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Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
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6:14 pm - iT's AbOuT dAmN tImE!!
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I know I know, where the hell have I been?
I moved to texas Yo!
I work in a building that is listed in the Guiness Book of World Records as the tallest free-standing building outside a
city. It's the Williams Tower, formerly Transco Tower in Houston TX.
Now Houston in it's self is just massive and expansive. I miss seeing exotic people on the streets of Little 5 Points in Atlanta GA, but Houston does offer year around weather that is most of the time pleasant.
It's weird though...comming up on Thanksgiving and X-mas and it's 70 degrees outside. I don't really get off on holidays or anything, but I have to admit, this one is going to suck.
I'll have no money, no family, no friends and no work to do. Maybe, if it's warm, I'll run away to the beach and go camping.
I guess, things could be worse.
But it's about damn time that I get back into writing in my journal, and my livejournal at that. So I must say...gang...
It's good to be back!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: the humm of a fax machine & the tap tap tap of the keyboard
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6:13 pm - iT's AbOuT dAmN tImE
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I know I know, where the hell have I been?
I moved to texas Yo!
I work in a building that is listed in the Guiness Book of World Records as the tallest free-standing building outside a
city. It's the Williams Tower, formerly Transco Tower in Houston TX.
Now Houston in it's self is just massive and expansive. I miss seeing exotic people on the streets of Little 5 Points in Atlanta GA, but Houston does offer year around weather that is most of the time pleasant.
It's weird though...comming up on Thanksgiving and X-mas and it's 70 degrees outside. I don't really get off on holidays or anything, but I have to admit, this one is going to suck.
I'll have no money, no family, no friends and no work to do. Maybe, if it's warm, I'll run away to the beach and go camping.
I guess, things could be worse.
But it's about damn time that I get back into writing in my journal, and my livejournal at that. So I must say...gang...
It's good to be back!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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4:51 pm
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| Monday, July 16th, 2001
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1:06 pm - m u n d a n e - m o n d a y
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sitting, in my room
by the window
with laptop,
music,
weed...
drinking coffee
not considering my unemployment
instead, dreaming
of adventure
and ravishing,
embellishing,
reveling...
every moment
finding peace in caos.
current mood: stoned
current music: Moby--The Rain Falls and The Sky Shudders
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| Friday, July 13th, 2001
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7:36 pm - having hearts for eyes...and thinking of you
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I wonder if people know they are works of art and miracles of life wandering around being themselves?
For You
Falling, deeply
So easily
For you
Feeling, profoundly
An utter love
For you
Believing, completely
I am the one
For you
Hoping, intensely
I can be everything
For you
Waiting, patiently
Anticipating this love
For you
Giving, wholly
All of my heart and life
For you
I'm so happy. I so love you J. You touch me and make me feel warm. You take away all my inhibitions and I trust you so completely. I'm falling ever more in love with you with each passing moment. I sometimes feel I'm going to explode with love all over you. Thank you for the gift of you, and of your love, of your tenderness, and of your heart. I'm forever yours, in every way, you are my passion and my everything.
You got me.
current mood:  loved
current music: television, "Seinfeld"
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2001
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6:34 pm - not a bad way...to spend a sunday...
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So I started my day...with sex, weed, npr, nature, driving, sugar, and caffeine. What more could a girl ask for? I'd say, was a quite nice time for a Sunday. I can't imagine a better way to start off my week. I even had time in the sun, mowing the lawn. The best part?
I'm in love...unlike ever before.
This time, it 'feels' right...it's 'good'.
I know I deserve this...and I don't
have to be afraid.
current mood:  giddy
current music: my computer fan
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| Friday, July 6th, 2001
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11:46 pm - it's not at tatoo...it's a reminder in true permenant ink...
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...And the love in my heart
Has been jaded with lust
And my sight for what I've been exposed to
Is weak and blurred from other pretty layouts
Gone sour and bruised
We are too fast for love
And thus the urgency defines mine.
Time is against us...and
I've been too close to something like this before.
I was crushed...
And it took so much
of me, to get back to, okay.
I was just okay when you approached me
Barely a novice in my new self
I want and I want
And I fade...
with impossibility and impatience.
You want a wedge, then...
I will be it.
For already you are pulling away from me,
And we haven't even begun...
And I'm shaken and wanting.
Sleep now fitful and broken...
Full of so much fear and worry
It came suddenly.
I can not step from the edge...
And fall...
And the guilt and loss I feel, consumes me,
And I cannot face your tenderness
Or innocence.
For the thought of tainting your love,
Your heart,
Is unbearable and devastating
To my reflection.
current mood:  blah
current music: the tick of a clock
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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4:40 pm - i hate it when that happens...
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strange jobless man
brought to my attention
dead baby duckling
floating in the water
mad, frustrated
disturbed, interrupted
i came to the park
to find peace of mind,
instead i found death
of innocense...
i am simply
disgusted.
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| Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001
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11:29 pm - where have i been? ...i think i was sleeping, or just daydreaming...
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...downtown,
under a canopy of rain clouds
in the shadows of tower to tower buildings
footsteps are lost in the roar of morning traffic
i escape to the park
a strip of foliage to mask concrete
pigeons so tame they remember you
water running nowhere
like the people wandering crosswalks
in suits and delusionment
little adventures availible
at the receipt of more than pocket change
so i sit thirsty, bored, and disarayed
and remember...it's just a job
at least i have a view!
of construction and wet roof tops
the counting down of the hours...
filling time up with redundant babble
it's a script
atmosphere is only here
when you stop long enough,
to recall it...
current mood:  exhausted
current music: teagan and sara--my number
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| Monday, June 18th, 2001
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2:52 pm - when the coffee house closes too soon...and the magic is still in the air...
