Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Homer Simpson Doesn't Live Here Anymore's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, August 28th, 2004
9:59 am	Frozen and clear. Not unlike myself. Yesterday evening I was reminded how well vodka goes with everything.  Lime.  Cola.  Misery. I try *not* to think about this stuff but, really, that's like inviting it in with a trumpet fanfare and a Vegas lightshow. It's very hard not to think about it when I have no distractions.  I wasn't entertaining any false hope that it would get easier for me after I did what amounts to the right thing (though not for me), but I despair of the fact that it's actually getting worse. Friday evening, the start of the three day bank-holiday weekend and I have nothing to do and no-one to be with and vile domestic responsibilities (whilst I'm still here; and unless i can get a 'proper' job and some cash asap I can see this bed-settee being my burial place, unless karen doesn't just turf me out as is her right...) and a frigging brutal MIND that will NOT afford me ANY rest whatsoever.  My imagination works wonders, when it comes to things I'd rather not concern myself with.  My memory is faultless, when it comes to things I'd rather bury, to spare myself.  It's the only part of me that functions well, but in all the wrong arenas.  It's the whip I beat myself with.  And not in the fun sense either...  So out of the freezer comes the vodka and to follow the Beeblebrox Dictat; This is a VERY big drink... Not stupid enough to make myself ill.  And it didn't give me any protection.  Skinned alive and rolled in salt there is no protection. Despair. --- ( And why -quote- work -unquote- is just great too.. ) Current Mood: kill me now (2 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Thursday, August 26th, 2004
10:46 pm	( This evening ) Current Mood: considering this is the second bottle I'm stone cold sober.. fuck. Current Music: my heart from now is a private road/no through traffic/no heavy-load (deal from the bottom)
Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
12:17 am	From the rooftops... Me.  Barcelona. Gaudi's Casa Mila.  Saturday 14th August 2004.  My fortieth birthday.  I am holding a hat. Current Mood: Panned and Scanned Current Music: Terrorvision - Tequila (seemed appropriate...) (5 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Saturday, August 21st, 2004
6:55 pm	Late reply to ibid Ouch. I'm very sorry Louise. I don't have arthritis, I'm kinda borderline.  I certainly didn't develop my condition as young as you.  Ain't genetics wonderful? It can't be easy.  And I know advice from other people is always about as welcome as a bucket of wet fish over the head as an alarm call.  All that 'Lose weight - it'll spare you knees..' stuff may well be true but they're not the ones having to alter their entire regimen to achieve that end.  And different people respond in different ways to different metabolic changes.  For instance you wouldn't want to cut out the stuff that's anti-arthritic... My own condition is called Ankylosing Spondilitis.  I've had it since my late twenties but it wasn't actually diagnosed until mid 1999 (oh such a good year for me..).  After years of complaining to doctors, one of which happily told me I was making it up.  AS can be an utter bastard and cause one to be a serious hunchback before thirty (it's confined to men I believe..) but that's absolutely worst case.  My version is very 'mild'.  Tis not so deep as a well nor so wide as a church gate..  Marry - tis enough! to misquote Mercutio. The way it works is by having an inflamatory effect on bone joints and plates.  The worst case is where the vertebrae grow bone spurs through excessive calcium take-up (as a reaction to the inflammation) and FUSE together.  So one can end up bent permanently or unbending permanently.  Operations don't help because afterwards the bone spurs just grow back; it's a genetic trigger. My special flavour is that the contact points between the plates in my pelvis inflame and I cannot walk when it gets very bad.  This hasn't happened for two years. I now firmly believe that everything is holistic and feeling better generally the past six months has kept the worst effects (of everything) at bay.  This is kinda corroborated by the fact that since I've been feeling like shit emotionally the past two months (over you know what) my back has started to twinge, my hayfever has flared after a COMPLETELY sneeze free Summer, and other physical problems are manifesting.  Stuff that hasn't bothered me since before February... I do not expect you to take that as meaning 'maybe this is a sign of something else' but I know life has been a tad shit for you too recently and I was wondering if your general mood was negative?  Even subconsciously. Anyway I have the affinity of being able to crack my knuckles loudly (and other joints when I really don't want them to).  