| 03:32pm 03/08/2004 | |||
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Right now I’m looking at two different less than ideal living situations for the next year, assuming I get in to graduate school right away. Either I’ll be staying here at my father’s in suburban New York or at my mother’s cabin in the Berkshires. After my last trip to the mountains, I was ready to leave, but the biggest obstacle was my mother. She shadowed me in the house and poked at my insecurities. Mothers are good at that. She’ll be gone by the end of August, though. Neither is perfect or even desirable. What I realize I need to do right now is pick one and stick with it for the year. Once I’ve settled into a rut-tine, time will move swiftly. Since my trip out West, I’ve decided I need to take some time to figure this out. I’m giving myself to the 13th to make a decision, with that weekend as a buffer zone. I wanted to list out the pros and cons, as much for me as you people reading this. Of course, your advice would be greatly appreciated. Berkshires: Pro: Place to myself (come September, for all but a few weekends) Beautiful area Easily available (non-immediate) family support (uncle, aunt, grandfather, too many cousins) I know an increasing number of people who are not quite as far West that I could conceivably meet up with (well, assuming ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040804222139im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} geekpixie and morgansong would want me to visit)I could probably get broadband. I would get free digital satellite. (only a pro since it’s nowhere) I could easily travel to Boston and NY and could maybe convince people to visit me once or twice. Ease in terms of car-related paperwork (change of address as opposed to change of state). Con: Physically isolated, with a high chance of snow-ins Work available would probably be of the retail variety Westchester: Pro: Greater variety of jobs available, although will probably end up being administrative or customer service I know the area more, at least how to get around. I know a few people in the area, although I haven’t seen them in years. I could do jiu-jitsu again. Con: Westchester makes me depressed. Living with my father may drive me crazy. I wouldn’t really have my own space. Other cons alluded to above. Things are almost equal. My heart keeps telling me I should try to make the Mountains work. My brain says Westchester is the right choice. I have some time. Both places have a limited chance of extending my social life, although the Berkshires may actually be better for that (or am I just telling myself that?) |
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| Indeed | ||||
| 01:41pm 02/08/2004 | ||||
There's so much I could write here, but I just want to be anonymous and small right now. |
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| 12:50pm 28/07/2004 | |||
| Mountain-bound, which will make me net-incommunicado. Personal update will come... later... if ever. | |||
| Obama | |||
| 10:20pm 27/07/2004 | |||
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If you ever wondered why I follow politics like I do, why I go out of my way to watch things like conventions, go watch Barack Obama's address. I used to cast the major parties as the party of fear and the party of no hope. Barack Obama defied the latter label. In the last few (four and a half or so) years I was contemplating the sad idea that America might just have a government as good and just as the American people. Barack Obama made me feel like we don't, but we can. Of course Ron Reagen, Jr. bored me, and I worry what this Teresa Heinz-Kerry speech will be like (why is so much focus placed on the spouses of politicians? well in this case, it's a billion dollars). Still, Obama was great. I look forward to voting for him in 4-16 years. |
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| 01:06pm 27/07/2004 | |||
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It's long, even with the partial cut. A personal/philosophical update is coming later today or tomorrow. I need a political icon, but I'll go with the blockhead one because right now it does feel like driving nails into my head: ( First, I suppose what I explain what I mean by North-Winger. ) The political buzzword of the moment is “optimistic”. Every politician will tell you that they are optimistic. They’re practically tripping over themselves to tell you how optimistic they are. They’re optimistic about the election. They’re optimistic about Iraq. They’re optimistic about the economy. They’re optimistic that people really want to hear this bullshit. Please, for the love of America, tell me why you’re optimistic. Why do you think the economy will get better and how you are going to help make it better? Why do you think our foreign situations are on the upswing and how are we going to accelerate the positive? Why do you think your candidate should win and how do you plan on encouraging me to vote for him/her/it? This is what I really want right now. I want the leadership to tell me why they should lead. You see, we’ve already established that I believe in the system and I’m naïve in that I want to vote for someone. In the last presidential election I reviewed all of the candidates who were on the ballot in all fifty states. Bush, Gore and Nader all insulted my intelligence far too much for my vote. The Libertarian seemed well intentioned but unrealistic. The various Christian Fundamentalist parties all seemed too Theocratic and Moralistic. Eventually I settled on John Hagelin of the Natural Law party. I disagreed with some of his policies, but I didn’t have to dig through a bunch of crap to get to them and he was honest. All things being equal, I’ll vote for honesty and transparency. So when the rumour was out that the Democrats were