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In these last hours
Of dim light and coffee smells
I'm sitting and writing
And feeling the emptiness dispel.
They will lock the doors
Clean up the spilt teas
Wipe off the tables
But they won't take from me
The time that I've spent here
The lines that I've printed
The fantasies I've dreamed
The ache that has been lifted.
current mood: awake
current music: Breeders Cannonball
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| Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
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1:58 am - dancing and prancing and laughing all the way
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...finally i have released you....and so i find myself, finally free of bagage. come new friends, one and all, for i have no agenda, no alterior motive, no vendeta, no alterior motive to my desire to know you better.....
finally, FREE, my heart is FREE....I CAN say no, and I CAN say I'm going this one alone, and I CAN frolic and do this tango all by myself.
the fun that is had in the spontaneous moments of life are irreplacible! even my greatest fantacies of facination do not compare with the experiance of life and it's mystery at this time.
....finally i am at home with myself, almost all the time now, and damn it feels good...
better than that...i deserve it...now more than ever....
yeah world....look out for me, for i'm ready to take you own and explore your peaks and valleys....and revel in evey moment of it.....for life is limitless and i am no longer bound
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: placebo- pure morning
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| Thursday, June 7th, 2001
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12:34 am - why do i do it?
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why do i...
keep fucking up
lie to my family
spend too much money
destroy anything good
play cat and mouse games
call 'her'
eat too much junk food
procrastinate
read so little
digress as i get older
peel the labels off bottles of beer
drive so much
stay up so late
sleep so late
disappoint family
quit
get jealous
get so angry i could cry
not cry when i'm sad
live at home
live in this town
care so much about little things and not enough about the big ones
make mountains out of molehills
create my own demise
manipulate myself?
current mood:  angry
current music: my heart beat...it's racing
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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1:35 am - coffee house reality
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THE FOLLOWING ARE highlights FROM RECENT PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRIES:
I know I'm curious to know myself again...and with a feeling of loss of self, I find it difficult to share with others.
I think I'm best and happiest right now...being with just me. Friends may come and go, but I'm content to be free. I don't care much about a ball and chain, I have no interest in the dating game, I just want my time to write...and drink mocha, as much as I like. I like long drives in the country or to downtown. I like sleeping late and working overtime, and having my feet on the ground. I don't feel like being sorry, and I don't care about having intimacy. For it all comes for a price, and it takes away a piece of me. Too many people are looking for something, someone to make them complete. I've been on that journey long enough now, and it's time to have that in me.
Journaling has such an amazing power of putting the good things in front of me so that I can see them clearly, and have a point of focus...a grounds for motivation. Perhaps it's why I love to journal so. It's a time for me to reflect on the good and to find the solution to problematic situations in life.
It's my calculator for the equation of living.
...Come to think of it...I realize, in order to be inspired you have to be open to it. You almost have to look for it. You have to be mindful and aware. I've never really considered this before...
current mood: random
current music: the humm of my computer's fan
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| Thursday, May 31st, 2001
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1:46 am - mental health day...in the Old City
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I think I've just been spending too much of my life, these last couple of years, trying to satisfy everyone else, living up to the expectations of the people around me. I need to get back to what makes me happy. I admit I'm a bit detached from what that is any more. Thus, I think why I have such a hard time these days with my relations with people, at least the ones that don't know me that well. The one thing I do know that I enjoy is coming here, to the coffee houses, listening to my music, and writing in my journall...or poetry even. I'm getting into reading bits and pieces here lately. That's good stimuli. Yet I feel I need more variety of things to do. At current I'm inhibited both financially and with the situation at home. Maybe it's good for me to stay home more. I could unpack my stuff, hook up my play station, and perhaps feel more like a part of 9403 Edenshire Drive. I think it's important that I have friends, but time alone has been so valuable to me these last few weeks. Perhaps all the time in the Army and the deprivation of personal time has caused my desire for solitude. I know I'm curious to know myself again...and with a feeling of loss of self, I find it difficult to share with others. Perhaps this is another reason I desire being alone so much. I'd like to get outside...but I always find myself so bored. Perhaps an adventure would do me good. I'm thinking fishing. I'm not quite secure enough in the pursuit of camping by myself. At least fishing would put me in nature and would give me an activity, that I know I enjoy, to entertain myself for a little while. I could get me a little cooler and fill it up with beers and some chips. Stop off and get some worms and have a day to the self. Sounds like a plan, now the only question is...when do I get to have this adventure? Again, I suppose it will be a couple of weeks at least.
As for now, having coffee, writing my journal, reading here and there, researching government grants and scholarships, and taking care of Allen and Penny will have to do, and I'm content with that.
On another note, it's really hot outside today. Probably one of the hottest days I've felt here in k-town since I've been back. I enjoy coming here to the Old City. There is always some kind of eye candy, although it's not quite as plentiful and as appealing as in Lil' 5 Points in GA. Yet it's familiar and simple. I parked down on the street by a meter. I only had enough change for an hour...my hour is up. I have about 30 minutes before it won't be necessary to pay the meter. So I'm holding out in hopes that I won't get ticketed. Hell, even if I do, what's $10? On my way here I passed Roman right outside. He was smoking a cigarette in a foyer of the building. He's working upstairs now with a film production office. I'm really happy for him 'cause I know he totally digs that stuff. It was good to see him and say hello. He seemed happy to see me. It was good stuff!! I haven't walked away from a conversation smiling like that in months. It gave me a good feeling inside, like it always does, when I run into old friends that are always happy to see you. Nothing replaces it.
