When I'm bored, I tend to go straight for the Photoshop - I spend a lot of time working on things for my websites and so forth. But today the Icon Muse tapped me on the shoulder with his rum and Coke and said, "Here, try this."

So...since I couldn't find anything Full Metal Panic! for you at AnimeBoston, officerchuck21, I made these.

( FMP Inside )

Also, I'm working on getting Fumoffu. Eps. 2 is finished downloading, but Eps. 1 didn't have any seeds last time I looked.

I am...: bored

It drives me nuts that every time Keean makes any kind of plan, it goes from being an hour or two long, to taking up his entire day and probably part of the night. It's not fair that he thinks he can go "play basketball" and not end up coming home until midnight after hanging out and drinking with his friends in Colchester.

Yeah, I'm unreasonably pissed off about this, but he does it all the time, and I just keep getting left at home, half the time not knowing where he is at all. I never know what's going on, and I'm tired of it.

Especially since he keeps dragging my friends with him.

I'm tired of trying to find one of my friends when Keean isn't around, and not being able to because he's out with them all. I'm tired of hearing everything about my friends through Keean. I feel like I'm losing them all, to my own boyfriend.

And it's unreasonable and probably all in my head, but it still hurts, and I don't know what I need to change in my head to make it stop.

I am...: Unreasonably Moody

Once all the anger is gone, all that's left is empty tiredness.

I'm glad school is over as of tomorrow, because I just don't have any energy left to dedicate to it. I'm done, burnt out, looking forward way too much to having a couple of months off, where I can hang out, and get a job, and just try to scrape things back together.

I don't want to fight with Keean anymore. That's not what being in a relationship is about, but I've been so stressed out about life in general, that all I've been doing lately is snapping at him. And, well, everyone else.

I need this summer vacation. I think everyone else does too.

I am...: moody

It seems that spring has finally arrived. I'm sitting in a humid, overly-warm M:TG store, with a bunch of sweaty, smelly geeks, instead of being home, happily hanging out in my not-nearly-as-warm back room, having a nice dinner that I made and watching some quality something or other, on the TV that Steve and his family is passing on to us.

This makes me sad. I wanna go home, but since that's not an option until around nine tonight, I guess I'll rant about AnimeBoston instead.

( AnimeBoston Inside )

Classes end soon, which makes me happy. I want web design over with, as I hate the teacher and hate the class and hate Patrice who just keeps cornering me. I'm going to miss Geography, though, because I love the teacher. He just rocks so much.

All right, I'm going to go and mope for awile, in the hopes that I can make Keean feel bad enough that we can go home early.

Oh! I updated my website with a new layout, let me know what you think! Especially if you're using a browser that isn't FireFox or IE6, as I'd like to know how compatible it is with various browsers. Thanks.

I am...: hot

I am too much a creature of habit. I came to class, and I'm freaked out because some chick is sitting at the computer I usually use. As in, I cannot feel comfortable at another spot. I hate this whole school-phobia thing I have - I can't deal with other students, I hate dealing with classrooms, the whole thing just makes my stomach upset.

I am baffled as to why I cannot deal with school, yet business situations don't bother me nearly as much. Parties do though. I can't go to parties anyplace outside of my house, and feel comfortable. Being in crowds in other places makes me nervous.

Which means that I am now sitting at a computer that I am not used to, which is not in the back of the room, and I am seriously considering leaving class and pretending that I had an emergency so that I don't have to deal with sitting someplace else.

I know I'm crazy, but...it's just the way things are. I hate having people sitting behind me. It makes my shoulders itch, like someone is going to attack or something. Yes, paranoia sucks a lot. I don't recommend it as a hobby.

There's probably lots of other things that I could talk about, but I can't think of them coherently right now. Mostly because it feels like someone is sitting behind my shoulder, reading what I'm typing. Oh, wow, am I crazy.

This is the kind of thing most people would get therapy for.

I am...: anxious

I feel like I should write. But so much has happened in the time since I left for AnimeBoston, that I just don't know what to say.