Occasionally one of my knees will fail when I'm doing something and down I go.  It's worrying; cold weather doesn't do me any favours.  My bone density is shit and I have to take Calcium and vitamin D every day or risk osteoporosis (which I have been told I will develop if I don't take the supplements).  My knees are a symphony of clicks whenever I climb any stairs.  They don't hurt but the noises they make are SO WRONG.  The worst though is my left elbow (the one I destroyed when I was a child of eight) which, when it doesn't click, makes SQUISHY noises as it resolutely refuses to go back in when I throw it out.  "Ick!" doesn't cover it. However, this is, I realise, peanuts compared to some things that some people have to live, and cope much better, with - though maybe with better support structures - fmeh.. - and it's like as not not even close to your problems either.  I think, with the greatest respect for your own decisions, that you need to take better care of yourself and heed the twinges and so on when they occur.  (Whenever I get one I'm forced to take one of these filthy Vioxx high-end anti-inflammatories - nasty shit I wouldn't touch otherwise.)  But nonetheless I sincerely hope your own current skeletal dysfunction eases dramatically and yesterday. We are a flawed species, as a design.  Roll on nanotech. And  I know you prefer to keep your LJ light and/or subjective but you must never feel constrained by not wanting to sound miserable.  Christ, if I did that there'd be no killtest journal  ("Hurrah!"  they all cheer as one...). Current Mood: Not getting any better - so what... Current Music: Actually this entirely uncool collection of The Cars cheesy eighties softrock.. (6 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Friday, August 20th, 2004
11:47 am	This is ridiculous... On wednesday I missed the one social-group meeting I'm involved with at the moment. I had a freebie ticket to a preview screening of a very cool French film [Jeux D'enfants (Love Me If You Dare) http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0364517/ - seriously recommended] and really didn't want to miss it. It was for two people. I didn't have anyone to go with me. On Saturday - tomorrow - at 12:00 noon, I have another French freebie preview screening. This time for Stupeur Et Tremblements (Fear & Trembling : http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0318725/ ). Once again I have a two person pass and no-one to take. This is ludicrous. Gah! Current Mood: Frustration Central Casting Current Music: The Pretenders: I'll Stand By You going around my head... (3 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Monday, August 16th, 2004
1:13 am	There And Back Again ( Back In London ) Current Mood: Very tired. Very badly blistered feet. Here Current Music: washing machine... (3 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Friday, August 13th, 2004
6:23 pm	It´s Friday The Thirteenth of August 2004 My last day of 39. I am in Barcelona. Where are you? That is all. Current Mood: Unsure... Current Music: Catalan hotel musak (12 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
8:05 pm	Fear can stop you loving/love can stop your fear ..but it's not always that clear Today you're safe Tomorrow who knows? Guarantees are Fools Gold 34 turns to 43 See my mistakes Don't become me. -- Storm (detail), Curve I almost added to this. But there wasn't really any point. How many ways can I say the same thing?  Here is where I have found myself.  The following is not easy. It just is. Anyone who can be arsed.. thank you for your indulgence I appreciate your time. ( The poor-me-sob-story. It's quite long. May wish to skip it... ) Current Mood: Well, lets's see... Current Music: that's the price that we all pay/a valued destiny comes to nothing (2 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
7:55 pm	Play for Today ( Fmeh... ) Current Mood: Ask me when you've read the next thing... Current Music: See above/below (2 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Monday, August 2nd, 2004
8:09 pm	Weekending/Weekbeginning ( Glasses. Old friends. Things that must be done. ) Current Mood: Considering that I've been dreading these few days, I'm OK. So far... Current Music: take something bad/and make it into something good (2 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
