nice. I missed him. ... NO, we will not be dating again. JUST FRIENDS. He still wants more than me at this point. I'm happy I we met up with each other. Hopefully we can see each other next week. ... Well, I better scoot to lunch. I have more to write about, so I'll finish up later. I hope everyone is having a great day! | ||||||||
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| 13 Days, 8 Hours, and 28 Minutes until the home opener!!! Visit MNTWINS.com for up to date info! | ||||||||
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| First of all, today is a beautiful day! It just puts me in a good mood thinking about how spring is just around the corner and how summer is ever closer than it was yesterday. I love, love, LOVE this time of year. And I just can't wait for the home opener. MN TWINS baby! Then I can sport my D-Man jersey. The worlds greatest first baseman, well, to me he is. He's a golden glove winner, what more could a girl ask for? His wife is one lucky lady. This evening should be a fun one. I'm meeting Lee for dinner at Buffalo WW's. Or, B-Dubs as most of us know it. I haven't seen him in...months. Maybe it's even been a year since we've seen each other. I can't remember. That's terrible. It should be a good time. He lives in Minneapolis and I work in Anoka, so we're meeting in Plymouth. That's basically the middle for the both of us. FUN FUN! I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Take a moment to look outside (if you're stuck inside), and enjoy the beautiful blue sky. If you have the pleasure of having the day off, or you played hookie, enjoy the great outdoors for all of us bumps that are stuck working inside. Thanks! **Sorry I didn't call you back last night Sunshine, I was sleeping. I fell asleep at a ridiculously early time. LOL... I woke up around midnight, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went back to bed. SO SAD...** ;þ | ||||||||
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| That's right folks. I had another good weekend. Not quite as action packed, flirty, and vivacious as last weekend, but good nonetheless. Friday night Ben and I went to Diamond's Sports Bar in Anoka to see GB Leighton. GB and his band were AWESOME. They played some Prince, some Hendrix, Morrison, and a lot of their own stuff - it was awesome. It was a last minute decision to go, but I'm happy we did. Before the show, we ate for the first time ever at Noodles & Company. The place has been around for a while, but neither of us have ever gone there. It wasn't bad. I had the Penna Rosa - pretty spicy, but damn good. It's a little spendy for a bowl of noodles and a juice drink, but I'd go there again. Saturday was a lazy day. Well, for the most part it was. We ended up venturing to Ben's G-ma's and G-pa's house to play some cards and do some laundry. It was a fun day/night. Laid back, chilled, and laughed our butts off. His grandparent's crack me up. They are so cute! They call me their grandchild and I call them grandma and grandpa. We tell each other we love one another. It's really nice. Yesterday I went to church and then went out for lunch with my friend Tina. She and her husband live in Buffalo. I haven't seen in her a little over seven months! And she's seven months pregnant! That's bad. We both have been on different schedules, so it's been very hard to connect. It felt very good to see her. We didn't have too much time because her and her husband had to be somewhere at 5pm, but we had such a wonderful talk over lunch. We updated each other on our lives and just chatted like the old days. It was very nice. The really awesome part about it all was that when her and I were talking on the phone last week, she had told her husband that I really sounded happy. It's nice to know that other people can see and hear that I am truly finding happiness day by day. I'm really putting in the work to be happy and I love it. I love working on who I am, what I'm about, and what I stand for. It just amazes me a little bit more day by day to see how I am growing. Baby steps...slow, patient, baby steps. | ||||||||
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| What actually happens to a person right before they die of boredom? | ||||||||
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| So, last night around 12:45am (technically this morning), I started coughing/hacking so hard that I didn't stop for about 45 minutes. YUCK. Now I sound like I have a frog in my throat, okay a brillo pad. I tried drinking some hot tea first, then some hot cocoa, but neither of those helped. My nose is a bit stuffy, but nothing serious and my head feels like it's been stuck inside a decompression chamber for about 12 hours. Other than that, if someone asks me how I'm doing, I still manage to say, "I'm GOOD." Because in actuality, I am. I truly am. It feels GOOD to actually give that answer, "I'm GOOD." And mean it. I wonder if I've ever really meant it. Huh... I'd have to think about that. These past few weeks, well, month now - have really made me work on myself. And slowly, the real me is coming back to life and I love it! Last night about seven of us went to Time Out in Elk River to celebrate St. Patrick's Day - none of us being that Irish. But it was fun anyway. We just sat around a big table, talked, laughed, and some enjoyed the tasty 3 for 1's that were offered. I was even able to come up with a movie idea amidst all my brainstorming and chatting. The main character's name is Rambo the Turnip (aka. RuddyBegga). He even has turn on's, turn off's, likes, dislikes, and a favorite position. LOL... Lame I know, but definitely hilarious! Maybe sometime I will share all the ins and outs of Mr. RuddyBegga from the world famous Turnip Truck...HA! It felt really GOOD to laugh with some friends and just relax. It's always GOOD to see a friend smile and to hear them laugh, reminds me of the GOOD old days. I hope everyone had a GOOD or great evening. And I certainly hope everyone continues to have a GOOD week. God Bless! ...It's all GOOD... | ||||||||||
