Scratched my cornea this morning while rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. It hurts like hell. Blogging will be light.

Wieners rule.

(Um…. Grammar, dear. Grammar. Punctuation. Capitalization. And, btw, ee cummings died broke. Still, wieners rule!)

FYI: The Watcher’s Council has a vacancy. If you’ve got an opinion and you want to influence what’s hot and what’s not, apply.

Next month my daughter turns 13. Thirteen. A teenager. Egad!

Since she’ll be celebrating it here in Hawai’i - away from her school-year friends - I want to make it extra-special and extremely memorable. So far, I’ve ordered personalized party decorations (she has an unusual name) and I’m inviting 6-8 adults I know, along with their 14+ kids and grandkids, for a day of fun, sun, beach and BBQ.

Anyone have any additional ideas about how I can make this a party for her to remember? Since we live in a fairly rural area, our plans need to focus on things I can cook, make or buy in advance (or order online) and activities for the kids. But keep it clean. This is my child we’re talking about!

Despite a state-sponsored dating agency and tax credits for new parents, Singapore is facing what could become a population crisis if recent trends don’t reverse. Their solution? Reality TV. No, really!

“Dr. Love’s Super Baby Making Show” will feature 10 couples from around the world - 9 foreign pairs and one from Singapore - competing to see who is the first to get positive results on a pregnancy test.

Isn’t there enough of this “reality” programming yet? Do you realize we’re at the point where a couple could feasibly live their entire lives through reality TV?

Picture this:

We first meet the woman - we’ll call her Jane - as a contestant on The Swan and the guy - Joe - as he gets made over on Queer Eye. Now gorgeous, Jane goes on The Bachelorette where Joe - groomed by the Fab 5 - is the hands-down winner. The lucky couple becomes quickly - and publicly - engaged, but now there’s Jane’s family to contend with through a seaons’ appearance on My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. (Joe agrees to bulk up for the season knowing he’ll take off the extra weight under the guidance of Richard Simmons, who’s trying to float a pilot for his own reality TV show: “Flab to Fab”.)

It takes a bit of effort, but soon Jane’s clan is welcoming Joe into the fold by blessing their engagement. After making the rounds of People Magazine and the like, Jane signs up for Buff Brides, hoping that after her transformation and honeymoon she might be able to land a spot on America’s Next Top Model. Meanwhile, since the networks turned down Richard Simmons’ pilot because nobody could stand watching the hyper redhead past the first commercial break, Joe signs up for Boot Camp, but after getting voted off he settles for hanging out with The Osbournes until Jane’s show wraps up production.

Next, it’s A Wedding Story and not long afterwards their appearance on Dr. Love’s Super Baby Making Show followed 9 months later by their televised Baby Story.

A few years on, Jane and Joe are starting to realize that life isn’t all about free prizes and press conferences, and the pair winds up in front of Dr. Phil for some relationship help. His advice? Jane needs to learn to give even more attention to Joe, while Joe needs to be more of a sensitive man. (Joe, having blew his cool with Dr. Phil backstage, makes a brief appearance on Crime and Punishment in connection with a simple assault and battery charge.)

Six months later - after Joe has completed his community service - Jane is still carrying an extra 30 postpartum pounds and has a furrowed brow from nights spent yelling at Joe to stop drooling over Paris Hilton on The Simple Life. Jane’s boobs are sagging, and since the networks don’t provide a lifetime live-in maid, cook, makeup artist, personal trainer and stylist unless she’s under contract, she’s looking haggard and bitter. She can’t afford to dress in designer duds anymore and her self-esteem has plummeted as low as her latest show’s ratings. Time for an appearance on Extreme Makeover! (This time, the producers are going with a full D-cup in place of Jane’s previous C’s. They’re convinced it’ll help draw more viewers. Jane’s convinced it’ll help draw Joe’s attention back to her.)

Meanwhile, Joe has learned that Fox has canned Forever Eden, his last hope for a fling with a really hot chick after Temptation Island got axed. To make matters worse, now that he’s married with children, he’s ineligible to be on Anything for Love. What’s a guy to do?