I'm feeling like a cigarette so I think I'm going to run outside for a smoke. Back momentarily. Maybe I'll be inspired while I'm there. Come to think of it...I realize, in order to be inspired you have to be open to it. You almost have to look for it. You have to be mindful and aware. I've never really considered this before...so perhaps this is a practice I can attempt to put into play to see what kind of results I get. Hmmmm...
Results of my observation? I think I think too much about what's going on. I need to simply observe more and analyze less. I fear sometimes that I think things to death, that I loose the feelings, the emotions attached to what I'm experiencing. This is important. For loss of feeling makes me numb and shallow. Yet thinking and feeling too much, makes me dramatic. So where is the balance? Where is the happy medium?
I'd like to say a few things about the Old City. Why I like it so. It's not a booming metropolis, and it's not a little one red light town either. It's just here, with a unique comfortable setting. I like being surrounded and nestled among the brick and concrete. Traffic isn't heavy so the city sounds aren't at all disturbing. Well, with the exception of the occasional train passing thru or the mack truck making it's deliveries and pick ups. Yet they usually come early in the day and are far and few in between.
The people vary from purple haired lesbians with back packs of their artistic expressions, black leathery bikers on Thursday nights showing off their crotch rockets, occasional bicyclist that probably live in the lofty and expensive apartments around here, to the occasionally employed, long haired, sparsely shaven musician playing his guitar on the sidewalk, smoking cheap cigarettes and peddling for a few dollars. The business here is hanging by a thread it seems, at times. A coffee house, a couple of bars...some shady, some simple, several ratty antique shops, and two or three dance clubs. Even the Rainbow Room that caters to the gay public.
Each building of business here has it's uniqueness. Large and spacious, wooded plank floors, large windows, high ceilings, brick interior walls...some imaginatively decorated for atmosphere and intricacy. The cigar shop has the distinctive smell of expensive imported cigars and tobacco, where you can sit in leather chairs and smoke your pipe while reading a magazine about various tobaccos and accessories. The Melting Pot is an eloquent restaurant, hidden in a downstairs basement, that offers the wonderful rare experience of fondue. A nice place to visit for a special occasion. Spicey's is an extremely large and spacious bar that has everything from a full bar, pool tables, games, a covered patio and occasional musical acts to boot. Their specialty? Buffalo wings, in all types of styles and zests, and a frequent lesbian crowd.
One of my favorite characteristics of this place is the brick laid entry from Gay Street. It runs by the club now known as Fiction. Java Old City, now closed for the moment, is a little coffee house that I've enjoyed for years, and even holds the responsibility to my addiction of coffee houses. It's set in an alley way of brick. The door is wooden paned French doors. The walls are brick and usually adorned with local art work. In the non smoking room there is a Renoir mural with a round brick window. The smoking room, my favorite, has a ceiling painted like stary night. One wall has doors and windows that go nowhere, and are merely there to give the seemingly effect of an old 40's city apartment building. There is various seating options that you can nestle into. Tables for students with books and notepads, couches and coffee tables for the intellectual conversationalists, and arm chairs with mosaic toped tables for the occasional book worm that desires comfort. I enjoy it for the regulars that frequent the place, and the atmosphere yields endless inspiration.
current mood:  refreshed
current music: The Sundays
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| Saturday, May 26th, 2001
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12:54 am - this dance has no rythem
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...work is going fairly well. i think i'm growing accustom to being back in the work force. the routine of things is seemingly paying off. i should be back to my ole self confident, feeling good self soon.
on another note however, i'm feeling juxtapolt. (maybe that's the right word) anyways, so i'm going thru with this so far...this trying to forget about the 'judy thing'. she does pennatrate my thoughts here and there, so i deliberately avoid things like pictures, bjork, corderoy, the phone...
part of me wonders...am i just playing a stupid game that i'll regret later...or was i just really hurt somehow and simply don't want to be put in that position again. right now i just can't deal with admitting she co-exhists in this world. i consider making the phone call or writing the e-mail, but what would i have to say?.........nothing......nothing that i would feel comfortable with or relieved about afterward.
yet i worry, what if i let too much time go by? what if i ruin it with not dealing with it? then i wonder, what would i be ruining and if i didn't ruin it, could i deal with what i get? right now...i can't (or choose not to) deal with any of it. maybe i owe her at least a request for time and space...
i just don't know...
i'm enjoying the time i have right now in my concious effort to ignore what's going on. i don't want to focus on it or dwell upon it....but still it probes at me, wanting resolution. i just feel....sad i guess. disappointed maybe, and that's my fault.
so why do i avoid her? maybe to deny to myself that it's my fault. i seem to do that a lot lately (in the last year and a half). it's an old tool that keeps me angry with myself.
i hate it...and i hate admitting my wrong....they both make me feel....worthless
i've tried doing the right things...and i end up trying to pull the wool over my own eyes...i always see thru myself and deny it until it blows up on me.............like this time.
but this time, it really matters. and i feel like i'm dancing out of rythem....
current mood:  sad
current music: Dave Mathews
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| Thursday, May 24th, 2001
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1:58 am - on second thought, and some sleep...