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| ME ME ME!!! Oh my goodness, I don't even know where to start. All I know is when someone asks me how my weekend was, I am inclined to give them two thumbs up. Which by the way is SO outdated and rather dorky - giving any amount of a thumbs up - but it's an automatic reaction. I've already caught myself giving out the thumbs twice today. A bit scary actually. Well, I originally thought Friday night was going to turn out to be the Muppet Movie Marathon from hell. However, with some sly convincing and secret subliminal messages from Sunshine, we got out of the Muppetfest around 9pm or so and headed to Becker to see Boogie Wonderland. This extremely awesome 70's band that I've seen many times before. And let me tell you guys something, I am SO very happy we left the Muppet-love Marathon to go shake our azz's. I had such a great time. I mean, this was by far the best weekend I have had in...I don't know how long. A very long time. We drank and we danced and we were definitely merry. I think I managed to dance with just about every guy in there. And I loved every second of it! It felt like the good 'ol days. Ahhh... Such a great time was had by all... After we were done with all our booty shakin' and flirting, we met up with buddy-boy Benny at Perkins for some late night/early morning grub. Got home around 3am and went to bed. Saturday I woke up around 2pm. Yup, I slept hard. That's for damn sure. It felt good though. I basically relaxed for most of the day and then around 5pm I called my friend Tracy up and met her at her place in St. Louis Park. Her friend Corinna showed up, we had a couple drinks at the house, and then we headed into Minneapolis to this trendy bar called Cafe Lurcat. As soon as we walked in, I knew I was going to love it. They had a live Reggae band, Les Exodus. Oh my gosh, such an awesome vibe flowing in there. I loved every second. Lots of yummy eye candy and just an all around good atmosphere. Corinna had a $50 gift certificate so we drank that up. Three cosmo's (each) later and we were out of there. The place is spendy, but definitely a spot to hit if you're looking to get some culture and laid back atmosphere. From there we headed to this place called Bunny's in St. Louis Park. More like a sports bar, but it was cool. Between us three gals, I think we ate all the food they had left. They have great pizza. We headed back to Tracy's house to crash and I left Sunday morning. Another awesome night. Ahh... I loved it! Sunday morning I picked Sunshine up for church and after church we headed to St. Cloud so I could pick up some much needed supplies and she needed to return a cd. We had lunch at TGI Friday's (yummy), and then ran our errands and headed home. We both passed out on her couch(s) later in the afternoon for about an hour or so and then I headed home. It was definitely another fun day. Three in a row...how often does that happen? I'm grateful for this weekend, that's for damn sure. Thank you Sarah, for an awesome weekend! You encouraged the old Jeana to come out, and she did...full force. I loved it! Let's make sure to do it again real soon! I think that in due time, I'll be back to my old self. With a little patience and love for myself, I will be back. ;) | ||||||||
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| So, I've had people asking me all day what I am doing this weekend, and when I tell them, they give me a warm smile and a friendly laugh. But I wonder what they are REALLY thinking. LOL... Go ahead, ask me what I'm doing tonight. I will tell you that I'm going to a Muppet Movie Marathon party! And I am damn proud of it! In fact, even better, it's a POT LUCK marathon party. Now that's what I'm talking about. Food and children's characters, what more could a single gal ask for?? LOL... It should be a really fun time though. At least I will be able to meet some new people and see some good friends all at the same time. Well, I have my car back and the stuff/crap that was in it. But at least the car is cleaned out and now all I have to do is put back in it ONLY the stuff I want. And then I can ditch the rest. WHOO HOO. All I have to do then is wash it and vacuum it out. I can't wait to have a clean, fresh smelling car again! Saturday I'm getting together with an old friend from an Insurance class I took last year. I haven't seen her for quite some time. I'm sure we'll go out for a drink or two and chat. I'm looking forward to it. Should be a good time. And I may even go bowling with Sunshine and her family depending on what time my friend Tracy calls. Later in the evening I have a 'Going away/Farewell' Party to go to for a manager of mine from Target. That should be a good time. I forgot all about it until this morning. OOPS... Sunday I'm going to church, then probably going over to my mom and dad's house. I don't know for sure yet. We'll see. But that is pretty much the run down of it all. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Be safe, but have lots of fun! I'll write more later if I can think of anything else... NO CUDDLY-WUDDLY! LOL ;þ | ||||||||