Never fear, loyal viewers, for Joe has always been a precocious sort and now is no exception. He’s having a premature midlife crisis, he realizes, and what better way is there to get through one but to head off for the casting calls? Rejected for Branson’s Big Adventure as too blase, by Dance Fever for being uncoordinated, and by Are You Hot because, with a beer belly, he’s definitely not, Joe is now in a serious funk. He seeks solace in the arms of a large-breasted blond, utterly oblivious to the fact that TV cameras are rolling. Three episodes later, with Jane none the wiser, he pledges to find a way to rekindle their romance.

For a while everything looks grand. So grand that they appear with Jane’s relatives on The Family in the hopes of winning a fortune (while once again having a full-time domestic staff). Alas, Jane - trying to unwind with a little channel surfing one night - turns on E! and sees Joe in the arms of that bimbo Anna Nicole. Heartbroken, she tells all to Oprah who convinces her it’s time for The Last Resort. Jane breaks the news by issuing Joe an ultimatum during their guest appearance on Change of Heart. “Your ratings with me suck. Make me feel special,” she tells him, “or I’ll cancel this marriage and find a new sponsor.”

Off they go to Paradise Hotel to rekindle their romance. No such luck. Whenever Jane isn’t with her stylist or manicurist, she still can’t get Joe’s attention. He’s rivited by a striking brunette who keep strolling in a string bikini. (Jane, meanwhile, overheard a pair of producers in the lobby and knows the brunette has recently been cast in a another show in which the fact that the brunette is a man in drag doesn’t get revealed until the end.)

Tired of feeling like her marriage is one long, stale rerun, Jane signs on for Starting Over. Three months later, she and Joe sever their ties on Divorce Court, where Jane wins custody of the kids, the house, the car, the dog and the cat. Joe gets the bills. (No wonder, then, that within the year Jane is asking Judge Judy for a restraining order against Joe.)

Jane, sick of the celebrity, decides to opt for a quieter life as a TV producer at Fox, where her job is to think up new reality programming. There she meets the man of her dreams - Neil Cavuto - and agrees to his demand that she become a stay-at-home mom.

Meanwhile, utterly disillusioned by “reality”, Joe wagers the last of his savings at The Casino and wins. Determined to come out of this as a survivor (but not that kind), he appears as the male lead on For Love or Money and narrows his choices down to the final contestant - Jilly - who we learn in the show’s dramatic season finale thought it was all about the cash.

As Jill makes the round of Larry King Live - debating hotly with Darva Conger, the flash-in-the-pan finalist on “Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire” about the merits of loveless marriage - Joe consoles himself by reuniting with eight of his old girlfriends on Little Black Book. None of them want him, either.

But all is not lost. Joe still has one more ratings draw in his future. He offs himself in a dramatic, scripted scene set against a gorgeous backdrop in the tropics. Unfortunately for him, the networks refuse to broadcast his posthumous masterpiece despite the film’s high-quality, citing “bad taste”, fear of reprisals from the NRA over Joe’s use of a rifle in his big death scene, and their new dedication to “higher viewing standards”.

Stay tuned, though. What with reruns and the magic of syndication, there’s talk about starting a new cable channel: JoeTV. It’s premier program? Well, let’s just say that Joe’s lawyer found a nice little Swiss bank account, some offshore investments and a brilliantly devised Will which - if they can locate twelve hot-looking, ambitious and clever contestants to live on a remote, deserted island - should provide riveting entertainment as they try bumping each other off to become The Heir Apparent in a winner-takes-all show where the prize is Joe’s millions and a chance to become a Reality TV celebrity just like him and Jane.

Say farewell to the LOTD and Snark Hunt.

If you’re interested in hosting either of these memes at your blog, let me know. I’d be happy to set up - and advertise - a traveling schedule. But, for now at least, my life and publishing schedules no longer permit me to be the primary host for either.

Electric, but no Venom:

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras (AP) A boa constrictor triggered a 15-minute nationwide blackout when it slithered into a generator at a major hydroelectric plant, officials said Wednesday.

The boa was electrocuted Tuesday after entering El Cajon, a plant that supplies 60 percent of Honduras’ electricity.

“The snake was responsible for leaving the country in darkness,” said Rosario Castillo, president of the National Electric Energy Company.