11:22 pm	Burk Snivelled my way home on the tube this evening, after walking around Soho and killing a half hour trying to figure out this new 3g phone* in The Glasshouse Stores (pub) in Brewer Street.  Some of the pathos in Wilde is a tad too apposite to my mindset.  Reading the hollow longing of The Canterville Ghost - in the story of the same name - for some peace/redemption cranked the waterworks right up.  Wilde paints a vivid picture.  Train was practically empty, but I just didn't give a shit really.  Could've been a cattletruck.  Don't care if they see me cry now, I never could before.  These strangers can't touch me.  There's too much else that already does. Been writing other things a lot of late.  On paper.  Nearly filled a whole fucking notebook.  I keep it with me because I can't stop thinking about it.  So when I find the words I stop what I'm doing right then and lay it all out in black ink.  Good thing where I'm temping is so casual about what I do (I'm left alone to the point of isolation).  Anyway.  That's for a little way off yet.  I have to throw much of it aside and edit the rest into something coherent before I post it.  Oh, it won't be the closure that I'm never going to get, but it will be something at least.  But not catharsis.  I don't get to have that. *No, I dodn't wish to know the news headlines or see where I am on a GPS map whilst editing an MP4 and sending the photo I just took as an e-mail... I would however like to make a phone call.  Is there a reason why that basic function isn't the easiest option on the forty seven menus this thing seems to have...? Current Mood: Resigned. Current Music: Paul Haig (copying sound files to burn a CD for Felicity) (1 bottom dealer | deal from the bottom)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
7:52 pm	Small Things of Tangible Pleasure This is a copy of the previous post but rather than a link to someone else's journal I thought I'd approach it properly; and frame it, as it were.  Thank you to tama_grey for the distraction and minor preoccupation just when I need it. Small Things Of Tangible Pleasure A list.  No less than five.  No more than fifteen.  And not in any special order.  Things that make you happy.  Little but definite pleasures.  These minor redemptions cannot be a person, nor a place or an emotion.  Not other people's things.  Not Money.  Nothing big, overly significant.  Simply the little things that define the details of your existence without dominating it.  The casually pleasing.  That which any of us could acquire with ease, without prejudice.  And of course, that which none of us are expected to cling to the next time we make the list... You do it like this; here's my list.  And to prove that all rules are flexible my first is a person, though not a human - and here included under the wider aegis of "cats". 1. Willow, a very small, deformed, affectionate, fluffy cat. 2. Manzanilla, a form of dry sherry from only one part of Xerez. 3. Boots 24 Sensitive, unperfumed anti-perspirant deoderant. 4. Tesco's Pink Grapefruit glycerin 'Wake Up' soap. 5. Stay (Far away, so close) - U2. 6. Badges (Buttons in the US, round things with pins on the back - I don't tend to wear them (anymore) but I have three entire wall hangings covered in them. 7. Raspberries. 8. Lilies (or heavily scented Roses). Flowers generally but PARTICULARLY those. 9. Music I haven't heard yet. 10. Stationery.  Cool gel pens and decent funky papers and stuff! (Dammit!) 11. Iain Banks Culture novels. 12. Handcuffs. 13. Meals someone else cooked for me (not bought in a cafe or suchlike). 14. A damn good cup of tea. 15. TAKING A  LONG, HOT BATH (I hate my shower) Please feel free to copy the criteria - and post your own Small Things Of Tangible Pleasure - into your own journal. Current Mood: doing my best, you know? Current Music: we always have a choice/or at least i think we do/we can always use our voice/i thought this to be t (6 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
12:40 am	In lieu of an actual post and until I can relent in this bloody moping... Small Things of Tangible Pleasure Current Mood: ..usual shite.., sorry.. (idiot idiot idiot) Current Music: Turing Machine (in my head) (deal from the bottom)
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
1:35 pm	Just a fool I need to write, I need to talk. But I feel so constricted, constipated by how upset I feel at the moment. This down is not levelling off. Normally I can get through these troughs but this one is several weeks old and I'm worried about it. The specifics of why are known pretty much but the knowledge doesn't help me work against it. As I said a little while ago. I have not been THIS badly affected since before they put me on the fucking fluoxetine (prozac) years ago. This is killing me. This is fucking killing me. Incremental death of personality. I'd rather somebody just used a gun. I have two things in particular to face within the next three weeks, that are preying on my mind like vultures on the still-conscious wreck of a veldt animal. they're not the only issues but they're the significant ones. And I don't get to articulate about them - strike that; TRY to articulate about them - until afterwards. Wednesday evening was genuinely pleasant. The group meeting at Coffee, Cake & Kink in Endell Street went well for all concerned I think. It's nice to socialise again, but I still have to face