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ok...i think i could be over reacting here. i'd even suspect maybe i was holding you responsible for my stess. it has nothing to do with you i realize, but obviously it's too much for me to deal with and maintain whatever it is "i" feel this is we are maintaining. so i'm taking a step back...for myself and for you too. i don't want to destroy any bridges or any good that has come of us thus far. i feel that right now, all i'm capable of is juggling me. no need to bring you into it...when it has nothing to do with you.
perhaps my feelings where lagitament monday night, it still doesn't make sense how i chose to deal with it. it's un acceptable...to me. i truly want to be a better person, and i don't feel like i was doing that the last couple of days. so...understand, if you will, i just want time to myself to get things in order. i know you already suspected this and feel it neccessary...it's just i didn't consider it...and thus a problem. now i do...and i want to do the right thing.
...whatever that is...
current mood: stressed
current music: Janes Addiction - Jane Says
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| Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001
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12:07 am - i knew it in my bones...
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normally, i'd be pretty elated right now...but instead, i'm exhausted and totally pissed off. i made the trip to atlanta yesterday, specifically to see Judy. i drove back this morning so to be back in time to start my new job. so typically, a visit with Judy would have me over joyed...but the moment i arrived, pulled up into her drive, i felt something...the evening became a disaster
we went to see melissa ferreck at tower records. she played a little 4 song set. it was kewl...then we went to this burrito place...and from there...i started feeling weird. as the evening went along, i felt more and more...out of place. you see, it was judy, her friend annie, and later some more friends, and me. judy's been spending a lot of time with her new friend, but it's kewl and understandable since she leaves friday. what isn't kewl, was the 'vibe', the looks between them, the closer than friends closeness. i felt like, well, like shit, and stupid. i just wanted to leave, but judy talked me into staying...and now looking back on the rest of the night...i should have trusted my instincts...and left. i know i'm not getting into the real detail here...and it probably just sounds like childish jealousy. perhaps that is what it is...but regardless...i still feel...really hurt and abandoned.
so i don't think i'll be calling her...
hell, i always run away when things go wrong. it's just easier that way, and this time it's easy cause i didn't have to run far...i just had to drive home...3 hours away. maybe i'll regret it later...that i couldn't be strong and 'just friends', but it's my decission...and in some ways...i've felt better today...about myself and what i'm going to do with myself now....now that i don't feel comfortable considering judy.
is that horrible of me?
current mood: disappointed
current music: Ani Difranco-Reveling
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| Saturday, May 19th, 2001
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4:03 pm - my productive day of doing nothing
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My day is off to a slow start. I woke up this morning...ate a little something, checked e-mail, watched a creepy movie on TNT, armoraled my car, called the Temp Agency about my job? and went back to bed. I was a woken around 1600 by a phone call. It was wonderful Judy on the other end. What a pleasant surprise to hear her voice first thing after a quiet nap. Thing was, I had felt a comfort in the possibility that she might be napping at the same time as me. She had. She said she had waked 30 minutes prior, ran an errand, and called me thereafter. She was feeling a little upset...possible PMS, but basically sensitive and emotional. She was so tender and crying on the phone. I wanted so much to hold her and make her feel better. I gave her some soothing words of understanding and encouragement, which seemed to help a bit. She expressed to me that she wants me to come down next weekend. It's Jazz Fest, and Annie's last weekend in town. I was honored that she wanted to spend this time with me. It made me smile and glow inside. However, I don't believe I will be able to make it. I'm not sure that I will be working, and thus short of the fundage necessary to make the trip. I told her I'd try, but it's doubtful. She said she understands.
Being away from her is getting harder the closer we get to one another. Like today, I find myself quite down. When I consider what it is that I could do to make myself feel better I think about visiting friends or reading or writing or going for a drive in the mountains or working. Yet all these things are either unsatisfactory or unobtainable. So I resort to the usual. Coming here to the coffee house, sitting at my computer, playing card games, listening to Bjork, drinking espresso, smoking cigarettes, and eventually resolving to write in my journal. Usually I feel better after writing here. A sense of accomplishment comes and I realize what I have done so I don't feel so worthless. Yet sometimes, like today, I also realize what I haven't done, and thus feel lazy. I don't know that I'm necessary lazy, I just procrastinate a lot. An old habit that is seemingly impossible to break.
I talked with Sarah on the phone today. She was funny as hell! Apparently she is busy the next couple of days, so unable to hang out. I guess this is good in a way. It forces me to do things I should be doing, like going to see Amanda tonight like I said I would and cleaning the house tomorrow like I need to. I'm thinking of visiting my mom on Sunday. I really need to be near nature, I think, get out of the house before 1700 hours.
Even though I'm taking the Zoloft, I think I might be contradicting the effects with the alcohol I've been consuming. Perhaps I should make a list of goals for the next week, and better yet, fulfill them. That would give me a tangible sense of accomplishment. I was thinking of going to the university and getting some material for going to classes this fall. I could also see about getting a job until this collections thing goes thru. I'm thinking something that will give me hands on cash like pizza delivery. Regardless, I need to find work this week...doing whatever.
Shit, I just remembered. I think I'm supposed to help Jamie tomorrow work on his resume. Yeesh! It's going to be hell, but I guess we could make it fun and one hell of a journey to embark on.