Maybe so.

Doctors claim to have uncovered new evidence that the tiny particles known as “nannobacteria” are indeed alive and may cause a range of human illnesses.

The existence of nannobacteria is one of the most controversial of scientific questions - some experts claim they are simply too small to be life forms.

But US scientists report they have now isolated these cell-like structures in tissue from diseased human arteries.

Although lacking a unique DNA sequence, nannobacteria particles were nevertheless recognized by staining tests seeking DNA and RNA, which some scientists believe indicates the particles can synthesize nucleic acids.

Today’s “Must Visit” site: Michael Moore Hates America.

I suppose this is as good a way as any for Kerry to ensure some free campaign publicity.

As everyone knows, houseguests - like fish - stink after a few days, but it’s wise to remember that the gas oven only works well with the latter as one Californian woman recently learned.

A family friend introduced the 51-year-old woman to Kevin Frye and Andrew King and she agreed to let them spend the night, investigators said. But the men overstayed their welcome – refusing to leave for six weeks as they allegedly sold drugs from her apartment.

The woman finally opened her oven’s natural gas line in hopes of driving them away. But even an apartment filled with gas wasn’t enough to force out Frye and King.

The woman called the Fire Department Monday morning, saying she was overcome by the fumes. She was so sick she had to be taken to the hospital, paramedics said.

There was no explosion and no one was seriously hurt.

Lucky for her, the police arrested Frye and King for selling cocaine from the woman’s apartment and front yard. Even so, don’t try this at home, kids.

Slate Magazine has launched a Kerryisms watch designed to translate those waffling, self-promotional and utterly convictionless statements the Democratic candidate is known for. Not that they make much more sense after translation, mind you.

Meanwhile, check out the new ads at CrushKerry.com.

Seven years after France adopted the 35-hour work week to combat unemployment, jobless rates are still high, the French economy still sucks and the number of citizens receiving social subsidies has increased.

The solution? Why, it’s typically French: those who want to keep working 35-hour weeks can, and those who want to work more hours can, too.

Yeah, that’ll give people the incentive to get off the public dole.

How would you like to see your reflection in a mirror based on your physical activity and food choices for the day? Known as a “persuasive mirror,” that’s just one of the tech tweaks designers are incorporating into the “smart homes” of the future.

But now for the really important question: do I still get 7 years of bad luck for smashing one of those mirrors to pieces?

“Honor killings” continue to make the news on a regular basis as the West becomes more aware - and intolerant - of the horrifying custom. Countries like Turkey, looking to join the EU, are overhauling their criminal codes to combat these tragic deaths.

Four years ago, a sustained campaign by Women For Women’s Rights led to the overhaul of Turkey’s civil code.

“It is now completely equal for men and women,” (Mujde) Bilgutay ( co-ordinator of the penal-code reform campaign for 26 non-governmental organizations) says.

Two years ago, she and others began studying the penal code. Article by article, they identified areas prejudicial to women, checked them against European law and proposed the amendments now before the justice subcommittee.

Partly as a result of the process, the government last year abolished Article 462, which had given judges discretion to reduce a murder sentence in honour killings by as much as 80 per cent.

But other articles still allow such killers to get off lightly, Bilgutay says.

“The ‘unjust provocation’ article is one. It says that if you suddenly do something bad to me and I react with rage and kill you, I get a reduced sentence because you were unjustly provoking me.

“In honour killings, men are getting reduced sentences by arguing, ‘I saw my daughter with a boy in front of the cinema, so I was really shocked and provoked, and I killed her.’ In fact, most honour killings are premeditated.”

Another article grants light sentences to young offenders, thus motivating families to assign the murder to a teenager or boy.

Even so, “honor killings” are believed to be on the rise in Turkey as rural Kurds immigrate to the cities where their daughters, previously sheltered from objectionable lifestyles, are now exposed to situations which their parents believe justify their deaths. As recently as May 1, a 14-year-old girl was buried after her father strangled her with a wire, his idea of expiating the “dishonor” brought to his family when his daughter was kidnapped and raped. (The girl’s father, brother and uncle - who committed the murder at the behest of a family council - have been charged with her death and were released pending their trial.)