The sad part is that the only good bits were AnimeBoston, and everything else sucked a lot.

Life right now feels like being trapped in a soap opera, but I'm not allowed to slap anyone.

It hurts that all this stuff is going on, and I can't do anything for anyone. There isn't anything I can really do for the people I love that are having difficulties. And it's making me fed up. Because I'm tired of everything being a melodrama - I want life to settle down, and for good things to happen.

On the up side...AnimeBoston ROCKED. Quick rundown so that I can do a full story later - Cheesecake Factory, Registration, Evangelion, Videos, Dominic Deegan's creator's panel on Heros and Villains, Fanfiction, Hentai Dubbing, Anime Music Videos, YMCA hilariousness, Bertucci's, Dealer's Room, Valet Parking, Pitchforks!, Cheesecake Factory.

Japan is good.

I am...: stressing out

I leave for AnimeBoston2004 today!!!! Yay!!!!!

I was going to bring the computer, but I've decided it's not worth it. I'd just worry too much that it would get stolen or something. So no updating from the Con. I'll be back on Sunday.

Yes, officerchuck, I will check to see if there's anything FMP for you. ^_^

savingithaca - I left my cell number with Ed's answering machine, but if he doesn't have it, my mom does here at the house. She'll be around most of the time this weekend, and if you have to leave a message, she can call you back, I'm sure.

Ok, I'm out of here!

I am...: ecstatic

I find it remarkably telling that I have, out of a possible fifty icons, a grand total of SIX happy/upbeat ones...and all the others are...well, emotions that aren't nearly so hopeful/happy/upbeat/or anything else positive.

It just seems to fit life, sometimes. A wealth of upsetting, with a shortage of good.

I am...: worried

This week is going to be too busy! I've been really bad, and haven't done the homework for Web Design - I'm at least a chapter behind now, and that's bad, because I need to pass this class. I think I might take Rob up on his offer of help in the form of finished product - they're really easy little things, but he can do them at about the speed of light, while I have to actually think about them.

My mom forgot to tell me to get the emissions done on the Toyota - which was due on April 1st. So now I'm a week late, and have to get that done along with the oil change so I don't get arrested.

Keean still has to go to Milford on Wednesday, even though his boss decided that this weekend would be a good time to get away from it all and go to Long Island. He told us Saturday morning at like, noon, that he needed my sweetheart of a boyfriend to work the Sunday shift too.

And on Thursday, I leave for AnimeBoston. Which is going to take up my whole day, as I am driving Steve to his classes, and then going to mine, and then picking Steve up and driving to Boston to check into the hotel and meet up with Kathleen. (Yay! Bussing out on Boston with Kath is always fun!)

But it all means that I'm going to be too busy this week to get anything done. I still have classes, and I need to visit my grandmother cause I'm missing Easter, plus the car stuff, cleaning up the house, and packing.

At least AnimeBoston is worth every bit of hassle. I'm starting to get really excited - it was a lot of fun last year, and I think this year can only be better.

I am...: determined

I'm avoiding things, today. I'm avoiding life, today.

It's been two years now. Two years since I lost the one adult in my life that really understood me at all, who had any idea who I was. Last year, it was still too fresh - I was denying the whole thing, couldn't even think about her death without feeling sick.

Now I just hurt inside. Now I can look back, and miss her. See the mistakes I made, regret not saying things to her. I wrote a poem once, when I first found out how sick she was. And I never showed it to her. I never expressed just how much she meant to me. Now, I've buried that poem so far away in all of my papers and writings that I may never come across it again.

The rain is fitting to my mood, today.

It isn't just that I regret not telling her things, or not spending more time with her once I was in high school. It's that she's never going to meet my boyfriend, never meet my new friends. She'll never see me graduate from college, or buy my first house, or open my first business.

She's gone, and I can't get her back. She isn't a friend who's moved away, or a friend who is no longer a friend - she's a memory. My aunt Shirl, who was a part of my life from the time my mom brought me home from Massachusetts, right up until the moment that she passed away, is nothing more than a memory now.