You know? I think being in love is sometimes like depression. I mean this in the way that it overwhelms you so much that you don't want to do anything, unless of course it's with the person you are crazy about. Then you'll do anything. Gawd I miss Judy. It was hard enough being away from her in the Army, but there was a comfort in knowing I couldn't just up and go visiting. Now, I'm free, free to do anything and yet I can't do what I want because it's simply not reasonable. I just want to go to her, be with her, all the time. I'm so anxious to move to Atlanta. Now that I have a car, I'd have no problem finding work there. Yet the car isn't mine enough. I need to pay it off before I do something crazy like up and move back to Atlanta. I know that I could probably land a job that would pay for an apartment with a roommate. Yet I know I should try to be patient and wait. (BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT) GRRRR!
Fuck, this is frustrating and annoying. I'm just so excited and full of anticipation about my relationship with Judy. Maybe, like Judy, I'm just going through PMS and thus I'm feeling desperate and anxious. I must practice patience and good judgment. The standards I've set so far are good and I have to stand by them, have faith in my decisions to take my time. It's just so unfulfilling, and I suppose that's why they call my condition a chemical imbalance, my need for immediate satisfaction and a tendency to be impulsive. I must maintain keeping this journal. It's the only thing that will keep me within the lines I believe.
Later on...
I've been playing card games, listening to Bjork, and allowing myself to become suddenly inspired. Thus I have written a nice little poem. Of course inspired by thoughts of Judy Kay. She's so marvelous. I saw Kodie and Amanda here...they are good. There's also a lesbian down stairs. Totally a little cutie...looking for a femme it would seem, at least that would be my suspicion. It's not such a bad night to be here, lounging at the coffee house. Oh and the girl that works here said she saw me last night at IHOP. Kewl. I'm popular and getting noticed. ;-)
I'm totally digging Bjork's song with the Sugarcubes, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen". It depicts so well, I think, Judy's perspective on us, or at least our weekend. That's good stuff! I'm at least excited about it.
Okay, time for a little bit of music change. I'm thinking a little bit of techno, now that the caffeine is taking effect. My fingers are moving at lightning speed to keep up with my thoughts as I write here. Fabulous! Roller Coaster...my favorite.
Well, Damn, wouldn't that be the case. I just got my warning about battery power. Right when I have had a mood change. Oh well, I guess it's time to hit the road and see what Paul's up to. I'm going to see if David wants to go along with me to Amanda's dig. It should be a lot of fun, and she won't mind me bringing a cute single guy along. Hey, maybe I'm onto something here. he he!
current mood: stimmulated
current music: Roller Coaster (techno) and Bjork
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| Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
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7:26 pm - inevitably frozen with indecission
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Restless and angry I sit here. Drinking iced mocha and smoking cigarettes that were bought with money that will be overdrawn. I got up early today with melancholy expectation, ironed my clothes so as to be presentable, took my shower and conservatively brushed my hair…and for what? I leave the house just in time to arrive, on time. I sit in the strategically placed aqua chairs in the foyer, waiting to be escorted around by some mysterious person named Randy. Finally, he appears. He isn’t walking easily on his feet, almost as if he is sizing how to approach me. Suddenly I’m enlightened to the reasoning of my observation. He says, “We weren’t expecting you, apparently there’s been some miscommunication. We are waiting for a corporate decision regarding your position here. We have 4 out of 5 signatures. Training begins next Monday, so…we’ll be calling when we know more.” I just thought, hmm…what do you expect me to say? Yet the words that follow are the preprogrammed words, conditional of my upbringing, my passive aggressive mother, “Oh…that’s ok, I understand (but I really don’t), I’ll look forward to your call.” And I left. Now, it’s half a day later…and I’m worried…where will the money come from? What will I do next week, when my account is overdrawn and I need gas and coffee? Suffer I suppose. It really sucks thou…cause I was willing this morning to head off to this place…without a packed lunch and no money in my pocket. Willing to starve myself for 6 business days in restitution. So now what?
In the murkiness of my delusion, I made a stupid mistake. I called ‘the ex’. It was early, just after 1000. I knew she wouldn’t be up, but I called anyway. She blew me off…and I guess normally this wouldn’t matter, had it been a friend of mine, but it was her, and her reaction was what I expected, and it pissed me off!! So I drove around this town this afternoon…and when it crossed my mind what I did…I found relief and release in repeating her sue do name over and over: bitch bitch bitch bitch. Ah, much better.
I was feeling quite spontaneous when I left the house. I had formulated an entire plan in my head of getting into my car and driving off to the mountains in time to be back to meet Hope for coffee. Yet I thought about the rational of this and considered would it really satisfy me or just make me tired? Thus I resorted to the usual, getting coffee, listening to music, writing, and smoking cigarettes. Hence bringing up another issue. Where to go for coffee? At first I considered 11th street because I do have cash on me. Yet I remembered the nonsmoking indoors restriction and decided against it. This was also my reasoning against JFG down town, aka A Cup of Joe’s. So I calculated hours and figured,…well, 4 hours is an average writing time for me. Thus I resorted to Java Homberg. This way I won’t be driving all over town all afternoon long, spending quality time in the car instead of ‘working’.
Why do I call this working anyways? It’s not like it feels like work, it’s more like practice. I don’t get paid to do it, and I totally enjoy it too much. I guess it’s work in the sense of ‘working on me’, mental health work I guess. It’s quite likely that I’ll run out of battery power here shortly, which totally sucks. So I’m trying to accomplish as much as possible as I write along. Caffeine helps.