The increase in honor killings isn’t limited to the Middle East. In Rochester, New York last month, a Turkish immigrant was charged with killing his wife and fracturing the skulls of his 4- and 22-year-old daughters in an “honor killing” after learning that his own brother had molested his wife and oldest child. He has pled not guilty, explaining to investigators that it was an “honor killing.”

Slow as it is, progress is still occuring. Pakistan’s President Musharraf has called for a ban on honor killings, despite the practice being outlawed already. Hundreds of such murders are believed to occur in Pakistan each year.

But the tide may be turning, as not only the Pakistani ban but similar legislation in Jordan seems to indicate. Much of it is due to women who are willing to speak out and demand an end to this ancient form of victimization. Recently, a woman known only as Souad published what is believed to be the first book by a survivor of a failed honor killing. The book, Burned Alive: A Victim of the Law of Men, is receiving worldwide attention from human rights groups due to its powerful look into a practice so poorly documented in the press.

Certainly when it comes to the subject of honor killings, there is no such thing as ignorance being bliss - for the victims, or for the rest of us.

Although it was published three weeks ago, today’s “Must Read” - if you haven’t read it already - is “The Psychoanalytic Roots of Islamic Terrorism”. It really is all about sex.

No sex. No nudity. No Kama Sutra-esque contortions in body stockings in a steamy shower scene. So why call it “The Joys of Sex: The Musical”?

I want one:

A German inventor who developed a gadget that berates men if they try to use the toilet standing up has sold more than 1.6 million devices, his business manager says.

German women fed up with a man with a poor aim can turn to the ghost-shaped gadget, which lurks under the toilet rim and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:

“Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up … you will make a right mess…”

I wonder if they make a model that reminds folks to flush when they’re done?

“Something wonderful, something marvelous is happening on June 8th and will be witnessed and experienced by millions of people all over the world,” Gordon Bromage, a professor of astronomy at England’s University of Central Lancashire, told a news conference on Tuesday.

No, it’s not about my birthday, although I think it’s a wonderful coincidence. It’s about Venus crossing in front of the sun, a phenomenon that won’t happen again for another 122 years.

Even if you ordinarily despise Flash animation, you’re going to love Max Weber’s Pit. Move your mouse, click all over, and prepare for at least 10 minutes of laughs.

(Via Madville)

Ew. Just ewwww.

Robin Jones thinks France is on its way to becoming another Arab country.

Perhaps it’s good that some people don’t have kids.

What to get for the guy who has it all: a chain mail condom. Better hurry - the auction ends in 2 days!

El Cid has a nice piece on the state of the Pentagon under Rumsfeld’s command.

I am not in Rotterdamn, nobody saw me, and you can’t prove a thing.

Now here’s a use for Vaseline I’d never considered:

A man is accused of applying Vaseline petroleum jelly to every surface in his room at a Motel 6 near Binghamton, New York. After Roger Chamberlain checked out last week, the cleaning crew discovered mattresses and bedding were slathered with the slippery stuff. Vaseline covered the TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels and everything else in the room.

Police found 14 empty Vaseline containers and numerous pornographic magazines in the room’s trash can. Damage to the motel room and its contents was estimated at over $1,000.

A sheriff’s deputy found the Virginia man a short time later at another motel. The deputy said the man was “smeared from head to foot with Vaseline.”

Chamberlain was sent to jail after being charged with felony criminal mischief.

The motel manager says the room still can’t be used.

See what happens when there’s nothing good on cable?

The one morning I forget to set my alarm so I can get up and check the news before my son wakes, and they finally find the WMDs?!

UPDATE: Eh. One shell does not a weapons cache make. But thanks to Venomite Randall for sending me the link.

Like half of America, I’ve been low-carbing it. Nothing rigid - I’ve simply simply eliminated sugar and white flour from my diet, and I’m trying to keep my carb intake at 40 grams a day or less. (And, no, I don’t buy that whole “net carb” thing.) Unfortunately, I have an occasional sweet tooth which must be appeased every 28 days or so.

So 7-Eleven’s new Diet Pepsi Slurpee makes me happy. Happy, happy, happy.

Unfortunately, I no longer have a good excuse for going psychotic when PMS strikes. Damn.