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| I found it! I found my car!!! | ||||||||
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| Has anyone ever left their job at the end of a long day to find that their car is missing??? That's right, your car is not in the spot you left it about nine hours ago and you haven't a clue as to where it is. Yup, that happened to me yesterday. I left work, or tried to, at about six o'clock to find an empty parking lot. Well, with the exception of the two vehicles that belonged to two co-workers of mine. My car, POOF - and it's gone. Talk about having a nervous break down... I did. I still am. I think this is yet another test that I am meant to go through, and somehow it will be okay. I WILL BE OKAY. So, bring on the tests - I'm not going anywhere. | ||||||||||
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| WHEW...That's where I can begin. So many things have changed for me over the course of about the last month, that I haven't a clue on where to start. My love life, or lack thereof has changed dramatically and left me with a broken heart. I have a new job. I'm truly beginning to find out who I am and I am learning to love who I am. That's a HUGE step for me. I'm not sure that in my 25 years of living, that I have ever loved myself. So to say my life has changed could be an understatement. My relationships with all of my friends - I'm slowly mending and making better. My communication skills have improved immensely and I couldn't be more excited for all the change. I'll begin with my new job. I recently went through three interviews (which combined lasted approx. one month) and rec'd a job with First Nat'l Bank of Elk River. My start date was March 1, 2004. I am working in the Anoka office as a Relationship Banker. Basically the same thing I was doing before, just in a much more relaxed environment. I love the people! Everyone is so helpful and sincere, it's wonderful! I'm really looking forward to this experience. It's a great move for me. I am no longer with Target. My last night there was this recent Saturday night. ALL DONE. YIPPEE! Next, I'll just get the broken heart story out of the way. I have been in love with someone for quite some time. Someone who didn't return those same feelings of love that I gave to him. He loves me, but doesn't LOVE me. I hope that makes sense. I've known how he has felt for quite some time, however I thought that with time, his love and affection would grow. I was wrong and I was nieve in thinking that. Over the course of the last month I have had my defenses broken down and the walls of my heart have been shattered. However, I WILL BE OKAY. I was very unsure of that in the beginning, but day by day, with time - friends & family and with God's help, I will most definitely be more than okay. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have my moments of weakness, doubt, being scared, worry, anger, and sometimes resentment...but it will all subside. I know it. I have a stronger faith in myself to handle the situation than when it all first began. A broken heart is very difficult to get over, but like a mountain that seems impossible to climb, I will put my best foot forward and live on. I'm in no hurry to fall in love again or to be in a relationship for that matter - it's time for me. I have met someone. His name is Jesse. He's a great guy and I'm sure the friendship will be a strong one, but it's a slow moving process for which I am grateful. I met him through my friend Jade. Jesse knows about my recent situation and my hurt feelings, so he's willing to go slowly, very slowly with me. The last thing I need right now is someone demanding all of my time, attention, and affections. My heart isn't ready for that yet. Not for a while. So I will keep myself open to the feelings I may experience, but I will walk with a cautious stride. It's time to think about me and what I want. Not what I can do to make everyone else happy. As far as friendships go, I am slowly learning the important facets of communication again. And I'm making headway. I'm discovering how much I truly missed so many of my friends and the wonderful company they were to me. I was horrible when it came to communication - partly because of the job I kept, but also because of the blindness to which I was facing due to a heart in love. I neglected so many people and for that I am truly sorry. I just pray it isn't too late to mend those fences. A lot of my friends have been very understanding, a couple have not. But I will keep communicating and connecting with all of those whom which I love and hold so dearly to my heart. It's a whole new day... Last Saturday was a life changing day for me. Literally. I mean it was as if it was written in stone for the events to take place last Saturday. My life changed forever. And I'm in awe of it all still. I'm not ready to share with everyone what happened, but one day I will be. It led me to the decision of being baptized in the church I have been attending for about a year and a half. I will be baptized on Good Friday. I couldn't be more excited or ready for it. I'm by no means a bible thumper, but I am ready for a change. And I welcome it. All of these changes, these new ways of thinking and dealing with my problems have prompted me to take a deeper look at who I really am. I am slowly realizing that all of the wonderful things people (friends, family, & co-workers) have said to me and about me - they are true. I'm really starting to see the Jeana that everyone else has come to know and love. I hope that doesn't sound cocky. Because it's not meant to. I'm just slowly discovering the "me" inside whom I've wanted to know for all my life. And I think she's a beautiful person waiting to be let out into the world. Slowly, she will be. With time, I will know and love the me I've waited all these years to discover. I'm filled with a sense of joy and warmth for the road I am traveling on. The path to self-discovery is a tough and trying one, but the journey is well worth the wait. | ||||||||||