Speaking of caffeine, I think of coffee, thus I think of Judy Kay. I don’t guess I’m pissed with her, I’m more like disappointed with circumstance. I called her today, to tell her about the shit with The Associates this morning, and she says to me, “I just got on the phone with my friend Todd, can I call you back?” Todd…"that guy". I tried to rationalize it in remembering her own words. “I told him that if I had to pick between dating a girl or a boy, I guess I’d pick a girl.” Somehow, I feel that should give me some sort of comfort but it doesn’t make it go away…the sinking, not able to do anything about it feeling. This shit sucks!
So as I’m walking into Java Homberg, I’m reminded, well, even though I’m not doing anything, like I was back at Ft Rucker, at least I can do what I want to in all this free time. I mean, I don’t have to sit in a lonely barracks room, staring at the same dull screen everyday, sneaking around the system to have a cigarette, and never having an espresso. This gave me some degree of comfort.
Sometimes I wonder, have I ever been intriguing? I think so, but it was well before I was jaded. I feel like I’ve been thinking, focusing on the wrong things. I mean, where does Ani come up with this shizit I’m listening to? It’s like an endless ramble, a infinite supply of verbiage rattling thru the hollows. Maybe I smoked too much weed in my past. It never was a source of inspiration for me. It just made me less of an animal. Perhaps I’m not exposing myself enough, to stimuli, to new ideas and experiences. So where do I begin? I NEED ROUTINE!!!! And I need some spontaneity in my routine, reasonable spontaneity, but is real spontaneity reasonable?
I remember being excited…about life and the journeys I’d embark on. So interested and engaged…ready to learn whatever it was that life was going to teach me, take on whatever was to be thrown at me. Now…I take it in stride. What’s that about? I mean, why sit back and watch life go by…happen to me. Is it that in the past, any time I’ve contributed to the experience, I’ve felt left exhausted and miserated? That would just be a result of bad decisions. So to remedy this, instead of taking the path I’ve chosen now, not doing anything, I should gear my motivations to making more productive choices. Seems simple doesn’t, but I know it’s not really. I mean when you get ‘out there’ and into the mix, you get distracted. All the bright lights are dizzying and the easiest of decisions become overwhelming. It becomes difficult to ‘take it all in’ when there’s so much to consume. Fuck…and then you begin to see all the things you want which is harder than not wanting anything. It’s like masochist culture, purposely torturing yourself with what’s to be had and daring yourself to not go after it because it’s not feasible. Fuck me. Even Zoloft can’t solve this equasion.
current mood: irritated
current music: Ani DiFranco - fierce flawless
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10:32 am - my perfect weekend
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Originally written 13May01:
What a fantastic weekend! I'm now on the plane in Atlanta to Charlotte. Judy brought me to the airport and hung out with me until I boarded. I'm missing her already. I think I began to miss her the moment I got here.
So about the weekend:
I arrived Friday on time, about 1500 hours. As I exited the plane...I could see her across the way, standing against the wall, waiting for me. She was better than I expected, wearing her blue shirt...and her long light brown curls. She greeted me with wide open arms, a wonderful warm hung, and a surprising kiss. She loved the fact two Marines were sitting near by, watching on...especially since I was wearing my Army shirt. She's so silly. As we left, we didn't take the train thru the concourses, instead we walked...hand in hand. It was soooo wonderful to see her...I mean really see her. We started chatting away almost instantly. I had been nervous that we wouldn't know what to say to one another, but that quickly remedied it's self. We picked up my bags and headed to the parking garage.
We got to her condo in Decatur. Buddy, her orange Tabby, was there...and as awesome and enormous as ever. He's such a great cat. I met her temporary condo-mate Emma and her friend Kristi.
Later we met Josh for sushi at this little Japanese place. It had fabulous atmosphere...totally the big city feel to it. I had been to the same strip before for tacos once. So it wasn't a totally foreign place to me. That gave me some comfort. Josh is totally kewl. He's this gay friend of Judy's that she's know for about a year. They work together at a local coffee shop. He's so funny. He studies Industrial Engineering at the Atlanta Institute of Technology. I have only eaten sushi a couple of times before so it was a little foreign to me as to what to get. Plus it was so long ago. I'm still not sure what it was that I had, but it was good. Fortunately I also got the Fried Teriyaki Rice Ball, and that filled me up. The rest that I didn't eat was shared between Judy and Josh. I wasn't very talkative, but I felt comfortable regardless. I assumed it was that I was just either tired or brain fried from all the chaos of the week.
We left the restaurant and stood in the parking lot for about half an hour laughing, talking and smoking cigarettes. We then decided to go to Josh's apartment to hang out for a little while. While there I met Josh's roommates...Peter, a really quite guy, and well, I forget the other guys name. He was really funny and extroverted. We sat and chatted for a little while and then decided to head to a gay bar, Blake's, on 10th St. We were only staying briefly because Judy had to work the next morning at 0630 hours. Anyways...we had a lot of fun. I became more comfortable, liquid courage I assume. Judy and I drank Heineken, while Josh and his roomies drank extra dry Martinis. I had lots of fun performing my lesbian duties and lighting everyone's cigarettes for them. Judy seemed relatively comfortable with me. She held my hand or onto me most of the night. We laughed and had a great time. I was pleasantly surprised. The music was outstanding as well. There wasn't many lesbians about, but Judy said they're were more than usual. That was kewl. I did notice we got some looks...and I know we are just adorable together.