Her house isn't hers anymore. My aunt's parents and sister live there now. They've changed things, killed some of the flowers, put up a basketball net. It would be easier if they were strangers, but they're people that I have to face, people I'm able to picture standing in her kitchen, eating in her dining room, sleeping in her bedroom.

I can still remember how her house used to smell. Herbs and flowers, the sharp scent of turpentine to wash her paintbrushes, the bite of the wine she would drink with dinner. Her house was homey, for all that she never raised a family. She taught me how to play cards at the table, how to draw and paint. She taught me to love classical music and jazz, just by having it on in the background.

We used to do crossword puzzles and jigsaw puzzles, and talk about gardening and art. I could always stop by - she kept a key hidden just for me, so that I could sit in her house and think even when she wasn't home. We used to plant flowers every year - morning glories and petunias. We tried growing pumpkins and cucumbers and baby carrots.

I wanted to go to her grave today. I really thought that I was ready. I think the rain is a sign that I'm not. That I haven't really faced her death, and that I need to do that before I go and say goodbye.

I don't think I'll ever be able to say goodbye.

I am...: sad

So...savingithaca's birthday is on April 9. While Steve the hobbit and I are going to be at AnimeBoston that day, I was wondering if there should be some kind of party-type thing.

My suggestion is thus:

Thursday, April 8 - savingithaca, shiray7, and I head up to Boston after school lets out. We proceed to shop/wander/do something. Steve the hobbit gets home from class around five. He, Keean, and whoever else head up to Boston to meet us for a dinner around seven - maybe get reservations at the Cheesecake Factory or the Berkshire Grill or something. We have a big birthday dinner for savingithaca. Maybe with presents.

I thought that might be cool. Let me know. If you hate it, we can always do something else. But I was pretty sure that there isn't high school on the Friday, as it's that strange Easter Break thing you get.


Steve, Kath, and I have to go for preregistration for the convention around eight or nine. Nine, I think. After that, there was some talk of hitting Jillian's up, as it is college night, and therefore 18+. Maybe hooking up with thesilentpoet at some point in the evening?


Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be spent BUSSING OUT ON THE CON. Oh yeah. So much Japan goodness. Cosplayers, and videos, and panels...mmm. Good stuff. And the Dealer's Room and Artist's Alley are EVEN BIGGER this year. They're actually across the street in that huge Castle place.


Oh, savingithaca and shiray7 - Tuesday night (this Tuesday) Keean's off playing pool with his friend Phil. I was wondering if you two wanted to come over and have some kind of crazy desserts and watch movies and hang out and stuff? Like a girl's night, sort of. I hear tell this is what girls do sometimes.


I need to find some good tutorials on Javascript. My teacher and the book are making little to no sense to me, and I can't afford to fail this section. There will be much studying on this problem, oh yes.


Spring needs to come. The swift changes between warm and cold, sunny and snowing, are killing me. Allergies, a cold...I've been sick for almost a month now, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Some days you can practically smell spring in the air, and then it snows! What's up with that??


I wish LJ gave more icon slots with a paid account...Even the fifteen that I'm allotted isn't quite enough for the ones that I want to use...Once I'm employed again, I'm going to have to buy more icon slots.

I am...: still sick and coughing

So csacivilwarlady asked me to take care of her rabbit while the fiance is off on Navy-boat-stuff. I agreed, thinking that I'd have classes, and would be able to easily handle this (their apartment is in Norwich, right near school). Then I found out that spring break is that week. Oops.

Oh, well, I can still run up and make sure the rabbit doesn't die. No big deal, it's only, what, a twenty minute drive? No problem.

Then Keean finds out (on Monday night, no less) that his boss is leaving for Las Vegas in the morning. That means that Keean has to keep the store open all week. Which means that I have to drive him. I love my boyfriend. I do not love his boss.