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create your own personalized map of the USA or write about it on the open travel guide | ||||
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| Well, I guess I should say Happy Valentines Day to you all! I hope everyone had a wonderful day/night full of love. Whether or not you have a special someone in it or not, I hope you found a way to enjoy it. I slept for most of it, then this evening Sunshine and I went out for dinner and then headed into Foley to see a band called Ramblin' Roads. Awesome band with a super hot guitar/lead singer dude. He was a nice bonus of eye candy. The band consists of a mom (lead vocals), dad (another vocalist/lead guitar), their hot son on vocals and guitar, their other son whom is the drummer, then our friend Kirsten's husband plays bass. They kicked some major ass! I had some drinks, danced my ass off, and even got up on stage and sang "We got the beat," by the GoGo's. Well, sang back up with four other gals. Good times. Definitely the best V-day I've had in a very long time. Thank you to everyone for making a rather crappy day turn into something extremely fun and very memorable. I appreciate it Sunshine! And I love you pal! Thank you for the awesome card with the big ass on it and the sweet butterfly magnet. I love them! Good night all, and hopefully I'll be writing in here again real soon. ... Peace ... | ||||||||||
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| I'm all moved in! WHOO HOO! A quick thank you again to SUNSHINE for all the help she gave me on Tuesday night! I love ya girl! Thanks again, it really meant a lot to me that you were there to help. I think the GoodWill will thank you also, I mean, you did help me give them two gigantic boxes! LOL... Here's to a new start! | ||||||||
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| Well, this week is over already and I must say, I got through it. With no help from my friends that is. ... ONLY because I didn't let anyone in to help. Last weekend was a total bust and it could have been something really great. But instead, I wanted to be alone and I didn't know how to tell people and for that I am truly sorry. I know some people think that a dog dying is no big deal but, she was my puppy for 13 years. I just didn't know how to comprehend that she was gone. I still don't, but it'll be one day at a time. So, if I've hurt anyone's feelings or anything, please forgive me. ......... On the flip side...guess who is moving into her new apartment this Monday? Yeah, I just found out. When I say just, I mean just. How exciting, although, I'm hardly ready to move. | ||||||||
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| To my dearly departed Sadie...you will forever be missed. I grew up with you and over 13 years you became a little sister to me. You showed me an unconditional love I had never known possible... when no one else did, you offered compassion when I needed a shoulder to cry on, you made me laugh even when I didn't want to, and you offered comfort in my times of need. We could play, walk, or just lay together, but whatever we did, we always had fun. I always looked forward to seeing your happy face with those big brown eyes and your wagging tail when I came home from work, school, or when I came to visit you at mom and dad's house. You were always so happy to see me...so alive. What I'll miss most is, you just laying with me on my bed. Just having you by my side was sometimes the most important thing to me. You were ALWAYS a friend to me and you never let me down. I couldn't have asked for a better puppy. ... .... I love you pretty girl... May you walk along the heaven's with that bounce in your step, that wag in your tail, and that gleam in your big brown eyes. You are God's puppy now... I'll miss you. Love Jean | ||||||||
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| Just a quick FYI for the people who care, I have started a list of the things I not only like, but love out of life. I figured I would do that as a way to discover the inner me. I will begin a list of the things I dislike when I deem it appropriate to do so. But for now focusing on what makes me happiest is most important to me on this path for self discovery. I'll keep you all posted! | ||||||||