On the way home, Judy let me drive. Her Volvo is so easy to drive. She let me in on a little bit of information. Apparently I passed the 'Josh' test, and that's good stuff. He thinks I'm cute and really sweet. Yeah!!
That night, we got home kinda late...well like midnight...only late because Judy had to work so early the next morning. We laid in her bed laughing at Buddy and his indecision to either stay on the bed or to prowl the house like cats do in the middle of the night. Every time he'd jump up, Judy would just laugh...she's so silly. It felt so comforting and wonderful to just hold her close to me and feel her warmth. I probably felt more comfortable with her than I ever have. I just held her close and rubbed her tummy and her arms...she was comforted. She said it felt so good and I agreed. She kissed me a soft, tender kiss goodnight, and we slipped into sweet slumber.
The next morning, Saturday, came too soon. I was tempted to get up with her and go to the coffee shop with her, yet I could not motivate to do so. I'm actually impressed with her will power to get up and go. So she was off to work with lightning speed, and left Buddy and I to sleep the morning away. She brought the phone to the table next to me and said she'd call me later on in the morning. She did...I was awakened to her sweet voice. She and Josh were working together and having their crazy fun, as usual. That makes me smile happily for her.
She got home at about 1245 in the afternoon, I had only been awake for maybe an hour. I managed to get a shower before she arrived, so I sat contently on the couch playing on my battery (laptop) Simon watching the Fred Salvage movie Vice Versa until she arrived. When she got home, she greeted me with a big hug and tenderness. It was good to be with her again. She also brought me a mocca from the coffee house which I proceeded to spill down the front of my new Yellow shirt, specially purchased for the occasion. I was crushed, but Judy would soon be a heroine and save the shirt. She soon got a call from her friend Beth who was in the area and had apparently had a pen explode on her so she needed to stop by and wash her hands. When she hung up the phone, Judy commented that Beth was her first lesbian friend. That's kewl. I remember my first lesbian friend, Chris. So Beth arrives, and she's this cute little lesbian, about my age, pretty simple but very interesting and quite funny. I can see why Judy likes her so...she's easy to get to know and laugh with. She's from Virginia originally, and she came to Atlanta to study Philosophy at Emory University. She now works for a internet provider as a sales person. We decided to go and get some lunch at this little burrito place. It was totally fantastic! Huge burritos that are impossible to devour completely, but I gave it a full effort. Beth was fun to chat with and Judy was her silly charming self. Apparently when I went outside for a sec to have a cigarette, Beth asked, "So this is a good thing right?" Judy just said I suppose. So again, I was a success with another friend. (yeah me!) We left from there, in Beth's Honda Civic, complete with sunroof and CD player, and headed to Caribou to get penny rollers. While there, I stopped off at Supercuts for my trademark haircut, the one with the little spikies in the front. Judy totally loved it, especially when I fixed 'my' way later that night. Judy was making me laugh hysterically by pulling all the stuff in Beth's backseat and putting them into the front. It was simply unpredictable and random. Then we headed to CVX Pharmacy, where Judy purchased shampoo and Shout for my shirt, I got a camera for the party later that night. Beth caught our attention to come and see these singing birds. It was this crazy little electronic things, something like 'Billy Bass' only better I think. The best one was this woodpecker pecking on a tree stump, then another bird pops out and begins to sing Knock on Wood. We just laughed. (the next day, Judy's brother shows up with one for her mom for mother's day, I have to call and find out how she likes it and if she laughed like we did.)
As we retreated back to Judy's condo, we agreed on a nap before the party later that night. Judy's friend, Annie was throwing a huge graduation bash...actually a luau in celebration of her selling 2 prints to Elton John. Fabulous. So after the nap, we did a little bit of laundry and then got ready for the party. I was sportin' my now clean and stainless Yellow shirt and the baggy skater pants. Judy was cute as ever in yet another blue tank top, with a cute little sweater and some fitted pants. I realize now, I should have told her how great she looked. Next time.
So we arrived at the part around 2200 hours. It was really charming. The walkway to the back yard was lit with mason jars with little candles. There were little teakee torches lining the yard and at the entrance. The party was complete with a $3 cover for unlimited fruit punch drinks with a little spice and Leighs. My first encounter with Annie was well, shocking, and quite hysterical. She comes running up out of no where and gives Judy a big hug. I notice a sign on her back stating, "Ask me how to get leighed..." I found this surprising and a stroke of charismatic genius. Annie turns out to be a charming, funny, intellectual, and confident soul. I can see how she and Judy get along so well. Anyways, the party was a huge success, regardless that I knew all of one person there (Judy). The music was on the mark. Everything from Bjork to the Cure...even a little Lauren Hill. It certainly put my body into a little grove. Yeah! Judy and I were pretty much attached at the hip however we did do our own mingling about. What was really kewl was that I felt totally comfortable talking with the absolutely fab strangers. I met several of Judy's friends from 'last summer' and a few new people as well. We left around 0200 since Judy had to go to work the next morning, bright and early. On our way out, these cute little, well not so little, lesbian couple offered to take our picture with a miniature Polaroid camera. We agreed...it was a perfect picture. Judy holding on to me, me hugging up to her. Smiles were limitless this night. I drove us home in her Volvo. Judy mentions that all her friends adore me, with this I am pleased. (Ah, I just remembered something I asked her on the way to the party: I asked her, what is it you like about me? She says that I'm cute, sweet, a charmer (and that's a plus), and intelligent. I just wanted to know).