going to have a positive convention where they finally lay out why I should vote for John Kerry and not just why I shouldn’t vote for Bush, my interest was particularly piqued. I could watch the convention not just as a detached observer, but as someone who has voted in every election since I’ve been eligible but insists that the politicians earn my vote with more than partisan mudslinging. Yes, before the convention, I too was optimistic. I skipped Al Gore’s speech. I wanted to be awake for the rest of them. Besides, the man is the forefront of the greatest political blunder of recent memory. How could he, as the seated vice-president in an administration that had an approval rating in the eighties lose the election? (You might say that Bush didn’t win, and I wouldn’t argue, but Gore didn’t either. Nobody won that election, us included.) The more Gore separated himself from Clinton and surrounded himself with moralists like Lieberman, the more he was blowing a sure thing. Yet the entire time he stood their straight-backed as if he was the rightful heir and there would be no doubt. Gore may have had entitlement, as he seemed to think he did, but when he disowned the legacy he was a part of, he disowned the entitlement. What I was most excited for was Jimmy Carter. Carter’s belief that goodness and humanity could conquer all makes him a true inspiration (and probably made him a poor choice for President during a troubled time). Carter stood as the world-conscious elder statesman of the Democratic Party and delivered a hatchet speech. The political commentator in me marveled at how shrewd a move this was. Carter’s reputation gave legitimacy to his indictments of the presidency. The voter in me, as well as the admirer of Carter, bristled. Unlike other Carter speeches, I felt no more (wait for it) optimistic about the state of the world. Unlike in most cases, Jimmy Carter didn’t leave me thinking that we could change the world for the better by being better. He made me feel like I had to choose between bitter pills and that’s a pill I will never swallow again. I tuned out for a bit waiting for the Clintons. Well, I was waiting for Bill Clinton. I don’t have any love for Hillary. She is where she is because of who her husband is (and Giuliani’s cancer) and I think it’s a sad and dangerous trend to nominate and vote for people based on their familial lines. This goes for all parties on all levels. Sons and daughters of political figures need to tell me that they’re more than someone’s child, but a leader of calibre. Bill Clinton gave a hell of a speech. He always had. He also had good reason. Contrary to what the right end of politics say, he was out leader in a time of peace and prosperity. I enjoyed his speech but in the end, I was wondering the same thing I have been wondering so far all this year. It was another hatchet job and it told me why I shouldn’t vote for George W. Bush. It told me no more about why I should vote for John Kerry, other than he’s willing and ready to be President. Well no shit John Kerry is saying “send me”. He’s been saying that for over a year now. Please, on this national stage, tell me why I, as one of the 40% of registered voters who isn’t part of a political party, should send him anywhere but back to Martha’s Vineyard. This is my problem. I believe in our system too much to be subject to what it has become. The one time I bought in to it, I made a mistake. Of all the major elections I’ve been a part of (since 2000), I’ve only once voted for a Republican or Democrat. It was two years ago during the Massachusetts Gubernatorial Race. I was so taken in by the hatchet jobs that I voted Not Mitt Romney. I don’t even remember the name of the Democrat I voted for. I felt sick all day. I felt sick the next day when he won. However, since then Romney has earned my respect. Now, stay with me a minute, because I’m going to explain. Is he a perfect leader? No. Do I agree with him? No. Do I think he’s a good leader? Yes. Romney has dome some things that I agree with that go against the party line, including getting hybrid vehicles for the state fleet and getting rid of the SUVs. He’s done a few things for the environment, which makes me happy. I don’t always agree with him, but he makes me respect him when I don’t. The biggest example has been his attitude towards the legalization of gay marriage. Yes, he has gone forward and stated that he disagrees with it and I disagree with him. He also has done nothing underhanded to block it, something I wouldn’t expect. He tried to deal with the SJC, decried their decision, but he never tried to deny their authority, something others would have done. To the contrary, when gay marriage was going to be a reality he sent a letter to every town clerk telling them that if they were going to refuse to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples that they should step down. He disagreed, but as long as it was the law of the land, he was bound by it. That sold me on his character. As for the out-of-state law that people lay on his head, it was actually written in the SJC’s decision and not on the pro side. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t know that I’d vote for him in the next election because of this. I just feel upset that I was so taken in by the bullshit I couldn’t see straight. I don’t wish I had voted for him instead, either, but that I voted with my conscience at the time, not my bile, and voted for Kelly. I refuse to be taken in again and I will vote in every election as long as I am able. I will never vote against someone again. I will only vote for people or lodge a null ballot. Maybe voting null has little difference from not voting at all, but it’s better than voting than running for the nearest toilet. John Kerry has this week to convince me to vote for him, or I’m digging up the third parties again. The only wasted vote is the one you don’t respect in the morning. |