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| That's right, I am not looking forward to this weekend. I was about two weeks ago, but now I am not. Originally I was supposed to go up to Duluth to visit an old friend (just a friend, although I think he thinks it's more) on Friday and stay up there until Sunday or Monday, but now, it's slowly looking like that isn't going to happen. My Mom wants me to drive with her and Dad to Michigan to pick up my Grandpa (it's a long story), and I'm not sure I want to if her sister is already going. I mean, I offered to go when this all came about (being under the impression that no one else would be traveling along to help drive), but after learning that my aunt may be going with, I figured I wouldn't have to, so I continued on making plans for Duluth. Well, now my Mom is upset that I "don't want to go." It's not that I don't want to, but I REALLY wanted to go to Duluth. Just get away from here for a few days, you know? Am I being selfish? I don't think so. I am constantly thinking and worrying about other people's feelings, I don't see why I should be looked down upon if just this once I want to think of myself. I mean, I love my family, but damn, sometimes I just want to do something for me. Without asking for an opinion, one of my friends said this, "For what it's worth, I think you should go with your parent's to Michigan this weekend." Then he continued to say that it would be a good way to begin on rebuilding a relationship with my parents, particularly my mother. And that it would give us an opportunity to get some issues out in the open or to barry the hatchet on issues that need a grave to settle in. Her and I have our ups and downs, if you haven't picked up on that already. And when I called her yesterday to see what was going on for this weekend, well, needless to say, the conversation was one of our "downs." Furthermore, this friend who lent a branch of insight is going up to Bemidji to see his old college buddies this weekend. He's leaving today and will be there until Monday or so. I think this is another reason I am not looking forward to this weekend. Part of me gets jealous...still. I hate being jealous because it takes up so much of my energy. I think I get jealous of his old life (not the using part), just his happiness and freedom of spirit when he talks about it all or is on his way up to visit. I would hope that he would look on our friendship with the same type of excitement and freedom of spirit. ... Who knows. I may be over-thinking all of it. When it comes down to it, I'm jealous of all the fun he's going to have. I just don't see myself having any fun... (NEGATIVE THOUGHTS TAKE UP MORE OF MY ENERGY...ARGH!) What am I going to do? Should I go with my parents or skip it for Duluth? If I go with my parent's I should be back by late Saturday, hopefully. But what will I do with my weekend then??? Not a whole lot I can do with that. At least I will have made my mother happy. Who knows, maybe I'll have fun too. There are some doubts to that statement. If I go up to Duluth, I'll be spending the weekend with a friend who will show me around, maybe take me sailing, and just chill. Although, I know he'll be expecting a lot more from the weekend than I am willing or wanting to give. ... Choices and decisions are a never-ending part of my life. CRAP... | ||||||||
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| Here I am sitting, trying to figure out want I want to do with my life. I'm also trying to figure out who the hell I am. I think I just realized the other day that I have no idea who I am. Scary thought for sure. What do you do when you actually realize that who you are is a total mystery to yourself? Freak out? I did. I was actually scared out of my mind because I was asked the question, "Jean, who are you?" And my mind drew a complete blank. Not good. And when I began to freak out, I was told it was no big deal, that not everyone knows exactly who they are or exactly where they are going. I thought I had it all figured out and now I'm not so sure. I think what brought this all on was quitting my job. I think it took something completely life changing for me to realize that I don't have myself or my life all figured out and I have to come to terms with the fact that I may never have everything completely figured out. Wow... talk about a self realization that will kick you in the ass. I guess I'm happy I had it now rather than later. Maybe now that I have some time in between my jobs I can try to put things into perspective. Really try to focus on myself for a little while. Try to make me happy and get to know myself, get to know who I am. The real Jean. Yes, that's what needs to be done. And so it shall be done. Now it's just finding out how and where to start. I mean, it all sounds great, but how the hell do I do that? How do I get to know myself? How do I find out who I am? I mean, do they have self-help books at Barnes and Noble for that kind of thing?? LOL... I'm thinking no. So here's the age old question: How does one find out who they are? Shall I start by making a list of the things I like and the things I do not like? Music, movies, food, people, personalities, jobs, events...stuff like that? I have no idea. Talk about frustrating. I finally know what the task at hand is and what needs to be done to make me feel better about myself, but ask me how I start? As far as outer appearance goes, I've lost around 50lbs since January, and I thought that losing that weight would automatically make everything all better... Boy was I wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am damn proud of myself and I am starting to like the way I look, but that's not everything. Inner beauty is much more important that outer, in my eyes anyway. And I feel that until I can appreciate who I am on the inside, I will never fully be able to appreciate who I am on the outside. Nor will others around me. ... ..... Bottom line: I'm confused. And my confusion has me blinded as to where I begin. How to I begin to find myself? How? | ||||||||
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So this is life...
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indescribable