The next morning, Sunday, certainly came too soon. Judy was up and off to work. Buddy and I slept in. When I awoke, I was out on her back patio smoking a cigarette when she called with news. Apparently her brother, Nathan had came by her work and wanted to take her to lunch. As a result he was coming by the condo and thus I would be meeting him. I was a little, well okay, totally surprised, but not too intimidated. I remembered, hey he's my age, so no problem. So I hurried and showered before he arrived. Judy was to come soon there after, (and save me). Nathan gets there about 20 minutes before Judy, I'm just sitting on the couch coping music on my laptop, so I felt comfortable. We chatted a bit about me getting out of the army, the work he does, and mine as well. We got into a discussion about his wanting to be a minister and his religious views. As it turns out...we have A LOT in common!! It was almost creepy...and I realized, this must be why Judy likes me so. She's always talking about how much she adores her brother...and I'm basically his clone via personality. So Judy arrives, and we head to a Deli off Monroe for lunch. It was really good. I had the roast beef on hoagie bread. I actually ate all of it, to my surprise. In the car, the three of us just chatted along and laughed about nothing really in particular. When we got back to Judy's place, she showed her brother the picture we got taken the night before. I was thinking to myself, 'Well Judy, if you brother didn't already figure it out, then he certainly knows now about us being together.' Yet it was fine. He just commented it was a good picture. Whew!
So after he left, Judy and I decided to take a little nap before heading of f to the airport. As we were laying there...I had noticed Judy being a little distant, more so than before. Finally she says to me...I just don't want a girlfriend right now, there's just so much that goes with it. I understand this, but I admit, my heart sunk, but not devastated. I realized long before making this trip, that Judy would have walls, I didn't expect her to see me and want to suddenly have a relationship. I simply wanted to see her and enjoy her company. I know that in time, she will see the truth and depth of my love for her. She kept asking if I was ok, and I said I was, and I am. So after our little nap, and her shower, we went to have coffee off Peachtree, before heading to the airport. It was a neat little dive, very charismatic with little couches and chairs staggered about. It was a wide-open place with track lighting and mirrors here and there. Also, they offered Internet service there, so there were computers set up everywhere. We found the couch that seemed most appealing and had a seat. I had a hot mocca, and Judy had an Iced vanilla Latte with Soymilk. It was tasty. As we sat there, we finally began to talk, a little about the past and how the weekend had went. Judy says that she can't believe how wonderful the weekend was. She's like, 'nothing went wrong, it was perfect.' I know, I thought, and I felt a lot of peace because of this. She still has a lot of inhibitions because of our past and her walls are certainly high. I understand and expect this. I told her, that's ok, besides I'd be a little worried if she didn't have her walls considering our past. I told her that I expect this to take time, and that it's probably a good thing that I live away for now, so that we can take it slow and get to know one another before jumping into things. She agreed, but she wishes I lived there so we could run around the city together, getting into little adventures. I agree, but in time it can still be as such. She revealed to me how alone she felt when I had left the last time, going into the army. She so hated how I left...as did I. I felt so much guilt as she told me how it made her feel. I never want to make her feel that way again.
I did manage to tell her something totally honest. Something I haven't told anyone, and that I have even been reluctant to admit to myself. I told her how she was a strong motivation for me to get out of the Army. I saw talking to her as an opportunity to have something real and meaningful. I simply could not let this one pass me by. I mean, I haven't met someone that I've wanted something meaningful with in over 4 years. Thus, I manipulated my way out of the Army. She asked what do you mean you manipulated your way out. I explained, well I just made for sure that I got out and not just reclassed. I told her that she wasn't the sole reason, and she's not, however she was a contributing factor. She didn't say much about this, but I think she may realize how strongly she has influenced some of my recent choices.
Now, by this time, it was drawing close to time to head to the air port. So we walked out to the car, hand in hand, and I gave her a big warm hug. As we drove in her car, along the highway, the music playing loudly on her stereo, I felt so sad. I was beginning to realize, how much more I would miss her now, especially knowing even more what I would be missing, and how much fun we had had together. To my surprise, instead of just dropping me off, she parked and walked me in. I got my E ticket and checked my bag. We stepped outside for a moment to have a cigarette before going to the gate. Still chatting, laughing, and holding on to one another. It surprised me how comfortable I felt, for the first time ever, to be in public and holding my grrl. It was as if anyone else's opinion simply didn't not matter at all. And all I could see was Judy. It was a comforting feeling and I gained such security in hold her close. When we arrived at the gate, we sat there, clutching hands. As they began to board the plane, Judy's eyes filled with tears. I too felt compelled to cry, but I didn't. I always seem to be my strongest when I am most vulnerable. So I gave her one last hug, holding her so close and intensely. We kissed our sweet goodbyes and then we parted. I walked away feeling complete and confident in how the weekend had went, yet I felt I was leaving a part of me there with her. Thus, as I boarded the ramp, I did not look back, for I know, it wasn't goodbye...it was, see you later.
As soon as I got onto the plane...I began to write this. Once I got home, I called to let her know I got there ok. She was on the phone and sounded really sweet. I didn't keep her on the line, I told her I was on my way to bed and that I would call tomorrow. And thus, this was my wonderful weekend...better than I could have ever dreamed it to be. Thank you Judy...for wonderful adorable you!
current mood: complacent
current music: Jude- I Know
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