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| 03:20pm 23/07/2004 | |||
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The area around my father's apartment looks like God's waiting room. Nothing but geriatrics who think that Florida is too hot for them this time of year. Second guessing has set in again, although I realize that every move has been necessary. Yes, ideally I could've stayed in Boston another year before going elsewhere for grad school, but I never would've decided to go to grad school if I stayed. Worse, I would've stayed in the rut I felt I was in. Was it so bad? Not really. I loved my job. I had made enormous social strides. Still, I felt isolated and hated the overall culture. Then again, I've always felt isolated and always hated the overall culture. I wish I was more able to decide what it was I was looking for. And yes, leaving was necessary. As was leaving Portland. I have a plan of action I like. The problem is that it's going to take me some time to get it going. In the mean time, it's looking like I might be staying here in Westchester for a year. It might not be all that bad. There's got to be a temp agency in the area, or I could always get a retail job and volunteer in my spare time. New York City is right there and I know a few people. It's only for a year. I could maybe make this work. Still, my stomach is tied in knots. Between not being on my regular diet and stress, it's not happy. I'll figure this out. Second guessing what I've done isn't going to change that it happened. Ignoring the doubt won't make it go away either. |
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| lost in dreams, lost in direction, lost in space | |||
| 11:17am 21/07/2004 | |||
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I woke up mid-dream last night and didn't know where the hell I was. I may have dreamed this as well. I have a habit of dreaming that I'm waking up in the middle of the night. These sleep anxiety dreams started shortly after I moved into the place in Somerville. Regardless, there I was tired and baffled, slowly making out the lines of the bookcase above me and coming back to the realization that I'm in Westchester. So here I am and I just want to get on the road again. I want to keep driving with nowhere to go. Doers and thinkers say movin' is a closest thing to being free. I throw on Jimmy Rodges albums and think of riding the rails, but instead just raise my hand to turn off an overactive air conditioner. The higher ed admin track isn't my first choice in careers (though it is a close second). What I've really wanted, really felt right doing when I've done it, is be a minister/priest/rabbi/whatever. I've done it before, on a one-on-one basis, opening people to the possibility of divinity, helping them understand it, bringing it into their lives and their world. It's hard to explain. However, I remember taking career placement tests and them telling me that I'm more qualified for the position that those in the position see themselves. I have the skills and at least some of what might be called "the call". There's only one problem: I ascribe to no established faith. Even the Unitarian Universalists have decrees and dogma, and I wouldn't feel comfortable preaching them. I'd have to start my own church, find my own congregation. This might sound to you like I'm heading down the track of "suicide cult leader" but that's not the case. I don't want to be the object of worship or have the congregation see themselves in opposition to the world. While in Portland, Melanie said to me that she felt that there was a need out there for this: a church that wouldn't be The Church. Something that would appeal to a need for community and spirit for those who don't fit the established molds (in particular, the 20-somethings around us). She and a friend wanted to work on it, but had nowhere to start. So I'm not alone in this. Well, I didn't stay in Oregon, so I'm not starting my church there any time soon. But I started to think, could I do that? Could I have something to say every week? To this end, once I get settled, I will set out to find out. A writing exercise I may or may not post as well as a way to get myself back to pondering existence to the degree I did in high school and college. I may post them here. I may not. If I do, it will likely be filtered. |
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| an update | |||
| 03:09pm 19/07/2004 | |||
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I am in New York. My father’s apartment to be exact. Being unemployed, homeless, away from everything I know and, for all intents and purposes, with little possessions gave me a lot of perspective on my life. Perspective has been what was lacking. I realized that Portland would’ve been more of a step back than I really wanted. I would’ve been starting over completely from scratch. The trip made me realize that there is a way I can take a step forward and that means biting the bullet and heading back to school. This was a hard realization for me because I never liked the bullshit of academia and it means I’m much more career-bound than I ever figured. The latter shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, though, since even in college I felt that I wanted to work in student life. My post-college floundering lead me right into it and for the last year and a half, I have really enjoyed it. Being that there’s a much greater concentration of colleges (and specifically non-Catholic colleges) in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic, being here makes a lot more sense. Of course, I’ve missed the application deadlines for this fall and need to figure out what to do for the next year. Mike has space in his place