I'd gone Monday afternoon and checked on the bunny - she's fine, Joe (the fiance) left food/water for her. Odd thing is, the front door to the apartment is unlocked, and the note Joe left isn't addressed to me. Strange, but maybe he's re-using an old note or something. I leave the door the way I found it, and just double check to make sure I'm supposed to be the bunny-caretaker.

Tuesday it snowed, so Wednesday morning when we go down to Milford, we bring stuff so that we can sleep at the store. I talk to Cara, and I still need to feed the rabbit, so I drive back to Waterford Wednesday night to pick Mike up, so I have some company for the trip to Norwich.

The apartment is still unlocked, and there are shoes by the door. This makes me nervous, so I start shouting to see if someone is there. Finally, this guy comes out of the other room. He's smiling, and saying something about Jen getting out early. Then he really looks at me, and realizes that I am not this "Jen" person. Sees Mike standing behind me - and practically freaks. I could see the thoughts - 'I'm in the Navy, I can take them. Then call the cops.' Mike says we have keys, and I start explaining that we're supposed to be there, that Cara set it up and whatnot. This guy calms down, tells me he's taking care of it, and that I don't have to worry about it.

Mike and I leave, I drive back to Milford, and I talk to Cara the next day. Turns out that Joe's roommate, Jeremiah, didn't go to sea with the Navy-boat-stuff.

All of my bunny-preparations - for naught.

I am...: amused

I made cheesecake last night. ^_^ It came out really well.

Mom and I went to Coleen's shower, which was an experience that I don't want to dwell on. Too much stuff has been going on. None of it has been exciting, so I don't want to bother writing any of that down.

Friday night we went up to Rick's place to hang out with the "crew" as they call themselves. That was neat - I got some hilarious pictures of Steve the Hobbit slightly tipsy.

Mom and I shopped on Saturday, and I got clothes. I also got my Girl Scout cookies! Whee!!! But it was an exhausting day shopping, and then hanging out at the store.

So. Yeah, that's been about it. Eh.

I am...: Eh.

Looks like I sort of have a job. Rick (Keean's friend) is starting to sell chain guitar stands, and he wants to set up a website to sell them from, and he hired me! I get to build him a website, and he's paying me for that, and then he's paying me to update it every month (or whenever it needs updating) for him. Wheee!!!

I had other things to say, but my computer is going to turn off soon, as I'm running off of the battery, and it just uses too much juice to run for long.

I am...: geeky

I want to start putting writing up here, but I can't put it up publically. As I want to start submitting it places to see if it's good enough to get bought, if I post it here, they count that as "previous publishing" and won't buy it.

So if you're interested in being able to read what I write, let me know, and I'll add you to the filter. This is for my original work, not my fanfiction, because the fanfiction I can't sell anyway. So things like my Exquisite Sin story, and short stories and so forth.

I need to write more. I need to force the words out onto paper, instead of keeping them bottled up in my head.

By putting it in the journal, I'm hoping people will critique and comment what I'm writing, and it will let me work on things that pop into my head during class without having to save a million different places and have to set up the zip drive at home to get stuff.

I am...: Getting organized creatively

Steve wussed out on me. It was his freaking birthday, and he didn't want to go to a club and live it up. Loser.

So Dave, Rick, Dan, Erin, and Jon went up with Keean and I. The club's in one of those great seedy parts of Worcester, so we got to see a drug deal as we parallel parked in front of the club. Very exciting.

The Lucky Dog Music Hall isn't huge, but it was remarkably clean for a club. The band came on stage a little while after we got there, right about midnight. These guys are seriously spoofing the hair bands. They all use fake names, like Diamond Davey Von Danger, and Dee Sniper. They wear the spandex and animal prints and crazy headbands, and wigs for the crazy teased-out hair.

The music? Oh man, the music is worth it. These guys are good - they're real musicians, not guys who couldn't cut it in a "real" band. The lead singer's voice is wicked good, and they carry off all of the songs that they cover WELL. It's loud, and campy, and just all around a neat experience.