everything else and my confidence issues are eating me alive as well. Wednesday night however was awful. Two hours sleep. Car alarm, foxes fighting outside and The. Fucking. Dreams. Worst yet. Because she was being nice to me in this one. And then I woke up. There's that AWFUL few seconds at the point after waking straight from a dream of that intensity before you re-engage the reality gears and pow! Nice one. No more sleep that night. I dread waking up. I dread going to sleep. Not a lot of room for manoeuvre there.. :o/ I am such a git. But that doesn't make it any less appalling that I have to be so unhappy all the time. When is my time? I can't seem to find it. And I have tried so very hard. I did everything I was supposed to. And I'm moving backwards instead. Something's wrong. In my life.. something fell. I didn't see it. I just felt it. Against myself I have no defence. No defence. Nothing. There is a hole where I was supposed to be. It has my shape. It has my name. It even sounds like me. And it even continues to make my apparent endless litany of mistakes. But it can't be me. Because I can no longer find myself. Current Mood: Hollow Current Music: recoil - edge to life; inside my head over and over..) (3 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
10:54 pm	Raw... There is a fuck-off powerful thunderstorm going on outside my window as i type.  It's the best thing that's happened to me this rotten week, which i may write about later..  Maybe. But I love storms...thunderstorms. The louder and more aggressive the better.  The opposite of my people preferences really.  I'm going out to get wet now... (2 bottom dealers | deal from the bottom)
Monday, July 19th, 2004
11:13 pm	(No) Rest/Purple People Eater ( Purples ) Current Mood: fed up, but trying. (very trying..) Current Music: goodbye life/goodbye soul/goodbye party it's time to go/the beat it stopped an hour ago (deal from the bottom)
8:09 pm	Chiaroscuro ( Colour ) Current Mood: Not great. But better than it was. Surviving. Current Music: Willow the cat curled up on my lap PURRRING while I type. (deal from the bottom)
Sunday, July 18th, 2004
10:30 pm	handrejka was asking about Jordan and well... Current Mood: almost amused, which is good.. Current Music: Curve, always Curve, weeks of Curve... (1 bottom dealer | deal from the bottom)
7:45 pm	Third Time Lucky For tama_grey ( OK, it's a little over a week later... ) Current Mood: ...blivitz.. Current Music: Well it was LBC (radio) but I can only tolerate so much Lionel Ritchie once a day.. (1 bottom dealer | deal from the bottom)
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
3:30 pm	Workplace Isolation OK, here's the thing.. I'm sitting in a venture capitalists big open plan office and I'm completely alone. It's about three thirty PM and the entire firm has buggered off to a day at Epsom Races. Leaving me - a TEMP - alone in space that contains more confidential information than an insider dealer could beat his granny to death with. Not to mention personal items in desks, on desks, clothing.. Or their fucking MAINFRAME not ten feet from where I am. With it's vast database and christ knows how much net worth in info stored there-on. Now whilst I appreciate the trust this implies I am a tad concerned that should anything actually go wrong whilst I'm here alone it does kinda create a rather obvious frame. So if the server spontaneously went kaboom whilst I was sat here I could just imagine it tomorrow. 'Well it's never done that before and you were the only one here...' Lovely. Frankly it's not good practise. I NEVER placed any of my temps in a position of inappropriate responsibility when I used to have care of them and I bet my agency wouldn't be too pleased either. Liability issues. However I can't afford to lose the cash, not even from a couple of hours, so I'm staying until I normally would. They actually apologised for leaving me slaving away, as they put it, whilst they headed off to their hire coach with two cases of Veuve Cliquot (didn't even slip me a bottle, }snuffle{) 'Leave when you're ready..' Actually there is one other person on the floor, but not in the main part with me. There's a poor temp receptionist who's been brought in to cover the phones for the rest of the afternoon. But either way neither of us is in sight or sound of the other. Meanwhile in other news I picked up Will Self's reworking of Wilde's parable novel in Bookcase at dinnertime. They had the hardback of Dorian for a fiver so I grabbed it whilst I could. As I'm reading my way through the Oscar Wilde canon at the moment it seemed a good piece of timing and I don't believe in co-incidence. Hopefully I'll be back online this evening. Assuming the place doesn't burn down and I end up done like a kipper (guv). :o) Current Mood: the 'concerned/fuck-it' swing Current Music: completely silent office except for the AC (deal from the bottom)