and knows of a temp agency. I’ll be heading there soon to consider the option up-close. I thought about maybe doing City Year, but the website tells me I’m too old. I’ve not been too old for anything in a while and I’m not sure that bothers me. Some might be thinking that I’m thinking that I’ve made a mistake or two in the process. I haven’t. Leaving Boston was necessary and I don’t question that. Without going cross-country, I would never have realized the things that I have, including many that I haven’t posted here. These were both necessary and correct decisions at the place and time I made them. I can’t say that there are any major mistakes in my life since I can always look at the options before me at the time I made the choice and fully understand why I made them. Moving to Boston wasn’t a mistake, although in the long term I wouldn’t like it there. Moving in to my own apartment wasn’t a mistake, although I’ve come to realize that living alone exacerbated the negatives. When I almost enrolled in library school so I’d have a reason to quit my job at Berklee, that would’ve been a mistake. Similarly, staying in Portland because I had already driven that far, that probably would’ve been a mistake as well. There aren’t even minor things that I can point to and call a mistake. I don’t make mistakes and at worst I learn lessons. I can remember my old art teacher in high school stating aphorisms along those lines and think he’d agree and be proud. (I learned more about life in the art room than I did in any other classroom in high school.) So now there is the question of the short term. Where do I go to prepare applications for the next year? This time I’m not just going to dive in head first. Ask me questions, about my drive, about my stay, about my decision. Making me think is always appreciated, especially now. |
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| 02:50pm 15/07/2004 | |||
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I am in Madison, WI, at chilimuffin's once again. Catching up on sleep, e-mail, the web, doing laundry. Etc. AIM express isn't working, so my planned IM'ing is done. I thought I wanted to type more, but I don't. I'm still tired and spacey. Maybe when I get to my father's I'll write up the full-on explanation of why I turned around, why I had to travel to far to come to these decisions. I want to do it, but feel it warrants me being with fuller faculties than I am today. Still, consider yourselves updated. |
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| 02:50pm 15/07/2004 | |||
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I am in Madison, WI, at chilimuffin's once again. Catching up on sleep, e-mail, the web, doing laundry. Etc. AIM express isn't working, so my planned IM'ing is done. I thought I wanted to type more, but I don't. I'm still tired and spacey. Maybe when I get to my father's I'll write up the full-on explanation of why I turned around, why I had to travel to far to come to these decisions. I want to do it, but feel it warrants me being with fuller faculties than I am today. Still, consider yourselves updated. |
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| 12:13pm 11/07/2004 | |||
| I think that, among other things, I need to detox for a while. | |||
| 12:08am 10/07/2004 | |||
| I'd just like to say that, in the light of "The Day After Tomorrow", any Hollywood Blockbuster I may have previously referred to as overblown looks remarkably well written and not overly dramatic. | |||
| 03:51pm 06/07/2004 | |||
From the book I'm reading (Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World):
The author goes on to discuss the religious tolerance within the Mongol empire at the time compared to the rest of the world. (Mongke was most likely a Christian himself, at the very least his wives were.) However this passage really helped make sense of my fascination with the Mongolian Empire. Were I the grand ruler of the world, I'd arrange such debates myself, possibly with myself as a participant. |
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| 11:51am 06/07/2004 | |||
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I'm still sleeping in Melanie's living room. It's frustrating. I've told a few people that I'd like to take the room in their house, only to find out they're not interested when I see the ad reposted on Craigslist. I'm not so much upset at not being chosen as I am not being told. Even just a quick e-mail would do. There's one possibilty that's a little more than I was hoping to pay (although less than originally budgeted for the move) but comes with a very large room and a private bathroom. In the end, I may just be a lot happier with more private space. It's not available until late July, but then again the only things open now are places with cats, looking for female or employed roommates, people who don't "suck" (talk about a welcoming ad) or my favorite "we are an open-minded household, no Christians or Republicans". Now, I'm neither Christian nor Republican, but I really hate open-minded people who aren't. There was already one place that I didn't feel comfortable in because of the self-righteousness of the household. In the end, this whole situation really, really sucks. I keep wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Although, I'm pretty sure it's just a panic reaction. Still, a part of me wants to do what I used to do in Boston when I needed time to reconsider: head for the Berkshires. The Berkshires are a long, long way away now. That might be the scariest thing. |
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| 07:13pm 04/07/2004 | |||
| I picked one hell of a weekend to be sick. | |||
| 11:35am 03/07/2004 | |||