I've still got some kind of cold/sinus thing, so I wasn't feeling too great, but I want to go back when I'm healthy. They put on a mean show, and I definitely might have danced a little if I felt better. It's infectious, and absolutely fun.

These guys played until last call, and afterwards, came down off of the stage and went around talking to the people who saw the show. They chat and thank people for coming and shake hands, and talk about the band and why they do what they do, and who they are outside of the show. It was pretty neat. Turns out Dan is a big follower, and knows the drummer, so he stood around and talked to us until we all got kicked out so the club could close.

As we stood waiting for Dan to follow us out, we made friends with a drug dealer. Mostly we all told him to go away, while Jon wavered on his feet and babbled about how he had enough drugs, he didn't need more. Then I had to pull him upright so that he didn't fall backwards into the street.

I'm kind of glad he rode with Dan and not with us. Erin being all drunk was obnoxious enough. Though she sobered up when we started picking on her for stuff. Dave asked us about this situation Erin got herself into, and I had to agree with his take on it, and he's in the back going "That's why I like Kate. She tells it like it is. Doesn't pull any shots." Erin just whined. ::sigh:: She's a sloppier drunk than Dave.

But it was lots of fun, and I definitely want to do it again. The Lucky Dog is all 21+, but I'm hoping that Geraldine's (the place that Mullethead plays on Sundays) isn't, so that you can come too, thesilentpoet.

Everyone should visit their site, Mullethead Rules the friggin world.

I am...: Rocked Out.

It's two in the morning. Do you know where your kids are?

::sigh::

I'm at the store in Milford. An hour away from home, and I'm dead tired. I think I have a sinus infection, which would explain the not-feeling-food that I've had for the past week. I've been sitting in this damn store since eleven o'clock this morning, and I WANNA GO HOME!!!!

I want to be asleep in my happy pengy sheets (thank you, csacivilwarlady, and I need to give you money at some point, I didn't forget completely!) and I want to not have to stay up longer. I'm going to be up all night tomorrow night at the club, so sleep tonight would be good.

I'm going to end up dying in a car crash. I can see headlines now - "Girl kills ten in car crash : Geekdom is Deadly." Tomorrow night I'm going to be driving my drunk friends home from Worcester, and we're all going to die.

Oh god. I have class tomorrow. I'm never going to make it. Class. Shit. At noon. I might not even be home until then. Oh god. This is so not good.

At least I have my school bag with me, so if I have to I can just not sleep at all and go straight to class from wherever we happen to be.

I wanna go home.

I am...: dead on my feet

Today was spent shopping. Cara, her roommate, her sister, and I ended up going for the bridesmaid dresses today. I'm sure everyone wants to see what we'll be wearing, so I'm posting pics behind the cut.

Oh, and shiray7? Thanks for teaching me all about Photoshop - it really helped get rid of the damn bra straps in those dresses!

( Inside - Bridesmaid dresses and Cara's wedding dress! )

I am...: Done editing!

Why is it that when you think you know what you're doing, you can't do it when you need to? Mike and I went through the damn code. Figured out exactly what needed to be scripted. And now the gee-dee thing won't give me an answer beyond "undefined." This SUCKS. It's due tonight, and I don't think I can figure it out with the fifteen minutes I have left. I'm going to call this one homework assignment a loss, and worry about the rest of the class.

On a brighter note, I took my test, and don't have to go to class tomorrow! Yay! I get to go to the dress stuff with Cara and Katie and Gena, for the bridesmaid dresses for Cara's wedding. (Psst - I borrowed my Gram's digital camera, so you'll get as many pics as you want.)

I should go now, and do something productive. I have no idea what, but maybe I can fake something. Wish me luck.

I am...: meh.

I'm going on a fieldtrip on Thursday.

With Keean and Dave and Rick and Phil and everyone.

We're going to Worchester, MA.

To a club there.

To listen to an 80's cover band.

Mullethead.

This is way cool.

I am...: Wheeee!!!!