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With my host gone and my other local friend working weekend evenings, I spent last night alone. I felt upset at first but at 9:30 that stopped. This was my first evening alone since touching down in PDX and I needed some time to collect my thoughts. They were all doubts, but also a realization that this is early in the game and nothing is tieing me to anything yet. Besides, I already have one show offer. That's as many as I had in Boston with nowhere near as much effort in getting it. Meanwhile, I am eager to get on the sword ladder again. I can't wait to unpack. One thing that did occur to me is that living in a city just might not be right for me. I want a private compound with goats, not a roomshare. I just have this notion that this is where I have to be to be with people. I should become a crazy hermit living up on a mountain, imparting wisdom and food to wayward travelers. Is there a goth bar in this town? I'm not the type who hangs out in goth bars, but I fell a whole lot better knowing where they are. I've always been a goth-adjunct, it seems. The older I get, the less I feel like a rocker, the more I get impatient at the arrogance of the hippies and the more I appreciate the Smiths. Lastly, I'd just like to say that I'm really happy that Alejandro Escovedo is out of the hospital and touring. I wish he'd play somewhere I could see him. I just realized that when I selected the 80 cds to bring with me on this trip, I picked more Escovedo than anyone else and I'm upset that I didn't bring more. |
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| 01:00pm 28/06/2004 | |||
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Just laying easy today. I think I need it. I'll lay easier with my own bed. (If none of you make a lay-easy, easy-lay joke, I'll wonder how y'all got to be my friends. Hell, I have specific punchlines expected from a couple of you.) I'll be meeting a potential landlord this afternoon. It's the place I want; out of the ones I've seen, anyway. The room's a little small, but the house is nice and felt very inviting. Still tense. Having a space of my own will help that. Although I've enjoyed living with my friend out here; outside of the self-consciousness of being in someone else's space anyway. |
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| 09:40am 26/06/2004 | |||
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A beautiful Saturday morning to you all. The natural light in this living room makes it hard for one to sleep in on a half-hungover morning, but I got some air, drank some sweet morning nectar and I'm feeling pretty good for not-yet-ten. (Don't think I'm anything but greatful for having a living room to sleep in right now.) Some quick notes: The Lord Buckley bio I'm reading has gotten to the good part: a broke Lord scamming his way into Hollywood Mansion homes, throwing parties where A-list celebs like the rat pack show up (except for Dean, who was probably intimidated), holding court as the founder of the Church of the Living Swing. It's still half-formed and poorly conceived as writing, but this is the fascinating part. During my lay-over in Western MA, where I had access to digital sattellite, I discovered the Game Show Network. Not only is it great mindless TV because, well, it's all game shows, but I discovered what could've become my new favorite TV show: Friend or Foe. The concept and details of the show are unimportant, all you need to know is that it's hosted by Kennedy. Yes, KENNEDY! That just made me so happy. I still love Kennedy. I want to make out with her while that bee girl song plays. Yeah, I'm so ready for mid-90's retro to come about. I'm a hypocrite. |
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| 10:34am 24/06/2004 | |||
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Now panic sets in. I had something to keep me busy for the last few days, a task to think about (staying on the road and whatnot). Today, I woke up and immediately began wondering, "what now?" When I moved to Waltham, I had a place ready to stay. I have a bed here with a friend, but it's a short-term situation. I'm not moving into her hutch. I'm looking at places with strangers and freaking out. What if I move in with someone sketchy? What if _I'm_ the sketchy one after not having a roommate? I worry about getting a job (although I'm looking at a very nice admissions job at PSU right now), which I didn't worry about when I moved to Waltham. I worry about meeting people, since this is the ostensible reason I moved out here. I never was good at it. The fact that I don't have contact info for one of my friends here and he's been incommunicado via the net makes me nervous. I worry if I'm in the wrong city, too, which I'll worry about wherever I end up. Maybe I should've gone to Seattle? Maybe I should've stayed in Madison? (Although, while I like Alexis a lot and am always happy to spend time with her, I've never liked Madison more than enough for a visit.) I'm still happy to be here, don't get me wrong, but I'm feeling remarkably unsettled. To some degree, driving around was better than standing still. Maybe I can run off and join the circus. One thing I can definitely say, with all this travel, is that it's nice seeing friends again. It's so nice to be able to say "good night" and "good morning" without leaving where I was staying. I'll be fine, I think. I'm just not used to this. |
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| 02:48pm 23/06/2004 | |||
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Portland, I am there. There will be no road stories, sorry. I'm done driving, I'm not up for reliving it just yet. -Dan |
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enmascarado Second Teller at Hell Bank |
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Cohorts Bio Dates |
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| Time Controls: | ||
| Regress into history. | ||